The Complete Idiot's Guide to Self-Realization

It Ends Today

2011-06-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

All the conflict, all the worry, all the fighting, all the dissenting voices in my head. It all stops today. Today I learn the biggest lesson, finally. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired to trying to get my way and never getting anywhere with it. I'm tired of hoping someone will understand an try to compromise. I'm tired of people trying to tell me how to fix some part of my life when they don't really know what's wrong in the first place... and won't bother to actually look to see what it is that's wrong.

So today, I resolved to end it all. It will no longer be a concern for anyone. No one will have to hear me complain ever again. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. My life, as it was, is over and now something new starts. I will no longer fight the forces that try to control me. I will simply pick one and give it control... and remove all the other forces in my life. I've picked which one it will be. Everyone else will rail at my choice, but it doesn't matter. At least the fighting will finally stop.

Holy Shit... an Entry!?

2010-09-04T19:33:00.001-07:00

Well what can I say... I couldn't stay away forever. :)

Life has been pretty busy, actually (obviously). My roommates decided to move out. Originally they had a plan that looked like it was going to work out pretty well for them, but if didn't work out (like most plans) and so they're living with one of the guys' mother. C'est la vie, non?

Now, I'm alone, again. I haven't lived alone in 7 years. It was 2003 when Rob and I got back together and bought a house. 2006, he and I split up for the last time and I moved in with Twink. 2008 I moved to Port St. Lucie with Sadao. He left at the beginning of this year, leaving John and Jeremiah... who left just a week ago tomorrow.

So... since I last posted, things have been busy. Now it's me and my cat Bishop ... and my new bunny, Dargo. I find I'm happy with it... but not... all at the same time. Regardless, there's not much I can do about it at the moment.

Work life is pretty good. It's been BUSY though. I've started making a plan of my own, but I'm keeping the details "loose" so the universe can't completely screw with it. Never put all your eggs in one basket... (unless all you have is one basket).

One bit of good news, I got started on hormones again. I can already feel them starting to do their magic, too. Kinda weird... it's been a few years now. But I'm glad I'm getting MY life back in order now instead of helping every one else. I guess it is time for me for a bit. I'm here until May... after that, I don't know what. I have some ideas, but as I already said... I'm not letting the universe know too much. It fucks with me more often than I would like.

I've been thinking about taking these notes, this journal of mine and committing them to a book for anyone who might want to be the maniacal ramblings of a 40 y/o tranny. I figure that if time is money and I'm spending my time writing it all down... I might as well try to get paid for it.

Yes, things are changing for miss Jenna. I'll probably be writing more. I've got a lot to do to this house before I can vacate. I have work to do on my car (or get a new one) and there are still adventures to be had. Getting there is the hard-work part. I always hate that part. But it does make one appreciate it that much more.

Anyway, this is just a quick note to update and remind anyone who might be paying attention that I'm still here.

Peace,
Jenna

Diligence! It's important (yeah, right)

2010-06-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

Okay... so every now and then I will click on a link (usually an ad) that piques my interest. This one said "Secret to Rapid Muscle Growth Discovered by Scientists." I was understandably curious. So I clicked on the link. I didn't think it was an ad at first.

I was directed to a site called Men's Best. It began discussing this safe alternative to steroids. It wasn't long before I realized this was an ad disguised as a men's health site. That's fine... as long as the information is credible. It was, in fact, giving a glowing review about a product called Force Factor that purportedly uses Nitric Oxide to boost muscle growth. I was reading with interest but at some point my brain went, "wait a minute... I don't know about that." Here is that point:

Nitric Oxide is produced naturally by your body when you work out, so you know it is safe.

Oh really? What if I replace the subject with Carbon Dioxide? Really? This is called the soft and sleazy sell. "Oh, well your body produces this for making your muscles work better and harder... so you know it's got to be good for you!"

So, my natural sense of diligence kicked in. Over to Wikipedia I went and guess what I read about Nitric Oxide? Oh stop guessing, here it is:

Nitric oxide (common name) or nitrogen monoxide (systematic name) is a chemical compound with chemical formula NO. This gas is an important signaling molecule in the body of mammals, including humans, and is an extremely important intermediate in the chemical industry. It is also an air pollutant produced by cigarette smoke, automobile engines and power plants.

NO is an important messenger molecule involved in many physiological and pathological processes within the mammalian body both beneficial and detrimental. Appropriate levels of NO production are important in protecting an organ such as the liver from ischemic damage. However sustained levels of NO production result in direct tissue toxicity and contribute to the vascular collapse associated with septic shock, whereas chronic expression of NO is associated with various carcinomas and inflammatory conditions including juvenile diabetes, multiple sclerosis, arthritis and ulcerative colitis.

Force Factor is apparently loaded with this stuff. Still thinking about trying it? But then... who do say is right? Maybe Wikipedia got it wrong. It's not impossible. Maybe there's more to this Nitric Oxide idea than meets the eye. My gut reaction was to the soft-sell, of course... the "Oh you know it's good for you because your body naturally produces it."

Please... stop patronizing us advertisers. Talk to us like people, damnit... not like children. If you're going to talk about something that can easily be researched via the largest collection of information of all time, give us ALL the information yourself... not just part of it. Those who have gone before me weren't afraid to call bullshit on something that didn't sound right... I'm not afraid either.

Really people... diligence is important.

Peace,
Jenna

Damaged

2010-05-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

I've not posted here in a while. Most of my internet addiction has been concentrated on Facebook lately... but I think I've finally kicked that habit.

Life has been an emotional roller-coaster ride lately all due to my interactions with one person. It's not been a fun ride, either. I like roller-coasters so perhaps I should give this a more appropriate metaphor... it's been more like torture.

It's important to be careful about who you trust in your life with any real information about you. Gender identity, daily activities, sexual identity don't count, in my opinion. We're sorta past these things and have accepted them about ourselves. Others who can't accept them ... well, that's their problem.

No, I'm talking about things you may have done that could REALLY come back to bite you in the ass. It's not even about trust, really. You can trust someone one minute and completely distrust them the next. The best litmus test, in my opinion, about whether or not someone is trustworthy is to see how they've handled some of their other past friends... and then make the determination as to whether or not they could (at some point) also do that to you.

This is practical advice, honestly. Of course, there's also the question as to why we even tell anyone our dirty little secrets at all. Maybe we secretly want to pay for our past "crimes" and are looking for someone to call us out on something we don't have the strength to bring out into the light ourselves. Regardless, one should be prepared for anything that might come from this.

Basically, right now, all this has left me so emotionally and mentally damaged I'm finding it very hard to trust anyone.... which is kinda shitty since that's all I really want out of life, honestly... someone I can trust with my secrets that won't leave... won't judge... and will stand by me through thick and thin. Someone who will help me find the strength to face my "crimes" and will, without a shadow of doubt, be there with me regardless of the outcome.

So far, still no luck with that. In fact, it keeps getting worse.

So, I have to clean my sheets myself. I have to deal with my past myself... without someone to talk to about them... without someone to encourage me and say, "it's okay, you'll make it ... and I'm not going anywhere."

Kinda sucks... but it's okay, I guess.

I'll write more about this past weekend later. Right now, I just needed to get all that off my chest.

Peace,
Jenna

How is that my problem?

2010-05-05T19:19:00.000-07:00

So it's been 5 months since I last wrote... that's a hot minute or two, isn't it? A lot has happened in my life, that's all I can really say... and yet nothing has really changed that much. Typical. It's the inevitable curse of the one who wants to know how all the magician's tricks work. They want to be the magician. Problem is... there's no-one left that wants to be mystified. It's an imbalance, you see.

Okay... this may ramble a bit, sorry... try to keep up (I'm struggling to write it so you should have to struggle to read it... I try to keep things fair).

What happens when all the wonder is gone? When there's nothing but cold hard facts and there's no mystery anymore, what do we have left to wonder about? Well, we can start to wonder why we were so curious in the first place and back track until we figure it out. But then we're right back where we started from... with nothing left to wonder about.

But that's not what I was going to write about... because I actually DO have something to wonder about, still. I wonder why it is that people don't see the obvious. I wonder why it is that people make stories about things rather than take them at face value. It strikes me very odd.

I have a friend who thinks that I think he's the reason for my happiness. He honestly believes that I've pinned all my hopes and dreams on him... yet we are not even in the same county, let alone the same city. I know for a fact that the things that bring me the most joy are the things that I will protect and pursue with great fervor. Like any other human on this planet... whatever it is that gives us that "high-on-life" feeling is what we will defend to the death.

Now I have, in the past, placed my hopes and dreams upon people. But I have also learned (the VERY hard and emotionally damaging way) that people are typically not worthy of my most prized possessions (i.e. my happiness). They'll run off with them. They have been consistent about it. Yet people still believe that I am "hung up" on the idea. Or at least, that's what they say. However, ever since the invention of lying and sarcasm I find it difficult to even believe what anyone says anymore either. True sensory experience is about the only thing that I can 100% believe in, anymore.

It boggles my brain to hear some of the crap I hear flowing from people's mouths day-in and day-out. I am actually quite a simple creature. I do not need a story to explain my existence. I do not have to assume ulterior motives for reasons certain people are in my life. I'm an excellent hunter gatherer. I am also not a half-bad nurturer-provider (if I do say so myself). But the primary reason that people are in my life is simply due to what I can hunt, gather and provide. If I weren't around, they would find someone else to provide for them (or do it themselves). It's simple economics and social patterns.

When people tire of what I provide, or if I place a price upon those provisions that is outside their comfort zone, they leave.

I'm also fairly certain that this same principle is part of what causes people to create the stories they create. My theory is that in order to justify themselves and their stance or position, they must continually point out the perceived inordinate price-tag of my provisions and attempt to invoke guilt within me to compensate and get a better price.

These emotional rapists are everywhere. It makes me wonder if I'll ever find a true equal at all ... and if I do, what would be the point of us showing affection toward each other as we would both consider it to be fake by this point.

My brain hurts. What really hurts is that I have, occasionally, found people with whom I could just let my hair down... and when I do, they run away with the aforementioned prized possessions. It's a catch 22. In order to achieve the peace of mind I so desire, I need to be able to let my guard down and be completely vulnerable with another human being... but the very reason my guard is up is that people always disappoint me when my guard is down... which is what I wanted in the first place. It would seem to follow that all I really want is to get hurt... when I don't... not really.

Eh... I'm tired ... both tired physically and tired of this subject. So, I'm out.

Peace,
Jenna

deep contented sigh

2009-12-18T06:38:00.000-08:00

I posted this as a response on another blog I read... and I was so struck by what I had written (apparently completely channeling the infinite) that I chose to repost here. I hope you like it.

Relax. Breathe Deep. Let it out slow.

Isn't it a beautiful day today? I love the way atmosphere and celestial bodies create a canopy of amazing colors and shapes in completely unique arrangements every day and night. Nature changes and change is natural. It is how things work and it is beautiful.

When we get caught up in consistency we become annoyed and irritated at the stagnant repetition... like a scratched vinyl record, skipping back and repeating the same thing every time.

You wonder about fluidity and connectedness, it's all around us, all the time, everywhere. Perhaps not all the time with all the same people in the same situations... but that is natural and purposeful.

Humans are, among other things, pattern recognition machines. Ascribing purpose, reason and meaning to those patterns is part of our nature. When those patterns change or disappear altogether, we are either delighted or mournful based on how meaningful and personally fulfilling the pattern was in our own lives. Seeing past that and viewing the fluidity is seeing the greater good. It's being able to see that if your hands are filled with one thing, you will have no room to accept the gifts coming your way without dropping something you didn't REALLY want in the first place... or something that no longer meant as much as it did. One step further than that is realizing that holding on even for a moment is just as futile.

We can cling to the one with closed fist... or experience the infinite with an open hand.

So relax and let the fluidity you seek wash over you, around you and experience it all without judgment, meaning or requirement. Surround yourself with people willing and desiring to experience life the same way. Entreat others to join you as well, without reproach if they choose to go back to being clingy... for that is the nature of change too.

Peace,
Jenna

Ever get that feeling...

2009-12-15T13:24:00.001-08:00

... that the people you know just don't know what they want? *sigh*

Missing

2009-11-23T06:18:00.000-08:00

The Carrot or the Stick

2009-11-19T10:57:00.000-08:00

You've heard the expression ... It means that in order to motivate someone you either offer them a carrot if they do what you want... or you hit them with a stick until they do what you want. It's used with donkeys (jack-asses) since they're so stubborn.

Reasonable way of getting what you want, right?

Not really. Actually, it's kinda lame. If you have to put that much energy into getting someone or something to do what you want them or it to do... is it really worth it after all? I guess that depends on what you're hoping to gain ... it also depends on whether or not all you have is a donkey to do the work.

There's all kinds of work that this can be applied to: Housework, homework, career work, yard work. There's one place where this concept is just NEVER appropriate... AT ALL. When someone's feeling down.

You can't fix that. You can't change it. You can't make it better. They have to do it on their own. People know this... and that's when the temptation comes in to MAKE them do it on their own. (What a concept!) "Look at that shiny carrot! All you gotta do is stop feeling this way!" or "Sheese! Why do you have to feel this way all time? You need to stop and deal with it and make your life better or no one will ever want to be around you!"

Although these statements are true... truth is not a substitute for faith... and depression is caused by loss of faith.

If I'm feeling down about something, you can beat me up all day telling me about what I need to do... it doesn't help. It doesn't make one bit of difference. If the light is off, and I want it on... I have to turn it on. I have to change it. Telling me what will happen if I do or do not turn the light on will not change a damned thing.

So what CAN you do here? Help to rebuild the faith. Help restore that which was lost. If I'm depressed, CHEER ME UP. Don't point out the sores on my soul and tell me I need to do something about them. They will heal over time. It would be better to not do anything rather than sit there and point them out to me. I know they're there... you don't have to remind me!

I see it a lot. I see people that try to help, to intercede and provide solace and comfort. This doesn't help unless the person is absolutely and completely exhausted. The trainer doesn't comfort and coddle the boxer between rounds. He doesn't offer to fight the fight for the boxer. He pats the boxer on the back, builds up his confidence and sends him back out there to fight his fight.

Now, this can get more complicated if you're part of the reason the person is depressed. There's REALLY nothing you can do at that point... except to live your life and SHOW how much fun it is to "turn the light on."

Now this NEXT part is really sickening... and yeah... it DOES happen... and ANYONE who tries to deny it in their own life is lying to themselves and everyone else:

Someone holding a grudge will keep holding that grudge until the person they're holding a grudge about is completely out of the picture. Then, and only then, will they drop it. It's sickening! It happens! I do it! You do it! Why? We've been hurt... whether it was intended or not, we got hurt and attached a name to it.

But why hold the grudge? To SHOW the person that we're hurt! To appeal to their compassion and reel them in for comfort or accusation (or an odd combination of both). Letting GO of that grudge is WICKED HARD to do. But there's no way you can pry their fingers from it. It's not possible.

So... while you're having fun and trying to SHOW your depressed friend how much fun life is, they're going to hold on to that grudge until the weight becomes unbearable even for themselves. Your faith in their ability to survive and to kick that survival instinct into gear has to be strong enough to overcome your empathy for them. You're doing them a favor whether it feels like it or not.

"What if what I'm doing is causing pain for my depressed friend even though it's not intended?"

There's a choice to be made here. Either you stop doing whatever it is that depresses them, or you do it away from them until they can get used to your behavior. Personally, I think the second option is better. The first option shows that you're willing to give in and that you're less important than they are. The second option shows respect for the other persons feelings yet doesn't compromise your own beliefs. If there was love there before, it will overcome any obstacles.

There's an inherent danger in the second option though... you can become just as needy and demanding as your depressed friend. Making them meet you on your terms is no better than them making you meet them on their terms. You have to each come half-way... or not at all... if it's going to work.

Well, I've rambled enough about this. To wrap it up... you can be sympathetic... just don't forget that you can't be sympathetic without being pathetic first.

(Long way to go for a joke? You decide ... maybe it was a joke... maybe it wasn't).

Peace,
Jenna

Yes, No, NULL

2009-10-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

There's a concept in computer programing that, despite people's claims to the contrary, actually does translate to human interaction. Booleans.

A boolean is a type of variable. A variable is something that can have a value or no value. It's basically a label for something else. For instance. I see something that no-one has ever seen before. It exists by all means of physical measurement (sight, sound, touch, etc) but it has yet to be categorized. It requires a label... something that describes it. We use labels ALL the time. Human, Dog, Wheelbarrow, Tissue, Cassette, Bumblebee, etc. NOUNS!

Regardless, it's just a label used to describe something. That is a variable. It's a label that's used to describe SOMETHING.

Now, variables come in all types. Types are yet ANOTHER label. It's something to further describe that thing we're trying to desribe. There are String Variables which means that whatever the variable is pointing at is made up of characters like letters, numbers, punctuation marks, etc. There are Integer Variables which means that what the variable is pointing at is a whole number within a certain range.

Then there are Boolean Variables. Boolean Variables mean that what the variable is pointing at is either a Yes or a No, a True or a False, a 1 or a 0.

Now... I want to get back to something that I said at the beginning of the second paragraph. A variable is something that can have a value ... or no value.

Yup, EVERYTHING can have NO VALUE. If you think of a variable like a box, the box may be specifically designed to hold something. But it could be holding NOTHING. This means that the contents of that box haven't been filled yet.

Now... boolean variables are like yes/no questions.

"Do you love me?"
"Are you going to come back?"
"Are we going to keep acting like this?"

These are yes/no questions at their root... the answer is whatever the variable (or question) is pointing to. The problem is that even though it can only be Yes or No... it can also be NULL. Meaning, there is no answer yet.

Assumption #1: NULL means YES. This is obviously not the case even though it's been burned into our brains for so long. Consider the following latin phrase often used in law: Qui tacet consentire videtur which translates to "He who is silent is understood to consent" or "You're not defending yourself or disagreeing or providing any proof to the contrary so you must be agreeing with what I said."

This is crap.

Assumption #2: NULL means NO. This is obviously just as fallacious as the first. However, this the next step in human reasoning. It goes like this: If NULL doesn't mean yes... and Booleans can only have a value of Yes or No, NULL must mean No.

This, too, is crap.

NULL simply means, I don't know yet. I know what TYPE of answer belongs here, but I don't know WHICH answer belongs here yet.

These questions are ALSO based on states. And those states are always in flux.

"Is there someone named 'Fancy Mr. Stinkyteets' on this planet?"

Can you really answer that question with a Yes or No answer? Probably not without researching it, verifying it and proving it. Even then, considering the nature of change on this planet, can you ever come up with a 100% verifiable answer of "No?" "Well, there WAS... but he died yesterday... but there might be another somewhere, or someone I asked before might have changed their name by now."

"Is there a dinosaur in my back yard?"

When asked during the Jurassic period, the answer to that could be Yes. Today, more than likely that would be No.

"So what's all the hubbub about anyway? Why go through all this? You're boring me already!" ... Right?

If someone says, "I don't know" don't make the mistakes I did by assuming this answer to be synonymous with True or False. Accept that True and False are simply concepts that help us determine actions. Accept that "I don't know" (or NULL) is simply something to indicate that action is required before an answer can be given.

Also, don't be afraid of True, False or NULL. They've existed since time immortal and will continue to exist even after we are dead and buried. Understand how these concepts play out in our lives to adjust our emotions, actions and motivations.

So... if you're struggling today... trying to figure out the answer to a question whose answer you KNOW is NULL at the moment, don't fret and don't worry about it. It may be YOUR question... but it's not YOUR answer. The answer will be there eventually.

Peace,
Jenna

Interesting Idea... Still Full of Crap

2009-10-13T08:48:00.000-07:00

My mother is one of my readers here. I'm not sure how many others are reading (I know there's a couple of you out there though) but this is an interesting letter she forwarded to me. It's a story that claims to prove the existence of God even with so much pain and suffering in the world. It goes like this:

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: 'I don't believe that God exists..'

'Why do you say that?' asked the customer.

'Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain! I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.'

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber 'You know what? Barbers do not exist.'

'How can you say that?' asked the surprised barber. 'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!'

'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside!'

'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me.'

'Exactly!' affirmed the customer. 'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'

Here's what I wrote back:

Cute, mom. Although the logic suffers. It's similar to what's called casual correlation. In Latin the phrase is "Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc" which translates as "after this, therefore because of this."

It's the belief that since Event B occurred after Event A occurred, Event B must have happened BECAUSE of Event A. The man's long hair and beard doesn't mean he didn't go to a barber. It means his hair grew naturally without interference from outside influences. It is conceivable that he went to a barber and was refused treatment. Perhaps he didn't smell right, look right, didn't have enough money, whatever. There are plenty of possibilities.

This is where words and logic fail to describe concepts like God and Love.

It's a beautiful notion that all one has to do is go to a Barber and ask for a haircut... and that just by asking they will receive one. But realistically, that doesn't work. Of course, the barber's original statement about God not existing was fallacious too. His concept of God did not fit into the reality he lives in and therefore "disproved" the existence of God. The only thing he disproved, however, was his idea of God. Proving or disproving a metaphysical concept based on physical results is something only we humans do. But it helps us sleep at night. :)

Regardless... *I* Love you and always will. :)

And I do love you, Mom. Proud to say it to the world, too. :)

Reason, Season, Lifetime, Bullshit

2009-10-12T05:54:00.000-07:00

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

That is ALL CRAP by the way. Complete and utter bullshit. It's poetry. It was someone's way of categorizing people and putting them in little boxes. It's VERY VERY self-centered. And it cuts like a knife when someone uses it against you in a "positive life-affirming way.

This isn't the first time I've been given this lecture either. I'm getting kinda tired of this easy-out shit, personally. Especially from people who promise to be there with me for the long haul. It's no wonder I've never taken vows. I've yet to find anyone who can seriously agree to stick with me through good times and bad, through rich or poor, in sickness and health, til death do we part. Mind you, this is just as much crap as the other. More words used to define shit and make up something to believe in. It's not real, at least not for me. It's not happened yet and it's pissing me off. Can you tell?

Again, it seems that once we identify something, it stops being what we identified it to be and chooses to be something else. Why can't I find someone where it's just natural. Where there's no need to define it, describe it, identify it, label it, record it, pigeon-hole it, whatever to it? I'm over it! If you're trying to figure out life, you're working too hard and wasting precious time!

With that said, I'm going to get some work done.

The Nature of Hell

2009-09-30T05:17:00.000-07:00

A long time ago (not in a galaxy far, far away, though), I came up with my defintion of Hell. Some people take literal meanings from the Bible and other sources, etc. For me, I found myself thinking logically (as I tend to do... ones and zeros and all that), and I came up with the following concept:

Hell indicates the lack of God's presence. However, someone who never knew God in the first place, would never be able to distinguish Hell from anything else since they would have no basis for comparison. Therefore Hell would have no meaning to them. Unlike physical things, conceptual ideas like hell are representative and therefore must have a meaning to exist. Without meaning, they can not exist. Physical things can exist without meaning, Metaphysical things can not. Therefore, in order for Hell to exist, there must be the absence of God ... with the knowledge of God.

When I posited that last sentence in my brain, all those years ago, I felt a chill. It's basically the concept of loss at the grandest scale possible. People become very irritated, angry or depressed when they lose something. The comedian Louis CK had a bit on that:

"I was on an airplane and there was internet, there was high-speed internet on the airplane. That's the newest thing that I know exists. And I'm sitting on the plane and they say, 'Open up your laptops, you can go on the internet' and it's fast, I'm watching YouTube clips, it's ama-I'm on an airplane. And then it breaks down and they apologize, 'The internet's not working.' The guy next to me goes 'Pshhht. This is bullshit.' Like how quickly the world owes him something ... he knew existed only 10 seconds ago."

Louis's comments are obviously meant to make light of this phenomena, but it's true and the phenomena is in full force today... and it affects us all... not one of us is immune... and you know it.

Now, if we take my original description above and add to it the given "God is Love," it suddenly becomes much more poignant an relevant. Hell is the absence of Love, with the knowledge of Love. Suddenly it's more accessible to people. Suddenly we can see the self-made hell's we put ourselves through EVERY DAY without knowing it. Little things like, "My computer stopped working" to bigger things like "My car stopped working" to bigger things like "My kid won't listen" to bigger things like "My best friend did something I don't like" to bigger things and bigger things and bigger things until we have created hell for ourselves here on Earth rather than stay present in the Love that exists in Time and Eternity.

I am not a doctor. I can't tell you what's going on in my body right now, if something is going to stop suddenly, or if I'm going to live to be 100. I'm not a mechanic. I can't tell you if my car will start when I want to leave work or if it will run without incident for 10 more years. I'm not a mind-reader. I can't tell if you're ready to walk out the door and never look back, or stay with me until I draw my last breath. I'm a software developer, and I still can't even tell you whether the code I write today will conflict with something else on your system or if it will run through time immortal.

So what do I know? I know the difference between Love and the absence of Love. I understand the nature of hell very well, having put myself there many times. I choose to live my life in Love, with Love and for Love. I ask that you join me in that... but I will not force you.

Peace,
Jenna

Exhausted

2009-09-21T11:41:00.000-07:00

I'm mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained today.

God save me (and others) from myself today because right now, I don't give a damn.

Go Pomo!

2009-09-17T09:01:00.000-07:00

I've looked into this before and it intrigued me... but for the sake of what I thought was true love, I strayed. Now I understand why I thought as I did and that it was true, at least for me... but without reciprocated activity, felt it was not. Lost yet? Yeah, I'm good at that.

Okay. So there's all these labels out there for race, age, sexuality, gender, religion, faith, education, relationship status, etc. etc. etc. They are all used to describe and qualify us so we actually have some way to communicate with each other via these senses of ours.

