Saturday, September 23, 2006

Things are Bad, Life is Good

Yesterday was ... interesting. It had it's surprising moments, it's fun moments, it's heartwrenching moments, it's heroic moments. It was a series of moments as every day is. After work, Jose and I went out and got a couple of drinks at Applebee's. He was wound pretty tight from work and I figured he could use a friend to chill and get smashed with. :) That's always a good thing to have... a wing-man as he puts it. I really like Jose and Nyssa. They're so real and they're children are beautiful, smiling, happy bundles of energy. It was so fun to watch them get all excited over making candy bracelets. It made me ponder why we ever grow up. Growing old is inevitable... growing up is something that's sorta forced on us... to be responsible and be providers and caretakers of the next generation of hopefully responsible adults that will do the same thing and keep this crazy thing called life going. It seems like an exercise in futility when I put it that way... but maybe there's more to it than that and I just haven't put my finger on it yet.

Anyway, I digress. After our sojourn to Applebee's, I took him to get food for his family and took him home safe and sound. Nisa seemed a "smidge" updset and rightly so since he didn't call her when he said he would. I suggested he call but he said everything was fine so who was I to argue with what he seemed to know was alright and what wasn't? After dropping him off, I headed for home.

I got home to Orlando at about 10:30. Liz had done simply amazing things with the landscaping. I can never seem to adequately express the beauty I see and feel when I look and realize all that she does for the family. It is staggering and I become a total "Dee-Dee-Dee" in comparisson. It makes what I do feel inadequate until I'm reminded that what I do empowers her to do what she does and vice versa ... and then it's all good.

We put Taylor to bed and went to Bob's to prepare for a "relaxing evening." It was a good time. :) We sat and scoured the internet and played computer games and music and just ... whatever we wanted to do. I shared some of my recent entries in my journal with her and we talked about life and love and all that stuff. *sigh* ... Makes me wanna start the week all over again just to get back to that moment. :)

The morning was interrupted when Taylor came screaming out with a bug IN her eye. We've managed to capture it and have isolated it. We're gonna try to find out what it was because it was biting the shit out of her and it scared her pretty bad. Shortly after that, Taylor discovered that one of the birds that Liz rescued from the slacker on the gulf coast had died. It's feet were wrapped up in what looked like Liz's hair and Liz felt that it was her negligence that caused the bird's death. We don't know 100% what caused the poor thing to pass... and I did my best to assure her of that. The bird was, afterall, malnourished by the original owner, wounded and not in the best of health. Liz had taken the bird in to care for it and give it a better life. She felt like her actions or inaction had brought it to an untimely death. In the end, there are no words that can comfort someone when faced with death. We had a funeral and buried "Angel" in the yard. Taylor wrote a tombstone on a piece of pool tile that said, "Here Lies 'Angel' She was a friend to me." Perfect. Would that I could have such a testatment to my life by such a pure heart, I would truly be able to rest in peace.

After that, Taylor and I played in the pool for a while. I surprised her by jumping in the pool fully clothed. :) It was fun and we had a good time. I need to go to the other house today and finish what I started. It's not something I'm looking forward to but it's something I have to do. There are many other things that need to be done today too... but somehow I think today is not going to pan out the way it was planned. It never does though... but in the end it pans out the way it's supposed to.

So... with that, I'm off to continue this day and see where it takes me.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Free At Last.... Free At Last...

Well... apparently I have a lot to say today. Or rather... within the past 24 hours. I just had an epiphany and decided to write it down. I'm free. Free at last. Free from any care in the world. I still have responsibilities, sure. But I don't have to "care" about them. Nope. I still have people I love, sure. But I don't have to "care" about them. They can care for themselves. It's quite the refreshing feeling, actually. It's freeing. It's emancipating. I'm suddenly not lonely anymore. Why? I don't care! I'm suddenly not afraid of the future anymore. Why? I don't care! Yup. That's gonna be my motto now. I am the anti-care bear.

