Yesterday was a really good day. Yes it was. Sunday night I had a cathartic event that pretty much adjusted my way of thinking about a lot of things. It was an important adjustment too because I was holding in a lot of pain that I wouldn't let go. When I was able to finally let that go... wow... I just asked myself why I held on to it for so long in the first place.
We hold on to pain for a lot of different reasons in our own minds. But in the end, there's really only one reason... it makes us right. It's classic victim mentality and it sucks for eveyone else around a victim. I'm very grateful for my friends that have stuck by me while I figured my shit out. Couldn't ask for better friends in the world.
Yesterday I was went to work and had a pretty good day. I didn't get a whole lot accomplished, but it didn't matter... my mood was much better that it has been in a long while.
Last night, while watching 24, I started talking with Jon again. Jon's the guy I mentioned a few posts back (the guy I hadn't talked to in a long time and closed my journal entry so that I could chat with him some). He's really sweet, honest, funloving, and understands the concept of personal freedoms. There's definitely a spark there... and I'm really glad that we were able to get back in touch with each other. He found me the other day because he was cleaning out an old hard drive of his and found a link to my old web site (heap many moons ago). When he found that the site was no longer around... he came looking for me and found me on myspace. :) I thought that was sweet. I never chat with anyone while wathing 24... it's always been something I focus on and would not divert my attention for anyone or anything.
As we were chatting, he mentioned complications... the fact that he's married. He started to go down a path that our renewed friendship was starting to feel like "cheating on his wife." Had to nip that in the bud right there. Told him straight up that I would never try to come between him and his wife. Whatever issues he has there he needs to deal with. If he asks for help or advice, I'll offer what I can as unbiased as I can. But I also told him that there was no reason to feel ashamed over having a friendship with me. I told him the reason he was feeling the way he was feeling was that there was something he was getting out of the friendship with me that he's not getting from his relationship with his wife. It's up to him whether he thinks that's a bad or a good thing... and if it's something he wants to change. I just think he's pretty cool and was happy to get back in touch with him.
Rob's been very cool with me too. This is a blessed change ot events, I can tell you that. There was one moment where we started to drag out something from the past... but we quickly saw that and stopped it before it escalated into bullshit. I was grateful for that! Yeah... I'm starting to get the hang of it, I guess. Better late than never. Some never do. Not saying I won't get stupid from time to time in the future... I think it's inevitable really... I think we all do. But at least having written some of this down, maybe ... if I keep my mind focused ... I'll be alright.
Well, I need to get ready for work. More later.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Monday, February 13, 2006
My Children
This journal entry is in my "family only" group. It's just too much to share with the rest of the world. It strikes the very core of me and right now... the only ones I can bear to share it with are those I feel a kinship with.
I wrote just a little while ago about what a beautiful day I just had yesterday. But nothing can compare to what just happened moments ago.
I went to Twink and Josh's for supper... a little confused... a little aggravated... mostly just tired. On my way, I sent a text to Twink saying I was on my way back. She texted back to me "back where?" So I called her. She had no idea that Josh had invited me over for dinner. After I hung up with her, I began to to my typical logicistical path down the winding road of "why". Why was he inviting me to dinner and not telling Twink? I know now that all the questions I had was me fighting my own jealousy.
I arrived to find that David and Josh had made dinner. They had invited a friend of theirs, Gene, to dinner as well. Once again the little twisted part of my brain starts producing thoughts like... Twink and Josh... coupled... David and Chris ... coupled... Gene and myself... uhm... singles from two different worlds. The twisted part of my brain began to whisper words saying that I was being mocked. I was being ridiculed in some way. That I would never be like they are. I would never have what they have. Gene felt uncomfortable... I could sense it. I was uncomfortable, too.
We had dinner... Taylor tried to cheer me up. She tried to make me feel wanted and loved... I'm convinced this little girl sees more than people give her credit for some times. I'll never know why she has such an attachment and fondness for me... but I'm so thankful for it. Her and Matt both. David has his moments... but he's also fourteen and trying to figure out his own self, his own independance, and going through biochemical changes that we all know are totures that even the most fiendish terrorists could not duplicate.
I had a couple of glasses of wine at dinner and it took me out of the general realm of control. I sill had motor functions but now the twisted parts of my head had room to work on me some more. I began to feel angry. I began to feel like a fixture and not like family. I knew well enough to not cause a scene and figured I should go... but my mouth is usually a dead give-away in cases like this... and tonight was no exception.
I told Twink and Josh thank you and that I needed to get home. Told them to have a good week and told Twink not to forget about this coming weekend. I then left very abruptly without giving hugs or even really proper good-byes... in short... I was being a dick.
On the way home, Twink questioned me via texts and a quick phone call asking what was wrong. I told her nothing. She knows better. She knows me way better than that... but she also knew I was shutting down and she wasn't going to get any more out of me. So she shut down, not wanting to deal with it. I don't blame her for that at all.
When I got home, Rob was up. I was not prepared to deal with him tonite. I was angry and I didn't even really know why. I told him to read the blog entry I had put up earlier and so he did. He came back out and apologized very well to me saying he didn't mean it the way I interpreted it... and I think he didn't even realize it was happening.
He tried to convince me that he IS interested in the music and impressed me by replaying what we had talked about the two tracks that I had tried to get him to listen to. He HAD been listening... I was just being an idiot.
