Tuesday, February 28, 2006

50 First Dates

Life sometimes throws you curve balls that are almost impossible to deal with. My parents are in town. I love them dearly, but most times I think they just don't really understand me at all. Of course, no one is truly going to understand me better than me. That's just the way it is. Not unless I tell it.

I am so in love and it breaks my heart because who I'm in love with doesn't return it... at least... not the way I would prefer it. I have to sit and watch her walk away because I want her to be happy. It is bizarre because I know Rob feels the same way about me and I just can't return it. I don't love him that way, and I don't think I ever did... not really.

I think if it was truly right between us, I never would have strayed from him. There would never have been a need. We would have clicked from the very beginning and stayed that way through thick and thin. We would have been able to forgive each other for the things we've done but all we do is hurt each other and keep the cycle going. It's not healthy. My mental health is in serious question here... of course, one could say it's been in question for some time given some of the bone-head things I've done.

I think back to some of the the times she and I have shared. I can't think of anyone else in my life that I would want to spend the rest of it with. Everyone else pales in comparrison to her and it scares the shit out of me. I guess I can't be the man she needs me to be. But I would spend any amount of money, any amount of time, give up my immortal soul to make things right between us ... she means that much to me. I don't understand it... and I never will.

I give her her space because it seems that's what she wants. Now she's moving even farther away and the numbers of times I see her will be fewer and farther between. Maybe I am obsessing. Maybe it's all in my head. But what else is there, really? Honestly when it comes down to it... it's how you feel about that person in your head and in your heart, is it not?

The metaphors I see in everyday life bother me. They gnaw at me. She's dating someone that covers his body in tatoos that depict evil. He calls himself lucifer. It's all for shock value, she says. I say he's fooling her. I say she's just as duped as I was with Rob. I think she believes that I'll never break ties with him. That I'm shackled to him and won't break free. But that's not the case at all.

There's not one single day that goes by that I don't think about her. I wonder what she's doing, if she's having a good day or a bad day, how the kids are doing, what she's feeling, if she thinks about me at all and what goes on in her mind. I believe that anything can happen. I believe that miracles can happen. One must have faith and believe in themselves and it will happen.

I watched 50 first dates today with Mom and Dad and I cried again. I cried because of all the times he tried to show her how much he loved her and she just couldn't get it. But he wouldn't give up. I won't either. I know I won't... and I know that my life will always suck because of it.

Maybe I should make a tape for her. Maybe I should show her who I was before. I just don't know what it will take... but I'm gonna keep trying. We have time ... not much ... but it's there. I can't write about this anymore right now... my heart hurts too much.

Monday, February 20, 2006

The weekend

Whew... quite a weekend it was, too. Not quite as off the chain as others but definitely interesting... and busy! Went to Party City Friday night to pick up the helium tank... uhm... and of course had to test it... uhm, yeah. :-D Saturday I spent all day cleaning, doing laundry, fielding phone calls, decorating, etc. until it got closer to time for the party. Ansley showed up first, but she was pretty bummed out. I could tell she was not going to stay long. I tried to help her get through some of what she was dealing with... but it was too fresh and there was nothing anyone could really do then. Twink showed up after that with her mixer and headphones. I was very grateful for that! They stayed at the house while I went and picked up the birthday cakes.

As time wore on, a few people trickled in here and there... but there were only 8 in the house by the time Blake and Shannon showed up. I was really bummed about that... but we made him feel special none-the-less. More people started arriving later as the party got going and we got the music started and it was all good.

The rest of the night went pretty smoothly. There were a couple of hiccups that I had to deal with ... but nothing major. I'm beginning to think I should declare this house a testosterone-free zone, though. Blah. Sunday, after being up working on the house all day and partying all night, I was tired but couldn't sleep... at least not right away. So I went to Twink's to watch movies. Of course, her comfy couch began to suck the energy right out of me (even after a full BooKoo) and she had to nudge me several times. I felt bad because I wanted to just kinda chill and chat... but my partying that night did not include something that would keep me awake for the duration... so I was out of luck. Blah.

I get home, ready to crash, and work calls me. Problems again. Nobody wants to take responsibility. I have to save the day. Getting tired of this bullshit. Someone needs to read my logs and start taking sharing the responsibility. It's only fair. Or if not... pay me more for the time I spend working when I'm not at work.

Anyway... that's about it. No BIG HUGE dramas to report... no one had to be thrown out this time... in fact it went pretty well. I got to see Gizmo again which was very cool... always good to see him and hear him spin. Looking forward to hanging out with him again soon. Maybe even work on some music together. Although I'm beginning to doubt people's sincerity about working together when nobody comes forward and sets a date with me to do it. La la la. Anyway... I'm gonna finish my dinner (the spicy chicken sandwich from McDonalds... which is overcooked) and maybe drop some wax on my tables. Later.


Friday, February 17, 2006

Faith vs. Fact ... ... ... Fact

Yeah, I know. What?! Shaddup. I'm losing my faith pretty quickly. Doesn't seem to be much point in it anymore, really. The things I've put my faith in have not come true. The facts surrounding me have continued to impress themselves upon me more and more. Examples? You betcha.

Work: Faith says that I will be recognized for my hard work and dedication. That they will take notice of the skills and knowledge and just plain acknowledge my efforts to go over and above with something appropriate to the effort. Fact says they'll take whatever they can get and give only what they can get away with... a few flowery words to stroke my ego should be enough.

Relationships: Ha! Faith says that someone will see what I do, who I am, what I'm about, show me those things about themselves... recognize the sacrifice I make for them and return with something equal. Not equal in that if I give $100 bucks, they give $100 bucks. Equal in that if I give something dear to me so they have it better... they do the same for me. Fact says again, they'll take whatever they can get and give only what they can get away with... more floral verbiage. Lots of mouths are filled with gardens of cut flowers.

Friendships: Faith says I can trust them. That they'll always do what they say they'll do. That they'll be honest, respectful and return my friendship the same as I give to them... without question and without hesitation. Fact says... well you know what fact sayth... excuse me ... I had a rose petal in my mouth.

