Saturday, July 30, 2005

I don't understand... Oh wait, now I do.

So, say you have a problem. Maybe someone or something created it for you but usually it's one you created for yourself and you know it. There's this still small voice that tells you what you need to do to resolve it. It feels right. It gives you so much peace to think about the solution that it's almost euphoric. But yet you don't listen to it. Why is that?

I think we all do it... I know I do and I know when I'm doing it. How do I know? Because I feel miserable when I don't listen to it and try to find a "more comfortable" solution or one that won't cause "social change." Yes, I guess I'm talking about being selfish here. But.. it's just ish. Just being self....ish. Like when someone says "Are you hungry?" and you say ... "ish." Why do we beat ourselves up for it? Are we that undeserving in life? What horrible sins have we committed that have affected the global, national, state-wide... hell even city-wide communities by being a little selfish? Nothing really, right? I thought so.

I don't understand why we do this. I've been beating myself up for a perceived slight from someone else that I also perceive resulted from them feeling slighted by me... yes... a PERCEIVED slight. There's something to put myself in a week-long funk for... rather than do what the little voice says and talk to the person I think slighted me and feels slighted by me... or so I think, at least.

In this scenario, I can tell you it's because I think so highly of that person that even showing the slightest hint of imperfection scares the living daylights out of me. God forbid I let them know I'm human... heavens no. Why? Because it's hard to show someone I love and care about that I'm not perfect. Not that I think I'm perfect (ha! perfectly batty, perhaps)... but I want to be perfect for the people I care about. I never want to make a mistake with them.

I think people in general don't want to look at ugliness, especially their own. I know I don't. Of course, I'm talking about actions not physical looks and shit. That's one reason why I try to never be ugly to anyone even if I feel they deserve it. The "they may have started it... but I'm not going to perpetuate it" type of thing.

But what I always run into is what do I do when I feel like someone I love and care about has been ugly to me? Regardless of whether it was conscious or not... it still feels that way. One would think that THAT's the person you SHOULD be able to say, "Hey, what's with this? I'm confused, I don't understand your behavior" to.

I admire those that can do that. Sometimes it seems I can deal with the things that don't matter easier than I deal with the things that do matter. Sometimes the things that do matter to me don't matter to someone else... and vice versa.

Ah HAH! Maybe that's it. Say I make a decision to do something based on what matters to me without thinking about whether it matters to someone else... not out of conscious malicious forethought against anyone but simply because it didn't occur to me to think that way. Then I find out that that decision DID matter to someone else. And that someone else is ALSO someone that matters to me. Now I'm in the situation where the other person feels slighted because it occurs for them that way when it was just me being .... self... ish. Language is a terrible way to communicate, isn't it?

Now this compounds within me because the person matters so much to me and I worry about making it worse somehow so I say nothing. I guess it pretty much boils down to cowardice, doesn't it. Grrrrr. I hate being a coward. But... at least now I understand a little better. I guess just writing it all down is enough sometimes, right? Never too old to learn something about yourself, as they say.

I guess the thing to learn here is that just because something doesn't matter to me personally doesn't mean it won't matter to someone who matters to me. The trick is to realize that it DOES matter to the other person and to acknowledge that it matters to them.

Personally, I've never done anything to intentionally hurt anyone that I can ever recall. By my actions, however, people have been hurt despite my best efforts to find a "more comfortable" solution. Where I will absolutely draw the line is anything that affects the health or liberties of myself or those I care about. Some people disagree with where I should set my limits in concern of my OWN health and liberties... but I know what I can take and what I can't.

What I can't take, more than anything else, is someone I care about feeling that I've purposefully slighted or hurt them. If I tell you I love you, you can take that to the bank. If you think otherwise, let me know... because I'm probably unaware of it. I can often times be dense as a brick. I also promise to face my own cowardice from this point on and let you know when I'm feeling hurt. Y'all might need to beat me to get it out of me tho... and yes, I'll probably enjoy it. :)


Friday, July 22, 2005

38 hours... awake and sober. WTF?

Alrighty then... it's been 38 hours since I last had any appreciable amount of sleep so I have no clue what this post will be like... but it seems like the thing to do at the moment.

Things started going weird Tuesday when something in the database decided to replicate itself ohhhh.... a couple million times. This created a cavalcade of conundrums that cocked up everything. This has led to my issues of late... being awake... 38 hours... sober... with no end in sight. *sigh* But I'm with good company. My boss is hangin' with me with drinks and snacks to keep us going until everything is resolved. Happy happy. Or as happy as one can be.

Listening to the Future Sound of Breaks... waiting for a phone call from a guy who's planning to leave us about a database no-one cares about... except our clients. WTF? I'm losing it.

If all goes as planned (Insert "Tom Hanks from Money Pit" laugh here), we'll get this shit sorted and I'll still be able to go out to a party with good friends tomorrow night. If, however, Murphy pays us a visit... uhm... that dude needs to chill out.

