Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Miss Stake

I miss him.  I say it quite often.  I miss him.  Every time I meet someone else, I miss him.  Every time I feel the way I did when I was with him, I miss him.  Every time someone makes me feel the way he made me feel, I miss him.  Every time someone says something or does something that he would do, I miss him.

I fucking miss him.

Friends tell me to get over it, get through it, get past it... especially since it's been almost a decade.  They say that the only one who's hurting from it is me.  I know I'm the only one.  I know I was the one that caused the whole relationship to begin, continue and end.  It was all me.  That doesn't change a damn thing.  The facts are there and clear as daylight to all, but it doesn't make anything less unbearable.  

We all need a reason to live, to keep going, to survive and press on... otherwise we wither and eventually die.   My reasons are getting slimmer and slimmer as I see friends accomplishing their goals, starting new paths with life-long partners, and needing me less and less.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't be at the same place I am now if things had been different before.  There's no way for me to know what the most recent past would be like if the distant past had been different.    I just know that I miss him, and tonight it really hurts... and I just needed to say it.

I've been missing him since before we split up.  It never seems to go away.  There's a "him-shaped" hole in my life that I'm having a helluva time filling.  He took the time to get to know me.  He loved me for me and we had a beautiful life together.   

Then suddenly it was as if there was a stranger in his place.  Same face, same smile, same body... different person.  Maybe he felt the same way about me... he never said it if he did.  

I wish that spirit, that beautiful person that I met about two decades ago would come back to me.  I wish I could be that person for a day to maybe understand where it went and I why it left when it did.  I wish I could stop.  

I miss him.  And I probably always will.

Monday, July 2, 2012

War, good God y'all.


It seems I was wrong about something.  I've always said that the way to stop war is for one side to stop fighting, forcing the end of the war.  Within the strictest guidelines of terminology, that is true since one definition of war is a state of being between two or more entities.  But even without the war it appears that hostilities remain. Sometimes they stronger than ever since the war, at least, assuaged the hostilities.

So I won't try to stop war anymore.  Ceasing hostilities is more noble goal... but also a harder one to achieve.  You cannot exert control to cause the cessation of hostilities.  That takes time and absence.  Even death cannot cease hostilities.  In some cases, it can even cause hostilities to breed.

I know that love can do it, because love cannot exist where there is hatred present.  But it's not as contagious or as boisterous and pushy as hatred.  It won't force it's way into someone's heart... it has to be invited and accepted and cared for.  It is a very weak force of nature in it's infancy... but it can grow to be mighty and strong if cared for properly.

The older I get, the more I understand some of the words of wisdom passed down to me from those older and wiser than I.  They made little to no sense at the time, until I saw them in practice in my own life.   It's not an easy thing to love your enemies.  It's not an easy thing to watch your friends and loved ones wrestling with a hatred that you know will consume them if they let it.  It's not an easy thing to give of yourself to those that "don't deserve it" based on what the law and the dogma say.   But everyone has a breaking point.  At some point, the fight must end.

We reap what we sow, make sure it's love that you grow.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Yet Another New Beginning

I guess it's time to start writing again.  Again, this could be good or bad.  I think it's good though.  At least it's a creative outlet.  :)  After living in Port Saint Lucie, FL for four years, I have moved out on my own in my own place... a little duplex in Cocoa, FL.  It's different.

I've lived with other people since October 31, 2003.   That's when Rob and I got our place in Orlando.  I've not lived alone for almost 9 years, and the silence is a bit deafening.  My friends keep telling me things like, "You'll get used to it."  "You'll make new friends."  "You've earned the rest."  "We're just a phone call away."

Those words are appreciated, don't get me wrong.  And I know I've said those words to others just as honestly and with as much goodwill as they.   Doesn't change much though.  The only thing that did get me going was a good friend who had the guts to say, "You chose this, you know. I didn't have anyone there for me when I started living on my own either."

