Well, the day to commerate another year on this planet is almost here. Yes, tomorrow is the day celebrating my entrance to this world. So I'm beginning to think about what to do. Alcohol will most certainly be involved.
I think the plan is just to relax and enjoy... maybe go to the beach... probably get dolled up and go out to Rebar in the evening... see if I can get a few free drinks. ;)
Sunday I'm going to check out the MCC church here on the Treasure Coast. It's in Palm Beach Gardens, which takes about an hour to get to. Services aren't until 11 a.m. (thankfully) so I don't have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to get there on time. What am I hoping to find there? The Spirit.
Something I miss terribly in my life is fellowship with others in The Spirit of God. I have met many people that are troubled and lost and desperately need The Spirit in their lives. My trip home to Indiana was an eye-opener... reminding me what it's like to commune with those who are also Spirit-filled. I'm hoping that this church will have the vibrations of Love in it. My own strength and understanding of it is great, however I know now that it's not enough and I need to get refueled every now and then.
Other than that... whatever we do will be on the cheap! Finances are tight right now, thanks to the unexpected trip to Indiana. But it don't take a whole lot of money to have a good time. :) Just need to be in one accord... (if you can all squeeze in one... they're kinda small).
Peace,
Jenna
Friday, September 26, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tired...
I'm freakin' tired today. I think it's mainly from dreaming a LOT last night. I know that perception of "real" time is subjective at that point, but I can tell you I was really active in my dreams last night. I had two that I can recall.
In one, I was in college and the electricity went out while I was trying to wash clothes to be ready for school. By the time the electricity came on, it was too late to get the laundry done and get to class on time. So I went in a towel (and pantyhose for some weird reason).
As you can imagine, it turned into a naked-at-school dream. There were two aspects of this dream that were interesting to me. First, I was female in the dream. I used to have dreams as a boy being turned into a girl. Then I was having dreams as a girl (this was all pre-transition). After my surgery I started having male dreams again. Now, recently, I'm having dreams as a female again. I think this represents a shift in my thinking (finally!).
Second, I was VERY comfortable with myself being naked in the dream. This was new. Here's what the dream dictionary had to say about that:
The fact that it was in college:
In my other dream, I was investigating a company that owned a huge skyscraper next to a dilapidated old mansion. They were trying to buy the land to destroy the old landmark. My co-worker, Jose, was in the dream too and was investigating the situation as well. Here are a few things the dream dictionary said about this imagery:
Peace,
Jenna
In one, I was in college and the electricity went out while I was trying to wash clothes to be ready for school. By the time the electricity came on, it was too late to get the laundry done and get to class on time. So I went in a towel (and pantyhose for some weird reason).
As you can imagine, it turned into a naked-at-school dream. There were two aspects of this dream that were interesting to me. First, I was female in the dream. I used to have dreams as a boy being turned into a girl. Then I was having dreams as a girl (this was all pre-transition). After my surgery I started having male dreams again. Now, recently, I'm having dreams as a female again. I think this represents a shift in my thinking (finally!).
Second, I was VERY comfortable with myself being naked in the dream. This was new. Here's what the dream dictionary had to say about that:
"For a small percentage of you, dreaming that you are proud of your nakedness and show no embarrassment or shame, then it symbolizes your unrestricted freedom. You have nothing to hide and are proud of who you are. The dream is about a new sense of honesty, openness, and a carefree nature."
The fact that it was in college:
"To dream that you are in college, indicates that you are going through some social or cultural changes. You may be wanting to expand your knowledge and awareness. It also suggest that now is a good time for you to experiment and try new things."
In my other dream, I was investigating a company that owned a huge skyscraper next to a dilapidated old mansion. They were trying to buy the land to destroy the old landmark. My co-worker, Jose, was in the dream too and was investigating the situation as well. Here are a few things the dream dictionary said about this imagery:
CoworkerI find all these images to be very encouraging based on recent events in my life. With time, effort, determination and God's direction, I can change the course of my life to something much better for myself and others.
"To see your coworkers in your dream, highlights aspects of your waking relationship with them, including difficulties/support. It signifies your ambition, struggles and competitive nature."
Mansion
"To see a mansion in your dream, symbolizes your greatest potential and growth. You may feel that your current situation or relationship is in a rut."