My epiphany occurred while tracing past events back to their fragile beginnings and realizing that no-one really cared about me either. They didn't care whether I made it or not. They loved me (and still do as far as I know), they accepted me (again, as far as I know this is still true too) but they didn't really give a shit, to be honest.

I've seen people that "care" about something. I've seen me "care" about something. It causes pain. It causes heartache. It causes suffering. Why? Because life is chaos and the people and events in our life are ruled by that chaos. Therefore life is change. When there is change in something you care about, if it doesn't meet what you were expecting it causes pain. Therefore you have to "care" for it and return it to what it was, the way it was before. But usually that or they that changed have no interest in returning to the way it was because they changed for a reason that worked for them.

So, why care? Just accept. Just accept and love and that's enough. Beyond that, it's not worth getting involved because it's just gonna change on you when you least expect it. Or, you'll find that it wasn't the way you thought it was to begin with (which is even more unsettling, actually).

So... to all y'all out there still giving a shit... here's to you. I hope you become as carefree as I soon.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Sometimes the Machine Wins

When I was a child... I was told what to do, when to do it, how to look, how to act, what to wear, and all that stuff. It was all within a certain set of parameters that met with the family's approval. But there were things I wanted to express. I didn't like the clothes, the colors, the mannerisms, the hair, the "overall program." Of course, expressing distress at being forced into a mold that others had been forged in didn't really go over well. I was frightened with the concepts that that would be turning my back on all that is good and right, that Satan would devour me, that people would shun me, call me names and blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah... a lot of us got that. But some of us just had less patience and tolerance for it. I had an extreme amount, it seems, until I managed to get away and learn about myself. That didn't happen until I was about 22. I managed to get through HS and most of college before I said "Fuck this, I'm out."

When I learned about all that life could possibly offer and that there were ways to express myself... holy shit... did I ever swing the opposite direction. In fact, almost everything I had been taught as a child went right out the window. All that pent up frustration of being told what to do was unleashed and I began a wild ride to the other side... quite literally in some ways. It was my way of showing my rage against the machine. It was my way of saying "FUCK YOU!" to the world I had come from and to say, "I'll do it this way and then we'll see how you like it!"

Perhaps for some it's hard to know when you're imposing a belief structure on someone versus giving them good advice. My parents never looked at me and said, "Ya know... you're getting close to that age where you're gonna want to be experimenting with sex and all that. Go for it... but be smart about it until you find someone that you care about." No... instead it was "Sex was created by God for man and woman only when they commit to each other and marry in faith to each other." What a load of horse shit. Sex is a basic life thing. It's something every species on the planet figures out in one way or another. Why did they feel the need to tell me something that wasn't true? I mean shit, they had seven kids... they MUST have figured that out at some point, right?

The machine called life controls us until death releases us from it's grip. It has several agents, genetics being one of them, nature being another. These two tend to screw with our heads for a while and make us do dumb stuff or brilliant stuff depending upon where our head's at at the moment. We can't escape it. No matter what we do, how hard we try, these agents will continually plague us throughout our lives. I find it hard to believe that anyone can truly escape their grasps without being a little touched in the head. Once "touched" it's hard to get "untouched." It IS possible though. Of course, depending upon what you've done while living in a dreamworld, it may not be easy to gather up the pieces and live life peacefully with these agents... and that's sorta where I am at the moment.

I've been labelled a true rebel. I've been called the poster child for raging against the machine. That my actions prove that I will not do what someone tells me to do simply because they think it's right and that's they way it should be. It wasn't always that way. I needed approval. Actually... not that so much. Approval is great, it's awesome. But I CAN live without it (it's not much fun... but oh well). What I didn't need was disapproval. THAT was the key. I did a lot to avoid getting shit on. It was easier to just go along with what people were telling me was true and how to live rather than to tell them to kiss my ass and do what I wanted. The price? Just my happiness.

