Thursday, April 26, 2001

Weighty Subjects

Editor's Note: This entry is backdated from my old website I had back in 2001. I'd also like to add that I was obviously a dribbling idiot when I wrote this entry.

My transition astounds me sometimes. I'm am SOOOO becoming a woman, it's not even funny. As you know, I've recently had breast implant surgery. Well, after such surgery, when one feels well enough, they're eventually going to look in the mirror to see what they look like naked. It's inevitable. Well, I'm fat. Yes, I'm fat, don't try to tell me I'm not. My belly sticks out as far as my boobs do. What the heck is that about?! I just weighed myself... 152 pounds. And it's all butt, belly and boobs. So I've decided that it's time for a diet. Ugh. I hate diets. I went to the other day and checked out what some of the more popular diets are. Most of them are "not recommended." Well... if they're not recommended... a) why are they so popular and b) why do they even exist? If anyone has any "good diets" they want to share, let me know!

So, I'm having a "wake" for my junk-food life and becoming a rabbit-food eating woman. I have 2 2-litres of Mountain Dew left, one bag of Wavy Lays potato chips with french onion dip, and one bag of oreos. Once they're gone, it's off to the fat farm with me. It all comes down to bathing suits; which is silly since I never even go to the beach. But I don't want to look bad in a bathing suit. Why? I dunno! Because I'm becoming a woman! That's why!

This is not an easy subject for me to talk about. After all, I don't want to end up anorexic or bulimic. I simply want to look good naked. So y'all are gonna have to pray for me and my endeavors. Giving up fast-food, junk food, 7-11 hot dogs, McDonald's french fries, Long John Silvers' clams, BREAD... just makes me want to cry. But I know I can get to where I want to be.

Another weighty subject... the ta-tas themselves. Oof. They're heavy! Heavier than the forms I was wearing. My back has been killing me. Normally I can just twist and pop it... nope... not now. I try to twist and the muscles over the implants say, "oh no you're not... not for a while at least." It's truly medieval torture. But I'll get by somehow. I'm sorta rambling here now, but sometimes it's important to let the stream of consciousness just flow like water. I'll try to get my thoughts more organized next time. Until then, ciao.

Sunday, April 22, 2001

Bruises: Nature's way of making you go "ow!

Editor's Note: This entry is backdated from my old website I had back in 2001.

I'm feeling particularly wordy today, apparently, as I have written quite a bit today. I've got the new section on my breast augmentation up and running on the menu (the "New Software" link) and here I am writing some more here in my transition journal now. The past few days have been arduous. The week at the office was brutal because it was so short. Everyone was trying to extract as much information from me about what I do there as they possibly could... all in one day. On top of that, I had to somehow keep everything going. There are times when I really don't fathom how I keep myself together. Regardless, I still seem to be in once piece.

But now I'm feeling the effects of all the bruises caused by my recent surgery. The worst part about all this is... I have to massage the area where the surgery took place. Now, this doesn't sound like that bad of a deal... until you realize that the skin in that area is bruised as all hell... OW! This is simply a precursor tho...a taste of things to come. After all, I'm sure that when my SRS comes up... well... I'm sure there will be plenty to discuss about that when it happens.

It's not so much that's bruised... it's that it's bruised, I have to wear a bra around the bruised area 24/7 for three weeks, and I have to massage the area 3 times a day. And yes... I know ... "Well, you asked for this!!" That's another discussion altogether. Anyway, as you can see I'm rambling a bit. If you wanna find out the whole story, check out the new section. Until next time, peace, popsicles and poppies.

Tuesday, April 17, 2001

I'll take a window seat please

Editor's Note: This entry is backdated from my old website I had back in 2001.

I went to a support group meeting a few weeks ago. Tonite was another meeting, but I didn't get the chance to go. This week has been brutal since it's a short work week for me. Anyway, while I was there, someone asked me what my biggest "issue" was with my transition. That was easy for me to answer... the feeling of isolation. When I started my transition, I knew several people on the internet and had met a couple of friends in the area in Sarasota. Stacy became my best friend and dear sister to me. But since I have moved to Orlando (December 8, 1998), I've felt this ever-present feeling of isolation. "Does anyone out there actually FEEL like I do!?"

This transition is one of the most daunting transitions one could attempt. Whenever people transition in life (single to married, unemployed to employed, husband/wife to father/mother, etc.) there are always people around them, close to them, to help them through it. During this transition tho, I don't have people helping me through it.... I seem to have spectators. People watching from the outside, commenting on the process and lauding my courage and wherewithal.

It's a lot like being in solitary confinement. I just want a window! A friend to talk to, a sister to journey with, a mother to guide me, a confidant who really knows what I'm going through. Someone who's been there, done that, or IS there and doing that. But, for the most part, I've had to stumble around in the darkness by myself.

I mean no offense or otherwise to any of my friends online. I would probably be going completely stir-crazy without them. But it's just not the same as having someone there who REALLY knows. Rob tries so hard to be that person... but he doesn't walk in my shoes (which is a good thing as I doubt they'd fit). He's a DEAR friend to me, but he can not possibly understand the "innerspace" that I deal with day in and day out.

Why am I writing all of this? To give you some insight into the loneliness that every transsexual goes through. Loved ones like my parents, my family, my friends, my co-workers make life in generable bearable and at times quite enjoyable. But none of them can "see within" like a true sister can. Someday, I hope to find that sister. Whether she be just starting the journey or has traveled on before me matters not. Just someone to hear me scream, weep, laugh, vent, etc. about the things that make t-girls so... "special."

Monday, April 16, 2001


Editor's Note: This entry is backdated from my old website I had back in 2001.

This morning finds me a tad apprehensive, but mostly excited about this week. On Thursday at 8:00 a.m., I will be falling asleep via the admission of anesthetics into my body. Why? Breast augmentation. This is something I've thought about, and thought about, and thought about even some more. I've weighed the pros and cons heavily in trying to decide if it's right for me or not. That's when I remember that life is supposed to be a series of choices, not decisions.

Many have stated that I should wait longer to see what the hormones will do over a greater period of time. Although this may sound rash to some, I'm tired of waiting. The more I wait, the more stagnate I feel. It's time to press on. Based on what I know about what hormones can and can not achieve, I believe I have realized my full hormonal potential at this time. This may change, of course, once the natural source of androgens is no longer available to my body. If it changes drastically, well.... there are surgeries to correct that too.

In most transsexuals, confidence is what generates believability in others. That reaction causes more confidence to form and the cycle churns until it's as natural as breathing. This has also been the case for me. However, there are times when, in order to promote that confidence, one must take another step toward their immediate goal. They're called milestones.

In the software development world, milestones are set to keep the programmers from going nuts. If one tries to view the entire picture all at once all the time, one will get overloaded by the amount of work there still is left to do. Milestones are set to keep focus and to create relief. For one a milestone is completed, a genuine sense of accomplishment descends upon you... like an opiate. The trick is not to fall back on your laurels. The next milestone is approaching. This surgery on Thursday is my next milestone. While in the overall grand scheme of things it is but one step... by itself, it is a monumental achievement.

I'll discuss more about the surgery, what it's going to entail and the preparations involved later. But I needed to get at least this much... off my chest... (in order to make room for other things, I guess).