Yet society manages, unerringly mind you, to take these nouns, these labels, and create complete sub-cultures based on them. This creates divisions among us and sometimes causes hurt feelings, breakups, fights and even full-scale wars. In my opinion, this is a less than desirable outcome of social interaction. But what's the primary thing? What's the root? Where does it stem from? Well, I may be incorrect, uneducated or mis-informed here... but I think it's gender. It would seem to be the very first system of classification and division (aside, perhaps, from family, phylum and class divisions... I'm mainly examining human interaction at this time).

From gender, I believe all other things sprang. It's evident within every historical account, myth and legend that currently exists in our cultures today. Binary. 1s and 0s. Ons and Offs. Darks and Lights. Positives and Negatives. Females and Males. Goods and Evils. TWO! Two is the root of it all. Yet we strive, each in our own way, to achieve oneness. It's this crazy struggle that we keep coming close to and even achieve for brief moments (in our own perception) only to return to the struggle.

From Two came Four, Eight, Sixteen, etc. We have more combinations of labels for people now than ever before and we couldn't be happier/sadder about it. So what, you ask? Well, here's what.

What if we threw all that away? Well, not completely. There are certain aspects of life that can't be denied. Genital configuration. Pigmentation tone. Sexual attraction. Etc. These things (among others) just exist without our knowledge of why... and we accept them for what they are ... descriptive nouns. BUT THAT SHOULD BE ALL WE ACCEPT THEM FOR!

Enter the idea of Post Modern Sexuality or POMO! Yes, I believe in this stuff WHOLE-HEARTEDLY. So far, it's the only thing that makes sense. It says, "Fine, label me. But don't put me in a camp for all those labeled that way... I'd like to play too, dammit." Let me show you some videos that might help:

Does that help? See, nothing matters at the end anyway... at least none of this stuff that we choose to fight about. So why fight at all? Love is Love. Let it be in your life... and stop the hate if you can. Then maybe we can finally get out of this world of TWO once and for all!

Peace,
Jenna

Confusion is Nothing New

2009-09-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

It's part of a line from Cyndi Lauper's song "Time After Time." The full line is "Caught up in Circles, Confusion is Nothing New." Those words ring so true in my heart right now.

I left Eric's house about an hour ago. Came back to Mom's and checked e-mail and facebook and such. But since I left, the thoughts running through my head have been simply crazy and confusing. This week has been good, but also bittersweet. I have had a wonderful vacation but I can feel the turmoil starting to creep back in as I think about returning to Florida.

I would love nothing more than to throw caution to the wind, sell all my worldly possessions (or at least most of them) and return home. But there are some things I just can't quite get to coalesce in my mind just yet.

My love for those in Florida (one in particular) tethers me there, somewhat. However, that tether is frayed and could snap at any moment. My love for my friends and family in Indiana is strong, however it is also a frail bond thanks to almost 18 years of absence. Things simply aren't the same and I can't expect them to be... nor would I really want them to be, at least, not exactly.

I know how I'd like things to work, however that dream is far from being reality any time soon. If I were able to transplant one part of my life to another part of my life, things might work... but I might as well ask for a free trip to the Sea of Tranquility as well. It's not bloody likely.

I'm good, real good, at making things sound easy. I'm sometimes even good at making them that easy ... or at least making them look that way. But in truth, it never is as easy as I make it out to be. It's one of those times where I can't pick the lesser of two evils or the greater of two goods... it's one of those "choose" moments... not decision moments.

I must make this choice within 48 hours, too, and then stay focused on that choice. It's good, in a way... it gives me something I've been lacking in my life for a long time now... a goal. I'm almost ready to face that choice. A good night's sleep should help.

I pray that the Spirit descends upon me in my sleep, clears the confusion and lights a path I can follow.

Peace,
Jenna

So... Why?

2009-09-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

As near as I can figure at this point... the reason is "because life is pretty long for most people."

Ahh... but what was the question? You can pretty much put any 'why' question in front of that. Why should I go to work? Why should I get married? Why should I have kids? Why should I believe in God? Why should I go to the movies? Why should I ask that cute boy/girl to dance?

Look: Our minds play tricks on us all the time. To quote George Carlin, "Ever stand back far enough away from a chain length fence that when you stare at it, all of a sudden it looks like it's right in front of you?" In my own personal experience, have you ever sat at a railroad crossing, watching a train go by, and suddenly think the train is standing still and the world is moving instead?

So there are questions we have. When I tell people about my past, I hear "why" a lot. I have no friggin' idear, honestly. It made sense at the time... now maybe not so much. Then again, maybe it does... it still helps pass the time!

What we're REALLY looking for is that perpetual high. Don't deny it. Whether or not you've used drugs is immaterial here. It's the high of living. That feeling of accomplishment, success, forward progress, momentum, dreams and goals realized and all that comes with them. That shit is ADDICTIVE!

Who WOULDN'T want that?! So why do so many people deny it from themselves? Opportunities become challenges or requirements instead of the other way around. That's insane! It's staring at the half-empty glass of cold beer and letting it get warm because it's only half.

Mid-Life Crisis? Yeah, I think so. In this case, instead of full or empty... it's "only" or "already." Only Half-Lived... or Already Half-Lived. "My life is only half-over... I've still got a LOT to do!" or "My life is already half-over and where has it gotten me, really?"

Actually, strike that... it's not only a mid-life crisis... it's a complete life crisis.

Some people are downers ... while others are uppers. I'm usually an upper but I've had my moments of being a downer. I know exactly when and why these moments have occurred. Fortunately, knowing that, I can take steps to reduce their frequency (and that statement alone firmly places me in the upper category).

Pehaps this sounds like me tooting my own horn... and if you're thinking that.... you're right and I can't change your mind... nor will I try. For that's one of the things that can cause one of those aforementioned "moment" to occur.

So... enjoy your life... or hate it. It's your choice. I've made mine. Why? Because it's a long damned time. :)

Peace,
Jenna

A story for you

2009-08-24T10:43:00.000-07:00

Okay... Ever have one of those moments where you just suddenly start creating and you can't stop? Writing, singing, composing, building, whatever. This just happened to me here. This is an inspired story but I'm not going to say what inspired it. As you will see, it's not finished. But hopefully some day, it will be... and hopefully it will have a happy ending.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What? Why are you looking at me like that? I see you looking at all the dents in my body, the dirt on my wheels, the torn-up upholstery, the broken tail-light. Yeah, I see you noticing it all. I supposed you want my story, eh? Fine.

I was beautiful once. A brand new candy-apple red mustang convertible. All the other cars sat on the lot staring at me with envy. I was beautiful, fast, and powerful. I was in the prime of my life! One day, I met my owner-to-be. Oh he was good-looking and I knew he'd look good riding around with his hands on my steering wheel. I could tell, just by looking at him, that he knew exactly how to handle me too. He would take me to all the rights places where I would get fawned over and treated like a celebrity! Boy was I ever right!

We went everywhere together. He took me to work where I sat outside and mocked all his co-workers' cars. He took me to parties with his friends and introduced me all around. Everyone loved me. We went to the beach and even to a red-carpet event. We had a blast together.

He took good care of me to start with. Regular checkups and oil changes. Bought me new wheels, even sprung for an upgrade or two. But he didn't always pay attention to everything. Like when my brakes went out the first time. Sure, I squealed about it for a while first. But he had other things to think about... or so he said. He would rub my dash and say, "I know, baby. I just gotta take care of other things right now like the rent and groceries. Times are tough and I'm doin' good to keep you gassed up and your oil changed! But I promise it won't be like this forever." And he was right.

I remember when my brakes gave out. I just couldn't take it anymore and snapped. Next thing you know, BAM! we were in an accident. My side still hurts from just thinking about it. I felt bad about it. But there was nothing I could do about it! My owner, boy was he pissed! He starting screaming and yelling. He even kicked me a couple of times!

Things got steadily worse. He took me in to get me fixed up, but I could tell he wasn't happy about it. His mood and manners were completely different after that. We weren't the happy couple any more. It was almost a chore for him after that. When we would go for a tune-up or for an oil-change, he would bitch about how much I was costing him instead of being happy that we were still together.

More things began to happen. My electronics for the convertible top gave out in a rain-storm. Vandals ripped holes in my seats. It was "one thing after another" as he would say. I said it too, but it never seemed to matter. He couldn't get it out of his head.

One day he drove off with a friend of his in another car. When he came back, he was driving another car! This one was DEFINITELY not me. It was younger than me... but not as flashy, not as sporty and not as good as me... and we both knew it. My owner called it his "daily driver" car. Said he needed something to drive back and forth to work that was reliable. He said that this was so he could wait and spend more time and money on me without me getting any worse for the wear. I was skeptical about it, though. He never had any problems with driving me around before. Why wouldn't he just spend that time with me instead?

Time went by. He kept looking at me longingly, with love and regret in his eyes, but then he would just go off with that younger, uglier, so-not-me car. Every time he would look at me, I'd get a small thrill that maybe today was the day. Maybe today would be the day he would say, "Okay, let's go and get all that taken care of." I kept hoping and waiting.

Finally, one day, he came out to the garage. I looked at him dejectedly, expecting him to give me pat on the head again and go right out to that whore in the drive-way. But he didn't! He had MY key in his hands! He opened my door and sat down. I can't tell you how wonderful that felt... but there was something different this time. He had a paper in his hands. I couldn't tell what it was but it wasn't something he was happy about.

We took off. Headed back out onto the open road again! I was a bit rusty and so I coughed and sputtered a bit... but I was determined to make this work.. if he was really going to make this happen this time! I was so ready to see everything that was broken finally get fixed. Even the smallest thing would keep me going! As we were driving, I saw the repair shop up ahead and my heart skipped a beat. But then we drove past it! I tried to tell him that we missed our turn, but he wasn't listening.

Finally, we came to our destination. It was the first place we met. There I was, broken, ugly, worn-out... staring at all these other cars that were brand new and shiny. Suddenly I knew why we were here. It was over. He was getting ready to turn me in and drive away with a newer car... just like before. But this time, he'd still have his "daily-driver" car... and they would get all the benefits that I was supposed to have! I felt betrayed! I was heart-sick. I was ANGRY! What did I do to deserve this?!

He went inside and came out with a young man who worked there. He began inspecting me. I didn't like the way he looked at me. I knew he was just looking to see what he could get out of me. He had no respect for me at all. He popped my hood, checked everything there and then wrote down ALL of my faults on his clip-board. When he was done, he pulled out a calculator and quickly told my owner what I was worth. A mere fraction of what he paid for me.

My owner's face fell. He was hoping for more, I guess. It wasn't pretty. I didn't care. I had had enough lies by this point. While we were there, I popped one of my own springs. It scared them both... and the man with the clipboard told my owner a lower number. I felt good and smug. If this was how he was going to treat me, after all this time, fine.

But then something happened. Just as my owner was about to hand my key over to that pimply-faced kid with the calculator, he stopped. He had been distracted by something. It was the man who sold me to him in the first place. He came over and asked how we were doing. My owner began to tell him the story of our life together... as if it were a eulogy for me. As he talked about the places we had been and the fun we had had together, his eyes lit up like they did when those times were real. I could tell he was moved... but it was obvious that his mind was made up.

My owner finished his story and the man who sold me looked at him and said, "Seems a shame to get rid of something that means so much to you. This ol' gal has treated you the best she could, but no-body's perfect and nothin' lasts forever except the love we have in our hearts. When that goes, we truly are dead."

I'm not sure what happened next, or why... but my owner put my key back in his pocket. He thanked them both and he got back in me and left the lot. On the way back, he stopped at the repair shop. This was too much! After all that drama, NOW he decides to make things right? Why? So he could get a better price for me?! Now it was MY turn to be unhappy. I wasn't about to make this easy. There was more wrong than he could possibly know and I was going to make this expensive. If he didn't want me, I didn't want to be his either.

When we got home, he rubbed my dash again and said, "I'm going to make this right, no matter what it takes." Whatever. I didn't care. He was simply letting someone else change his mind *AGAIN* and I wasn't going to have any of it this time.

The repair bills started to stack up. He couldn't afford all that had to be done and maintain his lifestyle. I knew it was just a matter of time before we were back at the car lot. He was driving me a lot more, and I was falling apart a lot more. Every time something fell apart, we were back at the repair shop. I was so angry I didn't even notice that he wasn't paying any attention to that other car he had. I started to feel bad for it. It wasn't expecting any of this. This made me even more angry! I couldn't see straight I was so angry. Not only had he screwed me up, but now he was doing the same thing to another!

So I stopped working altogether, completely. He took me to every repair shop and no-one was able to figure out what the problem was. He even started tinkering with me himself, but couldn't find the problem. He didn't know I was intentionally making it hard for him to find. It was going to take a miracle to get me going again. It hurt, believe me. All I ever wanted was to have the good ole' days back again. But it got so screwed up! As much as I wanted for things to be the way they were, I couldn't do that at the price of the other car. I just couldn't do it. I said "Fine, he wins." For months I just sat there, gathering dust. It seemed like an eternity. But at least the other car was getting what it needed. I took heart in knowing that I averted that loss.

This was when my owner did a miraculous thing. Beyond what I ever expected. He woke up early and pushed me outside. He washed me, cleaned me up and did the same for the other car. Just as he was finishing up, a man showed up at the house with his son. They began looking at us, the other car and I. My owner was talking up the other car... singing it's praises up one side and down the other. Telling them how happy he was with it and how good of a daily driver car it had been. I was ambivalent. I just sat there hoping a bird would come and shit on me... or better yet shit on him.

The young man was looking hard at me. I recognized that look. It was the same look I saw in my owner all those years ago. Then when he couldn't stand it anymore he asked my owner, "Well, how much for your other car?"

I thought, well, here it comes. Finally after all this time... freedom! My owner said to the boy, "Young man, she's not for sale. You see, she's been with me for a long time. We've been through many good times and bad times together. I made a promise to her a long time ago and I intend to keep that promise."

The boy was upset, but he looked like he understood. It was the first kind words I'd heard from him in a long time. I didn't know what to make of it. The older man looked over the other car and was pleased. He gave my owner some money and he handed them the key to the other car. They left together, leaving me alone with my owner in the front lawn.

He pushed me back into the garage, turned the lights out and said, "See you tomorrow."

The next day, my owner brought home a part for me. As he began to work he said, "This is for you. It's all I have left and it's everything I have. I hope this works, because I miss you. But if it doesn't, I'll take the bus, ride a bike or carpool with someone else if I have to. I'll keep saving money and keep trying things until I replace every part, if necessary. I spent a lot of time and energy doing other things and not enough time taking care of you. I'm sorry, my friend."

My friend. Those words struck me. He had never called me that before. I was his baby, he was my owner. We knew our places. If I didn't run right, it was my fault because I was imperfect. He could fix anything with money and time. I was to serve him. But during the best of our times together, it never felt like I was property. We moved together as one. We completed each other. We were friends during those times without saying it.

He put the key in the chamber and turned it. I sputtered and coughed and whined... but all the while my mind was reeling over those two words. Suddenly I forgot to be mad. Suddenly I forgot about everything and I started up! It was short-lived... but it was a start! The joy in my owner's heart was apparent on his face. He tried once more and got me to start up and stay running, if only a little. He could tell there was still lots to be done, but at least there was hope.

Since then, we've been taking it day-by-day. I tell him what's wrong, he tells me what he can do and keeps to his promises. I may not look like much, but it doesn't matter to my owner... my friend. Together, we're putting the pieces back together... until the day we're racing down the road again in search of adventure. Regardless of what we've done to each other, we're working together now. And that's the way it will stay.

Reasons and Excuses

2009-08-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

I got a message today from an old friend that explained why she was being so distant. It was because of the other people I hang out with. Oddly enough, she hasn't been around me for months now and therefore has no clue exactly who I hang out with, when or why.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not putting her down. I love and miss her VERY much. What I'm distressed about is the way we make excuses and provide reasons for what we do, who we love, etc. There's the element of guilt in there. People feel guilty for doing something or not doing something and then try to make up excuses for why they did or didn't do what they did or didn't do. Why? Obviously they wanted/didn't want to do what they did/didn't do. (is this getting confusing to you too? good... then let's just assume that not doing something is still doing something (even if it's something else) and stick to the "do" verb.)

Just say you didn't want to call. Just say you didn't want to write. Just say you had somewhere else you wanted to be. It's quicker. It's easier. It's honest. The more you try to "make it easier" the worse it gets when the truth finally comes out. You know what you want to do. You know where you want to be. You know who you want to hang out with. It's simple. Be honest and save us all some time, energy, pain, hurt feelings... DRAMA.

The situation I'm talking about has, of course, escalated and has once again dragged me away from what I should be doing... which is working. Obviously, if something like that can drag me away from working... and I'm complaining about it... the answer is pretty simple. I'm not happy where I'm at. If I were, nothing would drag me away from my happiness. No amount of drama could entice me into it's trap.

Blah.

It's simple.

Be Kind. Rewind.

Think about it.

Peace,
Jenna

Life Copies: 10 cents.

2009-08-11T08:15:00.000-07:00

In the past two years, six people that I have known personally have died, ranging from 19 years old to over 80 years old. On Saturday, it happened again.

My best friend in college, Eric Clem, died from a fatal heart attack in his home sometime between Friday and Saturday. His mother found him the next morning. I had traveled to Daytona Beach to go fishing with a friend who lives there. I had already caught one fish and was well into suppressing the demons that fight for my emotional state when I got the call.

Eric was the first one to have any success at breaking apart the shell I had created around myself. He taught me how to swear. I remember the conversation vividly as we walked across the campus grounds at Anderson University (also the International Camp Ground for the Church of God ministries).

Eric: "You wouldn't say shit with a mouth full of it! You'd say", in a muffled voice as if filled with excrement, "'Poo Poo!! I gaht poopoo ihn mah mawf!'"
Me: "So? What's the big deal?"
Eric: "So just say it! Say fuck just once."
Me: "No! Why should I?"
Eric: "Just say it!"
.
. (lots more protesting and antagonizing which eventually lead to)
.
Me: "Fine! FUCK!"
Eric: "See, now didn't that feel good?"
Me: "Actually, it did."

Eric was the only one of my friends from Indiana that I told about my desire to transition. He didn't understand, exactly... begged me to just accept being gay and that it was okay... but I wasn't ready for that level of understanding yet. I told him about it shortly before I left for Florida... 17 years ago.

Since then, I've been home a few times. The last time I saw Eric was last year when I went to see my brother David who was dying from esophageal cancer. Eric never changed himself or his love for his friends and family. He figured himself out a long time ago, and stuck with it. I loved him for it. I miss my friend terribly. But I am happy that he did not have to suffer a long battle with heart disease, too.

I've been spending a lot of time (almost 40 years now) trying to figure myself out. There were a few times when I thought I had it figured out... only to find out that I was wrong... and then only again to find out that I was wrong about being wrong.

I've been called a chameleon, a changeling, a copy-cat, a fake, all kinds of things... simply because I'm looking to find that which truly represents me; one simple persona that completely embodies me. I'm trying to be an individual in a world that both shuns and adores them. Yeah... I've been looking for my pigeon hole. Then I realized that I was trying too hard to be an individual and forgot to "just be."

ALL this crap swims around in my head all the time, believe it or not... and it gets tiring. But I have stumbled onto a beautiful truth about myself that makes perfect sense. I am the individual already. All the things I have "tried on" and been labeled a copy-cat for, ARE part of me. I have never stopped being myself, not ever.

Part of Eric lives within me now. Not in a creepy kinda parasite way, and certainly not in an offspring way (which is creepier than the parasite idea). The best of him, the parts that made me laugh and smile, continue to live in me to make others laugh and smile. How can I be sad for that? How can I allow myself to feel hated when I know now that part of my role is to continue to spread his love to others?

Perhaps there's not much "originality" in me. If that is the case, I accept it and embrace it. I will not complain to my creator that I was not created like everyone else. For in that, I have achieved my own individuality.

Miss you Eric... Mirab, with Sails Unfurled.

Love Always,
Jenna

No possessions, damnit.

2009-08-05T05:55:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I've been trying to buy love and friendship. It's true. It's not a happy thing for me to relate, but it's true. And it IS a happy thing to get off my chest, finally. I've either been truly blessed to have people in my life that would continue to hang around with me even though I've tried to buy them... or I'm being made a laughing stock since everyone else but me realized that the object of my desire was simply not something that can be bought... and the fact that I wasn't getting that was beyond humorous to those watching... it was preverse and frightening.

Sometimes I lean toward the former idea. It makes me feel a little better about those people. More often, though, I lean toward the latter idea... since someone who really cared for me wouldn't let me keep doing what I was doing... unless they knew I needed to see it for myself, no matter what the cost.

I woke up this morning and suddenly realized that I've NEVER been in that situation myself. I have never felt like someone was trying to own me, buy me, make me love them through gifts and offerings. I've never known what that's like. Apparently I'm not worth the price... no surprise there, eh? Why would someone want to spend that kind of time, money and effort on a self-centered bitch who doesn't really know how to give for the sake of giving? We only try to buy the things we WANT, not the things we don't want (unless that will get us what we want by proxy).

It's truly insidious! And it's nothing that I want to be a part of anymore! I don't care if my "perceived value" is low, anymore. Maybe I'm the diamond in the rough but even if I am, I still don't care. I understand why I love the movies and the TV shows that depict good people going through great odds to do the right thing and the shit-storm of life's events that occur in the process. It's because I've never had that experience myself. I've never been that guy. I've always been "that guy."

Understand, I'm not trying to beat myself up here or say that I am worthless. I am, but I'm not. It's confusing to try to explain. The funny thing is that this potential appears to be in ALL of us. Some of us are just better at seeing it, fighting it and dealing with it than others. You can lead the horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I just didn't realize I was the horse.

I am ready for the test, now. I know it's coming... and I don't know when it's coming or what form it will take. But I'm ready for it, finally. Keep praying though, because although my eyes are open, if it can happen once, it can happen again. The more I keep that in my head, the less prevalent it is to happen. Once we can see the demon, it keeps it's distance because we know it's there... but take our eyes off it long enough, it'll attack again.

Peace,
Jenna

Foster Partner

2009-07-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

Sounds awful, doesn't it? Yeah... pretty much. Of course, for me it's more like being the person running the partner orphanage. After all, foster parents eventually get to adopt, typically. In my case, it's more like they keep hanging out until they find the right one, then off they go... until the right one isn't right anymore, then they come back sometimes. It depends, of course, on whether or not I still have "room at the inn."

"Why can't you just accept that this is your role and be happy?"

Uhm... that's all fine and dandy... but it would be nicer to have someone running the business with me. *sigh*

I've known love. True unadulterated love. However in each case where this bliss has graced my life, it only lasted long enough for someone to really get to know me. Then it all went south.

There is good and bad in us all. Anyone who says differently is already showing their bad just with that very statement. Dan Savage of Savage Love states that there's a "price of admission" to every relationship. Is the price I'm asking really that high? Have I over-valued myself? It's not a question I can really answer, I know. That's something everyone has to look at and judge for themselves. But in the words of Jonathan Coulton:

"I quit... I'm done... cuz' I don't think it's gonna turn out okay It's.... no fair it's.... no fun... if everytime it's gonna end the same way... me: zero... big bag world: one."

That's pretty much my view on interpersonal love at this point. The song lyrics above were meant as a joke... but when you're the clown, it gets less and less funny every time you have to say the joke.

Yes, these thoughts are permeating my consciousness right now and keeping me from being productive... which is why I'm writing them down. I'm not expecting help (although that's what everyone wants to do) I'm just venting.

Why?

2009-07-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

It's 90 degrees outside with a heat index of 102. That means it FEELS like it's 102 degrees outside with the humidity and other factors in play.

At home... in Indiana... it's 71 degrees. With a heat index of ... 71 degrees!

Why the hell am I still here?

Trust... Can You?

2009-06-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

So... do you remember how it felt when you believed in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy? And do you remember th GREAT feeling you got when it was "true?" You put your trust in someone who told you, "If you do this, this will happen." Or maybe they said, "I will always do x or be y" And as long as they were never proved wrong (based on your required level of proof) everything was fine and dandy!

And then the lies begin to get discovered.

Santa didn't bring anything to that little girl. But she was always so nice! How could he not do that? I don't believe Santa does what he says he does.

Mamma told me that Santa actually doesn't exist. Well wait a minute... if that's the case, then my original hypothesis was false. I actually COULD trust Santa (if he existed) ... the person I can't trust is Mamma!

It gets worse as time goes by. This is especially true with the more comparisons we make over time. Whenever someone does something that reminds us of something someone else did, those neurons fire and we begin to doubt. Doubt is the lack of trust. You can NOT trust someone you doubt, period. It's impossible.

Now, as time goes by, the more crap that happens to you perpetrated by others, the less inclined you will be to believe that anyone new in your life will be any different. The level of proof you require gets higher and higher and higher until no-one could possibly provide enough evidence that they are what they say they are ... or that they will be what they say they will be.

This is a vicious and LONELY cycle. The only person you're satisfying with this attitude is yourself. Even though you're not satisfied with the status of things... and this is the kicker... at least you were right!

So how do you break this cycle? That's the one people have asked for years and years. Some people get it, while others never do. It's NOT EASY ... and yet it's simple. It doesn't require any self-help tapes. It doesn't require fame, fortune or power. It requires that you let go.

"Let go?! WTF does that mean?! Let go of what? I know what it means and I won't get hurt again!!"

That's NOT letting go. That's holding on.

Letting go means REALIZING that this new person in your life is NOT anyone else in your life currently or previously. It means forgiving those who hurt you before and loving them the same way you did before you found out about their broken promises. It means accepting yourself, and others, as we are... not as we think we should be. What is meant to be is meant to be.

