Thursday, May 31, 2007

A Story Remembered

So, we were talking about coders and the crazy things we do to our applications when we're bored or confused and I happened to remember a particular story which I think I'll post here.

I used to work for a company called ASI that wrote software for cruise ships. Our flagship product at the time was the Tour Reporting System. It was designed to interface with the Tour Point of Sale system and was able to generate all kinds of reports for the tour office and other departments about what the passengers were doing and when, how much they had to pay the local agents, etc.

Now... the way it was set up is similar to any other heirarchy. An Itinerary had a collection of Ports, a Port had a collection of Tours and a Tour had a collection of Tickets. While working on a copy feature of the edit screen in the tour section one day, I was typing out all this code to verify that the parent objects existed. This was well before the days of database engines that were smart enough not to let you create orphaned records.

Now in order to set this up... the idea here was the ability to automagically create new itineraries based on existing ones. So one the user had entered the new itinerary structure information and selected the old one, it began the copy process. All the while, based on code that we had already written, validating the existence of the parent records. It occurred to me while writing the validation code that since it's a brand new Itinerary, I shouldn't have to validate it's existence after when creating the tours for it since I had just created the Itinerary record. If the Itinerary record creation had failed, it would have exited the copy function completely. So this was ridiculous code and unnecessary.

While I was writing this code, the client's representative... oh let's call her Monica for that was her name... was waiting patiently for me to go to dinner. When I stopped writing code and had the thought I just told you about, she asked what was going on.

Me: "Well, this code is required... but would never run. ... so I don't know what the point is of creating a message to the user about this... but it's a requirement."
Monica: "Let me write the message."

I had already written "The New Itinerary record is missing. This is a serious error." She then completed this with "You must be a complete idiot to have found yourself in such a pathetic state."

We had a good chuckle about it and then I closed the code and we went to dinner.

Note to self: There's no such thing as code that can not be executed.

Fast forward a few months... different client... different ship. I was building the database for the client and getting things ready to go. While creating multiple itineraries that were somewhat different from each other but mostly identical, we ran into a duplicate key error for an itinerary that was created manually previously. Therefore the creation of the itinerary record failed. While it was at the prompt, asking us what to do about the itinerary record, on another computer we opened the itinerary editor and changed the key values of the previously created itinerary so that the program could continue.

The error code logic was a module that presented the user with the typical options at the time: Abort, Retry, Ignore. Anyone who knows anything about life should know that one should never ignore anything out of the ordinary. And I had not coded for the Ignore response in the itinerary building process during a copy. So of course... what did the user do when I told him that he could "just ignore that message now?" You guessed it... he clicked ignore.

As a result, the code continued on, not knowing there wasn't an itinerary record and tried to create the ports... when the itinerary validation code discovered that the itinerary record was missing... history came back and bit me square in the ass.

Fortunately, the user did not require therapy from the rude comment the computer made about him. Just remember, if you put it out there... somewhere, sometime... it will come back to you.


Just For Fun

One day Steven and I were creating "motivational posters" at Despair's website. Here's one I came up with and hadn't posted anywhere yet.


Lightening Likes Me

So, there's that old saying that lightning rarely strikes twice. Maybe we're just thinking in all too much of an all-or-nothing attitude when we say that. Every electrician knows that there's little shocks and there's big shocks (just ask my brother).

A friend asked me to go to lunch with him yesterday and have drinks with him after work. This is a guy I've been interested in for a while. He's good looking with a very calming, loving personality and we've been out together before. Every time we've gotten close tho, there's been a wall that has come up between us. I've tried to identify this wall and figure out if it's me or him or both of us. He's had some hurt in his past with past relationships (including someone that he says I remind him of). I've had my run-ins with emotions and love and romance as well... not to mention the whole gender fiasco (which I hadn't mentioned to him at all since it was obvious to me then that it wouldn't matter). Each time that we've gone out, it was always at my suggestion. This was the first time he asked me to hang out with him. So I said sure.

