Sunday, October 30, 2005

Timing is Everything

I think my problem has been and always will be bad timing. It seems like I'm always a day late and/or a dollar short. I can't make it to work on time. I make plans and then can't keep them because I try to make everyone but myself happy and end up making everyone miserable in the end. Even the major decisions in my life seem to have met with ill-fated timing. Tonite is no exception. I'm sitting at home miserable when I could be with good friends and family, at a party, enjoying life. Why am I not there? Because I allowed other things in my life to control me. Now that I'm willing to take that control back... it's too late. This is very typical of me. My pre-cognitive abilities tell me how this is going to end, too. People are going to get tired of it and I'll be alone again. Wow... I'm really miserable tonite.

There is so much going on in my head I feel like it's going to burst. There's so much I want to say but I fear the consequences of saying anything. I know what I want out of life. I know what I need out of life. None of it is in my grasp though. I've fucked up so many things, it seems, that now I don't know which end is up. I find myself entertaining thoughts I haven't thought in years. I find myself entertaining the idea that I would be better off without this world and vice versa. This has scared the ever-living fuck out of me since I haven't had thoughts like that in ... 11 years.

I try to give my best, but it's not enough. Never is. I don't feel like I make a difference. Life keeps marching forward and yet everyone around me is still feeling like they're standing still. GOD I am SO scared, alone and depressed right now and at the moment... I see no end in sight.

It's also a lack of inspiration. Hmmmm... hold up a moment. Inspiration. Argh... but those people and things in my life that inspire me are the very people and things in my life that are making me crazy, too. I don't know what to say anymore and to be honest it doesn't matter anyway. I don't think anyone's reading out there ... based on the lack of interaction in my journal. So why bother with this bullshit anymore anyway?

Yay... looks like I get to be jaded again. Guess I should put the dustcover on the keyboard. Later.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Random Babblings

So maybe I really am having a mid-life crisis. I just looked up the definition in Wikipedia and it was rather alarming:

A mid-life crisis is an emotional state of doubt and anxiety in which a person becomes uncomfortable with the realization that life is halfway over. It commonly involves reflection on what the individual has done with his life up to that point, often with feelings that not enough was accomplished. The individual may feel boredom with their lives, jobs, or their partners, and may feel a strong desire to make changes in these areas. The condition is also called the beginning individuation, a process of self-actualization that continues on to death. The condition is most common in people in their 30s and 40s, and affects men more often than women.

That's pretty much where I'm at. I used to have my future laid out and planned. Funny thing is I apparently didn't plan far enough ahead. I often feel very uncertain about life and the various things involved in it. I find myself worrying about what consequences my actions will take more often now than not. In fact, I spend so much time figuring it all out in my head that by the time I'm done, whatever I was working on has already sorted itself out.

Yesterday was a fitful day. I woke up to my hand cramping up and tingling up to my elbow. Classic case of carpal tunnel syndrome. Whee. So I called in to work and told them I couldn't work that day. It was not the happiest of conversations. Shortly before that phone call, the power went out in the house. So even if I *could* type on the keyboard, I couldn't use the computer from home either so they were pretty much stuck without me. The power came back on eventually, but by that time my mood was already headed into the abyss.

The rest of the day involved issues I've chosen to not talk about here but they affected my thought processes all day. I allowed different events and conversations take me to a place where I eventually just became angry and very solitary, feeling abandoned and just generally shitty. To be honest, those situations have yet to be resolved either and I'm still letting it affect me. It's hard not to. Argh... it drives me nuts.

I did, however, discover that high emotions helps me focus on what I really want. Since my day was going so crappy I decided to spin a little. I was doing damn good too, if I do say so myself. I was focused and really getting into it. I just hope I don't always have to be pissed off to do it. HA!

Not much else to report at the moment... I think I might spin a little more tonight after Rob leaves for work. Which is pretty soon so I'm gonna close this and get busy. Later taters.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Mad as all Hell

I'm mother fucking irritated. I've almost sent a message to Twink twice now to tell her just how irritated I am... but I've thought the better of it knowing that it would come out all fucked up if I sent something out now. So instead, I'll just write this private entry to vent and then maybe later when my head cools off I can talk to her.

I got a call from Josh earlier today asking if I wanted to go to see NiN tonight. He'd been planning going for some time now and had bought tickets for several people. Apparently he had a spare one. When I asked him where it came from he said that David and Katie had been figthing and that she was not being very nice to David (must have been earlier that day). Josh didn't want to deal with this and so he decided that he was going to tell David that he could go but she could not. Josh was offering me her ticket. At first, I thought sure, why not, I'll go. Throughout the day, though, I thought that maybe I shouldn't since he did buy that ticket for someone else. I said fine. I didn't want to get in the middle of it. Josh also specifically told me not to tell Twink about it at all and that he would tell her. Later Josh mentioned that he had some ibuprophen I could have (my left hand has been bothering me all day with what I believe is the start of carpal tunnel syndrome).

So I had decided that what I would do is go over to their house, pick up the pills and bow out gracefully. Before I left I called Josh. He said he was off getting some fruit but that the pills were at the house and I could just go and get them. When I got closer, I called the house to let Twink know I was close by. There was no answer. So I figured she was either spinning or getting Taylor or something. It was only 6 PM... didn't think they'd be leaving this soon. To be honest, I didn't know what time the concert was supposed to start or how to get to where we were supposed to be going. So I pulled up to the local quickie mart to get a drink and called Twink's cell. Asked her if she was home and she said they had just left for the concert.