Now does this mean let people walk over you? Of course not. It means state your expectations clearly and up-front and what the consequences are if those expectations are not met. It also means STICK TO YOUR GUNS. If someone breaks a rule, don't let the consequences slide! It also means that if you say something is okay, don't change your mind to say it's NOT okay later ... at least not without having a REALLY good reason for it.

Most of all... communicate. This is not easy with people who are of mixed levels of self-esteem. One will invariably, and often unintentionally, dominate the other. This does nothing but frustrate BOTH people.

If you're trying to rebuild trust with someone, be honest about what happened, first. If you were comparing them and judging them based on those comparisons, own up to it. Then forgive yourself for doing that. Finally, inform them that you acknowledge that they are not the person you compared them to and ask for their forgiveness.

From this point on, it may be possible to rebuild trust IF you state your expectations clearly. If someone is unable or unwilling to accept those expectations (whether they be limits or privileges), be honest about how you feel about the situation openly and clearly so that you can both work out the best thing to do for each other.

Now, I'm going to warn you... although this all sounds quite easy... it's not. There will be times in your life when you think "If I could just get you to see my point of view." That doesn't really happen with coercion. The only way that happens ... is through "magic." Yeah, I said it... magic. Because one moment you're not thinking the same... and suddenly the next moment you are. What made the difference? The difference is you didn't care whether they got you or not. Not in a "I don't care about you, you can get AIDS and die" type of way. An "I don't care" where you're not so focused as to force the other to see what you see.

I hope this made sense. I know I used a LOT of pronouns and any editor would probably have my head on a platter at this point. But I think I got the primary concept across.

Peace,
Jenna

Does anyone have a HAPPY story?

2009-06-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

Ok...

I have these RSS (Really Simple Syndication) feeds that I check with an RSS reader. What is a feed? It's sorta like a news source. My blog can be an RSS feed too. Anytime I update it, your RSS reader can inform you, "Yo, that tranny bitch updated her blog... here's what she wrote."

So, back to MY RSS feeds... I have several. Oh Gizmo!, MTV Movie News, I Can Has CheezeBurger, etc. I also have a couple of transgender news feeds. It brings me all sorts of news from the queer world (not just the gender-benders).

Today, I got a hit about a queer film festival and started reading through the offerings. In this list of literally dozens of short films, the ONLY transgender film posted was another sad tale... this one about the sorrows of being transgender in a strictly muslim society.

HELLO PEOPLE?! Where's the transsexual romantic comedy? Where's the story of 3 to 5 tranny friends that hang out together? Where's the uplifting story of the cross-dresser that fought to save the homeless? For all the bitching and moaning about how we gender-benders just want to be part of society, all we ever seem to produce is stories about how we don't fit into society.

Oh sure, there's stories about unwilling changes. Those that through some magical means end up the opposite to their own gender and have to deal with it. There are stories of those that use crossing gender lines as a way to get what they want, only to find out it's harder than it looks and end up learning a valuable lesson in the end. But these are not about trans people. They're about people who are chauvanistic assholes that need to learn about humanity.

Just once, I would love to see a story about a transsexual person that was truly uplifting and funny. Not contrived and forced into a hollywood genderqueer formula but one that really showed the human life from my view-point.

Yeah, I hear you in my head saying, "well... why don't YOU write it, dumb-ass." Well maybe I will.

I just wanted to bitch about it for a second, can you blame me? Of course you can. Ah spit. Alright, I guess I'll put this energy to use.

Peace,
Jenna

No shame in my game.

2009-06-18T06:38:00.000-07:00

This came across the wire in one of my RSS feeds today. Ole' Patty is up to her (err..) his old tricks again, feeding bullshit to the masses instead of mushrooms. It's no wonder all the Christians I know that agree with him have such sour-puss looks on their faces considering the "spiritual food" he give them is pretty sour.

Proud, Pat? Yes. Very. And, oddly enough, I'm even proud of you for never wavering in your stance or your beliefs either. We will always disagree and we will not be meeting in the here-and-now or the hereafter if things continue as they are. I believe in one-conditional love. That condition is the very condition it states. Nothing else. If you truly have love in your heart, Pat... you'll embrace ALL God's children, instruct them to love one another without reservation and do the same yourself, and leave the judgment calls to your creator.

I worry for you, Pat. Please don't walk down the road of righteousness. Try the road of humility, just once. It's a hard road, but nothing good is ever easy.

Memorial Day

2009-05-26T06:44:00.001-07:00

This past weekend was Memorial Day weekend. Memorial Day is one of those "remember our dead" days where those who established the holiday intended for us to join together in a spirit of thanks and celebration for the freedoms we have today at the cost of those who have fought to preserve them.

On Sunday, Sadao along with John and Jeremiah (friends from Melbourne) went to the Space Coast Pride event. It was the second annual event for that region and was covered by the local news. John took Sadao's pride flag (a rainbow flag with a Male & Male symbol in the upper-left-hand corner) with him and was "showing his colors" that day. Well guess what... he got in the paper. His picture on the front page. We saw this on Monday and were very excited and happy for him. We saw it online, though, since we live on the Treasure Coast.

In the online version, there were multiple comments about how wrong it was for people to wake up on Memorial Day and see a bunch of "Godless faggots" parading about on the day that was meant to honor our dead. The rants were amusing to me at the time because I find such bigotry so out-of-date and un-Christian that it's amazing to me that over 2000 years later there are still people who cling to a literal translation of a mythology rather than it's intended set of lessons.

Today, however, in my bevy of updates from around the internet, I saw this entry:

Remember Them As Soldiers

It made me pause and remember that there ARE those who have fought for their country and died who have been LGBTQ identified. I began to see yet another way to appeal to those who would bring hate down upon gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, transgendered and queers. We live here too! We fought for you too! Who knows? If some of those women that donned men's clothing so they could fight in the war had chosen a more "socially acceptable" path, it might have turned out for the worse! Maybe not, of course, but the possibility exists.

What's the point? The point is simple. You may think you're fighting for the right reason. But, in truth, there is never a good reason to fight. Fighting is a LAST RESORT ... which I pray never comes to fall upon the people of this Earth. Love is not possessive... neither is it controlling. It is accepting and freeing.

One day, I'm going to take all these little vignettes and put them in a book and sell them. If it changes JUST ONE person's heart from stone-cold to warm and loving, it will be worth more than anything I could make from the book.

Peace,
Jenna

Sans raison d'être

2009-05-19T00:52:00.000-07:00

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

Raison d'être is a phrase borrowed from French where it means simply "reason for being"; in English use, it also comes to suggest a degree of rationalization, as "The claimed reason for the existence of something or someone".

From Wiktionary, the free dictionary:

The claimed reason for the existence of something or someone; the purpose of something or someone.

Surfing became his raison d’être.

Everyone has one, or they wouldn't be alive on this planet right now. I'm not talking about some cosmic reason, I'm talking about a personal, realized reason. It's what keeps us going. It's the source of our happiness. It's what makes us tick. It's the most precious thing we have, really. It's something we want to share, yet it's something that if known (and taken away) can be devastating to life.

A kind, understanding and loving person will help you fulfill your raison d'être. Someone without those qualities will want to expose it in order to eliminate it.

My own raison d'être has changed many times. It's had to. I've either set my sights so low that I was able to fulfill it too quickly, or they were set so impossibly high that I couldn't figure out how to get there from here and gave up. It's a frightening thing to be without one, let me tell ya (although I probably don't need to tell ya).

It ties, pretty heavily, into another French phrase: Joie de vivre:

Joie de vivre (from the French joie, "joy"; de, "of"; vivre, "to live, living"; "the joy of living") is a term sometimes imported into English to express a cheerful enjoyment of life; an exultation of spirit. Joie de vivre, as one scholar has written,

"can be a joy of conversation, joy of eating, joy of anything one might do… And joie de vivre may be seen as a joy of everything, a comprehensive joy, a philosophy of life, a Weltanschauung. Robert's Dictionnaire says joie is sentiment exaltant ressenti par toute la conscience, that is, involves one's whole being."

In English common usage, the phrase is sometimes corrupted to joie de vie. This would translate to "joy of life" or "zest for life," rather than the more affirmative "joy of living." Joie de vive is another common spelling error.

Is it really all perception? How many times can one change their perception of life in order to keep going? I understand, now, why people have families and careers and such. It is their raison d'être and gives them joie de vivre. So where is mine? Where has it gone? I miss it.

Part of the problem is when one makes another person their reason to be. My mother warned me of this. I have fought dilliegenty to keep this from happening. However her suggestion seemed inadequte at the time. Her suggestion was to have God be my raison d'être. That's not an easy task for a being trapped in a physical realm. I have no physical, sensual experience of God. I can't see, hear, smell, touch or even taste God. I've been in situations where I've felt the "God experience" but based on the definition, I can't say that it's been real since it hasn't lasted.

If God is Love, and Love never fails, then God would never fail and never depart. I've experienced many things, in every tactile sense I mentioned before, that has brought me to that "God experience." But every time it fades I'm reminded that it's simply the dopamine/serotonin rush that I'm feeling and not really God. Why wasn't it God? It didn't last, that's why.

I'm fighting depression. Depression brought on by loss. How does one live without a raison d'être after having one for so long? How does one simply change their raison d'être again... especially after they've already had to change it over and over and over again? The first question is more to the point, really. Living without one. That's a toughie. Without that... why get out of bed? Why go to work? Why bother eating, dressing, cleaning the house, making the beds, doing the chores of what's necessary in life? I understand now how addictions are formed... they fulfill someone's need for a raison d'être ... often without a true joie de vivre.

Even now, I can feel my spirits lifting just discussing this. It seems that the very quest, the very nature of my search is often part and parcel to my raison d'être yet brings me little joy. Just enough to get me through this post, probably. Are we all just dopamine junkies?

I posted this picture on Sadao's Myspace account a few days ago:

It REALLY made me laugh! I posted it with "Who do these two cats remind you of?" See, the top one reminds me of me... while the bottom one reminds me of him. I envy that simple, child-like view he has, the ability to amuse himself (and others) in any situation. I only envy it, of course, because I used to possess that ability myself. It was when my raison d'être WAS the joie de vivre. Is there a way to get back there without going back in time? Is there a way to push through this depression without falling back upon mythology that doesn't manifest itself in the physical world? If there is, I must find it ... or I fear my raison d'être will completely cease to exist. I know what this means, ironically. It means losing "everything" again... in order to find eternity. Death to old ways, Birth to new ones.

This post may have left you feeling bad for me. Don't let that happen! This is just my mental toilet time, I guess. I hope that someday I can be someone that others will look up to for inspiration, knowledge and wisdom. Having just said that, I know that experience must occur first. So, I best get started experiencing things.

Peace,
Jenna

Sleepy today

2009-05-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

Blah... okay... well, I spent some time updating this with all my old LiveJournal entries, Myspace Blog entries, and stuff from a website I developed and operated about a million years ago called "iamjenna.com" (I still own the domain but I haven't done anything with it since 2003).

That took a while! Is that why I'm sleepy? Naw... I'm sleepy because I'm back into Baldur's Gate (an 11 year old game that still makes me smile and still runs! today). Gonna do my best to actually FINISH the game this time.

Now I'm freakin' sleepy with 3 hours and 40 minutes left to go in the day.

My office has started using this thing called Yammer which is basically Twitter for businesses (speaking of which, I can now Tweet from my mobile phone to Twitter to Facebook... apparently MySpace isn't quite that advanced) ... so now I have to "yap" about what I'm doing every 15 minutes or so... or someone will wonder what I'm doing. ... ... ... ?!?!?!??

Mind you, they're right in wondering since at this very moment I'm writing in my blog rather than "yapping" on "yammer" about what I'm doing. Apparently my fingers, being an extension of myself, also can not be in more than one place at the same time.

Anyway... this is just a quick update so I don't forget that I exist... if you know what I mean.

Peace,
Jenna

La la la

2009-05-13T04:11:00.000-07:00

Good morning...

It's 7:12 a.m. here on the treasure coast and I'm waiting on laundry to finish so I have something to wear to work. *sigh* ... So... it seems it's been another month since I last wrote. You know what that means... a lot to cover and barely any time to write it all down in. I'll do my best.

Not long after the Pride of the Palm Beaches was the very first Miami Beach Pride Festival. Naturally we went. Expectations were high, so naturally it was a disaster. Honestly, the event itself was wonderful... Patti LaBelle was even there... so it couldn't be ALL bad. No, I'm talking about the personal drama.

Thanks to certain pharmaceuticals, there was more faggotry in the air than even a thousand homosexuals could muster up... and this was not good faggotry... it was bad, evil cat-fight, bitch-slap drama crap. Who were the players? Travis and Sadao. It was a mess, truly. Without getting into FULL details, Sadao tried to jump over a railing that would have ended up in about an 8 foot drop... in high-heel flip-flops... while blasted on Xanax. We tried to stop him. He ran off, Travis chased him to get the keys and started a fight.

On top of that, Sadao's car got towed, he lost his glasses, his shirt, his shoes and his bag which had had his phone and wallet in it. Travis, on the other hand, managed to keep all of his personal belonging (including his little goodie-bag from the various vendors at Pride). Did I mention that Travis was the one who supplied the Xanax to Sadao? No? Yeah... well... it was a mess.

So, after paying $190 to get the car out of tow (this after spending $500 on his car to get it worthy of the trip to Miami in the first place) we all got in the car to head home. Tensions were high and I knew that it wasn't over yet. Three hours in the car with Sadao, Travis, Dorian and Rachel (and her stolen dog).

We didn't last that long. 5 minutes, tops, and they were at it again to where Sadao jumped out of the car and ran off. We all waited (I know Sadao and knew what he needed) until he came back. I tried to defuse the situation as best as I could... but fate had other plans. When Sadao came back, we tried to keep Travis quiet so that Sadao could vent and we could get on the road. Travis had it coming, in my opinion. Sadao was cut all over and bruised from their scuffle. Travis looked little worse for the wear. Then it happened. Travis, in the back seat, hauls off and punches Sadao (in the front seat). Sadao loses it and lunges back at Travis, accidentally giving me a bloody nose in the process. That's when I put a final end to it. Travis was staying in Miami.

We got through the car fight and then headed home. I felt like shit for leaving Travis there but was also pissed off that he would continue to pick a fight with Sadao. Here they are, friends for five years, Travis has all his belongings and Sadao literally has only his shorts left. How does someone look at their friend who has NOTHING and continue to beat them down?

When we got home, I called Travis' mother and spoke with her about it. She was on her way to get him. They showed up at around 3 a.m. to pick up his dog, cat and a few items and then back to Port St. John.

He's gone now, for good. The next day, Sadao, AJ (Sadao's bf at that time) and I went to the Treasure Coast pride here in PSL. THAT was fun! The one day I don't bring my camer and he, AJ and Frankie ALL get on stage. *sigh* We had a bit more fun that night and I finally got to know AJ. I REALLY liked him a lot... for Sadao. It's the first time I've met someone that I thought was really good for Sadao.

But if you wanted to know about him, you would've asked him about it. This is my blog so I'll get back to me.

Since Travis has been gone, it's been quieter here, for the most part. About a week and a half a go I got the chance to meet someone from Facebook. His name is Guillermo. He's really sweet and I was glad we finally got the chance to meet. I drove down to Jupiter to this little place he suggested called the Square Grouper Tiki Bar. It's a quaint little place right on the water with live music... it was fun!

But nothing happens in my life with simplicity... no no, not allowed. We got a couple of beers and sat by the water to get to know each other. Sitting on the other side of me was a guy named Glenn. I know his name because we all got introduced to each other through the "would you save my seat, please" introductions.

Throughout the course of the night, I got to know them both a lot better and we all started getting inebreiated. It wasn't long before my T came out. Glenn just laughed because he had already figured it out, having dated a T-Girl before. Guillermo was shocked (I could tell) but he didn't run and hide... he stayed. Then, as the conversation continued, I realized that they were BOTH interested. This has not happened to me in a while. I had three choices. Guillermo, Glenn or None of the Above.

Guillermo is sweet as can be. He's laid-back, secure, never been married, but doesn't have a lot of drive or passion. I got a lot of "What?" from him when I would look at him. I felt like I had to carry the conversation. In my mind, I had already figured out that although we could be good friends, he wouldn't be able to satisfty certain needs in my life. (no wink there.. just honest).

Glenn is spontaneous, boisterous and fun-loving. He can carry a conversation, he's been married before and has kids. But he suffers from a lack of relationship confidence. I only know this because I've experienced it myself and can recognize it. The thing is, I don't know if I want to invest in that because of the way my own experience with it turned out. There's no point in learning that particular lesson from both sides of the equation... I can read the writing on that wall.

So, at around 10:30 I decided to leave and walked with Guillermo out to the parking lot. He had parked at the bar's lot while I had parked at a public access lot not far away. I kissed him good night and went to my car.... .... ... where I found a flat tire. Whee! It was a Sunday night ... 10:30... I'm an hour's drive from home. I pull the spare out and it's flat too and rusted.

SOOOO... back to the bar I go where I find Glenn... texting to his lesbian friend about his meeting me. He's still buzzed and is incredibly happy to see me (go figure, right?). I ask him for his help and he says sure. I'm thanking my lucky stars for this one. We put the flat spare on the car and took my tire to a gas station to fill it with air and some fix-a-flat. Then Glenn put it back on my car. All the while, of course, the conversation is about how great a date this is... how he can't believe that he's not getting laid tonight... basically alcohol and hormones chattering at me and I wasn't at the same level... had I been... I probably would have said fuck-it to the car and gone home with him. In this case, I'm glad my cooler head prevailed. I gave Glenn and kiss goodnight too and thanked him. I had hoped that after we had become more sober we might be able to get together again and laugh at that night and see where things could go. Instead, I got a couple of random text messages with nothing else. I even asked him when we could get together again... no answer.

So, the next day I took my car to Goodyear. All four tires needed to be replaced and a wheel balance and alignment. $500. So... I'm light financially... AGAIN.

In other news, the house STILL hasn't closed because the bank needed even MORE information. But now they're saying that this month it will close. Other than that, nothing else to report. More later.

Peace,
Jenna

The Crosswalk

2009-04-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

Awesome!! We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!

A Night at the Theatre

2009-04-14T19:59:00.000-07:00

So today was a good day and great night. I had my review at work today. I've been with the company a year and a week now. I was nervous because I know I haven't performed to the top of my ability and there are others there that far outshine my abilities in the Dot Net realm.

Well, Ryan had nothing but wonderful things to say. He started with my attitude saying it was very uplifting and that I should keep that up. We talked about a lot of things and I began to relax and enjoy the review when I realized I had just been taking it all too seriously and wasn't enjoying it. Then it just started to fall into place. That's when he told me about my raise. I won't go into details but suffice to say that I am not at all displeased with it! It was wonderful news!

When I got home, Sadao began to ask me about the new guy he had over last night... what I thought about him and how I felt, etc. I won't say it wasn't difficult to discuss. It was. Sadao and I have been very close and for him to say just a few days ago that he misses the personal intimacy (not physical) that we used to share... and then begin to pour that energy into someone else is very disheartening. I think I understand how others in my past have felt about it too with me in Sadao's place. I am learning... not in the way I'd like but... if you don't learn something one way, you learn it another, that's for sure.

Anyway, I told him that it really didn't matter what I thought and that it was up to him. I just hope their time together is good. However long it may last, whether it be a few days or the rest of their lives, I want him to be happy, more than anything else.

I helped him with a hair project he's working on and then got ready for my first play at the Barn Theatre. It was wonderful. It's called "The Boys Next Door." It's about a man who acts as a counselor for four mentally handicapped men living in an assisted living facility. The characters were so well played. It was funny at times and heartwrenching at other times. I really enjoyed it! I know I'm going to enjoy volunteering there and, if luck has it, performing there some day too.

So, now I'm at home, alone waiting on the boys to return with Dorian. He's flying in tonight from his trip out west. It will be good to see him and to hear about his travels. Right now, I'm a little peckish, so I'm going to grab a bite and wait for MY group of mentally challenged men to come home.

Peace,
Jenna

It's Springtime for Hitler and Germany!

2009-04-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

Yes, spring is springing in my life, it seems. I'm happy for that. A lot has been going on lately and this week is no exception. The last time I wrote was March 27th. Much has happened since then! I was mistaken on the Pride event we went to... it was actually the Pride of the Palm Beaches... not the Treasure Coast pride, that's this weekend.

The event was great! The parade wasn't until Sunday even though the website said Saturday... so Sadao got to go and see the parade on Sunday after all... which was great. On top of that, Twink and Cesar came down Saturday night, spent the night with us and went to Pridefest with us! It was great, although I'm not sure that Cesar had as a good a time as the rest of us. :) Not exactly his scene, ya know. :)

The house hasn't sold yet... apparently the bank needed more time so the closing date was changed to April 30th. So... not too much longer to wait now. I just hope this finally goes through. It's not so much the money, I've been concerned about the real property involved. It's been bugging me for a long time now. I just want to make sure someone has the property who will take good care of it since I really can't. Once that has been lifted, I don't mind going into financial restructuring to repay the remaining debt I have and get things right in my money-life again.

Things are on a more even-keel between Sadao and I again. There's so much presumption and assumption going on that it drives me bat-shit crazy at times. He told me the other day that he looked up the definition of the word "intimacy" and felt he had to apologize to me. He was thinking physical intimacy and I wasn't. Once he understood that, he realized that he too misses the intimacy we once had. I was glad to hear that! Hopefully things will continue to get better in that arena.

In other news, I am now an official volunteer at The Barn theatre in Stuart, FL! Tuesday night I'll be attending the show "The Boys Next Door" at the "Friends and Family" night. It's free to all volunteers. I'll also get to meet the people I'll be working with. Thursday I'm working in snack bar and on the 24th, I'll be an usher. I also get to try-out for the shows now! I'm excited about this as it, hopefully, represents new opportunities for me!

Later this week, we'll have friends staying with us and this weeked is Pride in Miami Beach and Pride of the Treasure Coast here in Port St. Lucie. So, this will be a busy week!!

Last week was our (not-so) "annual" mini-golf tournament here at the office. I sponsored hole 14 and turned it into a disco. I got second prize for hole design! First place certainly deserved it... QA converted their entire office into a Spongebob Squarepants wonderland! It was awesome!

Anyway, I have lots to do today and I'm goofing off here. Just wanted to post something to keep my memories intact.

Peace,
Jenna

It's Always Something

2009-03-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

So... yesterday was pretty crappy. I won't get into the details but sufficient to say that just about everywhere I turned I was met with negativity for some reason. I did get one piece of good news though... my house in Orlando is finally under contract and they're hoping to close by the end of the month. The buyer is paying in cash, too... so this could work out very well. I don't know what they're buying it for and I don't know if there will be financial repercussions yet, but at least someone will have a house they can work with. That's important to me.

This weekend is the gay pride festival for the Treasure Coast. I've been looking forward to this for a while now as has Sadao. However he just found out today that he has to work tomorrow. His attitude toward life has gotten progressively worse and on top of that he's been blaming me for it. It's not been the best of times lately... but then they can't always be, can they. The question is how much can people take of what another can dish out. For me, it's getting precariously close to where I feel like I have to walk on egg-shells, keep all my comments to myself and pretty much steer clear of him... whether it activity or inactivity on my part, it just seems to upset him and I'm really over it. I miss my dear friend and would really like to know where he went... because he's not been around lately. I think it would be best for him to take some time off and just go visit some old friends of his and relax with them.

I'm considering talking to his boss about giving him tomorrow off or switching Saturday and Sunday around for him. *sigh* ... like I said in the title... it's always something. We were yelling at each other pretty hard core last night and I realized in that moment how young he really is... and how much he still has left to learn about life. He thinks he knows it all and uses his experience to take advantage of every situation he can. Mind you, we all do that... the difference (at this point in my life) is that I know I don't know it all and I'm cool with that. Eh... this has become a vent session (again) rather than a journal entry but it happens from time to time, doesn't it?

At any rate, I have no clue what the future holds and that sometimes frightens me... but for the most part I'm at peace with it. I hope it can stay that way.

Peace,
Jenna

Those "Special" E-Mails

2009-03-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

So... I get these e-mails from my mother and others that talk about the "Secret to Happiness" or "The Key to a Happy Life" and such... the inspirational messages meant to remind someone who is depressed and focusing too much on the particulars of life to enjoy the little things and remember that that's what life is all about.

Forgive me if I offend here but... this feels a little like preaching to the choir. Also, in my case, it tends to reinforce the idea that I'm not happy. The logic goes something like this: "Everyone keeps telling me to cheer up. So it must appear to them that I'm not happy. There are several indicators here (i.e. everyone who keeps offering me well-wishes). Perhaps I'm not happy after all. I must not be happy or otherwise people wouldn't be trying to cheer me up. It would be counter-productive for someone to waste their time cheering up a happy person. I guess I'm not happy after all."

Yes, I'm getting tired of people trying to cheer me up about things that just happen in life to everyone. It seems like a never-ending cycle. It's like getting "Get Well Soon" cards ALL the time ... even though I'm out of the hospital. We don't do that... so why keep sending these inordinately sappy greetings to remind me to be happy? Just dumb, if you ask me.

Now, before I step on some toes here (too late!) let me say that I know that perception is everything. If someone is perceived as being unhappy, then those who care about that someone will do everything their power to lift that someone's spirits. It's a natural reaction. So once again, the key here is perception.

I think in reality people just like to have those happy, fun interactions with each other. If someone is in a "blah" mood, or they're tired or sore or achey or something like that, that doesn't necessarily mean they're unhappy. It's a very different situation.

So how do we create that happy, fun interaction with people without being "inspirational?" Easy... make them laugh. Engage their creativity. Pique their interest. Reminding someone that a half-empty glass is the same thing as a half-full glass does little more than annoy someone. Complaints about life's mundanities require distraction or assistance with resolutions for the mundanities, not simple platitudes pulled from some deep-thinker's ass.