Lunch was ... well lunch. We ate at this pizza place called American Pie and it was filled with people so we couldn't really chat about much more than how interesting the flatbread was. But the evening is a different story altogether.

We went to the Ale House and had ... a few drinks. :) We could both feel the chemistry starting (he started it first this time). And as the night went on it built and built and we began talking earnestly about life, how it felt to us and found that we both share the same vision of it. I could sense the wall in the distance and knew we were headed for it. Sure enough, it wasn't long before we hit it and the chemistry fizzled. It happened when we started talking about committments, expectations, obligations, etc. I could tell that it was a sore spot for him and that he had some scars from where he'd been hurt in the past. I knew that there was only one thing I could do to show I truly trusted him... but how to work that into casual conversation?

Well, the opportunity arose when the discussion automagically turned to the female anatomy and the periodic cycle. He asked me what it was like to have to deal with that.

Me: "Well, if I'm going to stick with this whole idea of honesty that I've developed for myself, I guess I should say 'I don't know.'"
Him: "So, you can't have any children?"
Me: "Nope. Would you like to know why?"
Him: "Sure."
Me: "Are you sure? Because there's no turning back after this."
Him: "Yeah, I want to know."

I took his hand and put it on my throat so he could feel my adam's apple. I knew that if he were the wrong kind of person, he could've started choking me right there and then. But he didn't. His eyes got big and his smile returned and the warmth from him returned.

Him: "So you went the whole way?"
Me: "Yup."
Him: "That's great!"

From that point on we started really talking. He didn't ask any further questions (I'm pretty sure he's going to have more now) but there was some understanding there now about me and my life and that I truly did recognize the pain he was feeling from his past.

I don't know where it goes from here. It may go nowhere... it may start to take off. But I took the step I knew I had to take to clear the air and be honest with each other. Until I know that he shares the same feelings... that life is "empty and meaningless and the fact that it's empty and meaningless is empty and meaningless" and that nothing we can say about our lives or do in our lives can be affected by anyone else unless we allow it... until I know that for sure... I will keep his trust and secure his identity and his life in my heart. Besides... this journal's about me and my feelings... what else can I truly know anything about anyway?

Much Love to All,

Jokes From Work

So, one of my buddies at work started IMing me some jokes yesterday. This will be a long post because these are some great jokes. Here they are. Enjoy! :)


Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it.


During the French Revolution a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go.

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."


Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

Here you go Business Majors!! No competition for the Engineers!!


There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?


Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"

#6 (Last One)

One day a group of engineers got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one engineer to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The engineer walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened patiently to the man and after the engineer was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man-making contest."

The man replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The engineers said, "Sure, no problem." He bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. Go get your own dirt!"


Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Don't Stop

Yeah... music is definitely my preferred method of expression. Here's a great one from Fleetwood Mac.

Don't Stop

If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
Youll see things in a different way.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that its true,
I never meant any harm to you.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Don't you look back,
Don't you look back.

Peace Peeples,

The Screwtape Letters

Just a quick note (yes, I know I'm supposed to be leaving for work... shush) about a book I'm reading. I've read it before a VERY long time ago. My old copy was dog-eared and worn and I loved it so. But I couldn't find it and so I went to B&N and bought a new copy. It's called The Screwtape Letters and I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone and everyone.

It's a... collection of letters written by a senior demon named Screwtape to a junior demon named Wormwood containing valuable information on how to win and keep a man's soul. Regardless of the mythology you spout, the teachings in this book of how darkness, drama, laziness, hatred, cowardice, falseness, etc. keep up from laughter and light and mirth are invaluable. When reading it, consider that the context is placed firmly within the camp of Christianity and just... go with it for a while... until you start really listening to what Screwtape is saying and can apply it within your own beliefs. I'm not suggesting you follow his advice... LOL... quite the contrary. I'm suggesting you listen to what he is saying and try to recognize your OWN demon's efforts in your life.