I was thinking... what the fuck? She didn't mention anything about knowing that I was supposed to go too. She acted as if she knew nothing about it so I have to assume she didn't. I still didn't tell her about Josh's offer. I told her to have a good time and she said, "Oh we will." I sent Josh a text message after that saying, "Have a good time. Thanks for the offer but I guess I shouldn't go anyway." He called me and told me to "feel better" and that I should let him know if the pills work. I said I would, hung up, got the pills and started home.

The more I thought about, the more it bugged me. So I sent another text to Josh saying, "So I guess you're taking David and Katie after all?" He replied, "We'll see what happens." I replied, "I feel fine. I just didn't feel right taking a ticket you bought for someone else." He replied, "So what I bought em." I replied again with, "I figured that you had changed your mind since you never called me about it and you left before I even got there." No reply.

He makes the offer, tells me he'll call later about it. Yet he didn't call me about it. He called about the pills... but nothing about the concert. I didn't know when I was supposed to meet them, IF I was supposed to meet them, WHERE I was supposed to meet them. But I drive all the way the fuck out there to see that they'd left without telling me shit.

The worst part about it is... Twink doesn't know anything about any of this... as far as I know. If I tell her, I'm technically betraying Josh's trust. So, I guess I'll just have to wait until I see Josh again to hash this shit out. Whee. Dunno when that will be. It gives me a headache.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Bad Ass Weekend!

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced with something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another which states that this has already happened.
--The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Last night was the bomb! Actually, most of yesterday was awesome, to be honest. It didn't start out so good with Taylor's dad waiting until the very last minute to pick her up... while Twink and I waited patiently for him to arrive. But I can accept that shit happens to people and they get delayed... it does seem to happen to him a lot, tho.

But after that, Twink and I went shopping! What for.... clothes? Nah. Shoes... feh. Beads and other interesting trinkets? Nope. We went record shoppin.' :) I realized that I still had $150 of birthday money that I hadn't spent yet and wanted to spend it on getting us new music. So we went shoppin' for music! :D Found some great records too... one that have simply inspired me to write more of my own and remix the stuff I like. Rabbit texted me at one point and told me that he had mixed in my remix of Carry On My Wayward Son into a set and that it worked great. :) He has no idea how happy that made me. :) It's encouraged me to keep going and to press forward. I spent so much time listening to people tell me how hard it is to get into the music business, etc. I don't think it's that hard, now, to be honest.

I've found people that I care about and that care about me. And we all love the music. Sure, I could take my stuff to a label and start shopping my stuff around... but I think the best way is really to just do it for the love of doing it and let others hear it. Let them decide. Let the music speak for itself and the rest of it will all fall into place.

We finished the night out listening to music. We started spinning with each other... she'd drop a record and then I would... back and forth. We're not very good at it yet (she's better than I, right now, though) but the love of doing it is something shared and it just turns me on like nothin' else will! Wheeeeeee!! Eventually, we got to the point where all we were doing was playing them rather than mixing them... but that was just fine with us by then. :)

Today, we're facing a hurricane (another one) this one shouldn't be as bad but I want to make sure my friends are kept safe. So I've invited Rabbit, Heather, V, Twink, her kids, and Josh to come over and ride out the storm at our house since their homes are not as safe. My family has grown by leaps and bounds and I plan to protect it as much as I am able.

Rabbit and I will finish up that track tonite, I'm sure, and maybe I'll get him to help me on some new stuff. :) I think I got Twink interested in trying her hand at a little production work too... but I think she's scared to try. I know she's got a beautiful song in there somewhere just dying to break free... just gotta get her to where she can use the tools to express it. :) Hell yeah!

Anyway, all in all... a stellar weekend... even in the threat of a hurricane. :) Not going to let it dampen my spirits or harm those I care about. More later. :)

Friday, October 21, 2005

I am a Mess

I think I may be losing my mind. Went to the movies tonight... saw DOOM with Rob, G and Richard. Afterwards, I thought Twink and I were going to hang out, chill, do something. She yawned a couple of times and made it clear that she was "in for the night." I also got the impression that she didn't really want to hang out. In fact, I've been getting that impression from most of my friends lately. I guess sometimes I am too needy, too smothering... I dunno. I just like hangin' out with my friends a lot, I guess.

I feel alone a lot, I guess. Alone in the world and that no one out there ... REALLY gets me completely. Maybe that's how everybody feels. Maybe we all "settle" in relationships whether they're intimate or not. The diversity is charming and interesting but there's a longing, a need to find someone I really connect with... someone I totally get and they totally get me. I suppose I may never find that person.

Sometimes I get the crazy notion that before... back earlier in getting to know Twink, she was testing me. She was asking the questions and pushing the buttons to see what I was about and maybe see if I got her. That night at her house doing acid and whippits while watching movies really threw me for a loop. I've never written about it and I'm thinking now that I want to.

At one point, during Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (which I don't even remember watching the movie at all, to be honest) I had what I can only describe as an Adam and Eve moment. My brain went through images that all related to sex, orgasm, conception, child birth, growing up, learning the facts of life, commonalities between all people, and all of a sudden I looked over at Twink and thought, "I *KNOW* HER" from somewhere, somewhen else. That I've known her for all time. That everyone has an adam or an eve that complements them and that they spend their lives searching for the one... and that you just KNOW they're the person ... from balls to bones.

