Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Memorial Day

This past weekend was Memorial Day weekend. Memorial Day is one of those "remember our dead" days where those who established the holiday intended for us to join together in a spirit of thanks and celebration for the freedoms we have today at the cost of those who have fought to preserve them.

On Sunday, Sadao along with John and Jeremiah (friends from Melbourne) went to the Space Coast Pride event. It was the second annual event for that region and was covered by the local news. John took Sadao's pride flag (a rainbow flag with a Male & Male symbol in the upper-left-hand corner) with him and was "showing his colors" that day. Well guess what... he got in the paper. His picture on the front page. We saw this on Monday and were very excited and happy for him. We saw it online, though, since we live on the Treasure Coast.

In the online version, there were multiple comments about how wrong it was for people to wake up on Memorial Day and see a bunch of "Godless faggots" parading about on the day that was meant to honor our dead. The rants were amusing to me at the time because I find such bigotry so out-of-date and un-Christian that it's amazing to me that over 2000 years later there are still people who cling to a literal translation of a mythology rather than it's intended set of lessons.

Today, however, in my bevy of updates from around the internet, I saw this entry:

Remember Them As Soldiers

It made me pause and remember that there ARE those who have fought for their country and died who have been LGBTQ identified. I began to see yet another way to appeal to those who would bring hate down upon gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, transgendered and queers. We live here too! We fought for you too! Who knows? If some of those women that donned men's clothing so they could fight in the war had chosen a more "socially acceptable" path, it might have turned out for the worse! Maybe not, of course, but the possibility exists.

What's the point? The point is simple. You may think you're fighting for the right reason. But, in truth, there is never a good reason to fight. Fighting is a LAST RESORT ... which I pray never comes to fall upon the people of this Earth. Love is not possessive... neither is it controlling. It is accepting and freeing.

One day, I'm going to take all these little vignettes and put them in a book and sell them. If it changes JUST ONE person's heart from stone-cold to warm and loving, it will be worth more than anything I could make from the book.


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Sans raison d'être

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

Raison d'être is a phrase borrowed from French where it means simply "reason for being"; in English use, it also comes to suggest a degree of rationalization, as "The claimed reason for the existence of something or someone".

From Wiktionary, the free dictionary:

The claimed reason for the existence of something or someone; the purpose of something or someone.

Surfing became his raison d’être.

Everyone has one, or they wouldn't be alive on this planet right now. I'm not talking about some cosmic reason, I'm talking about a personal, realized reason. It's what keeps us going. It's the source of our happiness. It's what makes us tick. It's the most precious thing we have, really. It's something we want to share, yet it's something that if known (and taken away) can be devastating to life.

A kind, understanding and loving person will help you fulfill your raison d'être. Someone without those qualities will want to expose it in order to eliminate it.

My own raison d'être has changed many times. It's had to. I've either set my sights so low that I was able to fulfill it too quickly, or they were set so impossibly high that I couldn't figure out how to get there from here and gave up. It's a frightening thing to be without one, let me tell ya (although I probably don't need to tell ya).

It ties, pretty heavily, into another French phrase: Joie de vivre:

Joie de vivre (from the French joie, "joy"; de, "of"; vivre, "to live, living"; "the joy of living") is a term sometimes imported into English to express a cheerful enjoyment of life; an exultation of spirit. Joie de vivre, as one scholar has written,

"can be a joy of conversation, joy of eating, joy of anything one might do… And joie de vivre may be seen as a joy of everything, a comprehensive joy, a philosophy of life, a Weltanschauung. Robert's Dictionnaire says joie is sentiment exaltant ressenti par toute la conscience, that is, involves one's whole being."

In English common usage, the phrase is sometimes corrupted to joie de vie. This would translate to "joy of life" or "zest for life," rather than the more affirmative "joy of living." Joie de vive is another common spelling error.
Is it really all perception? How many times can one change their perception of life in order to keep going? I understand, now, why people have families and careers and such. It is their
raison d'être and gives them joie de vivre. So where is mine? Where has it gone? I miss it.

Part of the problem is when one makes another person their reason to be. My mother warned me of this. I have fought dilliegenty to keep this from happening. However her suggestion seemed inadequte at the time. Her suggestion was to have God be my
raison d'être. That's not an easy task for a being trapped in a physical realm. I have no physical, sensual experience of God. I can't see, hear, smell, touch or even taste God. I've been in situations where I've felt the "God experience" but based on the definition, I can't say that it's been real since it hasn't lasted.

If God is Love, and Love never fails, then God would never fail and never depart. I've experienced many things, in every tactile sense I mentioned before, that has brought me to that "God experience." But every time it fades I'm reminded that it's simply the dopamine/serotonin rush that I'm feeling and not really God. Why wasn't it God? It didn't last, that's why.