The opening of the book has two quotes which I have come to adore:

The best way to drive out the devil, if he will not yield to texts of Scripture, is to jeer and flout him, for he cannot bear scorn. -- Luther

The devil... the prowde spirite... cannot endure to be mocked. -- Thomas More

Take that with you today and life will be a little better, I promise. :)


Shrek The Third

So I got home last night and was expecting to sit in my room and either watch a movie, read a book or play WoW with Jose... when all of a sudden I got a call from Veronica. I must admit, I was a little hesitant about answering the call but since one never knows why someone is calling until one answers... I chose to answer. I'm SO glad I did too!

We talked for a little bit on the phone and she asked if I had any plans for the evening. I said no and she suggested we take in a movie. After going through some of the choices at the theatre closest to her, we picked Shrek the Third. What a great movie that is! :) I was glad that it used elements of the 2nd movie but didn't suck as hard as the 2nd movie. It was truly a good one! She and I then went back to her house (which is cute as all get out) and had a nice non-emo, no-drama visit. It was a great night and totally an unexpected and much welcomed change from recent events.

It was so good to see her and rekindle a friendship that has been beaten up quite a bit by drama over the years. (Some day we'll ALL sit down and laugh at all the drama, too... because it SOOOO needs to be laughed at and mocked). Her courage and spontaneity has always been empowering to anyone who's ever met her. Now, in my opinion, she has forged and tempered it with understanding and wisdom as well. It was a little slice of wonderful to see it.

Today I am more energized and ready to face the world and get some work done. Speaking of which, I better get going.


Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The Emotional Price of a Cigarette

So, I've started considering my addictions. According to popular scientific theory, our bodies produce peptides based on emotional and physical cravings that then bind to receptors in our cells. As these cells divide and create new cells, the produce more cells that have receptors pre-configured to receive the peptides their parents/siblings received. Hence a greater craving for the peptides. Just about anything can be that. Love, Sex, Food, Alcohol, Abuse, Pain, Anger, Hatred, Domination, Submission, Cowardice, etc.

Also according to these theories, when one gets too much of these peptides, they crash the system entirely. Leaving only the cells that are not receptive to whatever the previous addiction was.

At any rate, I've come to recognize these patterns of addiction and they are becoming clearer each day. Overcoming them is becoming easier as well... but sometimes... not so much. Hence the title.

A little while ago, I went to a co-workers' desk whom I smoke with from time to time and ask if I could get one from him since I haven't bought any all day. He said sure and went outside with me. This was when I finally figured out what the price was. It's not my physical health and it wasn't financial. While we were out there, he proceeded to tell me all about everything that was wrong in his life. It dawned on me that every other time I had been out with him smoking a cigarette, I got the same story... just flavored a little differently. This made me giggle. I had to pay the price for the cigarette and that was to not have it in peace. Come to think of it... most of the time I have not actually enjoyed a cigarette in peace. They don't tend to really produce much peace from what I've seen. Usually my mind is all a-flutter when I'm smoking and goofing off rather than being either focused on a challenge in front of me or truly emptying my mind and truly relaxing.

So... do I quit? I think so. Nobody likes a quitter and that's fine with me. After all, Nobody's one of my heroes anyway.


Thursday, May 24, 2007


Heh... I was going to write about this yesterday (since that's when it happened) and totally forgot. So, here it is.

Our pool is ... well... unhealthy isn't strong enough a word, to be honest. Twink has been trying her damnedest to get it back to where it's supposed to be and she got fed up with it. Can't say I blame her... it's not been a happy thing at all. So, I've taken up the gauntlet to clear out the algae and turn it from green back to blue.

This past weekend, I went to Pinch-A-Penny and they gave me the scoop on what to do. I bought the chemicals and started the process. Yesterday it was looking "a little better" in that I could at least see the bottom of the shallow side. So I went to Pinch-A-Penny again with a new sample and two empty chlorine jugs of.

