Nice Knowing Y'all

Apparently... I'm next... Oh Dexter, where are you?! SAVE ME!

Click the following link to see what I'm talking about:

Who Is Jenna Ramsey?

*sigh*

Peace,
Jenna

Breakout

My theme song for today:

Swing Out Sister - Breakout

When explanations make no sense
When every answer's wrong
You're fighting with lost confidence
All expectations come

The time has come to make or break
Move on don't hesitate
Breakout

Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout

When situations never change
Tomorrow looks unsure
Don't leave your destiny to chance
What are you waiting for
The time has come to make your break
Breakout

Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout

Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout

Some people stop at nothing
If you're searching for something
Lay down the law
Shout out for more
Breakout and shout day in day out
Breakout

Breakout

Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout

Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout

Lay down the law
Shout out for more
Breakout and shout day in day out

Breakout

Breakout

Breakout

Lay down the law
Shout out for more
Breakout and shout day in day out

Change Is Inevitable

"Ever wish you could freeze frame a moment in your day, and look at it and say 'this is not my life'?" - Robin Williams as Daniel Hillard in Mrs. Doubtfire

Change, dear friends, is inevitable. I feel it calling, beckoning me. When life becomes perfunctory and one feels like one is just treading water, it's time to make drastic changes in one's life. It's that zest, that drive, that passion that makes life worth living.

I wrote about Sunset 07, and in the past I've written about other events and parties and such that have changed my way of thinking over the past couple of years. I've been slowly waking up to a reality that not too many, I feel, truly see or believe. A reality where everyone does what they want to do... not what they have to do.

Oh sure, you say, that's fine but everyone has to work, pay taxes, maintain a home, put food on the table, pay bills, etc. etc. right? Well, yes... but these can be wants... not just needs. You can work where you want, live where you want, eat what you want, pay for what you want, etc. It's all a matter of perspective.

For years... YEARS... I have maintained the perspective that money is the key to survival. It's what makes the world go 'round as some would say. Well, it's what makes this society go 'round, that's for sure. But I don't see any other species on this planet requiring money to live and live happily. We protect their freedoms yet enslave ourselves. To make the money we need to make to support ourselves we agree to SO many restrictions! We're told how to dress, what to say, how to act, what to do, when to do it and if we just follow those rules, we get the fat cash.

It's becoming more and more clear to me every day that these restrictions and requirements are exactly what makes us unhappy. Life doesn't work on a time-schedule. It doesn't care. It REALLY doesn't. Friends and family need help and attention when they need it... not when it's convenient. Opportunities for different lives come and go throughout our lives and we either grab at them or we let them pass by. I am a notorious risk-taker. Sometimes they've paid-off, sometimes they've failed spectacularly. That doesn't change my drive to take the risk to make my life (and hopefully others' lives) happier and more fulfilling.

Today, I'm looking back at my life and thinking carefully about the choices I have made and how I came to them. The complexity I have fallen into has just about completely driven me to the breaking point. Freedom has a price, I'm told. Does it really? Is it really that hard to find true happiness? I don't think so. I know when I'm happiest. I know when I'm happiest creatively, work-wise, play-wise, etc. I know what I enjoy doing and how I like to express myself. My eyes were opened by some of the most wonderful people on Earth about 2 years ago. Each day that goes by in this corporate, cookie-cutter, same-thing-happens-every-day, little boxes life is driving me faster and faster to escape it.

I get the feeling that people don't believe me when I say I can do without all the techy trappings I've become accustomed to. Yet at this point in my life, I've begun to realize that I can. I put myself in a situation where I had to do without a lot of the things I've grown to value. When I've tried to add some of these things back in to my life as it is now, I've suffered. It's been one of the best things for me in my life. I have always sought the "best" out of life as defined by the world at large. Everything from the best car/house all the way down to the best condiments, makeup, etc. Best always meant expensive. That just isn't true.

It's taken me a long time to get to this point and now I'm ready to bolt. I rebelled against the machine that said I had to be and act a certain way only to find myself back in the same machine in order to "fit-in" after my rebellion took it's course. Heh... the machine will get you one way or another unless you TRULY say, "no more."

