tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42722760669749027792024-03-14T04:02:49.259-07:00The Complete Idiot's Guide to Self-RealizationHere you'll find tales of my journeys through life. Regardless of what they mean to me or anyone else, the facts remain that they occurred and they are hereby recorded for anyone bored enough to read through it.
I am a post-operative male-to-female transsexual, a software developer, a musician, a geek of the highest order... but more basic that that... just another lonely, confused human on this planet... and these are my stories.Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.comBlogger411125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-88889003796070415512023-11-15T07:03:00.000-08:002023-11-15T07:03:13.871-08:00Could you move a little to the left?<p>Something terrifying today: the carrying capacity of the planet. I was watching some Neil DeGrasse Tyson videos the other day (as I am often want to do), and they were talking about the Marvel MCU and how many good scientific principles were relayed. There was one rather terrifying one: "Thanos was right." </p><p>I learned a new term called the "carrying capacity" of a planet for a given species. It is related to not just the space available to the species but also the natural resources available to support the growth and life of the species. So I began to dig a little. Many scientists believe that the carrying capacity of this planet for humans is about 9 to 10 billion of us. Knowing that: take a look at this:</p><p><a href="https://www.worldometers.info/world-population/world-population-by-year/">World Population by Year</a><br /></p><p>It's getting crowded! I was born in 1969 and since then we've added a little over 4 billion people. I'm 54 years old. The number of people we added in the 54 years <i>before </i>I was born was around 2 billion. So in the time I've been alive, we've doubled our production of humans as compared to the 50 years prior to that. And the rate of growth has increased as well. In the 50s we were adding about 50 million humans a year. Now we're adding about 80 to 90 million humans a year. </p><p>Now remember, that's resources for us. What about other sentient life forms, for example animals. Our ecosystem is fragile. I'm not worried about the planet (unless we COMPLETELY strip it down to nothing in the centuries ahead) because it can bounce back if everything that's consuming it slows down its rate of consumption. But the environment in which we life is going to get weaker and weaker in its ability to sustain us. </p><p>We either need to SERIOUSLY slow down the baby-making machinery, have a LOT more deadly wars, or find another planet to start living on fairly soon. Otherwise, our descendants in 100 years or more will be fighting for the most basic of resources just to live. Long live Tank Girl (if you don't know the reference, do yourself a favor and google the movie and watch it ASAP).</p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgvetF1fyMzycuO4pUI0IvsVokjnzG0CqUwmUL3l4UM5beWEmkG6eSC7nxuk1P2wXssdR_wdVFOAkbMFyPF4YWY5E3tjd6A77hSyuw2TKL4jaegpZk6dQVGnwUujDQsgWRXBZgcauJ_q9YsCNGT_sXFUIPyga2fFTSfPk_tCxY5JuMW1ZkP5-a_w6Fi" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="673" data-original-width="660" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgvetF1fyMzycuO4pUI0IvsVokjnzG0CqUwmUL3l4UM5beWEmkG6eSC7nxuk1P2wXssdR_wdVFOAkbMFyPF4YWY5E3tjd6A77hSyuw2TKL4jaegpZk6dQVGnwUujDQsgWRXBZgcauJ_q9YsCNGT_sXFUIPyga2fFTSfPk_tCxY5JuMW1ZkP5-a_w6Fi" width="235" /></a></div><br /><br /><p></p><p>That's all for now, I guess. Home life is meh at the moment. More on that later, when and if I feel like it.</p>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-51787474783241058522023-11-08T07:45:00.005-08:002023-11-08T07:48:44.488-08:00Getting older? Me?<p>You know, it's kinda weird... getting older that is. I don't feel older in my brain... at least not until I try to socialize with younger people. Then I realize that I'm actually old now. My body, on the other hand, reminds me of my age all the time. I expected that. I also expected the "you don't feel any older mentally" part. I just didn't think about what it's like to talk with younger people.</p><p>I see myself in the mirror. I know what I look like. But that's not how I remember myself. That's not my inner image of myself, I guess. I still see myself with tight skin, bright eyes, long soft hair and skinny. That's not the case anymore. I don't think I'm ugly... just... older. But it's a marvel that I got here.</p><p>I've done a lot of crazy things to this body I'm still inhabiting. Somehow, I simultaneously assumed I would make to my 80s and still also die young. How weird is that? I guess I never really <i>believed</i> that my body would age. Every time I saw someone older than myself (or that looked older than I did), I thought, "Well, I'm still young." Then one day, people older than me started becoming fewer and farther between. So, I saw more younger people. That made me feel old. </p><p>"You're only as young as you feel" is a bit of a misnomer I think. I think age is now relative. Celebrities that I looked up to are getting older and passing away. People in roles that I look up to or admire are getting younger; for example I was on a plane not too long ago and saw the pilot. He looked so young. Then I realized that, actually, he looks the same average age as any other pilot I've seen in my life. The difference is that I've become older and now and the people doing all the work are "staying the same age."</p><p>It is even more bizarre being someone who has transitioned. Many of us just don't make it. The mortality rate is staggeringly high for transgender folks. So finding someone who transitioned young and then got old is like finding a unicorn. I'm used to being a trail blazer... but those other trails were ones that I meant to blaze. This one wasn't on my agenda.</p><p>I don't have many models to follow and socializing with others in this context is confusing. So, I guess a new chapter starts now. I started transition in the mid to late 90s. The time between my birth and starting transition, and the time between then and now is almost equidistant. So I guess this is the beginning of my "Phase Three" in MCU terms.</p><p>At any rate, I'll try to keep things updated here (in case I never get around to writing that book). </p>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-59618629717638152632023-11-04T09:07:00.002-07:002023-11-04T09:07:18.358-07:00It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn<p>I alluded to some changes coming in my life soon, and it's true. I've been making preparations to return from whence I came. When the state of Florida began it's assault on LGBTQIA+ people (of all ages), I finally realized that I was being given signs that it was time to leave LONG before now. This was just the last straw. So I started putting a plan in motion. That plan involved saving enough money for a down payment on a house, enough money to move the belongings I want to keep and buy new for the ones I want to replace, and getting my credit score in a good healthy place.</p><p>I also wanted to make sure there was enough time to so a last hurrah in the sunshine state before I left. That meant staying through the holidays (since it would be my last set of actual holidays in the state with my extended family here), and planning several events for myself like theme parks, pride events, etc. </p><p>But as we get closer, there are tensions mounting and rising across the board. Today is a rough day. It's been a rough weekend, TBQH. There's a lot of tension on the home front and I'm not really sure what to do. On the one hand, I want to help ease those tensions and make things better. One the other hand, I feel like they will be viewed as empty self-serving gestures. The "why do you care now if you're still bent on leaving in a few months" scenario. </p><p>Part of me says that my life is my life and I should just do whatever I want because we don't get another chance to do what we want. Another part of me feels responsible for the heartache and the tension, even though I did nothing to perpetrate it. This mental anguish is just compounded by the fact that friends are coming over today to enjoy in an event of my creation. The whole house is involved (and has enjoyed the event many times before). However, the current situation makes me feel so unsure about trying to promote revelry when there are larger forces to combat. </p><p>I know I should press on and try to bring peace to the household. But I am old and tired now and it takes more of a toll on me now than it ever did. I find myself looking forward to the peace of mind that solitude will bring, even if it will be accompanied by loneliness. C'est la vie, eh?</p><p>They say it's always darkest before the dawn. But we're not even close to that dawn yet and it's already feeling pretty dark. Le sigh.</p>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-25639897669680164052023-11-02T11:51:00.003-07:002023-11-02T11:54:55.575-07:0010 Years Later...<p>This is so bizarre. I'm back here, writing again after 10 years and an odd number of months. The last blog entry I made was not long after I had moved to Cocoa, Florida. I've been so busy living and loving life, there was no reason or time to write anything about it.</p><p>I am grateful. I am extremely grateful that I've had so much time with such great new friends in a new place. Some never get that. I did... and I got it for 10+ years. </p><p>That doesn't mean that everything is bad again. Writing doesn't have to indicate that. But I think it's healthy and correct to state that sometimes we just gotta write something down somewhere that other people will see it if they care to look for it. It's more the act of the writing that means something.</p><p>Let's see, how to sum up 10 years. I moved away from PSL (already should know that since that happened in 2012). I met a lot of new friends here. I started working a side gig at a bar called The Ultra Lounge. I started as a DJ and then became a "drag" entertainer as well.</p><p>Since then, I DJ'd many different events, performed in drag at multiple bars and events, started a film and events production company that closed up during Covid, served on the board of Space Coast Pride as their entertainment director... twice... for about 3 years each time, learned how to play Magic the Gathering, got back into Role Playing games, wrote a Trance track that I really should have gotten published (but didnt), created a show called Trancegiving that started as a DJ mix and then became an event that raised money for charities, moved two more times, had multiple roommates, lost two cats and gained two more, severed my connection with Sadao for good and allowed my other connections to others (and to myself) blossom. </p><p>And... my mother died.