Friday, October 3, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Revelations and Re-Visions
Phew... yesterday was interesting.
Last night I got a call from someone I didn't expect to hear from. She and I have had an interesting past together. She sent me an e-mail that I finally realized was a "Thank You" note. She described how her view on life, enemies, friends, etc. had changed based on the experiences we had shared. They had changed for the better for her. I had been looking at from a very selfish viewpoint up until then. This time, I let God show me what she was saying. It would be an understatement to say that I was moved. I realized that although our experiences had been fraught with despicable actions toward each other, we had both learned so much from the experience that it was beyond our ken at the time to see what the purpose of it was.
I thank God for finally revealing to me the reason for the "shortcut" through the wilderness ... it didn't feel like a shortcut at the time... but I know that based on the direction I was heading before I met her, it would have taken me a MUCH LONGER time to figure it out.
It's hard to know when we're being selfish sometimes. What is taught is not always learned as it was intended to be learned.
On another note, I found that I'm going to have quite the task ahead of me regarding the house in Orlando. Apparently one of the bathrooms is in dire need of cleaning... the fridge still has food in it... and the back door lock has been broken (which means there might have been homeless people in the house at some point... only God knows what I might find there). So I'm leaving for Orlando EARLY on Saturday to get to the house in plenty of time to review it and take care of some things before the realtor gets there. I should also have had the lawn resolved before then, too.
Lastly, I was given a tiny revelation today. Last night I stopped Amadeus (Travis' cat) from killing a mouse in the driveway. But I apparently didn't notice the other mouse. I found it this morning. I know that in the wild, the mouse acts as food for the cat. I know it's nature. But I have a soft spot for all God's creatures great and small.
While I was thinking about this, I was reminded of a passage in Isaiah, chapter 11, verse 6:
I was thinking last night that this was something we were to achieve here on Earth. Then I remembered Luke 12:51:
I thought about this and realized that the wolf dwelling with the lamb was symbolic for the peace that death provides us... when we are all truly equal again. It is not for us to change the nature that God (in His infinite wisdom) has put in motion. He knew that through conflict we would become stronger and would understand the nature of that strength and when to use it. I never liked conflict, but I understand it's purpose now.
I find it slightly humorous that I took several trips via mind-expanding substances to find the answers to life, existence, behavior, etc. only to come full circle and re-discover the words written years ago as they were meant for me to read. Now I just need to get a Bible again.
Peace,
Jenna
Last night I got a call from someone I didn't expect to hear from. She and I have had an interesting past together. She sent me an e-mail that I finally realized was a "Thank You" note. She described how her view on life, enemies, friends, etc. had changed based on the experiences we had shared. They had changed for the better for her. I had been looking at from a very selfish viewpoint up until then. This time, I let God show me what she was saying. It would be an understatement to say that I was moved. I realized that although our experiences had been fraught with despicable actions toward each other, we had both learned so much from the experience that it was beyond our ken at the time to see what the purpose of it was.
I thank God for finally revealing to me the reason for the "shortcut" through the wilderness ... it didn't feel like a shortcut at the time... but I know that based on the direction I was heading before I met her, it would have taken me a MUCH LONGER time to figure it out.
It's hard to know when we're being selfish sometimes. What is taught is not always learned as it was intended to be learned.
On another note, I found that I'm going to have quite the task ahead of me regarding the house in Orlando. Apparently one of the bathrooms is in dire need of cleaning... the fridge still has food in it... and the back door lock has been broken (which means there might have been homeless people in the house at some point... only God knows what I might find there). So I'm leaving for Orlando EARLY on Saturday to get to the house in plenty of time to review it and take care of some things before the realtor gets there. I should also have had the lawn resolved before then, too.
Lastly, I was given a tiny revelation today. Last night I stopped Amadeus (Travis' cat) from killing a mouse in the driveway. But I apparently didn't notice the other mouse. I found it this morning. I know that in the wild, the mouse acts as food for the cat. I know it's nature. But I have a soft spot for all God's creatures great and small.