It felt, initially, like a rebuke.  Like I wasn't there for her when she needed me.  Not saying I don't deserve one... but who likes rebukes... even if we do deserve them?  Over the past half-hour I've changed my mind about it.  She's one of the few that won't come to my self-created pity parties.  She helped clear the fog that I was in.

At any rate, quick update... more to come.  I started working for a new company, run by someone I used to work for years ago.  I work from home, which is good and bad... those of you who work from home know what I'm talking about.  I'm also hoping that, given enough time, I can actually start revisiting my creative outlets of music again.  I've started to make a few tentative steps back out into that arena.   I'll close this entry with an example of that.  Here's a remix I made of David Guetta's "Sexy Bitch."

Peace,
Jenna


Friday, June 10, 2011

It Ends Today

All the conflict, all the worry, all the fighting, all the dissenting voices in my head. It all stops today. Today I learn the biggest lesson, finally. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired to trying to get my way and never getting anywhere with it. I'm tired of hoping someone will understand an try to compromise. I'm tired of people trying to tell me how to fix some part of my life when they don't really know what's wrong in the first place... and won't bother to actually look to see what it is that's wrong.

So today, I resolved to end it all. It will no longer be a concern for anyone. No one will have to hear me complain ever again. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. My life, as it was, is over and now something new starts. I will no longer fight the forces that try to control me. I will simply pick one and give it control... and remove all the other forces in my life. I've picked which one it will be. Everyone else will rail at my choice, but it doesn't matter. At least the fighting will finally stop.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Holy Shit... an Entry!?

Well what can I say... I couldn't stay away forever. :)

Life has been pretty busy, actually (obviously). My roommates decided to move out. Originally they had a plan that looked like it was going to work out pretty well for them, but if didn't work out (like most plans) and so they're living with one of the guys' mother. C'est la vie, non?

Now, I'm alone, again. I haven't lived alone in 7 years. It was 2003 when Rob and I got back together and bought a house. 2006, he and I split up for the last time and I moved in with Twink. 2008 I moved to Port St. Lucie with Sadao. He left at the beginning of this year, leaving John and Jeremiah... who left just a week ago tomorrow.

So... since I last posted, things have been busy. Now it's me and my cat Bishop ... and my new bunny, Dargo. I find I'm happy with it... but not... all at the same time. Regardless, there's not much I can do about it at the moment.

Work life is pretty good. It's been BUSY though. I've started making a plan of my own, but I'm keeping the details "loose" so the universe can't completely screw with it. Never put all your eggs in one basket... (unless all you have is one basket).

One bit of good news, I got started on hormones again. I can already feel them starting to do their magic, too. Kinda weird... it's been a few years now. But I'm glad I'm getting MY life back in order now instead of helping every one else. I guess it is time for me for a bit. I'm here until May... after that, I don't know what. I have some ideas, but as I already said... I'm not letting the universe know too much. It fucks with me more often than I would like.

I've been thinking about taking these notes, this journal of mine and committing them to a book for anyone who might want to be the maniacal ramblings of a 40 y/o tranny. I figure that if time is money and I'm spending my time writing it all down... I might as well try to get paid for it.

Yes, things are changing for miss Jenna. I'll probably be writing more. I've got a lot to do to this house before I can vacate. I have work to do on my car (or get a new one) and there are still adventures to be had. Getting there is the hard-work part. I always hate that part. But it does make one appreciate it that much more.

Anyway, this is just a quick note to update and remind anyone who might be paying attention that I'm still here.

Peace,
Jenna

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Diligence! It's important (yeah, right)

Okay... so every now and then I will click on a link (usually an ad) that piques my interest. This one said "Secret to Rapid Muscle Growth Discovered by Scientists." I was understandably curious. So I clicked on the link. I didn't think it was an ad at first.