</p><p>Two years ago, in fact. I miss her still, so very much. When I was home for her funeral, I got to reconnect with many family members that have asked me when am I coming home. It's been over 30 years and they're still asking that question. I think that's gotta be a record.</p><p>Since that time, my life has changed in unfathomable ways, ways I never saw coming. The very state that I moved to because of it's open arms and good vibes has gone on the attack. The place where I learned about myself, found others like myself, found work that didn't care about the body I was in and gave me the job I needed, the place where I learned to dance like no one was watching, the place where I learned about Peace, Love, Unity and Respect and all the good things about humanity... yeah, that magical place... has said that people like me are abominations. It has said that entertainers like me are trying to trick children into becoming unwitting participants in sexual deviancy. It has begun to say all manner of vile things about me, my friends, and those I call family.</p><p>Many like me have already left the state. Many are still working on getting out. While still more just don't have the means to leave... or if they did, would be leaving everything they've ever known. </p><p>How did all this happen? How is it that the place I was running from is somehow looking better than the place I ran to? Is it time to make a change? Possibly? More like definitely. But what change is to be made? Some are easier than others (and I happen to know a thing or two about making drastic changes in one's life).</p><p>I think this is the beginning of a new set of writings to chronicle the new few months, maybe even years, as we enter into a new era of conflict. Brace yourselves. It's probably gonna get bumpy.</p>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-29339834432428754392013-01-22T19:21:00.003-08:002013-01-22T19:21:46.063-08:00Miss Stake<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I miss him. I say it quite often. I miss him. Every time I meet someone else, I miss him. Every time I feel the way I did when I was with him, I miss him. Every time someone makes me feel the way he made me feel, I miss him. Every time someone says something or does something that he would do, I miss him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I fucking miss him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Friends tell me to get over it, get through it, get past it... especially since it's been almost a decade. They say that the only one who's hurting from it is me. I know I'm the only one. I know I was the one that caused the whole relationship to begin, continue and end. It was all me. That doesn't change a damn thing. The facts are there and clear as daylight to all, but it doesn't make anything less unbearable. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We all need a reason to live, to keep going, to survive and press on... otherwise we wither and eventually die. My reasons are getting slimmer and slimmer as I see friends accomplishing their goals, starting new paths with life-long partners, and needing me less and less.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm not saying that I wouldn't be at the same place I am now if things had been different before. There's no way for me to know what the most recent past would be like if the distant past had been different. I just know that I miss him, and tonight it really hurts... and I just needed to say it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've been missing him since before we split up. It never seems to go away. There's a "him-shaped" hole in my life that I'm having a helluva time filling. He took the time to get to know me. He loved me for me and we had a beautiful life together. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then suddenly it was as if there was a stranger in his place. Same face, same smile, same body... different person. Maybe he felt the same way about me... he never said it if he did. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I wish that spirit, that beautiful person that I met about two decades ago would come back to me. I wish I could be that person for a day to maybe understand where it went and I why it left when it did. I wish I could stop. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I miss him. And I probably always will.</span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-65726319166144038452012-07-02T06:36:00.000-07:002012-07-02T06:36:40.262-07:00War, good God y'all.<br />
It seems I was wrong about something. I've always said that the way to stop war is for one side to stop fighting, forcing the end of the war. Within the strictest guidelines of terminology, that is true since one definition of war is a state of being between two or more entities. But even without the war it appears that hostilities remain. Sometimes they stronger than ever since the war, at least, assuaged the hostilities. <br />
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So I won't try to stop war anymore. Ceasing hostilities is more noble goal... but also a harder one to achieve. You cannot exert control to cause the cessation of hostilities. That takes time and absence. Even death cannot cease hostilities. In some cases, it can even cause hostilities to breed. <br />
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I know that love can do it, because love cannot exist where there is hatred present. But it's not as contagious or as boisterous and pushy as hatred. It won't force it's way into someone's heart... it has to be invited and accepted and cared for. It is a very weak force of nature in it's infancy... but it can grow to be mighty and strong if cared for properly. <br />
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The older I get, the more I understand some of the words of wisdom passed down to me from those older and wiser than I. They made little to no sense at the time, until I saw them in practice in my own life. It's not an easy thing to love your enemies. It's not an easy thing to watch your friends and loved ones wrestling with a hatred that you know will consume them if they let it. It's not an easy thing to give of yourself to those that "don't deserve it" based on what the law and the dogma say. But everyone has a breaking point. At some point, the fight must end. <br />
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We reap what we sow, make sure it's love that you grow.<br />Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-11333432699723863342012-06-19T06:55:00.001-07:002012-06-19T06:55:27.953-07:00Yet Another New BeginningI guess it's time to start writing again. Again, this could be good or bad. I think it's good though. At least it's a creative outlet. :) After living in Port Saint Lucie, FL for four years, I have moved out on my own in my own place... a little duplex in Cocoa, FL. It's different. <br />
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I've lived with other people since October 31, 2003. That's when Rob and I got our place in Orlando. I've not lived alone for almost 9 years, and the silence is a bit deafening. My friends keep telling me things like, "You'll get used to it." "You'll make new friends." "You've earned the rest." "We're just a phone call away."<br />
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Those words are appreciated, don't get me wrong. And I know I've said those words to others just as honestly and with as much goodwill as they. Doesn't change much though. The only thing that did get me going was a good friend who had the guts to say, "You chose this, you know. I didn't have anyone there for me when I started living on my own either." <br />
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It felt, initially, like a rebuke. Like I wasn't there for her when she needed me. Not saying I don't deserve one... but who likes rebukes... even if we do deserve them? Over the past half-hour I've changed my mind about it. She's one of the few that won't come to my self-created pity parties. She helped clear the fog that I was in.<br />
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At any rate, quick update... more to come. I started working for a new company, run by someone I used to work for years ago. I work from home, which is good and bad... those of you who work from home know what I'm talking about. I'm also hoping that, given enough time, I can actually start revisiting my creative outlets of music again. I've started to make a few tentative steps back out into that arena. I'll close this entry with an example of that. Here's a remix I made of David Guetta's "Sexy Bitch." <br />
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Peace,<br />
Jenna<br />