While I was thinking about this, I was reminded of a passage in Isaiah, chapter 11, verse 6:
"And the wolf will dwell with the lamb, And the leopard will lie down with the young goat, And the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; And a little boy will lead them."
I was thinking last night that this was something we were to achieve here on Earth. Then I remembered Luke 12:51:
"Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division."
I thought about this and realized that the wolf dwelling with the lamb was symbolic for the peace that death provides us... when we are all truly equal again. It is not for us to change the nature that God (in His infinite wisdom) has put in motion. He knew that through conflict we would become stronger and would understand the nature of that strength and when to use it. I never liked conflict, but I understand it's purpose now.
I find it slightly humorous that I took several trips via mind-expanding substances to find the answers to life, existence, behavior, etc. only to come full circle and re-discover the words written years ago as they were meant for me to read. Now I just need to get a Bible again.
Peace,
Jenna
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Beat the Clock
Well, technically, the clock has already beaten me. But I might still have a chance.
Basically, I'm trying to get rid of a house in Orlando (not an easy task these days). My mortgage company is not very pleased with me (to say the least) but they're being a little understanding given some of the crap I've been going through lately.
Anyway... I have a realtor now who specializes in short sales. I've also left messages for a couple of lawn-care companies who can hopefully get the lawn in order. I'm meeting with the realtor on Saturday to discuss what we can do.
If I don't get a sale on the house in 90 days, Countrywide will let me do a deed-in-lieu. But until then, I have to try to get the house sold. Not an easy task by any means. This house has already affected my credit now for the past 7 months (yay!) so I'm gonna be hip-deep in this for a while. But, sometimes healing takes a while (as I mentioned before).
Anyway, hopefully there's still enough time to get out from under this house without the bank smashing my nads completely. We'll see.
Basically, I'm trying to get rid of a house in Orlando (not an easy task these days). My mortgage company is not very pleased with me (to say the least) but they're being a little understanding given some of the crap I've been going through lately.
Anyway... I have a realtor now who specializes in short sales. I've also left messages for a couple of lawn-care companies who can hopefully get the lawn in order. I'm meeting with the realtor on Saturday to discuss what we can do.
If I don't get a sale on the house in 90 days, Countrywide will let me do a deed-in-lieu. But until then, I have to try to get the house sold. Not an easy task by any means. This house has already affected my credit now for the past 7 months (yay!) so I'm gonna be hip-deep in this for a while. But, sometimes healing takes a while (as I mentioned before).
Anyway, hopefully there's still enough time to get out from under this house without the bank smashing my nads completely. We'll see.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Keep Learning and Understanding
Letting go isn't the easiest thing to do, it seems.
As Sting would sing, "If you love someone, set them free."
Do I believe that? Yes... but that makes love hurt like all hell. It's never easy to look at someone you love and do what's good for them when it breaks your own heart doing it. Although for some people, it appears to be easier than for others.
For me, it's heart-wrenching. It puts you in that realm where you don't know what the ultimate outcome will be and you have to have faith and trust in something you really believe in.
"Should I stay or should I go?"
There's give and take in any relationship... whether it be with a lover, a family member or a friend. Sometimes I get my wires crossed about which is which. Sometimes the same person can cause my heart to leap for joy and sometimes shatter it into a million and one pieces.
Why do we do it? Why put ourselves through the rollercoaster? Because the good times are just that good, my friend. My mother taught me that not too long ago. Despite some of the personal hurt and heart-wrenching moments she had with my father, the good times with him far outweighed the bad times in quantity and quality.
When others are quarreling, we can see the issue itself without respect to the sides being taken emotionally by those within the "contest." We can see the outside forces affecting each of them and understand why the emotions and sensitivities are so pronounced when they can not. But when we ourselves are under the same pressure, we often can not see it for ourselves and become embroiled within our own needs. It takes someone with great presence to look outside their own self and see themselves through another person's eyes.