And then I started reflecting on this and thought... what have I done? I spent my life searching for happiness and thought I had found it only to figure out that I was wrong? I began to wonder if maybe there was something I was supposed to do early in life that I fucked up. Something that took me down a path that lead away from where I was supposed to be going. I began to wonder if maybe all the pain in her life was because I had messed up. That, if she and I were meant to be together as this experience was telling me... the fact that we weren't and that I became so selfishly absorbed personal exploration that I usurped all the good things that were supposed to happen to her.

I even began thinking my transition was a big mistake. That if I had just held on a little while longer, I might have met her at a different point in life and could have had more to offer her more than just my friendship. I can't stop this feeling now matter how hard I have tried. I fight it on a daily basis and have been ever since that night at Heather's. It's a constant craving that will not be sated by anything else. Little things like her smile, the sparkle in her eyes when she gets excited about something, her energy, her passion and committment to her children, her determination when faced with a challenge or a threat, the very shape of her face, it all speaks volumes to me and all I can do is stare and marvel at the beauty, complexity and wonder of it all. I know how Soliari felt when reading Mozart's work and stood "staring through the cage of those meticulous pen strokes at an absolute beauty." The cage I see before me, though, is all made up of the actions I have taken to get here to where I am today.

I'll never understand this life. Not in all of the time I will spend on this Earth will I ever be able to put two and two together and come up with four. I've found the one that completes me... and know I'll never be completed.

I vow, that in my next life, I will find her and I will not fall into the same trap I have in this one. I am questioning my beliefs and my the ideals I've held for my entire life and finding that they don't hold as much weight with me any more. Because they were never really mine in the first place.

I hesitate to say it... but I think maybe she and I were meant to be soulmates. I feel at peace, calm and free with her. We seem to be able to turn each others' chaos into order for the most part. I'll have to finish this later. Too much on my mind and too tired.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


It's frustrating at times, sure... but it *IS* a lot of fun too... :) Since I bought the set of the tables, I've had a couple of opportunities to spin here at the house and once at Twink's the other night. And yeah... I'm hooked. :) I've been spending the better part of the night spinning, looking up records in BearShare and on Ebay.

I've figured out the mechanics of it. That's not to say I can beat-match perfectly every time, of course. I just know how it's *supposed* to work. I can usually get a couple of records to match up eventually. Now I just need to learn my catalog (and expand my catalog) so that I can figure out where things work together and where they don't. I'm thinking about taking them all and burning them to CD to listen to in the car and at work. Maybe that way I can get the music ingrained in my head and really *know* my catalog.

Blah... been up WAY too many hours the past three days... going to bed.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Morning After...

urg... I was tired already yesterday... kept falling asleep at work. And what do I do? I let Twink talk me into going over to her house to mix records and drink. Wheee! It was a LOT of fun and I take full responsibility for my part in it (after all, I supplied the alcohol) ... but damn.. now I'm really tired. I got a box of donuts and three bookoos to get me through the day. I'm sure my heart is planning a revolt soon. Gonna need to tear up a dance floor to get rid of all this sugar tho. *ramble, ramble, grumble, grumble* ... anyway.. Yes... it was fun and yes... we'll probably do it again before the week is out... and yes... I'll bitch about the morning after again. I was going to write something clever next and my brain just wouldn't cooperate. This is a sign. More coherent thoughts later...

Monday, October 17, 2005

The Weekend

So Saturday, Stacy and I decided to just wander around Sarasota for a while to see what we could find. It ended up being an eventful day. Started out getting a bite to eat and then headed out to the Sarasota Square Mall. It was weird walking through a mall at 1:00 in the afternoon on a Saturday and seeing no kids about. Heck, there was hardly anyone there at all. Given what I had been seeing this weekend, I was wondering how any business could stay open with no one going out and doing anything.

Anyway, we checked out this cute Oriental clothing store and the lady there convinced me to try on a pair of jeans. I liked them and since they were 20% off that day... I bought them. Typical me. Next was Toyopia. Wow... what a great toy store! They had a ton of fun stuff! There was one thing I would have bought from them but fate would not allow. I was walking around the store and saw this girl and her dad looking at this adorable HUGE Ty teddy bear. It was pastel rainbow colored and was as soft as could be. They put the bear back and after they did I snatched him up and asked how much he was. He was just under $50. It was worth it, in my opinion. I was about to buy him when the girl came back and looked a little depressed that I had him. She was maybe 14 or 15 I'd say. So I said, "Ya know, I saw you were looking at this bear and if you want him you can have him... but if you don't I'm going to buy him." She asked me how much he was and I told her. She went and talked to her dad who came over and asked how depressed it would make me if they bought the bear. I told him that she saw it first and it was all good. Then I found out it was her birthday and it was a no-brainer. I said, "Well in that case, absolutely and Happy Birthday!" She was nice enough to pose for a picture with me and the bear too and I gave her my "Smile!" bracelet. I'm sure she'll give him a good home. Hope so because I really wanted him too!

After that, we hit Hot Topic and I found a tank and two t-shirts I liked. The rest of the mall was pretty blah so we decided we wanted to go up to Sam Ash... a dangerous place for me to be... but I wanted Stacy to see my dream machine. Hehe. On the way up there, I spotted a Joanne's and so we stopped there first. They didn't have and beads I was interested in but they did have a couple of new-sew pillow projects I liked and an easy-sew quilt. I picked those up and some rainbow butterfly appliques to iron on a pair of jeans I have.

On to Sam Ash. They didn't have my dream machine (the Fantom X8) out, which is a good thing, but they had the X6 out. I started playing Children and the salesman walked up and said, "Is that Robert Miles?" I was like, "Yup!" We started talking about how Sarasota used to be and he told me where the kids were partying in Sarasota now. I don't ever remember where he said... but at least I know where to ask! They also pointed us in the direction of the only Vinyl shop left in town... a place called Ground Xero... but on the outside it's called Headz Up Smoke Shop. So off we went there.