Now here's where it went off the rails. He had my attention and we talked. I told him how angry I was at myself, at him, at everything. It felt like it was going to be the same old conversation again. But this time I felt a heat inside that wouldn't stop. A burning that I could not quench. The images I've had in my head, the visions, the remorse of my life's choices... had been boiling away all the fat I had layered into it and I had the cathartic moment of realization about why I'm so hard on myself. Why I can't seem to fit in. I started to cry and Rob held me... before I knew it I blurted it out... the core of what has been upsetting me... not that I gave up my birthright, my priviledge... not that I would never see a child with my eyes, nose, ears, etc. It was far more painful.
I shouted out, just barely. through my tears.. "I feel like I've murdered my own children before they were born!" This profundity hit me with the full force I had not experienced before. I suddenly didn't feel that burning inside. All the falseness, the selfish reasons, the self-centered reasons were gone and the real ugly truth appeared before me. To say I cried is an understatement. I was inconsolable. The very idea struck fear and loathing (no pun intended) in my heart and I just wanted to die... even though I know the natural order of life doesn't allow for that. It didn't change how I felt.
After a time, I calmed down enough to take Rob's suggestion to call Twink and talk to her about this... to get her perspective. She wasn't answering. Either she didn't hear the phone or didn't want to talk to me anymore last night. Upset, no doubt, that I could not share what was on my mind. But when tortured by thoughts that are so deeply guarded and protected by airs of principality and darkness... I was simply unale to explain any of this to her then... I know she WILL understand (in her own way) and I must apologize for my lack of trust. I am still growing and still learning, sis.
As I layed there on the bed... lost in my own thoughts about what I had done... considering unthinkable thoughts and behaviors... I heard a "thump, thump, thump" coming from upstaris and something inside me said to go sit at the piano. So, I walked up there and turned on the piano and began to play the sweetest yet most melancholy tune to ever come out. I closed my eyes and still it came, completely driven by something else. And as I closed my eyes... I saw them. A proud, handsome young man with short dark hair and piercing eyes, and a stunningly beautiful younger girl with incredible blonde tresses and an infectious smile with a twinkle in her eyes. They reached out and embraced me as the song became more empassioned and they told me it was okay. That they were sad... but that it was okay and they've been talking to me through the music for a long time... and they were so glad I finally heard them.
My motivation has been explained. My drive for the music in my heart and soul. Where it comes from and who it's for. It's from my children... the ones I'll never get to know in a physical sense... and it's for the world to hear. A peace like none other descended upon me as I finished the song. I began to understand Twink's role in this, Rob's role, V's role... everything played a part. I explained to Rob what had just happened.
He held me and cried with me. My hands are shaking as I write this. But now I know what pushes me forward to succeed even though there seems to be no earthly reason why. They're real. They exist. And they've never been far from my side... caring for me, watching over me and hoping once day that I would see them.
Every song I have is dedicated to those I never got the chance to meet. To my beautiful children... I devote my life to spending as much time with you in the music as I can. Together, we can make a difference. Nothing will drag me from this course. I love you with all my heart and every breath within me.
Love,
Mom
I wrote just a little while ago about what a beautiful day I just had yesterday. But nothing can compare to what just happened moments ago.
I went to Twink and Josh's for supper... a little confused... a little aggravated... mostly just tired. On my way, I sent a text to Twink saying I was on my way back. She texted back to me "back where?" So I called her. She had no idea that Josh had invited me over for dinner. After I hung up with her, I began to to my typical logicistical path down the winding road of "why". Why was he inviting me to dinner and not telling Twink? I know now that all the questions I had was me fighting my own jealousy.
I arrived to find that David and Josh had made dinner. They had invited a friend of theirs, Gene, to dinner as well. Once again the little twisted part of my brain starts producing thoughts like... Twink and Josh... coupled... David and Chris ... coupled... Gene and myself... uhm... singles from two different worlds. The twisted part of my brain began to whisper words saying that I was being mocked. I was being ridiculed in some way. That I would never be like they are. I would never have what they have. Gene felt uncomfortable... I could sense it. I was uncomfortable, too.
We had dinner... Taylor tried to cheer me up. She tried to make me feel wanted and loved... I'm convinced this little girl sees more than people give her credit for some times. I'll never know why she has such an attachment and fondness for me... but I'm so thankful for it. Her and Matt both. David has his moments... but he's also fourteen and trying to figure out his own self, his own independance, and going through biochemical changes that we all know are totures that even the most fiendish terrorists could not duplicate.
I had a couple of glasses of wine at dinner and it took me out of the general realm of control. I sill had motor functions but now the twisted parts of my head had room to work on me some more. I began to feel angry. I began to feel like a fixture and not like family. I knew well enough to not cause a scene and figured I should go... but my mouth is usually a dead give-away in cases like this... and tonight was no exception.
I told Twink and Josh thank you and that I needed to get home. Told them to have a good week and told Twink not to forget about this coming weekend. I then left very abruptly without giving hugs or even really proper good-byes... in short... I was being a dick.
On the way home, Twink questioned me via texts and a quick phone call asking what was wrong. I told her nothing. She knows better. She knows me way better than that... but she also knew I was shutting down and she wasn't going to get any more out of me. So she shut down, not wanting to deal with it. I don't blame her for that at all.