Challenge me! Redirect me! Either provide me with a solution that engages my curiosity or provide me a temporary distraction from that which is occupying my thoughts. The first is a more direct approach and may not always work. If you're met with comments like "I know, it's just..." then more than likely I've already solved the problem and I'm just tired of thinking about it at the moment but can't seem to motivate myself. Proper motivation should be personalized based on what you know of me... not simple catch-phrases. And again, if all else fails, treat my mind to a break for a while. I'll regroup on the issue at hand later once I've had my fun.

For my own situation regarding these inspirational thoughts, I'm trying to alter my own perception and regard these as the emotional directive that prompted the sender to send it in the first place. Yeah... I'm gonna say it... "It's the thought that counts" *cringe*

So now that I've broken the very rule I laid down for everyone else, I'll close this diatribe and get some work done.

Peace,
Jenna

On My Coat-tails

2009-03-18T11:24:00.001-07:00

Not long ago a spoke with a friend of mine who claimed she was "riding my coat-tails." This meant that she's following in the same footsteps I took, but not exactly. No-one ever thinks they're doing the exact same thing someone else did, right? "Well, their mistake was xyz but I won't make that mistake." Right?

The thing that people fail to realize in situations like this is that it has nothing to do with the actions, the steps, the "how"s if you will. It all has to do with the heart and the mind. It's completely internal. This is just how it happens to work. It's never the same experience for anyone, either ... but often ends up with the same results.

I listened as she described the situation and realized that she was, indeed, riding my coat-tails. She, of course, told me how it would be different for her because of certain situations... but I believed that the end result would play out quite similar... maybe worse in her situation, I dunno.

Now, there are a few people that want me to "talk some sense" into her. Since I already know what can come from heading down the direction she's headed in and where it can lead, etc. I should s'plain it to her ... as if I have magical faerie dust that I can sprinkle on her to give her complete comprehension of things it's taken me almost 4 years to sort out.

Well, I can't do that. I won't do it either because it would be an exercise in futility and frustration. It would also go against the natural order of how we learn. It's taken me almost 4 years to get my original "self" back and it's required a lot of sacrifice and mental and emotional trauma. I'm still not 100% yet. I only know this because I'm still blogging about it. If I were "okay" you wouldn't be reading any of this shit. And you know that's true.

So... what can I do for my friend? I can do what no-one else seemed to do for me. I can be there for her when she falls. I can help dust her off and remind her that life isn't set, it isn't fated, it isn't predetermined, it isn't to serve a higher being, it isn't anything like that. It's not certainty... it's doubt. With doubt comes thought and then problem solving and then solutions in action. She's been there once before... she just forgot.

All I can do is hope that one day we're off of each other coat-tails and walking side-by-side down the same path together. That would be nice. Really, really nice.

That's What You Get

2009-03-10T10:39:00.000-07:00

That's What You Get

by Paramore

No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, to take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt, so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why?
All the possibilities...
Well I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa...
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try... holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why? All the possibilities. I'm sure you've heard.

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa..
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

Pain, make your way to me. (to me)
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,
This heart will start a riot in me,
Let's start... Start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

Battling Depression Again

2009-03-03T10:52:00.000-08:00

When I get depressed, it's usually because I feel like I have no way out. For me, it's like being cornered. Some people fight, while others freeze up when they get boxed. For me, it depends on the situation.

For example, regarding my financial situation, I don't feel cornered, at all. I know that time will cure this ailment. I know what to do, how to do it. If I'm working on a project that is harder than I expected, I don't feel cornered (frustrated yes... but that's different). Eventually, I know I will find the answer.

When it comes to an inability to communicate effectively or interact socially, I get boxed in. There are those that I can communicate with very well... and those I simply can't. I don't understand this. Why is it that I am able to understand and make myself understood with some while others can't seem to grasp it... even when we're using the same language and even when we're under the same roof?

I've always said that the key to communicating with someone is learning how they communicate first, then you can communicate with them on their terms. That's usually better than trying to communicate with someone using your own dialog.

Apparently, to some, this looks like I'm copying them. Well, in a way, I am... but only in order to communicate effectively. I have no interest in being anyone but myself. And, here's a news flash, I'm not 100% sure what that is yet. Maybe everyone else has a road map to life... but I don't.

The Weekend

2009-03-02T07:08:00.000-08:00

It was an interesting weekend. Friday night, Sadao and I went to see "Le Nozze Di Figaro" at the Palm Beach Opera. It was a fantastic performance! Dreyfoos Hall is absolutely beautiful. It was Sadao's first opera and I'm glad I was able to share it with him.

Saturday I went to the gym and worked out with the trainer, Joe. *sigh* ... He looks like a young Sylvester Stallone. After that I went home and watched Religulous. Truly a great piece of work by Bill Maher. Recommended viewing in my opinion. Later I went to a vinyl record store in the area and found a few hard-to-find 12"'s and a couple of albums I had on cassette when I was younger.

Sunday I had most of the day (and the house) to myself. I did some house-work and watched about 14 hours of 24 season 5. Yeah... it sounds crazy when I write it out like that... but at the same time, it's not like I wasn't active as well. I did get a lot of other stuff done, too (including laundry which was a good thing).

I've had a lot of time to think about life in general. Some of my friends are putting themselves and others through very trying times... like I have done in the past. I see it happening and I know what will come of it. I try to tell them what can come from their actions... and they do not listen. But then... what did I expect?

Success comes from making good choices. Making good choices comes from wisdom. Wisdom comes from experience. Experience comes from making bad choices.

So I think my experience is starting to finally produce some wisdom. Of course, I'm not saying that I'm this wise old woman, now. I've had to repeat some lessons. At least I'm recognizing that though.

At any rate, I have no clue what the future holds right now... but if I can start shaping it again, I'm gonna.

Happily Ever After

2009-01-19T11:31:00.000-08:00

So we all know fairy tales. We've all seen movies with happy endings. The "happily ever after" concept. Some of the movies we see are based on real events. In fact, all mythology and fiction has it's basis in fact at some point.

But, it makes me curious... this "happily ever after" concept. The idea is that once it's achieved, there's nothing more to achieve. You're done! Happiness reigns supreme from here on out. When, exactly, does that happen?

Look, it's simple. Our reasons for blogging, speaking, eating, singing, breathing, drinking, performing, instant messaging, writing to one another, calling one another, hugging, kissing, nuzzling, whatever... these are all within the bounds of the pursuit of happiness. Would anyone actually WANT to do any of these things if they were happy? Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want. Well, if that's the case, why do we continue to pursue it?

Hello... I think the answer is obvious. Not one of us on this Earth is truly happy. We have moments of elation and we know that if we could just sustain that moment, everything would be grand. But then, what if we got bored with it. Well, I don't know how anyone could get bored with true elation, though. :)

Therein lies the interesting twist. We're not happy, and so we pursue it. We chase after those moments of elation because we've labeled that emotion, that feeling, as happiness. But it's not true happiness. The twist? We get bored with the fake happiness and therefore continue our pursuit... until the pursuit itself becomes the source of our happiness. Well, that's a theory at least. I think at some point, the pursuit gets tiring and it becomes more of a way to keep from being bored, in pain, etc. What do you do with true happiness once you find it? Once you've achieved the goal, what else is there, eh? It's sorta like... what does the Coyote do once he catches the Roadrunner? Will it honestly satisfy him or is it just another chapter in the life?

So, we're human beings. We're going to live for a while, that's all there is to it. So how do we deal with this metaphysical desire effectively until true happiness comes along? By making the pursuit itself the source of our happiness. "At least I always have something to do." "I'm not happy unless I have something to bitch about."

This is all coming from my reflection on recent events. My brother passed away last week. He had stage 4 esophageal cancer. He was only 55 years old. I saw him in December and he was pretty tired and in a lot of pain. I knew his days were very short and that would be the last time I saw him alive. I tried to impress this upon my family and that they should spend as much time as possible with him. I don't know if I said the right words or not. I hope so.

Anyway, ever since then people have been offering me their condolences. I've been getting the "you should go and be with the family" types of responses. The "if there's anything I can do" offers are coming in too.

I want to set the record straight here. My brother has finally found true happiness. How can I be sad about that? How can I possibly show even the slightest remorse? I cried when my father died. That was a human reaction to the shock of losing the man I was patterned after. I will be honest here and say that I have not cried for my brother once. This is not because I don't miss him. Maybe I'm a little jealous. He has no more earthly cares. I am, understandably, worried about my sister-in-law and their youngest. But for my brother, I feel no loss. Everything I loved (and some things I didn't love) about my brother are part of me as a result of my association with him. He still lives in me and in the lives of everyone else he touched.

I will not meet death with fear or regret. My life has been, and will continue to be, unique to others and humdrum to me. Perhaps what we call the pursuit of happiness is actually the avoidance of it. If we continue to better ourselves, strengthen ourselves physically, extend our lifespans, etc., aren't we simply creating more distance between us and the final curtain where all our worries disappear?

Yeah... I know this piece sounds like I'm advocating suicide as the answer to true happiness. No, that's not it either. Because until we learn to TRULY accept, suicide is just another step in the path of avoidance. You see, even me writing this blog entry is part of my avoidance of true happiness. If I were ready to accept it myself, I wouldn't feel the need to tell anyone about it . :-P

So, to that end, I would say this one last bit about this subject. The pursuit will take you many places. It may throw you in the arms of many different people at different times in your life. None of this is by chance, you willed it that way. It's your journey. It's your pursuit. If you're going to keep up the pursuit, at least enjoy it while you're at it. :) Eventually we ALL will find True Happiness, it's unavoidable. Until then, don't worry about whether you're happy or not. Because you're not... not yet anyway. :)

Peace,
Jenna

Warning... New Year Approaching... Please Increase Speed!

2008-12-30T10:07:00.000-08:00

Note: I started this on Wednesday... ... well, actually on Tuesday and changed some words on Wednesday and am finally finishing it now. Whatever, just read.

So 2008 is almost gone and 2009 is almost here. Considering the fallibility of humans and their inerrant ability to re-write history, disprove history, etc., it's quite possible that 2009 has, actually, already been here and passed... or maybe we're not even close yet, who knows.

At any rate, the greater portion of the population believes that an event worth being cheerful and merry for is quickly approaching and moreso that it signifies the dawn of a new series of events and the close of another series of events. Whatever. I get Thursday off, so I'm happy.

I always end up doing a lot of soul-searching during this time. Funny thing is, everyone I mention that to says the same thing. They also say, "Everyone does that." I know they don't know exactly what everyone does and that it's basically the same thing I experience... that I'm in tune with just about everyone out there. Pointing out the differences and similarities, arguing over the methodologies of obtaining truths or decrying someone else's experience of an emotional state since it wasn't exactly the same methodology we used to experience are common-place.

So what does it all mean, anyway? Who cares? We all do, at some level. We all care what it means even though we sometimes act like we shouldn't care. We each handle our idea of the truth of existence in our own way, seek to find those that think the same way we do so we can side up against those that think differently. Black and white. Up and Down. On and Off. Life and Death.

It's hard for me to say it's one thing or another. Is my family right? Are my friends right? Who cares? Well, I do because I make friends and family with various walks of life and none of them ever agree with one another other than do disagree with one another. It makes me wonder how we're ever supposed to achieve this grand unifying thing in the first place. Maybe the only thing we are truly unified in is division.

It's prevalent in the books we write, movies we make, the music we play and the lives we live. "You never stand up for yourself! You never say anything which makes me think that you have nothing to say and I don't know if I want to be around someone like that." Followed shortly by "Sheese! Why do you always have to go on and on about this or that, why can't we just be?" There are those we seem destined to always be at odds with and it is usually those that we are attracted to the most.

My life is not an easy one... but then not many peoples' are. It seems that when I had the affluence to do just about anything I was hanging around those that were completely ungrateful for it. Now that I am around grateful people, I don't have the means to rub two pennies together half the time. Where's the balance?

I remember a time in my personal life where the satisfaction of what I had was adequately balanced with the determination to achieve more. I was never too satisfied and was never so motivated that I couldn't relax. This is my personal goal for 2009 and beyond. To recapture the balance of a happy life with those around me. To know when to hold on, when to compromise and when to let go. None of these options seem to make those around me happy, though. And for someone who has only ever wanted to please others, that makes life a challenge, to say the least.

Yes, there are some things in life that I enjoy just for myself. I like playing RockBand. I like to write about life from a philosophical viewpoint. I like to watch musicals, travel to new places, do things I've never done before. I like to sing and write music. I like to change my look to whatever suits my fancy at the time.

I don't have the answers. I'm not someone who can write a column that will inspire someone to get off drugs, quit smoking, lead a decent life, lead an indecent life, whatever. I can only manage to keep myself sane enough to stumble through this strange existence until it's inevitable conclusion. But one thing I do know. I am not alone. I have never been alone. I will never be alone. We are all in this together, and that one shining fact can not be disputed.

May your existence, such as it is, bring you peace, love, health and happiness for you and yours in 2009 and beyond.

Peace,
Jenna

Suicidal Tendencies - Institutionalized

2008-12-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I try to do things but it just doesn't work out the way I want it to, and I get real frustrated and then like I try hard to do it, and I like, take my time but it just doesn't work out the way I want it to. Its like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out. And everything I do and everything I try, it never turns out. Its like, I need time to figure these things out, but there's always someone there going “hey mike, you know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately, you know? You need to maybe get away. And like, maybe you should talk about it, you'll feel a lot better.” And I'm all like “oh, nah, its ok, you know. I'll figure it out. Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out, you know? I'm just working on it by myself.” And they go “well, you know, if you wanna talk about it, I'll be here, you know? And you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it. So why don't you talk about it?” I go “no, I don't want to! I'm ok. I'll figure it out myself!” But they just keep bugging me, they just keep bugging me, and it builds up inside.

So you're gonna be institutionalized. You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes.
You won't have anything to say. They'll brainwash you until you see their way.

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one that's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help to protect me from the enemy, myself.

I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything, but then again I was thinking about nothing. And then my mom came in, and I didn't even know she was there. She called my name and I didn't hear her and then she started screaming “Mike, Mike!” And I go “what? Whats the matter?” She goes “whats the matter with you?” I go “there's nothing wrong, mom.” Shes all “don't tell me that! You're on drugs!” I go “no mom I'm not on drugs. I'm ok, I'm just thinking, you know? Why don't you get me a Pepsi?” She goes “No! You're on drugs!” I go “mom, I'm ok. I'm just thinking.” She goes “No! You're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't be acting that way!” I go “mom, just get me a Pepsi! Please, all I want is a Pepsi!” And she wouldn't give it to me! All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me! Just a Pepsi!

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves! Tied around your back, you're treated like thieves!
Drug you up because they're lazy! It's too much work to help a crazy!

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help, to protect me from the enemy, myself.

I'm sitting in my room, when my mom and my dad came in. they pulled up a chair and they sat down. They go “mike, we need to talk to you.” And I go “ok, whats the matter?” They go “me and your mom, we've noticed that lately you've been having a lot of problems, and you've been going off for no reason, and we're afraid you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid you're going to hurt yourself. So we decided that it would be in you're best interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need.” And I go “wait, what are you talking about, WE decided? MY best interests? How do you know what MY best interest is? How can you say what MY best interest is? What are you trying to say? I'M crazy? When I went to YOUR schools, I went to YOUR churches, I went to YOUR institutional learning facilities. So how can you say I'M crazy?”

They say they're gonna fix my brain. Alleviate my suffering and my pain.
But by the time they fix my head. Mentally I'll be dead.

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help, to protect me from the enemy, myself.

Doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyways.

Hmmm...

2008-11-21T05:16:00.000-08:00

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues
Elton John

Don't wish it away
Don't look at it like it's forever
Between you and me I could honestly say
That things can only get better

And while I'm away
Dust out the demons inside
And it won't be long before you and me run
To the place in our hearts where we hide

And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands could be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Just stare into space
Picture my face in your hands
Live for each second without hesitation
And never forget I'm your man

Wait on me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself

Being God's Clown

2008-11-17T08:51:00.000-08:00

I let my imagination wander quite a bit, quite often. I can't help it... it gets bored too quickly if it's not allowed to explore new territory. It always comes back tho, and then tells me what it saw. Sometimes it's quite entertaining, sometimes enlightening, and sometimes downright frightening.

Today it wandered off early this morning and let me work in peace. Just a few minutes ago it came back and began to describe something so deliciously obvious I'm amazed I hadn't thought of it before (then again, maybe I have thought of it before and just conveniently forgot... more on that later).

There's a condition called "Coulrophobia" which is, basically, the fear of clowns. Now, as wikipedia describes it, it is the abnormal and exaggerated fear of clowns. I would have to agree with this description based on what my imagination reported to me. Why? Because based on it's finding, I am one of God's Clowns.

What on earth is more important to a creator than it's creations? The answer is nothing. We were made in the image of the creator so we already know this because what we create is pretty darned important to us too. Us clowns are here to make you laugh and distract you from the monotony of the machine for a while so you don't completely lose it. Here are some definitions for the word clown as a noun as defined by dictionary.com:

a comic performer, as in a circus, theatrical production, or the like, who wears an outlandish costume and makeup and entertains by pantomiming common situations or actions in exaggerated or ridiculous fashion, by juggling or tumbling, etc.
a person who acts like a clown; comedian; joker; buffoon; jester.
a prankster; a practical joker.
Slang. a coarse, ill-bred person; a boor.
a peasant; rustic.

Other than the slang entry, none of these entries really bother me. In fact, they define me quite well, I'm proud to say. My mother has told me on more than one occasion that when I was born she had an overwhelming sense of joy. Well, for goodness sakes, I got started early in my spiritual career, didn't I? Without us clowns, the world would indeed be a very boring place. It would be the machine without the joy, the laughter or anything that makes the machine worth having in the first place.

So how many clowns are there? A LOT actually! I see more and more every day. I admit, I've not been a very good clown on this planet lately. I've felt really down, depressed, unloved and unwanted based on events that have happened over the past few years. However my imagination reminded me that I am giving God a good hearty laugh with how serious I've been trying to be lately. That very fact brought me joy and brought about the realization that it is my life's work to be a clown... even without my knowledge, really. Being a clown is instinctual, apparently.

I read a story recently about a poor man who is a "real clown" by profession. I say poor man because his government is beginning to put restrictions on what he can use to entertain people. No balloons because latex can causes severe reactions in a small minority of people... no bubble machine because it costs to much to insure in the event of someone slipping... no twisting balloons into guns because it might encourage violence. Getting hurt by a trick gone awry or a machine malfunctioning is part of the risk in being a clown, though.

The thing is, no one denies the construction worker, electrician, highway worker, fireman, policeman, etc. of the hazards they face in their jobs. They know the risks of their professions and accept them with gladness for the opportunity to serve in the capacity they want to serve. Every clown accepts their risks too. Including the risk of being hated, feared, banned, limited and generally socially mocked. That last one is pretty much in the job description to begin with.

So why the heck am I writing all this? Well, to make you aware of an inequity that exists that really needs to be corrected ASAP.

If a policeman gets shot ... he's given medical attention.
If a fireman gets burned ... he's given medical attention, too.
If an electrician gets zapped ... he's given medical attention as well!
If a construction worker or highway worker gets hurt ...well gosh-darnit... they get medical attention too!!!

No one worries about their emotional needs. Why is that? Because they don't work with emotions... hello? They work with guns, fire, water, electricity, pavement, steel, mortar... seeing a pattern here? Physical things.

But clowns work with emotions. That's their arena. So what happens if a clown doesn't get a laugh? What happens when a clown is feared, rejected or otherwise kept from doing what they were born to do? Nothing. Clowns have to suck it up and keep smiling, that's their job, after all. Smiling and laughing and making others smile and laugh are what clowns love to do. That's when they are at their best. But the clown needs medical attention at times too... just emotional medicine.

I'm not talking about a shrink. I'm talking about a smile, a hug, even a kiss... something to keep them going that reminds them that what they're doing is appreciated too. Being a clown isn't easy in a world that is becoming increasingly serious. But it certainly give us plenty of work. War, famine, violence, pestilence, disease et. al. create plenty of work for the clowns. We are the doctors of the soul.

Now, to live in this world, we all need food, water, shelter and creature comforts. Clowns are not exempt from this. So we clowns have to take jobs in the physical workforce, too. Sometimes we actually get to make being a clown as our work! That's heaven right there. Not all of us get those opportunities tho. That doesn't change the fact that we were called to be clowns too. That's the soul-calling.

So, please... the next time you see a clown's spirit in the eyes of a friend, a family member, a co-worker or even a total stranger, don't forget to at least smile at them. They just gave you a precious gift and just want a thank you in return.

Peace,
Jenna

How Thin the Veil

2008-11-07T07:17:00.000-08:00

There is a danger involved in willingly allowing one's consciousness to expand. Consider it like a two-way mirror. For those on the mirrored side, everything they see is merely a reflection of what they expect to see. There's nothing else behind it. Expanding one's consciousness allows one to see that there IS something behind it and completely not what they expected.

This really isn't the problem, tho. The problem is returning to a more restricted view with the knowledge of the existence of the veil. Once you've seen that there's more to life than the simple reflections of your experiences so far, it's disconcerting to ever look at those reflections in the same way again.

There are many ways that we re-adjust to reality. "It was just a chemical imbalance in your brain and it was simply letting you see all the things you imagined you would see anyway. You can't trust your physical senses when your consciousness is expanded." That's a good one. It's very grounding. But it also feels like an attempt to not really deal with the question of existence beyond the veil. It's more like putting it off or trying to assuage someone's fears so that they don't go crazy, act up, and cause problems for the other "patients in the ward."

Human curiosity drives us to discover and understand that which we don't understand already. A mystery is a wonderful thing and a terrible thing all at the same time. We love to have a mystery solve but we hate not being able to solve it, at the same time. So where does the peace-of-mind come for those of us with TMI about what's on the other side of the mirror? How do we step away from the mirror and start enjoying life again, KNOWING that life could all be a facade, a show, an experiment, a dream, etc.?

By having something more important come in take the place of that desire. Work is good for that. There's 8 hours on each week-day covered. Physical distractions like Food, Drink, Sex and Sleep keep our heads out of the clouds too. A deficit in any of these four physical distractions can lead to thinking about the mirror too. Mental and physical puzzles can also keep our heads busy trying to solve them (car upgrades, crossword puzzles, video games, etc.).

Now I come to emotions. They can completely distract us from all of that too... when they fulfill an emotional need. Love, tenderness, anger, joy, resentment, sadness, pity, mischievousness, etc. all distract us from the mirror while at the same time letting us glance into it now and then as if we were breaking the fourth wall in a movie. I think when one's emotions are real we forget about the mirror altogether. When they're not real, we're VERY aware of the mirror and are trying to put on the best show we can.

The mirror is the veil. We each stand on either side of it and then announce to the world which side we're on. Those still dealing with the fact that it exists are horrified by the idea that it exists and the idea that they were pawns in a game all along. Those who've accepted the mirror's presence have the choice to use it to their advantage in manipulating the lives of others, or to simply acknowledge it's simultaneous existence and non-existence, thereby treating everyone with the same love and respect, regardless.

I know this post has been deep. It was meant to be. Writing down my mental responses to the experiences I've had while trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow has been very healthy for me. I know I don't want to go back to seeing only my reflection in the mirror. Nor can I. I'm just learning to accept the mirror for what it is to me... and then to be able to move on with that knowledge.

MMV Identified as a HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS Disease!

2008-11-06T08:25:00.000-08:00

So what is MMV? It's Micro-Management Virus. This is what happens when someone feels the need to direct another person on tasks to be performed at such a miniscule level as to be aggravating and annoying to the person being directed.

I've classified this as a disease because it appears to be similar to the varicella zoster virus. For your education and amusement, here's the wikipedia summary for zoster; modified ever so slightly to represent my discovery of MMV.

Micro-Managment Virus, commonly known as "detail oriented", is a viral disease characterized by an uncontrollable urge to control others with detail-oriented suggestions for a given task, often in an office environment. The initial infection with micro-management virus (MMV) causes the acute (short-lived) outburst of aggravation, and generally occurs in people who have taken responsibility for other people, projects or other tasks. Once an outburst has been resolved, the virus is not eliminated from the body but can go on to cause detail-orientation —an illness with very different symptoms—often many years after the initial infection.

Micro-managment virus can become latent in the nerve cell bodies without causing any symptoms. In a workflow-compromised individual, perhaps years or decades after an outburst, the virus may break out of nerve cell bodies and travel down nerve axons to cause viral infection of the speech centers in the region of the nerve. Although the infection usually heals within two to four weeks, some sufferers experience residual nerve pain for months or years, a condition called postmanagement neuralgia. Exactly how the virus remains latent in the body, and subsequently re-activates is not understood.

Antiviral relaxation techniqeus can reduce the severity and duration of outbreak, if a seven to ten day course of these techniques is started within 72 hours of the appearance of the characteristic outburst.

It does appear to infect others similarly too. Once exposed to micro-management, we have the potential of becoming infected. Now... if there was only a way to immunize against this, the world would be a much better place, don't you think?

Peace,
Jenna

A Story

2008-11-03T06:58:00.000-08:00

Okay, I just started writing this story and couldn't stop. Something told me to write it. It's a little bit "stream-of-consciousness" in some places (most places actually) but I was moved to write it.

I am but a servant of Love. Love has been with me since the beginning and I have felt It's presence for all time, even when I felt It had deserted me.

In the beginning, I was It's favorite, or so it seemed. Bountiful blessings of abundant rain poured down upon me. I was fertile and brought forth sustenance that fed the bounty of life that Love had place in my care.