I found some old trance records there I liked and the Agent K & Deuce version of F-F-U-F-U-N-K which I bought for Rabbit. He was excited when I played it for him yesterday and told him it was for him. :) After listening to some records there we headed back to Stacy's where we sat and played records, talked about old times and ate pizza until our eye-lids became too heavy. The next day was the long trip back home.

I'm glad that Stacy and I got our friendship issues hammered out. It was really bothering me. It had apparently been something that was on her mind for several months now and I didn't know anything about it. I told her not to let that happen again and that if there was something between us to tell me about it because I can be very clueless at times. All the bleaching of the hair has soaked into the brain, I think (among other chemicals).

Yesterday, Rabbit and I worked on our remix track for a good 6 hours. It was frustrating at first because the track just wasn't saying anything to either of us at all. But with time and patience, we finally figured out where we wanted to go with it and it just took off from there. We're almost done with it too! Can't wait!

So all in all it was a good weekend. A couple other friends didn't fare as well as me though and that has me troubled right now. Twink and V both had bad luck this weekend. I wish they could have come and hung out with Stacy and I. * sigh * We'll make up for it next weekend... I guarantee it. :)

Anyway, that's last weekend. Of course, I have to be at work in a few hours (BLAH) but it was great to get away and chill out with my big sister for a while. No pictures (of course and as usual... I'm such a dumbass) but hopefully some next time.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Reconnecting with old friends

The drive here was very nice actually. There was traffic but it wasn't heavy and it kept moving so I made it here in good time. As soon as I got here, we went to TGI Fridays for lunch. After that we went to Michael's and then up to Sarasota to find a Vinyl shop. I had the chance to talk to Stacy about my "new to her" friends and what we enjoy and some of my extra curricular activities. She was very cool about it, said that she'd love to meet them with the understanding that she's not into anything extra curricular and not to pressure her about it. I told her that would never be a problem.

Sarasota has really changed a lot since I was here. After walking around and seeing all these restaurants and consignment shops where beatnik coffee shops, records stores and head shops used to be... I spoke out loud what was in my heart which was "Oh Sarasota, what happened to your bohemian heart?" It's sad really. It's turned into nothing but money. *sigh* I'm glad I'm in Orlando now and I pray this doesn't happen there. It was very depressing.

Finally found a place that sells Vinyl but none of it was categorized and it was all OLD OLD stuff. But I got some cool records out of it and stuff that I never expected to see in Vinyl again, ever. Might go back tomorrow. We found another music store but all they had were CDs. They did have some used CDs that I had been looking for so I bought those.

After that... dinner at Ho Ho's! Hell yeah! It's a Chinese restaurant in my old stomping grounds in Sarasota that makes THE BEST sesame chicken. Rather than making it the same as General Tso's and just adding sesame seeds, they do it right with a whit gravy that is to DIE for. Oh how I've missed it! I ate the whole thing. :)

Now we're back at her house and just chilling out. Dunno what's going on tomorrow but I'm sure will figure it all out. It's just been good to see her and hang out. More later.


Well, I just spent the last three hours backdating my journal with as much crap as I could find on my computer. Stuff that I had written in MySpace and stuff I had written on my old web site. The stuff from my old web site (even though it was public information then) is now semi-private. The more I get to know you, the more I'll let you get to know me. That's the deal. :)

Editors Note: I've since changed a lot of my private posts to public. They used to be friends only posts or private posts and the fact of the matter is, that creates a VIP section where I can spew about these people and then those people don't know and ... bleh. Fuck it. Here's my dirt... it's no filthier than anyone else's and maybe you might read and realize what to do or not to do in your own life. 'Nuff said.

There are a lot of gaps tho. There were times in my life when I just wasn't writing. It's not that there wasn't anything going on... I just ... didn't write for some reason. I might, as time goes on, reminisce and post some memories about times past. Who knows?

It was actually rather cathartic going through all these old posts, re-reading them and remembering what life was like then. I find it interesting when my inner strength shows up and when it fails me. I think different situations and feelings toward people and about people color how quickly these reactions take place and in what form. I read some of my old entries and think, God... what a mess I was. Then there are others where, after re-reading them, I am surprised to hear me chiding myself saying, "See? You had things figured out pretty well back then. What the fuck's wrong that you can't see straight now?"

If I find other goodies, I'll throw them up here. I'm gettin' to like this place. I think I'll stay. Guess I should upgrade my account to a paid one (shaddap Twink and stop grinning). Anyway, I'm off to get a couple more hours sleep before my long trip to North Port.

-+- PLUR -+-

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Feeling a little better

I had a chat with Twink tonite. Of course, we have chats quite often... almost every night. Sometimes I think I might maybe I bug her too much. Can't help it. Oh well. Anyway, life is better and that's all that matters. I still have that "marionette" feeling about other areas in my life, but I'll regain control by snipping one string at a time until I'm free again.

I have someone I need to talk to soon. It's not going to be a fun conversation or an easy one but I have to do it. Maybe she will surprise me and listen and hear how I feel. Maybe there's something bothering her about me that she hasn't had the guts to say. I don't know, really. All I know is that I'm tired of being at odds with people that I care about. If it's not one, it's another. It seems to jump from one person to another. The crazy thing, of course, is the way I think about things and get my head all screwed up. From a purely analytical standpoint, one would examine all test cases and determine what the commonalities are. What agent is present in all test cases that may be affecting the outcomes? Of course, in any case where I have had a conflict with someone, the only commonality is that I've been present in each one. So, logically I would be the cause of the problem. Well that doesn't help much though, now does it? There's only one way to solve that and that's not an option. So much for analytical thinking.

