Monday, July 31, 2006

Just Another Day

Okay, so usually when I write, I write about big things... big events, great portents and meaning or some other bullshit. Yeah... well, today was just a day. There were some cool things that happened (like getting a call from a Headhunter that *might* actually pan out this time) and finally getting back on track with the MP3s for PLUR Records, etc. There were some aggravating things too... things we didn't get to... things we did get to... etc. and etc. and blah blah blah. But all-in-all... it was just an ordinary day and that was a good thing. It's been nice to not have huge things over our heads that keeps us in fear of the future. With a little forethought and planning, these types of issues may not rear their heads as ugly as they have in the recent past. Just gotta be able to stay on top of everything or rely on each other to stay on top of the things we can't for each other when it's needed (okay... it's late and grammar has left me... so what).

So... just an ordinary day for the likes of me today. Yay. Hope y'all were bored too.


Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I have a bed!

Yay! After sleeping on the couch in the new house for at least a week, I finally have my bed here. :) I don't know about anyone else, but to me it doesn't feel like you live somewhere until you have your own space with your bed and your stuff around you. It's just... "your space" where no-one you don't want there can encroach upon. It's a great feeling.

Now there's still a lot to be done and there are plans to be made. But it's now starting to feel like it's all coming together, finally... at least for me. I've been sacrificing my own personal space for the greater good for the family, but now things are coming together for me. :)

I'm so grateful to Josh and Stephen for helping me get the bed over here and set up. I'm very grateful to Rob for going to the store and orchestrating the process of getting it ordered and delivered.

Now, I've got to get the rest of my stuff here, get the office/studio set up here, etc. I'm grateful for all the work Twink has done in getting the house together like she has. She's been a busy bee around here getting things moving along to where it works, is awesome to look at, is homey (or homely as she puts it and makes me giggle every time), just all around ... *deep contented sigh* ... is the only way to really put it.

There are times, now and then, when I wish my input was a little more accepted and less questioned. Don't get me wrong, Twink ALWAYS asks me what I think of how to set things up, if I'd like this or that, etc. She ALWAYS wants to know how I feel about it. Sometimes, however, I get the veto-pout and eyebrow furrow that makes my will wrap around her extremeties... but it's all good because eventually I realize that she's put a lot more thought and work into the layout and setup than I have. I've usually had other unpleasantness to deal with while she's had the fun of getting things fixed up, cleaned up and set up the way she likes it. There are times when it's something important to me... like the setup of the office/studio. I worked on that for two days in a design program to work out a way to make the flow of the room work best in an office and studio type of situation/feel. She started working today on getting that area cleaned up and moved around and has decided that she wants her desk and turntables where she put them. When I tried to mention that I had already worked out a plan, I got the above mentioned veto. Now I'm trying to work out a compromise that makes sense and won't un-fung her shui. *sigh* ... it's like being married without the really REALLY fun part. :-P I'll probably mention all this to her later since this is going to be a private entry anyway. We'll see what kind of reaction I get... she HAS been drinking. There's always the heartstrings... it sounds evil but it's not... it's just knowing how each other operates and working out the compromise together.

Anyway, I don't want to come off like I'm not happy with how things are. I'm not being ungrateful or taking any of what she's done for granted. Quite the contrary... I'm obviously paying attention. :) These are just the things that make life interesting. Right now she's entertaining herself by playing records for Stephen... stuff he says he's not heard or hasn't heard in a long time. She wants to go to Walmart. I might just go for her since they're having such a good time. I'm looking forward to my bed more than anything at this point. Heh... it's awesome, truly. :)

At any rate, I'm gonna close this entry for now. (damn she's droppin' a hot track right now). Anyway... more later!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Two Responsibilities

Started this blog at 3:45 a.m. I've written and erased a lot of stuff about life and moving and all kinds of other shit. As I was writing I found myself reminding myself of my two rules and suddenly everything made sense again. Thankfully.

1. First Responsibility: Each person is responsible for their own condition.

My mental, emotional and physical conditions are my own responsibility and if I were to transfer that by saying "He's making me angry" or "She's driving me insane" or "This is making me sick" is simply me giving control of my well-being to something or someone else. Recognizing that enables me to take back control of my own condition if I choose. Keeping this concept in mind is one of the most difficult tasks for me to do sometimes when life's events continue to occur as they do, impacting the progress I try to make. It's a natural reaction to make someone else responsible. In truth, they're responsible for their own actions but not how I feel about them. Which leads me to number 2...

2. Second Responsibility: Each person is responsible for how they relate to their environment, but not for how their environment relates to them.

