Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Miss Stake

I miss him.  I say it quite often.  I miss him.  Every time I meet someone else, I miss him.  Every time I feel the way I did when I was with him, I miss him.  Every time someone makes me feel the way he made me feel, I miss him.  Every time someone says something or does something that he would do, I miss him.

I fucking miss him.

Friends tell me to get over it, get through it, get past it... especially since it's been almost a decade.  They say that the only one who's hurting from it is me.  I know I'm the only one.  I know I was the one that caused the whole relationship to begin, continue and end.  It was all me.  That doesn't change a damn thing.  The facts are there and clear as daylight to all, but it doesn't make anything less unbearable.  

We all need a reason to live, to keep going, to survive and press on... otherwise we wither and eventually die.   My reasons are getting slimmer and slimmer as I see friends accomplishing their goals, starting new paths with life-long partners, and needing me less and less.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't be at the same place I am now if things had been different before.  There's no way for me to know what the most recent past would be like if the distant past had been different.    I just know that I miss him, and tonight it really hurts... and I just needed to say it.

I've been missing him since before we split up.  It never seems to go away.  There's a "him-shaped" hole in my life that I'm having a helluva time filling.  He took the time to get to know me.  He loved me for me and we had a beautiful life together.   

Then suddenly it was as if there was a stranger in his place.  Same face, same smile, same body... different person.  Maybe he felt the same way about me... he never said it if he did.  

I wish that spirit, that beautiful person that I met about two decades ago would come back to me.  I wish I could be that person for a day to maybe understand where it went and I why it left when it did.  I wish I could stop.  

I miss him.  And I probably always will.