Friday, March 27, 2009

It's Always Something

So... yesterday was pretty crappy. I won't get into the details but sufficient to say that just about everywhere I turned I was met with negativity for some reason. I did get one piece of good news though... my house in Orlando is finally under contract and they're hoping to close by the end of the month. The buyer is paying in cash, too... so this could work out very well. I don't know what they're buying it for and I don't know if there will be financial repercussions yet, but at least someone will have a house they can work with. That's important to me.

This weekend is the gay pride festival for the Treasure Coast. I've been looking forward to this for a while now as has Sadao. However he just found out today that he has to work tomorrow. His attitude toward life has gotten progressively worse and on top of that he's been blaming me for it. It's not been the best of times lately... but then they can't always be, can they. The question is how much can people take of what another can dish out. For me, it's getting precariously close to where I feel like I have to walk on egg-shells, keep all my comments to myself and pretty much steer clear of him... whether it activity or inactivity on my part, it just seems to upset him and I'm really over it. I miss my dear friend and would really like to know where he went... because he's not been around lately. I think it would be best for him to take some time off and just go visit some old friends of his and relax with them.

I'm considering talking to his boss about giving him tomorrow off or switching Saturday and Sunday around for him. *sigh* ... like I said in the title... it's always something. We were yelling at each other pretty hard core last night and I realized in that moment how young he really is... and how much he still has left to learn about life. He thinks he knows it all and uses his experience to take advantage of every situation he can. Mind you, we all do that... the difference (at this point in my life) is that I know I don't know it all and I'm cool with that. Eh... this has become a vent session (again) rather than a journal entry but it happens from time to time, doesn't it?

At any rate, I have no clue what the future holds and that sometimes frightens me... but for the most part I'm at peace with it. I hope it can stay that way.


Monday, March 23, 2009

Those "Special" E-Mails

So... I get these e-mails from my mother and others that talk about the "Secret to Happiness" or "The Key to a Happy Life" and such... the inspirational messages meant to remind someone who is depressed and focusing too much on the particulars of life to enjoy the little things and remember that that's what life is all about.

Forgive me if I offend here but... this feels a little like preaching to the choir. Also, in my case, it tends to reinforce the idea that I'm not happy. The logic goes something like this: "Everyone keeps telling me to cheer up. So it must appear to them that I'm not happy. There are several indicators here (i.e. everyone who keeps offering me well-wishes). Perhaps I'm not happy after all. I must not be happy or otherwise people wouldn't be trying to cheer me up. It would be counter-productive for someone to waste their time cheering up a happy person. I guess I'm not happy after all."

Yes, I'm getting tired of people trying to cheer me up about things that just happen in life to everyone. It seems like a never-ending cycle. It's like getting "Get Well Soon" cards ALL the time ... even though I'm out of the hospital. We don't do that... so why keep sending these inordinately sappy greetings to remind me to be happy? Just dumb, if you ask me.

Now, before I step on some toes here (too late!) let me say that I know that perception is everything. If someone is perceived as being unhappy, then those who care about that someone will do everything their power to lift that someone's spirits. It's a natural reaction. So once again, the key here is perception.

I think in reality people just like to have those happy, fun interactions with each other. If someone is in a "blah" mood, or they're tired or sore or achey or something like that, that doesn't necessarily mean they're unhappy. It's a very different situation.

So how do we create that happy, fun interaction with people without being "inspirational?" Easy... make them laugh. Engage their creativity. Pique their interest. Reminding someone that a half-empty glass is the same thing as a half-full glass does little more than annoy someone. Complaints about life's mundanities require distraction or assistance with resolutions for the mundanities, not simple platitudes pulled from some deep-thinker's ass.

Challenge me! Redirect me! Either provide me with a solution that engages my curiosity or provide me a temporary distraction from that which is occupying my thoughts. The first is a more direct approach and may not always work. If you're met with comments like "I know, it's just..." then more than likely I've already solved the problem and I'm just tired of thinking about it at the moment but can't seem to motivate myself. Proper motivation should be personalized based on what you know of me... not simple catch-phrases. And again, if all else fails, treat my mind to a break for a while. I'll regroup on the issue at hand later once I've had my fun.

For my own situation regarding these inspirational thoughts, I'm trying to alter my own perception and regard these as the emotional directive that prompted the sender to send it in the first place. Yeah... I'm gonna say it... "It's the thought that counts" *cringe*

So now that I've broken the very rule I laid down for everyone else, I'll close this diatribe and get some work done.


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

On My Coat-tails

Not long ago a spoke with a friend of mine who claimed she was "riding my coat-tails." This meant that she's following in the same footsteps I took, but not exactly. No-one ever thinks they're doing the exact same thing someone else did, right? "Well, their mistake was xyz but I won't make that mistake." Right?

