Thursday, August 30, 2007

Public Symphony

So I was looking into this thing called the Radar Festival where you can enter a contest for producing a video to music provided by various artists. While digging in to that, I found about a group called Public Symphony. From what I can tell, they're brand new with only one album. I like their style and vocalizations. You can listen to their entire album and see some of their videos for free on their website. Check 'em out. :)


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Dogs vs. Cats


So, I was just outside having a smoke with some co-workers (all men) and they were discussing the benefits of dogs. After listening to them tout how wonderful dogs are I piped up with "Yeah, but dogs are high maintenance." This came as a huge surprise that I would say this and they began to explain why a dog isn't such. But each of their reasons fell through when confronted with my infallible retorts.

I said that dogs were high maintenance because they were always in your business and could not entertain themselves. You have to entertain them. They replied that that's not true because dogs like to just lie there while you're there and be happy doing that. Okay... but how is that taking care of itself?

Think about it. You have to train a dog. They have to be taught to go to the door, scratch at the door, etc. when they need to go out and take a shit, otherwise they'll just crap all over the place. Cats don't require training and, in fact, they tend to ignore any training anyway. With a cat, you just show it the litter box and it says, "Oh okay, cool."

In order for a dog to be active, you have to pay attention to it. Otherwise it will sit there doing nothing but shedding, sneezing, farting, etc. It won't be sleeping, it will just be ... uhm... bored. You have to get it to do something. Cats, on the other hand, are much more independent and can entertain themselves. When they're not moving, they're asleep (or dead). Otherwise, they have places to be, bugs to catch, flowers to eat, furniture to scratch, etc. Now, if you can't let a cat be a cat and have to control what it does, then to you I can see where a cat would be considered "high maintenance." But that's really because you yourself are high maintenance too and require everything to be a particular way all the time. OCD anyone?

Yeah, this is one of those debates that will continue throughout eternity due to a little thing called "preference"... but personally I don't think the cats or dogs really give a shit what we think about them provided we don't piss in their rice bowls.

For those of you not into cats OR dogs... you're the smart ones. Snakes, ferrets, birds, hamsters, fish, etc. are all great pets in my opinion. Cat and Dog people find those pet choices interesting, ask questions and actually begin to learn something rather than fight over what's better... a cat or a dog. I am curious why there wasn't a Schrödinger's Dog though... or why Pavlov didn't try his act with Cats. Male dominated world, perhaps? Put the cat in the box with the radioactive substance and teach the dog to do what man wants it to do when it rings the bell. Oooh... then again, maybe those are machinations of the female mind... the destruction of independent thinkers and the subjugation and training of dumb animals.

Yes, I've managed to piss them all off now and therefore my work here is done. Have a nice debate. Toodles!

Peace (Or Not),

Myths, Legends, Faith and Other Stuff

So, okay... apparently I'm just a fool in a fog. I'm beginning to accept that, be happy about it and not give a shit about whether what I believe is true or not. Why? Results.

When I compare the results of my life's works based on where I've stored my beliefs at each various point in my life, I see major differences. Yes, it's true that when I have held the belief that the world was in God's hands and that the final victory over evil, sin, corruption is promised and that we need not worry about that, I have always managed to lead a happy, fruitful and productive life. When I have questioned those beliefs, my life has been in disarray, confused and filled with feelings of hopelessness.

So, does this mean that I can't function without a belief structure of some kind? Can I not believe in myself? It seems that when I let God handle the shit I can't handle and I handle the things he/she/it gives to me to handle, things seem to work out better. My mother, who reads my journal every day, is probably grinning from ear-to-ear right now and making exclamations similar to "Well it's about time!" or "It took her this long?" or "I tried to tell her that." right now.

Some would label it as a fruitless search for something one already had. Whee! Where's my tail, where's my tail?! Yeah well, it's only fruitless if we don't learn anything. We only go on the journey when something doesn't add up.

I'll try to explain. Let's assume there's a culture that believes that chairs made from wood and metal are good but chairs with no structure, like bean bags are bad. Those bean bags may be comfortable, but they make you lazy. Yet this same culture says beds are good ... even though they're comfortable and make you lazy.

