Sunday, December 16, 2007

Happy Ferret Day

So today Twink and I are heading down to Coconut Creek to adopt a ferret or two. :) This is a happy day for me. It will make up for yesterday, that's for sure. I think I really blew the interview yesterday. I dunno, they seem like a collection of cool cats but I realized that the technology gap that exists is pretty wide. It's not something I can't overcome... but it's gonna take some determination and hard work to get caught up on all that has happened in the world of computers while I was wasting away at GCS. But that aside, like I said, today is a happy day!

Things have felt very peaceful and "right" since the sale of the house. I feel more relaxed and more focused now. I didn't realize how much of my energy was being sucked away by that place and that man. Slowly but surely, I'm getting my life into a more manageable state.

I also get to meet Bill today. Twink has been buying parrotlets from him for a while now and he has another that she's interested in. He's on the way so it's gonna be a cool thing for both of us.

I threw out a ton of shit last night. More still to throw out/give away. Stuff I don't need, stuff I don't want, stuff that means nothing, stuff that brings back bad memories, anything holding me back from the new direction my life is taking. It feels good... cathartic even. Anybody wanna buy a bed?

Anyway, more later.

Sunday, December 9, 2007


Wow... this is going to be a long read... I hope you're sitting comfortably. If so, then I'll begin.

I just woke up about an hour ago after getting some MUCH needed sleep. It's just now 4 a.m. on Sunday. I've been asleep for about 8 hours so I think I'm lucid enough to tell the tale.

Friday Daytime

Friday, after work, Sadao, Brian and I all were to go to Miami for Euphoria Project's Rapture event at the 66 Nightclub. Given the party was to start at 8 pm and it's a long drive, I planned to leave work early so we could get there when the party started. That morning, I couldn't find my badge or the Radixx phone. So I left for work without them, knowing I'd have to come back and find the phone and get it to Darrell at some point (he agreed to swap on-call weekends with me so I could go to the party). I left work at 4 so I could get home and hopefully find the phone and get to him and we could get on the road ASAP. I got home and tore the place apart but could not find either the phone or my badge. Sadao had had a rough night and was ready to get out of Orlando immediately so I figured I was probably just going to end up missing the party since I couldn't leave Radixx in that situation. I needed a cigarette. The box I had was empty and I knew I had another in my bag. I opened my bag and what did I find? Both the phone AND the badge were in there all the time. I even had them at work with me! ARGH!

Friday Evening

Brian ended up staying at home. That's a LONG story filled with drama of ridiculous proportions that I won't get into. Suffice to say, it was just the Crazy Twins that ended up going to the event. Sadao and I took off and went to drop off the phone. We ended up finally getting on the turn pike at around 7. We made pretty good time and made it to the club at about 10:30. The party was scheduled to run from 8 p.m. tpo 10 a.m and was just getting started, so we hadn't missed much.

As we walked around, we started meeting some of the folks there and started checking out the stages. We never DID find the DnB stage, which is a bummer because I really wanted to see Danny Bled. Steven gave me a CD of Danny's a long time ago and I was looking forward to hearing him spin. We ended up spending most of the night up on the roof in the House/Electro/Breaks area. Rabbit and Mad Hatter, Skylab 2000, DJ London, and plenty of others that were just tearing it up on the roof! While we were up there, we met some of the most wonderful people! Angel, who did body/face painting and photography took our picture for the website (hoping to get a copy because it was adorable). Ellie and Kris ran the hookah lounge where we hung out quite a bit... it became our "Safe Zone."

While we there, we saw Monk and Bunny spin in the main room. We also caught the last bit of Divine and emilyPLAY... man that girl can sing! But the highlight of the night was Bunny. Sadao was still somewhat wrapped up in the drama he had experience the night before and Bunny's set just made it all disappear. I took a picture of Sadao during the set which says it all... the look on his face was priceless. I gave the creator (and Bunny) a big thank you for that. The rest of the night was magical. :)

Saturday Morning

After seeing Bunny spin, we were both ready to just chill and hang out with the new friends we had made. So, back up to the roof we went and hung out at the hookah lounge. As the night wore on into the morning, there were a couple of times that they tried to shut down the event... but the place was filled with rebels that kept the part going until 8 a.m. when it was finally shut down about 2 hours earlier than expected.

We stayed a little longer and helped Kris, Ellie and their friends clean up their area and pack their car. As a thank you, they gave us a hookah! Sadao and I were completely stunned and so thankful to them! We hugged and cried and said our goodbyes. Now, at this point, I need to mention that we parked in a secure area across from club Area 51... which is quite a hike from the club we were at. They had shuttles going back and forth from the parking area to the event. Since the party was shut down early and since we had stayed to help clean up, we missed the last shuttle. So, I racked my mangled brain (by this point) to remember the address and we started walking. After doing a big circle, we eventually found the car. Yay! Sadao had driven his van to the event. On the way home, we stopped to put fluids in the van and started the long journey back to Orlando.