Here's the story:

I get off work at 5:30. I get home by 6:00. I cleaned the filter and got done by 6:30. Pinch-A-Penny closes at 7:00. Plenty of time. I get to the parking lot at 6:50. Not a parking space in sight. There were a couple that got picked up quickly by others before I got the chance. I drove quite a ways and still couldn't find anything. It's now 6:55 and I say to myself "Screw it! I'm parking in a handicapped space!!"

So I did that and run in to the store. While I'm there, I end up chatting politely with one of the women that stole one of the spaces I could've had (that whore). Suddenly there's a rush of people in there and we're all talking about pools and parking space. One guy admitted that he also had to park in a handicapped space. We jokingly agreed to each other that we'd vouch for each other if there was a problem.

So the pool water gets tested... need more acid, algecide and chlorine. There aren't any more phosphates. Good thing. :) So I get my shit and leave and as I'm leaving... this young, good-looking man in a blazer asks if I'm leaving. He's clearly not handicapped either. In the spirit of fun I yelled back to him, "Yeah... I am... you want to be handicapped too?"

Uh huh....

I pull out and as I'm pulling out I notice that coming out of the blazer is probably this guy's father... who happens to have a proesthetic leg. WHOOPS! That's when I notice the handicapped notice hanging from his rear-view window. Oy! *smacks head*. I couldn't help but laugh about it all the way home.

What's the lesson to be learned from this?

Obviously... don't buy a house with a pool. ;)


Wednesday, May 23, 2007


So today I've been toying with an idea... living honestly again. I've been toying with it enough to make some major changes to my online life and hopefully translate those into goodness in my "real" life... whatever that is. So, I'll start with a few basic facts.

I was born male. Somewhere around the age of 5 I got it in my head that I was supposed to be a girl. It came and went quite often in dreams until I hit puberty and then it stuck. Whee. What to do? Here I am having majorly weird-ass ideas and yet I knew how life worked, how babies were made, etc. but I ignored all that and said, "I can change that."

And then I did. Over the course of several years, I studied and learned all I could about alternative lifestyles. I began to realize that not only were there people out there that thought the same way I did... they were making changes in their lives (BIG ones) to realize their dreams. I bought it. I bought it all, hook line and sinker and went after the dream. Then I got it. Now what?

Now, life throws new curve balls at me that I wasn't prepared for. Now I had to learn to accept myself as I was AND how I had become. All at once. I had ignored that for so long... always chasing after changing myself into something else that I never stopped and looked at myself and said, "Damn... you're one sexy mutha fucka!"

That period of my life is over now. It is still wrapped up in my private journal for me to re-read from time to time and recognize the folly of what I had wrought. Now, I'm moving forward. Not moving on... moving forward with where I am and what I am, accepting it and knowing it's just as beautiful as it ever was. I never really discussed it here before... now you know why it's the diary of a "Mad Gender Outlaw."

So... don't expect any drama here anymore. It's all wrapped up now and I'm done with that shit. Time to start either an action flick or a comedy... something other than fuckin' General Hospital or Days of Our Lives.

Peace Out,

Wow... WTF?

Okay... so I'm driving in to work today and I see THIS on 528:

Here and I thought that *I* had gender issues.... sheese!


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Matrix + Futurebound

My sudden interest in DnB shouldn't be all that surprising when you look at the artists I like (which I can count on one hand right now). Pendulum (all hail!), Sardi, Concord Dawn and now Matrix + Futurebound. These guys have produced some great stuff so far of what I've heard. :) I especially like their American Beauty remix... it's just the right blend of the fantastic theme by Thomas Newman, electric guitars and hard-hitting DnB style. Makes me wanna dance whether it does anyone else or not.

If you're interested, go to and check them out.


Monday, May 21, 2007

Positive Changes

So... I've decided to start making some positive changes in my life. I've come to realize that there are a lot of things in my life that waste my time. I put these things in place to entertain me and... although they are very entertaining, they are wasting my time. My journal has been very therapeutic and fun at the same time... so I'll keep it going for a while. But there are other things in my life that I'm clearing out so that my responsibilities can bubble up to the forefront again.