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<iframe frameborder="no" height="166" scrolling="no" src="http://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F48554673&show_artwork=true" width="100%"></iframe>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-23707561361562921782011-06-10T09:48:00.000-07:002011-06-10T09:56:46.702-07:00It Ends Today<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">All the conflict, all the worry, all the fighting, all the dissenting voices in my head. It all stops today. Today I learn the biggest lesson, finally. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.<br /><br />I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired to trying to get my way and never getting anywhere with it. I'm tired of hoping someone will understand an try to compromise. I'm tired of people trying to tell me how to fix some part of my life when they don't really know what's wrong in the first place... and won't bother to actually look to see what it is that's wrong.<br /><br />So today, I resolved to end it all. It will no longer be a concern for anyone. No one will have to hear me complain ever again. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. My life, as it was, is over and now something new starts. I will no longer fight the forces that try to control me. I will simply pick one and give it control... and remove all the other forces in my life. I've picked which one it will be. Everyone else will rail at my choice, but it doesn't matter. At least the fighting will finally stop.<br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-16762870447572084382010-09-04T19:33:00.001-07:002010-09-04T19:49:46.162-07:00Holy Shit... an Entry!?<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Well what can I say... I couldn't stay away forever. :) <br /><br />Life has been pretty busy, actually (obviously). My roommates decided to move out. Originally they had a plan that looked like it was going to work out pretty well for them, but if didn't work out (like most plans) and so they're living with one of the guys' mother. C'est la vie, non?<br /><br />Now, I'm alone, again. I haven't lived alone in 7 years. It was 2003 when Rob and I got back together and bought a house. 2006, he and I split up for the last time and I moved in with Twink. 2008 I moved to Port St. Lucie with Sadao. He left at the beginning of this year, leaving John and Jeremiah... who left just a week ago tomorrow.<br /><br />So... since I last posted, things have been busy. Now it's me and my cat Bishop ... and my new bunny, Dargo. I find I'm happy with it... but not... all at the same time. Regardless, there's not much I can do about it at the moment.<br /><br />Work life is pretty good. It's been BUSY though. I've started making a plan of my own, but I'm keeping the details "loose" so the universe can't completely screw with it. Never put all your eggs in one basket... (unless all you have is one basket). <br /><br />One bit of good news, I got started on hormones again. I can already feel them starting to do their magic, too. Kinda weird... it's been a few years now. But I'm glad I'm getting MY life back in order now instead of helping every one else. I guess it is time for me for a bit. I'm here until May... after that, I don't know what. I have some ideas, but as I already said... I'm not letting the universe know too much. It fucks with me more often than I would like. <br /><br />I've been thinking about taking these notes, this journal of mine and committing them to a book for anyone who might want to be the maniacal ramblings of a 40 y/o tranny. I figure that if time is money and I'm spending my time writing it all down... I might as well try to get paid for it.<br /><br />Yes, things are changing for miss Jenna. I'll probably be writing more. I've got a lot to do to this house before I can vacate. I have work to do on my car (or get a new one) and there are still adventures to be had. Getting there is the hard-work part. I always hate that part. But it does make one appreciate it that much more. <br /><br />Anyway, this is just a quick note to update and remind anyone who might be paying attention that I'm still here.<br /><br />Peace,<br />Jenna<br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-36781626750170904992010-06-02T12:13:00.000-07:002010-06-02T12:39:47.892-07:00Diligence! It's important (yeah, right)<span style="font-family: verdana;font-size:85%;" >Okay... so every now and then I will click on a link (usually an ad) that piques my interest. This one said "Secret to Rapid Muscle Growth Discovered by Scientists." I was understandably curious. So I clicked on the link. I didn't think it was an ad at first.<br /><br />I was directed to a site called <a href="http://www.mensbest.com/article/content/fb_lgid=28&fb_lpid=71&fb_itid=961704&nid=15&aff_id=usa_dbmb_desc">Men's Best</a>. It began discussing this safe alternative to steroids. It wasn't long before I realized this was an ad disguised as a men's health site. That's fine... as long as the information is credible. It was, in fact, giving a glowing review about a product called Force Factor that purportedly uses Nitric Oxide to boost muscle growth. I was reading with interest but at some point my brain went, "wait a minute... I don't know about that." Here is that point:<br /><br /></span><blockquote style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: verdana;font-size:85%;" >Nitric Oxide is produced naturally by your body when you work out, so you know it is safe.</span><span style="font-size:85%;"></span></blockquote><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Oh really? What if I replace the subject with Carbon Dioxide? </span></span><span style="font-family: verdana;font-size:85%;" >Really? This is called the soft and sleazy sell. "Oh, well your body produces this for making your muscles work better and harder... so you know it's got to be good for you!"<br /><br />So, my natural sense of diligence kicked in. Over to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nitric_oxide">Wikipedia</a> I went and guess what I read about Nitric Oxide? Oh stop guessing, here it is:<br /><br /></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"></span><blockquote style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Nitric oxide (common name) or nitrogen monoxide (systematic name) is a chemical compound with chemical formula NO. This gas is an important signaling molecule in the body of mammals, including humans, and is an extremely important intermediate in the chemical industry. It is also an <span style="font-weight: bold;">air pollutant</span> produced by <span style="font-weight: bold;">cigarette smoke, automobile engines and power plants.</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">NO is an important messenger molecule involved in many physiological and pathological processes within the mammalian body both beneficial and detrimental. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Appropriate levels</span> of NO production are important in <span style="font-weight: bold;">protecting</span> an organ such as the liver from ischemic damage. However <span style="font-weight: bold;">sustained levels</span> of NO production result in <span style="font-weight: bold;">direct tissue toxicity</span> and contribute to the <span style="font-weight: bold;">vascular collapse</span> associated with <span style="font-weight: bold;">septic shock</span>, whereas <span style="font-weight: bold;">chronic expression</span> of NO is associated with various <span style="font-weight: bold;">carcinomas</span> and inflammatory conditions including <span style="font-weight: bold;">juvenile diabetes, multiple sclerosis, arthritis and ulcerative colitis.</span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: verdana; font-weight: bold;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Force Factor is apparently loaded with this stuff. Still thinking about trying it? But then... who do say is right? Maybe Wikipedia got it wrong. It's not impossible. Maybe there's more to this Nitric Oxide idea than meets the eye. My gut reaction was to the soft-sell, of course... the "Oh you <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">know</span></span> it's good for you because your body <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">naturally</span></span> produces it."<br /><br />Please... stop patronizing us advertisers. Talk to us like people, damnit... not like children. If you're going to talk about something that can easily be researched via the largest collection of information of all time, give us ALL the information yourself... not just part of it. Those who have gone before me weren't afraid to call bullshit on something that didn't sound right... I'm not afraid either.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family: verdana;">Really people... diligence is important. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Peace,</span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Jenna</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-86946185449353966572010-05-24T08:23:00.000-07:002010-05-24T08:36:42.885-07:00Damaged<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I've not posted here in a while. Most of my internet addiction has been concentrated on Facebook lately... but I think I've finally kicked that habit.<br /><br />Life has been an emotional roller-coaster ride lately all due to my interactions with one person. It's not been a fun ride, either. I like roller-coasters so perhaps I should give this a more appropriate metaphor... it's been more like torture.<br /><br />It's important to be careful about who you trust in your life with any real information about you. Gender identity, daily activities, sexual identity don't count, in my opinion. We're sorta past these things and have accepted them about ourselves. Others who can't accept them ... well, that's their problem.<br /><br />No, I'm talking about things you may have done that could REALLY come back to bite you in the ass. It's not even about trust, really. You can trust someone one minute and completely distrust them the next. The best litmus test, in my opinion, about whether or not someone is trustworthy is to see how they've handled some of their other past friends... and then make the determination as to whether or not they could (at some point) also do that to you.<br /><br />This is practical advice, honestly. Of course, there's also the question as to why we even tell anyone our dirty little secrets at all. Maybe we secretly want to pay for our past "crimes" and are looking for someone to call us out on something we don't have the strength to bring out into the light ourselves. Regardless, one should be prepared for anything that might come from this.<br /><br />Basically, right now, all this has left me so emotionally and mentally damaged I'm finding it very hard to trust anyone.... which is kinda shitty since that's all I really want out of life, honestly... someone I can trust with my secrets that won't leave... won't judge... and will stand by me through thick and thin. Someone who will help me find the strength to face my "crimes" and will, without a shadow of doubt, be there with me regardless of the outcome.<br /><br />So far, still no luck with that. In fact, it keeps getting worse. <br /><br />So, I have to clean my sheets myself. I have to deal with my past myself... without someone to talk to about them... without someone to encourage me and say, "it's okay, you'll make it ... and I'm not going anywhere."<br /><br />Kinda sucks... but it's okay, I guess. <br /><br />I'll write more about this past weekend later. Right now, I just needed to get all that off my chest.<br /><br />Peace,<br />Jenna<br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-47154816535004774992010-05-05T19:19:00.000-07:002010-05-05T19:53:13.568-07:00How is that my problem?