Sunday, March 19, 2006

Luck of the Irish Ran Out

Twink says I'm lucky. That I'm just a very lucky individual. Truth is, I got just as many problems just on another scale. Was at Dorrmat's house tonite just chillin' and hangin' out. I got tired and decided to come home. That's when I noticed that my driver's side door had been smashed in. I asked the various folks gathered there for a night of mirth and merriment if any of them heard anything, saw anything, etc. It was a pretty good whack... I would have thought we would have heard something. But I guess not.

Problem is... I didn't want to bring the police into it... which of course Rob thinks is crazy and he's right... it is crazy. But I didn't think the folks in the house would appreciate having cops wandering around the property. So, I've driven the car home and now I'm just going to bed.

This... the weekend before Ultra... a mere 4 days before I'm supposed to drive down to Miami. Of course, since there's no police report... there can be no insurance claim. I priced door assemblies on Ebay. The only ones available were in Buffalo, NY... Pickup Only... for about $150. Which is not a bad price... but I can't very well get to Buffalo, NY to get my car repaired, can I?

Anyway... I'm going to bed. I'll deal with this later. I'm beginning to dread next weekend now, actually. Not in the best of moods right now.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

A Bit Of The Blarney

I really can't believe I'm still awake at this point. I'm supposed to be driving to Tampa in three hours and I don't think I'm gonna make that time slot. But a lot happened tonight that I was unprepared for. A ... lot.

First, I had a slight medical issue I had to deal with... popped up in the middle of the day, yay me. So I had to come home and deal with that... then I finished up my day's work here from home and chatted with Laura a little. I really like her. She's totally a straight shooter in my book and has done much to earm my trust and respect. Her and Jim both are great people and I'm gratified to call them both friends.

So, after work, I'm cruising MySpace when I get this message and friend request from a guy I used to work with a little over a year ago. I started chatting with him and before I know it... he gives me his phone number and asks that I call. So I do, duh.

Anyway, we chatted for about 2 hours and ... well... I'm pretty sure I'm not misreading this... he had the hots for me then and still does now. He said he always wanted to get to know me better, was commenting on my pictures and said, "We should definitely see each other soon!"

Cloud 9? I don't know where that is. It was WAY behind me by that point. :D I stood up and caught myself doing a Drew Barrymore dance from 50 First Dates. Hell yeah! I actually got myself worked up to where I want to put more effort into myself again. It's an awesome feeling and I wouldn't trade it right now for anything in the world.

While I was on the phone with him, I found out my neighbors were coming back in town that night! So, I knew right away I wasn't getting any sleep any time soon. I just got back from being over there with them and three of their good friends. GOOD times, people.

Anyway... gonna try to get some sleep so I can get to Tampa at a sortof decent hour! TTYL.



Tuesday, March 7, 2006


Wow, I am SUCH a crackhead sometimes. I just re-read what I wrote and yeah... all that is exactly how I felt at the time... but now... it's different. I think maybe this was all just indicative of me dealing with re-integrating my old self... prior to transition, with the person I've become. I need to share who I was with the people I care about now... the people in my life. If they're important to me... I want them to know.

Right now, I'm watching Moulin Rouge (again) with my niece Erin and her friend Steph. Steph's pretty quiet. I wonder what's going on her head sometimes. Erin's been quiet too but not as much as Steph. Trying to get them to go out to Fusion with me tomorrow night and see a real party in progress. :) It'll be a good time if they go, I'm sure. :)

Today at work was... well, work. Blah. I hate work, I really do. Now they've got meetings scheduled for EVERY DAY. WTF is that about? It's ridiculous. I'm SOOOO ready to leave GCS I can't even begin to describe my utter disdain for it.

At any rate... I need to make dinner soon. I just wanted to make a note that I'm a crackhead... not that I didn't already know this, right? :-P

Monday, March 6, 2006

My Brain... On Drugs

Alright... so... getting a good grip on reality is becoming paramount now. I need stability. I find myself getting lost in my head too much and it's beginning to freak me out a little... actually a lot. The daily metaphors in my life are becoming relentless and I fear insanity can't be far away. Seriously... I see metaphors like... everywhere.

Here comes the rain again... falling on my head like a memory... falling on my head like a new emotion. So baby talk to me.. like lovers do. Walk with me like lovers do.

Okay... I wrote that a day or so ago. I'm still seeing all kinds of weird imagery that I'm trying to focus on and this past weekend and morning was incredible, actually. Literally... credence of this weekend's activities is pretty much in question.

I've been reading more and more about drug usage and it's effects on the brain, how they alter the perception of reality and what doors in our pysche they unlock. Some doors are better left shut and locked... they were done so for a reason, after all.

I'm going to write down the experience and imagery I can remember from this past trip. Hopefully within a few weeks to a few months I'll be able to re-read this and determine what the hell happened.

Okay, so when I started to trip... I began to feel that there were expectations of me to "get the party started." I remember feeling several different ways. Primarily, all of these things have related to the concepts of home, family, children and faith. I've been feeling old a lot lately. I've also been feeling less than human... or rather... not male or female but something in-between. This, manifested itself during the trip in a couple of different ways. One was that my body was somewhere else... specifically in a hospital room somewhere and my brain and body was being manipulated in order to produce a desired effect... that effect... well, it was sexual in nature. I think this is something deep-rooted in my head concerning my sexuality or lack thereof. I can distinctly remember Rabbit being ... impatient with me and perhaps a little freaked out by me and who/what I am. This was revealed when I went to give him a hug and he wigged out... also when I was having problems with my voice changing on me without me being able to control it... I could hear Heather talking about my voice breaking, and there was a lot of concern about how much I smoke. Maybe I really should just quit.

There were also times when I thought the guy from Amsterdam was a doctor... a specialist brought it to help me out... and that his ministrations, along with Twink, worked together to dig deep into my psyche and work out where "I" had gone... and that whoever is here now is not who I am... like I have multiple personalities and the true personality has been "locked up under house arrest" for a long time... feeling like he or she isn't allowed to come out and live with the rest of us. I've been feeling like all those who I've been in touch with are children of mine or are related to me somehow.

I'm not sure what to do at this point because this morning (actually yesterday morning now) I had it out with Rob basically telling him I didn't think he did enough for our relationship and that we should split up physically. Maybe this is the most honest I've been... I don't know... Twink and I were sitting there talking to him about it this morning and he was very irritated and aggravated.

There's another theory here, of course... heh... this is indicative, of course, to the phychotic break from reality, of course. That Twink represents the young kid, Mike, in me. Rabbit represents the man I should have become. Heather represents the woman I desire in my life. Veronica represents the confusion of it all.

I really need stability. I think I need to make this a matter of real prayer. Real meditation and focus. I see why people do this to themselves... to feel a connection, a bond, to everything and everyone on the planet. To feel integrated and not segregated. But that feeling eventually goes away and you're left with the mental imprisonment again. I also see why people focus on the idea of a higher power and that all will be revealed in time... specifically the time of our death.

Sorting this out is not something I can do by sheer will power. It will take time and healing. Pray for me.