When I got home, Rob was up. I was not prepared to deal with him tonite. I was angry and I didn't even really know why. I told him to read the blog entry I had put up earlier and so he did. He came back out and apologized very well to me saying he didn't mean it the way I interpreted it... and I think he didn't even realize it was happening.
He tried to convince me that he IS interested in the music and impressed me by replaying what we had talked about the two tracks that I had tried to get him to listen to. He HAD been listening... I was just being an idiot.
Now here's where it went off the rails. He had my attention and we talked. I told him how angry I was at myself, at him, at everything. It felt like it was going to be the same old conversation again. But this time I felt a heat inside that wouldn't stop. A burning that I could not quench. The images I've had in my head, the visions, the remorse of my life's choices... had been boiling away all the fat I had layered into it and I had the cathartic moment of realization about why I'm so hard on myself. Why I can't seem to fit in. I started to cry and Rob held me... before I knew it I blurted it out... the core of what has been upsetting me... not that I gave up my birthright, my priviledge... not that I would never see a child with my eyes, nose, ears, etc. It was far more painful.
I shouted out, just barely. through my tears.. "I feel like I've murdered my own children before they were born!" This profundity hit me with the full force I had not experienced before. I suddenly didn't feel that burning inside. All the falseness, the selfish reasons, the self-centered reasons were gone and the real ugly truth appeared before me. To say I cried is an understatement. I was inconsolable. The very idea struck fear and loathing (no pun intended) in my heart and I just wanted to die... even though I know the natural order of life doesn't allow for that. It didn't change how I felt.
After a time, I calmed down enough to take Rob's suggestion to call Twink and talk to her about this... to get her perspective. She wasn't answering. Either she didn't hear the phone or didn't want to talk to me anymore last night. Upset, no doubt, that I could not share what was on my mind. But when tortured by thoughts that are so deeply guarded and protected by airs of principality and darkness... I was simply unale to explain any of this to her then... I know she WILL understand (in her own way) and I must apologize for my lack of trust. I am still growing and still learning, sis.
As I layed there on the bed... lost in my own thoughts about what I had done... considering unthinkable thoughts and behaviors... I heard a "thump, thump, thump" coming from upstaris and something inside me said to go sit at the piano. So, I walked up there and turned on the piano and began to play the sweetest yet most melancholy tune to ever come out. I closed my eyes and still it came, completely driven by something else. And as I closed my eyes... I saw them. A proud, handsome young man with short dark hair and piercing eyes, and a stunningly beautiful younger girl with incredible blonde tresses and an infectious smile with a twinkle in her eyes. They reached out and embraced me as the song became more empassioned and they told me it was okay. That they were sad... but that it was okay and they've been talking to me through the music for a long time... and they were so glad I finally heard them.
My motivation has been explained. My drive for the music in my heart and soul. Where it comes from and who it's for. It's from my children... the ones I'll never get to know in a physical sense... and it's for the world to hear. A peace like none other descended upon me as I finished the song. I began to understand Twink's role in this, Rob's role, V's role... everything played a part. I explained to Rob what had just happened.
He held me and cried with me. My hands are shaking as I write this. But now I know what pushes me forward to succeed even though there seems to be no earthly reason why. They're real. They exist. And they've never been far from my side... caring for me, watching over me and hoping once day that I would see them.
Every song I have is dedicated to those I never got the chance to meet. To my beautiful children... I devote my life to spending as much time with you in the music as I can. Together, we can make a difference. Nothing will drag me from this course. I love you with all my heart and every breath within me.
Love,
Mom
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Hmmm... From Night to Day...
So, yesterday I was supposed to go to this free concert with David and Chris.,.. however it got rained out. So, David said they were just gonna hang out over there instead and asked me to come. I said sure. This was at about 5 PM or so. Rob was home in bed asleep. I hadn't showered yet (was bein' lazy) and decided I should do that and make myself presentable (and less offending to the olfactory senses). Well, of course, this wakes up Rob and as I'm getting ready I can tell that he's agitated and wants to talk to me.
So I stop what I'm doing and ask him what he wants. He stammers a bit and eventually says he just wanted a hug. So... fine, that's cool.. I give him a hug. But for some reason, he continually acts as if I'm irritated with him offering me a hug... when really... I'm just irritated that I'm being interrupted in general. I was busy trying to get my hair done and get ready to go over to Twink's and he just gets too clingy with me when I'm in a "motivated mood." But then.. that's been one of our problems for the past 10 years... bad friggin' timing on both of our parts.
So now, he's upset thinking that I'm just thinking negative thoughts about him (which I wasn't at the time... it had been a while since I had seen him and it cool to see him again). I finish getting ready and go back up to the loft to finish burning a CD. I also had an issue at work that needed to be dealt with too.
So, I ask him to listen to a couple of tracks that I had recently ordered vinyl of online. He comes in, sits down and listens... but with the same distant stare that I always get which I've also seen before in other situations. I have come (in the many years together) to realize that it's the "I don't really care about this" stare. And once again, I feel stupid for trying to share something with him that gets me going and he shows no interest. So, I get through the other tracks quickly and figure I'll just say goodnight and head over to Twink's once the CD had finished burning.
No such luck. He decides to ask me if I wanted to go look at some bikes with him on Sunday... knowing full well that I'll probably be up all night Saturday night and may not be able to function Sunday to do much... which always bugs him when I'm that way... but it's not like he ever attends the things I'm interested in either.