<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">So it's been 5 months since I last wrote... that's a hot minute or two, isn't it? A lot has happened in my life, that's all I can really say... and yet nothing has really changed that much. Typical. It's the inevitable curse of the one who wants to know how all the magician's tricks work. They want to be the magician. Problem is... there's no-one left that wants to be mystified. It's an imbalance, you see.<br /><br />Okay... this may ramble a bit, sorry... try to keep up (I'm struggling to write it so you should have to struggle to read it... I try to keep things fair).<br /><br />What happens when all the wonder is gone? When there's nothing but cold hard facts and there's no mystery anymore, what do we have left to wonder about? Well, we can start to wonder why we were so curious in the first place and back track until we figure it out. But then we're right back where we started from... with nothing left to wonder about.<br /><br />But that's not what I was going to write about... because I actually DO have something to wonder about, still. I wonder why it is that people don't see the obvious. I wonder why it is that people make stories about things rather than take them at face value. It strikes me very odd.<br /><br />I have a friend who thinks that I think he's the reason for my happiness. He honestly believes that I've pinned all my hopes and dreams on him... yet we are not even in the same county, let alone the same city. I know for a fact that the things that bring me the most joy are the things that I will protect and pursue with great fervor. Like any other human on this planet... whatever it is that gives us that "high-on-life" feeling is what we will defend to the death.<br /><br />Now I have, in the past, placed my hopes and dreams upon people. But I have also learned (the VERY hard and emotionally damaging way) that people are typically not worthy of my most prized possessions (i.e. my happiness). They'll run off with them. They have been consistent about it. Yet people still believe that I am "hung up" on the idea. Or at least, that's what they say. However, ever since the invention of lying and sarcasm I find it difficult to even believe what anyone says anymore either. True sensory experience is about the only thing that I can 100% believe in, anymore. <br /><br />It boggles my brain to hear some of the crap I hear flowing from people's mouths day-in and day-out. I am actually quite a simple creature. I do not need a story to explain my existence. I do not have to assume ulterior motives for reasons certain people are in my life. I'm an excellent hunter gatherer. I am also not a half-bad nurturer-provider (if I do say so myself). But the primary reason that people are in my life is simply due to what I can hunt, gather and provide. If I weren't around, they would find someone else to provide for them (or do it themselves). It's simple economics and social patterns.<br /><br />When people tire of what I provide, or if I place a price upon those provisions that is outside their comfort zone, they leave. <br /><br />I'm also fairly certain that this same principle is part of what causes people to create the stories they create. My theory is that in order to justify themselves and their stance or position, they must continually point out the perceived inordinate price-tag of my provisions and attempt to invoke guilt within me to compensate and get a better price.<br /><br />These emotional rapists are everywhere. It makes me wonder if I'll ever find a true equal at all ... and if I do, what would be the point of us showing affection toward each other as we would both consider it to be fake by this point.<br /><br />My brain hurts. What really hurts is that I have, occasionally, found people with whom I could just let my hair down... and when I do, they run away with the aforementioned prized possessions. It's a catch 22. In order to achieve the peace of mind I so desire, I need to be able to let my guard down and be completely vulnerable with another human being... but the very reason my guard is up is that people always disappoint me when my guard is down... which is what I wanted in the first place. It would seem to follow that all I really want is to get hurt... when I don't... not really.<br /><br />Eh... I'm tired ... both tired physically and tired of this subject. So, I'm out.<br /><br />Peace,<br />Jenna<br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-82832823157596697922009-12-18T06:38:00.000-08:002009-12-18T06:40:55.941-08:00*deep contented sigh*<p style="font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">I posted this as a response on another blog I read... and I was so struck by what I had written (apparently completely channeling the infinite) that I chose to repost here. I hope you like it.</span></p><p style="font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" ></p><hr style="height: 2px; font-family: verdana;"><p style="font-family: verdana;"></p><p style="font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">Relax. Breathe Deep. Let it out slow.</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">Isn't it a beautiful day today? I love the way atmosphere and celestial bodies create a canopy of amazing colors and shapes in completely unique arrangements every day and night. Nature changes and change is natural. It is how things work and it is beautiful. </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">When we get caught up in consistency we become annoyed and irritated at the stagnant repetition... like a scratched vinyl record, skipping back and repeating the same thing every time. </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">You wonder about fluidity and connectedness, it's all around us, all the time, everywhere. Perhaps not all the time with all the same people in the same situations... but that is natural and purposeful. </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">Humans are, among other things, pattern recognition machines. Ascribing purpose, reason and meaning to those patterns is part of our nature. When those patterns change or disappear altogether, we are either delighted or mournful based on how meaningful and personally fulfilling the pattern was in our own lives. Seeing past that and viewing the fluidity is seeing the greater good. It's being able to see that if your hands are filled with one thing, you will have no room to accept the gifts coming your way without dropping something you didn't REALLY want in the first place... or something that no longer meant as much as it did. One step further than that is realizing that holding on even for a moment is just as futile. </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">We can cling to the one with closed fist... or experience the infinite with an open hand. </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" face="verdana"><span style="font-size:85%;">So relax and let the fluidity you seek wash over you, around you and experience it all without judgment, meaning or requirement. Surround yourself with people willing and desiring to experience life the same way. Entreat others to join you as well, without reproach if they choose to go back to being clingy... for that is the nature of change too.</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Peace,<br />Jenna</span></p>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-23534236760321488662009-12-15T13:24:00.001-08:002009-12-15T13:24:56.924-08:00Ever get that feeling...<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">... that the people you know just don't know what they want? *sigh*<br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-58088489117677987182009-11-23T06:18:00.000-08:002009-11-23T06:21:05.752-08:00Missing<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-48321890933510917962009-11-19T10:57:00.000-08:002009-11-19T12:19:58.854-08:00The Carrot or the Stick<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">You've heard the expression ... It means that in order to motivate someone you either offer them a carrot if they do what you want... or you hit them with a stick until they do what you want. It's used with donkeys (jack-asses) since they're so stubborn.<br /><br />Reasonable way of getting what you want, right?<br /><br />Not really. Actually, it's kinda lame. If you have to put that much energy into getting someone or something to do what you want them or it to do... is it really worth it after all? I guess that depends on what you're hoping to gain ... it also depends on whether or not all you have is a donkey to do the work.<br /><br />There's all kinds of work that this can be applied to: Housework, homework, career work, yard work. There's one place where this concept is just NEVER appropriate... AT ALL. When someone's feeling down.<br /><br />You can't fix that. You can't change it. You can't make it better. They have to do it on their own. People know this... and that's when the temptation comes in to MAKE them do it on their own. (What a concept!) "Look at that shiny carrot! All you gotta do is stop feeling this way!" or "Sheese! Why do you have to feel this way all time? You need to stop and deal with it and make your life better or no one will ever want to be around you!"<br /><br />Although these statements are true... truth is not a substitute for faith... and depression is caused by loss of faith.<br /><br />If I'm feeling down about something, you can beat me up all day telling me about what I need to do... it doesn't help. It doesn't make one bit of difference. If the light is off, and I want it on... I have to turn it on. I have to change it. Telling me what will happen if I do or do not turn the light on will not change a damned thing.<br /><br />So what CAN you do here? Help to rebuild the faith. Help restore that which was lost. <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">If I'm depressed, CHEER ME UP.</span> Don't point out the sores on my soul and tell me I need to do something about them. They will heal over time. It would be better to not do anything rather than sit there and point them out to me. I know they're there... you don't have to remind me!<br /><br />I see it a lot. I see people that try to help, to intercede and provide solace and comfort. This doesn't help unless the person is absolutely and completely exhausted. The trainer doesn't comfort and coddle the boxer between rounds. He doesn't offer to fight the fight for the boxer. He pats the boxer on the back, builds up his confidence and sends him back out there to fight his fight.