Now, Little One grows up in this culture and learns what his culture tells him. He accepts what he's learned based on his admiration for those that have taught him and how their lives are filled with joy, prosperity and peace. He grows up with these structures in place. He then goes out into the world where there are other cultures that believe differently.

To some, who have no opinion, he is able to share and explain how he feels and they accept it and follow what he teaches. Then one day, he meets a new culture that sits around on bean bags but aren't lazy at all. They sleep wherever they want, including the floor, and are quite comfortable to do so. But he recognizes the same joy in their lives as what he has in his own life. How can this be? They don't follow the rules!!

And so, a crisis of faith begins. He begins to question the rules and begins to "try out" this new way of thinking. He discovers that sitting in bean bags is fun and lying on the floor can be very comfortable. Suddenly the idea of sitting on a hard chair makes no sense to him. And why bother with a bed when the floor is right there? But now he is at odds with his teachings. They will not go away, after all, they are part of who he is. Soon, he begins to notice that sometimes he is lazy in the bean bag and sometimes he is not. Oof. This is really making no sense for Little One now. Everything seems to be topsy-turvy and confusing. Is there nothing that is sacred anymore? Are both cultures wrong? What is Little One to believe in now?

This is the moment where Little One either begins to realize the commonalities in the stories told by both cultures, or gives up on ever reconciling the two. It has nothing to do with chairs or beds. It's "this is how we do it and it works pretty good for us." Neither culture cared to confuse Little One. They simply tried to share their ways with him that he might understand them.

Now, when one culture can view another culture and see the commonalities in their beliefs without judging each other as "wrong" for their beliefs, that will be the day when true unity can be achieved. But until then, the culture wars will continue to thrive until enough of the shell has been thrown away and we can all see the same thing in each other. I pray fervently for that day. Until then, I'll do what works for me and those I care about. See every part of me... not just the part that you like or don't like. See the whole, and you'll see me. With the next song, feel free to replace the word God and any gender references with whatever it is you believe in.

The Destination Is There - Carman

Verse 1:
You've felt in your spirit
God's shown you something new
Something no-one else has thought of
But only you can do
But just as your desire grew
You got a little depressed
'Cause you found no destination
For your dreams to manifest

Your desire is the confirmation the destination is there
God wouldn't put it in your spirit if it wasn't going nowhere
(okay, bad grammar but I know what he's saying)
So set your sights on the promises and don't you be scared
For your desire is the confirmation the destination is there

Verse 2:
His vision's for a certain hour
I know it won't be late
His promises will strengthen you
If only you will wait
Don't follow someone else's dreams
Keep your own in sight
For the vision that God gives you
Will keep you all your life


Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Spreadin' Velveeta

Well, I must be feeling better now... I've gone straight to full blown CHEESE in my music choice for this afternoon. Yes... Captain & Tennille. Daryl Dragon and Toni Tennille singing such hits as "Love Will Keep Us Together," "Shop Around," and "Muskrat Love." Although I think I might be getting a little musically lactose intolerant because I can't take as much as I used to.

No worries though, at least I'm not drowning in the sea of "What does it all mean, anyway?" anymore. Gonna try to stay away from that particular body of water for as long as possible. The currents are strong and can pull ya right out into the middle of the whirlpool quickly if you're not careful.

Wow... now I'm listening to Afternoon Delight by Starland Vocal Band... what's on my mind? I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count. :-P Yeah, and then follow that up with "Boogie Oogie Oogie" by A Taste of Honey. Damn... it's only August... I'm thinking a 70's or 80's themed party for Halloween is in order, now. Or maybe for my birthday... that's only a month away, after all. Hmmm. Gawd... an 80s night... heh... pure FUN! Yeah, I'm beginning to turn into a Cheeto now... hmmm... reminds me of the "Human Cheeto Project" that Rob Garvey and I were working on years ago. Unfortunately, it never got off the ground. Might be time to revisit that idea.

Ramblings aside, I'm feelin' good. That's never a good sign for the future. LOL.


Love Takes Time

Love Takes Time by Bryan Duncan

Bryan Duncan - Love Takes Time

Oh, have you ever been lied to?
Maybe mistreated
Taken for granted
'Til you just can't stand it?
Were you ever mistaken?
Thought to be someone
That you just can't be?
So, where's the love you need?