Hopefully this tactic of "distraction surgery" will prove to reinvigorate my interest in things that actually accomplish something at the same time... rather than just waste my time.

Using this technique, I managed to get a lot of work done this morning and was pleasantly surprised to see exactly what I could do when I set my mind to it and avoided anything else that may distract me. Provided I can keep the course and stay focused... life should be smoother from here on end.

Keep smiling peeps... it helps... it really does.


Monday, May 14, 2007

War... huh... Good God y'all... What is it Good For?

An old colleague of mine sent me an e-mail today about a new form of Crystal Meth that's on the street called "Strawberry Quick." Here's a link to a news story about it:

Candy flavored meth meant to entice kids.

Now... first of all, the title incensed me. There are chocolate flavored beers. Sour Apple, Berry flavored and Lemon-Lime flavored alcoholic beverages out there. There are mixed drinks out there that taste just like Sweet-Tarts, Jolly Ranchers, etc. Yet no-one would even think about selling these to children. Or would they?

What is the war on drugs? It is power to control. It is the government's attempt to control the people of the nation by telling them what they can and can not do to themselves. I will be, if not THE first, one of the first people to say that if you corrupt or steal the innocence of a child, you need to be punished severely. There are MANY ways our society does this. That is the war we SHOULD be fighting.

Think about it. Would you sell a car to a child? No? Why not? They do not possess the maturity, knowledge or wisdom to use a car correctly and function within society. They've not been educated properly. Therefore, who would sell a drug to a child?

Think about this. The government is confiscating all the drugs in these drugs busts. What happens to them? Who can truly say? Do we want to be faced with a government that MAY have enough sleep-inducing, hallucinogenic, thought-impairing agents to keep society in check, if necessary? Is this a good thing?

How is it that people can not see the real problem here?

1) Inventor creates Widget! Everyone thinks the widget is great! It's fun, it's cheap, it's a fantastic item.

2) Widget sales go mainstream, people begin to use them in ways no one ever thought!

3) Reports of bad effects happening when using the widget from physical impairment to death. Society takes pause.

4) The Widget's existence is soon blamed for the misuse. People begin to take sides saying it's the widget's fault while others say it's the user's fault for trying to use it for something it wasn't intended to be used for.

5) More and more come rallying to the cause on both sides as the war escalates.

6) The cries become so loud that organizations begin to form to fight one side or the other. Meanwhile widget sales skyrocket. Now, people are REALLY interested.

7) The governing body of the people steps in, hearing the cries of it's "children," and proclaims the Widget as "BAD!" No More Widgets!

8) Widget sales and production go underground. People begin to make cheaper widgets, that are not as good (and possibly more dangerous) as the original widgets. They then sell these widgets at ridiculous prices... why? Because they can.

9) The governing body brands these people as outlaws and begins to wage a war against them using the money from their "children's" pockets to fight this war.

10) Resources from all over begin to become scarce as the war proliferates. So much money is being spent on fighting widget production that other needs for the governing body's "children" begin to become impaired. More money is needed to fight the widgets and to backfill the resources we lost.

11) People begin to work harder to support their families in a time where resources are scarce and taxes are high as we fight the widget menace. People start spending less time with their families in order to provide for the family they spend no time with.

12) Soon, the governing body begins to "win" as more and more people view widgets as a bad thing. They have been educated and therefore demand begins to drop.

13) Widget producers, now stuck with a shit-load of widgets, begin to look for a new target audience... someone uneducated.

14) Widgets start showing up in the hands of children, completely unprepared for what they've been given. Society is outraged. Outraged at the widget producers, outraged at the government for not doing what it said it was going to do.

What's the next step? Do you know? Do we keep fighting the war against something that will not go away? Do we continue to try to destroy the darker side of life? Do we let it escalate until our technology destroys ourselves?