<br /><br />Now, this can get more complicated if you're part of the reason the person is depressed. There's REALLY nothing you can do at that point... except to live your life and SHOW how much fun it is to "turn the light on." <br /><br />Now this NEXT part is really sickening... and yeah... it DOES happen... and ANYONE who tries to deny it in their own life is lying to themselves and everyone else:<br /><br />Someone holding a grudge will keep holding that grudge until the person they're holding a grudge about is completely out of the picture. Then, and only then, will they drop it. It's sickening! It happens! I do it! You do it! Why? We've been hurt... whether it was intended or not, we got hurt and attached a name to it.<br /><br />But why hold the grudge? To SHOW the person that we're hurt! To appeal to their compassion and reel them in for comfort or accusation (or an odd combination of both). Letting GO of that grudge is WICKED HARD to do. But there's no way you can pry their fingers from it. It's not possible.<br /><br />So... while you're having fun and trying to SHOW your depressed friend how much fun life is, they're going to hold on to that grudge until the weight becomes unbearable even </span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">for </span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">themselves. Your faith in their ability to survive and to kick that survival instinct into gear has to be strong enough to overcome your empathy for them. You're doing them a favor whether it feels like it or not.<br /><br />"What if what I'm doing is causing pain for my depressed friend even though it's not intended?"<br /><br />There's a choice to be made here. Either you stop doing whatever it is that depresses them, or you do it away from them until they can get used to your behavior. Personally, I think the second option is better. The first option shows that you're willing to give in and that you're less important than they are. The second option shows respect for the other persons feelings yet doesn't compromise your own beliefs. If there was love there before, it will overcome any obstacles.<br /><br />There's an inherent danger in the second option though... you can become just as needy and demanding as your depressed friend. Making them meet you on your terms is no better than them making you meet them on their terms. You have to each come half-way... or not at all... if it's going to work.<br /><br />Well, I've rambled enough about this. To wrap it up... you can be sympathetic... just don't forget that you can't be sympathetic without being pathetic first.<br /><br />(Long way to go for a joke? You decide ... maybe it was a joke... maybe it wasn't).<br /><br />Peace,<br />Jenna<br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-80689785386307959732009-10-27T08:57:00.000-07:002009-10-27T09:45:18.245-07:00Yes, No, NULL<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">There's a concept in computer programing that, despite people's claims to the contrary, actually does translate to human interaction. Booleans.<br /><br />A boolean is a type of variable. A variable is something that can have a value or no value. It's basically a label for something else. For instance. I see something that no-one has ever seen before. It exists by all means of physical measurement (sight, sound, touch, etc) but it has yet to be categorized. It requires a label... something that describes it. We use labels ALL the time. Human, Dog, Wheelbarrow, Tissue, Cassette, Bumblebee, etc. NOUNS!<br /><br />Regardless, it's just a label used to describe something. That is a variable. It's a label that's used to describe SOMETHING.<br /><br />Now, variables come in all types. Types are yet ANOTHER label. It's something to further describe that thing we're trying to desribe. There are String Variables which means that whatever the variable is pointing at is made up of characters like letters, numbers, punctuation marks, etc. There are Integer Variables which means that what the variable is pointing at is a whole number within a certain range. <br /><br />Then there are Boolean Variables. Boolean Variables mean that what the variable is pointing at is either a Yes or a No, a True or a False, a 1 or a 0.<br /><br />Now... I want to get back to something that I said at the beginning of the second paragraph. A variable is something that can have a value ... <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">or no value</span></span>.<br /><br />Yup, EVERYTHING can have NO VALUE. If you think of a variable like a box, the box may be specifically designed to hold something. But it <span style="font-style: italic;">could</span> be holding NOTHING. This means that the contents of that box haven't been filled yet.<br /><br />Now... boolean variables are like yes/no questions.<br /><br />"Do you love me?"<br />"Are you going to come back?"<br />"Are we going to keep acting like this?"<br /><br />These are yes/no questions at their root... the answer is whatever the variable (or question) is pointing to. The problem is that even though it can only be Yes or No... it can also be NULL. Meaning, there is no answer yet.<br /><br />Assumption #1: NULL means YES. This is obviously not the case even though it's been burned into our brains for so long. Consider the following latin phrase often used in law: <span style="font-style: italic;">Qui tacet consentire videtur</span> which translates to "He who is silent is understood to consent" or "You're not defending yourself or disagreeing or providing any proof to the contrary so you must be agreeing with what I said." <br /><br />This is crap.<br /><br /></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Assumption #2: NULL means NO. This is obviously just as fallacious as the first. However, this the next step in human reasoning. It goes like this: If NULL doesn't mean yes... and Booleans can only have a value of Yes or No, NULL must mean No. <br /><br />This, too, is crap.<br /><br /></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">NULL simply means, I don't know yet. I know what TYPE of answer belongs here, but I don't know WHICH answer belongs here yet.<br /><br /></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">These questions are ALSO based on states. And those states are always in flux. <br /></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />"Is there someone named 'Fancy Mr. Stinkyteets' on this planet?"<br /><br />Can you really answer that question with a Yes or No answer? Probably not without researching it, verifying it and proving it. Even then, considering the nature of change on this planet, can you ever come up with a 100% verifiable answer of "No?" "Well, there WAS... but he died yesterday... but there might be another somewhere, or someone I asked before might have changed their name by now."<br /><br />"Is there a dinosaur in my back yard?"<br /><br />When asked during the Jurassic period, the answer to that could be Yes. Today, more than likely that would be No.<br /><br />"So what's all the hubbub about anyway? Why go through all this? You're boring me already!" ... Right?<br /><br />If someone says, "I don't know" don't make the mistakes I did by assuming this answer to be synonymous with True or False. Accept that True and False are simply concepts that help us determine actions. Accept that "I don't know" (or NULL) is simply something to indicate that action is required before an answer can be given.<br /><br />Also, don't be afraid of True, False or NULL. They've existed since time immortal and will continue to exist even after we are dead and buried. Understand how these concepts play out in our lives to adjust our emotions, actions and motivations. <br /><br />So... if you're struggling today... trying to figure out the answer to a question whose answer you KNOW is NULL at the moment, don't fret and don't worry about it. It may be YOUR question... but it's not YOUR answer. The answer will be there eventually. <br /><br />Peace,<br />Jenna<br /><br /><br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-56079203552975710222009-10-13T08:48:00.000-07:002009-10-13T08:55:17.215-07:00Interesting Idea... Still Full of Crap<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">My mother is one of my readers here. I'm not sure how many others are reading (I know there's a couple of you out there though) but this is an interesting letter she forwarded to me. It's a story that claims to prove the existence of God even with so much pain and suffering in the world. It goes like this:<br /><br /><blockquote>A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.<br />When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: 'I don't believe that God exists..'<br /><br />'Why do you say that?' asked the customer.<br /><br />'Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain! I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.'<br /><br />The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.<br /><br />Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber 'You know what? Barbers do not exist.'<br /><br />'How can you say that?' asked the surprised barber. 'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!'<br /><br />'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside!'<br /><br />'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me.'<br /><br />'Exactly!' affirmed the customer. 'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'<br /></blockquote><br />Here's what I wrote back:<br /><br /><br /><blockquote>Cute, mom. Although the logic suffers. It's similar to what's called casual correlation. In Latin the phrase is "Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc" which translates as "after this, therefore because of this."<br /><br />It's the belief that since Event B occurred after Event A occurred, Event B must have happened BECAUSE of Event A. The man's long hair and beard doesn't mean he didn't go to a barber. It means his hair grew naturally without interference from outside influences. It is conceivable that he went to a barber and was refused treatment. Perhaps he didn't smell right, look right, didn't have enough money, whatever. There are plenty of possibilities.<br /><br />This is where words and logic fail to describe concepts like God and Love.