One day I met another like me. It seemed to me at the time that she had not fared so well as I. It seemed as though she had been abandoned by Love. From my vantage point, she appeared dry, cracked, hard and infertile. It seemed as if I had received more than my fair share of the bounty of blessings. I felt the burden to share the abundance that had been given to me and so I offered to share with her. She accepted it with gratitude, grace and responded in kind. We became friends.

As I shared my blessings with her, and she with I, I saw her flourish and dance as she herself had thirsted for the rain for ages. I mused to myself and wondered how it came to be that someone as beautiful as this had been so abandoned by Love. I could not understand how she had come to be a hard, infertile rock; cold and unfeeling. All she needed was a little Love.

She told me great stories of strife and hardship. There were lean times where famine had raged across her own fields and she weathered many a storm. My heart broke with each story and more of the love I had received poured out into her.

I began to understand the joy that Love must feel when It's allowed to give freely to us and fill our lives with the blessings we need to grow and thrive. I began to really enjoy it... but I am not Love... I am but a servant of Love.

I began to believe that I could do things as well as Love could do them. After all, I was created by Love and therefore must have an imprint of that image within me. It was at this point in my life where the seeds of the illness took root within my own soil. For I believed I was greater than I am. The more I gave, the more she seemed to thirst. As time went by, my own reserves began to run dry and the less I had to give. I noticed my own soil beginning to dry, crack and harden. The bounty of sustenance I once had began to wither and die and become poisonous to those in my own care who would partake of them.

I was stubborn. I was drunk with the idea of being Love itself and could no longer be satisfied with simply being an extension, a conduit or a servant of love. The more I gave, the worse it got. The beauty of the bounty that Love had provided in my life had been replaced with selfishness, vanity and pride sprouting up like weeds, greedily consuming all that Love had provided and choking out the bounty that once grew from within me.

I cried out to Love in my horror and anguish. I wailed and begged for forgiveness. I begged to be made useful again in It's eyes. Love looked upon me and took pity. It knew my heart and understood why. A tear fell from It's cheek for it knew what had to be done. The selfishness, vanity and pride were deeply rooted within me. They were not about to leave quietly. Love knew what had to be done.

The grass and plants that grew within my soil died completely. Those within my care left for greener pastures. The love I continued to receive fed only the poisonous weeds that now covered my once lush landscape. That was when Love could bear it no more. I had heard tales of the Love's wrath against the wicked. I had no understanding of this wrath until now when it's full weight fell upon me.

Like knives piercing my heart, great war began to rage across my plains. Other, darker servants of Love raged across my fields, ripping and tearing at the infection within me. The roots were deep. As each vine was ripped away, parts of me had to go with it. They too knew of Love and desired it all for themselves. So as each selfish thing was pulled away, it left seeds behind to take root and wait for Love to rain upon me again, that I might continue to thrive.

It was only now that I saw my friend's original condition in a new light. I understood, for the first time, what she had been through. I saw my own scars scattered across my crust and recognized them as the same I had seen upon her. She had shared with me her pain, and in doing so, I contracted it myself! I understood even more what had to take place for Love to return.

I looked into the Heavens and with tears of pain and joy prayed for Love's mercy. In that moment, we touched, my creator and I, and I knew it would be alright. I nodded my head and it was over.

I drifted, cold and hardened after the final onslaught. Love's dark servants dug deep within, not only ripping away every living thing growing on my scarred surface, but then also pounded my once fertile soil into hardened rock, unmoving, uninhabitable... and compared to my previous existence, dead to all who knew me.

Love then began again with me. Now that the illness had fled, the time was right. With painful, pounding hammers deep carving blades, and a fire that burned hotter than hell itself, Love began to crack, till, melt and transform my hardened body into a new one. Throughout time, It filtered and sifted away the impurities that had made me vulnerable to the illness the first time.

The process seemed to take ages upon ages to complete. Then one day, as I laid there broken and still ablaze with fires burning deep within me, Love said, "I am finished. Let's see how we did."

The heavens opened and an abundance of rain fell upon me, seeping into every crack and dousing the flames that licked at my sores. The temperature changes brought about more changes as I felt Love's blessings fill me through and through until I thought I would burst.

Then I looked upon myself and saw what Love had wrought as the first few blades of grass began to sprout again. I understood, once again, the gift that had once again been given to me. Now, with knowledge of the illness and how it spreads, I could be of even more service to those like me, servants of Love. The very thing I desired the most, to be more like my creator, was given to me. But one can not defeat an enemy if one doesn't know it.

I do not bear a grudge against my friend for sharing the disease. For that was her task to do. Without that, I would have remained a child without the ability to defend myself against the enemy of Love. We are well to do all that Love requires of us.

Love will bless you with all you ask for, if you are willing to pay the cost for what you ask. Be therefore careful and wise in what you request... you just might get it.

Zapp & Roger

2008-10-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

On a completely different note... I've got to get the album I'm listening to on Napster right now. It was released in 93 and contains music even older... but I just found it myself looking for something else. I was looking to find who did the song "I want to be your man." It's by an artist simply known as Roger.

On Napster, I found it on an album called "Zapp & Roger: All The Greatest Hits"

So far, every track has had me jamming to the point where I'm bouncing in my seat, throwing my arms up at my desk, and mimicing a chicken with my head... so... that has to tell ya something. :) It's all old-school funk and it just makes me wanna get up and dance in styles I can't dance... LOL. There's nothing quite like music that makes you willingly want to make a fool of yourself even while sober. :)

Peace,
Jenna

New Car on the Horizon

2008-10-28T06:16:00.000-07:00

Well, not new... but new to me. I've had the same car for about 10 years now. It's a great car, it has survived so much (10 accidents, multiple parties, several trips to Indiana and back, etc.) and has been a constant companion through thick and thin. She's my baby.

Well, as I've stated in here before, there has been some contention between Sadao and I about the usage of the car. There's something about saying, "Until Forever" that we sometimes forget when it comes to personal effects. Once you're attached-at-the-hip to someone, the lines of "yours" and "mine" sometimes gets blurred. Depending upon what it is, the blurring of those lines can be a traumatic experience! That was the case when it came to sharing the car.

I've sought advice from friends and I've prayed about it too. The one thing that always holds true is that my relationship with Sadao is more important to me than the car. I'd rather get rid of the car than have it be a source of contention. So after much deliberation, I decided that the time is right to get a new car and sell him my old one. He's very good with the car, he's driven it enough to know it's in's and out's so I know my baby will be taken care of ... probably better than I took care of her, to be honest.

Another plus to this is that we will have two cars in the family again. Now if something happens when one of us are out and about, the other can come to the aid. If we both want to do something but separate from each other, we will be able to. So no more fighting over who gets to use the car when, etc. It always amuses me when people say to me, "Well, it's YOUR car so there shouldn't be any fight!" But it's a personal choice as to whether we blur those lines of ownership or not. I know that the quality of our lives has been richer for us being together and given our personal track records, we refuse to let anything get in the way of that anymore.

Since marriage is not on the table, we can't go at this with a typical "joint insurance" thing, which is probably better any way. So he's taking care of the insurance, upkeep and taxes for the Escort. That's all his responsibility and my car will be my responsibility.

Before anyone says something like, "Well, but what you are teaching him is that if he whines enough he can get what he wants." A. I'm not teaching him... he's not my student nor my child. B. I can honestly say that he knows that doesn't work. C. I did a lot of whining myself... it always takes two to tango so you can't just blame one person for a fight. D. He's paying for the car and taking on the responsibility for it.

So it's forward motion for both of us. I like this type of relationship MUCH more than how things have gone in my past relationships. There's the beauty of sharing our lives with each other without the expectations placed upon us by socio-religious stigmas and traditions. It may seem insane... and that's what I think I like about it the most. :)

Anyway, I'm done gushing now. :) One more point to the "teaching/learning" bit tho... if anyone's learning something here... it's me. I'm grateful for it too... with a mind like an empty sponge. :)

Peace,
Jenna

Might as well talk to the wall...

2008-10-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

You've said it too, haven't you? "I might as well be talking to a brick wall." "Better to save my breath to cool my broth." Something like that, right? So why do we keep doing it? If trying to communicate with someone is so difficult, what's the benefit? Hrmph... I just heard Twink say "Nothing good is ever easy" in my head. I wish she'd shut up some times.

Well, since this is where I like to vent, my poor journal gets the brunt of it all. Basically, things are patched up again at home... but Mr. Cranky is still sick and therefore takes everything I say as if I'm being intentionally confrontational. Now... here's the part that I just don't get. He knows me. He knows me well enough to know that I hate confrontation. Typically, the only real reason someone will use confrontation is when they want to attention. Yes, yes... I can hear naysayers already proclaiming that there are times when confrontation is warranted. Well, it all boils down to attention.

People used to getting attention keep wanting it. It's like a psychoactive drug of the worst degree, if you ask me. Why would someone need that much attention if their life was interesting enough without it? AH hah! Yes, when life gets boring we tend to bore into other people's minds and demand their attention one way or another. Anything is better than nothing, right? And some of us are pretty damned needy. I've been there. Withdrawal isn't fun... but it's not anywhere near as bad as getting an unwanted kind of attention. Ouch. Even worse than that? Getting the kind you want and it changing in a heartbeat to the kind you don't want. It's like eating a fruit that tastes great until it suddenly rots instantly in your mouth. Whee!

Sometimes we just have to accept what life gives us with gladness while other times we will stand up and say, "No no... no more of that, thank you.. I know what that's going to do to me." I've been fortunate to be able to deal with life's sour bits and be thankful for them ... if for no other reason than they make the sweet bits taste all that much sweeter.

"That's how you view life? You feed off of it? That's sick!"

I've heard that many times. I never have a response for it, really. No point in defending something that is the very definition of life in the first place. In fact, if you really think about it... the sweet gratitude that someone gets after saying something like that is beyond measure. Because right after a statement like that usually comes something like "Well, at least I don't stoop that low!" The ironic part is that by uttering that last statement, they've put themselves in the mud right next to you...

Friend: Mr. Pot? I'd like you to meet Ms. Kettle.
Mr. Pot: "But she's black!"
Ms. Kettle: "Hrmph, have you looked in the mirror lately, biotch?"

Bah... I can't really vent these things anywhere else but here.

On another note: I found a REALLY good realtor/investor this weekend. I'm very impressed by him so far and I really think we might get somewhere with the house this time. Also, work is starting to flow a little easier... I'm very happy about that!

Halloween is coming up... not sure what I'm going to be this year... if anything. Maybe I'll go as a man. :-P

Peace,
Jenna

Hats Off

2008-10-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

I want to take a moment and tip my invisible hat to Sarama O'Shae. I had the pleasure of catching up on her blog today. This newfound interest is not hard for me to figure out. Reading through her blog posts is a lot like reading through my own (when they're not laced with OMG... I can't believe... WTF... but those are just blog-vents).

Samara, your column expresses much wisdom, curiosity and wonder. I find myself smiling, laughing out loud and generally having a blast as I read the entries. I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading your column for a long time to come.

On to other events...

I have calmed down quite a bit now. It's one of those disquieted calms (yeah... you figure it out if you want or just let your brain go pffft! I know what I mean). I know it's the calm before a bigger storm yet to rage. It's as if a hurricane is coming through and I've been experiencing the feeder bands ... but the eye-wall is still on it's way.

Ehh... I'm not so crazy about that analogy, but it will have to do for now. I was accused, again, of playing mind-games and holding the accuser back form what they really wanted to do in life. Considering I've never held anyone down, held a gun to anyone's head or done anything physical to stop anyone from doing anything, I find the notion ridiculous. I was accused of acting like a child and wanting it all my way. I guess we all want things our own way, and my way is honesty. Sounds strange coming from somone who's gone to great lengths to disguise their genetics... but given that I publicize my disguise, I feel that I can stand on the ground I'm standing on without fear that it will give way. After all, I know what's underneath it anyway.

I didn't respond to the accusations other than to point out what it was I was truly pissed off about. One of these days, I may learn to not respond at all. Given my mouth, that probably won't be until I've passed on, though.

My love for someone must be tough sometimes. When I agree with myself to love another person, it means that sometimes I must tell them what they need to hear, not just what they want to hear. It sounds pretentious. It sounds like I'm putting myself above others. But I also know that this type of love is not foreign to anyone on the planet. It just is as it is. I don't like doing it tho... but no one said I had to like it.

I will stand behind my words with actions. Sometimes I won't say anything and just act without words.... but I am a rooster (by chinese astrology) and a consumate actor so more often I feel the need to annouce. It gives me something to shoot for for myself, I guess. "Well, I said I was going to and by God I'm gonna do it." Yes, sometimes these things get put on hold. But I know I will not forget all that I have to do, all I must repay, etc. It will all catch up with me eventually and I will hold myself accountable for anything and everything I put myself up to do.

So if I bluster on and on... if I take the moral high-ground from time to time... if I sound like I'm talkin' shit or talkin' out of my ass... take a moment and ask yourself when you might have done the same... or when it might have looked that way to someone else. Then forgive yourself for it and those around you for doing it... and do some real thinking. You'll be surprised what you can come up with once it's completely out of your system.

Peace,
Jenna

Liars

2008-10-23T03:52:00.000-07:00

We all do it from time to time for different reasons. We lie. We lie on applications, to bosses (cough, cough... I'm sick), to lovers (no no, I've never felt like this before), etc. We lie. We do it for selfish reasons. I've done it. I'm sure everyone else on this planet has done it too.

I'm tired of it. I was lied to last night. Sadao's been sick the past few days. Yesterday we found out he had a fever. So I went and got him some Gatorade and tried to make sure he was comfortable. He said he needed to stay bundled up and sweat this out. I agreed.

We had some people over as well because it was Travis' birthday. Travis cooked (it's what he wanted to do) and it was really good. So I settled down to watch a movie and chill out before bedtime. After our guests left, Sadao comes out dressed to leave. He said he was going out with Travis to finish celebrating his birthday. I protested that saying that his fever just broke and that he shouldn't be going out. He wouldn't listen to me. Kept saying it was a bunch of nonsense and that he was fine.

He said they were going over to a friend's house (someone they just met online 10 minutes before he was a "friend") and would only be there a couple of hours. Said he wasn't going to spend the night or anything like that. Mind you, he has the car we share for all this. I said, "Well, okay, I think it's a mistake and that you shoudl let yourself get better... but I don't know your body or how you heal so I'll go with whatever you say there."

I was pissed at myself for getting involved again. I put my emotions out there and I was disrespected again. Gave him the benefit of the doubt, tho, and told him to be careful. That was at 11:00 p.m. last night.

This morning, I woke up at 6 a.m. The car is still not home. I sent him a text message saying, "Just a couple of hours, eh? You're a liar and you're fired." I am through with it. I'm through with taking any promise he makes as real. His actions speak volumes and so far they do nothing for me and it is far underweighing what I do for him. Will I still be his friend? Of course. He still makes me laugh and smile. But will I trust him anymore? Nope. Not for a long long time... if ever again. We shall see.

The lies have to stop.

Fun at Work

2008-10-22T12:43:00.000-07:00

Yes, you read that right. Here's the setup:

A new developer here, we'll call him Carlos for that is his name, asked to give a presentation on UML and the benefits it would have for us as developers. Being a veteran developer, the concepts presented were nothing really new... it's flowcharts for the object-oriented crowd.

Anyway, the idea is that with UML you can describe and design anything and everything about a system. The first demonstration was about a logger ... not the kind that involves chopping down trees but the kind that logs activity like events, input, output, exceptions, etc. Pretty dry stuff. Almost put me to sleep.

Then they switched to the animal kingdom. Danger Will Robinson. The choices made were a bit too pure and I fell for the whole setup.

They talked about having a dog object that would inherit from a general animal object. Then also on a deeper level to describe the dog object, one would desribe properties like legs. So there would also be a leg object which would also have ties to other objects like cats, etc.

About that time was when Carlos said it... "and using UML we can then describe the natural relationship between a dog and a leg." That was enough for me. I lost it. I couldn't contain myself. I blurted out with laughter in the middle of the conference room, prompting my co-worker Jose to do the same thing. As I looked around the room I saw everyone but my boss got the joke. Later I found out that my boss had gotten the joke but apparently was a little irritated that I blew up in the middle of the conference.

I couldn't help it! The images got the better of me and that's all she wrote!

Since my other co-worker informed me of my boss's displeasure, I've had mixed feelings about the event now. I guess I should have "maintained my composure" but good God... no amount of money and no job in the world is worth not being able to laugh.

I really wish the world could lighten up. It would be a much better place, really.

Peace,
Jenna

Confessions

2008-10-22T11:24:00.001-07:00

Okay... I have a confession to make. I think girls are hot. There, I said it. I wasn't supposed to, but I did. I don't know what happened, how it happened, or why... but somewhere the swich got flipped. It's strange that when I was 100% male I had little to no interest in the whole guy-girl thing with me in the masculine role. I didn't even have interest in the guy-guy thing with me in a masculine (read TOP) role. Since sometime after my surgery, I've begun to experience genuine attraction for the fairer sex. I'm not talking about sex... although the concept does intrigue me. I'm talking about actually feeling a connection there.

Maybe I just don't like to be at odds with my lover ... and yet apparently we have to be in order to make it work. That just doesn't make sense to me! Well, it does from a binary-polarity-system idea... male, female, black, white, on, off, left, right... one must have the opposing force in order to be complete. Two halves of the same whole, right?

So what the hell? I seriously think a female-to-male transsexual is the right choice for me, somehow. It would make perfect sense, wouldn't it? I dunno. It's just confusing as all hell sometimes. I try not to think about it but I have a lot of time on my hands.

At any rate... here are some famous women that I find attractive and why.

Michelle Clunie - Played Melanie Marcus on Queer as Folk. She's a tough-as-nails lesbian that doesn't take crap from anyone. She's got a beautiful body, smart, beautiful smile... but has that fire in her eyes that just supercharges my interest. *sigh* ... the girl who plays Lindsey, on the other hand, is a total basketcase and wimp... more like me, I'll admit.

Angelina Jolie - It's a recurring theme here, no? Again tough, brilliant, witty, beautiful, charming.

Claudia Black - Played Aeryn Sun on Farscape. How could anyone not love this woman? She'd be a pain in the ass, but in the sack and in the realm of love... a fierce lover, protector and nurturer.

Beth Massi - The only non-actress on my list. I first learned of her through my friend Jose. Beth used to work for the same company I work for now. She got fed up and left before I ever got there. She now works at Microsoft. I've seen videos of her doing interviews with other VB.NET team members at Microsoft and I've read her blog. I've experienced code she's written at GiftRAP. She's absolutely brilliant, funny, fun-loving, and apparently stubborn and hot-headed. Pure magic in her smile, too.

But alas, these are not meant to be for me since they all have their own lives far away from me, etc. most of them married lives. But I can't deny the attraction. I spent the night with a guy two days ago and although it was fun and I definitely got my freak on... I still find it less stimulating than the exchanges Twink and I used to have. (Twink is another one I would put on my list).

I don't understand it. I can't qualify or explain it. The only thing I can think to describe it is that these people bring out facets of my personality that I absolutely adore to express... but don't have the opportunity to in a world where I have to be so damned amenable. Steven put it best... he wanted someone to fight with. It's crazy! But it's true. Someone you can spar with that can take everything you can dish out... and for whom you can take everything they dish out too. Between the two of you, you know that nothing can take the others' place and that in no way would you ever do anything to really harm the other.

But it can't only be like that. There has to be warm and fuzzy, cuddly lovey times too. The perfect balance between these concepts is established between two people who truly love each other. You feel safe enough to trust that they won't throw the punch that kills you and they won't walk away from you in the middle of a good fight... or a good love.

So... I'm not sure what to do now... but wait and see what God has in store for me. I can only say this tho... it'll be someone extraordniary, that's for sure!

Peace,
Jenna

The Previous 24

2008-10-21T16:12:00.001-07:00

So, the last 24 hours has been interesting, to say the least. For the first time in a couple years, I had a date last night. Picked me up at about 8:30 and we went to Applebee's for a couple drinks and then out to the beach. I won't go into the details about what happened as it's too personal for an open blog like this (yes Samara, I'll write about it in my private journal), but I think it's sufficient to say that I had a wonderful time! Even if I never see him again, I will hold the memory of last night until I die. :D

Naturally, I was in a pretty good mood at work today. I managed to get two big things resolved at the office today, for which I'm blissfully thankful for! I felt a weird vibe today at the office and had to get my feelings confirmed or denied by my boss. It was the same vibe I had just before I was let go at Radixx. Fortunately I was completely off-base. There's a lot of concern about our next release for some reason.

I'll never understand why we as human beings get all bent out of shape over doing something we love doing, getting paid for it, and then getting paid more to keep doing it even better than before. It's the whole "meeting expectations" thing. But I would think that if people are happy with the product, there's really no need to make such grand expectations and then horsewhip people into doing meeting them. A much better model is to encourage the growth, development and excitement of the application rather than set high expectations that have to be met... OR ELSE.

I'd rather be happy with what I have and then be pleasantly surprised by a new version of a product than deal with "regular releases" that have been forced into production without adequate testing or thought. That leads to bugs and problems and all kinds of stupidity.

Anyway, I was in a pretty good mood when I got home. I went in to chat with Sadao but he's apparently in a mood because when I made a fun-loving comment about what he was doing (browsing a gay website) I got the "mind-yer-own-business" attitude. Well, that always results in the same response from me... which is to shut down and leave him alone.

I really wish I could meet someone that was a) interested in me physically and b) could spar mentally with me without taking it so seriously. It would be so much fun! I guess it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, eh? (then it's friggin' hysterical).

I got two other parties possibly interested in the house this week. I'm going to meet one of them this weekend. Hopefully, with time, money, blood, sweat, tears and patience (LOTS of patience) I can finally get this albatross off my neck.

Anyway, just a quick update since I didn't have time to do that earlier.

Peace,
Jenna

Cooler Head

2008-10-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

Okay... I've cooled off a little bit since my last post. After really thinking this through I can see that I'm in the same position with Sadao as Rob was in with me a few years ago.

When Rob and I were together, I had a habit of inviting friends over to party at our house. When problems came up (drama) I was unwilling to tell these people, to whom I had opened our home, to get the hell out. At one point, during the aftermath of one of these parties, I looked to Rob and he ordered the exodus of the party people ... or at least the ones causing the problem.

I understand now what Rob was feeling and thinking at that time. I invited these people. It was my home just as much as it was Rob's. If I had a problem with them, I should have kicked them out myself. It can be done in a nice way. Unfortunately it had to be done in a rather threatening way by that point. Cliques were created and a whole lot of he-said, she-said started going on. This is what I get for paying attention in school and not getting involved in high-school politics in high-school... they eventually caught up with me.

Now, I'm in the same situation but my role has changed. Now I'm the one looking at others taking far too much advantage of our hospitality... but I didn't send out the invitations this time. I'm wondering if history must repeat itself with me in Rob's role. Do I have to step in and lay down the law? It *is* my home too... so from one vantage point it would seem that I should. However, if I do all the work, then Sadao will not learn to do it for himself. Maybe he must learn it the same way I did. If that's the case, I fear that the relationship between Sadao and I will suffer for it. Then again, it might get stronger, who knows.

I'd like to point out that these are not "couple problems." In no way does my personal relationship with Rob bear any resemblance to my relationship with Sadao. Sadao and I are not a couple. These are situational problems that I just got away from... only to see them come knocking at my door again.

I've chosen to no longer expect Sadao or Travis to be able to contribute anything to the household monetarily. I accept that there are things they can and can not do and I've taken to calling them family, so that's that. Now, I would just ask that they help protect what's ours and not leave it open for theives ... even theives who are pretty, nice, funny, and all-around fun people to be around. (wink)

Peace,
Jenna

ARGH!

2008-10-20T08:08:00.001-07:00

"You do too much!" "You're not helping!" ARGH!

Why can't people just take care of themselves? WHY?! Why can't they see the world around them and handle their own business? Why do we let depression and self-pity take control of our actions?! It makes me so mad!!

My roommate gets SO cranky and maudlin in the mornings. He's sick right now, so it's double-trouble. Meanwhile, I'm trying to focus on things that will keep my spirits light and my energies focused on what needs to be done. And yet that disgusting little monster called depression always finds it's way to my door through someone I care about. I'm sick of it!

Is the answer to stop caring? Should I just stop giving a shit about other people and mind my own business? That's what Twink would suggest. How much depressing BS can one person take before they just tell everyone to shut the hell up and start doing something about their lives?

Yes... yes, I'm not much of one to talk here. I've been in the grip of the monster too. It's held me back from being all that I can be in the past and it will probably try to find another avenue of attack against me at it's earliest convenience. Before, I would let it rule over me and guide my actions. I would let it strangle me into giving up so much of myself until there was almost nothing left. Now, it's just making me angry and it would seem that all the kindness in the world will not defeat it.

This is a case where Love MUST become tough. It must bear the brunt of the onslaught of negativity and stand stalwart against it. It makes me cringe, though. I never know whether or not the person within the grips of the monster will see for themselves that I am not against THEM... but THAT which HAS them. I can feel the desire to fight welling up within me... and it is not a fight with my friends... it's a fight with the monster itself.

The sins of self. I'm not talking about taking care of one's self and being true to one's self. I'm talking about putting one's self in a position to demand pity or praise for their situation or actions. We do what we do because we are led to do it. Just be sure what's leading you is right for you. If it's not, then take action to change it... and fast... before it sucks the very life out of you.

I know how my roommate felt now when he had to deal with my battle with the monster. I understand his love for me moreso now than I did before. This monster is a tricky little bastard. He can use just about anything to keep us from seeing eye-to-eye and sharing our love with one-another... it goes on around us all the time... all over the world... between people and nations... and it's being doing it for several millennia.