Ehh... maybe that's just the way things are and I'm the dope. Certainly possible. Being a dope isn't so bad though. Being asleep I always felt loved... regardless of whether it was true or not. Actually... all of this is probably just me pissing and moaning some more. Life sucks... work sucks... relationships suck... friendships suck... yadda yadda yadda. Why'd I bother coming to this planet in the first place? Must've been for the drugs. That's about it.

I really need to take some time off and search my feelings for what I want. Life could be so much better... I see others with decent lives... why not me? Oh yeah... I remember. Nevermind. Next time I'll try to keep my dick in my pants... literally.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Birthdays, Parents, Friends, Trips, Work... one of these things is not like the other.

Right... so, it's like this. There's a LOT of stuff coming up. Short list:

  1. Surprise Birthday Party for a good friend this Saturday
  2. Parents arrive on Tuesday
  3. Barbeque the following Saturday
  4. Dad's birthday on the 28th.
  5. Brad Smith at Fusion on the 1st (parents leave)
  6. Niece and friend arrive for spring break on the 4th
  7. Daniel's party on the 4th (hmm... think my niece will mind?)
  8. Pre WMC party at Firestone sometime in the next couple of weeks
  9. WMC: March 23rd through March 30th
  10. April... uhm... something I'm sure
  11. E3 and Ohio (yeah... not sure how that's going to work... but I gotta make it work somehow)

Anyway.... and throughout all this.. there's this MASSIVE migration effort at work to move all of our software from Orlando to Denver and replicate the data back and forth between the two sites for disaster recovery efforts. And of course... they want it all NOW. We have deadlines that impossible to meet and I want to shoot just about everyone by the time the day is half-way through. Because in addition to all this, there are normal everyday tasks and production issues that have to be dealt with. But hey.. they're Denver. We're supposed to do whatever they say.

Eff that. I found out my severance package would be about 40 grand. I'm gonna do what I wanna do. They're not gonna get rid of me... I know too much and it would cost too much to let me go. They're gonna woo and milk me until it's done and I'm gonna string'em along. Why the fuck not? We don't even know if we'll have jobs come April thanks to the buyout... so whatever.


Of course, this is all on top of normal life stuff. Bills, house cleaning, plurrecords (whatever... hopefully soon!), working on my own music, pet care (thank God I don't have a kid at the moment), and lots of other little things that life throws our way. Trying to keep it all straight and stay on top of everything but it's just a lot. Somehow I'll manage... I always seem to. But it sure is a lot of work. Maybe I should just slow down and say "can't" "nope" "no way" "sorry" "bite me" "fuck off" etc. Hard to do when it sounds like something cool to do. Heh.

So... dating... yeah... whatever. Not in this life time, I think. It would have to be someone that could keep up. Or at least be able to help me say those things I mentioned at the end of the last paragraph. :) It would be nice just to settle down some times... and then I think.. eff that... I've been in one place for too long. Time to get up and do something else. :)

Anyway... I've rambled enough. Just needed to get some things off my chest. Later.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Just another day in paradise

Well, okay... the subject of this is a little sarcastic... okay a lot sarcastic... as you will soon see.

I got to work a little late today and found lots of e-mails from various people in Denver asking for things in addition to directions from my boss in Orlando to handle certain things. I felt it only right to mention to him that people in Denver may start contacting him about the fact that I'm not "doing my job" because I'm not getting them what they need. The only reason for this would be that I'm doing things HE asked me to do.

He completely missed my point, thinking I was bitching about the amount of work to be done and began lecturing me on being late. We both started dredging up shit from the past (this seems to be a common thread... I wish people would stop that) and it turned into a pissing match. I began to feel like he didn't care about anything going on in my home life (which as a boss, yes, he's not supposed to), didn't care about the number of people I had to answer to, the amount of hours I work from home or anything else I'm faced with and was only concerned that I clock in and clock out at the appropriate times (which is odd considering I'm salaried).

My feeling behind that? I work to support my home life. My home life is not supposed to bend over backwards to make it easier for my work. I've spent time before where I put work first and all it did was make me miserable. So why go back into that mode. I was ready to hand in my 2 weeks, to be honest. But thankfully, he and I worked things out over lunch and hopefully things will get better there. It was still aggravating and cost me precious work time because I had to deal with BS.

Second irritating thing today? I called SunTrust today about the record they have on my credit with Chex Systems that is preventing me from being on the plurrecords bank account with Twink. They flat out refused to remove it as a matter of policy. See, this is where it gets infuriating. The NSF was a mistake to begin with. I closed the account and some time after that, reunion.com hit the account and SunTrust honored it. When I got the NSF notice, I called SunTrust to find out why they honored it. They said the account was never closed. I went to the bank with paperwork showing it was closed and they removed the entries and took care of the problem. I thought that was it. But apparently, it was placed on Chex Systems anyway... and now they wont remove it. When I told them it was impeding my ability to open the other account... they suggested I find another bank. Who the fuck do they think they are telling me how to conduct my business and with whom I can conduct my business when I already handled everything with them!? Chex Systems can't remove it because it's not their data... it's SunTrust's. So now I have to go beg and plead with the new bank to get on the account... and there's no guarantee that I will get there... which means I wouldn't be able to be on the account until it falls off... which is 2 1/2 more years. Joy!

I plan to keep working this and if I don't get satisfaction I may file with the Fair Credit Reporting Bureau and claim unfair business practices. For SunTrust (who themselves say I owe nothing) to leave this on my credit, it is the same thing as them taking control over who I can and can not conduct business with. This is infuriating and it must be stopped.

Other than that... the day was pretty good, I guess. But those two things kinda tainted it. Luckily when I got home I was able to spin for about an hour and a half and did fairly well, actually. Looking forward to this weekend's party. At least I can end the week with something fun. :)

More Later

Let the good times roll

Yesterday was a really good day. Yes it was. Sunday night I had a cathartic event that pretty much adjusted my way of thinking about a lot of things. It was an important adjustment too because I was holding in a lot of pain that I wouldn't let go. When I was able to finally let that go... wow... I just asked myself why I held on to it for so long in the first place.