Saturday Afternoon

Mile Marker 223 Northbound on the Florida Turnpike. Sadao and I must go back there at some point and have a picture taken of us flipping off that marker. For it was there that the van stopped. We were just 22 miles away from Kissimmee/St. Cloud, 35 miles from Orlando when his car started smoking. We pulled over and what I thought was antifreeze at first, suddenly gave way to the smell of burning oil. Oh boy. I called my dad and he warned me that there might be damage to the engine. We hoped for the best and began walking north. The next service area was only 6 miles away (we thought it was closer but come to find out it wasn't). I was filled with a sense of peace and calm during all of this. I had never experienced something like this. A few years ago, I probably would have been very frightened, upset and angry at all of it. But instead, I kept my wits about me and we started walking. About 3 miles down the way, we were picked up by the State Farm Safety Patrol. He took us the rest of the way to the service area where we got a tow to Serrone's Auto Repair. While we waited for them to diagnose the problem, Sadao and I went to the Rodeo Diner just across the street and put some much needed food in our bellies. Tired, stinky, worried, we ate and kept each others' spirits up. After eating, we went back to hear the report. It wasn't good. It had apparently run so long in an overheated condition that it completely warped the valves and head gasket. The damage? About $1200 to repair.

God Bless Sadao's heart. He was upset but he took it in stride and stayed focused. He called his dad to tell him what had happened. They eventually decided that given the age of the vehicle and the damage, it was better to sell the van to the auto repair shop and look for a new vehicle when he can, later. I called Heather (since she lives 10 minutes away from where we were) and she agreed to give us a lift home.

Saturday Evening

Exhausted, broken and ready to call it a night, we made one last stop to end the evening on a peaceful note. We went to a little smoke shop on University and picked up what we needed to use the hookah. It wasn't long before we had it all figured out and were enjoying some Strawberry flavored tobacco and watching TV as we let the recent events pass by into memory. Then I went to bed.

All in all, I must say that this was a cathartic experience. Sadao and I talked quite a bit and had a wonderful adventure together. I will never forget this weekend. The experience has left me more focused and determined to carve out a better life for myself and those that important to me... those willing to walk the journey with me.

New challenges await. New adventures await. Now it's time to get them started.


Friday, December 7, 2007


Here's a little game that Jose turned me on to. You play the part of a little seed that wants to be an oak tree. You have to figure out how to learn about the different trees and navigate from a desert island to where the oaks are.

Click Here to Play Sprout!


Thursday, December 6, 2007

Lunch and Vespers

Went to lunch today with Jairo, one of my co-workers. He actually bought my lunch too (what a sweetie!). Anyway, we went to this place called Ristorante Italiano (and yes... it was an Italian Restaurant, imagine that) on Lee Vista. Great good!

He ordered their spinach and atrichoke dip as an appetizer and wow... could've made a meal between that and the garlic rolls! It came in a bread bowl and was just tremendous. They basically took the idea that all the chain restaurants had and put an Italian spin on it with garlic and parmesan cheese and carrots too.

The main course was Fettucine Alfredo with Blackened Chicken. YUM! I haven't had blackened chicken in a while. I was reminded of the first time I ever had that. It was at this little restaurant in Indianapolis called "The Jazz Cooker." I don't know if it's still there or not. It was converted from a house into a restaurant. While you ate, from time to time, the jazz musicians would walk around throughout the house playing jazz tunes on horns, flutes, guitars... anything portable, stop at tables and jam for a bit and then keep moving. It was a fun little place. :)

Jairo's a sweetie, I like him a lot. He's also a musician and composer and is working on some new music. I hope someday we finally get the opportunity to sit down and write some music together.

I managed to get one of my other co-workers to swap weekends with me regarding the on-call cell phone which means I have this weekend free now. This means I'm free to go to Miami this weekend with some friends to the Rapture party.

I've been called a party animal with the air of disdain that someone uses when they attempt to create an air of oppression and guilt upon another. I've been labeled and judged for my actions and inactions like the rest of us. I've had some time recently to really think about all this without the influence of another person feeding thoughts and ideas into my head and have come to the realization that I am what I am and it's not a bad thing. I've tried to find a solution to life's problems that suits everyone and have busted my ass doing so. I've given until I had nothing left to give and then I've stolen on top of that.

The truth is that I have learned, now, to accept myself and my likes, hates, wants and needs for what they are. More than that, I'm starting to like them again. I'm beginning to see through the clouds that swept in so quickly and changed my life so drastically and realize that I've done more for others, in general, than most EVER would.

Tooting my own horn here? You betcha. It's my horn, I'll toot it, thank you very much. If you don't want to read it, there are millions of other pages on the internet. Find one.

It's time that I make the changes necessary in my life to ensure my own survival. Others must do the same for themselves as well... but no longer at my expense. I can finally say that I have a friend that will not ask anything of me, will not require anything of me, and will not judge me by his own standards. His only request is that I do what it takes to make myself happy and out of conflict with others.

