La la la

Nov 2nd - Boy Band Awareness Day - Yes, Friday we were all to be aware of boy-bands. I don't think that's too hard since they're all over the place in Florida. It's almost as if Disney has a big machine somewhere that spits them out once every few years just to keep there from being a vacuum. Nature abhors a vacuum and Disney is so natural you know.

Nov 3rd - Exhibitionism Day - I think I celebrated this early this year. I won't say how or why but I'm pretty sure it was early this year.

Nov 4th - Erection Day - Yes, this usually follows exhibitionism ... however I think this year this particular holiday passed us by without notice. Typical.

Nov 5th - Disposable Applicator Day - Whee! I'm not even doing to talk about this.

So, life is having it's ups and downs again. Just when I think I've got everything balanced within my life, something else comes along and unbalances it. I end up overextending myself and keep the ones I care about from hitting the ground too hard, but then I end up looking like I've been through the Spanish inquisition. Yes, I know the pope apologized for that... big whoop. Moving right along.

I seem to be getting very good at making people uncomfortable. Is this my lot in life? Am I destined not to experience a true, deep and meaningful relationship? Am I only allowed to have a sample, a taste of it and then have it yanked away at the first inkling that I'm interested in it? Seems to be. I guess I should be as I was before, simple-minded, thinking only of myself and not concerned about anything else. Give because I want to give and for no other reasons or expectations. Live my life, get it under control and not let my heart bleed so much.

I think it's time to listen to a song and move on. Here's the song... have a great day folks. Do what you gotta to make things right.

Quarterflash - Harden My Heart

Cryin' on the corner, waitin' in the rain
I swear I'll never, ever wait again
You gave me your word..but words for you are lies

Darlin' in my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd go
But it's time to let you know....oh...

Chorus:
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn...and...leave you here.....

All of my life I've been waitin' in the rain
I've been waiting for a feeling...that never, ever came
It feels so close, but always disappears....

Darlin', in your wildest dreams, you never had a clue...
But it's time you got the news......oooo....

Repeat Chorus

I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
Harden my heart...harden my heart...
swallow my tears
I'm gonna harden my heart....

Peace,
Jenna

Oof...

This world keeps getting more and more frightening every day. Today's xkcd comic sent my brain through another vortex. There are far too many people out there who are simultaneously experiencing the same emotional state as me. Check it:




*sigh* ... I've been the guy with the hair, I've been the girl... now it seems I'm the bald guy. Hmm... unnecessary overly dramatic sheep dip, you say? Perhaps. Perhaps I should be thankful for what I have even though I know it could be taken away at any moment in time. Argh... this see-saw is getting on my nerves. I'm not sure how I always end up doing it but I seem to always end up treating people exactly the way they don't want to be treated ... through no intentions of doing so, mind you. This is bringing me, full circle, back again to the concept of non-interference.

*sigh^2* ... So I guess the true answer to why I'm going through all this is simple. Everyone is bound to hate me for my actions on one day or another for one reason or another. If I do x ... I neglect y. If I do y... I ignore x. I can't make everyone happy nor will I try to anymore. I'll just make myself happy and those around me can work that out for themselves. If something I'm doing for myself makes them unhappy or make them feel I'm insensitive, that's their insecurities not mine. I'm so tired of being apologetic and wrapped up in tales of misery and woe. Why can't I turn this around? I don't know. But I'm starting to really get tired of it going the direction it's going.

So, with that, I'm going to get on this code and try to get some work done.

Follow up to " ... le sigh ... "

I could have just edited my last entry, but I chose to write again instead. What it boils down to, I think, are two words... "If Only"

In my book, "If Only" is a shortened version of "If and Only If." If and only if, in logic and fields that rely on it such as mathematics and philosophy, is a logical connective between statements which means that the truth of either one of the statements requires the truth of the other. Thus, either both statements are true, or both are false.

In writing, common alternative phrases to "if and only if" include iff, Q is necessary and sufficient for P, P is equivalent to Q, P precisely if Q, P precisely (or exactly) when Q, P exactly in case Q, and P just in case Q.

The statement "(P iff Q)" is equivalent to the statement "not (P xor Q)" or "P == Q" in computer science.

If Only you had a penis. If Only you had a vagina. If Only you wore makeup. If Only you hadn't changed. If Only you didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, pick your nose, wear those clothes, smell like vanilla. If Only you were shorter, taller, prettier, more masculine, more feminine, fatter, skinnier, hairier, less hairy, healthier, more spontaneous, smarter, less risky, sexier, younger, older, wiser, richer, poorer, around n years ago.... it goes ON and ON and ON and ON.