(Love takes time
Please be kind
See every part of me)
Cause I wanna be loved!
(Love ain't blind
Ties that bind
Take on eternity)

Oh, would you like to be trusted
Well, for once in your life?
Carry that fire
Without burnin' each other
Are you easily angry
Oh, can you bury your pride
Could you ever forgive me
And not keep it inside??

(Love takes time
Please be kind
See every part of me)
Cause I wanna be loved!
(Love ain't blind
Ties that bind
Take on eternity)
Cause I wanna be loved!
(Love takes time
Please be kind
See every part of me)
Oh, yeah!
(Love ain't blind
Ties that bind
Take on eternity)

Hey! make a sacrifice sometimes
Maybe more than you planned
Don't you hate to go through
The pain it takes to make a stand
A hardened heart or a heartache
To admit that you're wrong
And though it's hard
It hardly matters if that love is gone
Make a sacrifice sometimes!

(Love takes time
Please be kind
See every part of me)
Cause I wanna be loved!
(Love ain't blind
Ties that bind
Take on eternity, on eternity)
(Love takes time
Please be kind
See every part of me, every part of me)
(Love ain't blind
Ties that bind
Take on eternity, on eternity
Love takes time
Please be kind)
Please be kind!
(See every part of me)

Monday, August 27, 2007

Meltdown (at Madame Tussaud's)

Meltdown (at Madame Tussaud's) by Steve Taylor

Meltdown at Madame Tussaud's--the queen is losing face
meltdown at Madame Tussaud's--a national disgrace
it's the middle of the night at the London shrine
could have been the janitor, could have been divine
someone said the thermostat never did work
now we've got the temperature going berserk

Meltdown at Madame Tussaud's--the queen is losing face
meltdown at Madame Tussaud's--a national disgrace
celebrities, statesmen, history's elite
they're dripping in the hallways, they're starting to secrete
they're pouring out the pores, they're shrinking on the spot
someone take a photograph--get 'em while they're hot

Meltdown at Madame Tussaud's--the president looks alarmed
meltdown at Madame Tussaud's--a general's been disarmed
feverish at Fleet Street--story of the year
"Get the Facts--House of Wax Photo Souvenir"
"Shameful" Says the Times. "Maybe Done By Vandals"
panic on Wall Street--put your stock in candles

I thought I heard a ghost say
"had my hands in my pockets on the Judgment Day
nobody told me there's fire in the hole
had the world by the tail but I lost my soul"

Meltdown at Madame Tussaud's--a rock & roll hotel
meltdown at Madame Tussaud's--they're blending very well
Elvis and the Beatles have seen a better day
better off to burn out than to melt away
Dylan may be fillin' the puddle they designed
is it gonna take a miracle to make up his mind?

Meltdown at Madame Tussaud's--athletes on the floor
meltdown at Madame Tussaud's--they're running out the door
bad boy McEnroe couldn't keep his cool
now he's with the rest of 'em, wading in the pool
"Howard Hughes--Billionaire" says the written guide
pity that his assets have all been liquefied

"Celebrity status only got in the way
had my hands in my pockets on the Judgment Day
you can't take it with you--there's fire in the hole
had the world by the tail but I lost my soul"

Meltdown at Madame Tussaud's--the queen is losing face
meltdown at Madame Tussaud's--a national disgrace
down in the dungeon--the Chamber of Horrors
look at all the criminals soften to the cores
they're mixing with the head of state floating down the lane
good, bad, there they go down the same drain.

-- the Madame

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Interpret This

I stole this from a lyrics site. I was listening to DJ Tiësto, In My Memory, this morning on the way in to work and this song came on. It's a very pretty song with a lot of heartfelt longing, emotion, feeling, etc. There are a couple of ways to interpret this song.

1. Sad, Whiny, Emo. It's about someone who can't be enough for themselves. The storyteller tells about how none of the time she's spent in her life has been well spent and all the moments in her life are just adding up to a pile of pictures with no one to share the memories with. It's truly sad in that respect but also extremely infuriating that she can't see what's right in front of her. She's standing close to someone who isn't moving away. This person isn't asking for anything other than to share the moments together and yet she still can't be happy because she doesn't feel alive. What's it going to take? What does it take to "feel alive?"