It's not easy to look at one's self and ask the burning questions. Did I handle my life appropriately? Have I made mistakes that I will be paying for throughout my life? Am I headed in the right direction? Will this course of action really take me to where I want to be or where I see others are that I want to be like but are not necessarily me? Argh. It gives me a headache.

I've been focusing on my purpose in life a lot, lately... and on what role I play to others, what role they play in my life... how my choices have brought me to where I am and where my next choices will take me. It's funny that I am starting to become even more independent and sure-footed now, tho, than I've been for my entire life so far. So many people make that happen early in life. I guess I had so much on my mind when I was younger that I couldn't focus on what life was really about, how to live it and live with other people in it. I've missed out on so much and sometimes just feel... left behind, trying to catch up.

I sometimes wonder if any of it will ever make sense. Maybe death is the ultimate orgasm. Maybe when we have an orgasm (the release of all the dopamine and serotonin and whatnot), it puts us into that realm where we eventually get to when we die... but without the need for a drug, physical gratification or the requirement of returning to the imprisonment of the physical body. I like to think that. It's gives me comfort, actually. But the truth is, I don't know.

Well, I'm rambling. I'll write more when I return from North Port. I'll take the camera (even though I never take any damned pictures whenever I have a camera with me).

Ready for Vacation

I am so ready for this little vacation now. Last night was kinda fucked up. Well, it was more than kinda fucked up but I won't go into details here. I've already posted my rantings in a private post that maybe someday I'll unlock... but until then, I need to sort shit out before I say anything. I've had a few too many experiences lately where my reactions were found to be overreactions in the fullness of time. So, I'm keeping my inner dialog to myself until I work some shit out.

I was very bothered. Irritated, angry, upset, hurt. Lots of things. Didn't realize the extent of it until I went to bed. Didn't get any sleep last night. Had very fitful and fucked up dreams. Kept waking up every 45 minutes or so. It was one of those continuing dreams where each time I fell asleep it just continued on from where it left off. Although I don't remember the whole thing... I remember enough to know it was like some whacked-out science-fiction version of Spun with me and my friends (and someone I don't know) playing the roles. So, now I'm way over-tired here at work and hoping just to get through the day. I'm going to have to call Stacy and tell her I'll not be leaving until tomorrow since I didn't get any packing done or anything and I don't want to drive to somewhere I've never been in the middle of the night. I'll leave at first light tomorrow.

It will be good to see Stacy again. Hopefully she can help me sort out some of this shit in my head. She's always been my big sister and I need her advice. It's too bad it will only be for a couple of days.

I learned how to play "Children" and "Fable" on the piano yesterday. I find that working out the songs of those who influence me helps me to better express my own feelings through my own songs. Sure would like to get some good solid time on the music workstation soon. But that will be a while, I guess. Still hoping to get CDs burned and some Vinyl pressed before the WMC next year. Time is short though. Gotta get crackin'.

Anyway, just posting some thoughts and feelings as usual. Nothing major to report until I figure out the scrambled eggs in my head. More later.

What Now?

Last night was all manner of fucked up. It didn't start out that way, though. Twink sent me a text message asking if I was driving. She thought I was headed to North Port last night. Eventually I got it through to her that I was wasn't leaving until tonite. She and Josh had had a fight of sorts and was going to to play pool. I offered to go with her and we decided to go to Trick Shots near my house. She called back a little bit after that and asked me to get in touch with V and have her come too. No problem. I couldn't get in touch with her though... but as luck would have it, as I was getting ready to leave, she was at my door.

So we all meet up there, get a table and some drinks and start to play. Throughout the night, the only two people playing end up being Twink and I. V chose not to play at all. And when Twink wasn't shooting, she was talking with V, feeding the jukebox, getting drinks or something. I was acknowledged some of the time... usually when it was my turn or if I had "not left her a good shot" or something like that. I felt like a computer opponent, to be honest.

It's not like they didn't try to work me in the conversation, though. I got worked in there several times. Both V and Twink started talking about my business and my man's business. All V ever seems to talk about is sex, boys, penis sizes, etc. etc. I felt like a conversation piece... again. Yeah, this isn't the first time. Maybe not always the same conversation or subtopic, but I'm quite often the focus.

I was doing really well too. I was handling things with grace and maturity. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt. But eventually I got tired. There was a point when V, who at the time was talking about Kowboi, said "tell me you wouldn't hit that if there was a way for no one to know" and had lilted her head toward Twink. I didn't know she was talking about Kowboi and thought she was talking about Twink. I told her no, I couldn't because I care about her too much. I could if there were feelings between us. She then proceeded to lecture me again on who I am, things I can and can not do, things I'm just not able to do, etc. I can't stand it when people make assumptions about who I am, what I'm capable of and what's in my heart and head. I fuckin' live in my heart and head... I should know, dammit.