I'm already in an "I don't care" mood now because of how he's reacted to me and has interpretted actions that weren't so. So I say, "I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow." To which he made the leap (in his already preturbed state that I didn't immediately see "his pain" and leap to assist him through it by telling him everything's okay) that apparently in his mind I meant that everyone else in my life was more important than him.
3 hours later...
I'm fed up. He's fed up. Again. We've dredged up more of the past and slung it in each others' faces, making accusations, defending positions, blah blah blah... and I just finally said I had to go. By that time, Twink had sent me a text saying "I guess you're not coming" because it was now past 9 pm. I don't blame her... I would have been there about two hours earlier otherwise. Plus, I had to blow off work and say I would take care of it today instead (which I did and it caused no grief since the clients weren't actively looking for the data that was delayed, anyway).
So I leave for Twink's pretty irritated. But I've learned to process it much more quickly and not let it continue to bother me any more because it's just counter productive to what I'm planning to do (which is have a good time) and no one really wants to hear it anyway, to be honest. I get there and find that David, his wife Chris, Josh, Twink and a friend of Josh's are already there... but only Twink is in the house... the rest of them are in the shed enjoying some goodies that David had... wheee!
So Twink and I start watching a movie that I had been wanting her to see... "What Dreams May Come." I highly suggest it to EVERYONE out there. About 30 minutes into the movie... chaos begins. People start filtering in, trying to figure out what's going on.. what we're watching and why. I realize pretty quickly what substance of choice had been selected for the evening's festivities... but I didn't know that EVERYONE already had a head start on me. I made the conscious decision to not join in in that respect... wanted to see how things worked from the other side for once. :) It was, for the most part, entertaining.
However, at one point, Josh's friend begins to get loud and boisterous while the kids are trying to sleep. This guy continues to ignore Twink's pleas for him to be quiet and in fact begins to disrespect her wishes in her own house... not to mention making some rather lewd comments indicating that he really just wanted to get laid that night and party... not deal with movies and sleeping children.
The night wore on and it got worse... up to the point where this guy had to be asked (firmly, several times) to leave... which he finally did. The rest of the night was pretty smooth... but I didn't see anyone other than David for the rest of the night. I guess they all thought I had left because I went to the shed with David (figured I could use a little pick-me-up of some kind, at least). David and I had a great talk too. I'm glad because I really like him as a friend and hope that we can continue that. I think we reached an understanding about each other that wasn't there before.
And that's when things turned wonderful. Twink's kids woke up. :) They came out and we watched the last part of Willy Wonka all cuddled up together. We played the "got your nose" game and had a couple of tickle fights and pile-ons as kids are want to do. I got them breakfast, gave Taylor her medicine... and we watched The Muppet Movie and continued to spend the day lounging around, playing and giggling. It was by far, the best part of the weekend, to be honest.
The day wore on and I really didn't want to leave. I've realized that I really want to be able to see a child or two or more grow up. On a daily basis. To see them learn, help them with their homework, teach them what's right and wrong... how to behave and how not to behave... help them through tough times at school with their peers... all the things a parent would do. The more I think about it... the farther away of a reality it seems... but the dream is a nice one. Sure, it's a lot of work... but nothing worth anything is ever easy.
I hope one day, maybe this little dream that everyone has will be realized. That I'll find someone who doesn't assume the worst of me... totally gets me... and I totally get them... and that we can build a life with children involved. But... time is running out. I'm 36... eventually, raising a child will be a ridiculous concept for my age... the age difference between parents is a hard one for kids to deal with ... I know... I went through that.
Anyway... I've been ordered to supper at Twink's. I guess I'll put the hamburger back in the fridge and get my happy ass back over there. More later. :)
So I stop what I'm doing and ask him what he wants. He stammers a bit and eventually says he just wanted a hug. So... fine, that's cool.. I give him a hug. But for some reason, he continually acts as if I'm irritated with him offering me a hug... when really... I'm just irritated that I'm being interrupted in general. I was busy trying to get my hair done and get ready to go over to Twink's and he just gets too clingy with me when I'm in a "motivated mood." But then.. that's been one of our problems for the past 10 years... bad friggin' timing on both of our parts.
So now, he's upset thinking that I'm just thinking negative thoughts about him (which I wasn't at the time... it had been a while since I had seen him and it cool to see him again). I finish getting ready and go back up to the loft to finish burning a CD. I also had an issue at work that needed to be dealt with too.
So, I ask him to listen to a couple of tracks that I had recently ordered vinyl of online. He comes in, sits down and listens... but with the same distant stare that I always get which I've also seen before in other situations. I have come (in the many years together) to realize that it's the "I don't really care about this" stare. And once again, I feel stupid for trying to share something with him that gets me going and he shows no interest. So, I get through the other tracks quickly and figure I'll just say goodnight and head over to Twink's once the CD had finished burning.
No such luck. He decides to ask me if I wanted to go look at some bikes with him on Sunday... knowing full well that I'll probably be up all night Saturday night and may not be able to function Sunday to do much... which always bugs him when I'm that way... but it's not like he ever attends the things I'm interested in either.