We hold on to pain for a lot of different reasons in our own minds. But in the end, there's really only one reason... it makes us right. It's classic victim mentality and it sucks for eveyone else around a victim. I'm very grateful for my friends that have stuck by me while I figured my shit out. Couldn't ask for better friends in the world.

Yesterday I was went to work and had a pretty good day. I didn't get a whole lot accomplished, but it didn't matter... my mood was much better that it has been in a long while.

Last night, while watching 24, I started talking with Jon again. Jon's the guy I mentioned a few posts back (the guy I hadn't talked to in a long time and closed my journal entry so that I could chat with him some). He's really sweet, honest, funloving, and understands the concept of personal freedoms. There's definitely a spark there... and I'm really glad that we were able to get back in touch with each other. He found me the other day because he was cleaning out an old hard drive of his and found a link to my old web site (heap many moons ago). When he found that the site was no longer around... he came looking for me and found me on myspace. :) I thought that was sweet. I never chat with anyone while wathing 24... it's always been something I focus on and would not divert my attention for anyone or anything.

As we were chatting, he mentioned complications... the fact that he's married. He started to go down a path that our renewed friendship was starting to feel like "cheating on his wife." Had to nip that in the bud right there. Told him straight up that I would never try to come between him and his wife. Whatever issues he has there he needs to deal with. If he asks for help or advice, I'll offer what I can as unbiased as I can. But I also told him that there was no reason to feel ashamed over having a friendship with me. I told him the reason he was feeling the way he was feeling was that there was something he was getting out of the friendship with me that he's not getting from his relationship with his wife. It's up to him whether he thinks that's a bad or a good thing... and if it's something he wants to change. I just think he's pretty cool and was happy to get back in touch with him.

Rob's been very cool with me too. This is a blessed change ot events, I can tell you that. There was one moment where we started to drag out something from the past... but we quickly saw that and stopped it before it escalated into bullshit. I was grateful for that! Yeah... I'm starting to get the hang of it, I guess. Better late than never. Some never do. Not saying I won't get stupid from time to time in the future... I think it's inevitable really... I think we all do. But at least having written some of this down, maybe ... if I keep my mind focused ... I'll be alright.

Well, I need to get ready for work. More later.

Monday, February 13, 2006

My Children

This journal entry is in my "family only" group. It's just too much to share with the rest of the world. It strikes the very core of me and right now... the only ones I can bear to share it with are those I feel a kinship with.

I wrote just a little while ago about what a beautiful day I just had yesterday. But nothing can compare to what just happened moments ago.

I went to Twink and Josh's for supper... a little confused... a little aggravated... mostly just tired. On my way, I sent a text to Twink saying I was on my way back. She texted back to me "back where?" So I called her. She had no idea that Josh had invited me over for dinner. After I hung up with her, I began to to my typical logicistical path down the winding road of "why". Why was he inviting me to dinner and not telling Twink? I know now that all the questions I had was me fighting my own jealousy.

I arrived to find that David and Josh had made dinner. They had invited a friend of theirs, Gene, to dinner as well. Once again the little twisted part of my brain starts producing thoughts like... Twink and Josh... coupled... David and Chris ... coupled... Gene and myself... uhm... singles from two different worlds. The twisted part of my brain began to whisper words saying that I was being mocked. I was being ridiculed in some way. That I would never be like they are. I would never have what they have. Gene felt uncomfortable... I could sense it. I was uncomfortable, too.

We had dinner... Taylor tried to cheer me up. She tried to make me feel wanted and loved... I'm convinced this little girl sees more than people give her credit for some times. I'll never know why she has such an attachment and fondness for me... but I'm so thankful for it. Her and Matt both. David has his moments... but he's also fourteen and trying to figure out his own self, his own independance, and going through biochemical changes that we all know are totures that even the most fiendish terrorists could not duplicate.

I had a couple of glasses of wine at dinner and it took me out of the general realm of control. I sill had motor functions but now the twisted parts of my head had room to work on me some more. I began to feel angry. I began to feel like a fixture and not like family. I knew well enough to not cause a scene and figured I should go... but my mouth is usually a dead give-away in cases like this... and tonight was no exception.

I told Twink and Josh thank you and that I needed to get home. Told them to have a good week and told Twink not to forget about this coming weekend. I then left very abruptly without giving hugs or even really proper good-byes... in short... I was being a dick.

On the way home, Twink questioned me via texts and a quick phone call asking what was wrong. I told her nothing. She knows better. She knows me way better than that... but she also knew I was shutting down and she wasn't going to get any more out of me. So she shut down, not wanting to deal with it. I don't blame her for that at all.

When I got home, Rob was up. I was not prepared to deal with him tonite. I was angry and I didn't even really know why. I told him to read the blog entry I had put up earlier and so he did. He came back out and apologized very well to me saying he didn't mean it the way I interpreted it... and I think he didn't even realize it was happening.

He tried to convince me that he IS interested in the music and impressed me by replaying what we had talked about the two tracks that I had tried to get him to listen to. He HAD been listening... I was just being an idiot.

Now here's where it went off the rails. He had my attention and we talked. I told him how angry I was at myself, at him, at everything. It felt like it was going to be the same old conversation again. But this time I felt a heat inside that wouldn't stop. A burning that I could not quench. The images I've had in my head, the visions, the remorse of my life's choices... had been boiling away all the fat I had layered into it and I had the cathartic moment of realization about why I'm so hard on myself. Why I can't seem to fit in. I started to cry and Rob held me... before I knew it I blurted it out... the core of what has been upsetting me... not that I gave up my birthright, my priviledge... not that I would never see a child with my eyes, nose, ears, etc. It was far more painful.

I shouted out, just barely. through my tears.. "I feel like I've murdered my own children before they were born!" This profundity hit me with the full force I had not experienced before. I suddenly didn't feel that burning inside. All the falseness, the selfish reasons, the self-centered reasons were gone and the real ugly truth appeared before me. To say I cried is an understatement. I was inconsolable. The very idea struck fear and loathing (no pun intended) in my heart and I just wanted to die... even though I know the natural order of life doesn't allow for that. It didn't change how I felt.