As my mother would say, there's only one out there in all of existence that will 100% accept me for who I am and that's God. Well, that's all fine and dandy but, gosh darn it, why is it as it is? Why can't someone accept me... ALL of me... all my faults and foibles, all my highs and lows, my past, present and unknown future?

I keep telling myself and others that I'm not perfect as if to justify my shortcomings to others. But I was happier when I knew was perfect; regardless of whether it was true to someone else or not. It seems, most times, that these shortcomings, as identified by others, are only shortcomings to them, not to me. Am I to change myself that drastically for the comfort of another? Is the compromise that important? Why would one who is complete in Love ask another to compromise themselves for one's sake? I guess I just won't compromise myself for the sake of another and would never think to ask another to compromise for my sake (I have been accused of that, tho). Sounds like a lonely existence... and hence is the answer to my problem. I am stubborn and pig-headed and I am attracted to those that are similar in nature.

Or maybe, just maybe, I'm just so devastated at the loss of Love in my life that I've become too gun-shy to budge on my ideas. When I change to accommodate another, I give up a piece of myself that I would have hoped they would have loved just as much as the rest of me. This is closer to the truth now. I'm too scared to give my full trust to another anymore, given my past experiences. When the act of giving is rejected, taken for granted, received without joy or not reciprocated... it becomes less symbiotic and more parasitic.

So yeah... that's it in a nutshell.

The kicker is this. I am experiencing this because I put this out on that great wheel of life, myself. Now it's come back to me, larger than before I put it on there. Taking this off the wheel and handing it to God is my only hope here. Some day, I hope to have more to offer Him again than just my troubles.

Peace,
Jenna

... le sigh ...

I'm alright. I'm just bored and lonely, people. That's all. When everything begins to blend together and be the same as everything else... when correlations, coincidences and life events all smack of the same feeling of futility, it inevitably leads to the general pathos I'm wrapped up in now. When expectations are high and actualities are low, the disappointment that fills the void is all-consuming.

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." -- William Shakespeare "Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, 'Hey...life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much.' Of course I'm paraphrasing: 'Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.'" -- Harris Telemacher (Steve Martin) in L.A. Story

But all it takes is one small thing to snap me out of it and fill me with purpose, drive and desire again. For Harris, it was a girl. But that was only when his life was so wrapped up in his own pursuits that she came out of the blue and smacked him right between the eyes. I think that works for someone who has never seen it before. It's easy to understand why it's a person for some people. They see a future, a family, a life spent together with joy and love and holidays and friendships and arguments and nosy-neighbors and chicken-pox and baseball games and friday night boozers, etc. all culminating in a life spent together in friendship and love and joy until death. What a great way to spend the time. Once one finds that, if they're smart, they don't let it go. Mom and Dad found that almost 55 years ago now. Smart. But what do you do when you've seen it... and it is denied you? What happens when you touched the face of your future, have seen someone as an old man or old woman, have seen the potential of what life could be and yet the reality of such events are held away from you just out of your reach? It tempts you to try to reach up and grab them only to make a fool of you when it's pulled away at the last minute. It's like watching Lucy Van Pelt and Charlie Brown play football. I can vocalize all I want about how I don't need someone in my life and that there's plenty to keep me busy and interested. But once one has touched and been touched by true Love, nothing else will suffice, period. Perhaps this is just my Green Mile for my crimes. If so, I accept it (I'll still bitch about it from time to time) and pray that the Mile isn't much longer.

Peace,
Jenna

Wheee!

So yesterday was good! I got paid a day early (w00t!), I got an extra $200 from someone who owed me money, I worked out a decent housing situation, I went to a costume party last night and I found $6 in my pocket that I didn't know I had. :) The boys came home from the party about 3 hours after I did ... there was some sort of drunken drama that I completely and utterly ignored. Then this morning I woke up late (blah). I got myself started and realized I needed to get money orders still. Argh! So I ran to the bank and took care of that and then finally got in to work where both my boss and his boss were on me about helping them with an emergency that my computer setup was unprepared for. After about 15 minutes of getting that set up, they no longer needed me. BLARGH!! *whew* So anyway, now I'm kinda going "what the heck just hit me?" and trying to put back together what I was going to do today. I'm a little nervous about trying since I'm sure something will come along to screw it up. Guess that's the nature of life. But as I was telling Heather yesterday, I'd rather not kill Murphy (the dude that made Murphy's law) simply because nature abhors a vacuum and I shudder to think of what nature could conjure up to replace him. Now my busy-body co-worker has come in so I'm going to close this. Have fun today kiddies... it's all-saints day, you know. Peace, Me

Real Quick

Just a quick image post... I'll write more later:

Real Quick

Just a quick image post... I'll write more later: