Thursday, December 26, 2002

Ruminations of Time

Editor's Note: This entry is backdated from my old website I had back in 2002.

Well, it's the day after Christmas... actually the night after Christmas and I'm thinking about all that has happened this year. I became single again, I got a new nose, I've moved to a new apartment, I got a raise and a "lateral shift" at work, I turned a third of a century old. I marvelled at Spiderman and Star Wars: Episode II, I found out what tequila does to my sister, I went to Ft. Lauderdale and South Beach for vacation, I frolicked at GayDays 2002, I saw The Crystal Method live, and so many other things that I really can't remember right now.

And now, I'm thinking about my future. Where will things go from here? Well, with regard to my transition, I've made a tentative plan to schedule my final surgery (the BIG one) in late 2003. I've talked about it before... my choice is to go to Thailand and have Dr. Suporn perform the honors. But what happens after that?

Many t-girls tend to see the surgery as the ultimate goal. The final piece of the jigsaw puzzle that will make everything okay. But I'm only 33. I'll only be 34 after my surgery is complete. So what do I do with the remaining 30 to 50 years of my life? That's a long time to be sitting around without a goal!

Well, I have already decided that my next big adventure after that is to go back to school. I never actually finished college. I ducked out near the end because I was bored with it. I wanted to get my hands dirty. I wanted to get out there and work, not deal with classes and memorization, and all of that clap-trap.

But now, things are different. I have a hunger for knowledge and the desire to change not only my life, but others' lives as well. So, I've chosen to go back to school for Nursing this time. The computer industry has left me feeling used and dirty. All my life I have created non-existent constructs that represent other non-existent constructs which, for some reason, mean SO MUCH to SO MANY people. But in the end, it doesn't better anyone's life. It doesn't hold a child's hand when he's scared. It doesn't reassure an elderly woman that she will be fine and that her son is on his way. It doesn't rush in in the nick of time and save someone from an early and unnatural death. All it does is put hard-working people out of work and on the streets. Because that's what automation software is designed to do.

Now, I'm not deluded that my life will be all peaches and cream as a nurse. I'm sure I'll have my share of backsides to wash, urinals to empty, vomit to clean up, enemas to deliver, etc. But even these things mean so much more than making 1s and 0s jump through hoops. I've become stagnant and depressed... and it's time to get my spiritual groove back.

I'm reminded of the parable Christ told about the lambs and the goats. Even the smallest action, when done selflessly for another, is enough for heaven's rewards. I want to make change in peoples' lives. Maybe it's a need to finish the work I began. When my surgery is complete, I'll be physically where I want to be. But what about everyone else? So maybe it's my need to keep making things better. Either way, it's where I'm headed. My path is set and my goals continue to elude me... just the way I like it. :)