After a time, I calmed down enough to take Rob's suggestion to call Twink and talk to her about this... to get her perspective. She wasn't answering. Either she didn't hear the phone or didn't want to talk to me anymore last night. Upset, no doubt, that I could not share what was on my mind. But when tortured by thoughts that are so deeply guarded and protected by airs of principality and darkness... I was simply unale to explain any of this to her then... I know she WILL understand (in her own way) and I must apologize for my lack of trust. I am still growing and still learning, sis.

As I layed there on the bed... lost in my own thoughts about what I had done... considering unthinkable thoughts and behaviors... I heard a "thump, thump, thump" coming from upstaris and something inside me said to go sit at the piano. So, I walked up there and turned on the piano and began to play the sweetest yet most melancholy tune to ever come out. I closed my eyes and still it came, completely driven by something else. And as I closed my eyes... I saw them. A proud, handsome young man with short dark hair and piercing eyes, and a stunningly beautiful younger girl with incredible blonde tresses and an infectious smile with a twinkle in her eyes. They reached out and embraced me as the song became more empassioned and they told me it was okay. That they were sad... but that it was okay and they've been talking to me through the music for a long time... and they were so glad I finally heard them.

My motivation has been explained. My drive for the music in my heart and soul. Where it comes from and who it's for. It's from my children... the ones I'll never get to know in a physical sense... and it's for the world to hear. A peace like none other descended upon me as I finished the song. I began to understand Twink's role in this, Rob's role, V's role... everything played a part. I explained to Rob what had just happened.

He held me and cried with me. My hands are shaking as I write this. But now I know what pushes me forward to succeed even though there seems to be no earthly reason why. They're real. They exist. And they've never been far from my side... caring for me, watching over me and hoping once day that I would see them.

Every song I have is dedicated to those I never got the chance to meet. To my beautiful children... I devote my life to spending as much time with you in the music as I can. Together, we can make a difference. Nothing will drag me from this course. I love you with all my heart and every breath within me.


Sunday, February 12, 2006

Hmmm... From Night to Day...

So, yesterday I was supposed to go to this free concert with David and Chris.,.. however it got rained out. So, David said they were just gonna hang out over there instead and asked me to come. I said sure. This was at about 5 PM or so. Rob was home in bed asleep. I hadn't showered yet (was bein' lazy) and decided I should do that and make myself presentable (and less offending to the olfactory senses). Well, of course, this wakes up Rob and as I'm getting ready I can tell that he's agitated and wants to talk to me.

So I stop what I'm doing and ask him what he wants. He stammers a bit and eventually says he just wanted a hug. So... fine, that's cool.. I give him a hug. But for some reason, he continually acts as if I'm irritated with him offering me a hug... when really... I'm just irritated that I'm being interrupted in general. I was busy trying to get my hair done and get ready to go over to Twink's and he just gets too clingy with me when I'm in a "motivated mood." But then.. that's been one of our problems for the past 10 years... bad friggin' timing on both of our parts.

So now, he's upset thinking that I'm just thinking negative thoughts about him (which I wasn't at the time... it had been a while since I had seen him and it cool to see him again). I finish getting ready and go back up to the loft to finish burning a CD. I also had an issue at work that needed to be dealt with too.

So, I ask him to listen to a couple of tracks that I had recently ordered vinyl of online. He comes in, sits down and listens... but with the same distant stare that I always get which I've also seen before in other situations. I have come (in the many years together) to realize that it's the "I don't really care about this" stare. And once again, I feel stupid for trying to share something with him that gets me going and he shows no interest. So, I get through the other tracks quickly and figure I'll just say goodnight and head over to Twink's once the CD had finished burning.

No such luck. He decides to ask me if I wanted to go look at some bikes with him on Sunday... knowing full well that I'll probably be up all night Saturday night and may not be able to function Sunday to do much... which always bugs him when I'm that way... but it's not like he ever attends the things I'm interested in either.

I'm already in an "I don't care" mood now because of how he's reacted to me and has interpretted actions that weren't so. So I say, "I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow." To which he made the leap (in his already preturbed state that I didn't immediately see "his pain" and leap to assist him through it by telling him everything's okay) that apparently in his mind I meant that everyone else in my life was more important than him.

3 hours later...

I'm fed up. He's fed up. Again. We've dredged up more of the past and slung it in each others' faces, making accusations, defending positions, blah blah blah... and I just finally said I had to go. By that time, Twink had sent me a text saying "I guess you're not coming" because it was now past 9 pm. I don't blame her... I would have been there about two hours earlier otherwise. Plus, I had to blow off work and say I would take care of it today instead (which I did and it caused no grief since the clients weren't actively looking for the data that was delayed, anyway).

So I leave for Twink's pretty irritated. But I've learned to process it much more quickly and not let it continue to bother me any more because it's just counter productive to what I'm planning to do (which is have a good time) and no one really wants to hear it anyway, to be honest. I get there and find that David, his wife Chris, Josh, Twink and a friend of Josh's are already there... but only Twink is in the house... the rest of them are in the shed enjoying some goodies that David had... wheee!

So Twink and I start watching a movie that I had been wanting her to see... "What Dreams May Come." I highly suggest it to EVERYONE out there. About 30 minutes into the movie... chaos begins. People start filtering in, trying to figure out what's going on.. what we're watching and why. I realize pretty quickly what substance of choice had been selected for the evening's festivities... but I didn't know that EVERYONE already had a head start on me. I made the conscious decision to not join in in that respect... wanted to see how things worked from the other side for once. :) It was, for the most part, entertaining.

However, at one point, Josh's friend begins to get loud and boisterous while the kids are trying to sleep. This guy continues to ignore Twink's pleas for him to be quiet and in fact begins to disrespect her wishes in her own house... not to mention making some rather lewd comments indicating that he really just wanted to get laid that night and party... not deal with movies and sleeping children.