It was a fucked up night. I went out to be a friend to someone who was in a bad mood and needed to get away and ended up ... in a bad mood and needing to get away. WTF? As we were leaving I realized I was walking quickly to the car but really couldn't stop myself. Just wanted to leave. Almost didn't get hugs before we left. I was angry and close to losing it but still maintaining some composure. V rode with me so I had to get her back to my house where her van was at. The only thing she was worried about was the money I spent that night. The money. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MONEY! Money is bullshit! It gets us some of the things we need and some of the things we want... but nothing that really *really* matters in the end. If I have friends, I don't care if I'm living in a trailer, a teepee, a mansion, or what the fuck ever. Friends that care about me, my feelings, my life, my interests, my hopes and dreams. Because I care about theirs. *sigh* I'll be dealing with this for a while, I know. It's a good thing I'll be out of Orlando for a few days. Maybe Stacy can help me put my head in order.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Looks like I'm goin' to North Port for the Weekend

So, I talked to my boss and he gave me Friday off. Yay! Tried to get in touch with Stacy to let her know but her phone is still in perma-voice-mail mode, I guess. Anyway, I'll get a message to her somehow. Planning to leave tomorrow night after work and stay with her until Sunday morning. Talked to Rob about it and he's okay with it. He can be pretty understanding sometimes. :) It will be good to see her again and we can finally hash out this business of her feeling like she's second fiddle to chopped liver or something.

When I get home Sunday, Rabbit and Heather are coming over so that he and I can work on that blasted track ... I swear it's like trying to breathe life into a slice of burnt toast. We had a working idea going but I'm not so sure about it right now. It just doesn't get me moving. If it doesn't get me moving, there's no point, IMO.

Been looking at new keyboards now. Blah... I can't stop. Just bought tables and a mixer... now I want to replace my keyboard. The Roland Fantom X8 is just so beautiful, tho. *sigh*. If I could get a decent amount for my keyboard I'd sell it. But it's only worth maybe $350 now. It's old tech. It can still drive external samplers and synthesizers via MIDI, of course... but it just doesn't have the features, it's not supported by Ensoniq anymore, etc. Blah. Can't afford a new keyboard for 3 grand.

Anyway, that's the news for now. More updates as I get bored and think about things I want/need to write about.

This makes perfect sense, actually. Explains a lot.

The Fool Card
You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins
the journey into the unknown. To do this, he
does not regard the world he knows as firm and
fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard
for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is
seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the
sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In
order to explore and expand, one must disregard
convention and conformity. Those in the throes
of convention look at the unconventional,
non-conformist personality and think What a
fool. They lack the point of view to understand
The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in
tradition as one who is closest to the spirit
world. In many tribal cultures, those born with
strange and unusual character traits were held
in awe. Shamans were people who could see
visions and go on journeys that we now label
hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with
physical differences had experience and
knowledge that the average person could not
understand. The Fool is God. The number of the
card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect
circle. This circle represents both emptiness
and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by
mountains and valleys or by his physical body.
He does not accept the appearance of cliff and
air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm a Jackass

Well, I finally got in touch with Stacy. After I wrote my last entry I called again. She was still asleep. I asked one of her housemates to ask her to call me back which she did. Apparently she's felt (for quite some time now) that I've treated her like a dirty little secret. Like I didn't want anyone else to know I associate with her or something like that. I won't go into the reasons why because that's not what's important. What's important is that she felt that way and has felt that way for a while.

I told her that I had always interpreted her behavior in the past as being someone who didn't really care for going out and being overly social. I told her that I had never intended to alienate her, hurt her or make her feel unwelcome in ANY way. It makes me so sad that she's been carrying this burden for so long. If I had known she was feeling this way, I could have dispelled it a LONG time ago. It hurts but I'm glad we had the chance to talk.

Of course, now she can't come here because she started working on her car and has made something that sorta worked into something that doesn't work. Something to do with the battery. Don't ask me to explain it, I don't understand cars at all. I know enough about how to put gas in them, check the tires and the oil and that's about it. Beyond that, I'm clueless. She's the brains there. So I'm trying to work out going to see her this weekend. I'll have to let Steven know that I'm going to be out of town since I think he was planning to come by. Just sent him a text message about it. Hopefully he'll get back to me about it soon. I was also supposed to work with Rabbit on a track this weekend but I feel this is more important. There are few things that I hold up higher than music... but friendship is definitely one of them. I might be able to get some time off on Friday, leave Thursday night... spend Friday and Saturday with Stacy, return on Sunday morning and work with Rabbit that whole day. That would work. I hope Rob understands... it's his last weekend before he starts working at GCS again and won't have any weekends. Argh... this could get touchy.

At any rate, at least we're communicating again. This is a good thing. Hopefully more good things will come from it, too. We shall see. Stay tuned.

Still no word from Stacy

I guess I should explain the whole story...

Stacy is someone I've known since about 1994-95, I guess. She and I were introduced by a mutual friend at church and became fast friends ourselves. Eventually, we became roommates as well. We had our ups and downs together, but we were two peas in a pod and it was obvious to anyone who saw us together. This was back when I lived in Sarasota.

Stacy fell into hard times at one point. Her job was all the way down in Venice and she had no car. My job was literally 5 minutes away by car. So I let her use my car to drive back and forth to work and I took the bus to work. This should give you an idea of how much her friendship meant (and still means) to me. I also let her use the car to see her girlfriend in Tampa on some weekends. I was enabling her, but to me it felt like loving her. One day, she got into an accident with the car. Given the age of the car and the damage done, it was almost a total loss. But I couldn't be without one, didn't want to trust another used car and couldn't afford a new one. So I ended up taking out a loan to get the car fixed. Couldn't even get the paint job the same. The car was silver and gray originally... now it was silver and gray with a gold hood and left fender.