I was directed to a site called Men's Best. It began discussing this safe alternative to steroids. It wasn't long before I realized this was an ad disguised as a men's health site. That's fine... as long as the information is credible. It was, in fact, giving a glowing review about a product called Force Factor that purportedly uses Nitric Oxide to boost muscle growth. I was reading with interest but at some point my brain went, "wait a minute... I don't know about that." Here is that point:

Nitric Oxide is produced naturally by your body when you work out, so you know it is safe.

Oh really? What if I replace the subject with Carbon Dioxide?
Really? This is called the soft and sleazy sell. "Oh, well your body produces this for making your muscles work better and harder... so you know it's got to be good for you!"

So, my natural sense of diligence kicked in. Over to Wikipedia I went and guess what I read about Nitric Oxide? Oh stop guessing, here it is:

Nitric oxide (common name) or nitrogen monoxide (systematic name) is a chemical compound with chemical formula NO. This gas is an important signaling molecule in the body of mammals, including humans, and is an extremely important intermediate in the chemical industry. It is also an air pollutant produced by cigarette smoke, automobile engines and power plants.

NO is an important messenger molecule involved in many physiological and pathological processes within the mammalian body both beneficial and detrimental. Appropriate levels of NO production are important in protecting an organ such as the liver from ischemic damage. However sustained levels of NO production result in direct tissue toxicity and contribute to the vascular collapse associated with septic shock, whereas chronic expression of NO is associated with various carcinomas and inflammatory conditions including juvenile diabetes, multiple sclerosis, arthritis and ulcerative colitis.

Force Factor is apparently loaded with this stuff. Still thinking about trying it? But then... who do say is right? Maybe Wikipedia got it wrong. It's not impossible. Maybe there's more to this Nitric Oxide idea than meets the eye. My gut reaction was to the soft-sell, of course... the "Oh you know it's good for you because your body naturally produces it."

Please... stop patronizing us advertisers. Talk to us like people, damnit... not like children. If you're going to talk about something that can easily be researched via the largest collection of information of all time, give us ALL the information yourself... not just part of it. Those who have gone before me weren't afraid to call bullshit on something that didn't sound right... I'm not afraid either.

Really people... diligence is important.

Peace,
Jenna

Monday, May 24, 2010

Damaged

I've not posted here in a while. Most of my internet addiction has been concentrated on Facebook lately... but I think I've finally kicked that habit.

Life has been an emotional roller-coaster ride lately all due to my interactions with one person. It's not been a fun ride, either. I like roller-coasters so perhaps I should give this a more appropriate metaphor... it's been more like torture.

It's important to be careful about who you trust in your life with any real information about you. Gender identity, daily activities, sexual identity don't count, in my opinion. We're sorta past these things and have accepted them about ourselves. Others who can't accept them ... well, that's their problem.

No, I'm talking about things you may have done that could REALLY come back to bite you in the ass. It's not even about trust, really. You can trust someone one minute and completely distrust them the next. The best litmus test, in my opinion, about whether or not someone is trustworthy is to see how they've handled some of their other past friends... and then make the determination as to whether or not they could (at some point) also do that to you.

This is practical advice, honestly. Of course, there's also the question as to why we even tell anyone our dirty little secrets at all. Maybe we secretly want to pay for our past "crimes" and are looking for someone to call us out on something we don't have the strength to bring out into the light ourselves. Regardless, one should be prepared for anything that might come from this.

Basically, right now, all this has left me so emotionally and mentally damaged I'm finding it very hard to trust anyone.... which is kinda shitty since that's all I really want out of life, honestly... someone I can trust with my secrets that won't leave... won't judge... and will stand by me through thick and thin. Someone who will help me find the strength to face my "crimes" and will, without a shadow of doubt, be there with me regardless of the outcome.

So far, still no luck with that. In fact, it keeps getting worse.

So, I have to clean my sheets myself. I have to deal with my past myself... without someone to talk to about them... without someone to encourage me and say, "it's okay, you'll make it ... and I'm not going anywhere."

Kinda sucks... but it's okay, I guess.

I'll write more about this past weekend later. Right now, I just needed to get all that off my chest.

Peace,
Jenna