I'm already in an "I don't care" mood now because of how he's reacted to me and has interpretted actions that weren't so. So I say, "I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow." To which he made the leap (in his already preturbed state that I didn't immediately see "his pain" and leap to assist him through it by telling him everything's okay) that apparently in his mind I meant that everyone else in my life was more important than him.
3 hours later...
I'm fed up. He's fed up. Again. We've dredged up more of the past and slung it in each others' faces, making accusations, defending positions, blah blah blah... and I just finally said I had to go. By that time, Twink had sent me a text saying "I guess you're not coming" because it was now past 9 pm. I don't blame her... I would have been there about two hours earlier otherwise. Plus, I had to blow off work and say I would take care of it today instead (which I did and it caused no grief since the clients weren't actively looking for the data that was delayed, anyway).
So I leave for Twink's pretty irritated. But I've learned to process it much more quickly and not let it continue to bother me any more because it's just counter productive to what I'm planning to do (which is have a good time) and no one really wants to hear it anyway, to be honest. I get there and find that David, his wife Chris, Josh, Twink and a friend of Josh's are already there... but only Twink is in the house... the rest of them are in the shed enjoying some goodies that David had... wheee!
So Twink and I start watching a movie that I had been wanting her to see... "What Dreams May Come." I highly suggest it to EVERYONE out there. About 30 minutes into the movie... chaos begins. People start filtering in, trying to figure out what's going on.. what we're watching and why. I realize pretty quickly what substance of choice had been selected for the evening's festivities... but I didn't know that EVERYONE already had a head start on me. I made the conscious decision to not join in in that respect... wanted to see how things worked from the other side for once. :) It was, for the most part, entertaining.
However, at one point, Josh's friend begins to get loud and boisterous while the kids are trying to sleep. This guy continues to ignore Twink's pleas for him to be quiet and in fact begins to disrespect her wishes in her own house... not to mention making some rather lewd comments indicating that he really just wanted to get laid that night and party... not deal with movies and sleeping children.
The night wore on and it got worse... up to the point where this guy had to be asked (firmly, several times) to leave... which he finally did. The rest of the night was pretty smooth... but I didn't see anyone other than David for the rest of the night. I guess they all thought I had left because I went to the shed with David (figured I could use a little pick-me-up of some kind, at least). David and I had a great talk too. I'm glad because I really like him as a friend and hope that we can continue that. I think we reached an understanding about each other that wasn't there before.
And that's when things turned wonderful. Twink's kids woke up. :) They came out and we watched the last part of Willy Wonka all cuddled up together. We played the "got your nose" game and had a couple of tickle fights and pile-ons as kids are want to do. I got them breakfast, gave Taylor her medicine... and we watched The Muppet Movie and continued to spend the day lounging around, playing and giggling. It was by far, the best part of the weekend, to be honest.
The day wore on and I really didn't want to leave. I've realized that I really want to be able to see a child or two or more grow up. On a daily basis. To see them learn, help them with their homework, teach them what's right and wrong... how to behave and how not to behave... help them through tough times at school with their peers... all the things a parent would do. The more I think about it... the farther away of a reality it seems... but the dream is a nice one. Sure, it's a lot of work... but nothing worth anything is ever easy.
I hope one day, maybe this little dream that everyone has will be realized. That I'll find someone who doesn't assume the worst of me... totally gets me... and I totally get them... and that we can build a life with children involved. But... time is running out. I'm 36... eventually, raising a child will be a ridiculous concept for my age... the age difference between parents is a hard one for kids to deal with ... I know... I went through that.
Anyway... I've been ordered to supper at Twink's. I guess I'll put the hamburger back in the fridge and get my happy ass back over there. More later. :)
Thursday, February 9, 2006
21 hours until Florida
BLARGH!
I'm getting very frustrated with things here now. It seems like for every good thing that happens, about 3 bad things have to happen. I spent the day trying to get through meeting after fucking meeting (MAFM.... not quite like TAFT... but feels the same) so that I could get some actual work done. This was AFTER they rebuilt the application server I'm working on but BEFORE the database server is ready... and we get to the end of the day only to find out that no one had bothered to put the database client drivers on the application server... for those of you who don't know... you HAVE to have these drivers to access a database. And of course, no one was around with the drivers that had the permissions to install them by the time we figured this out. So... ANOTHER wasted day, basically. Wanted to shoot myself. And the MEETINGS... oh my god... people that don't know shit about shit trying to tell me how to migrate software I wrote in the first place... I swear I just wanted to say, "Good Luck with that" and walk out.
The only good thing that happened in the meeting was something funny the project manager said. The QA people in Denver were asking why the Orlando QA people couldn't help out with the migration efforts. The PM MEANT to say "Because they're supporting live production." What she said instead was "Because they're holding up production." I about fell out of my chair... had to grab my mouth or laugh out loud. It wasn't too far from the truth, after all.
I was going to go out tonight... but the wind and temperature changed my mind. It's fucking freezing up here now. I can't wait to get hoome to my blessed heat and humidity. I suppose I could eventually get used to this... but I miss Florida so much... those I consider friends and family are there... and I miss them so much.
On top of all this... I burned myself on the over door tonite. Probably will have a nice big scar on my arm too. I'm trying to keep it iced... but y'all know how that is... Me? Stay still long enough to heal? Hardly. I need a keeper.