Skyscraper
"To see a skyscraper in your dream, represents your high ideals, creativity and imagination. You always aim high at whatever you do. It also suggests that you have great foresight."
Detective
"To dream that you are a detective, indicates that you are searching for your hidden abilities and talents. It also signifies that you are trying to solve a problem and seek the truth about an issue that is worrying you."
Peace,
Jenna
Monday, September 22, 2008
21 hours later
It's 9:29 a.m., Monday morning... Sadao and I have been on the road for 21 hours. I took a break from the driving for most of Georgia, but other than that, I was the one behind the wheel.
I'm friggin' exhausted. Not sleepy exactly, although I know I could sleep right now. It's more just a wore out feeling. But anyway... whoever actually reads this... I'm typing this on my home computer so you know I made it home safely. As far as from here on out... well that's in God's hands.
Peace,
Jenna
I'm friggin' exhausted. Not sleepy exactly, although I know I could sleep right now. It's more just a wore out feeling. But anyway... whoever actually reads this... I'm typing this on my home computer so you know I made it home safely. As far as from here on out... well that's in God's hands.
Peace,
Jenna
Sunday, September 21, 2008
The Return of Joy
My father passed away exactly one week ago just after 7 p.m. EST. My brother Richard made the call to me in Florida and through his shaking voice, I felt the odd mixture of sorrow and joy all through my soul.
Since I came out to my parents as transsexual, my father has been my Champion. I've been a daddy's girl since even before I was a girl. The news of his passing was a pain through my heart in the knowledge that I would never again be able to hear his voice... however I felt the same relief that I know he felt when his suffering was finally over.
My father had a bad heart. About 6 years ago he went through a stress test which caused his heart to stop. Three hits from the paddles eventually brought him back to us for a few more years. When he died this year, it was from multiple heart attacks that eventually ended with his heart, literally, exploding in his chest.
I can't imagine the suffering he went through but I know it's because he was a fighter all his life. He fought for his life even up to the end. But he was also a lover, too, harboring the greatest love one can have on this Earth.
This past week has been difficult for me. It would take far too long to explain it all here, too. Over the past few years, several demons have made their home within my soul. The still small voice of God was still there, but I ignored it and listened to those demons that had encouraged my belief that I needed more than what God had to offer me.
Upon coming home, the battle for my father's soul had already been waged and completed. Apparently, my soul was next. I have felt the sorrow, the despair, the negativity, the anger and the hatred that can become attached to one's heart of hearts and had come to accept them as my only companions... even though the Love Eternal has always been there waiting for me to simply call upon It and through that power, bind them and force them out.
This morning, my mother led me in prayer and through her guidance, I found the strength to call on His name and release myself from the grip of the forces of darkness that had laid claim to my soul.
There's an old... I don't know if it's a poem of a story... called Footprints in the Sand. Today, I have looked back to see that there haven't been two sets of footprints in the sand for a very long time. But today, I can announce with unspeakable joy that I can see two sets again.
To my mother and my siblings, my nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles, cousins and relations of all sorts, and to those I call friend and to those I call enemy: I love you... but more importantly God loves you.
Love,
Jenna
Since I came out to my parents as transsexual, my father has been my Champion. I've been a daddy's girl since even before I was a girl. The news of his passing was a pain through my heart in the knowledge that I would never again be able to hear his voice... however I felt the same relief that I know he felt when his suffering was finally over.
My father had a bad heart. About 6 years ago he went through a stress test which caused his heart to stop. Three hits from the paddles eventually brought him back to us for a few more years. When he died this year, it was from multiple heart attacks that eventually ended with his heart, literally, exploding in his chest.
I can't imagine the suffering he went through but I know it's because he was a fighter all his life. He fought for his life even up to the end. But he was also a lover, too, harboring the greatest love one can have on this Earth.
This past week has been difficult for me. It would take far too long to explain it all here, too. Over the past few years, several demons have made their home within my soul. The still small voice of God was still there, but I ignored it and listened to those demons that had encouraged my belief that I needed more than what God had to offer me.
Upon coming home, the battle for my father's soul had already been waged and completed. Apparently, my soul was next. I have felt the sorrow, the despair, the negativity, the anger and the hatred that can become attached to one's heart of hearts and had come to accept them as my only companions... even though the Love Eternal has always been there waiting for me to simply call upon It and through that power, bind them and force them out.