I will try, one ... last ... time ... to make this happen without injury to anyone (financially or otherwise). But as I have been taught by example to stand up on my own two feet and accept what is mine (including my responsibilities), I know that if I have to be the bad guy, so be it. If your right hand offends you, cut it off that the rest of the body might be saved. It's a VERY old-school way of thinking, but it's kept humans going for centuries.

So with that, I bid y'all a good night. Be good to yourselves and others. Sometimes that means knocking the legs out from under them... and letting your own legs get knocked out from under you, too.


Too Many Forks

They say (yeah, I know... who listens to them anyway) that choices you make in life are forks in the road and that once you choose a path, make the best of it. It would seem that someone's dropped about four dozen forks in my road. That's how it feels. So many choices and trying to pick the one that makes me happy without completely destroying the lives of those I care about is not easy.

I would much rather say "to hell with it" ... sell the house to one of those nuts that buy houses, quit my high stress job, get a mindless job where I can make a modest living, find a nice quiet place I can nest in, get some animals to keep me company without giving me emotional trauma, write some music, play some games, dance and sing, and avoid the ridiculousness of humans altogether. As Max Von Sydow would say, "Kill them all! Let God sort them out!"

It's just a matter of heart-ache. I know my limits, it's not hard to figure that out. But I see heart-ache and suffering around me all the time and can't seem to see the goodness anymore ... or at least VERY rarely. When I try to bandage it and help out, the people I'm helping just keep picking at their wounds and never take the steps necessary to fully heal and get themselves back on their feet again. That's the way it's occurring for me, anyway.

Personally, I have every option in the world available to me. I choose to dwell in the darkness with those trapped there until they figure out that they don't have to stay there. It's frustrating as all hell... but the word I've been given by my inner voice is that it will be worth it and not to give up. Been considering finding the source of that voice and bitch-slapping the shit out of it. :-D It's not that I disagree with the voice, just wish it would shut up so I can think and get something done. :)

Anyway, enough upper-middle-class whining. I put some new tracks on my myspace music player. I'm starting to really hate MP3s tho... I can hear the compression in the music and it's disturbing. It makes me long to hear a live performance of the music with about 10,000 of my favorite perfect strangers. :)

Well, I probably should log off this thing for now and get some work done. More later.


Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Mister In-Between's Got My Balls

My parents first introduced me to this song. It's what's needed today to face the trials of life without losing one's mind. It's not easy to do sometimes. But if we don't, we'll all be lost.

(Johnny Mercer / Harold Arlen)

You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene

(To illustrate his last remark
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they do
Just when everything looked so dark)

Man, they said we better
Accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
No, do not mess with Mister In-Between
Do you hear me, hmm?

(Oh, listen to me children and-a you will hear
About the elininatin' of the negative
And the accent on the positive)
And gather 'round me children if you're willin'
And sit tight while I start reviewin'
The attitude of doin' right

(You've gotta accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between)

You've got to spread joy (up to the maximum)
Bring gloom (down) down to the minimum
Otherwise (otherwise) pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene

To illustrate (well illustrate) my last remark (you got the floor)
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they say (what did they say)
Say when everything looked so dark

Man, they said we better
Accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
No! Don't mess with Mister In-Between

Wanna Go To Heaven? $12.95 please.

Okay, I know I'm wasting valuable time here but dammit this was just too damned funny to NOT post.

Click on this link: Reserve A Spot In Heaven

See y'all there. Hope the check doesn't bounce. :)


Follow-Up to the Lawsuit

Back in October, I posted a blog about a police officer that was suing a family for injuries she sustained while on call at their house. (Click here for the original blog entry). Well, there's a follow-up to that story here:

Police officer fired after suing family of near drowning victim

Yes, even though she dropped the lawsuit, they fired her for bringing "public ridicule" to the agency and "damaging it's reputation."

*snort* .. **ahem** .... smirk... giggle....


Sorry, I just have to laugh because I'm tired of crying. They make it sound as if the agency had this spotless, pristine record with the public and that she single-handedly caused the fall of the agency's public image. Uhm... sorry but, in my eyes, any organized group of people that makes an attempt to control a mass collection of life forms is going to look a little foolish from time to time (more often than not, really). I'm sure they were well on their way to a place of ridicule well before she made a
personal choice to make the lawsuit.

It was a
personal choice after all, as they stated before. The agency didn't sue the family... SHE did. Yeah, I'm taking her side on this one. I'm not saying what she did was right... but she did retract the suit, attempted to make peace and now her family is in dire straits for it. Karma? Or perhaps the old adage that "no good deed ever goes unpunished" applies here. I dunno. I just find it extremely frustrating that throughout all of this, they still didn't figure out how to be good to one another. Typical.

I swear... I think the Florida sun bakes people's brains... either that or they've got some good drugs and aren't sharing. Typical again.


Dazed and Confused

So I got an e-mail today from someone who found an old ad of mine on a transgender dating site. I thought I had pulled them all but apparently not. Check this out.
Good Evening Dear Am **** By Name,
A Sexy Looking Girl Single Never Married,Today I Came Accross Your Profile In This Site And I Have Intrest In You Thats Why Am Contacting For Us To Have A Friendship. In A
Short Form Please If You Feel Like We Will Be Friends Fine And Please Mail Me Back So That I Will Forward You My Photos And Introduce My Self To You More,So From There We Will Get To know Each Orther.Mail me With This Email Address (address deleted)
Thanks For i will be waiting to hear from you as soon as Possible.
Big Kisess And Huggs.&**** !