Sometimes there are things we simply can not live with. We might try to live with it... perhaps through understanding of situations simply because we ourselves were once in the same situation. However, sometimes seeing another go through that is too much to bear. We all have our breaking points, no matter what we might say.
There have been many times I have looked back and truly admired my friends and loved ones for the restraint they showed in admonishing me or correcting my behavior... simply because they knew that the best way for me to learn was through experience. But there have also been times when I wondered why they weren't firmer with me given the fact that they knew where I was going.
But one can never be truly free until they've been allowed to make their own mistakes in life... sometimes more than once. Figuring out when to hold back and when to put one's foot down is the hard part. But I'll never make it to where I want to be unless I figure it out for myself, accept it and stand by it for better or for worse, without compromise.
Yes, I agonize over forks in the road. I shouldn't have to, really. I've been down some of these roads before and therefore know where they lead. This should make it much easier to pick the OTHER path. I pray for that wisdom and courage every day of my life. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't.
But through it all, I know that I am learning, even if just a little bit each day. I look forward to when life finally speeds up on me and the gray hair flows in the breeze.
Peace,
Jenna
As Sting would sing, "If you love someone, set them free."
Do I believe that? Yes... but that makes love hurt like all hell. It's never easy to look at someone you love and do what's good for them when it breaks your own heart doing it. Although for some people, it appears to be easier than for others.
For me, it's heart-wrenching. It puts you in that realm where you don't know what the ultimate outcome will be and you have to have faith and trust in something you really believe in.
"Should I stay or should I go?"
There's give and take in any relationship... whether it be with a lover, a family member or a friend. Sometimes I get my wires crossed about which is which. Sometimes the same person can cause my heart to leap for joy and sometimes shatter it into a million and one pieces.
Why do we do it? Why put ourselves through the rollercoaster? Because the good times are just that good, my friend. My mother taught me that not too long ago. Despite some of the personal hurt and heart-wrenching moments she had with my father, the good times with him far outweighed the bad times in quantity and quality.
When others are quarreling, we can see the issue itself without respect to the sides being taken emotionally by those within the "contest." We can see the outside forces affecting each of them and understand why the emotions and sensitivities are so pronounced when they can not. But when we ourselves are under the same pressure, we often can not see it for ourselves and become embroiled within our own needs. It takes someone with great presence to look outside their own self and see themselves through another person's eyes.
Sometimes there are things we simply can not live with. We might try to live with it... perhaps through understanding of situations simply because we ourselves were once in the same situation. However, sometimes seeing another go through that is too much to bear. We all have our breaking points, no matter what we might say.
There have been many times I have looked back and truly admired my friends and loved ones for the restraint they showed in admonishing me or correcting my behavior... simply because they knew that the best way for me to learn was through experience. But there have also been times when I wondered why they weren't firmer with me given the fact that they knew where I was going.
But one can never be truly free until they've been allowed to make their own mistakes in life... sometimes more than once. Figuring out when to hold back and when to put one's foot down is the hard part. But I'll never make it to where I want to be unless I figure it out for myself, accept it and stand by it for better or for worse, without compromise.
Yes, I agonize over forks in the road. I shouldn't have to, really. I've been down some of these roads before and therefore know where they lead. This should make it much easier to pick the OTHER path. I pray for that wisdom and courage every day of my life. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't.
But through it all, I know that I am learning, even if just a little bit each day. I look forward to when life finally speeds up on me and the gray hair flows in the breeze.