This morning, my mother led me in prayer and through her guidance, I found the strength to call on His name and release myself from the grip of the forces of darkness that had laid claim to my soul.
There's an old... I don't know if it's a poem of a story... called Footprints in the Sand. Today, I have looked back to see that there haven't been two sets of footprints in the sand for a very long time. But today, I can announce with unspeakable joy that I can see two sets again.
To my mother and my siblings, my nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles, cousins and relations of all sorts, and to those I call friend and to those I call enemy: I love you... but more importantly God loves you.
Love,
Jenna
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Lost and Found
Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a fan of logic. The purest aspects of it dwindling down to two simple constructs... 1 and 0. On and Off. Good and Bad. Start and End.
But I'm also an intense fan of the understanding of how these things are related to each other and that they are in fact, the same thing as each other. Matter and Anti-Matter... both similar particles with the exception of the "spin" put on them.
They are all nothing more than constructs we observed and named. Where did they come from? Where are they going? These are physical questions. These are attempts at understanding the nature of life through flawed perceptions. Nothing exists until we observe it. It simply can not. Why is this true? Because without observation, there is no way to describe it. Without a description, there is no way to prove it's existence. Without proof, existence (in the classical definition) is impossible.
Yet we know things exist. Knowledge is dangerously comfortable. Knowledge is a profound high. It provides comfort at a level that just barely registers on a higher, more spiritual level. It's so surreptitious that we don't even realize how high we are, most of the time. But we are. We must be amazingly comfortable in this life to continue living it as we do.
The great part about all of this, in fact, is that as you are reading this, I am creating knowledge about knowledge. You may, or may not, be accepting of this. You may look at this and begin to wonder about the complexities or you may be there nodding your head in complete understanding of what I am saying.
Life is a series of moments. We go from one to the next, sometimes in search of something to get us to that next level. Sometimes we simply choose to go with the flow and see where it takes us, knowing that nothing really matters anyway. Either way, it is all as we observe (and therefore choose) it to be.
Now, I started this out talking about logic and how it all breaks down to 1s and 0s. But what I did not discuss was the nature of these 1s and 0s. Are they immutable? Can a 1 ever be a 0 or vise versa?
Well that, of course, all depends upon your definitions. But in the broader sense of things, I prefer to look at them as merely adjectives describing the state of things. A bit has the ability to be a 1 or a 0. A light can be on or off. These are the only choices available. In truth, they are the only choices available, period.
"Well, what about colors? " you might ask. All colors have been been, logically, broken down into sets of bits that when combined can produce a broader description. The more bits we add, the more variations of colors we are allowed to describe.
Given that this is the case. I offer the following ray of hope to all those who feel like life, or things in their lives, have got them down. The only option for change is always there. Once a light is on, it can be turned off and vice versa. What was lost, has no other option but to be found. What was bad, can only become good.
It is a binary universe by my reckoning. Flip the bits in the ways that work best for you. Only you know which way that is.
Peace,
Jenna
But I'm also an intense fan of the understanding of how these things are related to each other and that they are in fact, the same thing as each other. Matter and Anti-Matter... both similar particles with the exception of the "spin" put on them.
They are all nothing more than constructs we observed and named. Where did they come from? Where are they going? These are physical questions. These are attempts at understanding the nature of life through flawed perceptions. Nothing exists until we observe it. It simply can not. Why is this true? Because without observation, there is no way to describe it. Without a description, there is no way to prove it's existence. Without proof, existence (in the classical definition) is impossible.
Yet we know things exist. Knowledge is dangerously comfortable. Knowledge is a profound high. It provides comfort at a level that just barely registers on a higher, more spiritual level. It's so surreptitious that we don't even realize how high we are, most of the time. But we are. We must be amazingly comfortable in this life to continue living it as we do.
The great part about all of this, in fact, is that as you are reading this, I am creating knowledge about knowledge. You may, or may not, be accepting of this. You may look at this and begin to wonder about the complexities or you may be there nodding your head in complete understanding of what I am saying.
Life is a series of moments. We go from one to the next, sometimes in search of something to get us to that next level. Sometimes we simply choose to go with the flow and see where it takes us, knowing that nothing really matters anyway. Either way, it is all as we observe (and therefore choose) it to be.