Anyway... not much else to say. I'm beat... if I'm not at the party... please send someone for both Jason and I. We could use the break.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Build your house upon the rock

I grew up in a Christian household of 7 kids. I was the last... a surprise as my parents call it. I've had several benefits from this. The most harped on, of course, is that I got away with murder... whatever... not really... just manslaughter.

In reality, the biggest thing I ever got out of it was my sense of right and wrong, my morals, my ethics, my values etc. They're all based on what Christ said in the Bible.

I was a student at Anderson University, a "Christian affiliated" college. Which means I had to take some Bible courses and go to chapel twice a week. I decided if I had to take these courses, I wanted to really study it. Study the records of surrounding cultures, archeological data, etc. More than just a "Bible Study Group" with credit hours. I learned a lot about my own beliefs and my own faith based on what was corroborated by other cultures and learned what I had to accept on faith. I also began to learn and take to heart the truths that lie therein... truths that span all cultures regardless of ideology.

Some of these have come into play recently in my life. Scriptures that talk about forgiveness, turning the other cheek, shaking the dust from your feet, etc. have all come back to me recently, giving me strength in my convictions and my actions.

One came to mind today about the wise man who built his house on a rock versus the foolish man who built his house on the sand. When the rains came, the wise man's house stood firm while the foolish man's house was destroyed.

But what happens when what you thought was rock turns into sand?

The foundation for my life for several years now has been my relationship with my significant other, Rob. We've had storms that we've weathered and we even took a year off at one point to make sure that we were meant for each other before taking the plunge into a full-on life-long committment. There were other reasons for that breakup too, but afterwards, I was committed and built my hopes and dreams for the future on the strength of our relationship, the promises we made to each other and the love we have for each other.

It's not hard to tell where this post is going, I guess. Disney says that "true love conquers all." Maybe so. But at the moment, it feels like the storms have finally chipped away the veneer of rock to reveal nothing but sand ... and my house is sinking quickly into it. Maybe choices in my life have brought me here. Maybe all I'll ever get is ... pretty sand. Maybe it really is rock and the house is just... settling. I don't know.

Some say run from the house before it falls apart and buries me. Others say stay true and weather the storm... it will eventually subside and any damage can be repaired... that it simply reveals that which you need to repair BEFORE the house falls apart. But when you're questioning the very foundation... the house itself becomes immaterial, doesn't it?

I could go into all the details, but it does nothing more than perpetuate the endless stream of opinions, warm wishes, chastisements, etc. that inevitably come from such a display. I guess the only reason I bring all this up is why we blog in the first place... to vent... to share our feelings and hope that someone else out there knows *exactly* how we feel... and that maybe *they* have an answer. But answers are optional... just a knowing look and a hug will do today.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

4 weeks later...

Yah... I guess it's been a while since I posted in here, eh? Lots to tell, lots to tell. So where do I begin... hmmm. Well, the weekend after my last post was a party at Twink's. That was an absolute blast... oh yeah... :) Let's see... many movies, much music (kudos to dorrmat!), people getting eaten by a big blue thing resembling a sea anemone, glowstick flipping, a big blue weener, and the occasional "wtf?" all added up to a good time. :) No? You had to have been there.

The weekend after that? Tennessee! Hell yeah! I had never actually spent any time IN the mountains before. I had driven THROUGH them on the interstate... but I had never had the pleasure of really enjoying them. Twink and I went up to North Carolina for a couple of days and then Gatlinbug for a couple of days with her kids. Couldn't have asked for a better vacation. Good times with your best friend ... nothin' better... yeah the drive was somethin' fierce (especially the drive back) but it was far out-shadowed by the good times.

Hmmm... weekend after that... (a.k.a last weekend) ... well, back up a little to Thursday night. My neighbors came over and lounged around in our pool (with the solar panels working now for some odd reason) and Twink popped by. Rob and I were scheduled to go to Tampa that weekend but Dennis the Menace changed our minds. So instead... we decided to all get together at my place for a little... R&R. :) However, very little of the first R occurred until like... Sunday. ;) It's funny how a little get together can suddenly become a party. But... I didn't really hear anyone complaining. By the way... I highly recommend spongepainted walls. I'm so happy I did it now. :)

Move forward to Tuesday.... woke up with my left eye swollen shut. Hmm... doc??? Turns out to be another corneal ulcer. I had one of those before in the other eye. Luckily this one didn't do much damage either and it's being resolved as I type.

Eco is on his way to Seattle soon. In fact, in 27 hours, he'll be on a plane headed there (by way of Atlanta and Denver). I will miss him very much. He has his faults yes, we all do. But if it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't know the people I know today... would never have met Twink, and would never have realized that I was walking through life pretending to enjoy it and not really enjoying it. Thank you, Eco. God bless ya and I hope things work out better on the west coast than they did here.

This weekend we're headed off to Tampa for what we were supposed to do last weekend. Looks like Emily isn't going to bug us so we're cool. More fun stuff ahead of us too. Life continues rolling on and the future is brighter than ever now. So, until next time...

P.S. Fantastic Four.... Hell yeah! Reed Richards is the BOMB!