2. Thankful, Happy, Peaceful. The storyteller describes what her life's been like and how getting wrapped up in emotions feels great and all but eventually it fades and the rollercoaster comes crashing down again. Looking back, she wonders if that time was really "well spent" or not. Now, she's just thankful to be standing close to someone that isn't moving away but isn't moving closer either. The fact that she doesn't feel that alive anymore isn't a complaint... it's a sigh of relief. She's saying she likes the idea that love isn't the answer... SHE is the answer.

Interpretation and Perception is, once again, the key and it is usually driven based on how we're feeling at the moment. Oh yes. So in the same way that drugs and alcohol amplify our moods, so does music... it's a wonderdrug. Being able to step back and look at the many different ways something can be interpreted allows us to find the interpretation that works best for us based on what our ultimate goals are. If you want to wallow in a sea of self-pity and get nothing accomplished in your life, pick the first interpretation. If you want to be happy, feel at peace and complete so that you can move on... pick the second one. Got another interpretation? Add it here. I'd like to hear it.


I wouldn't call it time well spent
Repeating to myself again
Find comfort in an endless stream of moments
I don't even care, about the way I feel today
Because it changes anyway
Something will make me cry or smile
Another picture on my pile

Now I'm standing close to you
It's just something that I do
When I need love to be enough
I wish love could be enough
'cause there is nothing more appealing
Than the thought that I could be enough

Do you find solace in the sun?
Do you consider life as one?
Do you believe there is a limit
To how fast a man can run?
Someone said you're born alive
Well I don't feel that alive

No I don't feel that alive

I don't feel that alive

Now I'm standing close to you
It's just something that I do
When I need love to be enough
I wish love could be enough

'cause there is nothing more appealing
Than the thought that I could be enough...enough

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

My answer to the Dignified ones...


Much thanks to Jose for sharing that one! Want more? Go to


When it Rains ... It Pours

Looks like I'm gonna be buying their latest album. Here's the lyrics to a song I'm stuck on right now. If you wanna hear the song, you can listen to it on You might have to install their player for it to work. Here's the link:

Come On by Take 6

Take 6 - Come On

There used to be a time when i would blame somebody else
For everything that happened to me (happened to me)
Nothing ever happened 'til i turned and asked myself i said, "self, (self)
What’s wrong me?" (what's your deal?)

I can't help it (oh no), i can't fight it (i can't fight it), don't want to hide it (cant' hide it)
The problem seems to be me (it looks like)
Then i remembered what the good book said
To really live you got to be dead
So i asked for help, died to self
And i've got the victory

Come on everybody
We're just getting’ started
Rockin' the party
‘cause we got the victory

Come on everybody
We're dancin' to glory
Rockin' the party
‘cause we got the victory

Thought i knew it all always teachin' somebody else
Like the perfect one was me, myself, and i
When it fell apart i was standing all by myself and i found the answer
To the question why

I can't help it, i can't fight it, don't want to hide it
The problem seems to be me
Then i remembered what the good book said
To really live you got to be dead
So i asked for help, died to self
And i've got the victory

Come on everybody
We're just getting’ started
Rockin' the party
‘cause we got the victory

Come on everybody
We're dancin' to glory
Rockin' the party
‘cause we got the victory

This life is a journey, the process of learning
That god is the answer and love is the key
The prize is waiting for you and for me
Let’s cross the finish line and claim the victory

Come on everybody
We're just getting’ started
Rockin' the party
‘cause we got the victory

Come on everybody
We're dancin' to glory
Rockin' the party
‘cause we got the victory

Anybody wanna win?
Say yeah
It's a victory party
‘cause i know i got the victory!

