Damaged

I've not posted here in a while. Most of my internet addiction has been concentrated on Facebook lately... but I think I've finally kicked that habit.

Life has been an emotional roller-coaster ride lately all due to my interactions with one person. It's not been a fun ride, either. I like roller-coasters so perhaps I should give this a more appropriate metaphor... it's been more like torture.

It's important to be careful about who you trust in your life with any real information about you. Gender identity, daily activities, sexual identity don't count, in my opinion. We're sorta past these things and have accepted them about ourselves. Others who can't accept them ... well, that's their problem.

No, I'm talking about things you may have done that could REALLY come back to bite you in the ass. It's not even about trust, really. You can trust someone one minute and completely distrust them the next. The best litmus test, in my opinion, about whether or not someone is trustworthy is to see how they've handled some of their other past friends... and then make the determination as to whether or not they could (at some point) also do that to you.

This is practical advice, honestly. Of course, there's also the question as to why we even tell anyone our dirty little secrets at all. Maybe we secretly want to pay for our past "crimes" and are looking for someone to call us out on something we don't have the strength to bring out into the light ourselves. Regardless, one should be prepared for anything that might come from this.

Basically, right now, all this has left me so emotionally and mentally damaged I'm finding it very hard to trust anyone.... which is kinda shitty since that's all I really want out of life, honestly... someone I can trust with my secrets that won't leave... won't judge... and will stand by me through thick and thin. Someone who will help me find the strength to face my "crimes" and will, without a shadow of doubt, be there with me regardless of the outcome.

So far, still no luck with that. In fact, it keeps getting worse.

So, I have to clean my sheets myself. I have to deal with my past myself... without someone to talk to about them... without someone to encourage me and say, "it's okay, you'll make it ... and I'm not going anywhere."

Kinda sucks... but it's okay, I guess.

I'll write more about this past weekend later. Right now, I just needed to get all that off my chest.

Peace,
Jenna

How is that my problem?

So it's been 5 months since I last wrote... that's a hot minute or two, isn't it? A lot has happened in my life, that's all I can really say... and yet nothing has really changed that much. Typical. It's the inevitable curse of the one who wants to know how all the magician's tricks work. They want to be the magician. Problem is... there's no-one left that wants to be mystified. It's an imbalance, you see.

Okay... this may ramble a bit, sorry... try to keep up (I'm struggling to write it so you should have to struggle to read it... I try to keep things fair).

What happens when all the wonder is gone? When there's nothing but cold hard facts and there's no mystery anymore, what do we have left to wonder about? Well, we can start to wonder why we were so curious in the first place and back track until we figure it out. But then we're right back where we started from... with nothing left to wonder about.

But that's not what I was going to write about... because I actually DO have something to wonder about, still. I wonder why it is that people don't see the obvious. I wonder why it is that people make stories about things rather than take them at face value. It strikes me very odd.

I have a friend who thinks that I think he's the reason for my happiness. He honestly believes that I've pinned all my hopes and dreams on him... yet we are not even in the same county, let alone the same city. I know for a fact that the things that bring me the most joy are the things that I will protect and pursue with great fervor. Like any other human on this planet... whatever it is that gives us that "high-on-life" feeling is what we will defend to the death.

Now I have, in the past, placed my hopes and dreams upon people. But I have also learned (the VERY hard and emotionally damaging way) that people are typically not worthy of my most prized possessions (i.e. my happiness). They'll run off with them. They have been consistent about it. Yet people still believe that I am "hung up" on the idea. Or at least, that's what they say. However, ever since the invention of lying and sarcasm I find it difficult to even believe what anyone says anymore either. True sensory experience is about the only thing that I can 100% believe in, anymore.

It boggles my brain to hear some of the crap I hear flowing from people's mouths day-in and day-out. I am actually quite a simple creature. I do not need a story to explain my existence. I do not have to assume ulterior motives for reasons certain people are in my life. I'm an excellent hunter gatherer. I am also not a half-bad nurturer-provider (if I do say so myself). But the primary reason that people are in my life is simply due to what I can hunt, gather and provide. If I weren't around, they would find someone else to provide for them (or do it themselves). It's simple economics and social patterns.

When people tire of what I provide, or if I place a price upon those provisions that is outside their comfort zone, they leave.

I'm also fairly certain that this same principle is part of what causes people to create the stories they create. My theory is that in order to justify themselves and their stance or position, they must continually point out the perceived inordinate price-tag of my provisions and attempt to invoke guilt within me to compensate and get a better price.

These emotional rapists are everywhere. It makes me wonder if I'll ever find a true equal at all ... and if I do, what would be the point of us showing affection toward each other as we would both consider it to be fake by this point.