The night wore on and it got worse... up to the point where this guy had to be asked (firmly, several times) to leave... which he finally did. The rest of the night was pretty smooth... but I didn't see anyone other than David for the rest of the night. I guess they all thought I had left because I went to the shed with David (figured I could use a little pick-me-up of some kind, at least). David and I had a great talk too. I'm glad because I really like him as a friend and hope that we can continue that. I think we reached an understanding about each other that wasn't there before.

And that's when things turned wonderful. Twink's kids woke up. :) They came out and we watched the last part of Willy Wonka all cuddled up together. We played the "got your nose" game and had a couple of tickle fights and pile-ons as kids are want to do. I got them breakfast, gave Taylor her medicine... and we watched The Muppet Movie and continued to spend the day lounging around, playing and giggling. It was by far, the best part of the weekend, to be honest.

The day wore on and I really didn't want to leave. I've realized that I really want to be able to see a child or two or more grow up. On a daily basis. To see them learn, help them with their homework, teach them what's right and wrong... how to behave and how not to behave... help them through tough times at school with their peers... all the things a parent would do. The more I think about it... the farther away of a reality it seems... but the dream is a nice one. Sure, it's a lot of work... but nothing worth anything is ever easy.

I hope one day, maybe this little dream that everyone has will be realized. That I'll find someone who doesn't assume the worst of me... totally gets me... and I totally get them... and that we can build a life with children involved. But... time is running out. I'm 36... eventually, raising a child will be a ridiculous concept for my age... the age difference between parents is a hard one for kids to deal with ... I know... I went through that.

Anyway... I've been ordered to supper at Twink's. I guess I'll put the hamburger back in the fridge and get my happy ass back over there. More later. :)

Thursday, February 9, 2006

21 hours until Florida


I'm getting very frustrated with things here now. It seems like for every good thing that happens, about 3 bad things have to happen. I spent the day trying to get through meeting after fucking meeting (MAFM.... not quite like TAFT... but feels the same) so that I could get some actual work done. This was AFTER they rebuilt the application server I'm working on but BEFORE the database server is ready... and we get to the end of the day only to find out that no one had bothered to put the database client drivers on the application server... for those of you who don't know... you HAVE to have these drivers to access a database. And of course, no one was around with the drivers that had the permissions to install them by the time we figured this out. So... ANOTHER wasted day, basically. Wanted to shoot myself. And the MEETINGS... oh my god... people that don't know shit about shit trying to tell me how to migrate software I wrote in the first place... I swear I just wanted to say, "Good Luck with that" and walk out.

The only good thing that happened in the meeting was something funny the project manager said. The QA people in Denver were asking why the Orlando QA people couldn't help out with the migration efforts. The PM MEANT to say "Because they're supporting live production." What she said instead was "Because they're holding up production." I about fell out of my chair... had to grab my mouth or laugh out loud. It wasn't too far from the truth, after all.

I was going to go out tonight... but the wind and temperature changed my mind. It's fucking freezing up here now. I can't wait to get hoome to my blessed heat and humidity. I suppose I could eventually get used to this... but I miss Florida so much... those I consider friends and family are there... and I miss them so much.

On top of all this... I burned myself on the over door tonite. Probably will have a nice big scar on my arm too. I'm trying to keep it iced... but y'all know how that is... Me? Stay still long enough to heal? Hardly. I need a keeper.

I've been writing a lot of things in my journal lately about family, love, life, romance, friendship, etc. and a lot of it has had a melancholy and even dismal tone. I'm not feeling wretched folks. But every now and then I have to do some woolgathering and think out loud. That's what these things are for anyway, right? In addition, of course, to venting about stupidity and raising the roof about the good things. :)

So, don't worry too much about me. I'm appreciative of the concern and the love, don't get me wrong... but I'm not the basket case I sometimes make myself out to be. There's a fine line I guess... ya just gotta know how I communicate. :)

Anyway, a good friend that I've not talked to in a long time just signed on and he's waiting for me to chat with him. So, I'm gonna close this for now. I don't know if I'll be posting tomorrow or not. I doubt it, but we'll see.


A Rough Day

Yesterday was a pretty rough day. The day before was awesome so I guess it all balances out. Hopefully today will be somewhere in the middle.

Yesterday I walked in to a pile of shit. Not literally (I think I could have seen and avoided that.. but who knows with me) but vocationally. I get in, check my e-mail and there's an e-mail from my boss's boss saying that, basically, I've been a jack-ass. As I looked through the chain, I see that two people I consider to be my peers have taken it upon themselves to question some of the actions I have taken in Denver in order to move us forward toward our goal. Apparently since I didn't run it by them first, even though they had nothing to do with it, it wasn't right.

So, I had to go to the person that stated the mess and talk to her about it. I had to explain that she disrespected me and could have come and talked to me personally rather than go so far above my head that even my manager knew nothing about it. Whee.

Then, later, we find that the hardware we've been using for testing isn't appropriate for anything we're using it for. Joy. It has to be rebuilt. This means that the last two weeks have almost been a total waste of time. I could have done everything I did here in Orlando. Of course, I never would have had the chance to party with Twink in Denver or go to Vail, Colorado... but still, it's just frustrating.

On top of that... I don't know... this is hard. It is a sad state in one's life when one realizes that they've been pursuing something that just didn't matter. Even worse, when faced with what they were supposed to pursue... and realizing it's so far away that they may never catch up to it... it's like a knife through the heart. I'm not going to get into the details. They're far too personal. Suffice to say that I'm having a personal crisis of faith... faith in myself and what I've done to my life. I've put my faith in science and man. Not in family and love. In my heart, I have always been about family and love... but my actions would seem to indicate otherwise. All I can do and be now is someone who helps others see the truth and realize what's important in life. I can turn my sacrifice into something beautiful if I try. Maybe that's why I've been blessed with what seems to be no earthly worries and as many talents as I have been. To teach and inform. To reach out to those who are confused or lost and help show them the way back... before it's too late. To be an example. I know, some of you have no clue what I'm talking about... some of you do and think I'm being melodramatic. But I consider this to be of paramount importance. No greater love, style.