Now the rebellion is starting to smooth out as I am no longer so concerned about what others have to say about my life. Now the desire to have a family is becoming a driving force. It's genetics and nature finally catching up to me after piety and rebellion have had their way with me. Peace at last because the machine wins. The challenge now is that I hear the calling and I want to experience the life I was denied ... but the physicalities of my situation make heeding that calling a little different than it is for most others I know. I've never been afraid of a challenge, though. I've become frustrated, aggravated, said "fuck it" on many occassions but I eventually come back to it once my head has cleared and I've figured out what it was that causing me to stumble before. I've heard that it just gets harder from here. That, of course, just makes me deleriously giddy. "And why am I bothering with this again? Oh yeah... I can't die yet, that's right."

Why am I bothering to write all this? Therapy, plain and simple. A way to get my thoughts out in some sort of coherent stream to an unconfirmed audience and just vent it all via textual regurgitation. After all, you always feel better after you throw up.

All I'm saying here is that I'm glad my life is starting to become more focused and more centered. I'm fond of saying that in order to find your center, you have to seek out the edges. I've sought out and found those edges and am finally starting to locate my center. It's a good feeling... but at the same time an empty one at the moment given the time lost. It is the ying and the yang of it. I look now toward the day that the machine winds down and finally lets me loose from it's grasp. I'll enjoy the ride as much as I am able and grab the opportunities that life presents me without shame or fear. I'll not look back on the ride so far with remorse or regret because it is counterproductive and I will not concern myself with what others think about the life I choose to lead, who I choose to experience it with, or why. That's my concern, not theirs. I'll not tell them how their life should be if they'll leave me to process mine the way I see fit in peace too.


Ya Know It's Just Been A Little...

Changed up my myspace a little bit. It's been somewhat theraputic for me, actually. Somewhere I can express my feelings with sound and visuals and not actually say anything... hoping that people get what I'm saying with what I show... because no matter what I say, it's taken in a way I didn't intended. Language is the worst fucking way to communicate an idea, a thought, a feeling... it's nigh impossible to truly express yourself that way and those who manage it amaze me... truly amaze me. I almost changed the music too ... but what I've got up there now hits me pretty hard so I think it can stay for a while longer.

I'm running late for work again but I don't really care anymore. If Dave wants to say something to me about it, he can. He hasn't said a word so I'm not worried about it if he's not. Yesterday was not a good day... there were some bright spots... Scooby called me and I got the opportunity to chat with he and KK for a bit... haven't done that in a while and it was great. They're doing so well... I'm very happy for them. :) They've been through a lot and they deserve all the happiness they get.

Yesterday I managed to do something that I thought was going to be a good thing and ended up being a bad thing. It's amazing how I continue to do the wrong thing for the right reason, the right thing for the wrong reason and can never seem to get the two lined up. It makes me a little shy to really do anything anymore. It's the beginnings of a shutdown sequence, in essence. Why should I bother if all it's going to do is cause more pain. Fuck it.

Anyway... I'm off to try to focus on some code and make some money. Whee.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Movin' On, Biotch

Bitch and moan, Bitch and moan...

And no one slapped the shit out of me. Fine, biotches... :-P

I woke up this morning smelling reclaimed water. Bleh. But I also woke up feeling empowered. Today's going to be a good day. Today, I am about me. Hopefully every day after this one will be the same way. Fuck everyone else. Everyone else is doing what they want... why not me? So fuck it. Meaning, reasons, feelings, emotions, blah-de-blah-de-blah. ARGH! I've had it up to my eyebrows with all of it. I'm a software developer and I know how to figure shit out. So if I can't figure out the meaning of life by now, I'm either a shitty software developer or there really is no meaning to it. Since I'm gettin' paid pretty well for being a developer... I think it's more the latter than the former.

So to hell with it all. Let it burn itself up, never to be seen again. I'm going after what makes me happy and if it makes someone else happy along the way... well fuckin' sweet. If not... I hope they get something that DOES make them happy or they can sit there and ponder like I did until they're tired of feeling like shit. In the end, that's what it's about... being happy. Feelin' good. Doing what ya want.