The thing that people fail to realize in situations like this is that it has nothing to do with the actions, the steps, the "how"s if you will. It all has to do with the heart and the mind. It's completely internal. This is just how it happens to work. It's never the same experience for anyone, either ... but often ends up with the same results.

I listened as she described the situation and realized that she was, indeed, riding my coat-tails. She, of course, told me how it would be different for her because of certain situations... but I believed that the end result would play out quite similar... maybe worse in her situation, I dunno.

Now, there are a few people that want me to "talk some sense" into her. Since I already know what can come from heading down the direction she's headed in and where it can lead, etc. I should s'plain it to her ... as if I have magical faerie dust that I can sprinkle on her to give her complete comprehension of things it's taken me almost 4 years to sort out.

Well, I can't do that. I won't do it either because it would be an exercise in futility and frustration. It would also go against the natural order of how we learn. It's taken me almost 4 years to get my original "self" back and it's required a lot of sacrifice and mental and emotional trauma. I'm still not 100% yet. I only know this because I'm still blogging about it. If I were "okay" you wouldn't be reading any of this shit. And you know that's true.

So... what can I do for my friend? I can do what no-one else seemed to do for me. I can be there for her when she falls. I can help dust her off and remind her that life isn't set, it isn't fated, it isn't predetermined, it isn't to serve a higher being, it isn't anything like that. It's not certainty... it's doubt. With doubt comes thought and then problem solving and then solutions in action. She's been there once before... she just forgot.

All I can do is hope that one day we're off of each other coat-tails and walking side-by-side down the same path together. That would be nice. Really, really nice.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

That's What You Get

That's What You Get
by Paramore

No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, to take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt, so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why?
All the possibilities...
Well I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa...
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try... holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why? All the possibilities. I'm sure you've heard.

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa..
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

Pain, make your way to me. (to me)
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,
This heart will start a riot in me,
Let's start... Start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win!

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Battling Depression Again

When I get depressed, it's usually because I feel like I have no way out. For me, it's like being cornered. Some people fight, while others freeze up when they get boxed. For me, it depends on the situation.

For example, regarding my financial situation, I don't feel cornered, at all. I know that time will cure this ailment. I know what to do, how to do it. If I'm working on a project that is harder than I expected, I don't feel cornered (frustrated yes... but that's different). Eventually, I know I will find the answer.

When it comes to an inability to communicate effectively or interact socially, I get boxed in. There are those that I can communicate with very well... and those I simply can't. I don't understand this. Why is it that I am able to understand and make myself understood with some while others can't seem to grasp it... even when we're using the same language and even when we're under the same roof?

I've always said that the key to communicating with someone is learning how they communicate first, then you can communicate with them on their terms. That's usually better than trying to communicate with someone using your own dialog.

Apparently, to some, this looks like I'm copying them. Well, in a way, I am... but only in order to communicate effectively. I have no interest in being anyone but myself. And, here's a news flash, I'm not 100% sure what that is yet. Maybe everyone else has a road map to life... but I don't.

Monday, March 2, 2009

The Weekend

It was an interesting weekend. Friday night, Sadao and I went to see "Le Nozze Di Figaro" at the Palm Beach Opera. It was a fantastic performance! Dreyfoos Hall is absolutely beautiful. It was Sadao's first opera and I'm glad I was able to share it with him.

Saturday I went to the gym and worked out with the trainer, Joe. *sigh* ... He looks like a young Sylvester Stallone. After that I went home and watched Religulous. Truly a great piece of work by Bill Maher. Recommended viewing in my opinion. Later I went to a vinyl record store in the area and found a few hard-to-find 12"'s and a couple of albums I had on cassette when I was younger.

Sunday I had most of the day (and the house) to myself. I did some house-work and watched about 14 hours of 24 season 5. Yeah... it sounds crazy when I write it out like that... but at the same time, it's not like I wasn't active as well. I did get a lot of other stuff done, too (including laundry which was a good thing).

I've had a lot of time to think about life in general. Some of my friends are putting themselves and others through very trying times... like I have done in the past. I see it happening and I know what will come of it. I try to tell them what can come from their actions... and they do not listen. But then... what did I expect?

Success comes from making good choices. Making good choices comes from wisdom. Wisdom comes from experience. Experience comes from making bad choices.

So I think my experience is starting to finally produce some wisdom. Of course, I'm not saying that I'm this wise old woman, now. I've had to repeat some lessons. At least I'm recognizing that though.

At any rate, I have no clue what the future holds right now... but if I can start shaping it again, I'm gonna.