Come on everybody
We're just getting’ started
Rockin' the party
‘cause we got the victory

Come on everybody
We're dancin' to glory
Rockin' the party
‘cause we got the victory



Monday, August 20, 2007

Time Of Our Lives

I logged on to Napster today and checked out something I've not looked at in their service yet. It's a playlist generated with tracks similar to ones that I've bought or have registered within my library. Here's the playlist:

1. High On Life - DJ Encore
2. Waiting - Shiny Toy Guns
3. Summer Sun [Ibiza Mix] - 4 Strings
4. Destroy Everything You Touch - Ladytron
5. Time and Time Again - Fragma
6. Castles In The Sky (Extended Mix) [feat. Marsha] - Ian Van Dahl
7. Listen To Your Heart (Edmee's Unplugged Vocal Edit) [featuring Edmee] - D.H.T.
8. Time Of Our Lives - Paul Van Dyk
9. Autobahn (Remix) - Kraftwerk
10. Why [Radio Edit] - Sonique
11. Just Be - Tiësto
12. Children - Robert Miles
13. The Force Of Gravity (Tiësto Remix) - BT
14. Yesterday - Lasgo
15. Movin Up (Junior Vasquez Remix) - DJ Mike Cruz

I already know a lot of these, some of them I don't. I really liked the one by Shiny Toy Guns and will probably look up more of their stuff after the playlist is done. Anyway, Time of Our Lives just started up and well, it just spoke to me again and I thought I would share it.

Paul Van Dyk - Time Of Our Lives

There's a time for us to let go
There's a time for holding on
A time to speak, a time to listen
There's a time for us to grow.
There's a time for laying low down
There's a time for getting high
A time for peace, a time for fighting
A time to live, a time to die

A time to scream, a time for silence
A time for truth against the lie
A time for faith, a time for science
There's a time for us to shine

There's a time for mixed believing
There's a time to understand
A time for hurt, a time for healing
A time to run, and make a stand

This is the time
Of our lives...

A down day

I'm beginning to think I should start fighting fire with since water seems to be ineffectual right now. As soon as the water dries up, the fire just starts up again.

I've said before that sometimes it feels like "opposite day" is still going on, no matter what I try to do to put things right. So, I think there's only one way to combat that now. Whatever life throws at me, do the opposite of what my instincts tell me to do. If they're leading me the wrong way, I'll just do the complete opposite.

If I'm getting a good vibe from someone, I'll return disinterest. If something looks like it's a good thing and will improve my life, I'll figure out another way to do whatever it was that this bright, shiny new object was supposed to provide me with. It seems that when I react the way my heart tells me to react, everything goes to shit. When I use my head, it seems to work.

I hope this works. I'm tired of looking for an answer.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Strange Bedfellows

Interesting subject, I know. It has to do with scriptures, actually. Lately I've been digging back into my roots to rediscover some of the truths I had clung to for so long and had forsaken for a time.

There is a story in the Bible about when Jesus went to Matthew's house for dinner. He sat with tax collectors and prostitutes and "disreputable sinners" as the good book calls them. These were people for whom the physicalities of this world were more important to them than anything else and would do anything from theft to murder to achieve their goals. Here He sat with them, dining with them, enjoying their company, entertaining them with stories and wisdom, listening to their music, etc.

Of course, the pious ones, the pharisees, asked of His disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with such scum?" He overheard this and responded, "Healthy people don't need a doctor, sick people do." Then He added, "Now go and learn the meaning of this scripture: 'I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.' For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."

People need love and understanding. Someone who will look into their eyes and be with them in their time of need and offer truth beyond that which can be learned from the physical world. It's easy to learn how to make your way in this world physically. The harder part is knowing how to be at peace with yourself, knowing yourself through and through, and to be the manifestation of the very spark of love that created you in the first place.

For the first time in my life, I understand a scripture that made no sense to me before. My mother has been trying to get me to understand it for quite a while now and well, I think it's sinking in. It goes like this:
“If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it."
To me, this means that I can not cling to those that I care about so dearly including myself, my friends, my parents, etc. I can not take care of myself and be all that I can be if I am spending all of my resources, time and energy on them, to keep them "safe from harm." You can't put a boy in a bubble from birth or he will never develop immunities. You can not keep someone from working for a living or they will never learn to care for themselves upon your eventual death. You can't provide someone's needs for them or they will become lazy, fat and ungrateful during the lean times.