Now, I started this out talking about logic and how it all breaks down to 1s and 0s. But what I did not discuss was the nature of these 1s and 0s. Are they immutable? Can a 1 ever be a 0 or vise versa?
Well that, of course, all depends upon your definitions. But in the broader sense of things, I prefer to look at them as merely adjectives describing the state of things. A bit has the ability to be a 1 or a 0. A light can be on or off. These are the only choices available. In truth, they are the only choices available, period.
"Well, what about colors? " you might ask. All colors have been been, logically, broken down into sets of bits that when combined can produce a broader description. The more bits we add, the more variations of colors we are allowed to describe.
Given that this is the case. I offer the following ray of hope to all those who feel like life, or things in their lives, have got them down. The only option for change is always there. Once a light is on, it can be turned off and vice versa. What was lost, has no other option but to be found. What was bad, can only become good.
It is a binary universe by my reckoning. Flip the bits in the ways that work best for you. Only you know which way that is.
Peace,
Jenna
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
All Good Things?
Ever heard the expression "All Good Things Must Come To An End"?
Yeah... ever really thought about that? Wouldn't that logically indicate that all bad things keep going? Hmm... The interesting thing is that there are always new good things starting. Somebody starts something new and thinks it's a good thing and then other people think it's a good thing and before you know it... it IS a good thing. But it's doomed before it ever got started because it's a good thing!
Yikes!
This poses an interesting situation. If God is Good... and All Good Things Must Come To An End... then eventually, God must come to an end. Then again, given that we're throwing definitions and logic and such around in such a haphazard manner here, exactly what is "an end?"
Maybe that's a good thing after all. Or perhaps, good things must become bad things in order to endure? I don't know. The logic of all these sayings and how they contradict each other in logic is beyond me. It seems that they're all just things we use to help us sleep at night. Some people even use that phrase to help them sleep at night. You know... you've pissed someone off either through your actions or your words and they say to you, "Well, I hope that helps you sleep at night."
They've just relieved their own conscience by stating their position and therefore can now sleep at night. I'd really REALLY like to meet someone who literally can't sleep at night... or whatever part of the day their night might be. It's all relative, I suppose.
Anyway, I guess if all good things must come to an end we should enjoy them for what they are while we have them and not mourn their passing but rather extol what we had when we had it, with the knowledge that new good things are ahead.
The only other option is to wallow in the fact that the good times are gone and not bother getting involved in any new good times since we already know they must come to an end, right?
Yeah... up and down, up and down. It is as it is. Shut up and tell me something I don't know, right? Well, most of it's been said and done now... so what's left? I guess I need grandchildren or something.
Peace,
Jenna
UPDATE: Actually, after re-reading this post, I realized that there was a flaw in my logic. Just because all good things must come to an end does not necessarily follow that all bad things don't. I can't assume that BadThing.End method doesn't exist. Perhaps GoodThing and BadThing are both instances of the Thing class and perhaps the Thing class has an End method with the "Must Inherit" modifier. This would make sense since I have definitely seen some bad things come to an end too.
This is a perfect example of Platonic Object Oriented Philosophy .... also known as POOP.
So it's not quite as bleak as I put it out there to be. My apologies!!
Yeah... ever really thought about that? Wouldn't that logically indicate that all bad things keep going? Hmm... The interesting thing is that there are always new good things starting. Somebody starts something new and thinks it's a good thing and then other people think it's a good thing and before you know it... it IS a good thing. But it's doomed before it ever got started because it's a good thing!
Yikes!
This poses an interesting situation. If God is Good... and All Good Things Must Come To An End... then eventually, God must come to an end. Then again, given that we're throwing definitions and logic and such around in such a haphazard manner here, exactly what is "an end?"
Maybe that's a good thing after all. Or perhaps, good things must become bad things in order to endure? I don't know. The logic of all these sayings and how they contradict each other in logic is beyond me. It seems that they're all just things we use to help us sleep at night. Some people even use that phrase to help them sleep at night. You know... you've pissed someone off either through your actions or your words and they say to you, "Well, I hope that helps you sleep at night."
They've just relieved their own conscience by stating their position and therefore can now sleep at night. I'd really REALLY like to meet someone who literally can't sleep at night... or whatever part of the day their night might be. It's all relative, I suppose.