I have some thing good that i will like to share with you, as you Respond to my Mail.
In a short form? Sounds like an application doesn't it? Relationships don't happen this way, dammit. There's no indication of WHAT she might be interested in about me. There's nothing saying much about her other than she's a "sexy looking girl, single and never married." That can describe a LOT of people. Is it really that hard for someone to be real?

*sigh* At any rate, there are other things going on. Like needing to find a new place to live... again. Long story that I won't go into because it hurts the head. But, I can tell you this... I understand what it is that's been bugging me about roommates, lovers, whatevers in general lately.

I know what I'm looking for now. The best description is that of's success. In order for them to succeed, they had to each trust each other and all be on the same page. They took ALL the money they had between them and put it on black on a roulette table in Atlantic City. They took a risk and it paid off... but they took it together. No one held anything back. It was "Vegas or Bust," baby. That's what I'm looking for. Someone (or someones) that won't hold back. Trust, faith, love, hope... all of it.

With my current roommates, sometimes I feel that vibe... sometimes I don't. Given my situation, that makes me about as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Add on to that that time is of the essence. I think what might be a better plan altogether is to find a place I can handle on my own. Then, if they choose to stay with me and help me out, that's great. But if not, I've no need to sweat it. I get overemotional easily (just read a little of my blog and that's plain to see). It's a hard habit to break, unfortunately.

But having realized that the problem isn't an inequity of finances or work or resources or anything like that... but rather an inequity of trust, I understand my nervous feelings now and why I've been stressing out over it. I've been dealing with that for a while: trying to figure out exactly what it is that has gone wrong in relationships and friendships in the past . It's a trust inequity. I've been through the wringer too many times now to put my WHOLE ass on the line with someone not willing to put THEIR whole ass on the line too. So, there it is.

Actions speak louder than words, don't they? So, I guess I need to act for myself and see who follows. Then I'll really know "the truth."


Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Your Scene

So a shout out to DJ Dorrmat who introduced me to the site I'm about to tell ya about. It's called Your Scene. There you'll find links for several different genres of electronic music and mixes posted by various DJs. You can either listen to them online via their streaming server or download the mixes for listening offline. I've added it to my list of links too. Right now I'm listening to a progressive house mix by Allen Richards.

Go check it out. :)


Monday, December 3, 2007

A love so good, it makes you cry.

I guess maybe different people qualify friendship in different ways. I discovered something wonderful this weekend. My beliefs were validated, my actions confirmed and the great distance I have traveled in my life's path has been worth all the emotional and spiritual pain I've put myself through.

The details are extremely personal and I will keep them to myself. But I'm here to say that last night, someone saved my life... figuratively and quite literally. Two someone's actually. I've been walking... nay, running actually down a path that has been so self-destructive from feeling of worthlessness that I simply couldn't get past. They culminated and came together this weekend in ways that I never expected.

Many others have given up on me in the past. I was a lost cause, a total screw-up with no future down the path I was going. Well this weekend I fell... and fell hard. But I was caught in the nick of time.

I know this is kinda vague but like I said, the details are very personal. I hold no grudges against those who, in my opinion, had given up on me in the past. I understand their reasons and I know their strength was not enough (or needed elsewhere) to go the distance with me. I am thankful there were those who could though.

My heart knows the true meaning of love and friendship again. Moreso than ever before. Peace, y'all. And be GOOD to each other.

Someone Saved My Life Tonight
Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin
Available on the album Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy

When I think of those east end lights, muggy nights
The curtains drawn in the little room downstairs
Prima donna lord you really should have been there
Sitting like a princess perched in her electric chair
And its one more beer and I dont hear you anymore
Weve all gone crazy lately
My friends out there rolling round the basement floor

And someone saved my life tonight sugar bear
You almost had your hooks in me didnt you dear
You nearly had me roped and tied
Altar-bound, hypnotized
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
Youre a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away, high away, bye bye

I never realised the passing hours of evening showers
A slip noose hanging in my darkest dreams
Im strangled by your haunted social scene
Just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen
Its four oclock in the morning
Damn it listen to me good
Im sleeping with myself tonight
Saved in time, thank God my musics still alive

And I would have walked head on into the deep end of the river
Clinging to your stocks and bonds
Paying your h.p. demands forever
Theyre coming in the morning with a truck to take me home
Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
So save your strength and run the field you play alone

Friday, November 30, 2007

Nice Knowing Y'all

Apparently... I'm next... Oh Dexter, where are you?! SAVE ME!

Click the following link to see what I'm talking about:

Who Is Jenna Ramsey?