I was seeing a shrink at the time. After tell her all this, she got... irritated with me and began to show me how I was enabling Stacy. That Stacy was not growing, not doing anything for herself because I was doing so much for her. My shrink felt this was the perfect time for me to change the relationship and help Stacy regain her self-reliance. I needed to tell Stacy that she had to find a place to live closer to work because without a car there was no way for her to get around. It initially put a strain on the relationship between us.

Time and distance changes relationships. My boss in Sarasota decided to be a dick and let me go for prejudiced reasons. I spent about three months looking for a job. Found a couple that changed their minds AFTER hiring me for the same prejudice. Then I talked with Bill Marshall of GCS. He took me in right away, tripled my exit salary at ASI within 2 months and treated me like people should be treated.

Within a few months, Bill decided he needed me to move to Orlando where the company was. I agreed, but that meant leaving all my Sarasota friends and starting over in a new town. As time went on, Stacy and I spoke less and less simply because of life's business. It's hard to stay in touch with people sometimes when you can't just drive over to see them. However we did still keep in touch and eventually she got herself a car and started to get her life back in order. We started see more of each other whenever she could get time off work and come to Orlando.

Recently, Stacy mentioned that she wanted to come and see me again. She has vacation time all this week. Her plan was to come last weekend and stay until this weekend. I was excited about getting to see her and hang out with her again. At the same time, there was a plan here in Orlando with my Orlando friends to go to a party at Mindchime's that first weekend. I told Stacy I had plans for that weekend and she said that was cool.

This plan changed, of course (as they do), when Mindchime never returned calls about the party. So, instead we all decided to hang out here at my house that Saturday night. Stacy called mid-week and said she couldn't make it because of financial reasons. I said I understood, but I didn't like it. I called her Saturday and asked how much she would need in order to come stay here with me and not affect her budget. She said, $30 to $40 dollars. I thought, that's ridiculous. Come and stay with me, I'll front you what you need. She agreed and said she would leave Sunday morning since she doesn't like driving at night and usually gets tired early in the evening anyway. I said great! Problem solved! Yay!

So later Saturday, she calls me back saying "who am I kidding?" She says her bags are all packed and knowing she's going to get to see me she won't be able to sleep anyway and that she was getting ready to leave right then. I told her that maybe she should stick to the plan because I was going to have a house-full of people she didn't know that night. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or walking into a situation where she would have to deal with a party going on while she tried to get some sleep. She said she understood and that it was all cool.

Sunday rolls around. At 12:30 I started getting nervous since she said she would be here at noon. I called her cell. No answer. At 1:15 I started getting more nervous and called again. Again, no answer. I then called her house phone and the people she lives with said she wasn't at home and didn't think she was coming because she unpacked all her bags the night before. I was like... WTF? So I tried calling her again that night with no answer. Sent her an e-mail too.

After not hearing anything still, on Monday I called her cell again, left another message. Caller her house phone and left a message with them. E-mailed who I think is her mom asking what's going on. I still haven't heard. I don't know if she's mad at me or if there's something seriously wrong. It's not normal for her to completely ignore me like this and it has me very worried about her.

I may take a drive to North Port where she lives this weekend to see what's going on myself. This really upsets me. I hope she's alright.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Credit Confusion and Other Stuff


So last Saturday, I decided to go out to try to find a particular loop CD for my music workstation. I wanted the Trance NRG CD. Since I knew that Sam Ash carries all of maybe 3 CDs at a time, I thought I would try Guitar Center. Rob decided to join me and we went all the way down to the one on south OBT. They didn't have it. But they had some others that I was interested in, so I bought them instead. I hate walking away from a shopping trip empty handed.

While we were there, I started looking at some tables. They had some nice 1200MK5 tables there for $469/each. They were also offering their Guitar Center credit card at no interest for 15 months. I thought... well hell, why not? So I called Twink and asked if she wanted to join us. I wanted her help in picking out tables and making sure I had everything I needed. She said sure. We decided to have lunch first, though.

Anyway, we go back to Guitar Center and I fill out the form. They went away for a bit and came back and said I was denied the credit. I was shocked! So, they decided to run it again. Same thing. Well, I didn't want to put that much money on another card so we decided to shop around some more. Eventually I found a pair of better tables for less. Yay!

The whole credit thing has been bugging me tho, so this morning I checked my bills. Everything's paid up so far, no delinquencies, no late payments, etc. I then ordered my 3 bureau credit report to see what it had to say. It still shows two old cards from 2000 and 2001 that had some late payments on them, but my scores were still 675, 685 and 675. In fact, Amex even raised my limit *AGAIN* without telling me. So what the heck was GC thinking?

All I can think of is that maybe it was a cosmically good thing. I got nicer tables for less money and I don't have another revolving credit account. But it still confuses me.

I still haven't heard from Stacy. It's beginning to worry me. It's not like her to simply not call when she knows she's expected. I left a message for her at her house and also sent an e-mail to who I think is her mom (all I had was a forwarded e-mail address so I hope it's right) asking what's going on. I really hope that girl's alright.

Looks like Rob has a job back where he used to work. He interviewed with Nick yesterday and really impressed him. I learned some other things about Nick that make me feel a little better about him now too. Maybe things are going to start getting better now. I hope so, they've been screwed up for a good lon while now. Anyway, more later. Off to work soon.

Friday, October 7, 2005

Lobotomize Me

Okay, not sure what all I'm actually going to say here so this will be just as much of a surprise to me as anyone else. I'm officially in purgatory, I'm fairly certain of that. I'm not unhappy... but I'm not happy either. I have no clue what has happened here other than perhaps, being a Libra I've managed to finally strike a balance. If this is balanced, tho... then someone please tip my scales because it's fucking with my head.