This, in combination with the scripture Jesus challenged the pharisees with, is an interesting balance. Show mercy... not sacrifice. How do you know when you've gone too far? When things begin to feel wrong in your heart. When you realize that those you are providing for are not taking to heart what you are trying to teach them. If you can still see the drive and determination in them to be more than they are, your act of love is as good now as ever. For the best compliment to one's provisions is to show that you have learned, have taken to heart what they've said and done, and have incorporated their teachings within your own life. It starts with imitation... copying that which one sees and admires and does not yet fully understand. It finishes with personalization... making those beliefs and actions your own without the presence of the one(s) you imitate.

I also believe that these teachings go both ways. While one can learn the benefits of hard work and teach another the same, the other can learn the benefits of mercy, of sharing, giving and forgiving. Balancing these is a tricky task but it's sorta like riding a bike. Once you learn, you never forget.

I have learned much from those I have been "bedfellows" with. There is not one person in my life that has not taught me something that has made me a better person. Either by them being a good example or a bad example, I have learned what type of person I want to be... for better or for worse (by the definitions of those who view my life), who I am is who I am and that is immutable.


Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Change On The Wind

Well, it's happened... somehow, it's happened. Twink has finally managed to take control again. She met someone that completely changed her life and this woman gave her some materials, books, etc. She read to me out of one and it sounded a LOT like devotionals. I knew then that she would be on the right track, finally. She's committed to it, too... that's obvious... more obvious than anything else I've ever seen. It's taken QUITE a lot to get to this point.

This morning I listened to Desert of My Days by Larnelle Harris... and I thought about her and also my own life and realized that God was putting us through VERY rough times to teach us both something we needed to know. There are lessons in life that we both learned early on that the other did not. Over the course of this year, we have taught each other what we know. Sometimes, these lessons have been difficult and have required repetition... but then... what lesson doesn't require repetition?

I have the sweet sense of knowing in my heart that things will better for both of us now. Even if I never see her again, I know that life will be the way it should be and we each have taken some of the beauty the other possessed and have made it our own.

God's love is unending. It still amazes me that throughout all this he used us for good things in each others' lives. Of course, this just means that my next challenge is going to be even harder. Whee! I hope this Oasis can last a little while tho. I could use the break. God never puts anything in front of us that we can't take but he also never puts anything in front of us that we have faced before unless we didn't learn from it last time.


Monday, August 13, 2007

A or B? Why not both? :)

So, I was sitting here working and overheard a conversation that reminded me of something I had heard once upon a time about "Type A" personalities. I began to wonder if I'm a Type A. First I had to look up what it actually meant since I had only heard the phrase but never really knew what it meant. Here's a breakdown:

In some psychological theories, the Type A personality, also known as the Type A Behavior Pattern, is a set of characteristics that includes being impatient, excessively time-conscious, insecure about one's status, highly competitive, hostile and aggressive, and incapable of relaxation. Type A individuals are often highly achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about the smallest of delays. Although they may exhibit some or all of these characteristics, it does not mean that people with the type A personality are incapable of showing love, affection or other types non-pessimistic behavior. Many are also capable of "couching" some of these behavior attributes with proper treatment and medication. Those who do not seek treatment have been described as stress junkies, and often display some of the following characteristics:
  1. An intrinsic insecurity or insufficient level of self-esteem, which is considered to be the root cause of the syndrome. This is believed to be covert and therefore less observable.
  2. Time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation.
  3. Free floating hostility, which can be triggered even over little incidents.
The Type B personality, in contrast, is patient, relaxed, and easy-going. There is also a Type AB mixed profile for people who cannot be clearly categorized and have a combination of both types of personality.
The first test was on Discovery Health. It was a 17-question test designed to provide results on a scale from 0 (Type B) to 100 (Type A). My score was 41. The text results:

You seem to be in the middle between the Type A and Type B personality. In this case, the middle ground is good. Your attitude to life is more of the "smell the roses" kind and you know how and when to relax. Nonetheless, you realize that picking up a challenge and competing a little bit for your place in the sun can add some spice to your life. The equilibrium is important, so don't let your hostile, aggressive, and competitive alter ego take over too often. Generally, you are easy to be around, and people tend to feel relaxed and comfortable in your presence. Yours is a very healthy attitude towards life.
That gave me a warm fuzzy. When I took the other one at BlogThings it came up with these results:

You Have A Type B+ Personality

You're a pro at going with the flow
You love to kick back and take in everything life has to offer
A total joy to be around, people crave your stability.