My theme song for today:

When explanations make no sense
When every answer's wrong
You're fighting with lost confidence
All expectations come

The time has come to make or break
Move on don't hesitate

Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say

When situations never change
Tomorrow looks unsure
Don't leave your destiny to chance
What are you waiting for
The time has come to make your break

Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say

Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say

Some people stop at nothing
If you're searching for something
Lay down the law
Shout out for more
Breakout and shout day in day out


Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say

Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say

Lay down the law
Shout out for more
Breakout and shout day in day out




Lay down the law
Shout out for more
Breakout and shout day in day out

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Change Is Inevitable

"Ever wish you could freeze frame a moment in your day, and look at it and say 'this is not my life'?" - Robin Williams as Daniel Hillard in Mrs. Doubtfire

Change, dear friends, is inevitable. I feel it calling, beckoning me. When life becomes perfunctory and one feels like one is just treading water, it's time to make drastic changes in one's life. It's that zest, that drive, that passion that makes life
worth living.

I wrote about Sunset 07, and in the past I've written about other events and parties and such that have changed my way of thinking over the past couple of years. I've been slowly waking up to a reality that not too many, I feel, truly see or believe. A reality where everyone does what they
want to do... not what they have to do.

Oh sure, you say, that's fine but everyone has to work, pay taxes, maintain a home, put food on the table, pay bills, etc. etc. right? Well, yes... but these can be wants... not just needs. You can work where you want, live where you want, eat what you want, pay for what you want, etc. It's all a matter of perspective.

For years... YEARS... I have maintained the perspective that money is the key to survival. It's what makes the world go 'round as some would say. Well, it's what makes this society go 'round, that's for sure. But I don't see any other species on this planet requiring money to live and live happily. We protect their freedoms yet enslave ourselves. To make the money we need to make to support ourselves we agree to SO many restrictions! We're told how to dress, what to say, how to act, what to do, when to do it and if we just follow those rules, we get the fat cash.

It's becoming more and more clear to me every day that these restrictions and requirements are exactly what makes us unhappy. Life doesn't work on a time-schedule. It doesn't care. It REALLY doesn't. Friends and family need help and attention when they need it... not when it's convenient. Opportunities for different lives come and go throughout our lives and we either grab at them or we let them pass by. I am a notorious risk-taker. Sometimes they've paid-off, sometimes they've failed spectacularly. That doesn't change my drive to take the risk to make my life (and hopefully others' lives) happier and more fulfilling.

Today, I'm looking back at my life and thinking carefully about the choices I have made and how I came to them. The complexity I have fallen into has just about completely driven me to the breaking point. Freedom has a price, I'm told. Does it really? Is it really that hard to find true happiness? I don't think so. I know when I'm happiest. I know when I'm happiest creatively, work-wise, play-wise, etc. I know what I enjoy doing and how I like to express myself. My eyes were opened by some of the most wonderful people on Earth about 2 years ago. Each day that goes by in this corporate, cookie-cutter, same-thing-happens-every-day, little boxes life is driving me faster and faster to escape it.

I get the feeling that people don't believe me when I say I can do without all the techy trappings I've become accustomed to. Yet at this point in my life, I've begun to realize that I can. I put myself in a situation where I had to do without a lot of the things I've grown to value. When I've tried to add some of these things back in to my life as it is now, I've suffered. It's been one of the best things for me in my life. I have always sought the "best" out of life as defined by the world at large. Everything from the best car/house all the way down to the best condiments, makeup, etc. Best always meant expensive. That just isn't true.

It's taken me a long time to get to this point and now I'm ready to bolt. I rebelled against the machine that said I had to be and act a certain way only to find myself back in the same machine in order to "fit-in" after my rebellion took it's course. Heh... the machine will get you one way or another unless you TRULY say, "no more."

Different people value different things. Family, Wealth, Status, Fame, etc. are all examples. I value simplicity and freedom. I
long for it with every fiber of my being now. As I said before, opportunities come and go and we choose which ones to snag. An opportunity was presented to me about 2 or 3 months ago that is one that I know I can not let pass me by. My way of thinking, my lifestyle, my choices, everything about me is being tested to determine if I can truly handle the opportunity being presented. I am quickly learning what it is that is important to me. I am also learning how to balance this with my currently complex existence and how to defuse the ticking time-bomb of my life that I have created. I just wish I could make it happen a little faster somehow.

Do I want to party all the time? Well, in a sense, yes. But not in the sense that I consume everything and do nothing in return. I want life to
be a party all the time... no matter if it's at work, at home or wherever I find myself. If I don't, I will make myself AND those around me miserable. I will continue to fall prey to the need to talk about it (like I'm doing now... yes, I recognize it) rather than actually do something about it. I am trying to hold on... to do what I have to do in order to escape this hole of life-trapping I've stumbled into... but sometimes I simply need a break.

So now, I commit myself to making the change for my own life. It means much more sacrifice than I've made yet so far, but it also means laying the foundation for a happier life for me. Change is inevitable ... and I am ready for it's embrace.


It's All Good

There's nothing better than a food fight followed by wrasslin' around on the floor followed by collapsing on each other with laughter and smiles to ease tensions and relax someone. That was my morning this morning. :) It certainly did nothing for putting me in a "motivated for work" mood but I managed to get there somehow.