Things make sense in one light and are completely daft in another. Life seems grand when viewed one way... and totally pooch-screwed when viewed another way. Up is down and black is white and yet nothing has changed.

I know I'm not giving y'all anything concrete to slam your heads into... I know this. I can't decide if I'm being too scared (that life will change too much) or too brave (by shouldering this shit myself) by not provide hard details. I have already provided these details to some. On one hand, some say that nothing will change if I do not change it myself while others say that life will work itself out given time and patience. I think this is how I managed to end up in purgatory... this is how I ended up too well balanced.

Do I blame, accuse or in any other way condemn anyone that has tried to help me sort out my head? Not at all. Not in the slightest. I am grateful and thankful for friendships so deep that I can talk about shit that bothers me with them and not be tuned out. So those of you who have been providing said opinions... don't stop... keep me on my toes, please!

I guess maybe I really don't understand myself well. I am fully capable of establishing goals, making milestones and making forward progress in all this little shit of life that, by the end of it, will all amount to nothing at all. But when it comes to things that should really really matter... I'm as lost as a drugged up rat in a maze.

I know I'm not going to get anywhere with this post, so there's not much point in continuing it. If you've read this far, congratulations and thanks for at least making the journey to nowhere with me. I'll figure myself out eventually. Until then, at least it's a pretty carousel I'm on.

Tuesday, October 4, 2005

A little bit off balance

Okay, so I feel pretty spent right now. Last week had it's big ups and it big downs... with other things like breathing, eating, sleeping, etc. in between. I've been trying to put everything in perspective but I'm not sure what to compare it to, really. I've felt like my life has been a little bit off balance lately but... what do I have to compare that to, exactly?

Well, there's my parents. They've lived happily for 50+ years. They say they too have had their ups and downs but they never tell me the real contents of their ups and downs... just a general overall description where one whole day is summed up in about 2 minutes. I wonder sometimes if they ever really fought... said nasty things to each other... etc. From the way they tell it... life sucked but they had each other. Well, was it ALWAYS like that? And if so... wtf have I been doing wrong?

Then there's my friends. Some single, some not. Each with their own model of relationship dynamics. Some are like romantic comedies, some are like soap operas, porno movies, action/adventure flicks. You get the picture. Why has mine felt like an old Vincent Price film? The acting teeters between wonderful and melodramatic, the sets are sometimes cheesy and sometimes breathtaking, the effects are ridiculous but none-the less impressive, the concept is creepy yet still makes you laugh and the dialogue feels... forced and staged, yet obviously heartfelt.

I guess maybe I'm just hoping things calm down for a bit. Maybe some normalcy (whatever that is, Zaphod) for a while. Sanity. But that is rather subjective given that it's my life. So, if I don't know what normal is... how would I recognize it anyway? Argh... it hurts the head.

I know what I want and I know what I get. These things are not always congruous (in fact, they quite often very incongruous). I often find myself at odds with myself and therefore am having a great argument without another person within 50 feet of me. Curious that. Perhaps I am insane. Perhaps I always have been? Frell if I know.

At any rate, there are a few people that have been anchors for me in my attempt to divine what is true and what is false. Heh... true and false questions used to be the easiest questions of all... why do they seem like essay quesitons now?

Wow, I'm babbling (this alone is sure to bring forth a blog comment or two). So I think I'll go to bed. More coherence later, perhaps.

Sunday, October 2, 2005

Good Times

I can't begin to say how wonderful life has been lately. Last weekend, Twink, V, Heather, Rabbit, Ansley and myself all went to Ft. Lauderdale for Club X-It's last huzzah. Hosted by Euphoria Project, it was a great way to "Say Goodbye to Hollywood." So many DJs there... so many people there... fun times. And after that, we all went to the beach, met new friends and danced in the sand under the stars. How great is that?!

That was the *start* of my vacation. This last week, for the entire week, to celebrate my birthday, I took the week off. I spent some time reflecting on my situation here at home, helped Rob get his office (and our lives) in order, got the chance to spend a lot of time with V (which we rarely get to do), helped Twink get closer to landing a new and better job, got my garage cleaned, saw Rabbit and Heather off as they got on the plane to go to Vegas for their wedding and honeymoon, spoke with Kowboi and landed some contract work along with possibly getting some vocals for some tracks, worked on two new songs, lived life grand. :)

But I ended it the best way I could possibly hope for. I invited Twink, her kids, Josh, V, Twink's sister Laura and her family, and my neighbors for a barebecue. The kids and I played in the pool until the food was ready, we watched some movies, played some music, had a few drinks (the adults that is) and some great conversation. I got the chance to play some of my new work for Laura and her husband Jim gave me some great ideas for the great room and my studio.

The best part was the kids, to be honest. I miss having children in my life and hanging out with them is always a bright spot in my day. Being the last of 7 children and having 18 neices and nephews, it's amazing how much you realize that you're missing when it enters your life again. There's nothing better than the sound of children laughing and playing and having a good time. I know that they represent an enormous responsibility and that they're not always fun and games. But being a part of them growing up is a gift that anyone should be thankful for. It was a beautiful day too, so the kids had full opportunities to enjoy the pool and each others' company.

I want to thank everyone, all of my friends, for everything you've done for me and express how much you all mean to me. But there aren't words enough to do it. I hope the song in my heart will find it's way to my fingers and express itself soon. When it does, I'll be sure to share it. Thank you so much and may your lives be rich and filled with the same love you've given me this week.