While you're totally laid back, you can have bouts of hyperactivity.
Get into a project you love, and you won't stop until it's done
You're passionate - just selective about your passions

Anyway... I thought this was interesting. Oh... and my Jung Test results... ENFP. Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving. And when I'm not living up to these, I'm a very unhappy person. *sigh*


Tuesday, August 7, 2007

War, huh, Good God! Still good for nothing!

So, I'm sick. Got something in my lungs, throat, nose, etc. Probably a bronchial infection and I probably got it from Sadao since he's been sick. I've been taking vitamins to help overcome it but I don't know how much that's going to work right now.

*sigh* Sadao... he reminds me of a much younger me sometimes. Other times I don't know... but there is a very strange connection between the two of us. It's loving and nurturing like two lovers some times... other times it's like parent-to-child. I really have to get past worrying what anyone else really thinks about what I'm doing and just do what's right for myself. Those that truly give a shit will see that I'm honestly trying to take care of my own situation and will support me. Those who don't will try to derail me.

So I've gotta work out what I want to do, do it, and then make it stick and see who does what.

It feels, right now, like there's a war going on between Twink and anyone who she feels might take me away from the family. Yet when that war isn't going on, she treats me like a pariah. I don't know how to fix that and still be my own person. Many sets of eyes are upon me to see what I'm going to do next. I have to think this through, carefully.

I overheard part of a phone conversation outside between a co-worker and someone else. She said, "Why is it that she's the one with the PhD and she's looking for approval from everyone else? That has to stop."

I thought about that for a moment. People go for things like an education for many reasons but I think maybe they boil down to two possibilities. They're their own person and do what they want because it's what they want for themselves or they live vicariously through others and do what they do to impress or flaunt their abilities to those around them. I still feel broken. I still feel like I'm not worth anything to anyone in the sense of a true, honest and open relationship. Still trying to prove myself either by what I know or what I can do.

What do I want more than anything else in the world? Just to be loved for who I am. To not have my intentions questioned or judged to be nefarious when they're not. My idea of love goes beyond what society typically believes as true from what I've seen. The concept of non-existence doesn't register with me. The idea of not being... doesn't make sense. How can that be?

What I need to do is to see a financial adviser and get my shit under control, first. Those in my life will simply have to deal with the fall-out of whatever comes from that. If it means selling some of my stuff, taking a second job, selling the house, whatever it takes to get me well again is what has to happen because right now... I'm not well... I'm not happy... and I can see that it's out there waiting for me in various forms. If I wait too long, it won't wait much longer for me, I'm afraid.

I know Sadao will survive without me. I know that Twink, Josh and the kids will find a way to survive without me. So why can't I make that shift for myself and survive without them? *sigh* ... I just need to feel something real again.

I did the weedeating for the yard yesterday. I could only do the front and sides of the house since the weed eater runs out of juice so quickly (battery operated doo-hickey). But looking at the difference it made, I was quite happy with it. I know that hard work pays off and right now I'm coasting through life. But I need to either flap my wings and start soaring again or I crash on the ground. I just don't want to see those flying with me to fail either.

I'm too tender-hearted. My heart can be broken by mere words from a loved one. It dampens my spirit and my will and then I no longer wish to even try. My head is filled with such troubles I don't know where to begin with them. But I have to start somewhere.

I've discovered a lot about the people I've associated with in the past and how they view me now. I'm not happy with how I've been portrayed and and getting very close to the point of no return... where I turn my back on everything I have come to love and cherish and look out solely for myself... everyone else be damned.

It's okay though. I know that somehow, I will survive this. Even though I don't see a future for myself right now... I know somehow I will survive even if it means returning to Indiana... alone... and in major debt. Trying to wake up here... but it's not easy given the amount of time I've been asleep. Maybe I am Rip Van Winkle. Heh... I guess by the time I die I will have, somehow, experienced everything I was meant to experience in this life.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Stole My Breath

My mother sent me this via e-mail today... and it stole my breath. Thought I'd share it. :)

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like."

The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table.

In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The holy man said, "I don't understand."

"It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves."

Are those neurons firing yet?