<br /><br />It's a beautiful notion that all one has to do is go to a Barber and ask for a haircut... and that just by asking they will receive one. But realistically, that doesn't work. Of course, the barber's original statement about God not existing was fallacious too. His concept of God did not fit into the reality he lives in and therefore "disproved" the existence of God. The only thing he disproved, however, was <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">his </span>idea of God. Proving or disproving a metaphysical concept based on physical results is something only we humans do. But it helps us sleep at night. :)<br /><br />Regardless... *I* Love you and always will. :)<br /></blockquote><br />And I do love you, Mom. Proud to say it to the world, too. :)<br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-56857568718524099332009-10-12T05:54:00.000-07:002009-10-12T06:11:48.706-07:00Reason, Season, Lifetime, Bullshit<p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: italic;" align="justify"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></span></p><blockquote><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: italic;" align="justify"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;"> People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.</span></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: italic;" align="justify"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;"> When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. </span></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: italic;" align="justify"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;"> When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. </span></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: italic;" align="justify"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;"> LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.</span></span></p></blockquote><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: italic;" align="justify"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" align="justify"><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" align="justify"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">That is ALL CRAP by the way. Complete and utter bullshit. It's poetry. It was someone's way of categorizing people and putting them in little boxes. It's VERY VERY self-centered. And it cuts like a knife when someone uses it against you in a "positive life-affirming way.</span></span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" align="justify"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">This isn't the first time I've been given this lecture either. I'm getting kinda tired of this easy-out shit, personally. Especially from people who promise to be there with me for the long haul. It's no wonder I've never taken vows. I've yet to find anyone who can seriously agree to stick with me through good times and bad, through rich or poor, in sickness and health, til death do we part. Mind you, this is just as much crap as the other. More words used to define shit and make up something to believe in. It's not real, at least not for me. It's not happened yet and it's pissing me off. Can you tell?</span></span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" align="justify"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Again, it seems that once we identify something, it stops being what we identified it to be and chooses to be something else. Why can't I find someone where it's just <span style="font-style: italic;">natural</span>. Where there's no need to define it, describe it, identify it, label it, record it, pigeon-hole it, whatever to it? I'm over it! If you're trying to figure out life, you're working too hard and wasting precious time!</span></span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" align="justify"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">With that said, I'm going to get some work done. <br /></span></span></p>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-14828346270864433652009-09-30T05:17:00.000-07:002009-09-30T06:39:09.478-07:00The Nature of Hell<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">A long time ago (not in a galaxy far, far away, though), I came up with my defintion of Hell. Some people take literal meanings from the Bible and other sources, etc. For me, I found myself thinking logically (as I tend to do... ones and zeros and all that), and I came up with the following concept:<br /><br /> Hell indicates the lack of God's presence. However, someone who never knew God in the first place, would never be able to distinguish Hell from anything else since they would have no basis for comparison. Therefore Hell would have no meaning to them. Unlike physical things, conceptual ideas like hell are representative and therefore must have a meaning to exist. Without meaning, they can not exist. Physical things can exist without meaning, Metaphysical things can not. Therefore, in order for Hell to exist, there must be the absence of God ... with the knowledge of God.<br /><br /> When I posited that last sentence in my brain, all those years ago, I felt a chill. It's basically the concept of loss at the grandest scale possible. People become very irritated, angry or depressed when they lose something. The comedian Louis CK had a bit on that:<br /><br /><blockquote><span style="font-style: italic;">"I was on an airplane and there was internet, there was high-speed internet on the airplane. That's the newest thing that I know exists. And I'm sitting on the plane and they say, 'Open up your laptops, you can go on the internet' and it's fast, I'm watching YouTube clips, it's ama-I'm on an airplane. And then it breaks down and they apologize, 'The internet's not working.' The guy next to me goes 'Pshhht. This is bullshit.' Like how quickly the world owes him something ... he knew existed only 10 seconds ago."<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /><blockquote></blockquote></span></span></blockquote>Louis's comments are obviously meant to make light of this phenomena, but it's true and the phenomena is in full force today... and it affects us all... not one of us is immune... and you know it.<br /><br />Now, if we take my original description above and add to it the given "God is Love," it suddenly becomes much more poignant an relevant. Hell is the absence of Love, with the knowledge of Love. Suddenly it's more accessible to people. Suddenly we can see the self-made hell's we put ourselves through EVERY DAY without knowing it. Little things like, "My computer stopped working" to bigger things like "My car stopped working" to bigger things like "My kid won't listen" to bigger things like "My best friend did something I don't like" to bigger things and bigger things and bigger things until we have created hell for ourselves here on Earth rather than stay present in the Love that exists in Time and Eternity.<br /><br />I am not a doctor. I can't tell you what's going on in my body right now, if something is going to stop suddenly, or if I'm going to live to be 100. I'm not a mechanic. I can't tell you if my car will start when I want to leave work or if it will run without incident for 10 more years. I'm not a mind-reader. I can't tell if you're ready to walk out the door and never look back, or stay with me until I draw my last breath. I'm a software developer, and I still can't even tell you whether the code I write today will conflict with something else on your system or if it will run through time immortal.<br /><br />So what do I know? I know the difference between Love and the absence of Love. I understand the nature of hell very well, having put myself there many times. I choose to live my life in Love, with Love and for Love. I ask that you join me in that... but I will not force you. <br /><br />Peace,<br />Jenna<br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-12585041192695117612009-09-21T11:41:00.000-07:002009-09-21T11:43:53.801-07:00Exhausted<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I'm mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained today. <br /><br />God save me (and others) from myself today because right now, I don't give a damn.<br /><br /><br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-13001173598279571102009-09-17T09:01:00.000-07:002009-09-17T09:25:09.566-07:00Go Pomo!<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">I've looked into this before and it intrigued me... but for the sake of what I thought was true love, I strayed. Now I understand why I thought as I did and that it was true, at least for me... but without reciprocated activity, felt it was not. Lost yet? Yeah, I'm good at that.<br /><br />Okay. So there's all these labels out there for race, age, sexuality, gender, religion, faith, education, relationship status, etc. etc. etc. They are all used to describe and qualify us so we actually have some way to communicate with each other via these senses of ours.<br /><br />Yet society manages, unerringly mind you, to take these nouns, these labels, and create complete sub-cultures based on them. This creates divisions among us and sometimes causes hurt feelings, breakups, fights and even full-scale wars. In my opinion, this is a less than desirable outcome of social interaction. But what's the primary thing? What's the root? Where does it stem from? Well, I may be incorrect, uneducated or mis-informed here... but I think it's gender. It would seem to be the very first system of classification and division (aside, perhaps, from family, phylum and class divisions... I'm mainly examining human interaction at this time).<br /><br />From gender, I believe all other things sprang. It's evident within every historical account, myth and legend that currently exists in our cultures today. Binary. 1s and 0s. Ons and Offs. Darks and Lights. Positives and Negatives. Females and Males. Goods and Evils. TWO! Two is the root of it all. Yet we strive, each in our own way, to achieve oneness. It's this crazy struggle that we keep coming close to and even achieve for brief moments (in our own perception) only to return to the struggle.<br /><br />From Two came Four, Eight, Sixteen, etc. We have more combinations of labels for people now than ever before and we couldn't be happier/sadder about it. So what, you ask? Well, here's what.<br /><br />What if we threw all that away? Well, not completely. There are certain aspects of life that can't be denied. Genital configuration. Pigmentation tone. Sexual attraction. Etc. These things (among others) just exist without our knowledge of why... and we accept them for what they are ... descriptive nouns. BUT THAT SHOULD BE ALL WE ACCEPT THEM FOR!