Thursday, September 29, 2005

Hell Yeah!

So last night I was about to post a blog about some really bad stuff. My brain has been working overtime trying to figure out what has been going on in my life and my relationships. But as I was writing the blog, I clicked on a link a friend sent me and it wiped out my blog entry. I was frustrated. Then I read the link he sent and it screwed with my head even more. On top of that, I received another communication last night that also screwed with my head some more and so by the time the evening was through my head was pretty fucked.

I went to lay down on the couch to try to sort things out. I put in an episode of Farscape (because John's my man and Aeryn's my woman and Dargo's my... well... my Dargo). Anyway... I couldn't get all the events out of my head. That's when V came upstairs (she had been borrowing the use of my phone and computer) and asked if I was okay. I said, no not really.

I'm so thankful she was there because I started to become all unglued. There were pieces of me everywhere, really. But she guided me back to a time when things were beautiful and I finally put some pieces together that were missing from the giant puzzle... a puzzle I've been trying to complete for 7 years now.

I cried my eyes out. But it was such a cleansing, purifying flush of tears I can't even begin to describe. I went to bed and talked with Rob and told him everything I was feeling, told him what I need and what I want and finally ate crow for something terrible I did years ago.

This morning I woke up and things looked different. I can't explain how or why... everything just looked different. It's almost like Steven Wright's joke where he says that someone broke into his house and replaced everything in his house with exact replicas. It's the same stuff, but it all looks different.

I sat down at the keyboard and two beautiful melodies came streaming out that I hadn't heard before. Where they've been hiding, I don't know but I was gratified that they chose me to sing to. Then a phone call from Kowboi totally made my day even more spectacular.

This has been a fantastic and beautiful day so far and it's just barely past noon. :) Just wanted to share some good stuff. When it's good... it's real good!

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Breathe In, Breathe Out

In a few days I will mark the beginning of another year on this planet. Breathing in and breathing out mostly... with a few other things to keep me entertained and well fed.

I've been thinking about this day coming up. Been thinking about how we tend to change the way we celebrate them. When we're kids, every birthday is a celebration. Some times they're bigger celebrations than others... but there's usually presents, friends, games and junk food involved. Also, we're always in the present... not looking at the past or the future... there's too much going on in the now to think about anythiing else!

At some point in our lives, we trade the junk food for alcohol (or other substances), trade the games for parties, clubs, etc., and sometimes lose the presents (and sometimes friends) altogether. As this trend continues, we also start to ignore some of these birthdays and start celebrating only the ones that society has given some arbitrary meaning to ("lordy, lordy, look who's 40" or "the big 5-O"). We also stop living in the present. It becomes more of a look at what we've done in the past, what's still left to do... and that there's now less time to do it in.

Why do we do this? There's only one day less than there was the day before the birthday. It's not like it sneaks up on us. Why do we stop celebrating our lives on the planet with our friends the same as we did when we were kids? I guess we're older now... wiser... busier... more responsibilities... in a nutshell: "too old for that shit."


Not only do I plan to never get "too old for this shit," I plan to reverse the whole process. :) The older I get, the younger I'll act. It should be a lot more interesting having been through it once already now. Now I get to try it in reverse. :)

I am honored by all those that call me friend. Honored by those that celebrate my life as I celebrate theirs. If I could have one birthday wish, it would be that everyone who celebrates with me leaves all their cares behind just for that one day and lives in the present ... myself included because I'm just as guilty of the travesties I mentioned above. That would be just fine... no... it would be perfect. :)