Today is a brand new day, folks. It's over. It's starts anew.


Sunday, September 10, 2006

The Path Of Destruction

The time has come. The time has come for me to shed the facade and the beliefs of my childhood. Holding on to ideas and dreams that will never come to pass has caused me nothing but pain when the fruition of those dreams do not manifest themselves in the way I expect. So why continue dreaming? Reality is cold, hard and unfeeling. It invades your personal space, it pops your bubble, it taunts you with beauty, cheer and happiness yet all it provides is death, pain, suffering and despair in the end. Believing in the beauty of this world is simply a way to hide away from it all. I've been hiding for too long. I've moved in to the land of make-believe and well... Fred's dead, folks... King Friday is no more. It's lost it's luster, it's become tarnished and soiled and I haven't the strength anymore to keep it cleaned up.

The reality of my situation is grim and one of little hope for a future, to be honest. I brought heaven to earth for a short time... and now I welcome hell. I took a loan out on the afterlife I should have had and used it in this life. It was fun, but the time for that grows short.

And so, I re-invent myself yet again. What I will be only time can tell, but it will be a shadowy reflection of my former self, that I can assure you. I alone will bear this torment, though. It is mine and no-one elses. Perhaps, in all that is true, it really is the only thing I can claim for myself. One by one as my commitments are completed, my life will change and will be revealed in it's true form... the beauty of the dark, the comfort of the cold, the peace of the grave.

To those that I hold dear to my heart, my nature will not change as they truly know me to be. To those who don't really know me that well... there will be some shock and surprise in store for them. Death smiles upon me and life itself cowers in fear of what is to come. I bask in it's embrace and welcome the change for that is where we're all headed eventually, anyway. Perhaps, this way, I can finally achieve some peace.

Saturday, September 2, 2006

Knowing when to shut the hell up

Learned something new last night... learned that it's wise to know when to just shut the hell up. I don't mean that in a negative sort of way... just a matter-of-fact sort of way. Sometimes, people just *need* to feel miserable, I think. They need to work through the feelings, not talk about them or deal with people trying to cheer them up and make them feel better. Of course, for someone who is used to cheering people up, can usually see the bright side of things or has trained themselves to look at life from a different perspective, it's a hard thing to just... "shut the hell up."

I hate seeing friends in pain of any kind and am just quite naturally geared to help provide a solution. This natural tendency of mine can be misconstrued as many things, it can also be taken advantage of. But it's just my nature... and I don't think I'll ever be able to change that no matter what I do. I can learn (and have learned), however, that when people are becoming more unhappy at my attempts to help/cheer them up... I should just back off and let them process what they need to process and know that when/if they want some cheer or help from me, they'll come to me. It doesn't make me feel much better... because in some ways I feel like I failed ... but as my dad is fond of saying, the only true failure is the failure to try... of which I've rarely ever been guilty.

So, I think about that and remember that I'm being true to myself and doing what is in my heart to do. It often means catching the brunt of people's hostility... or sometimes just a jab of it and not the full force blows... it depends on their personality, usually. Caring enough to "try to help" often illicits that response, tho. It's something I've come to accept and deal with. When I do see the joy of life come out in people, it's a beautiful thing. It's something I love to see. When people can sit back and think about the blessings they have and balance them with the adversities they have, it's wonderful.

Mind you... I'm JUST as guilty of "wallowing in pain and misery" as anyone. I know I've had my moments where I've been upset about something and no-one on this earth could possibly make it any better. Even if they really COULD make it better, it still doesn't change the fact that what happened to me was "fucked up" or aggravated me or irritated me, etc. It's something I try to keep in mind but I don't always succeed before irritating someone with my cheerful nature.

At any rate, it's something I've learned now and will try to keep it (along with the other life lessons I'ce picked up along the way) in the forefront of my mind. I just hope I don't end up becoming insensitive to people's needs in the process of learning to let people be.