<br /><br />Enter the idea of Post Modern Sexuality or POMO! Yes, I believe in this stuff WHOLE-HEARTEDLY. So far, it's the only thing that makes sense. It says, "Fine, label me. But don't put me in a camp for all those labeled that way... I'd like to play too, dammit." Let me show you some videos that might help:<br /><br /></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><object width="445" height="364"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/k3Mt7FMoFrs&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6&border=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/k3Mt7FMoFrs&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="445" height="364"></embed></object></span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><object width="445" height="364"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/N68TIqPKqxs&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6&border=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/N68TIqPKqxs&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="445" height="364"></embed></object></span></span><br /><br /></div><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Does that help? See, nothing matters at the end anyway... at least none of this stuff that we choose to fight about. So why fight at all? Love is Love. Let it be in your life... and stop the hate if you can. Then maybe we can finally get out of this world of TWO once and for all!<br /><br />Peace,<br />Jenna<br /><br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-77203889406977666082009-09-11T21:32:00.000-07:002009-09-11T21:56:51.006-07:00Confusion is Nothing New<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">It's part of a line from Cyndi Lauper's song "Time After Time." The full line is "Caught up in Circles, Confusion is Nothing New." Those words ring so true in my heart right now.<br /><br />I left Eric's house about an hour ago. Came back to Mom's and checked e-mail and facebook and such. But since I left, the thoughts running through my head have been simply crazy and confusing. This week has been good, but also bittersweet. I have had a wonderful vacation but I can feel the turmoil starting to creep back in as I think about returning to Florida.<br /><br />I would love nothing more than to throw caution to the wind, sell all my worldly possessions (or at least most of them) and return home. But there are some things I just can't quite get to coalesce in my mind just yet. <br /><br />My love for those in Florida (one in particular) tethers me there, somewhat. However, that tether is frayed and could snap at any moment. My love for my friends and family in Indiana is strong, however it is also a frail bond thanks to almost 18 years of absence. Things simply aren't the same and I can't expect them to be... nor would I really want them to be, at least, not exactly.<br /><br />I know how I'd <span style="font-style: italic;">like</span> things to work, however that dream is far from being reality any time soon. If I were able to transplant one part of my life to another part of my life, things might work... but I might as well ask for a free trip to the Sea of Tranquility as well. It's not bloody likely.<br /><br />I'm good, <span style="font-style: italic;">real good</span>, at making things sound easy. I'm sometimes even good at making them that easy ... or at least making them look that way. But in truth, it never is as easy as I make it out to be. It's one of those times where I can't pick the lesser of two evils or the greater of two goods... it's one of those "choose" moments... not decision moments.<br /><br />I must make this choice within 48 hours, too, and then stay focused on that choice. It's good, in a way... it gives me something I've been lacking in my life for a long time now... a goal. I'm almost ready to face that choice. A good night's sleep should help. <br /><br />I pray that the Spirit descends upon me in my sleep, clears the confusion and lights a path I can follow. <br /><br />Peace,<br />Jenna<br /><br /><br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-40834371455982081172009-09-03T09:45:00.000-07:002009-09-03T10:04:45.552-07:00So... Why?<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">As near as I can figure at this point... the reason is "because life is pretty long for most people."<br /><br />Ahh... but what was the question? You can pretty much put any 'why' question in front of that. Why should I go to work? Why should I get married? Why should I have kids? Why should I believe in God? Why should I go to the movies? Why should I ask that cute boy/girl to dance? <br /><br />Look: Our minds play tricks on us all the time. To quote George Carlin, "Ever stand back far enough away from a chain length fence that when you stare at it, all of a sudden it looks like it's right in front of you?" In my own personal experience, have you ever sat at a railroad crossing, watching a train go by, and suddenly think the train is standing still and the world is moving instead?<br /><br />So there are questions we have. When I tell people about my past, I hear "why" a lot. I have no friggin' idear, honestly. It made sense at the time... now maybe not so much. Then again, maybe it does... it still helps pass the time! <br /><br />What we're REALLY looking for is that perpetual high. Don't deny it. Whether or not you've used drugs is immaterial here. It's the high of living. That feeling of accomplishment, success, forward progress, momentum, dreams and goals realized and all that comes with them. That shit is ADDICTIVE!<br /><br />Who WOULDN'T want that?! So why do so many people deny it from themselves? Opportunities become challenges or requirements instead of the other way around. That's insane! It's staring at the half-empty glass of cold beer and letting it get warm because it's only half.<br /><br />Mid-Life Crisis? Yeah, I think so. In this case, instead of full or empty... it's "only" or "already." Only Half-Lived... or Already Half-Lived. "My life is only half-over... I've still got a LOT to do!" or "My life is already half-over and where has it gotten me, really?"<br /><br />Actually, strike that... it's not only a mid-life crisis... it's a complete life crisis. <br /><br />Some people are downers ... while others are uppers. I'm usually an upper but I've had my moments of being a downer. I know exactly when and why these moments have occurred. Fortunately, knowing that, I can take steps to reduce their frequency (and that statement alone firmly places me in the upper category). <br /><br />Pehaps this sounds like me tooting my own horn... and if you're thinking that.... you're right and I can't change your mind... nor will I try. For that's one of the things that can cause one of those aforementioned "moment" to occur.<br /><br />So... enjoy your life... or hate it. It's your choice. I've made mine. Why? Because it's a long damned time. :)<br /><br />Peace,<br />Jenna<br /></span></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272276066974902779.post-39650832415332249672009-08-24T10:43:00.000-07:002009-08-24T15:24:35.360-07:00A story for you<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Okay... Ever have one of those moments where you just suddenly start creating and you can't stop? Writing, singing, composing, building, whatever. This just happened to me here. This is an inspired story but I'm not going to say what inspired it. As you will see, it's not finished. But hopefully some day, it will be... and hopefully it will have a happy ending.<br /><br />------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />What? Why are you looking at me like that? I see you looking at all the dents in my body, the dirt on my wheels, the torn-up upholstery, the broken tail-light. Yeah, I see you noticing it all. I supposed you want my story, eh? Fine. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">I was beautiful once. A brand new candy-apple red mustang convertible. All the other cars sat on the lot staring at me with envy. I was beautiful, fast, and powerful. I was in the prime of my life! One day, I met my owner-to-be. Oh he was good-looking and I knew he'd look good riding around with his hands on my steering wheel. I could tell, just by looking at him, that he knew exactly how to handle me too. He would take me to all the rights places where I would get fawned over and treated like a celebrity! Boy was I ever right!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">We went everywhere together. He took me to work where I sat outside and mocked all his co-workers' cars. He took me to parties with his friends and introduced me all around. Everyone loved me. We went to the beach and even to a red-carpet event. We had a blast together.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">He took good care of me to start with. Regular checkups and oil changes. Bought me new wheels, even sprung for an upgrade or two. But he didn't always pay attention to everything. Like when my brakes went out the first time. Sure, I squealed about it for a while first. But he had other things to think about... or so he said. He would rub my dash and say, "I know, baby. I just gotta take care of other things right now like the rent and groceries. Times are tough and I'm doin' good to keep you gassed up and your oil changed! But I promise it won't be like this forever." And he was right.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">I remember when my brakes gave out. I just couldn't take it anymore and snapped. Next thing you know, BAM! we were in an accident. My side still hurts from just thinking about it. I felt bad about it. But there was nothing I could do about it! My owner, boy was he pissed! He starting screaming and yelling. He even kicked me a couple of times! </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Things got steadily worse. He took me in to get me fixed up, but I could tell he wasn't happy about it. His mood and manners were completely different after that. We weren't the happy couple any more. It was almost a chore for him after that. When we would go for a tune-up or for an oil-change, he would bitch about how much I was costing him instead of being happy that we were still together. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">More things began to happen. My electronics for the convertible top gave out in a rain-storm. Vandals ripped holes in my seats. It was "one thing after another" as he would say. I said it too, but it never seemed to matter. He couldn't get it out of his head.