Different people value different things. Family, Wealth, Status, Fame, etc. are all examples. I value simplicity and freedom. I long for it with every fiber of my being now. As I said before, opportunities come and go and we choose which ones to snag. An opportunity was presented to me about 2 or 3 months ago that is one that I know I can not let pass me by. My way of thinking, my lifestyle, my choices, everything about me is being tested to determine if I can truly handle the opportunity being presented. I am quickly learning what it is that is important to me. I am also learning how to balance this with my currently complex existence and how to defuse the ticking time-bomb of my life that I have created. I just wish I could make it happen a little faster somehow.

Do I want to party all the time? Well, in a sense, yes. But not in the sense that I consume everything and do nothing in return. I want life to be a party all the time... no matter if it's at work, at home or wherever I find myself. If I don't, I will make myself AND those around me miserable. I will continue to fall prey to the need to talk about it (like I'm doing now... yes, I recognize it) rather than actually do something about it. I am trying to hold on... to do what I have to do in order to escape this hole of life-trapping I've stumbled into... but sometimes I simply need a break.

So now, I commit myself to making the change for my own life. It means much more sacrifice than I've made yet so far, but it also means laying the foundation for a happier life for me. Change is inevitable ... and I am ready for it's embrace.

Peace,
Jenna

It's All Good

There's nothing better than a food fight followed by wrasslin' around on the floor followed by collapsing on each other with laughter and smiles to ease tensions and relax someone. That was my morning this morning. :) It certainly did nothing for putting me in a "motivated for work" mood but I managed to get there somehow.

Today I've got some data manipulations to do and I'm really hoping to have all the changes for Agent management done today. Was supposed to play WoW with Jose last night... but I ended up getting sleepy early... passed out between 7 PM and Midnight... and therefore didn't get to play. Maybe tonight... we'll see.

Makin' plans to go to the Hookah Bar again this Friday night. It's a fun, inexpensive and relaxed atmosphere and a good way to spend time with friends. I wish I could find a beatnik poetry bar in this area. I hope I can find one in Indiana when I move back there. Maybe I'll just start one, who knows.

Anyway... back to work.

The afternoon after the morning after the morning after.

Well, I'm still kinda beat from the weekend. It was quite the event. It was a different experience for me since I'd never gone to one without Twink before. With the exception of the time I went to see BT for free at Fusion, every other event I've gone to has been with her. I feel I've finally progressed past the need to share it with her and can claim the events for myself now. Wow, I really got messed up when I met her. I lost my individuality completely. That's not a good thing. Every aspect of my life has suffered for it. Now I'm getting myself back to where I was before... but with a stronger mind and stronger attitude toward life and living life. I was just as co-dependent upon Rob... but for different reasons. I almost became that way with Sadao... but he's WAY too head-strong and way too intent on having a friendship with me than anyone else I know. It's a good thing. HEALING! Sweetness! Anyway... just a quick entry for myself. Poop!

Weekend Report

Oof... I'm tired.

It's only 9:29 a.m. at the moment... but I'm tired. The reason will become clear soon.

Let's start with Wednesday Night. After leaving work, I went home and relaxed for a while. I was making dinner that night but Sadao was working late... so I waited to make dinner until he could eat a hot meal with Brian and I. After dinner, we stayed up for a bit and ended up doing our laundry in the wee hours at a 24-hour laundromat. Needless to say, we slept in late on Thursday.

Thursday, by the time I got up... it was late afternoon. Whee! I needed the sleep though. We tried to work out what to do for Thanksgiving. We didn't have enough money to get a "proper dinner" going and the turkey we got from Sadao's dad (we drove down to Melbourne to fetch in earlier in the week) was too big to fit in the microwave. We would have cooked it in the oven... but the oven doesn't work.

A friend of mine came over and specifically asked that I go with him to his friend's house for thanksgiving dinner. I declined unless Sadao and Brian could come too. After a bit of drama, it became clear that only I was invited. So I stood my ground and said no, it's a holiday and I'm not going without the boys.