Well, I need to get to work. So I'll close this for now. More later.

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

Avalanche 5, Oilers 2

So... for those of you who can read my private entries (which better be nobody), you would know that I've been pretty damned empowered lately. Things in my life have been moving in a direction that are very good and they've been empowering me to do more, be more, etc.

Today, I went in to work and discovered that I've been the topic of conversation a lot lately. I've been considered to be an extremely valuable asset to FHMS and apparently someone they want to make sure hangs around. This was all manifested today in an invite that blew me away.

Early this morning while trying to help some of the folks learn the system, I got a call from my boss's boss asking me to join her tonite with a few others in going to dinner, drinks and a hockey game. I was flattered and said sure. Little did I know what I was in for.

This was a special event. Big Wigs from Marriott were in town. They were taking them out to wine and dine them and wanted to include me for all the hard work I've done while I've been here. Not only did we go to the game, we were in First Horizon's private box. Fucking awesome seats! On several occasions, my name was brought up and I was touted as being in the forefront of the company's move towards more client-driven systems. I had nothing to do with this... it was Marriott and FHMS both that were blowing my horn. I was floored! It completely put me in a new position. I felt wanted. Needed. Appreciated. Much different than Orlando. I felt empowered and motivated to do just that much more. But not for the reasons they think.

My motivation has been solely based on my drive to be able to provide for the people I care about. To build a family that is cared for, provided for... and that cares and provides for me. The fact that FHMS is willing to give me the opportunity to make that happen is fucking brilliant! Between this, building my own company and working on my own music... I know I can be the person I was meant to be. Understand that nothing will ever come between me and those that I consider to be family. But from the way FHMS talks, this could be the sweetest thing in the world for everyone involved.

I must weigh things carefully tho. Too often in the past I have let the crap of this world entertain me into a slumber that made me think I was getting somewhere. But I was still lonely. No one to share this with makes all of this worth nothing. That will not happen again... EVER. I will do whatever it takes to prove to those that I care about that I'm for real; that what I say means something and always will. I've been afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of losing everything. That fear is gone. I know now that no matter what I do in life, as long as my love for those I care about is in the forefront and that I maintain a balance between work and home... things will be perfect.

There is so much to say and right now I'm too overwhelmed and too tired from all the activity tonight to say it. I'm signing off and hitting the sack. I need some sleep. :)


Monday, February 6, 2006

A Stellar Day

It's funny when you think you have clarity and then find out you didn't. It's beautiful actually. That happened to me today. It was as if a light finally switched on somewhere in my brain that had been turned off, and the switch had been glued, nailed and cemented over.

It was so intoxicating, so moving, so driving, empowering, motivating that I couldn't focus on anything else other than the truth that had been illuminated. I am in love. For the first time in my life, I am 100% completely head-over-heels, give 100% of everything I am, fully acceptant, out-of-this-world, phenomenally and as many other adjective and adverbs as you can come up with... in love. So in love that if the object of my love can not reciprocate that, it's still okay. It's not a crush, a fantasy, a wild-hare, lust, infatuation, or anything so physically driven that it doesn't matter. It's a pure, unadulterated, "holy fuck how do we keep this going" love. It's a love that doesn't require a committment, because it's already there. It's a love that doesn't require work, because it already exists. It's a love that doesn't even require physical intimacy... because it transcends that. It's a love that doesn't need to be justified, explained or reasoned... because those that require such reasons don't understand it and may never will. It's a love so overpowering, that I'm willing to give IT control, and give myself the backseat. And in turn, it takes me where I want to go, where I need to go.

I was so empowered, I worked harder and smarter than I have in years. I was accomplishing things I set out to do with a passion and a drive I've not felt for even longer. Knowing that love exists, seeing it for what it is and finally letting it govern my path... has made all the difference today and will continue to do so for as long as I live. No matter what happens or how things turn out.

I had a good talk with one of the VPs of First Horizon today. I was honest with her and she was honest with me. We talked about what's wrong in Orlando, what can be changed, and I impressed upon her how on board I am with making things work for everyone. That I'm, "In The House" so to speak.

I also had a chat with Ansley today about her situation. It was funny, one thing she mentioned ... I won't divulge information of a private chat between her and I but this part I can. She had said at one point, in reference to the government telling people what they can and can not do... "Separation of Church and State people!" To which I responded, "You know what, if they want each other so badly... they can have each other. They're two oppressive organizations all about control. Seems like a good match to me. Maybe they'll fight over control and knock each other out. How about separation of THEM and US."

I've had a fucking awesome day. I hope that everyone else has too. I really want everyone to feel this way. It's the difference between life and death, I swear on all I hold dear. More Later.


Sunday, February 5, 2006

How I spent my Winter Vacation

Yeah, okay, it's a dumb title.. a little dorky. But I couldn't think of anything else so sue me, but it is sorta what I'm writing about. This past week and weekend was one the most wonderful times of my life. I'll remember this one without a doubt. I put Twink on a plane about 2 hours ago. I held it together until I got to the elevators... then I fell apart. I'm really gonna miss her this week. It'll be so good to see her again on Friday.

Friday night, we looked and looked for something to do... but couldn't really find anything. The clubs were filling up with HipHop and House crowds... not our cup-o-tea. So we just wandered around Denver... driving around looking at the houses. There are some beautiful houses up here... quaint ones, majestic ones, homey ones... we talked and shared feelings about life, men, work, music, etc. Then came back to the hotel and assed out.

Saturday, we went up to Vail, Colorado. Driving through the Rockies was so impressive! The scenery just blew us away. Every time we turned around another bend, another incredible sight was there to witness. It was beyond words, to be honest. We were going to go to where I-70 and the Continental Divide meet and get pictures there, make a snowman, and just have fun. But we couldn't figure out where that was. So we ended up in Vail. Vail is beautiful. We went up in the gondola up to the top of the mountain. We had an extremely overpriced lunch there (which I'm sure Twink will fill y'all in on.. I told her to take a picture of the place and let people know how much it sucked). We threw some snowballs at each other and just generally enjoyed the view. Then back down the mountain and back to Denver.