I pray for the strength and endurance to withstand the crap and see past the bullshit into my friend's eyes... and to help him see himself the way I do... the way God sees him. So that he might see that his burden is not so heavy as he thinks... and that he has nothing to fear.

Pray for us, please.

Peace,
Jenna

Secret Agent Super Drag Queen

2008-10-17T06:21:00.000-07:00

I'll get to the subject of this entry in a minute. First, I'm gonna talk about this blog.

Well, okay... my "blog" is more like a "journal" or "diary." Let's consider where "blog" comes from. It's a shortened version of Weblog... which is just a conjunctive word made up of web and log. The web is slang for the World Wide Web. Log, in this context, is similar to a chronological list of activities. So, it's a time-dated list of things and the list is stored on the web somewhere. Yay!

Well, to me, a log is something that say... a ship's captain would keep. It might also be a list of activities that are done by someone in their job. Basically, it's action auditing. So, since this is more of a collection of feelings, advice and esoteric notions than it is activities (yes, these things are based on actions) I guess it's more of a journal. I would use LiveJournal for this... but it sucks. Moving on.

There once was an old movie called "Secret Agent Super Dragon" ... it was basically a child's view of what being a super spy must be like ... but played out by obviously adult actors. The worst James Bond movie times ten. Anyway, Joel and the Bots from Mystery Science Theater 3000 took it on and comedy history was made with the line "I'm a naughty little cheesy blintz!" Yeah, you'll have to see it to understand it.

At any rate, this was one of my favorites when the show was on the air. The epitome of ridiculousness and the good sense to make fun of it. Well, I found it out at FYE last night in a collection with 3 other MST3K movies. $60 was the price of my nostalgic happiness. Yes, I could have used that for just about anything else that would further my life. But I really needed a mighty dose of the good stuff last night.

Watching it last night, I realized how really nuts the main character was about his appearance, presence and cockiness. Considering what I know about drag queens (which is a lot, trust me on this one), I can safely say that anyone that would call themselves super dragon could (and probably should) be classifed as a drag queen.

I'm considering remaking that movie shot-for-shot with a drag queen as the main character. It would actually make a lot more sense that way, I think.

Anyway... moving on.

I'm looking forward to working on resurrecting iamjenna.com this weekend. I have ideas for the project now that are burning me up with motivation! Everything on my site was completely original. From the code that ran the site to all the content for the site (videos, pictures, writings and music). Is it posisble that this old queen still has some creativity buried deep within her like a neanderthal trapped in a block of ice? Yes, I think it is. :) For I *am* Secret Agent Super Drag Queen. :)

Peace,
Jenna

Sally Fields Moments

2008-10-16T12:21:00.000-07:00

It's funny how one small thing can motivate me to get moving on something when mountains of other things, usually much larger in size or imperative, will generate nothing more than a staunch resistance to progress.

Shortly after my last post, Samara O'Shea sent me an e-mail thanking me for mentioning her book. I certainly wasn't expecting a thank-you and it shook me up a little. Now, yes, I know, we're all humans on the same planet, our similarities are more abundant than our differences, etc. blah blah blah... so nothing should really surprise me anymore. But the unexpected will never cease to surprise us. I think that's part and parcel to the meaning of "unexpected."

At any rate, she said she was looking forward to following my blog. As odd as this might sound, it struck a little fear in my heart. What on Earth did I really have to be afraid of? Nothing. But still, I found myself digging through my blog looking for things that I wanted to say then but am now not so sure I still want to say that I said them. I felt like a teenager, hastily straightening up my room before a friend arrived. This, in a nutshell, is motivation.

While in the throes of wondering what the hell I've said over the past few months, I re-read what's at the top of my blog:

Here you'll find tales of my journeys through life. Regardless of what they mean to me or anyone else, the facts remain that they occurred and they are hereby recorded for anyone bored enough to read through it. I am a post-operative male-to-female transsexual, a software developer, a musician, a geek of the highest order... but more basic that that... just another lonely, confused human on this planet... and these are my stories.

Had I really talked about any of that stuff in my blog? *shrug* Beats me. But now it seems I've come to a cross-roads again. I recall having a website called iamjenna.com ... one that I really wish ... ... ...

Okay... once again, happy weirdness abounds. I interrupted my own entry here to go check on something and it completely changed where all this is going. I was about to reminisce about my old site and how motivated I was with it, and how I gave it up and then couldn't get it back... ptooey!

I just checked... the domain name is available again. Well... not any more right now! I just snatched it back from the jaws of death. W00t! It was being held up by one of those "This doman name is available for purchase from our stinky company" things and so I figured I'd never see it again. Things are oddly coming together!

Well, before I start affecting the internet and the lives around me too much more (who knows, I might affect time itself soon), I'm going to close this entry and reflect on the miraculousness of this event. More later, apparently!

Note To Self

2008-10-16T05:58:00.000-07:00

I picked up a book yesterday which I have the feeling is going to be a fun read. It's by Samara O'Shea and it's called "Note To Self: On Keeping a Journal and Other Dangerous Pursuits." It's basically writings from this woman's journal's accompanyed with how writing in her journal because theraputic and empowering for her. I'm actually considering this book as a gift for a friend of mine. I think she would really enjoy it and identify with some of what the writer has said. I just got through the introducion and already I'm hooked. :)

No further progress on getting the house in Orlando sold yet. I'm not sure when/if that will happen at this point.

I might have a date soon. !!shock!! We'll see... he's a boat captain and ... wow... I just thought about that just now. Well, anyway, he's a boat captain and he tried to jump in the sack with me from day one but I disappointed him there. However, he hasn't run away yet either so I'm just gonna wait and see how this works out. One thing I know for certain... I'll not be one of "those" at "every port" kinda girls.

In other news, my roommates and I continue to irritate, confuse, worry and uplift each other like some strange, eclectic, dysfunctional family. Sadao might have picked up a DJ gig for us in May (MAY!... wtf?!) at a school. Travis is still jobless and I am sleepless.

On the up side... Jay said I'd get a massage today. That's happy since my neck, shoulders and back are killing me today.

Anyway... more later.

A Sense of Perspective

2008-10-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

I've been a little down on myself for my job performance. I've been feeling like I've really not been performing well since there are some work items that I just haven't been able to get to and other work items have been taking me longer than predicted.

A thought occurred to me to actually do some metrics tho, just for grins.

I was hired at this company to write in Visual Basic.NET 2008. Up until August 8th, that's what I was doing. On July 25th (or perhaps shortly before) they switched me to start learning and working on a 4 year old application written in Visual FoxPro. I had never touched VFP code in my life... didn't know the language at all.

The work items are all recorded as needing just a few hours to complete. That's been my stumbling block.

But here's the facts... and they are indisputable:

I've been a VFP developer for just under 12 weeks now (83 days to be precise). I've completed code for 13 work items in that time. I'd say that 13 work items completed by an "entry level developer" in a language they've never seen before on an application with 4 years of history and changes is pretty darned good. Maybe I'm being a little precocious, but I guess I do deserve a little slack, after all.

So.... thhhppptptptptpttpp to those stupid feelings of depression.

:)

Peace,
Jenna

What are you anyway?

2008-10-11T05:57:00.000-07:00

I wrote this as a response to a question on TS Dating where someone had asked what a real TS is since he had found so many "fakers" on the site. There was a lot of "yeah! there ARE a lot of fakers!" going on in response and I had to step in and say something for those whose voices were not being heard. I guess I just can't get rid of the Superman gene no matter how hard I try.

This is going to be a rather lengthy post and I apologize to those out there with short attention spans. Try to stick with it, tho, as you are able.

To answer the question from a grammatical/definitive angle, here's what dictionary.com has to say about it:

noun
1. a person who has undergone a sex change operation [syn: transsexual]
2. a person whose sexual identification is entirely with the opposite sex [syn: transsexual]

I'm not about to go on about what one is supposed to be beyond that other than to say this: Look at women in life. There are ALL kinds. To assume that there is only ONE kind of transexual would be just as heinous as saying there's only one kind of woman or one kind of man.

Looking back, I can see that for me, personally, the physical journey of transition was to make the outer body image match the inner body image. It was so that when I look into the mirror, I don't see a stranger's face. That's me, personally.

I absolutely laud and lift up those who make changes in their lives to bring about their own happiness as long as it does not bring physical harm to another creature on God's Green Earth.

Mental & Emotional harm are definitely nothing to dismiss, however I can personally attest to the ability of a strong mind to only become stronger through this kind of torture.

Before my surgery, I sought division between the gender expressions. I looked down my nose at anyone who was not serious about surgical reassignment and considered them fake, shallow, only about sex, and treated people... human beings... with a holier-than-thou attitude. I was righteous and they were scum. I was goal-oriented, centered, focused and deliriously happy with myself and my friends who all agreed with me.

After my surgery, I went through a period of depression the likes of which I had never before experienced. I sought out a group of friends that were "gender normal" but accepted all humans thinking that I could finally fit in to the society I so desperately wanted to be a part of in the role that I wanted to play.

The problem is, my secret was discovered and became known throughout my group of friends. Suddenly, I was an enemy... not because I had changed my gender, but because I had lied to them. With love and patience, they got over it... but I had a great struggle with it, personally. In the end, I lost my lover of 10 years, my house, my job and eventually all the friends I had made prior to surgery, and those after my surgery.

It has taken me a VERY long time to recuperate from all this. To be able to stand up to ANYONE who asks the questions and say, "Yes, you're right, I didn't *NEED* to change. There was nothing wrong with me before. And there's nothing wrong with me now, either."

Look at us... all of us... Normies, CDs, TVs, TSs, GQs, DQs, whatever the label... take a really GOOD look. We are all those who stand up to a society that says, "You must live like this" and we respond with a healthy, "Hell No, We Won't GO!" attitude. That's incredible! That's something to celebrate! The more division we create, the worse things gets. It requires more legislation, more definition, more and more and more and more ... red tape and bullshit.

Live and Let Live isn't a personal motto. It's a motto for ALL people.

I bring this to you as an honest, loving warning about what hate for love's sake can bring to one's life. Someone else's way may not be your way, but if it's making them happy and not hurting another in the process, let them have their life their way.

Henry David Thoreau said it very poetically:

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears , however measured or far away."

Peace,
Jenna

The One

2008-10-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

So once again, I'm gonna post something that I wrote on a different site first. On the TSDating site, one of the girls decided to start a threat about what we girls looked for in a man. She began to describe her soul-mate's qualities and was told that she'd probably not find that here. I had to chime in, of course, and this is what I wrote. (removed the names tho)

K******,

Yeah, I hear ya. And A******, you might be right. But the topic's pretty valid I think. I think it's different for everyone, too. Some people are comfortable in a cottage while others need a mansion.

So why not keep the thread going anyway. Personally, I'm fairly self-sufficient. I've had to be. I've learned that I can do without a lot more than I thought I do without.

I've had many companions throughout my life so far. In most cases we swore to stick with each other to the end even though it didn't happen. That was usually because the definition of what was required to stick together became different than what the definition was when we got started. Funny how that works.

For me, my life-long companion will be someone who doesn't need me for anything ... and I won't need them for anything either. We will be the best of friends that WANT to be with each other, not need. We will WANT to let each other experience life the way we each need to for ourselves and then WANT to share those experiences with each other, keep each other company, keep each other from having to sleep alone, etc. There will be no expectations and complete trust.

That person will also be someone that will be beyond reproach. If someone tries to tell me something "negative" about my companion, it won't make me wonder or bring me doubt. It will be a ridiculous notion to me because of my love and trust for that person. That person will be my life-long love for I will never be proven otherwise even with insurmountable evidence to the contrary. There will be a reason for any "curious activity" that he or she does which will become evident with time.

I can safely say that because I firmly believe that man can not separate those who are truly brought together in Love.

As far as other things like physicalities and personality... what I look for is written right on my profile. I may be so blessed that my life-long companion fits my physical needs too. But then again, I might not. I might become a paraplegic or become blind or something that takes one or more of the physical joys away from me.

But the life-companion or soul-mate is what I seek. I doubt I'll find them here. I may have already found them and just can't see it for myself yet. Life has a funny way of changing when you least expect it, so do yourself a favor and live it with joy and without regret or concern about "the one" for you. That person is out there somewhere, wondering the same thing right now.

Peace,
Jenna

I think that pretty much sums it up. On a personal/selfish note... I hope I'm right about having already met that person. Because there's someone I miss a lot.

Peace,
Jenna

A Dissertation on Love

2008-10-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

God... don't I ever talk about anything else? Well, no, not really.

So, I'm this dating website called TSDating.com. The site's okay... but the people are top-notch. One girl had a question about the phrase "The Best Of Both Worlds" and what it meant. There were LOTS of comments and a great discussion came about from it. I felt compelled to write on it myself and then felt compelled to share it here:

From my own experience... I've been:

1. Attracted to girls as a guy.
2. Attracted to guys as a guy.
3. Attracted to guys as a girl.
4. Attracted to girls as a girl.

5. ... ... so far I've been staying within my own species.

Looking back, the one thing I've seen in common with ALL of these cases was how we felt about each other as people and how we complemented each others' lives so well.

A line from Debbie on Queer As Folk comes to mind... "Gender is just God's way of accessorizing."

Honestly, if you have the chemistry, you can work out the physics involved and then both partners have the best of each others' worlds, in my opinion.

I've often thought that perhaps the "Best of Both Worlds" meant that I was already complete and requiring nothing more. At the time, that felt very lonely to me. It was almost a "write-off" as if to say "Well, you don't really need anything else, you've got the best of both worlds... so just go have fun."

But nobody NEEDS anyone else. We CAN all survive in this world without companionship. So I found it to be a rather irritating statement when spoken from that aspect because it implied exclusion rather than inclusion.

The point is, we can choose to accept comments such as this one as admiration or as sarcasm or as anything we want. I've learned, for myself, to judge the spirit that is present when things are said, rather than what was actually said. If the spirit is good and light-hearted, there is nothing to fear. If the spirit is not, then other reactions will arise.

I guess I didn't answer the question much other than to say that for me, it depends on who said it and how they said it before I can make a judgment call. It's more of a feeling than a knowing.

Peace,
Jenna

I guess what I'm saying here is... Love is. Sometimes it falls apart... sometimes it comes back together. Sometimes it acknowledges boundaries (why... I have NO clue)... and sometimes it just overflows. Anyway, just thought I'd share that.

Peace,
Jenna

Revelations and Re-Visions

2008-10-02T06:51:00.000-07:00

Phew... yesterday was interesting.

Last night I got a call from someone I didn't expect to hear from. She and I have had an interesting past together. She sent me an e-mail that I finally realized was a "Thank You" note. She described how her view on life, enemies, friends, etc. had changed based on the experiences we had shared. They had changed for the better for her. I had been looking at from a very selfish viewpoint up until then. This time, I let God show me what she was saying. It would be an understatement to say that I was moved. I realized that although our experiences had been fraught with despicable actions toward each other, we had both learned so much from the experience that it was beyond our ken at the time to see what the purpose of it was.

I thank God for finally revealing to me the reason for the "shortcut" through the wilderness ... it didn't feel like a shortcut at the time... but I know that based on the direction I was heading before I met her, it would have taken me a MUCH LONGER time to figure it out.

It's hard to know when we're being selfish sometimes. What is taught is not always learned as it was intended to be learned.

On another note, I found that I'm going to have quite the task ahead of me regarding the house in Orlando. Apparently one of the bathrooms is in dire need of cleaning... the fridge still has food in it... and the back door lock has been broken (which means there might have been homeless people in the house at some point... only God knows what I might find there). So I'm leaving for Orlando EARLY on Saturday to get to the house in plenty of time to review it and take care of some things before the realtor gets there. I should also have had the lawn resolved before then, too.

Lastly, I was given a tiny revelation today. Last night I stopped Amadeus (Travis' cat) from killing a mouse in the driveway. But I apparently didn't notice the other mouse. I found it this morning. I know that in the wild, the mouse acts as food for the cat. I know it's nature. But I have a soft spot for all God's creatures great and small.

While I was thinking about this, I was reminded of a passage in Isaiah, chapter 11, verse 6:

"And the wolf will dwell with the lamb, And the leopard will lie down with the young goat, And the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; And a little boy will lead them."

I was thinking last night that this was something we were to achieve here on Earth. Then I remembered Luke 12:51:

"Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division."

I thought about this and realized that the wolf dwelling with the lamb was symbolic for the peace that death provides us... when we are all truly equal again. It is not for us to change the nature that God (in His infinite wisdom) has put in motion. He knew that through conflict we would become stronger and would understand the nature of that strength and when to use it. I never liked conflict, but I understand it's purpose now.

I find it slightly humorous that I took several trips via mind-expanding substances to find the answers to life, existence, behavior, etc. only to come full circle and re-discover the words written years ago as they were meant for me to read. Now I just need to get a Bible again.

Peace,
Jenna

Beat the Clock

2008-10-01T07:39:00.000-07:00

Well, technically, the clock has already beaten me. But I might still have a chance.

Basically, I'm trying to get rid of a house in Orlando (not an easy task these days). My mortgage company is not very pleased with me (to say the least) but they're being a little understanding given some of the crap I've been going through lately.

Anyway... I have a realtor now who specializes in short sales. I've also left messages for a couple of lawn-care companies who can hopefully get the lawn in order. I'm meeting with the realtor on Saturday to discuss what we can do.

If I don't get a sale on the house in 90 days, Countrywide will let me do a deed-in-lieu. But until then, I have to try to get the house sold. Not an easy task by any means. This house has already affected my credit now for the past 7 months (yay!) so I'm gonna be hip-deep in this for a while. But, sometimes healing takes a while (as I mentioned before).

Anyway, hopefully there's still enough time to get out from under this house without the bank smashing my nads completely. We'll see.

Keep Learning and Understanding

2008-09-30T11:49:00.000-07:00

Letting go isn't the easiest thing to do, it seems.

As Sting would sing, "If you love someone, set them free."

Do I believe that? Yes... but that makes love hurt like all hell. It's never easy to look at someone you love and do what's good for them when it breaks your own heart doing it. Although for some people, it appears to be easier than for others.

For me, it's heart-wrenching. It puts you in that realm where you don't know what the ultimate outcome will be and you have to have faith and trust in something you really believe in.

"Should I stay or should I go?"

There's give and take in any relationship... whether it be with a lover, a family member or a friend. Sometimes I get my wires crossed about which is which. Sometimes the same person can cause my heart to leap for joy and sometimes shatter it into a million and one pieces.

Why do we do it? Why put ourselves through the rollercoaster? Because the good times are just that good, my friend. My mother taught me that not too long ago. Despite some of the personal hurt and heart-wrenching moments she had with my father, the good times with him far outweighed the bad times in quantity and quality.

When others are quarreling, we can see the issue itself without respect to the sides being taken emotionally by those within the "contest." We can see the outside forces affecting each of them and understand why the emotions and sensitivities are so pronounced when they can not. But when we ourselves are under the same pressure, we often can not see it for ourselves and become embroiled within our own needs. It takes someone with great presence to look outside their own self and see themselves through another person's eyes.

Sometimes there are things we simply can not live with. We might try to live with it... perhaps through understanding of situations simply because we ourselves were once in the same situation. However, sometimes seeing another go through that is too much to bear. We all have our breaking points, no matter what we might say.

There have been many times I have looked back and truly admired my friends and loved ones for the restraint they showed in admonishing me or correcting my behavior... simply because they knew that the best way for me to learn was through experience. But there have also been times when I wondered why they weren't firmer with me given the fact that they knew where I was going.

But one can never be truly free until they've been allowed to make their own mistakes in life... sometimes more than once. Figuring out when to hold back and when to put one's foot down is the hard part. But I'll never make it to where I want to be unless I figure it out for myself, accept it and stand by it for better or for worse, without compromise.

Yes, I agonize over forks in the road. I shouldn't have to, really. I've been down some of these roads before and therefore know where they lead. This should make it much easier to pick the OTHER path. I pray for that wisdom and courage every day of my life. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't.

But through it all, I know that I am learning, even if just a little bit each day. I look forward to when life finally speeds up on me and the gray hair flows in the breeze.

Peace,
Jenna

Takes a Little TIme

2008-09-30T06:42:00.000-07:00

This song really ministered to my spirit this morning. Amy Grant's "Takes a Little Time"

It takes a little time sometimes
To get your feet back on the ground
It takes a little time sometimes
To get the titanic turned back around
It takes a little time sometimes
But baby you're not going down
It takes more than you've got right now
Give it time

What's this walking thru my door
I know I've seen the look before
Sometimes in faces on the street
Sometimes in the mirror looking back at me
You can't fix this pain with money
You can't rush a weary soul
You can't sweep it under the rug, now honey
It dont take a lot to know
(chorus)

Now it may not be over by morning
But rome wasn't built in a day
You can name this thing a thousand times
But it wont make it go away
Let me put my arms around you
And hold you while you weep
We've been talking and talking
I'm sick of this talk
And it's nothing that wont keep
(chorus)

No you cant fix this pain with money
You can't rush a weary soul
You can't sweep it under the rug now honey
It don't take a lot to know
(chorus)

Thanks Sis

2008-09-28T06:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm getting ready to leave for church. Yup! I'm gonna check out the MCC Church in Palm Beach Gardens today. I want to see if it's Spirit-filled or just going through the motions.

I want to publicly thank my sister in Christ, Stacy for giving me a TON of music a while back. Most of it was Christian Rock and stuff I listened too when I was in my teens and twenties. We're talkin' Petra. :) Their songs are so uplifting and it's definitely cool water for me after a long dry spell in my life!

So thank you, Stacy. :) I love you and miss you!

Peace,
Jenna

Hmm...

2008-09-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally worked up the courage to do something. I called someone today who had been a close friend of mine back in my camp counseling days. Unfortunately, he was busy but suggested I call back at around 5:30 ... which I plan to do.

I, briefly, had the chance to tell him who I was now and who I was then... but I could sense the impatience and perhaps a little bit of shock over the phone. I am wondering if he will actually be there to answer the phone when I call back. The reason I say that is because he didn't say goodbye... he said, "Okay, Sir." and hung up.

Sir?? Now, he and I had a falling out, it's true. I want to apologize to him for all that and let him know that I've asked for God's forgiveness... knowing what I was going through at that time in trying to find "acceptance." But even so, I wasn't expecting "Sir." Maybe he was simply trying to display a manner of decorum at work... I don't know... I mean he owns the place so I would think he could do and say whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. But then, what do I know... not much... it's been over 16 years since we spoke last.

If it wasn't important to me... if he wasn't someone important to me in my life, I wouldn't bother. Regardless of the outcome, I will leave it all in God's hands I guess and see where it goes. I could be completely misreading it or I could be right-on-the-money with my estimation. Either way, I can only pray that God's will be done here. Maybe he just needs to yell at me for a bit. And if so, then I'll let him.

Pray for me. Pray for him. Just Pray.

Weekend Preparations

2008-09-26T08:16:00.000-07:00

Well, the day to commerate another year on this planet is almost here. Yes, tomorrow is the day celebrating my entrance to this world. So I'm beginning to think about what to do. Alcohol will most certainly be involved.

I think the plan is just to relax and enjoy... maybe go to the beach... probably get dolled up and go out to Rebar in the evening... see if I can get a few free drinks. ;)

Sunday I'm going to check out the MCC church here on the Treasure Coast. It's in Palm Beach Gardens, which takes about an hour to get to. Services aren't until 11 a.m. (thankfully) so I don't have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to get there on time. What am I hoping to find there? The Spirit.

Something I miss terribly in my life is fellowship with others in The Spirit of God. I have met many people that are troubled and lost and desperately need The Spirit in their lives. My trip home to Indiana was an eye-opener... reminding me what it's like to commune with those who are also Spirit-filled. I'm hoping that this church will have the vibrations of Love in it. My own strength and understanding of it is great, however I know now that it's not enough and I need to get refueled every now and then.

Other than that... whatever we do will be on the cheap! Finances are tight right now, thanks to the unexpected trip to Indiana. But it don't take a whole lot of money to have a good time. :) Just need to be in one accord... (if you can all squeeze in one... they're kinda small).

Peace,
Jenna

Tired...

2008-09-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

I'm freakin' tired today. I think it's mainly from dreaming a LOT last night. I know that perception of "real" time is subjective at that point, but I can tell you I was really active in my dreams last night. I had two that I can recall.

In one, I was in college and the electricity went out while I was trying to wash clothes to be ready for school. By the time the electricity came on, it was too late to get the laundry done and get to class on time. So I went in a towel (and pantyhose for some weird reason).

As you can imagine, it turned into a naked-at-school dream. There were two aspects of this dream that were interesting to me. First, I was female in the dream. I used to have dreams as a boy being turned into a girl. Then I was having dreams as a girl (this was all pre-transition). After my surgery I started having male dreams again. Now, recently, I'm having dreams as a female again. I think this represents a shift in my thinking (finally!).

Second, I was VERY comfortable with myself being naked in the dream. This was new. Here's what the dream dictionary had to say about that:

"For a small percentage of you, dreaming that you are proud of your nakedness and show no embarrassment or shame, then it symbolizes your unrestricted freedom. You have nothing to hide and are proud of who you are. The dream is about a new sense of honesty, openness, and a carefree nature."

The fact that it was in college:

"To dream that you are in college, indicates that you are going through some social or cultural changes. You may be wanting to expand your knowledge and awareness. It also suggest that now is a good time for you to experiment and try new things."

In my other dream, I was investigating a company that owned a huge skyscraper next to a dilapidated old mansion. They were trying to buy the land to destroy the old landmark. My co-worker, Jose, was in the dream too and was investigating the situation as well. Here are a few things the dream dictionary said about this imagery:

Coworker

"To see your coworkers in your dream, highlights aspects of your waking relationship with them, including difficulties/support. It signifies your ambition, struggles and competitive nature."