I'm fighting depression. Depression brought on by loss. How does one live without a
raison d'être after having one for so long? How does one simply change their raison d'être again... especially after they've already had to change it over and over and over again? The first question is more to the point, really. Living without one. That's a toughie. Without that... why get out of bed? Why go to work? Why bother eating, dressing, cleaning the house, making the beds, doing the chores of what's necessary in life? I understand now how addictions are formed... they fulfill someone's need for a raison d'être ... often without a true joie de vivre.

Even now, I can feel my spirits lifting just discussing this. It seems that the very quest, the very nature of my search is often part and parcel to my
raison d'être yet brings me little joy. Just enough to get me through this post, probably. Are we all just dopamine junkies?

I posted this picture on Sadao's Myspace account a few days ago:

It REALLY made me laugh! I posted it with "Who do these two cats remind you of?" See, the top one reminds me of me... while the bottom one reminds me of him. I envy that simple, child-like view he has, the ability to amuse himself (and others) in any situation. I only envy it, of course, because I used to possess that ability myself. It was when my
raison d'être WAS the joie de vivre. Is there a way to get back there without going back in time? Is there a way to push through this depression without falling back upon mythology that doesn't manifest itself in the physical world? If there is, I must find it ... or I fear my raison d'être will completely cease to exist. I know what this means, ironically. It means losing "everything" again... in order to find eternity. Death to old ways, Birth to new ones.

This post may have left you feeling bad for me. Don't let that happen! This is just my mental toilet time, I guess. I hope that someday I can be someone that others will look up to for inspiration, knowledge and wisdom. Having just said that, I know that experience must occur first. So, I best get started experiencing things.


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Sleepy today

Blah... okay... well, I spent some time updating this with all my old LiveJournal entries, Myspace Blog entries, and stuff from a website I developed and operated about a million years ago called "iamjenna.com" (I still own the domain but I haven't done anything with it since 2003).

That took a while! Is that why I'm sleepy? Naw... I'm sleepy because I'm back into Baldur's Gate (an 11 year old game that still makes me smile and still runs! today). Gonna do my best to actually FINISH the game this time.

Now I'm freakin' sleepy with 3 hours and 40 minutes left to go in the day.

My office has started using this thing called Yammer which is basically Twitter for businesses (speaking of which, I can now Tweet from my mobile phone to Twitter to Facebook... apparently MySpace isn't quite that advanced) ... so now I have to "yap" about what I'm doing every 15 minutes or so... or someone will wonder what I'm doing. ... ... ... ?!?!?!??

Mind you, they're right in wondering since at this very moment I'm writing in my blog rather than "yapping" on "yammer" about what I'm doing. Apparently my fingers, being an extension of myself, also can not be in more than one place at the same time.

Anyway... this is just a quick update so I don't forget that I exist... if you know what I mean.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

La la la

Good morning...

It's 7:12 a.m. here on the treasure coast and I'm waiting on laundry to finish so I have something to wear to work. *sigh* ... So... it seems it's been another month since I last wrote. You know what that means... a lot to cover and barely any time to write it all down in. I'll do my best.

Not long after the Pride of the Palm Beaches was the very first Miami Beach Pride Festival. Naturally we went. Expectations were high, so naturally it was a disaster. Honestly, the event itself was wonderful... Patti LaBelle was even there... so it couldn't be ALL bad. No, I'm talking about the personal drama.

Thanks to certain pharmaceuticals, there was more faggotry in the air than even a thousand homosexuals could muster up... and this was not good faggotry... it was bad, evil cat-fight, bitch-slap drama crap. Who were the players? Travis and Sadao. It was a mess, truly. Without getting into FULL details, Sadao tried to jump over a railing that would have ended up in about an 8 foot drop... in high-heel flip-flops... while blasted on Xanax. We tried to stop him. He ran off, Travis chased him to get the keys and started a fight.

On top of that, Sadao's car got towed, he lost his glasses, his shirt, his shoes and his bag which had had his phone and wallet in it. Travis, on the other hand, managed to keep all of his personal belonging (including his little goodie-bag from the various vendors at Pride). Did I mention that Travis was the one who supplied the Xanax to Sadao? No? Yeah... well... it was a mess.

So, after paying $190 to get the car out of tow (this after spending $500 on his car to get it worthy of the trip to Miami in the first place) we all got in the car to head home. Tensions were high and I knew that it wasn't over yet. Three hours in the car with Sadao, Travis, Dorian and Rachel (and her stolen dog).

