Here you'll find tales of my journeys through life. Regardless of what they mean to me or anyone else, the facts remain that they occurred and they are hereby recorded for anyone bored enough to read through it.
I am a post-operative male-to-female transsexual, a software developer, a musician, a geek of the highest order... but more basic that that... just another lonely, confused human on this planet... and these are my stories.
Sounds awful, doesn't it? Yeah... pretty much. Of course, for me it's more like being the person running the partner orphanage. After all, foster parents eventually get to adopt, typically. In my case, it's more like they keep hanging out until they find the right one, then off they go... until the right one isn't right anymore, then they come back sometimes. It depends, of course, on whether or not I still have "room at the inn."
"Why can't you just accept that this is your role and be happy?"
Uhm... that's all fine and dandy... but it would be nicer to have someone running the business with me. *sigh*
I've known love. True unadulterated love. However in each case where this bliss has graced my life, it only lasted long enough for someone to really get to know me. Then it all went south.
There is good and bad in us all. Anyone who says differently is already showing their bad just with that very statement. Dan Savage of Savage Love states that there's a "price of admission" to every relationship. Is the price I'm asking really that high? Have I over-valued myself? It's not a question I can really answer, I know. That's something everyone has to look at and judge for themselves. But in the words of Jonathan Coulton:
"I quit... I'm done... cuz' I don't think it's gonna turn out okay It's.... no fair it's.... no fun... if everytime it's gonna end the same way... me: zero... big bag world: one."
That's pretty much my view on interpersonal love at this point. The song lyrics above were meant as a joke... but when you're the clown, it gets less and less funny every time you have to say the joke.
Yes, these thoughts are permeating my consciousness right now and keeping me from being productive... which is why I'm writing them down. I'm not expecting help (although that's what everyone wants to do) I'm just venting.
So... do you remember how it felt when you believed in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy? And do you remember th GREAT feeling you got when it was "true?" You put your trust in someone who told you, "If you do this, this will happen." Or maybe they said, "I will always do x or be y" And as long as they were never proved wrong (based on your required level of proof) everything was fine and dandy!
And then the lies begin to get discovered.
Santa didn't bring anything to that little girl. But she was always so nice! How could he not do that? I don't believe Santa does what he says he does.
Mamma told me that Santa actually doesn't exist. Well wait a minute... if that's the case, then my original hypothesis was false. I actually COULD trust Santa (if he existed) ... the person I can't trust is Mamma!
It gets worse as time goes by. This is especially true with the more comparisons we make over time. Whenever someone does something that reminds us of something someone else did, those neurons fire and we begin to doubt. Doubt is the lack of trust. You can NOT trust someone you doubt, period. It's impossible.
Now, as time goes by, the more crap that happens to you perpetrated by others, the less inclined you will be to believe that anyone new in your life will be any different. The level of proof you require gets higher and higher and higher until no-one could possibly provide enough evidence that they are what they say they are ... or that they will be what they say they will be.
This is a vicious and LONELY cycle. The only person you're satisfying with this attitude is yourself. Even though you're not satisfied with the status of things... and this is the kicker... at least you were right!
So how do you break this cycle? That's the one people have asked for years and years. Some people get it, while others never do. It's NOT EASY ... and yet it's simple. It doesn't require any self-help tapes. It doesn't require fame, fortune or power. It requires that you let go.
"Let go?! WTF does that mean?! Let go of what? I know what it means and I won't get hurt again!!"
That's NOT letting go. That's holding on.
Letting go means REALIZING that this new person in your life is NOT anyone else in your life currently or previously. It means forgiving those who hurt you before and loving them the same way you did before you found out about their broken promises. It means accepting yourself, and others, as we are... not as we think we should be. What is meant to be is meant to be.
Now does this mean let people walk over you? Of course not. It means state your expectations clearly and up-front and what the consequences are if those expectations are not met. It also means STICK TO YOUR GUNS. If someone breaks a rule, don't let the consequences slide! It also means that if you say something is okay, don't change your mind to say it's NOT okay later ... at least not without having a REALLY good reason for it.
Most of all... communicate. This is not easy with people who are of mixed levels of self-esteem. One will invariably, and often unintentionally, dominate the other. This does nothing but frustrate BOTH people.
If you're trying to rebuild trust with someone, be honest about what happened, first. If you were comparing them and judging them based on those comparisons, own up to it. Then forgive yourself for doing that. Finally, inform them that you acknowledge that they are not the person you compared them to and ask for their forgiveness.
From this point on, it may be possible to rebuild trust IF you state your expectations clearly. If someone is unable or unwilling to accept those expectations (whether they be limits or privileges), be honest about how you feel about the situation openly and clearly so that you can both work out the best thing to do for each other.