Today I've got some data manipulations to do and I'm really hoping to have all the changes for Agent management done today. Was supposed to play WoW with Jose
last night... but I ended up getting sleepy early... passed out between 7 PM and Midnight... and therefore didn't get to play. Maybe tonight... we'll see.

Makin' plans to go to the Hookah Bar again this Friday night. It's a fun, inexpensive and relaxed atmosphere and a good way to spend time with friends. I wish I could find a beatnik poetry bar in this area. I hope I can find one in Indiana when I move back there. Maybe I'll just start one, who knows.

Anyway... back to work.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The afternoon after the morning after the morning after.

Well, I'm still kinda beat from the weekend. It was quite the event. It was a different experience for me since I'd never gone to one without Twink before. With the exception of the time I went to see BT for free at Fusion, every other event I've gone to has been with her. I feel I've finally progressed past the need to share it with her and can claim the events for myself now. Wow, I really got messed up when I met her. I lost my individuality completely. That's not a good thing. Every aspect of my life has suffered for it. Now I'm getting myself back to where I was before... but with a stronger mind and stronger attitude toward life and living life. I was just as co-dependent upon Rob... but for different reasons. I almost became that way with Sadao... but he's WAY too head-strong and way too intent on having a friendship with me than anyone else I know. It's a good thing. HEALING! Sweetness! Anyway... just a quick entry for myself. Poop!

Monday, November 26, 2007

Weekend Report

Oof... I'm tired.

It's only 9:29 a.m. at the moment... but I'm tired. The reason will become clear soon.

Let's start with Wednesday Night. After leaving work, I went home and relaxed for a while. I was making dinner that night but Sadao was working late... so I waited to make dinner until he could eat a hot meal with Brian and I. After dinner, we stayed up for a bit and ended up doing our laundry in the wee hours at a 24-hour laundromat. Needless to say, we slept in late on Thursday.

Thursday, by the time I got up... it was late afternoon. Whee! I needed the sleep though. We tried to work out what to do for Thanksgiving. We didn't have enough money to get a "proper dinner" going and the turkey we got from Sadao's dad (we drove down to Melbourne to fetch in earlier in the week) was too big to fit in the microwave. We would have cooked it in the oven... but the oven doesn't work.

A friend of mine came over and specifically asked that I go with him to his friend's house for thanksgiving dinner. I declined unless Sadao and Brian could come too. After a bit of drama, it became clear that only I was invited. So I stood my ground and said no, it's a holiday and I'm not going without the boys.

So what to do. Sadao had to pick up his check. So we went there. They were having a Thanksgiving day dinner for the employees. Sadao, very thoughtfully, grabbed a big plate of food and brought it out for all of us to share. So there was our dinner. From there, we went to Savoy to have a couple drinks and dance and forget our troubles for a while. Sadao got both Brian and I blitzed. It was actually quite nice this time. Last time I got that hammered, I threw up in several places (including all over the side of Twink's car. I cleaned it up the next day before I left for work, though). This time, it was nothing but smiles and dancing and happy drunkenness. No puking and no hangover.

Friday went by fairly uneventfully with the exception of Sadao coming home from work early. They sent him home for his haircut. His hair was getting kinda shaggy and he couldn't deal with it anymore. So earlier in the week, he cut his hair into a mohawk. It actually looks great... and he wears it flat rather than spiky. No one at his work had a problem for the entire week until his GM saw it at the end of the week. Then all of a sudden it's not good and he was sent home. He has to shave his head before he returns to work. This is ridiculous to me. He works at a bowling alley as a bar runner. The patrons are there to have fun and enjoy themselves. Sadao is always bright and cheery and tries to promote a fun atmosphere wherever he goes. No one, not one customer and not co-worker, had a problem until the GM saw it. Why? Because they've switched from franchise to corporate. Hello Empire Records.

I'm gonna miss his mohawk. It's cute! But, I understand why Sadao is giving in to the corporate machine for now. I understand it very well. It sucks, but we do what we gotta do to survive until such a time we can tell "the man" to shove it.

We didn't let that spoil our Saturday though. A girl I met through Sadao, Carrie, called and asked if she could ride with us to Sunset 07. I told her sure. She came up Friday night and spent the night with us. Saturday morning, I got up early and began getting ready for the trip to St. Pete. The others had too much energy and stayed up all night. So, once we were all ready, we headed out. Within moments, they were all asleep in the car. No worries though, I'm used to that scenario. By the time we got to St. Pete, everyone felt a little more refreshed and was ready for the day.

What a FABULOUS event it was! A few old friends and a few new friends were there. We ended up all gathering together on a blanket and enjoyed the day's music. There was lots of good music but BT stole the show, IMO. There was a lot of electro house being spun that night, including BT's set... and it blew me away. Some of the sickest beats I'd ever heard. He always puts on a good show. :) I'm glad I was able to share it with Sadao.