Thursday, August 2, 2007

Our Hero

So, I've been following this internet radio equality thing for a while now and google sends me alerts when it finds something that has anything to do with it. It sent me to this page today:

The Decider Weighs in on Royalty Rates

What really got me was this:
"With royalty rates a hot-button issue working its way into Congress (via H.R. 2060, the Internet Radio Equality Act), it was only a matter of time before someone sought President Bush’s opinion on the matter. When asked at a press junket at the Gaylord Opryland Resort in Nashville whether his administration would consider changing the royalty laws for performing artists for radio and television airplay, the President responded thusly (taken from an official White House transcript): “Help. (Laughter.) Maybe you’ve never had a President say this — I have, like, no earthly idea what you’re talking about. (Laughter and applause.) Sounds like we’re keeping interesting company, you know? (Laughter.) Look, I’ll give you the old classic: Contact my office, will you? (Laughter.) I really don’t — I’m totally out of my lane. I like listening to country music, if that helps. (Laughter.)” In his defense, we’re sure the President has a lot on his mind — like the Iraq War, gay marriage or finishing My Pet Goat."
Someone just had to ask him what he thought. Sometimes I think the entire reason we put people in the president's seat is so we can make fun of them. We certainly have to have something to amuse ourselves with, eh? I'm sure someone out there will be upset over what Bush had to say about this. But it comes as no surprise to me. It's just not on his radar. What is on his radar? Only he knows for sure. I did get a good giggle at the "My Pet Goat" line, tho. :)



So I've made my journal private now. The only thing you'll see from here on out is cool stuff I find on the web, the occasional review of a book, movie or album, etc. There's really only one reason for this change. It's my life. Although I don't need to explain myself to anyone, I will just so there's no misunderstanding.

Apparently my life is as controversial as the Bible to those who read my journal. Everyone has their own interpretation of what it means. So, since it's my journal, I pay for it, I write about my life in it... there's really no point in sharing my thoughts with anyone other than those that truly share their lives with me. Otherwise, misinterpretation creates misrepresentation of concepts and thoughts that were running through my head at the time I wrote them. Everyone wants to know what's going on in my life, why, how I feel about it, what I'm going to do about it, etc. and to then project their $0.02 upon me, or someone I know, describing what I supposedly meant by it and what I should do about it. The only way to stop that, apparently, is to stop talking about it entirely. So, that's exactly what I'm doing.

I've grown weary of having the lead role in The Truman Show. I'm tired of being the performing monkey for everyone's amusement yet almost never seeing anyone throw a quarter in my cap. There are precious few people in my life that actually do that and they do that by their actions, not their words. They do it by standing beside me in the worst of conditions even when I was the one that caused the situation. For better or worse is not just something that married people agree to... it's something that builds a true friendship between people.

This is absolutely directed at EVERYONE who reads my journal. I am not playing favorites nor am I leaving anyone out of this decision. I thought I could share my life without fear of it being used in ways that would cause harm to me or anyone else. But seeing as how it has become a weapon for people to use to bash themselves or others I care about, I choose to disarm the whole thing.

Have I stopped caring? Have I stopped giving a shit? Nope. it's not like that. It's all about understanding that when one disturbs the waters, the ripples eventually become massive waves at the beaches. For the trekkies out there... it's the Prime Directive. Non-Interference. No more advice. No more freebies. No more information provided about my life or those in it. You'll get the same response from me on here, via e-mail, on the phone or in person. Because I'm tired of seeing what sharing my life with the world has done to those that give a shit about me.

I can't change the fact that damage has been done. But I can certainly put a stop to anything that can cause any further damage. This journal isn't the only thing that's changing. My life may very well be an enigma to many people. I don't deny that I emulate others that I admire, respect and look to for guidance. I don't deny that I make choices based on my heart more often than my head. I don't deny that I'm more of a lover than a fighter. So in that vein, the best way to love someone is to set them free and leave them the hell alone. If they come back, it was meant to be. If they don't, then they're doing fine... be happy for them and move on to make yourself happy.

So, if you feel like this message was meant for you... take heart in knowing that you're probably not alone. Then, close the browser... turn off the computer... find someone you care about... and give them a hug and tell them you love them. Please... I'm begging you.

Good Luck and God Bless,