Monday, May 24, 2010


I've not posted here in a while. Most of my internet addiction has been concentrated on Facebook lately... but I think I've finally kicked that habit.

Life has been an emotional roller-coaster ride lately all due to my interactions with one person. It's not been a fun ride, either. I like roller-coasters so perhaps I should give this a more appropriate metaphor... it's been more like torture.

It's important to be careful about who you trust in your life with any real information about you. Gender identity, daily activities, sexual identity don't count, in my opinion. We're sorta past these things and have accepted them about ourselves. Others who can't accept them ... well, that's their problem.

No, I'm talking about things you may have done that could REALLY come back to bite you in the ass. It's not even about trust, really. You can trust someone one minute and completely distrust them the next. The best litmus test, in my opinion, about whether or not someone is trustworthy is to see how they've handled some of their other past friends... and then make the determination as to whether or not they could (at some point) also do that to you.

This is practical advice, honestly. Of course, there's also the question as to why we even tell anyone our dirty little secrets at all. Maybe we secretly want to pay for our past "crimes" and are looking for someone to call us out on something we don't have the strength to bring out into the light ourselves. Regardless, one should be prepared for anything that might come from this.

Basically, right now, all this has left me so emotionally and mentally damaged I'm finding it very hard to trust anyone.... which is kinda shitty since that's all I really want out of life, honestly... someone I can trust with my secrets that won't leave... won't judge... and will stand by me through thick and thin. Someone who will help me find the strength to face my "crimes" and will, without a shadow of doubt, be there with me regardless of the outcome.

So far, still no luck with that. In fact, it keeps getting worse.

So, I have to clean my sheets myself. I have to deal with my past myself... without someone to talk to about them... without someone to encourage me and say, "it's okay, you'll make it ... and I'm not going anywhere."

Kinda sucks... but it's okay, I guess.

I'll write more about this past weekend later. Right now, I just needed to get all that off my chest.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

How is that my problem?

So it's been 5 months since I last wrote... that's a hot minute or two, isn't it? A lot has happened in my life, that's all I can really say... and yet nothing has really changed that much. Typical. It's the inevitable curse of the one who wants to know how all the magician's tricks work. They want to be the magician. Problem is... there's no-one left that wants to be mystified. It's an imbalance, you see.

Okay... this may ramble a bit, sorry... try to keep up (I'm struggling to write it so you should have to struggle to read it... I try to keep things fair).

What happens when all the wonder is gone? When there's nothing but cold hard facts and there's no mystery anymore, what do we have left to wonder about? Well, we can start to wonder why we were so curious in the first place and back track until we figure it out. But then we're right back where we started from... with nothing left to wonder about.

But that's not what I was going to write about... because I actually DO have something to wonder about, still. I wonder why it is that people don't see the obvious. I wonder why it is that people make stories about things rather than take them at face value. It strikes me very odd.

I have a friend who thinks that I think he's the reason for my happiness. He honestly believes that I've pinned all my hopes and dreams on him... yet we are not even in the same county, let alone the same city. I know for a fact that the things that bring me the most joy are the things that I will protect and pursue with great fervor. Like any other human on this planet... whatever it is that gives us that "high-on-life" feeling is what we will defend to the death.

Now I have, in the past, placed my hopes and dreams upon people. But I have also learned (the VERY hard and emotionally damaging way) that people are typically not worthy of my most prized possessions (i.e. my happiness). They'll run off with them. They have been consistent about it. Yet people still believe that I am "hung up" on the idea. Or at least, that's what they say. However, ever since the invention of lying and sarcasm I find it difficult to even believe what anyone says anymore either. True sensory experience is about the only thing that I can 100% believe in, anymore.

It boggles my brain to hear some of the crap I hear flowing from people's mouths day-in and day-out. I am actually quite a simple creature. I do not need a story to explain my existence. I do not have to assume ulterior motives for reasons certain people are in my life. I'm an excellent hunter gatherer. I am also not a half-bad nurturer-provider (if I do say so myself). But the primary reason that people are in my life is simply due to what I can hunt, gather and provide. If I weren't around, they would find someone else to provide for them (or do it themselves). It's simple economics and social patterns.

When people tire of what I provide, or if I place a price upon those provisions that is outside their comfort zone, they leave.

I'm also fairly certain that this same principle is part of what causes people to create the stories they create. My theory is that in order to justify themselves and their stance or position, they must continually point out the perceived inordinate price-tag of my provisions and attempt to invoke guilt within me to compensate and get a better price.

These emotional rapists are everywhere. It makes me wonder if I'll ever find a true equal at all ... and if I do, what would be the point of us showing affection toward each other as we would both consider it to be fake by this point.

My brain hurts. What really hurts is that I have, occasionally, found people with whom I could just let my hair down... and when I do, they run away with the aforementioned prized possessions. It's a catch 22. In order to achieve the peace of mind I so desire, I need to be able to let my guard down and be completely vulnerable with another human being... but the very reason my guard is up is that people always disappoint me when my guard is down... which is what I wanted in the first place. It would seem to follow that all I really want is to get hurt... when I don't... not really.

Eh... I'm tired ... both tired physically and tired of this subject. So, I'm out.