Mansion

"To see a mansion in your dream, symbolizes your greatest potential and growth. You may feel that your current situation or relationship is in a rut."

Skyscraper

"To see a skyscraper in your dream, represents your high ideals, creativity and imagination. You always aim high at whatever you do. It also suggests that you have great foresight."

Detective

"To dream that you are a detective, indicates that you are searching for your hidden abilities and talents. It also signifies that you are trying to solve a problem and seek the truth about an issue that is worrying you."

I find all these images to be very encouraging based on recent events in my life. With time, effort, determination and God's direction, I can change the course of my life to something much better for myself and others.

Peace,
Jenna

21 hours later

2008-09-22T06:28:00.000-07:00

It's 9:29 a.m., Monday morning... Sadao and I have been on the road for 21 hours. I took a break from the driving for most of Georgia, but other than that, I was the one behind the wheel.

I'm friggin' exhausted. Not sleepy exactly, although I know I could sleep right now. It's more just a wore out feeling. But anyway... whoever actually reads this... I'm typing this on my home computer so you know I made it home safely. As far as from here on out... well that's in God's hands.

Peace,
Jenna

The Return of Joy

2008-09-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

My father passed away exactly one week ago just after 7 p.m. EST. My brother Richard made the call to me in Florida and through his shaking voice, I felt the odd mixture of sorrow and joy all through my soul.

Since I came out to my parents as transsexual, my father has been my Champion. I've been a daddy's girl since even before I was a girl. The news of his passing was a pain through my heart in the knowledge that I would never again be able to hear his voice... however I felt the same relief that I know he felt when his suffering was finally over.

My father had a bad heart. About 6 years ago he went through a stress test which caused his heart to stop. Three hits from the paddles eventually brought him back to us for a few more years. When he died this year, it was from multiple heart attacks that eventually ended with his heart, literally, exploding in his chest.

I can't imagine the suffering he went through but I know it's because he was a fighter all his life. He fought for his life even up to the end. But he was also a lover, too, harboring the greatest love one can have on this Earth.

This past week has been difficult for me. It would take far too long to explain it all here, too. Over the past few years, several demons have made their home within my soul. The still small voice of God was still there, but I ignored it and listened to those demons that had encouraged my belief that I needed more than what God had to offer me.

Upon coming home, the battle for my father's soul had already been waged and completed. Apparently, my soul was next. I have felt the sorrow, the despair, the negativity, the anger and the hatred that can become attached to one's heart of hearts and had come to accept them as my only companions... even though the Love Eternal has always been there waiting for me to simply call upon It and through that power, bind them and force them out.

This morning, my mother led me in prayer and through her guidance, I found the strength to call on His name and release myself from the grip of the forces of darkness that had laid claim to my soul.

There's an old... I don't know if it's a poem of a story... called Footprints in the Sand. Today, I have looked back to see that there haven't been two sets of footprints in the sand for a very long time. But today, I can announce with unspeakable joy that I can see two sets again.

To my mother and my siblings, my nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles, cousins and relations of all sorts, and to those I call friend and to those I call enemy: I love you... but more importantly God loves you.

Love,
Jenna

Lost and Found

2008-09-11T13:12:00.001-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a fan of logic. The purest aspects of it dwindling down to two simple constructs... 1 and 0. On and Off. Good and Bad. Start and End.

But I'm also an intense fan of the understanding of how these things are related to each other and that they are in fact, the same thing as each other. Matter and Anti-Matter... both similar particles with the exception of the "spin" put on them.

They are all nothing more than constructs we observed and named. Where did they come from? Where are they going? These are physical questions. These are attempts at understanding the nature of life through flawed perceptions. Nothing exists until we observe it. It simply can not. Why is this true? Because without observation, there is no way to describe it. Without a description, there is no way to prove it's existence. Without proof, existence (in the classical definition) is impossible.

Yet we know things exist. Knowledge is dangerously comfortable. Knowledge is a profound high. It provides comfort at a level that just barely registers on a higher, more spiritual level. It's so surreptitious that we don't even realize how high we are, most of the time. But we are. We must be amazingly comfortable in this life to continue living it as we do.

The great part about all of this, in fact, is that as you are reading this, I am creating knowledge about knowledge. You may, or may not, be accepting of this. You may look at this and begin to wonder about the complexities or you may be there nodding your head in complete understanding of what I am saying.

Life is a series of moments. We go from one to the next, sometimes in search of something to get us to that next level. Sometimes we simply choose to go with the flow and see where it takes us, knowing that nothing really matters anyway. Either way, it is all as we observe (and therefore choose) it to be.

Now, I started this out talking about logic and how it all breaks down to 1s and 0s. But what I did not discuss was the nature of these 1s and 0s. Are they immutable? Can a 1 ever be a 0 or vise versa?

Well that, of course, all depends upon your definitions. But in the broader sense of things, I prefer to look at them as merely adjectives describing the state of things. A bit has the ability to be a 1 or a 0. A light can be on or off. These are the only choices available. In truth, they are the only choices available, period.

"Well, what about colors? " you might ask. All colors have been been, logically, broken down into sets of bits that when combined can produce a broader description. The more bits we add, the more variations of colors we are allowed to describe.

Given that this is the case. I offer the following ray of hope to all those who feel like life, or things in their lives, have got them down. The only option for change is always there. Once a light is on, it can be turned off and vice versa. What was lost, has no other option but to be found. What was bad, can only become good.

It is a binary universe by my reckoning. Flip the bits in the ways that work best for you. Only you know which way that is.

Peace,
Jenna

All Good Things?

2008-09-03T06:45:00.000-07:00

Ever heard the expression "All Good Things Must Come To An End"?

Yeah... ever really thought about that? Wouldn't that logically indicate that all bad things keep going? Hmm... The interesting thing is that there are always new good things starting. Somebody starts something new and thinks it's a good thing and then other people think it's a good thing and before you know it... it IS a good thing. But it's doomed before it ever got started because it's a good thing!

Yikes!

This poses an interesting situation. If God is Good... and All Good Things Must Come To An End... then eventually, God must come to an end. Then again, given that we're throwing definitions and logic and such around in such a haphazard manner here, exactly what is "an end?"

Maybe that's a good thing after all. Or perhaps, good things must become bad things in order to endure? I don't know. The logic of all these sayings and how they contradict each other in logic is beyond me. It seems that they're all just things we use to help us sleep at night. Some people even use that phrase to help them sleep at night. You know... you've pissed someone off either through your actions or your words and they say to you, "Well, I hope that helps you sleep at night."

They've just relieved their own conscience by stating their position and therefore can now sleep at night. I'd really REALLY like to meet someone who literally can't sleep at night... or whatever part of the day their night might be. It's all relative, I suppose.

Anyway, I guess if all good things must come to an end we should enjoy them for what they are while we have them and not mourn their passing but rather extol what we had when we had it, with the knowledge that new good things are ahead.

The only other option is to wallow in the fact that the good times are gone and not bother getting involved in any new good times since we already know they must come to an end, right?

Yeah... up and down, up and down. It is as it is. Shut up and tell me something I don't know, right? Well, most of it's been said and done now... so what's left? I guess I need grandchildren or something.

Peace,
Jenna

UPDATE: Actually, after re-reading this post, I realized that there was a flaw in my logic. Just because all good things must come to an end does not necessarily follow that all bad things don't. I can't assume that BadThing.End method doesn't exist. Perhaps GoodThing and BadThing are both instances of the Thing class and perhaps the Thing class has an End method with the "Must Inherit" modifier. This would make sense since I have definitely seen some bad things come to an end too.

This is a perfect example of Platonic Object Oriented Philosophy .... also known as POOP.

So it's not quite as bleak as I put it out there to be. My apologies!!

Settling In

2008-08-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, this could be a dangerous thing for me to do, given my track record, but I think I'm finally starting to settle in where I'm at. I'm getting more comfortable at work, with the language, the people and the industry. My life in Orlando finally seems to be showing definite signs of death now. I'm starting to take an interest in my personal issues (financial, health, image, etc.) again (specifically with the interest in overcoming them instead of succumbing to them). In short, things are starting to normalize and settle down a bit.

I can start to foresee a future where I have a little money in the bank, bills paid and in decent standing and still have a good job with great potential for improvement, learning and personal growth.

I have no love interest in my life and I often feel the torment of the nubile youths living with me (no, they're not jail-bait). So that can be a bit frustrating at times. But at the same time, I know that the relationship I do have with them is the best it can be without the "icing on the cake" as mom would call it.

It's hard to believe that after years of self-destructive behavior, I might finally be back on the track I once started years and years ago. It's hard to believe but the evidence is clear. I've started getting organized again, I've starting purging myself of things that remind me of times when I "didn't give a shit," and I've started to revive some of my dormant feelings of self again. In short, I think my mid-life crisis is finally coming to an end.

I've hurt a lot of people during this time. They hurt me too, of course. Who started it and who is to blame is pointless to discover now. It's more efficient, productive and healthier to simply acknowledge that act of the play and move on to the next one.

I can be hopeful that the next few acts will see the return of some of the more prominent characters from the previous acts... in a much healthier and happier form of course. Or at least a few cameos. But regardless, I know what to focus on for my future.

At any rate, I need to get back to work now. I'm learning Visual FoxPro 9.0. It's a curious union of OOP and RBase technologies. Yeah, I know it's a bit late to learn these things... but it's important to understand how the billing code is written in order to be prepared to convert it to .NET technologies. I'm looking forward to that project.

Peace,
Jenna

Truth or Paranoia! (Home Game, 5th Edition)

2008-08-21T12:13:00.000-07:00

"You're just being paranoid."

I hate that expression. I really do. To me, that's basically an off-hand dismissal and invalidation of one's feelings. Given what I'm being "paranoid" about, it can sometimes serve to make the feeling worse, actually. "Great... now I'm paranoid about being paranoid... thanks!"

My biggest fear is abandonment. I used to think my biggest fear was being alone. But I've lived alone before and did quite well. Through the process of elimination, I've narrowed it down now to abandonment. If I put my time and energy into something (or even someone), I don't want to be left behind. I'd rather not even have expended the energy in the first place. I know that at it's root, it's a personal security issue. If one is truly secure, it won't matter to them who enters or leaves their lives or what happens to all that they put their time and energy into.

So, just like the rest of the world, I'm a little "paranoid" ... but at least I'm willing to admit it ... even if I don't like the expression.

I've been left behind physically, mentally and emotionally by many different nouns (people, places and things) in this life. So much so that given my remembrances of living alone successfully, it's tempting to recreate that situation rather than allow myself to get too comfortable with someone (or something) too much. Heh... this is also considered a symptom of classic "fear of commitment."

This is not an abnormal or irrational fear. It's quite common. I think there's something intrinsic within us that lets us know when this fear is unfounded vs. times when it is not. In my experience, when it feels like the fear is justified, the general consensus of others, at that point, is to call it "paranoia."

So, okay, others seem to manage to get past this, somehow. I offer my parents as an example of this. They have been together for 55+ years now. Obviously they have overcome the fear of abandonment. Each one knows, intrinsically, that the other will be there for the rest of their lives.

Is it because they didn't take themselves or each other too seriously? After all, if one believes themselves or another to be of more value, then the potential for separation becomes clear. Why would someone stay with someone they consider less valuable than themselves? And why would someone stay with someone who considers themselves as less valuable? Value. That which is said to be priceless is the most precious and the most valuable. So therefore, it has infinite and no value simultaneously.

Maybe it's simply lack of experience. If you were treated well your entire life, you probably would never think anything other than good things. There would be nothing to fear and no reason for the paranoia. Hence the expression "Ignorance is Bliss." But for an explorer, an adventurer, ignorance is kin to stagnation and therefore death. It's almost as if we explorers LOOK for trouble. Now we're control freaks too! "There's trouble here somewhere. I must find it and stop it!"

I know what it is. I just can't explain it. It's like trying to explain color to someone who's been blind since birth. Why is it that there are some people we can look at and intrinsically know that they would never leave us behind? Why is it that for some people, we never get that warm fuzzy feeling? Worse yet, what happens when our wires are crossed and we end up second guessing ourselves? This is the basis of paranoia, in my opinion. It is when we are unable to determine the outcome based on conflicting results from past experiences. What feels good must be bad since it turned out bad in the end and vice versa.

Interestingly enough, given my example in the previous paragraph, do blind people get that intrinsic feeling about people the same as sighted people? Do they just "know" about people from the sound of their voice or the way they feel or smell? Our are senses actively working against us in that by their very nature they provide the potential for observing and perceiving potential threats regardless of whether they exist or not? It's an interesting question... can a paranoid person be cured by sensory deprivation?

Perhaps the very reason for keeping someone entertained appears to be simply to keep them from learning the truth.

Either that or I just don't take rejection or abandonment very well. Yeah, given my diatribe, that's probably closer to Occam's Razor.

Peace,
Jenna

Overstimulated

2008-08-17T06:08:00.000-07:00

I think I've cured myself of my RockBand addiction. :) This weekend Jose and Nyssa went to Miami to see family and they let me borrow their XBox 360, RockBand, Guitar Hero II and III. I spent 8 hours yesterday rocking out. It's still a lot of fun, of course, don't get me wrong... but I no longer have the compulsion to go out and get an XBox. This is a good thing since they're quite expensive.

Perhaps this is the very thing that gets us over all our addictions... Overstimulation. Too much of anything can lead to this condition and destroy our desire to do it again. That being the case... anything is, therefore, curable with time. Yes, it will probably result in death... but then again, from one perspective, even life could be considered an addiction.

There's not much of a difference, really. Every addiction has it's price. How we perceive it is what eventually determines whether it's a good thing or a bad thing for us. Ultimately, those that help us to lead happy, healthy and productive lives are the ones we should probably be keeping. Those that produce negativity, sorrow, despair, etc. are best left to those for whom they do not cause those problems. Heh... know your limits.

At any rate, I'm glad that I no longer have the urge to go out and get one of those infernal machines. I can concentrate on things that will produce even greater quality of life now. It's the little things. :)

Peace,
Jenna

I am a consumer whore... and how!

2008-08-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, first, some updates from the last post. Yes... I saw Batman on the big screen... it was... okay. Yeah, yeah, I know. Well, we got there about 10 minutes before the show started and as a result all the best seats were taken (it was a full house). So we ended up second row from the front on the right hand-side of an 80-foot tall screen. My neck is sill bothering me.

But it was awesome to see Rabbit and Heather again. Rabbit has managed to squeeze out some new tracks that are very well mastered (he even shared his mastering secrets with me) and has pushed a couple remixes out there already. Good Job Rabbit!

Bishop seems to be doing better. I found out that he's actually much older than we thought... he's somewhere between 9 and 12 months instead of 6 months as we thought. That means I need to get his reproductive system shut down real soon now.

So I met Sadao's boyfriend, Jose. He's a sweet guy, much older than Sadao, and someone who will be good to Sadao. Whether he will be good for him is yet to be seen. I'm not sure the two can co-exist in one person, though. I know I often have trouble being both and typically lean toward being "good to" people instead of "good for" people. Emotions are tricky things.

It took me some time to adjust to the situation and I find myself saying things that I swore I would never say. I'm still finding it hard to trust after so much broken trust in my life. But I'm re-learning that what's good for someone else's life (even if it doesn't include me) is good for mine as well because then there are only happy times ahead. I just wish that those around me could see that too.

Travis is back... well he was... he's headed back to Melbourne again since his grandfather just passed away. My heart goes out to him and his family. I talked with him a little last night and gave him my perspective. I hope it helped a little.

The billing project is turning out to be quite the project. The GL Export for this system is over 2800 lines of code alone. Most of it is similar functions being repeated in code with minor changes in each section. It desperately needs a rewrite... erm... I mean... "refactoring."

The shit has hit the fan (almost literally) at the house in Orlando. The pump is broken now. With all the requirements to fix up the house and make it livable again, I simply can't afford it and have little to no help in doing so. So, I have to let it go. It reminds me of PLUR Records actually. A two-man job just can't be done the same way with only one-man. I can acknowledge that, tho, and accept it and move on. So, it looks like I'll be losing the house.

I might be getting involved in the game industry again. My neighbor Jose and I are working on an idea that might work. There are some music projects in the works too, of course, and the more interpersonal relationships I have that dwindle, the more time I have to spend on these other pursuits. Perhaps one day I'll meet someone as equally uninterested in interpersonal relationships and we'll find ourselves in the best one ever. Isn't that how it works in the movies?

These are the things going on in my life right now. More complication on one side, more simplification on the other, ultimately remaining balanced one way or another. Reminding myself that it is balanced is the tricky part sometimes. :)

Peace,
Jenna

Yay... the weekend!

2008-08-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

So... the weekend is upon me. In fact, in 48 minutes, it starts. 47 now. At any rate, tonight I'm going up north to Orlando to see some old friends and go to a kick-ass movie... but even more kick-ass is that I'll be seeing it in the IMAX theatre... oh yeah!

The Dark Knight, the new batman movie, was by far the best superhero movie I've seen yet. They just keep getting better and better. I left with an adrenaline rush that was just too much to ignore. Now I get to see it on the BIG mutha-fuckin' screen!

I had to take Bishop to the vet this morning. Sadao found a worm exiting his puckered little butt-hole... uhm... Bishop's butthole, that is. So, $185 dollars lighter now, I have a happier, healthier kitty.

Speaking of Sadao, his new beau is coming to spend the weekend at the house this weekend. I wish Travis was home. I'm gonna have to find something to occupy myself with because they'll be too occupied with each other. Whee.

I've started learning Visual FoxPro 9.0 in order to support our billing system here at work. It seems pretty straight-forward...-ish. It's not exactly what I would've chosen to write the system with, tho. Thankfully, with my knowledge of invoicing and billing, I will be on the team to convert it to dot net when it's time.

Other than that, not much else is new. I miss Orlando terribly. I miss everyone there. But I guess change is good and is required ... no matter how much I like it or don't.

Y'all have a good weekend and enjoy yourselves (and someone else if you can manage it).

Peace,
Jenna

P.S. My song for today:

Love's Been A Little Bit Hard On Me
Juice Newton

I've got nothing to be ashamed of
Love's been a little bit hard on me
If I shy away it's only because
Love's been a little bit hard on me

(Love's been a little)
Oh, love's been a little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)
(Love's been a little)
You know just been a little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)

I can remember when it's been so much
Love's been a little bit hard on me
Now I shy away at the slightest touch
Love's been a little bit hard on me

(Love's been a little)
Oh, you know it's been a little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)
(Love's been a little)
Just a little, little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)

Come out, come out
To the hopeless romance inside
Shout it's all right, it's all right
To stay so dark
So close to the light

[Instrumental Interlude]

Come out, come out
To the hopeless romance inside
Shout it's all right, it's all right
To stay so dark
So close to the light

I'll be back when I calm my fears
Love's been a little bit hard on me
And I'll see you around in a thousand years
Love's been a little bit hard on me

(Love's been a little)
You know it's just been a little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)
Oh, love you know it's just been a little
(Love's been a little bit) hard on me

Prayer for the Day

2008-07-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

Darkness
by Disturbed

Don't turn away
I pray you've heard
The words I've spoken
Dare to believe
For one last time
And then I'll let the

Darkness cover me
Deny everything
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own

Carry me away
I need your strength
To get me through this
Dare to believe
For one last time
And then I'll let the

Darkness cover me
Deny everything
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own

Summertime Fun

2008-07-22T06:36:00.000-07:00

So it's the summer and we might as well have some fun, right?

Yes, I know in my last post I was ranting like a bitch on wheels but hey... it happens to all of us. Made me think that maybe the reason none of us want to be labeled is so that whatever group happens to be the antithesis of that label doesn't have a reason to try to change us. Think about that for a while.

No matter what label you might give yourself, someone out there will extol the wonders of being exactly the opposite of what your chosen label defines. Or they will tell you of all the evils of your chosen label and start trying to affect change in your life (whether it's a conscious attempt or not).

So anyway... back to the whole summertime fun thing.

This past weekend, Sadao and Travis went to Central Florida while I stayed in Port St. Lucie. So, Nyssa and I went to see Mamma Mia! this weekend. It was a LOT of fun and I recommend it to anyone who likes Musicals. However, I have to admit that I still have not been able to flush my system of ABBA songs since then.

The next day, Nyssa, Jose, their children, Gemini and myself all went to Jensen Beach for a few hours. It was a lot of fun.

Other than that, nothing major to report. Just trying to have fun and enjoy life despite all the bullshit that happens in it.

Peace, y'all.

Me and Nyssa at the Beach

Tired

2008-07-18T07:56:00.000-07:00

That's it. Fed Up. Tired. Done. Tired of feeling this way. Not going to feel like it anymore.

If you have an issue with me, what I do, what I say, how I act, how I react, what I've done, what I wear, how I eat, people I love, things I love, things I hate, where I live, what I like or ANYTHING ELSE ... I have two words for you ...

FUCK OFF!!!

I'm tired of trying to please you. I'm tired of trying to understand you. I'm tired of trying to communicate with you. I'm tired of being the one that never understands, never gets it and NEVER fucking wins.

I don't want to win... but I don't want to lose either. So I choose NOT to play. I'm going my own direction and if someone else is coming along... that's their own business... not mine... and DEFINITELY not anyone else's either. So... unless you have something POSITIVE to lend to the situation, you can go pound sand, period.

Peace... I'm Out.

Aren't we all?

2008-07-14T00:35:00.000-07:00

Sadao showed me this web page tonight that described ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) which he proudly claims to have. As I read it, I noticed that all the "symptoms" seem to be what I've always considered to be absolutely standard behavior in most of the people I've known in my life (including myself).

This did little more than to further embed in my brain that this is all nonsense. The more we label and identify, qualify and discern, the more we segregate ourselves and become separatists. The cohesion that used to hold people together just isn't there anymore and I can feel it everywhere. It bothers me a great deal.

Sure, sure... people say I shouldn't let things like that bother me. "... the patience to deal with the things I can not change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the two apart" keeps running through my mind... but at the same time... I've seen too much to think that these thoughts are normal.

I guess maybe I am a little crazy after all (perhaps more than I'm admitting to myself, too). After almost 40 years of walking, talking, consuming, excreting, building and destroying on this planet, I'm coming quickly to the conclusion that none of this crap we call "life" makes ANY sense at all.

I used to believe in religion until the very tenets of the religion I put my trust in were shaken by corruption. I used to put my faith in so many different ideas, ideals, beliefs, etc. and now I just don't know what to believe in other than myself. This is great for clearing up the confusion... but it's mother-fuckin' lonely.

I should be asleep right now. Tomorrow is a "big day" so to speak. My job has given my a decent-sized project that is going to require a lot of my attention and time. But I can't stop thinking about some of the stupid moves I have made in the past and (seemingly) continue to make... just in different settings with slightly different circumstances and very different co-stars.

I try to comfort myself with the concept that this feeling is not abnormal. This is something everyone feels. We all look back on our lives and think, "If only I knew then what I know now." What the hell is the point?

I would really like to believe that there is a point. Something that will sedate me into an ignorant bliss, again. But I feel that time is past. Now it's all a matter of getting to the bottom of it. In my mind, I see this as something that the rest of the sheep on this planet will not understand.

I was supposed to have a date today but I backed out of it. I know that I'm still not ready to get back into that scene. I'm not anywhere near where I used to be mentally or emotionally (or physically for that matter). Also, knowing what I now know, I know that I can not blame those things on age, time, getting older, and all that. That is a cop-out.

If we're supposed to get wiser as we get older, why do I feel as if I've made a pit-stop in the race? Maybe not a pit-stop, but at the very least my horse is a bit lame in one leg, I think.

I need to set goals for myself. I need to put things in some sort of perspective, even if I'm the only one that acknowledges it. And I think I need to keep my reasons to myself to avoid the ensuing confusion of other ideas and concepts that will proceed to color or alter my thinking. They shouldn't color or alter anything but they do... and we know they do. We are all animals looking for our packs, prides, tribes, clutches, murders, etc.

Perhaps looking for someone to share in my life, my reasons, my beliefs, etc. is the wrong approach after all. Maybe my soul-mate needs to be someone so completely different from me (which is difficult for someone as experienced as myself) that we share almost nothing in common other than a desire to be with each other throughout the whole experience. Perhaps I already have that, too. I don't know... it's just not following through the way I expected, that's for certain.

I don't think any of us has it all together. Those that "appear to" are deluding themselves with something. The cheapest way to do that is, arguably, through religion. But I just can't seem to swing with that idea any more.

Hmm.. technically... just by writing this blog entry I'm already falling into the same trap. The blogosphere has become my new "God" so to speak... someone to "spill my guts" to, ask for forgiveness and promise to be better if I'm just given another chance.

Is that it? I think it is. Victimization is an easy path. All too easy.

Heaven 2008

2008-07-11T12:01:00.000-07:00

See you in Hollywood in a couple of weeks bitches!

It

2008-07-09T06:56:00.000-07:00

No... I'm not talking about the Stephen King book... although it was a great book.... horrible movie (even Tim Curry couldn't save that piece of shit). No, I'm talking about "It" as in... whatever It is that gets you where you want to be. Whatever makes you happy and satisfied and social and part of something wonderful.

I know it's different for everyone... but I'm pretty sure the experience of it is exactly the same for everyone too. The part that worries me is when something kills It. I've felt that within myself and have seen that happen to others. Considering ALL that there is in this life to enjoy... why do we sometimes (or often) focus on the negative? Does it make us happy to do that?

It would seem that we're getting something out of focusing on the negative. Maybe a good cry... a cathartic experience to finally put to rest some issues we've had to deal with. Maybe we're trying to convert the negativity into something positive. Maybe we need to express our anger or our frustration. Depending upon how much has been bottled up, it might take a while for it to all be purged.