Anyway, I guess if all good things must come to an end we should enjoy them for what they are while we have them and not mourn their passing but rather extol what we had when we had it, with the knowledge that new good things are ahead.
The only other option is to wallow in the fact that the good times are gone and not bother getting involved in any new good times since we already know they must come to an end, right?
Yeah... up and down, up and down. It is as it is. Shut up and tell me something I don't know, right? Well, most of it's been said and done now... so what's left? I guess I need grandchildren or something.
Peace,
Jenna
UPDATE: Actually, after re-reading this post, I realized that there was a flaw in my logic. Just because all good things must come to an end does not necessarily follow that all bad things don't. I can't assume that BadThing.End method doesn't exist. Perhaps GoodThing and BadThing are both instances of the Thing class and perhaps the Thing class has an End method with the "Must Inherit" modifier. This would make sense since I have definitely seen some bad things come to an end too.
This is a perfect example of Platonic Object Oriented Philosophy .... also known as POOP.
So it's not quite as bleak as I put it out there to be. My apologies!!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Settling In
Okay, this could be a dangerous thing for me to do, given my track record, but I think I'm finally starting to settle in where I'm at. I'm getting more comfortable at work, with the language, the people and the industry. My life in Orlando finally seems to be showing definite signs of death now. I'm starting to take an interest in my personal issues (financial, health, image, etc.) again (specifically with the interest in overcoming them instead of succumbing to them). In short, things are starting to normalize and settle down a bit.
I can start to foresee a future where I have a little money in the bank, bills paid and in decent standing and still have a good job with great potential for improvement, learning and personal growth.
I have no love interest in my life and I often feel the torment of the nubile youths living with me (no, they're not jail-bait). So that can be a bit frustrating at times. But at the same time, I know that the relationship I do have with them is the best it can be without the "icing on the cake" as mom would call it.
It's hard to believe that after years of self-destructive behavior, I might finally be back on the track I once started years and years ago. It's hard to believe but the evidence is clear. I've started getting organized again, I've starting purging myself of things that remind me of times when I "didn't give a shit," and I've started to revive some of my dormant feelings of self again. In short, I think my mid-life crisis is finally coming to an end.
I've hurt a lot of people during this time. They hurt me too, of course. Who started it and who is to blame is pointless to discover now. It's more efficient, productive and healthier to simply acknowledge that act of the play and move on to the next one.
I can be hopeful that the next few acts will see the return of some of the more prominent characters from the previous acts... in a much healthier and happier form of course. Or at least a few cameos. But regardless, I know what to focus on for my future.
At any rate, I need to get back to work now. I'm learning Visual FoxPro 9.0. It's a curious union of OOP and RBase technologies. Yeah, I know it's a bit late to learn these things... but it's important to understand how the billing code is written in order to be prepared to convert it to .NET technologies. I'm looking forward to that project.
Peace,
Jenna
I can start to foresee a future where I have a little money in the bank, bills paid and in decent standing and still have a good job with great potential for improvement, learning and personal growth.
I have no love interest in my life and I often feel the torment of the nubile youths living with me (no, they're not jail-bait). So that can be a bit frustrating at times. But at the same time, I know that the relationship I do have with them is the best it can be without the "icing on the cake" as mom would call it.
It's hard to believe that after years of self-destructive behavior, I might finally be back on the track I once started years and years ago. It's hard to believe but the evidence is clear. I've started getting organized again, I've starting purging myself of things that remind me of times when I "didn't give a shit," and I've started to revive some of my dormant feelings of self again. In short, I think my mid-life crisis is finally coming to an end.
I've hurt a lot of people during this time. They hurt me too, of course. Who started it and who is to blame is pointless to discover now. It's more efficient, productive and healthier to simply acknowledge that act of the play and move on to the next one.
I can be hopeful that the next few acts will see the return of some of the more prominent characters from the previous acts... in a much healthier and happier form of course. Or at least a few cameos. But regardless, I know what to focus on for my future.
At any rate, I need to get back to work now. I'm learning Visual FoxPro 9.0. It's a curious union of OOP and RBase technologies. Yeah, I know it's a bit late to learn these things... but it's important to understand how the billing code is written in order to be prepared to convert it to .NET technologies. I'm looking forward to that project.
Peace,
Jenna
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