We didn't last that long. 5 minutes, tops, and they were at it again to where Sadao jumped out of the car and ran off. We all waited (I know Sadao and knew what he needed) until he came back. I tried to defuse the situation as best as I could... but fate had other plans. When Sadao came back, we tried to keep Travis quiet so that Sadao could vent and we could get on the road. Travis had it coming, in my opinion. Sadao was cut all over and bruised from their scuffle. Travis looked little worse for the wear. Then it happened. Travis, in the back seat, hauls off and punches Sadao (in the front seat). Sadao loses it and lunges back at Travis, accidentally giving me a bloody nose in the process. That's when I put a final end to it. Travis was staying in Miami.

We got through the car fight and then headed home. I felt like shit for leaving Travis there but was also pissed off that he would continue to pick a fight with Sadao. Here they are, friends for five years, Travis has all his belongings and Sadao literally has only his shorts left. How does someone look at their friend who has NOTHING and continue to beat them down?

When we got home, I called Travis' mother and spoke with her about it. She was on her way to get him. They showed up at around 3 a.m. to pick up his dog, cat and a few items and then back to Port St. John.

He's gone now, for good. The next day, Sadao, AJ (Sadao's bf at that time) and I went to the Treasure Coast pride here in PSL. THAT was fun! The one day I don't bring my camer and he, AJ and Frankie ALL get on stage. *sigh* We had a bit more fun that night and I finally got to know AJ. I REALLY liked him a lot... for Sadao. It's the first time I've met someone that I thought was really good for Sadao.

But if you wanted to know about him, you would've asked him about it. This is my blog so I'll get back to me.

Since Travis has been gone, it's been quieter here, for the most part. About a week and a half a go I got the chance to meet someone from Facebook. His name is Guillermo. He's really sweet and I was glad we finally got the chance to meet. I drove down to Jupiter to this little place he suggested called the Square Grouper Tiki Bar. It's a quaint little place right on the water with live music... it was fun!

But nothing happens in my life with simplicity... no no, not allowed. We got a couple of beers and sat by the water to get to know each other. Sitting on the other side of me was a guy named Glenn. I know his name because we all got introduced to each other through the "would you save my seat, please" introductions.

Throughout the course of the night, I got to know them both a lot better and we all started getting inebreiated. It wasn't long before my T came out. Glenn just laughed because he had already figured it out, having dated a T-Girl before. Guillermo was shocked (I could tell) but he didn't run and hide... he stayed. Then, as the conversation continued, I realized that they were BOTH interested. This has not happened to me in a while. I had three choices. Guillermo, Glenn or None of the Above.

Guillermo is sweet as can be. He's laid-back, secure, never been married, but doesn't have a lot of drive or passion. I got a lot of "What?" from him when I would look at him. I felt like I had to carry the conversation. In my mind, I had already figured out that although we could be good friends, he wouldn't be able to satisfty certain needs in my life. (no wink there.. just honest).

Glenn is spontaneous, boisterous and fun-loving. He can carry a conversation, he's been married before and has kids. But he suffers from a lack of relationship confidence. I only know this because I've experienced it myself and can recognize it. The thing is, I don't know if I want to invest in that because of the way my own experience with it turned out. There's no point in learning that particular lesson from both sides of the equation... I can read the writing on that wall.

So, at around 10:30 I decided to leave and walked with Guillermo out to the parking lot. He had parked at the bar's lot while I had parked at a public access lot not far away. I kissed him good night and went to my car.... .... ... where I found a flat tire. Whee! It was a Sunday night ... 10:30... I'm an hour's drive from home. I pull the spare out and it's flat too and rusted.

SOOOO... back to the bar I go where I find Glenn... texting to his lesbian friend about his meeting me. He's still buzzed and is incredibly happy to see me (go figure, right?). I ask him for his help and he says sure. I'm thanking my lucky stars for this one. We put the flat spare on the car and took my tire to a gas station to fill it with air and some fix-a-flat. Then Glenn put it back on my car. All the while, of course, the conversation is about how great a date this is... how he can't believe that he's not getting laid tonight... basically alcohol and hormones chattering at me and I wasn't at the same level... had I been... I probably would have said fuck-it to the car and gone home with him. In this case, I'm glad my cooler head prevailed. I gave Glenn and kiss goodnight too and thanked him. I had hoped that after we had become more sober we might be able to get together again and laugh at that night and see where things could go. Instead, I got a couple of random text messages with nothing else. I even asked him when we could get together again... no answer.

So, the next day I took my car to Goodyear. All four tires needed to be replaced and a wheel balance and alignment. $500. So... I'm light financially... AGAIN.

In other news, the house STILL hasn't closed because the bank needed even MORE information. But now they're saying that this month it will close. Other than that, nothing else to report. More later.