I had a long heart-to-heart with my best friend in the world last night. He said he "misses Jenna." I was instantly reminded of how I've said that to people in my past, too. Typically the answer I got was "well, that person is gone" or "I don't know where that person is or if they're coming back." I couldn't give that answer last night. I know that what I'm going through is temporary and will eventually be purged. It's just taking a long time to get it all out.

I hear It's call... it beckons me saying... "Laugh at your adversity. Prove to it that it has no power over you. Let the beauty and wonder of this life fill you with joy. Smile!"

I hear it in the music I play. I see it in the shows and movies I watch. I feel it in those closest to me. I see their attempts to cheer me up and I sometimes don't know what it takes to get me over the hump and truly accept the love that's out there. I want It to take certain forms that it just doesn't seem to want to take right now. Hence my frustration.

I'm learning to grow past it, tho. I'm learning (or rather re-learning) how to bring the beauty of life and all it's facets back into focus for my life. To accept my past as it was and to forge a new future for myself.

A few words of advice... be careful when choosing a goal. Make sure you've got more than one to keep you going. Because both the completion of a goal and the absolute failure of a goal are devastating to motivation.

Peace,
Jenna

Independence?

2008-07-03T13:23:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is July 4th, 2008 ... and it is the day patriotic Americans celebrate in remembrance of those who fought for the independence of the British colonies.

It has been flowered up to symbolize true freedom from tyranny and terrorism, etc. etc. even though the people of this nation wouldn't know what true independence was if it rose up and bit them on the ass with poisonous fangs that killed them instantly.

If I sound bitter, I don't mean to. I'm simply pointing out that we Americans are not truly free. We're closer than a lot of other countries, true... but we're not free. "Freedom has a price." This always seemed like a contradiction in terms to me. To me, it's similar to saying "Same Difference." It's that little phrase used to justify one's position without the repercussions of rebuttal.

Ridiculous.

Freedom does NOT have a price. Security has a price. Those who say that freedom has a price might as well be saying that if we don't pay the price, we get slavery. Oddly enough tho, the rising costs of "freedom" has made us slaves to money and unfulfilling careers and jobs. So, slavery wasn't really abolished... we just leveled the playing field a little more.

Examples: We do not have the freedom to get high responsibly. We do not have the freedom to die by our own free will. We do not have the freedom to "opt-out" of government rule. We do not have the freedom to barter using sexual favors.

If I were truly free... I could sleep where I want, with whoever I want, whenever I want, hunt and gather from anywhere I choose, etc. etc. Actually... I could do this now it just would not be sanctioned by the government ... and, in fact, it would probably piss them off to the point that they would send their hit men after me. Yes... the government is really nothing more than a VERY large , well funded criminal organization like the mob.

I hear the people of this land cry out about the injustices being carried out by this mob and yet no-one really does anything about it on a continental scale. There are too many people trying to work within the system to fix it... like a virus or something. Maybe if we infiltrate the enemy and learn it's ways we can change it!

The problem is that the government's immune system is impeccable. When something attacks it, it can create the anti-bodies needed by just writing legislation against it. Voila!

No... I won't be celebrating independence since I don't have it yet. Some day. Some day.

Peace,
Jenna

Caesar Salads

2008-07-01T09:43:00.000-07:00

It's interesting (and irritating) how things rarely work out as planned. However, the results of such events often result in something that will entertain, at the very least.

Take, for example, the fact that I was supposed to go home for lunch... however my ride chose to go to Publix instead. This change of plans only occurred after I got in the car and we were on the way.

At any rate (with that off my chest) I decided a salad would be good food for my mood. After we got back to the office with our food... I thought about this salad. A Caesar Salad. WTF is it anyway?

It's as almost as if someone went...

"Uhm... I'm hungry. What do we have to eat?"
"Uh... let's see... got some of those little anchovies left that Derek brought over... a little lettuce from our sandwich making stuff... some bread... oh but it's stale... some mayo ..... uhm..... ..... spices..... "

*blank stare*

"Are you kidding me?! That's it?!"

Well, when you really think about it anyway. It's pretty disgusting. And we pay pretty well for these salads... and it's basically "Dumpster Diver's Salad."

Okay, okay... here's the ACTUAL recipe as re-posted from Wikipedia:

A typical Caesar salad comprises romaine lettuce and croutons dressed with Parmesan cheese, lemon juice, olive oil, egg, Worcestershire sauce, and black pepper originally prepared tableside. Caesar Cardini (Italian-born Mexican) is credited with creating the salad.

To me... this just proves the point... that if you polish that turd hard enough, long enough and shiny enough... you can get anyone to buy it. I've heard that nothing good is ever easy... but if it's that hard to get that turd to be "worth" something... and at it's heart... it's still just a turd... I prefer to let it be as it is.

Everyone and everything has a purpose on this planet. Manipulating it doesn't do a damn bit of good for any of us in the long run... we are all food for worms eventually, after all. So I guess it doesn't hurt none either.

And now, I'm going to get back to my Polish Turd Salad.

Peace

Song of the Day

2008-06-30T11:15:00.000-07:00

Here's my song for the day. It's stuck in my head... and for once, I know why.

Confused
by Jack Johnson

Well he's not necessarily trying to say that he minds it
But someone plays evil tricks on that kid
Well he's not necessarily trying to say god can't be trusted
But someone plays evil tricks on that kid
And certain situations scream for deviations
But somehow he always gets stuck in the middle
Of this and that and man he should try less
Because every time he's rejected man he loses affection

But don't we all, don't we just got to give a little time
Maybe give a friend a call instead of making him confused
What a terrible thing for you to do
What an awful thing for you to say
What a terrible thing for you to relay

Well i know some people's they got a little less than nothing
But still find some to spare
And other people got more than they could use
But they don't share
And some people got problems man
They got awful complications
Other people got perfect situations
With no provocation

But don't we all, don't we just got to give a little time
Maybe give a friend a call instead of making him confused
What a terrible thing for you to do
What an awful thing for you to say
What a terrible thing for you
Confused
What a terrible thing for you to do
What an awful thing for you to say
What a terrible thing for you to relay

A new bed

2008-06-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

Yay!

Travis showed up last week and moved in with us. W00t! He brought with him his first month's rent which made it possible for me to finally buy a bed! Yay! Went to craigslist and found a king-size bed with solid wood headboard and footboard, and a firm pillow-top simmons' mattress for $200 total.

It was humorous loading all of it on top of Jose's car... and I totally forgot to take a picture of it. Damn! Oh well, imagine a Ford Focus wagon with a king size bed taken apart and strapped down, piece-on-top-of-piece, to the top of it.

Went to the beach the evening Travis arrived. It was alright but I wasn't in a very good mood. I guess I'm still flushing my soul of some of the negativity it absorbed in the past. Gettin' a little better about it tho. Workin' on it!

Let's see... bought some groceries... played a little "Neverwinter Nights Gold" (since I never finished it before), watched some movies, played on the internet, spent Sunday pretty much in another plane of existence, and just generally relaxed for once. It was much needed after all the shit with the airline.

Wall-E is out now. Hoping to go see that soon. Tomorrow is pay-day. Life is decent.

Well, back to work.

Peace

Screw Air Travel

2008-06-27T05:54:00.000-07:00

More than likely, anyone who's done a fair bit of air travel has one of these stories. Well, here's another.

I redeemed Delta SkyMiles for a reward ticket to fly from Fort Lauderdale, FL to Chicago, IL. The ticket was round trip from 6/26 to 6/29. The reservation was made on 6/24 ... so the airline chose to levy a $75.00 convenience fee and $7.50 for some other tax or fee or some shit. I wasn't happy about it.. but there wasn't much else I could do given the situation. I didn't pay for the fees... a friend did.

Now, I originally wanted to fly from 6/27 to 6/29. However, I couldn't find the right airport/date/time combination to get me there for the miles I had. I found this other option would get me there a day earlier, but still get me there within my award miles.

I had been trying to find a solution for this air travel for three days before I stumbled on to this flight. So I was pretty stoked. But in the confusion of flexible schedules, etc. I forgot I had set the ticket for departure a day early.

I show up at the airport and obviously can't get on the plane. When the mistake is revealed, I feel like an idiot and worked with the ticket counter associate to try to find another way to get there. It was either another awards ticket on Monday (whoops... missed my weekend window so that's no good) or almost $1000 for a ticket. Needless to say, didn't go to Chicago.

While still in Ft. Laud, (I live in Port St. Lucie), I spoke with the agent again about a refund. He said all I had to do was call and they would return the miles to my balance and refund the money.

I got back to PSL and called. The lady at Delta not only told me that I wouldn't be getting my $75.00 redemption fee back... but that it would cost an additional $100 to return the miles to my skymiles account!!

This is what I call predatory business practices in a distressed economy. Here people are already strapped as it is... leisure travel is something of a luxury compared to a few years ago... and they are actually planning to CHARGE me.. TWICE... for a FREE trip I didn't even get to take?!

Well, not this girl. As a result, I am boycotting air travel from now throughout the natural end of my days unless it is an ABSOLUTE emergency. I'll drive, take a train, a bus or a ship before I will put myself in a flying tin can again.

Now, I'm repaying my friend for the money... losing my miles... and still not going anywhere. Was it my mistake? Absolutely! I don't blame them for me mis-reading the date of departure. But to look at a long-time air customer and make those requirements... is just insane.

UPDATE: I got the miles back... but I didn't get the money back. Bastards.

Starting Over

2008-06-24T08:20:00.001-07:00

I should probably be alarmed that I'm blogging again.

Those who have nothing to say typically are pretty wise and happy people (or so I've been told). Based on my own life experiences, I'd have to agree with that particular saying.

An old friend of mine told me once she only wrote in her journal when she had something to say and it usually wasn't very fun stuff to write about.

I've decided to challenge that particular notion. I'm choosing to write about my life and it's various twists and turns, not for pity or self-aggrandizement... but to just record my life... as it is... no frills, no philosophy... just stuff that happens, why it happens and how I feel about it.

I have won some, I have lost some. I have won BIG ... and I have lost big. I've learned to discern truth from fiction, sincerity from falsehoods and right from wrong as it applies to my life.

Here, I'll detail them.

These are all new stories from here on out. No past stories, old journal entries about the way life used to be and yadda yadda, blah. No point in digging up the past and pointing out how ugly it is... we already know how things rot in the ground. But at least they can provide good nutrients for future things. :)

So, if it interests you to read these things... great, I hope you get your internet dollar's worth. If not, please consider finding me and pulling me away from the keyboard and buying me a drink. I'll pay you back... I'm good for it.

Peace.

Happy Ferret Day

2007-12-16T07:39:00.000-08:00

So today Twink and I are heading down to Coconut Creek to adopt a ferret or two. :) This is a happy day for me. It will make up for yesterday, that's for sure. I think I really blew the interview yesterday. I dunno, they seem like a collection of cool cats but I realized that the technology gap that exists is pretty wide. It's not something I can't overcome... but it's gonna take some determination and hard work to get caught up on all that has happened in the world of computers while I was wasting away at GCS. But that aside, like I said, today is a happy day!

Things have felt very peaceful and "right" since the sale of the house. I feel more relaxed and more focused now. I didn't realize how much of my energy was being sucked away by that place and that man. Slowly but surely, I'm getting my life into a more manageable state.

I also get to meet Bill today. Twink has been buying parrotlets from him for a while now and he has another that she's interested in. He's on the way so it's gonna be a cool thing for both of us.

I threw out a ton of shit last night. More still to throw out/give away. Stuff I don't need, stuff I don't want, stuff that means nothing, stuff that brings back bad memories, anything holding me back from the new direction my life is taking. It feels good... cathartic even. Anybody wanna buy a bed?

Anyway, more later.

Rapture

2007-12-09T09:39:00.000-08:00

Wow... this is going to be a long read... I hope you're sitting comfortably. If so, then I'll begin.

I just woke up about an hour ago after getting some MUCH needed sleep. It's just now 4 a.m. on Sunday. I've been asleep for about 8 hours so I think I'm lucid enough to tell the tale.

Friday Daytime

Friday, after work, Sadao, Brian and I all were to go to Miami for Euphoria Project's Rapture event at the 66 Nightclub. Given the party was to start at 8 pm and it's a long drive, I planned to leave work early so we could get there when the party started. That morning, I couldn't find my badge or the Radixx phone. So I left for work without them, knowing I'd have to come back and find the phone and get it to Darrell at some point (he agreed to swap on-call weekends with me so I could go to the party). I left work at 4 so I could get home and hopefully find the phone and get to him and we could get on the road ASAP. I got home and tore the place apart but could not find either the phone or my badge. Sadao had had a rough night and was ready to get out of Orlando immediately so I figured I was probably just going to end up missing the party since I couldn't leave Radixx in that situation. I needed a cigarette. The box I had was empty and I knew I had another in my bag. I opened my bag and what did I find? Both the phone AND the badge were in there all the time. I even had them at work with me! ARGH!

Friday Evening

Brian ended up staying at home. That's a LONG story filled with drama of ridiculous proportions that I won't get into. Suffice to say, it was just the Crazy Twins that ended up going to the event. Sadao and I took off and went to drop off the phone. We ended up finally getting on the turn pike at around 7. We made pretty good time and made it to the club at about 10:30. The party was scheduled to run from 8 p.m. tpo 10 a.m and was just getting started, so we hadn't missed much.

As we walked around, we started meeting some of the folks there and started checking out the stages. We never DID find the DnB stage, which is a bummer because I really wanted to see Danny Bled. Steven gave me a CD of Danny's a long time ago and I was looking forward to hearing him spin. We ended up spending most of the night up on the roof in the House/Electro/Breaks area. Rabbit and Mad Hatter, Skylab 2000, DJ London, and plenty of others that were just tearing it up on the roof! While we were up there, we met some of the most wonderful people! Angel, who did body/face painting and photography took our picture for the website (hoping to get a copy because it was adorable). Ellie and Kris ran the hookah lounge where we hung out quite a bit... it became our "Safe Zone."

While we there, we saw Monk and Bunny spin in the main room. We also caught the last bit of Divine and emilyPLAY... man that girl can sing! But the highlight of the night was Bunny. Sadao was still somewhat wrapped up in the drama he had experience the night before and Bunny's set just made it all disappear. I took a picture of Sadao during the set which says it all... the look on his face was priceless. I gave the creator (and Bunny) a big thank you for that. The rest of the night was magical. :)

Saturday Morning

After seeing Bunny spin, we were both ready to just chill and hang out with the new friends we had made. So, back up to the roof we went and hung out at the hookah lounge. As the night wore on into the morning, there were a couple of times that they tried to shut down the event... but the place was filled with rebels that kept the part going until 8 a.m. when it was finally shut down about 2 hours earlier than expected.

We stayed a little longer and helped Kris, Ellie and their friends clean up their area and pack their car. As a thank you, they gave us a hookah! Sadao and I were completely stunned and so thankful to them! We hugged and cried and said our goodbyes. Now, at this point, I need to mention that we parked in a secure area across from club Area 51... which is quite a hike from the club we were at. They had shuttles going back and forth from the parking area to the event. Since the party was shut down early and since we had stayed to help clean up, we missed the last shuttle. So, I racked my mangled brain (by this point) to remember the address and we started walking. After doing a big circle, we eventually found the car. Yay! Sadao had driven his van to the event. On the way home, we stopped to put fluids in the van and started the long journey back to Orlando.

Saturday Afternoon

Mile Marker 223 Northbound on the Florida Turnpike. Sadao and I must go back there at some point and have a picture taken of us flipping off that marker. For it was there that the van stopped. We were just 22 miles away from Kissimmee/St. Cloud, 35 miles from Orlando when his car started smoking. We pulled over and what I thought was antifreeze at first, suddenly gave way to the smell of burning oil. Oh boy. I called my dad and he warned me that there might be damage to the engine. We hoped for the best and began walking north. The next service area was only 6 miles away (we thought it was closer but come to find out it wasn't). I was filled with a sense of peace and calm during all of this. I had never experienced something like this. A few years ago, I probably would have been very frightened, upset and angry at all of it. But instead, I kept my wits about me and we started walking. About 3 miles down the way, we were picked up by the State Farm Safety Patrol. He took us the rest of the way to the service area where we got a tow to Serrone's Auto Repair. While we waited for them to diagnose the problem, Sadao and I went to the Rodeo Diner just across the street and put some much needed food in our bellies. Tired, stinky, worried, we ate and kept each others' spirits up. After eating, we went back to hear the report. It wasn't good. It had apparently run so long in an overheated condition that it completely warped the valves and head gasket. The damage? About $1200 to repair.

God Bless Sadao's heart. He was upset but he took it in stride and stayed focused. He called his dad to tell him what had happened. They eventually decided that given the age of the vehicle and the damage, it was better to sell the van to the auto repair shop and look for a new vehicle when he can, later. I called Heather (since she lives 10 minutes away from where we were) and she agreed to give us a lift home.

Saturday Evening

Exhausted, broken and ready to call it a night, we made one last stop to end the evening on a peaceful note. We went to a little smoke shop on University and picked up what we needed to use the hookah. It wasn't long before we had it all figured out and were enjoying some Strawberry flavored tobacco and watching TV as we let the recent events pass by into memory. Then I went to bed.

All in all, I must say that this was a cathartic experience. Sadao and I talked quite a bit and had a wonderful adventure together. I will never forget this weekend. The experience has left me more focused and determined to carve out a better life for myself and those that important to me... those willing to walk the journey with me.

New challenges await. New adventures await. Now it's time to get them started.

Peace,
Jenna

Sprout!

2007-12-07T14:27:00.000-08:00

Here's a little game that Jose turned me on to. You play the part of a little seed that wants to be an oak tree. You have to figure out how to learn about the different trees and navigate from a desert island to where the oaks are.

Click Here to Play Sprout!

Peace,
Jenna

Lunch and Vespers

2007-12-06T16:53:00.000-08:00

Went to lunch today with Jairo, one of my co-workers. He actually bought my lunch too (what a sweetie!). Anyway, we went to this place called Ristorante Italiano (and yes... it was an Italian Restaurant, imagine that) on Lee Vista. Great good!

He ordered their spinach and atrichoke dip as an appetizer and wow... could've made a meal between that and the garlic rolls! It came in a bread bowl and was just tremendous. They basically took the idea that all the chain restaurants had and put an Italian spin on it with garlic and parmesan cheese and carrots too.

The main course was Fettucine Alfredo with Blackened Chicken. YUM! I haven't had blackened chicken in a while. I was reminded of the first time I ever had that. It was at this little restaurant in Indianapolis called "The Jazz Cooker." I don't know if it's still there or not. It was converted from a house into a restaurant. While you ate, from time to time, the jazz musicians would walk around throughout the house playing jazz tunes on horns, flutes, guitars... anything portable, stop at tables and jam for a bit and then keep moving. It was a fun little place. :)

Jairo's a sweetie, I like him a lot. He's also a musician and composer and is working on some new music. I hope someday we finally get the opportunity to sit down and write some music together.

I managed to get one of my other co-workers to swap weekends with me regarding the on-call cell phone which means I have this weekend free now. This means I'm free to go to Miami this weekend with some friends to the Rapture party.

I've been called a party animal with the air of disdain that someone uses when they attempt to create an air of oppression and guilt upon another. I've been labeled and judged for my actions and inactions like the rest of us. I've had some time recently to really think about all this without the influence of another person feeding thoughts and ideas into my head and have come to the realization that I am what I am and it's not a bad thing. I've tried to find a solution to life's problems that suits everyone and have busted my ass doing so. I've given until I had nothing left to give and then I've stolen on top of that.

The truth is that I have learned, now, to accept myself and my likes, hates, wants and needs for what they are. More than that, I'm starting to like them again. I'm beginning to see through the clouds that swept in so quickly and changed my life so drastically and realize that I've done more for others, in general, than most EVER would.

Tooting my own horn here? You betcha. It's my horn, I'll toot it, thank you very much. If you don't want to read it, there are millions of other pages on the internet. Find one.

It's time that I make the changes necessary in my life to ensure my own survival. Others must do the same for themselves as well... but no longer at my expense. I can finally say that I have a friend that will not ask anything of me, will not require anything of me, and will not judge me by his own standards. His only request is that I do what it takes to make myself happy and out of conflict with others.

I will try, one ... last ... time ... to make this happen without injury to anyone (financially or otherwise). But as I have been taught by example to stand up on my own two feet and accept what is mine (including my responsibilities), I know that if I have to be the bad guy, so be it. If your right hand offends you, cut it off that the rest of the body might be saved. It's a VERY old-school way of thinking, but it's kept humans going for centuries.

So with that, I bid y'all a good night. Be good to yourselves and others. Sometimes that means knocking the legs out from under them... and letting your own legs get knocked out from under you, too.

Peace,
Jenna

Too Many Forks

2007-12-06T10:10:00.000-08:00

They say (yeah, I know... who listens to them anyway) that choices you make in life are forks in the road and that once you choose a path, make the best of it. It would seem that someone's dropped about four dozen forks in my road. That's how it feels. So many choices and trying to pick the one that makes me happy without completely destroying the lives of those I care about is not easy.

I would much rather say "to hell with it" ... sell the house to one of those nuts that buy houses, quit my high stress job, get a mindless job where I can make a modest living, find a nice quiet place I can nest in, get some animals to keep me company without giving me emotional trauma, write some music, play some games, dance and sing, and avoid the ridiculousness of humans altogether. As Max Von Sydow would say, "Kill them all! Let God sort them out!"

It's just a matter of heart-ache. I know my limits, it's not hard to figure that out. But I see heart-ache and suffering around me all the time and can't seem to see the goodness anymore ... or at least VERY rarely. When I try to bandage it and help out, the people I'm helping just keep picking at their wounds and never take the steps necessary to fully heal and get themselves back on their feet again. That's the way it's occurring for me, anyway.

Personally, I have every option in the world available to me. I choose to dwell in the darkness with those trapped there until they figure out that they don't have to stay there. It's frustrating as all hell... but the word I've been given by my inner voice is that it will be worth it and not to give up. Been considering finding the source of that voice and bitch-slapping the shit out of it. :-D It's not that I disagree with the voice, just wish it would shut up so I can think and get something done. :)

Anyway, enough upper-middle-class whining. I put some new tracks on my myspace music player. I'm starting to really hate MP3s tho... I can hear the compression in the music and it's disturbing. It makes me long to hear a live performance of the music with about 10,000 of my favorite perfect strangers. :)

Well, I probably should log off this thing for now and get some work done. More later.

Peace,
Jenna

Mister In-Between's Got My Balls

2007-12-05T16:09:00.000-08:00

My parents first introduced me to this song. It's what's needed today to face the trials of life without losing one's mind. It's not easy to do sometimes. But if we don't, we'll all be lost.

AC-CENT-TCHU-ATE THE POSITIVE (Mister In-Between)
(Johnny Mercer / Harold Arlen)

You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene

(To illustrate his last remark
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they do
Just when everything looked so dark)

Man, they said we better
Accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
No, do not mess with Mister In-Between
Do you hear me, hmm?

(Oh, listen to me children and-a you will hear
About the elininatin' of the negative
And the accent on the positive)
And gather 'round me children if you're willin'
And sit tight while I start reviewin'
The attitude of doin' right

(You've gotta accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between)

You've got to spread joy (up to the maximum)
Bring gloom (down) down to the minimum
Otherwise (otherwise) pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene

To illustrate (well illustrate) my last remark (you got the floor)
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they say (what did they say)
Say when everything looked so dark

Man, they said we better
Accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
No! Don't mess with Mister In-Between

Wanna Go To Heaven? $12.95 please.

2007-12-05T12:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, I know I'm wasting valuable time here but dammit this was just too damned funny to NOT post.

Click on this link: Reserve A Spot In Heaven

See y'all there. Hope the check doesn't bounce. :)

Peace,
Jenna

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Self-Realization

It Ends Today

Holy Shit... an Entry!?

Diligence! It's important (yeah, right)

Damaged

How is that my problem?

*deep contented sigh*

Ever get that feeling...

Missing

The Carrot or the Stick

Yes, No, NULL

Interesting Idea... Still Full of Crap

Reason, Season, Lifetime, Bullshit

The Nature of Hell

Exhausted

Go Pomo!

Confusion is Nothing New

So... Why?

A story for you

Reasons and Excuses

Life Copies: 10 cents.

No possessions, damnit.

Foster Partner

Why?

Trust... Can You?

Does anyone have a HAPPY story?

No shame in my game.

Memorial Day

Sans raison d'être

Sleepy today

La la la

The Crosswalk

A Night at the Theatre

It's Springtime for Hitler and Germany!

It's Always Something

Those "Special" E-Mails

On My Coat-tails

That's What You Get

Battling Depression Again

The Weekend

Happily Ever After

Warning... New Year Approaching... Please Increase Speed!

Suicidal Tendencies - Institutionalized

Hmmm...

Being God's Clown

How Thin the Veil

MMV Identified as a HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS Disease!

A Story

Zapp & Roger

New Car on the Horizon

Might as well talk to the wall...

Hats Off

Liars

Fun at Work

Confessions

The Previous 24

Cooler Head

ARGH!

Secret Agent Super Drag Queen

Sally Fields Moments

Note To Self

A Sense of Perspective

What are you anyway?

The One

A Dissertation on Love

Revelations and Re-Visions

Beat the Clock

Keep Learning and Understanding

Takes a Little TIme

Thanks Sis

Hmm...

Weekend Preparations

Tired...

21 hours later

The Return of Joy

Lost and Found

All Good Things?

Settling In

Truth or Paranoia! (Home Game, 5th Edition)

Overstimulated

deep contented sigh