It was Saturday night that made the trip. We talked about things that had been on both of our minds for a long time. Things that were really, REALLY important. Some of them were things that were bothering us, some of them were hopes, dreams, aspirations... true open honest feelings... all without the need for anything mind or mood altering. I know that she and I will be friends until the end and beyond. I know we've been that way since before the beginning. I can't explain how I know... I just do.

I have a task ahead of me that I am not looking forward to. But it's past time I handled it. She's helped me prepare for it, strengthen myself for it, and has helped me find the assurance that it will be alright. I'll write more about it as it unfolds. I know I'll need to vent and cry and to keep a record of how I'm feeling... so I never forget... and never find myself in the same position again... not in this life or any thereafter.

That's about it for now. Twink, thank you... from not just the bottom of my heart... but from all of it. I won't forget. I won't falter. I will survive.


Friday, February 3, 2006

Let the weekend begin!

So last night we didn't do much. After work, we were invited to dinner with one of the VPs and the director of my department. Went to a place called Earl's... $30 Filet Mignons... DAMN good food... all expensed. :) Wheee! After that, Twink and I went shopping to find long johns, gloves, some board games, and whatnot. Came back to the hotel and played a couple games of Scrabble. Nice, relaxing, no rush, no agenda evening.

Tonight, we're goin' out! I really wish I had some kandi with me tho, in the event I meet some other cool kandi kids out here. Not sure where we're goin' yet but we'll figure it out. Tomorrow is the Great Continental Divide... :) Gonna go check that out and probably more craziness that evening. Probably won't sleep much that evening either. Sunday will be the sad day. Her flight leaves at 8 in the morning. That means an entire day off without her around. :( I'll probably cry, knowing me. She totally made my week by coming up here. I'm glad she came... and it will be great to see her again when I get back.

Work has been good. I've met some cool music-lovers in the office and even a musician like myself. The office environment here is much better but I've heard some things about the acquisition that bother me. I don't know what the future holds yet and it's stupid for me to assume one thing or another... just gotta be prepared for anything, I guess, right?

So far, this has been a great week and the next 40 hours will be a lot of fun, I'm sure. But then I have an entire week to deal with alone. BLAH! Gotta find something to keep me busy when I'm not working... and I'm not going to work myself to death either... although I guess that's an option for keeping me busy... if I could just get into the actual work more. It's become tedious to me. The artistry of putting the plan together is more appealing than the actual grunt-work of doing it. Bleh. Whatever. I'm just bitching now.

Not much else I want to say at the moment. Got plenty on my mind but nothing else that I really want to talk about here. So until next time, biotches... peace.

Thursday, February 2, 2006

My Own Private Hell

Gonna keep this entry private for now. I'm having mixed feelings about having Twink here now. I love her to death, but it's just weird. I love her probably a little too much and having her... basically in my home every day I "come home from work" for the next couple of days is like a dream come true until I realize that it's just a dream. And dreams are transient. People eventually wake up from dreams. When will I wake up from mine? The obvious answer to that is, when I choose to stop doing what I'm doing to push myself deeper into the dream.

Last night, she seemed to shut down after the club. The party was over. Now there was nothing but going back to the hotel and assing out. It's weird how I feel her get close to me and then pull away at just the right moment to make me feel like shit... like I've gone too far. Like I've tried to get too familliar. Sometimes she really opens up, and other times she goes dark. It's the odd timing of each event that puts me into a tizzy.

When we got back from the club, I had promised Rob that I would call him. Twink was getting irritated about something and when I tried to help her she just "ordered" me to go back and talk to Rob. After that, I didn't feel like talking to him. I wanted to see what was up. So I told him I was tired and would call him later. Then I go back into the room and she's crawled into bed, put her MP3 player on (which I can still hear playing as I write this) and assed out. Maybe she was tired. Maybe she just didn't want to talk. Maybe she was irritated. Maybe she was being purposefully distant. But after that I didn't want to talk to anyone... couldn't sleep either... and didn't want to be there.

I don't dare ask the question as to what was up last night because I know the practiced answer I'll get. It's squarely an issue of my own to deal with. Co-dependency. Needing someone else. Someone in my life that "means something to me" more than anyone else. Why can't that person be me? Why do I feel the need for that intimacy? Maybe because I had it at one time and now that I feel like it's gone I want it back... but this time with someone that I really care about and who really cares about me.

Of course, they say that the moment you stop looking for it, it falls in your lap. And maybe that's my problem. Maybe I just need to get over both Rob and Twink... and Mouse and V and everyone else and just be me, whoever that is, and see who takes notice. Maybe Denver would be a good thing. How do I keep myself in the foreground? I've spent so much of my life in the service of others... I don't know how to be good to me. And it would seem that no-one else really knows how to do that... at least no one in my inner circle.

I think part of my issue here is all the plans Twink and I have made for the future. She wants her and I to take her kids to the Grand Canyon (or some place cool like that) some time. She's looking forward to working together at plurrecords and all the events. She's the one who possibly got us gigs in Denver whenever we want. So... my question is... if she's that interested in doing all these things with me... why isn't she that interested in taking things to the next level with me? Everyone around me seems to see how good we are togehter. What is she getting out of the relationship with Josh that she wouldn't do them with him. Maybe she needs to see what life would be like if I wasn't around. What would she do if I wasn't available to do these things with her... if I actually got a life. I can't wait around forever for anyone. I think that's what this is coming down to. Waiting. Waiting for someone to take notice of all the attention I've given them and to say, "You know, this is a good thing. We're good to each other. Let's take it further."

Wow, I think this is the most honest I've been with myself in a long time. It's a good thing. It's a bit empowering. I think I'll go to the office today and kick some ass and take some names. It's better than trying to figure out why no one is interested enough to show enough interest. Some people are showing some interest in me in other ways (namely FHMS). Maybe it's time I shook the sand of Florida off my shoes and washed them with some snow from the mountains.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be friends with everyone as I am now. But I need to put the barriers up again. The barriers I had built around myself that didn't allow people in very far. If no one else is willing to drop those barriers with me, why should I?