Now, I'm going to warn you... although this all sounds quite easy... it's not. There will be times in your life when you think "If I could just get you to see my point of view." That doesn't really happen with coercion. The only way that happens ... is through "magic." Yeah, I said it... magic. Because one moment you're not thinking the same... and suddenly the next moment you are. What made the difference? The difference is you didn't care whether they got you or not. Not in a "I don't care about you, you can get AIDS and die" type of way. An "I don't care" where you're not so focused as to force the other to see what you see.
I hope this made sense. I know I used a LOT of pronouns and any editor would probably have my head on a platter at this point. But I think I got the primary concept across.
I have these RSS (Really Simple Syndication) feeds that I check with an RSS reader. What is a feed? It's sorta like a news source. My blog can be an RSS feed too. Anytime I update it, your RSS reader can inform you, "Yo, that tranny bitch updated her blog... here's what she wrote."
So, back to MY RSS feeds... I have several. Oh Gizmo!, MTV Movie News, I Can Has CheezeBurger, etc. I also have a couple of transgender news feeds. It brings me all sorts of news from the queer world (not just the gender-benders).
Today, I got a hit about a queer film festival and started reading through the offerings. In this list of literally dozens of short films, the ONLY transgender film posted was another sad tale... this one about the sorrows of being transgender in a strictly muslim society.
HELLO PEOPLE?! Where's the transsexual romantic comedy? Where's the story of 3 to 5 tranny friends that hang out together? Where's the uplifting story of the cross-dresser that fought to save the homeless? For all the bitching and moaning about how we gender-benders just want to be part of society, all we ever seem to produce is stories about how we don't fit into society.
Oh sure, there's stories about unwilling changes. Those that through some magical means end up the opposite to their own gender and have to deal with it. There are stories of those that use crossing gender lines as a way to get what they want, only to find out it's harder than it looks and end up learning a valuable lesson in the end. But these are not about trans people. They're about people who are chauvanistic assholes that need to learn about humanity.
Just once, I would love to see a story about a transsexual person that was truly uplifting and funny. Not contrived and forced into a hollywood genderqueer formula but one that really showed the human life from my view-point.
Yeah, I hear you in my head saying, "well... why don't YOU write it, dumb-ass." Well maybe I will.
I just wanted to bitch about it for a second, can you blame me? Of course you can. Ah spit. Alright, I guess I'll put this energy to use.
This came across the wire in one of my RSS feeds today. Ole' Patty is up to her (err..) his old tricks again, feeding bullshit to the masses instead of mushrooms. It's no wonder all the Christians I know that agree with him have such sour-puss looks on their faces considering the "spiritual food" he give them is pretty sour.
Proud, Pat? Yes. Very. And, oddly enough, I'm even proud of you for never wavering in your stance or your beliefs either. We will always disagree and we will not be meeting in the here-and-now or the hereafter if things continue as they are. I believe in one-conditional love. That condition is the very condition it states. Nothing else. If you truly have love in your heart, Pat... you'll embrace ALL God's children, instruct them to love one another without reservation and do the same yourself, and leave the judgment calls to your creator.
I worry for you, Pat. Please don't walk down the road of righteousness. Try the road of humility, just once. It's a hard road, but nothing good is ever easy.
This past weekend was Memorial Day weekend. Memorial Day is one of those "remember our dead" days where those who established the holiday intended for us to join together in a spirit of thanks and celebration for the freedoms we have today at the cost of those who have fought to preserve them.
On Sunday, Sadao along with John and Jeremiah (friends from Melbourne) went to the Space Coast Pride event. It was the second annual event for that region and was covered by the local news. John took Sadao's pride flag (a rainbow flag with a Male & Male symbol in the upper-left-hand corner) with him and was "showing his colors" that day. Well guess what... he got in the paper. His picture on the front page. We saw this on Monday and were very excited and happy for him. We saw it online, though, since we live on the Treasure Coast.
In the online version, there were multiple comments about how wrong it was for people to wake up on Memorial Day and see a bunch of "Godless faggots" parading about on the day that was meant to honor our dead. The rants were amusing to me at the time because I find such bigotry so out-of-date and un-Christian that it's amazing to me that over 2000 years later there are still people who cling to a literal translation of a mythology rather than it's intended set of lessons.
Today, however, in my bevy of updates from around the internet, I saw this entry:
It made me pause and remember that there ARE those who have fought for their country and died who have been LGBTQ identified. I began to see yet another way to appeal to those who would bring hate down upon gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, transgendered and queers. We live here too! We fought for you too! Who knows? If some of those women that donned men's clothing so they could fight in the war had chosen a more "socially acceptable" path, it might have turned out for the worse! Maybe not, of course, but the possibility exists.