My brain hurts. What really hurts is that I have, occasionally, found people with whom I could just let my hair down... and when I do, they run away with the aforementioned prized possessions. It's a catch 22. In order to achieve the peace of mind I so desire, I need to be able to let my guard down and be completely vulnerable with another human being... but the very reason my guard is up is that people always disappoint me when my guard is down... which is what I wanted in the first place. It would seem to follow that all I really want is to get hurt... when I don't... not really.

Eh... I'm tired ... both tired physically and tired of this subject. So, I'm out.

Peace,
Jenna

*deep contented sigh*

I posted this as a response on another blog I read... and I was so struck by what I had written (apparently completely channeling the infinite) that I chose to repost here. I hope you like it.

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Relax. Breathe Deep. Let it out slow.

Isn't it a beautiful day today? I love the way atmosphere and celestial bodies create a canopy of amazing colors and shapes in completely unique arrangements every day and night. Nature changes and change is natural. It is how things work and it is beautiful.

When we get caught up in consistency we become annoyed and irritated at the stagnant repetition... like a scratched vinyl record, skipping back and repeating the same thing every time.

You wonder about fluidity and connectedness, it's all around us, all the time, everywhere. Perhaps not all the time with all the same people in the same situations... but that is natural and purposeful.

Humans are, among other things, pattern recognition machines. Ascribing purpose, reason and meaning to those patterns is part of our nature. When those patterns change or disappear altogether, we are either delighted or mournful based on how meaningful and personally fulfilling the pattern was in our own lives. Seeing past that and viewing the fluidity is seeing the greater good. It's being able to see that if your hands are filled with one thing, you will have no room to accept the gifts coming your way without dropping something you didn't REALLY want in the first place... or something that no longer meant as much as it did. One step further than that is realizing that holding on even for a moment is just as futile.

We can cling to the one with closed fist... or experience the infinite with an open hand.

So relax and let the fluidity you seek wash over you, around you and experience it all without judgment, meaning or requirement. Surround yourself with people willing and desiring to experience life the same way. Entreat others to join you as well, without reproach if they choose to go back to being clingy... for that is the nature of change too.

Peace,
Jenna

Ever get that feeling...

... that the people you know just don't know what they want? *sigh*

Missing

The Carrot or the Stick

You've heard the expression ... It means that in order to motivate someone you either offer them a carrot if they do what you want... or you hit them with a stick until they do what you want. It's used with donkeys (jack-asses) since they're so stubborn.

Reasonable way of getting what you want, right?

Not really. Actually, it's kinda lame. If you have to put that much energy into getting someone or something to do what you want them or it to do... is it really worth it after all? I guess that depends on what you're hoping to gain ... it also depends on whether or not all you have is a donkey to do the work.

There's all kinds of work that this can be applied to: Housework, homework, career work, yard work. There's one place where this concept is just NEVER appropriate... AT ALL. When someone's feeling down.

You can't fix that. You can't change it. You can't make it better. They have to do it on their own. People know this... and that's when the temptation comes in to MAKE them do it on their own. (What a concept!) "Look at that shiny carrot! All you gotta do is stop feeling this way!" or "Sheese! Why do you have to feel this way all time? You need to stop and deal with it and make your life better or no one will ever want to be around you!"

Although these statements are true... truth is not a substitute for faith... and depression is caused by loss of faith.

If I'm feeling down about something, you can beat me up all day telling me about what I need to do... it doesn't help. It doesn't make one bit of difference. If the light is off, and I want it on... I have to turn it on. I have to change it. Telling me what will happen if I do or do not turn the light on will not change a damned thing.

So what CAN you do here? Help to rebuild the faith. Help restore that which was lost. If I'm depressed, CHEER ME UP. Don't point out the sores on my soul and tell me I need to do something about them. They will heal over time. It would be better to not do anything rather than sit there and point them out to me. I know they're there... you don't have to remind me!

I see it a lot. I see people that try to help, to intercede and provide solace and comfort. This doesn't help unless the person is absolutely and completely exhausted. The trainer doesn't comfort and coddle the boxer between rounds. He doesn't offer to fight the fight for the boxer. He pats the boxer on the back, builds up his confidence and sends him back out there to fight his fight.

Now, this can get more complicated if you're part of the reason the person is depressed. There's REALLY nothing you can do at that point... except to live your life and SHOW how much fun it is to "turn the light on."

Now this NEXT part is really sickening... and yeah... it DOES happen... and ANYONE who tries to deny it in their own life is lying to themselves and everyone else:

Someone holding a grudge will keep holding that grudge until the person they're holding a grudge about is completely out of the picture. Then, and only then, will they drop it. It's sickening! It happens! I do it! You do it! Why? We've been hurt... whether it was intended or not, we got hurt and attached a name to it.

But why hold the grudge? To SHOW the person that we're hurt! To appeal to their compassion and reel them in for comfort or accusation (or an odd combination of both). Letting GO of that grudge is WICKED HARD to do. But there's no way you can pry their fingers from it. It's not possible.