I've been writing a lot of things in my journal lately about family, love, life, romance, friendship, etc. and a lot of it has had a melancholy and even dismal tone. I'm not feeling wretched folks. But every now and then I have to do some woolgathering and think out loud. That's what these things are for anyway, right? In addition, of course, to venting about stupidity and raising the roof about the good things. :)
So, don't worry too much about me. I'm appreciative of the concern and the love, don't get me wrong... but I'm not the basket case I sometimes make myself out to be. There's a fine line I guess... ya just gotta know how I communicate. :)
Anyway, a good friend that I've not talked to in a long time just signed on and he's waiting for me to chat with him. So, I'm gonna close this for now. I don't know if I'll be posting tomorrow or not. I doubt it, but we'll see.
Hugs,
Jenna
I'm getting very frustrated with things here now. It seems like for every good thing that happens, about 3 bad things have to happen. I spent the day trying to get through meeting after fucking meeting (MAFM.... not quite like TAFT... but feels the same) so that I could get some actual work done. This was AFTER they rebuilt the application server I'm working on but BEFORE the database server is ready... and we get to the end of the day only to find out that no one had bothered to put the database client drivers on the application server... for those of you who don't know... you HAVE to have these drivers to access a database. And of course, no one was around with the drivers that had the permissions to install them by the time we figured this out. So... ANOTHER wasted day, basically. Wanted to shoot myself. And the MEETINGS... oh my god... people that don't know shit about shit trying to tell me how to migrate software I wrote in the first place... I swear I just wanted to say, "Good Luck with that" and walk out.
The only good thing that happened in the meeting was something funny the project manager said. The QA people in Denver were asking why the Orlando QA people couldn't help out with the migration efforts. The PM MEANT to say "Because they're supporting live production." What she said instead was "Because they're holding up production." I about fell out of my chair... had to grab my mouth or laugh out loud. It wasn't too far from the truth, after all.
I was going to go out tonight... but the wind and temperature changed my mind. It's fucking freezing up here now. I can't wait to get hoome to my blessed heat and humidity. I suppose I could eventually get used to this... but I miss Florida so much... those I consider friends and family are there... and I miss them so much.
On top of all this... I burned myself on the over door tonite. Probably will have a nice big scar on my arm too. I'm trying to keep it iced... but y'all know how that is... Me? Stay still long enough to heal? Hardly. I need a keeper.
I've been writing a lot of things in my journal lately about family, love, life, romance, friendship, etc. and a lot of it has had a melancholy and even dismal tone. I'm not feeling wretched folks. But every now and then I have to do some woolgathering and think out loud. That's what these things are for anyway, right? In addition, of course, to venting about stupidity and raising the roof about the good things. :)
So, don't worry too much about me. I'm appreciative of the concern and the love, don't get me wrong... but I'm not the basket case I sometimes make myself out to be. There's a fine line I guess... ya just gotta know how I communicate. :)
Anyway, a good friend that I've not talked to in a long time just signed on and he's waiting for me to chat with him. So, I'm gonna close this for now. I don't know if I'll be posting tomorrow or not. I doubt it, but we'll see.
Hugs,
Jenna
A Rough Day
Yesterday was a pretty rough day. The day before was awesome so I guess it all balances out. Hopefully today will be somewhere in the middle.
Yesterday I walked in to a pile of shit. Not literally (I think I could have seen and avoided that.. but who knows with me) but vocationally. I get in, check my e-mail and there's an e-mail from my boss's boss saying that, basically, I've been a jack-ass. As I looked through the chain, I see that two people I consider to be my peers have taken it upon themselves to question some of the actions I have taken in Denver in order to move us forward toward our goal. Apparently since I didn't run it by them first, even though they had nothing to do with it, it wasn't right.
So, I had to go to the person that stated the mess and talk to her about it. I had to explain that she disrespected me and could have come and talked to me personally rather than go so far above my head that even my manager knew nothing about it. Whee.
Then, later, we find that the hardware we've been using for testing isn't appropriate for anything we're using it for. Joy. It has to be rebuilt. This means that the last two weeks have almost been a total waste of time. I could have done everything I did here in Orlando. Of course, I never would have had the chance to party with Twink in Denver or go to Vail, Colorado... but still, it's just frustrating.
On top of that... I don't know... this is hard. It is a sad state in one's life when one realizes that they've been pursuing something that just didn't matter. Even worse, when faced with what they were supposed to pursue... and realizing it's so far away that they may never catch up to it... it's like a knife through the heart. I'm not going to get into the details. They're far too personal. Suffice to say that I'm having a personal crisis of faith... faith in myself and what I've done to my life. I've put my faith in science and man. Not in family and love. In my heart, I have always been about family and love... but my actions would seem to indicate otherwise. All I can do and be now is someone who helps others see the truth and realize what's important in life. I can turn my sacrifice into something beautiful if I try. Maybe that's why I've been blessed with what seems to be no earthly worries and as many talents as I have been. To teach and inform. To reach out to those who are confused or lost and help show them the way back... before it's too late. To be an example. I know, some of you have no clue what I'm talking about... some of you do and think I'm being melodramatic. But I consider this to be of paramount importance. No greater love, style.
Well, I need to get to work. So I'll close this for now. More later.
Yesterday I walked in to a pile of shit. Not literally (I think I could have seen and avoided that.. but who knows with me) but vocationally. I get in, check my e-mail and there's an e-mail from my boss's boss saying that, basically, I've been a jack-ass. As I looked through the chain, I see that two people I consider to be my peers have taken it upon themselves to question some of the actions I have taken in Denver in order to move us forward toward our goal. Apparently since I didn't run it by them first, even though they had nothing to do with it, it wasn't right.
So, I had to go to the person that stated the mess and talk to her about it. I had to explain that she disrespected me and could have come and talked to me personally rather than go so far above my head that even my manager knew nothing about it. Whee.
Then, later, we find that the hardware we've been using for testing isn't appropriate for anything we're using it for. Joy. It has to be rebuilt. This means that the last two weeks have almost been a total waste of time. I could have done everything I did here in Orlando. Of course, I never would have had the chance to party with Twink in Denver or go to Vail, Colorado... but still, it's just frustrating.
On top of that... I don't know... this is hard. It is a sad state in one's life when one realizes that they've been pursuing something that just didn't matter. Even worse, when faced with what they were supposed to pursue... and realizing it's so far away that they may never catch up to it... it's like a knife through the heart. I'm not going to get into the details. They're far too personal. Suffice to say that I'm having a personal crisis of faith... faith in myself and what I've done to my life. I've put my faith in science and man. Not in family and love. In my heart, I have always been about family and love... but my actions would seem to indicate otherwise. All I can do and be now is someone who helps others see the truth and realize what's important in life. I can turn my sacrifice into something beautiful if I try. Maybe that's why I've been blessed with what seems to be no earthly worries and as many talents as I have been. To teach and inform. To reach out to those who are confused or lost and help show them the way back... before it's too late. To be an example. I know, some of you have no clue what I'm talking about... some of you do and think I'm being melodramatic. But I consider this to be of paramount importance. No greater love, style.
Well, I need to get to work. So I'll close this for now. More later.
Wednesday, February 8, 2006
Avalanche 5, Oilers 2
So... for those of you who can read my private entries (which better be nobody), you would know that I've been pretty damned empowered lately. Things in my life have been moving in a direction that are very good and they've been empowering me to do more, be more, etc.
Today, I went in to work and discovered that I've been the topic of conversation a lot lately. I've been considered to be an extremely valuable asset to FHMS and apparently someone they want to make sure hangs around. This was all manifested today in an invite that blew me away.
Early this morning while trying to help some of the folks learn the system, I got a call from my boss's boss asking me to join her tonite with a few others in going to dinner, drinks and a hockey game. I was flattered and said sure. Little did I know what I was in for.
This was a special event. Big Wigs from Marriott were in town. They were taking them out to wine and dine them and wanted to include me for all the hard work I've done while I've been here. Not only did we go to the game, we were in First Horizon's private box. Fucking awesome seats! On several occasions, my name was brought up and I was touted as being in the forefront of the company's move towards more client-driven systems. I had nothing to do with this... it was Marriott and FHMS both that were blowing my horn. I was floored! It completely put me in a new position. I felt wanted. Needed. Appreciated. Much different than Orlando. I felt empowered and motivated to do just that much more. But not for the reasons they think.
My motivation has been solely based on my drive to be able to provide for the people I care about. To build a family that is cared for, provided for... and that cares and provides for me. The fact that FHMS is willing to give me the opportunity to make that happen is fucking brilliant! Between this, building my own company and working on my own music... I know I can be the person I was meant to be. Understand that nothing will ever come between me and those that I consider to be family. But from the way FHMS talks, this could be the sweetest thing in the world for everyone involved.
I must weigh things carefully tho. Too often in the past I have let the crap of this world entertain me into a slumber that made me think I was getting somewhere. But I was still lonely. No one to share this with makes all of this worth nothing. That will not happen again... EVER. I will do whatever it takes to prove to those that I care about that I'm for real; that what I say means something and always will. I've been afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of losing everything. That fear is gone. I know now that no matter what I do in life, as long as my love for those I care about is in the forefront and that I maintain a balance between work and home... things will be perfect.
There is so much to say and right now I'm too overwhelmed and too tired from all the activity tonight to say it. I'm signing off and hitting the sack. I need some sleep. :)
PLUR,
Jenna
Today, I went in to work and discovered that I've been the topic of conversation a lot lately. I've been considered to be an extremely valuable asset to FHMS and apparently someone they want to make sure hangs around. This was all manifested today in an invite that blew me away.
Early this morning while trying to help some of the folks learn the system, I got a call from my boss's boss asking me to join her tonite with a few others in going to dinner, drinks and a hockey game. I was flattered and said sure. Little did I know what I was in for.
This was a special event. Big Wigs from Marriott were in town. They were taking them out to wine and dine them and wanted to include me for all the hard work I've done while I've been here. Not only did we go to the game, we were in First Horizon's private box. Fucking awesome seats! On several occasions, my name was brought up and I was touted as being in the forefront of the company's move towards more client-driven systems. I had nothing to do with this... it was Marriott and FHMS both that were blowing my horn. I was floored! It completely put me in a new position. I felt wanted. Needed. Appreciated. Much different than Orlando. I felt empowered and motivated to do just that much more. But not for the reasons they think.