We are responsible for how we relate to people, places and things and must bear the responsibility. But we are not responsible for how they relate to us. Perhaps something we did made them choose to do what they did. Perhaps it was something else ... maybe there was another outside life influence that affected their choices. The one life you live is yours, not theirs so it's impossible for you to know 100% what it is that causes them to act the way they do without asking them.

This second responsibility is even harder for me to keep focused on because I care about people so much. I care about what they think, how they feel, etc. Even more so when they're close to me... when they've taken an interest in me more so than just what I can do for them either actively or passively. A real, honest interest. When they're upset, I'm upset and I want to help. It's just who I am. Some people understand this, others don't.

There are two ways this can play out if the second rule is not remembered. One is resentmenet. In order to help out and be a good friend, I sacrifice my resources for them (time, money, etc.) to make things easier for them. This can lead to resentment at times if it's felt like an equal effort is not being returned. But what I must remember at times like this is that I chose to do what I did. Once I remember that, once I dig back and think about why... it becomes beautifully clear.

The second way this can play out is guilt. When I give and give and then stop for a moment to take care of something I need to do for myself, and my friends become burdened with something that I can't help with or said I would help with or otherwise, I begin to feel pangs of guilt for leaving them in a situation that I could have helped with if I hadn't stopped for a moment to be selfish. What I must remember at times like these is that being selfish is not a bad thing. If one doesn't take care of themselves and their own responsibilities, their lives will be out of balance and they will not be able to help anyone else. Circumstances are unfortunate in many cases and it is good to comiserate and provide support for each other in that respect.

I will not stop trying to save the world; it's who I am. I will not compromise who I am. It's what makes me happy. But I will stop getting upset over whether the world wants to give anything back to me. If it does, it does and it becomes a beautiful thing. If it doesn't, I have the option to continue to give or to stop giving. I will also try to stop feeling guilty for things I had no control over while I was being a little selfish. I was only trying to take care of my own responsibilities so that my life was in order and freed up to help another with theirs.

I have the feeling that today is going to be a very productive day.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Underhanded Underwriters

There's a show called "Inside The Actor's Studio" on Bravo where this dude interviews actors in front of film students. At the end of each show he askes them several questions from a questionnaire designed by some french dude he admires. Anyway... one of these questions is what profession other than your own would you MOST like to attempt and which one would you LEAST like to attempt. After this weekend, I can say that "underwriter" would not be for me.

So, it's been a while since I last updated my journal. Twink and Josh and I have been trying to find a house and we found one. We've been through a LOT trying to get into this house, but I'll tell you, this last Friday was the most trying of them all. We were all poised and ready. Everything was in order. I was getting ready to go to the closing when I got a call from the mortgage broker saying that the receptionist where I work told the bank that I was fired two months ago. My boss was in flight and could not get to the phone when they tried to call. I tried to direct them to facilitator of my contract but they wouldn't have it. They wanted to speak to my boss. So, they wouldn't close. Meanwhile, Twink and Josh have all their belonging locked up in a truck ready to unload at the new house. We're stuck in a waiting pattern until Monday when my employment can be verified and we can finally get into the house.

This lender has been a pain in the ass. They didn't like the color of the pool. So we had to fix that since the seller wouldn't do anything to help. The well water filtration system was malfunctioning, so we replaced that. The day before closing they sent out the appraiser AGAIN to take pictures of the bars on the windows (long story and yes, we're going to remove them). They've waited until the last minute on everything and have activiely been keeping us from getting into this house at every turn. You would THINK a lender would want to MAKE money here. But it seems that they are less interested in that and more interested in being a pain in the ass.

At any rate, we're about 12 hours away from knowing the final outcome. Tomorrow I'll go to the closing (provided they finally get a satisfactory answer to all their conditions) and get the keys. Once that's complete, we sell this house and all is well. It's a pain in the ass, I'm tellin' ya. Not what I'm doing... but how painful the "powers that be" are making it.

So I've been trying to relax and remind myself that everything will work out the way it's meant to. Our real-estate agent has another lender waiting in the wings in the event this lender chooses to be further dickheads. This is a nice thing to have since it will enable me to play hardball with the lender tomorrow if they get squirrelly. They work for us. We can fire them whenever we want. That's what they need to know.

I also have a new job interview tomorrow and I was supposed to have a date tomorrow night (however, I think that's going to fall through). He was supposed to call sometime this weekend to let me know when he'd be free and so we could figure out where to meet and such... but no call so... blah. If he doesn't come through this time, he can kiss my ass. I'm not going to be toyed with again.

Anyway... that's about it. More later.