The Snake Pit

Well, last night was the shit. :) We left here at about 8:30 p.m. Denver time. I had to find a hoodie because the coat I brought, albeit warm, just didn't look right for a club. Twink says it's just not me, period... but like I said... it's warm and it serves a function. So I got a gray hoodie, got smokes and another lighter (because we only had one between the two of us), and headed downtown. After getting lost a couple of times, we finally made it to the club at around 10 p.m.

It was called "The Snake Pit." Neither of us had a really good feeling about it to start with. There wasn't anyone there yet, really, and the music was pretty housey. We were afraid we had made a mistake. But we decided to stick it out and see what would happen. I'm glad we did. As the night went on, more people started to show up, the alcohol started to flow more freely, and the music started getting a little better.

Then, shortly after we had decided that the next drink would be our last one... someone asked me if Twink needed to be on the dance floor because she looked like she could dance. Heh. We told him to play some breaks. So he got the DJ to switch to breaks!! We started chatting with DJ and got to know him (Dee Jay Diabolic) and talked to him about getting booked here. He said to send him a demo and 2 weeks advance notice and they'd put us on the flyer. He was completely down for getting some funky Florida sound in the house. :)

So, in typical Twink and Jenna fashion, we closed the place. :) Headed back to the hotel and assed out. Luckily I had found a 7-11 earlier and they had Wild Berry BooKoo. I bought 4 of them. I figure I'm gonna need them this week. :) Up and at 'em this morning, getting ready for work. If last night was the pre-show... the rest of the week is gonna be killer. :)

Wednesday, February 1, 2006


Well, she got here about 9 hours ago. Her flight landed early so we were able to get in, get her bag and get out quick. That was good. Better than being late. Planning to go out probably every night while she's here and hopefully hit a park on Saturday.

I asked my boss here in Denver about relocation. I'm not saying I'm gonna do it... it all depends on how the dice fall. I would miss my home in Florida so much... but it might be a great opportunity too. Not career-wise but rather, financially. Depending on what I can stand living in here and how much they'd be willing to pay me to relocate, it might be worth it. I'm thinking about it, that's all.

It's a hard decision. One that requires a lot of thought once I have all the facts. No sense in getting all bent out of shape about it now. Given the news I got yesterday, though... I felt it was prudent to at least ask about it. Life would be very different. Who knows, maybe I could bring some old school funky Florida breaks to the mountains. :)

It means being away from the people I love for a very long time. I might be able to get back and forth on certain weekends though... who knows. I gotta think about it.

Anyway... gettin' ready to eat. Will fill ya in on our night's excursion later.

She's on her way

Just got a text message from Twink. She's in DC and on the second plane now, headed for Denver. Yay! I guess she barely made the flight out of Orlando and I know the connecting flight was shortly after the first one so she's had to hustle all morning. I'm sure she'll be glad to not have to deal with that for a while. I have about 45 minutes before I have to be at the office (which is 5 minutes walking distance). They're going to let me go pick her up which I think is awesome. It's the least they can do for me agreeing to stay here longer.

So far, this has been a good day. :) I hope I can get through some of the bullshit this morning and get some work done before I have to go pick her up. That would be nice. More later.


It's 5:20 a.m local time. Twink will be here in 5 hours and 22 minutes. :D I'm so excited she's coming! This will be our second out-of-state vacation together... yeah, it's not a complete vacation for me... but the last one wasn't really a complete vacation for her either... so it all pans out. :) I know that when I'm not at the office, we'll have fun. :) She's already been looking up things to do in Denver. I know that whatever we end up doing, we'll have fun. I hope she acclimates to this climate better than I have, though. I am SO ready for Florida humidity again! This climate is just killing me (when will the nose-bleeds stop?).

Rob called me a couple of times yesterday. He misses me. I miss him too, but I'm having problems reconciling everything that has happened. I know he cares about me and I know he's trying. But is it enough to get past everything we've been through? I don't know. It's hard to look at him and not think about the past. Worse yet, it's hard to look at him and think about the future. Something tells me that should be a big indicator right there, shouldn't it? He's made some strides, he really has. But if I can't get over it, am I fooling myself into thinking I'll ever be happy with the situation? What is it going to take to recover from all the shit we've done to each other? Something mindboggling, I think. A sacrifice of great import, I think. I feel like I have sacrificed quite a bit for him and for us. I believe he feels that the fact that he's going to school and work, sacrificing his time to make a better life for himself is in turn sacrificing his time for us since he plans to use his new knowledge to make life better for us. But, will that happen? Can I wait another 15 months (the time he has left in school) to find out?

He said yesterday that maybe being apart like this for a few days will be good for us; that it will help us "miss each other." To be honest, I haven't thought about him hardly at all. That makes me sad. Sad for me, sad for him and sad for us. So what do I want out of life? Pretty simple:

  1. Share my life with someone and share in their life. Someone that I just can't wait to see every moment of every day. Someone who will share in my dreams and I can share in theirs. Common interests, common goals.
  2. Raise children. Bringing them up into the world, teaching them to cope and be more than I am. To excel, prosper, and live in peace; to enjoy the trip on the planet. I want to know that something of myself can go on, and share the ideas I have of PLUR even farther than I can reach.
  3. Follow my dreams. Ones that take me to the point where I can share my music with the world and hopefully touch some of it with my gifts.
  4. To never let anything get in the way of these goals, even the goals themselves. To keep it all balanced so that no one thing in my life ever takes away from or overpowers anything else in my life. But my first priority will always be to my family, whomever that may end up being.

I don't know that I can have that with Rob. I've already seen him become jealous of the music and my friends. I've seen it happen at least twice, actually... I was reminded recently by an old friend that I hooked up with again about how it happened when I used to hang out with them. I turned my back on them to give Rob more of my time and my life. I feel now that that was a mistake. I feel that he should have known that he was the most important thing to me in my life and that he could've trusted me. But maybe he never has really trusted me.

I don't know. But I can't try to figure it out here, right now. I have to get ready for work. 4 hours and 54 minutes until Twink's here. :) More later.