So... while you're having fun and trying to SHOW your depressed friend how much fun life is, they're going to hold on to that grudge until the weight becomes unbearable even for themselves. Your faith in their ability to survive and to kick that survival instinct into gear has to be strong enough to overcome your empathy for them. You're doing them a favor whether it feels like it or not.

"What if what I'm doing is causing pain for my depressed friend even though it's not intended?"

There's a choice to be made here. Either you stop doing whatever it is that depresses them, or you do it away from them until they can get used to your behavior. Personally, I think the second option is better. The first option shows that you're willing to give in and that you're less important than they are. The second option shows respect for the other persons feelings yet doesn't compromise your own beliefs. If there was love there before, it will overcome any obstacles.

There's an inherent danger in the second option though... you can become just as needy and demanding as your depressed friend. Making them meet you on your terms is no better than them making you meet them on their terms. You have to each come half-way... or not at all... if it's going to work.

Well, I've rambled enough about this. To wrap it up... you can be sympathetic... just don't forget that you can't be sympathetic without being pathetic first.

(Long way to go for a joke? You decide ... maybe it was a joke... maybe it wasn't).

Peace,
Jenna

Yes, No, NULL

There's a concept in computer programing that, despite people's claims to the contrary, actually does translate to human interaction. Booleans.

A boolean is a type of variable. A variable is something that can have a value or no value. It's basically a label for something else. For instance. I see something that no-one has ever seen before. It exists by all means of physical measurement (sight, sound, touch, etc) but it has yet to be categorized. It requires a label... something that describes it. We use labels ALL the time. Human, Dog, Wheelbarrow, Tissue, Cassette, Bumblebee, etc. NOUNS!

Regardless, it's just a label used to describe something. That is a variable. It's a label that's used to describe SOMETHING.

Now, variables come in all types. Types are yet ANOTHER label. It's something to further describe that thing we're trying to desribe. There are String Variables which means that whatever the variable is pointing at is made up of characters like letters, numbers, punctuation marks, etc. There are Integer Variables which means that what the variable is pointing at is a whole number within a certain range.

Then there are Boolean Variables. Boolean Variables mean that what the variable is pointing at is either a Yes or a No, a True or a False, a 1 or a 0.

Now... I want to get back to something that I said at the beginning of the second paragraph. A variable is something that can have a value ... or no value.

Yup, EVERYTHING can have NO VALUE. If you think of a variable like a box, the box may be specifically designed to hold something. But it could be holding NOTHING. This means that the contents of that box haven't been filled yet.

Now... boolean variables are like yes/no questions.

"Do you love me?"
"Are you going to come back?"
"Are we going to keep acting like this?"

These are yes/no questions at their root... the answer is whatever the variable (or question) is pointing to. The problem is that even though it can only be Yes or No... it can also be NULL. Meaning, there is no answer yet.

Assumption #1: NULL means YES. This is obviously not the case even though it's been burned into our brains for so long. Consider the following latin phrase often used in law: Qui tacet consentire videtur which translates to "He who is silent is understood to consent" or "You're not defending yourself or disagreeing or providing any proof to the contrary so you must be agreeing with what I said."

This is crap.

Assumption #2: NULL means NO. This is obviously just as fallacious as the first. However, this the next step in human reasoning. It goes like this: If NULL doesn't mean yes... and Booleans can only have a value of Yes or No, NULL must mean No.

This, too, is crap.

NULL simply means, I don't know yet. I know what TYPE of answer belongs here, but I don't know WHICH answer belongs here yet.

These questions are ALSO based on states. And those states are always in flux.

"Is there someone named 'Fancy Mr. Stinkyteets' on this planet?"

Can you really answer that question with a Yes or No answer? Probably not without researching it, verifying it and proving it. Even then, considering the nature of change on this planet, can you ever come up with a 100% verifiable answer of "No?" "Well, there WAS... but he died yesterday... but there might be another somewhere, or someone I asked before might have changed their name by now."

"Is there a dinosaur in my back yard?"

When asked during the Jurassic period, the answer to that could be Yes. Today, more than likely that would be No.

"So what's all the hubbub about anyway? Why go through all this? You're boring me already!" ... Right?

If someone says, "I don't know" don't make the mistakes I did by assuming this answer to be synonymous with True or False. Accept that True and False are simply concepts that help us determine actions. Accept that "I don't know" (or NULL) is simply something to indicate that action is required before an answer can be given.

Also, don't be afraid of True, False or NULL. They've existed since time immortal and will continue to exist even after we are dead and buried. Understand how these concepts play out in our lives to adjust our emotions, actions and motivations.

So... if you're struggling today... trying to figure out the answer to a question whose answer you KNOW is NULL at the moment, don't fret and don't worry about it. It may be YOUR question... but it's not YOUR answer. The answer will be there eventually.

Peace,
Jenna