So what to do. Sadao had to pick up his check. So we went there. They were having a Thanksgiving day dinner for the employees. Sadao, very thoughtfully, grabbed a big plate of food and brought it out for all of us to share. So there was our dinner. From there, we went to Savoy to have a couple drinks and dance and forget our troubles for a while. Sadao got both Brian and I blitzed. It was actually quite nice this time. Last time I got that hammered, I threw up in several places (including all over the side of Twink's car. I cleaned it up the next day before I left for work, though). This time, it was nothing but smiles and dancing and happy drunkenness. No puking and no hangover.

Friday went by fairly uneventfully with the exception of Sadao coming home from work early. They sent him home for his haircut. His hair was getting kinda shaggy and he couldn't deal with it anymore. So earlier in the week, he cut his hair into a mohawk. It actually looks great... and he wears it flat rather than spiky. No one at his work had a problem for the entire week until his GM saw it at the end of the week. Then all of a sudden it's not good and he was sent home. He has to shave his head before he returns to work. This is ridiculous to me. He works at a bowling alley as a bar runner. The patrons are there to have fun and enjoy themselves. Sadao is always bright and cheery and tries to promote a fun atmosphere wherever he goes. No one, not one customer and not co-worker, had a problem until the GM saw it. Why? Because they've switched from franchise to corporate. Hello Empire Records.

I'm gonna miss his mohawk. It's cute! But, I understand why Sadao is giving in to the corporate machine for now. I understand it very well. It sucks, but we do what we gotta do to survive until such a time we can tell "the man" to shove it.

We didn't let that spoil our Saturday though. A girl I met through Sadao, Carrie, called and asked if she could ride with us to Sunset 07. I told her sure. She came up Friday night and spent the night with us. Saturday morning, I got up early and began getting ready for the trip to St. Pete. The others had too much energy and stayed up all night. So, once we were all ready, we headed out. Within moments, they were all asleep in the car. No worries though, I'm used to that scenario. By the time we got to St. Pete, everyone felt a little more refreshed and was ready for the day.

What a FABULOUS event it was! A few old friends and a few new friends were there. We ended up all gathering together on a blanket and enjoyed the day's music. There was lots of good music but BT stole the show, IMO. There was a lot of electro house being spun that night, including BT's set... and it blew me away. Some of the sickest beats I'd ever heard. He always puts on a good show. :) I'm glad I was able to share it with Sadao.

After the event, we went to an after-party event. It was at a club... and it was awful. The vibe changed between the event and the club. The vibe at the event was beautiful, loving and fun. We played with beach balls and danced and sang and shared memories and love. The vibe at the club felt like a meat market and it was jarring. So after a couple of hours there, we chose to head home. Mind you, it's about 1:30 a.m. by now.

Sunday, we slept in until about 6 pm. I've been up since then so I'm pretty tired. But it was worth it, I must admit. Now, today, I pay the price for all the fun this past weekend. I have to reset my internal timer and get myself back on a normal schedule again. It sucks, but that's just the way it is. It's not the first time.

All-in-all, it was a great weekend and the event was VERY reminiscent of some of the best times in my life. The only way it could have been better is if absent friends had been able/willing to join us there. I am still hoping and holding out for the day that we can all come back together again and enjoy a party together. One where everyone is there for the music, friends, love and life. It CAN happen if we all let it all go and say, "This day is for us to come together and party and share good times and good music. Only positive, life and love-affirming vibes are allowed. We were all created out of love and are here to celebrate with each other and lift each other up."

Yes, it's a dream... but it's a persistent one in my life and I'll be damned if I give up until we see it happen. Life is short.. and it needs to be celebrated while we have it.

Well, I'm off now to get some work done. Oof... TIRED!

A Blah Day

It's a blah day today. I'm a little depressed at my financial situation. Trying not to let it ruin my spirits though. It takes a lot of humor and/or music to get my spirits back up though and eventually one feels like they've heard it all before. For this very reason, I am so thankful for Sadao in my life. We keep each others' spirits up and keep trying to find ways to make the other laugh and smile. The lack of fundage is keeping me from going to visit some friends for Thanksgiving, which sucks. But between that and Sunset 07, I wouldn't be able to afford the gas for all the running around required and normal driving for the next week.