After the event, we went to an after-party event. It was at a club... and it was awful. The vibe changed between the event and the club. The vibe at the event was beautiful, loving and fun. We played with beach balls and danced and sang and shared memories and love. The vibe at the club felt like a meat market and it was jarring. So after a couple of hours there, we chose to head home. Mind you, it's about 1:30 a.m. by now.

Sunday, we slept in until about 6 pm. I've been up since then so I'm pretty tired. But it was worth it, I must admit. Now, today, I pay the price for all the fun this past weekend. I have to reset my internal timer and get myself back on a normal schedule again. It sucks, but that's just the way it is. It's not the first time.

All-in-all, it was a great weekend and the event was VERY reminiscent of some of the best times in my life. The only way it could have been better is if absent friends had been able/willing to join us there. I am still hoping and holding out for the day that we can all come back together again and enjoy a party together. One where everyone is there for the music, friends, love and life. It CAN happen if we all let it all go and say, "This day is for us to come together and party and share good times and good music. Only positive, life and love-affirming vibes are allowed. We were all created out of love and are here to celebrate with each other and lift each other up."

Yes, it's a dream... but it's a persistent one in my life and I'll be damned if I give up until we see it happen. Life is short.. and it needs to be celebrated while we have it.

Well, I'm off now to get some work done. Oof... TIRED!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

A Blah Day

It's a blah day today. I'm a little depressed at my financial situation. Trying not to let it ruin my spirits though. It takes a lot of humor and/or music to get my spirits back up though and eventually one feels like they've heard it all before. For this very reason, I am so thankful for Sadao in my life. We keep each others' spirits up and keep trying to find ways to make the other laugh and smile. The lack of fundage is keeping me from going to visit some friends for Thanksgiving, which sucks. But between that and Sunset 07, I wouldn't be able to afford the gas for all the running around required and normal driving for the next week.

On top of that, poor Nyssa is sick and won't be going now. This sucks because I was really looking forward to sharing this with her. Sadao and I are still going. One might look at this situation and say that it seems selfish to put a concert over visiting friends for the holidays... but with the tickets already paid for, it would also be wasteful to simply throw that money away. Choices, we make them and we live with them. Sometimes we let them make us happy, sad, angry, victimized, etc. It all depends upon the overall mood, I guess, eh?

All in all, I can say that my choices lately have left me in a state of self-quarrel. On the one hand there's the good that comes from sacrifice. The fact that your sacrifice has made a difference in someone else's life. On the other hand, there's that little voice that says, "What are you getting out of all this self-sacrifice other than the feeling that you're a better person for it?"


Overall I continue to try to stay in good spirits. My beliefs keep me going, to be honest. I may find them all to be false one day. I may find one day that I had it all wrong and that the reason it's called the "Human Race" is because it's really a race. I've done a lot of studying and listening over the years. I've studied the religions and their teachings. I've studied philosophy. I've lived in the world from various aspects and viewpoints. I've met MANY different people and have heard them describe their beliefs as well.

Some say it's a one-way ticket and once you're done, you're done... there's nothing after that. Some say you move on to a better life or a worse life depending upon how you lived life on Earth. Some say you keep coming back until you've learned all the lessons that life has to teach you (and that they get rougher upon each iteration). Some say you come back unwillingly, usually in some other form. Some say we're all part of the same unified spirit and our energy (temporarily split off from that energy) returns "back to the fold." There are as many opinions on this subject as there are people to make them... so I'm not going to go into all the one's I've heard.

I've taken psychoactive drugs and have explored the mysteries of life under these influences. The experiences I've had and the ideas that have come to mind would all make fabulous trippy movie ideas... but they also weigh heavily on my mind even when not under the influence.

Although I've explored many different theories and possibilities, I still can not conceive of the possibility of non-existence. It just doesn't register. Maybe this is why my attitude toward life is so cavalier. If the work we do, the things we buy, the places we live and the ways we change our physicalities are truly unimportant on a spiritual level, then why bother getting bent out of shape over them? Given that life on this planet, regardless of whether there's an afterlife or not, is tenuous, short and not promised to anyone... then why do we get bent out of shape over what one person or group believes, how they react or interact, whether we're rich or poor, the color of our skin, the way we pass the time, relationship preferences, etc? What's the bloody point?

Here's a good example:

Click Here For the Photo (it's too big for blogger to display)

I love me some Opus. He's been one of my favorites since Bloom County was being freshly produced by Berkeley Breathed. I agree with Opus wholeheartedly here. We have the days where we're holding the umbrella for someone else and the days where they're holding the umbrella for us. Lucky are those who find friends like that. Smart are the ones that hold on to them. Wise are the ones that can see past the physicalities and know that it's only a representation of our spirits' calling.

Regardless, we do what we can, when we can, because we want to. We can blame it on circumstances, obligations, requirements, adjudications, judgments, contracts, confrontations, what-have-you. But in the end, we do what we do because it's what we want to do. I understand a suicidal person's desire for peace. I understand a "well-adjusted" person's desire for excitement. These are the things they don't have that they feel will make their life better (or, in the first example, make their life not suck anymore).