Or do we finally stop fighting? Do we finally embrace that which we can not change and begin to learn from each other? Do we finally ask the inventor: "What's the best way to use this?" rather than blame the inventor for putting it there in the first place?

Think, people. It's not illegal yet.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Time for Change

The time has come for a new awakening... a change in my life and behavior. I've been VERY depressed lately. Things have been grim. I've been taking on the responsibilities and emotional states of those around me and depending upon the weight of the responsibility and the charge of the emotional state, it has created a roller-coaster that has taken me from apathy to elation to anger to bliss and even to suicidal tendencies.

But when looking back at what I have done, both the mistakes and the progress... the progress still outweighs the mistakes. I have been reminded of the two responsibilities I have in my life, once again. I sure hope this can stick this time.

1) I am responsible for my own happiness. No one else has that power. If I say that someone is making me depressed, angry, unhappy, fearful, joyous, elated, at peace, content... it is because I gave them that power. It is better to take the power for one's self rather than to give that power away.

2) I have to be responsible for how I relate to others, but not how they relate to me. I have made mistakes in the way I have related to some people and I take full responsibility for those mistakes and accept the consequences. How I move forward from here is what is at stake now. I can not control someone else's thoughts or feelings about me, nor do I have any desire to. But if someone is throwing negativity at me, I see no need to stay in the path of that negativity any longer. It does not change my love and compassion for people, though, and it never will... not completely.

I have been tested and I feel that I have passed the test with flying colors. I have tested others and they have also passed the tests with flying colors. There can be nothing but good in this life provided we make it that way. The bad can not control that which does not give it control. The same goes for goodness. Keep thinking positively... the alternative is self-destructive and for those that are very empathetic, it can be devastating.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Past, Present, Future

This is an important entry to me. It comes after a long period of reflection. I am changing. I have become aware of the changes that have been taking place in my life, possibly for the first time. I need to record them somewhere that they might be read again someday by someone who needs them.

My Past: I started out in this life in a good home where the teachings of life and love were there for me. Those teachings were good for me in my life and yet I turned away from them. I started down a path of lying, cheating, manipulating and being everything that I had promised myself I would not be. All because of a vision. A vision I had that those who were following the path I was about to take were dying, that God loved them and wanted them home. I did not realize the danger of the path I was taking. I was not strong enough and fell into the lies and became one of them.

My Present: A true friend, possibly my only true friend, has reached down for my hand and has pulled with all her might to bring me out of the web of lies I was caught in. The very charge I had set myself out to do, she accomplished in my life. I owe her everything and yet she asks for nothing... save that I make my life count for something from this point on. I pray for the strength and clarity to be that which she sees in me.

My Future: I must answer for the lies, the deceit, the evil that has been perpetrated under this name before I can return to a life for myself. The hard road starts now. I will make it tho... I will not give up and I will not disappoint all those that have been pulling for me. And now I can make my life what it was supposed to be for the One I serve.


Tuesday, May 1, 2007

April Showers

It's the First of May, y'all. To some, that will mean something. I'm one of those some (yes... I'm special... the short bus broke down tho). This morning, the prophecies of 5/1 came true in spades. And I am forever grateful for that. Promises have been fulfilled in ways I can't begin to elaborate on. But here's a little dittie that might help explain it. It was written a LONG time ago by a white guy that dressed up like a black man. He wrote some incredible songs and this is one of them:

Life is not a highway strewn with flowers,
Still it holds a goodly share of bliss,
When the sun gives way to April showers,
Here is the point you should never miss.

Though April showers may come your way,
They bring the flowers that bloom in May.
So if it's raining, have no regrets,
Because it isn't raining rain, you know, (It's raining violets,)
And where you see clouds upon the hills,
You soon will see crowds of daffodils,
So keep on looking for a blue bird, And list'ning for his song,
Whenever April showers come along.

And where you see clouds upon the hills,
You soon will see crowds of daffodils,
So keep on looking for a blue bird, And list'ning for his song,
Whenever April showers come along.

Peace, Love, Unity and Respect to All.