My motivation has been solely based on my drive to be able to provide for the people I care about. To build a family that is cared for, provided for... and that cares and provides for me. The fact that FHMS is willing to give me the opportunity to make that happen is fucking brilliant! Between this, building my own company and working on my own music... I know I can be the person I was meant to be. Understand that nothing will ever come between me and those that I consider to be family. But from the way FHMS talks, this could be the sweetest thing in the world for everyone involved.
I must weigh things carefully tho. Too often in the past I have let the crap of this world entertain me into a slumber that made me think I was getting somewhere. But I was still lonely. No one to share this with makes all of this worth nothing. That will not happen again... EVER. I will do whatever it takes to prove to those that I care about that I'm for real; that what I say means something and always will. I've been afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of losing everything. That fear is gone. I know now that no matter what I do in life, as long as my love for those I care about is in the forefront and that I maintain a balance between work and home... things will be perfect.
There is so much to say and right now I'm too overwhelmed and too tired from all the activity tonight to say it. I'm signing off and hitting the sack. I need some sleep. :)
PLUR,
Jenna
Monday, February 6, 2006
A Stellar Day
It's funny when you think you have clarity and then find out you didn't. It's beautiful actually. That happened to me today. It was as if a light finally switched on somewhere in my brain that had been turned off, and the switch had been glued, nailed and cemented over.
It was so intoxicating, so moving, so driving, empowering, motivating that I couldn't focus on anything else other than the truth that had been illuminated. I am in love. For the first time in my life, I am 100% completely head-over-heels, give 100% of everything I am, fully acceptant, out-of-this-world, phenomenally and as many other adjective and adverbs as you can come up with... in love. So in love that if the object of my love can not reciprocate that, it's still okay. It's not a crush, a fantasy, a wild-hare, lust, infatuation, or anything so physically driven that it doesn't matter. It's a pure, unadulterated, "holy fuck how do we keep this going" love. It's a love that doesn't require a committment, because it's already there. It's a love that doesn't require work, because it already exists. It's a love that doesn't even require physical intimacy... because it transcends that. It's a love that doesn't need to be justified, explained or reasoned... because those that require such reasons don't understand it and may never will. It's a love so overpowering, that I'm willing to give IT control, and give myself the backseat. And in turn, it takes me where I want to go, where I need to go.
I was so empowered, I worked harder and smarter than I have in years. I was accomplishing things I set out to do with a passion and a drive I've not felt for even longer. Knowing that love exists, seeing it for what it is and finally letting it govern my path... has made all the difference today and will continue to do so for as long as I live. No matter what happens or how things turn out.
I had a good talk with one of the VPs of First Horizon today. I was honest with her and she was honest with me. We talked about what's wrong in Orlando, what can be changed, and I impressed upon her how on board I am with making things work for everyone. That I'm, "In The House" so to speak.
I also had a chat with Ansley today about her situation. It was funny, one thing she mentioned ... I won't divulge information of a private chat between her and I but this part I can. She had said at one point, in reference to the government telling people what they can and can not do... "Separation of Church and State people!" To which I responded, "You know what, if they want each other so badly... they can have each other. They're two oppressive organizations all about control. Seems like a good match to me. Maybe they'll fight over control and knock each other out. How about separation of THEM and US."
I've had a fucking awesome day. I hope that everyone else has too. I really want everyone to feel this way. It's the difference between life and death, I swear on all I hold dear. More Later.
Hugs,
Jenna
It was so intoxicating, so moving, so driving, empowering, motivating that I couldn't focus on anything else other than the truth that had been illuminated. I am in love. For the first time in my life, I am 100% completely head-over-heels, give 100% of everything I am, fully acceptant, out-of-this-world, phenomenally and as many other adjective and adverbs as you can come up with... in love. So in love that if the object of my love can not reciprocate that, it's still okay. It's not a crush, a fantasy, a wild-hare, lust, infatuation, or anything so physically driven that it doesn't matter. It's a pure, unadulterated, "holy fuck how do we keep this going" love. It's a love that doesn't require a committment, because it's already there. It's a love that doesn't require work, because it already exists. It's a love that doesn't even require physical intimacy... because it transcends that. It's a love that doesn't need to be justified, explained or reasoned... because those that require such reasons don't understand it and may never will. It's a love so overpowering, that I'm willing to give IT control, and give myself the backseat. And in turn, it takes me where I want to go, where I need to go.
I was so empowered, I worked harder and smarter than I have in years. I was accomplishing things I set out to do with a passion and a drive I've not felt for even longer. Knowing that love exists, seeing it for what it is and finally letting it govern my path... has made all the difference today and will continue to do so for as long as I live. No matter what happens or how things turn out.
I had a good talk with one of the VPs of First Horizon today. I was honest with her and she was honest with me. We talked about what's wrong in Orlando, what can be changed, and I impressed upon her how on board I am with making things work for everyone. That I'm, "In The House" so to speak.
I also had a chat with Ansley today about her situation. It was funny, one thing she mentioned ... I won't divulge information of a private chat between her and I but this part I can. She had said at one point, in reference to the government telling people what they can and can not do... "Separation of Church and State people!" To which I responded, "You know what, if they want each other so badly... they can have each other. They're two oppressive organizations all about control. Seems like a good match to me. Maybe they'll fight over control and knock each other out. How about separation of THEM and US."
I've had a fucking awesome day. I hope that everyone else has too. I really want everyone to feel this way. It's the difference between life and death, I swear on all I hold dear. More Later.
Hugs,
Jenna
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