Peace,
Jenna
Takes a Little TIme
This song really ministered to my spirit this morning. Amy Grant's "Takes a Little Time"
It takes a little time sometimes
To get your feet back on the ground
It takes a little time sometimes
To get the titanic turned back around
It takes a little time sometimes
But baby you're not going down
It takes more than you've got right now
Give it time
What's this walking thru my door
I know I've seen the look before
Sometimes in faces on the street
Sometimes in the mirror looking back at me
You can't fix this pain with money
You can't rush a weary soul
You can't sweep it under the rug, now honey
It dont take a lot to know
(chorus)
Now it may not be over by morning
But rome wasn't built in a day
You can name this thing a thousand times
But it wont make it go away
Let me put my arms around you
And hold you while you weep
We've been talking and talking
I'm sick of this talk
And it's nothing that wont keep
(chorus)
No you cant fix this pain with money
You can't rush a weary soul
You can't sweep it under the rug now honey
It don't take a lot to know
(chorus)
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thanks Sis
Well, I'm getting ready to leave for church. Yup! I'm gonna check out the MCC Church in Palm Beach Gardens today. I want to see if it's Spirit-filled or just going through the motions.
I want to publicly thank my sister in Christ, Stacy for giving me a TON of music a while back. Most of it was Christian Rock and stuff I listened too when I was in my teens and twenties. We're talkin' Petra. :) Their songs are so uplifting and it's definitely cool water for me after a long dry spell in my life!
So thank you, Stacy. :) I love you and miss you!
Peace,
Jenna
I want to publicly thank my sister in Christ, Stacy for giving me a TON of music a while back. Most of it was Christian Rock and stuff I listened too when I was in my teens and twenties. We're talkin' Petra. :) Their songs are so uplifting and it's definitely cool water for me after a long dry spell in my life!
So thank you, Stacy. :) I love you and miss you!
Peace,
Jenna
Friday, September 26, 2008
Hmm...
Well, I finally worked up the courage to do something. I called someone today who had been a close friend of mine back in my camp counseling days. Unfortunately, he was busy but suggested I call back at around 5:30 ... which I plan to do.
I, briefly, had the chance to tell him who I was now and who I was then... but I could sense the impatience and perhaps a little bit of shock over the phone. I am wondering if he will actually be there to answer the phone when I call back. The reason I say that is because he didn't say goodbye... he said, "Okay, Sir." and hung up.
Sir?? Now, he and I had a falling out, it's true. I want to apologize to him for all that and let him know that I've asked for God's forgiveness... knowing what I was going through at that time in trying to find "acceptance." But even so, I wasn't expecting "Sir." Maybe he was simply trying to display a manner of decorum at work... I don't know... I mean he owns the place so I would think he could do and say whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. But then, what do I know... not much... it's been over 16 years since we spoke last.
If it wasn't important to me... if he wasn't someone important to me in my life, I wouldn't bother. Regardless of the outcome, I will leave it all in God's hands I guess and see where it goes. I could be completely misreading it or I could be right-on-the-money with my estimation. Either way, I can only pray that God's will be done here. Maybe he just needs to yell at me for a bit. And if so, then I'll let him.
Pray for me. Pray for him. Just Pray.
I, briefly, had the chance to tell him who I was now and who I was then... but I could sense the impatience and perhaps a little bit of shock over the phone. I am wondering if he will actually be there to answer the phone when I call back. The reason I say that is because he didn't say goodbye... he said, "Okay, Sir." and hung up.
Sir?? Now, he and I had a falling out, it's true. I want to apologize to him for all that and let him know that I've asked for God's forgiveness... knowing what I was going through at that time in trying to find "acceptance." But even so, I wasn't expecting "Sir." Maybe he was simply trying to display a manner of decorum at work... I don't know... I mean he owns the place so I would think he could do and say whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. But then, what do I know... not much... it's been over 16 years since we spoke last.
If it wasn't important to me... if he wasn't someone important to me in my life, I wouldn't bother. Regardless of the outcome, I will leave it all in God's hands I guess and see where it goes. I could be completely misreading it or I could be right-on-the-money with my estimation. Either way, I can only pray that God's will be done here. Maybe he just needs to yell at me for a bit. And if so, then I'll let him.
Pray for me. Pray for him. Just Pray.
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