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">One day he drove off with a friend of his in another car. When he came back, he was driving another car! This one was DEFINITELY not me. It was younger than me... but not as flashy, not as sporty and not as good as me... and we both knew it. My owner called it his "daily driver" car. Said he needed something to drive back and forth to work that was reliable. He said that this was so he could wait and spend more time and money on me without me getting any worse for the wear. I was skeptical about it, though. He never had any problems with driving me around before. Why wouldn't he just spend that time with me instead?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Time went by. He kept looking at me longingly, with love and regret in his eyes, but then he would just go off with that younger, uglier, so-not-me car. Every time he would look at me, I'd get a small thrill that maybe today was the day. Maybe today would be the day he would say, "Okay, let's go and get all that taken care of." I kept hoping and waiting.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Finally, one day, he came out to the garage. I looked at him dejectedly, expecting him to give me pat on the head again and go right out to that whore in the drive-way. But he didn't! He had MY key in his hands! He opened my door and sat down. I can't tell you how wonderful that felt... but there was something different this time. He had a paper in his hands. I couldn't tell what it was but it wasn't something he was happy about.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">We took off. Headed back out onto the open road again! I was a bit rusty and so I coughed and sputtered a bit... but I was determined to make this work.. if he was really going to make this happen this time! I was so ready to see everything that was broken finally get fixed. Even the smallest thing would keep me going! As we were driving, I saw the repair shop up ahead and my heart skipped a beat. But then we drove past it! I tried to tell him that we missed our turn, but he wasn't listening. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Finally, we came to our destination. It was the first place we met. There I was, broken, ugly, worn-out... staring at all these other cars that were brand new and shiny. Suddenly I knew why we were here. It was over. He was getting ready to turn me in and drive away with a newer car... just like before. But this time, he'd still have his "daily-driver" car... and they would get all the benefits that I was supposed to have! I felt betrayed! I was heart-sick. I was ANGRY! What did I do to deserve this?!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">He went inside and came out with a young man who worked there. He began inspecting me. I didn't like the way he looked at me. I knew he was just looking to see what he could get out of me. He had no respect for me at all. He popped my hood, checked everything there and then wrote down ALL of my faults on his clip-board. When he was done, he pulled out a calculator and quickly told my owner what I was worth. A mere fraction of what he paid for me. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">My owner's face fell. He was hoping for more, I guess. It wasn't pretty. I didn't care. I had had enough lies by this point. While we were there, I popped one of my own springs. It scared them both... and the man with the clipboard told my owner a lower number. I felt good and smug. If this was how he was going to treat me, after all this time, fine.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">But then something happened. Just as my owner was about to hand my key over to that pimply-faced kid with the calculator, he stopped. He had been distracted by something. It was the man who sold me to him in the first place. He came over and asked how we were doing. My owner began to tell him the story of our life together... as if it were a eulogy for me. As he talked about the places we had been and the fun we had had together, his eyes lit up like they did when those times were real. I could tell he was moved... but it was obvious that his mind was made up.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">My owner finished his story and the man who sold me looked at him and said, "Seems a shame to get rid of something that means so much to you. This ol' gal has treated you the best she could, but no-body's perfect and nothin' lasts forever except the love we have in our hearts. When that goes, we truly are dead."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">I'm not sure what happened next, or why... but my owner put my key back in his pocket. He thanked them both and he got back in me and left the lot. On the way back, he stopped at the repair shop. This was too much! After all that drama, NOW he decides to make things right? Why? So he could get a better price for me?! Now it was MY turn to be unhappy. I wasn't about to make this easy. There was more wrong than he could possibly know and I was going to make this expensive. If he didn't want me, I didn't want to be his either. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">When we got home, he rubbed my dash again and said, "I'm going to make this right, no matter what it takes." Whatever. I didn't care. He was simply letting someone else change his mind *AGAIN* and I wasn't going to have any of it this time. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">The repair bills started to stack up. He couldn't afford all that had to be done and maintain his lifestyle. I knew it was just a matter of time before we were back at the car lot. He was driving me a lot more, and I was falling apart a lot more. Every time something fell apart, we were back at the repair shop. I was so angry I didn't even notice that he wasn't paying any attention to that other car he had. I started to feel bad for it. It wasn't expecting any of this. This made me even more angry! I couldn't see straight I was so angry. Not only had he screwed me up, but now he was doing the same thing to another! </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">So I stopped working altogether, completely. He took me to every repair shop and no-one was able to figure out what the problem was. He even started tinkering with me himself, but couldn't find the problem. He didn't know I was intentionally making it hard for him to find. It was going to take a miracle to get me going again. It hurt, believe me. All I ever wanted was to have the good ole' days back again. But it got so screwed up! As much as I wanted for things to be the way they were, I couldn't do that at the price of the other car. I just couldn't do it. I said "Fine, he wins." For months I just sat there, gathering dust. It seemed like an eternity. But at least the other car was getting what it needed. I took heart in knowing that I averted that loss. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">This was when my owner did a miraculous thing. Beyond what I ever expected. He woke up early and pushed me outside. He washed me, cleaned me up and did the same for the other car. Just as he was finishing up, a man showed up at the house with his son. They began looking at us, the other car and I. My owner was talking up the other car... singing it's praises up one side and down the other. Telling them how happy he was with it and how good of a daily driver car it had been. I was ambivalent. I just sat there hoping a bird would come and shit on me... or better yet shit on him.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">The young man was looking hard at me. I recognized that look. It was the same look I saw in my owner all those years ago. Then when he couldn't stand it anymore he asked my owner, "Well, how much for your other car?"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">I thought, well, here it comes. Finally after all this time... freedom! My owner said to the boy, "Young man, she's not for sale. You see, she's been with me for a long time. We've been through many good times and bad times together. I made a promise to her a long time ago and I intend to keep that promise."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">The boy was upset, but he looked like he understood. It was the first kind words I'd heard from him in a long time. I didn't know what to make of it. The older man looked over the other car and was pleased. He gave my owner some money and he handed them the key to the other car. They left together, leaving me alone with my owner in the front lawn.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">He pushed me back into the garage, turned the lights out and said, "See you tomorrow."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">The next day, my owner brought home a part for me. As he began to work he said, "This is for you. It's all I have left and it's everything I have. I hope this works, because I miss you. But if it doesn't, I'll take the bus, ride a bike or carpool with someone else if I have to. I'll keep saving money and keep trying things until I replace every part, if necessary. I spent a lot of time and energy doing other things and not enough time taking care of you. I'm sorry, my friend."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">My friend. Those words struck me. He had never called me that before. I was his baby, he was my owner. We knew our places. If I didn't run right, it was my fault because I was imperfect. He could fix anything with money and time. I was to serve him. But during the best of our times together, it never felt like I was property. We moved together as one. We completed each other. We were friends during those times without saying it.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">He put the key in the chamber and turned it. I sputtered and coughed and whined... but all the while my mind was reeling over those two words. Suddenly I forgot to be mad. Suddenly I forgot about everything and I started up! It was short-lived... but it was a start! The joy in my owner's heart was apparent on his face. He tried once more and got me to start up and stay running, if only a little. He could tell there was still lots to be done, but at least there was hope.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Since then, we've been taking it day-by-day. I tell him what's wrong, he tells me what he can do and keeps to his promises. I may not look like much, but it doesn't matter to my owner... my friend. Together, we're putting the pieces back together... until the day we're racing down the road again in search of adventure. Regardless of what we've done to each other, we're working together now. And that's the way it will stay.</span><br /><br /><br /></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10823780547128767796noreply@blogger.com0