On top of that, poor Nyssa is sick and won't be going now. This sucks because I was really looking forward to sharing this with her. Sadao and I are still going. One might look at this situation and say that it seems selfish to put a concert over visiting friends for the holidays... but with the tickets already paid for, it would also be wasteful to simply throw that money away. Choices, we make them and we live with them. Sometimes we let them make us happy, sad, angry, victimized, etc. It all depends upon the overall mood, I guess, eh?

All in all, I can say that my choices lately have left me in a state of self-quarrel. On the one hand there's the good that comes from sacrifice. The fact that your sacrifice has made a difference in someone else's life. On the other hand, there's that little voice that says, "What are you getting out of all this self-sacrifice other than the feeling that you're a better person for it?"

Whee!

Overall I continue to try to stay in good spirits. My beliefs keep me going, to be honest. I may find them all to be false one day. I may find one day that I had it all wrong and that the reason it's called the "Human Race" is because it's really a race. I've done a lot of studying and listening over the years. I've studied the religions and their teachings. I've studied philosophy. I've lived in the world from various aspects and viewpoints. I've met MANY different people and have heard them describe their beliefs as well.

Some say it's a one-way ticket and once you're done, you're done... there's nothing after that. Some say you move on to a better life or a worse life depending upon how you lived life on Earth. Some say you keep coming back until you've learned all the lessons that life has to teach you (and that they get rougher upon each iteration). Some say you come back unwillingly, usually in some other form. Some say we're all part of the same unified spirit and our energy (temporarily split off from that energy) returns "back to the fold." There are as many opinions on this subject as there are people to make them... so I'm not going to go into all the one's I've heard.

I've taken psychoactive drugs and have explored the mysteries of life under these influences. The experiences I've had and the ideas that have come to mind would all make fabulous trippy movie ideas... but they also weigh heavily on my mind even when not under the influence.

Although I've explored many different theories and possibilities, I still can not conceive of the possibility of non-existence. It just doesn't register. Maybe this is why my attitude toward life is so cavalier. If the work we do, the things we buy, the places we live and the ways we change our physicalities are truly unimportant on a spiritual level, then why bother getting bent out of shape over them? Given that life on this planet, regardless of whether there's an afterlife or not, is tenuous, short and not promised to anyone... then why do we get bent out of shape over what one person or group believes, how they react or interact, whether we're rich or poor, the color of our skin, the way we pass the time, relationship preferences, etc? What's the bloody point?

Here's a good example:

Click Here For the Photo (it's too big for blogger to display)

I love me some Opus. He's been one of my favorites since Bloom County was being freshly produced by Berkeley Breathed. I agree with Opus wholeheartedly here. We have the days where we're holding the umbrella for someone else and the days where they're holding the umbrella for us. Lucky are those who find friends like that. Smart are the ones that hold on to them. Wise are the ones that can see past the physicalities and know that it's only a representation of our spirits' calling.

Regardless, we do what we can, when we can, because we want to. We can blame it on circumstances, obligations, requirements, adjudications, judgments, contracts, confrontations, what-have-you. But in the end, we do what we do because it's what we want to do. I understand a suicidal person's desire for peace. I understand a "well-adjusted" person's desire for excitement. These are the things they don't have that they feel will make their life better (or, in the first example, make their life not suck anymore).

So it comes down to choice again. I've been told that our choices define us and tell others what type of person we are. These are labels just like anything else... and we all like to sticker each other as often as we can. Well, the stickers are just stickers. You can peel them off anytime you don't like them. People weren't meant, in my opinion, to be pigeon-holed and put in little boxes (little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky-tacky, little boxes on the hill side and they all look just the same).

Yeah... this is what happens to me when I have nothing interesting to do. There's plenty that I could be doing right now... but I have no interest... because of all the things I just said... which in turn keeps me from doing anything that I might get interested in. Some day this journal will stop being updated. Either through my death or my sudden interest in something that occupies all my time and energy.

I hope it's the latter... and I hope it happens soon.

Peace,
Jenna