What's the point? The point is simple. You may think you're fighting for the right reason. But, in truth, there is never a good reason to fight. Fighting is a LAST RESORT ... which I pray never comes to fall upon the people of this Earth. Love is not possessive... neither is it controlling. It is accepting and freeing.
One day, I'm going to take all these little vignettes and put them in a book and sell them. If it changes JUST ONE person's heart from stone-cold to warm and loving, it will be worth more than anything I could make from the book.
Raison d'être is a phrase borrowed from French where it means simply "reason for being"; in English use, it also comes to suggest a degree of rationalization, as "The claimed reason for the existence of something or someone".
The claimed reason for the existence of something or someone; the purpose of something or someone.
Surfing became his raison d’être.
Everyone has one, or they wouldn't be alive on this planet right now. I'm not talking about some cosmic reason, I'm talking about a personal, realized reason. It's what keeps us going. It's the source of our happiness. It's what makes us tick. It's the most precious thing we have, really. It's something we want to share, yet it's something that if known (and taken away) can be devastating to life.
A kind, understanding and loving person will help you fulfill your raison d'être. Someone without those qualities will want to expose it in order to eliminate it.
My own raison d'être has changed many times. It's had to. I've either set my sights so low that I was able to fulfill it too quickly, or they were set so impossibly high that I couldn't figure out how to get there from here and gave up. It's a frightening thing to be without one, let me tell ya (although I probably don't need to tell ya).
It ties, pretty heavily, into another French phrase: Joie de vivre:
Joie de vivre (from the French joie, "joy"; de, "of"; vivre, "to live, living"; "the joy of living") is a term sometimes imported into English to express a cheerful enjoyment of life; an exultation of spirit. Joie de vivre, as one scholar has written,
"can be a joy of conversation, joy of eating, joy of anything one might do… And joie de vivre may be seen as a joy of everything, a comprehensive joy, a philosophy of life, a Weltanschauung. Robert's Dictionnaire says joie is sentiment exaltant ressenti par toute la conscience, that is, involves one's whole being."
In English common usage, the phrase is sometimes corrupted to joie de vie. This would translate to "joy of life" or "zest for life," rather than the more affirmative "joy of living." Joie de vive is another common spelling error.
Is it really all perception? How many times can one change their perception of life in order to keep going? I understand, now, why people have families and careers and such. It is their raison d'être and gives them joie de vivre. So where is mine? Where has it gone? I miss it.
Part of the problem is when one makes another person their reason to be. My mother warned me of this. I have fought dilliegenty to keep this from happening. However her suggestion seemed inadequte at the time. Her suggestion was to have God be my raison d'être. That's not an easy task for a being trapped in a physical realm. I have no physical, sensual experience of God. I can't see, hear, smell, touch or even taste God. I've been in situations where I've felt the "God experience" but based on the definition, I can't say that it's been real since it hasn't lasted.
If God is Love, and Love never fails, then God would never fail and never depart. I've experienced many things, in every tactile sense I mentioned before, that has brought me to that "God experience." But every time it fades I'm reminded that it's simply the dopamine/serotonin rush that I'm feeling and not really God. Why wasn't it God? It didn't last, that's why.
I'm fighting depression. Depression brought on by loss. How does one live without a raison d'être after having one for so long? How does one simply change their raison d'être again... especially after they've already had to change it over and over and over again? The first question is more to the point, really. Living without one. That's a toughie. Without that... why get out of bed? Why go to work? Why bother eating, dressing, cleaning the house, making the beds, doing the chores of what's necessary in life? I understand now how addictions are formed... they fulfill someone's need for a raison d'être ... often without a true joie de vivre.
Even now, I can feel my spirits lifting just discussing this. It seems that the very quest, the very nature of my search is often part and parcel to my raison d'être yet brings me little joy. Just enough to get me through this post, probably. Are we all just dopamine junkies?
I posted this picture on Sadao's Myspace account a few days ago:
It REALLY made me laugh! I posted it with "Who do these two cats remind you of?" See, the top one reminds me of me... while the bottom one reminds me of him. I envy that simple, child-like view he has, the ability to amuse himself (and others) in any situation. I only envy it, of course, because I used to possess that ability myself. It was when my raison d'être WAS the joie de vivre. Is there a way to get back there without going back in time? Is there a way to push through this depression without falling back upon mythology that doesn't manifest itself in the physical world? If there is, I must find it ... or I fear my raison d'être will completely cease to exist. I know what this means, ironically. It means losing "everything" again... in order to find eternity. Death to old ways, Birth to new ones.
This post may have left you feeling bad for me. Don't let that happen! This is just my mental toilet time, I guess. I hope that someday I can be someone that others will look up to for inspiration, knowledge and wisdom. Having just said that, I know that experience must occur first. So, I best get started experiencing things.