So it comes down to choice again. I've been told that our choices define us and tell others what type of person we are. These are labels just like anything else... and we all like to sticker each other as often as we can. Well, the stickers are just stickers. You can peel them off anytime you don't like them. People weren't meant, in my opinion, to be pigeon-holed and put in little boxes (little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky-tacky, little boxes on the hill side and they all look just the same).

Yeah... this is what happens to me when I have nothing interesting to do. There's plenty that I could be doing right now... but I have no interest... because of all the things I just said... which in turn keeps me from doing anything that I might get interested in. Some day this journal will stop being updated. Either through my death or my sudden interest in something that occupies all my time and energy.

I hope it's the latter... and I hope it happens soon.


Tuesday, November 20, 2007


Hah! Found it!! Not giving it up this time!! Yes, this is vague, yes this is esoteric. Let me clarify (a little).

I found my motivation again. I've discovered the difference between that which makes me happy and that which anesthetizes me, makes me comfortable, lazy and stuck in the endless loop.

In the areas that I've let control me, I am at the weakest I've ever been. And yet I see that life continues on. I have learned the lesson and I know where I want to go and why. Love has won this battle and I'm confident and resolute in my sense of direction. Let all that has tried to destroy this come at me again. I will stand and face it with a steadfast heart for I know now that what I feel is real.

Those who truly care... who TRULY care, rejoice and know that I'm re-emerging a much happier person with a much sounder mind than before.

I've found the love I was looking for. It was right before my eyes so many times and I tried to make it into something else every time. This time, it was resolute in not giving up no matter how much of a fuck-tard I was toward it. Perhaps it takes one retard to relate to another retard. Hellifiknow. All I know is that I can't get over this feeling of beauty and freedom and joy and love ... commitment, conviction, motivation and resolution that is filling me to the brim and overflowing!

It's more than emotion. It's beautiful, crystal-clear clarity. It's knowing that better times through harder times are ahead and I'm finally ready to face that challenge. When someone can sit and realize that the things we do in this life aren't as important as the people we do them with... it is the awakening that is necessary to truly motivate someone.



UPDATE: Oh hell, I can't hold it in anymore... it's bubbling over within me. I know I've found true love. I've put someone to the test and he's passed with beautiful, flying colors and the clarity I received was that I no longer have to worry no matter what may come. I've been suffering under the hardships of this life, letting it drag me down, letting it rule my thoughts and letting it make me paranoid. But now, I see that nothing is impossible where there is TRUE love involved.

Come what may, I will not fuck this one up! I have made mistakes in the past with this type of love. I have tried to turn it into something that wasn't meant to be. I hurt someone I care about VERY deeply through my own selfishness. But life, love, God, what-have-you, has seen it's way to show me that through the worst of times, Love comes again and lifts us up.

Ready to give it all up and face the hard times? Absolutely! Even if it means never again seeing the one that broke me free from the chains that bound me. Knowing that he loves me that much, to put up with all the negativity that has clouded my life, to put up with and forgive all the crazy stupidity I have unleashed, to live meagerly and patiently for a better time... I know it now... without a shadow of a doubt.

Now, my actions will become swift and aggressive. The road ahead is long and filled with trials, tests and tribulations. But I know now that I'm not alone. There's a difference between being told that you're not alone... and knowing it. I know it now.

God, thank you for bringing him into my life. For his keeping me at arm's length until I had processed and filtered out the shit in my life that was keeping me from truly loving. Thank you for the promise that you will always be there between us, guiding us and helping us to not only live a beautiful, loving life for ourselves and each other... but also for teaching others who are still in the darkness the true meaning of Love.

P.L.U.R. Bitches,

Monday, November 19, 2007


I just finished watching a beautiful movie called "The Story Of Us." I had never seen it before. I know some people who would say it's mushy, it's fantasy, fiction, whatever. I'm not listening to them right now.... I'm listening to me and what my heart is saying ... saying so loud I can barely think or breathe.

It's the story of a couple that fall in love and over time let the fighting become more to them than the good times they shared together. But at the end, love finally wins and triumphs over all the negativity and assumptions and bullshit that the world brings into their lives.

As I watched it, I found myself thinking about all the people I have loved in my life. But mostly I thought of Rob. I've enacted the same story with many people though. It's not the easiest thing in the world for me to admit when I'm wrong. The times I have let hate, jealousy, envy, fear or anything else win the battles that eventually come up between two people. But it always takes two to tango and yes, I have been guilty of not seeing things through anyone else's eyes but my own. I have been guilty of letting money and worldly bullshit take control of who I am but it's NOT who I am.

I am who I am. The shell I'm in is simply how I express myself. There's not one person in my life that I can't look at or look at a picture of and think of fond memories with them and love that was shared. Why is it so hard to hold onto that? What is it that keeps us from fighting for the love that binds us together? I swear, as God (and all of you) as my witness... I will not let the darkness rule my life anymore. I know it's coming up with new ways to get me... through people, through situations, through so many things. BUT IT WILL NOT WIN!!

To ALL that I have loved in my life. I still love you. I will forever love you. I will make mistakes. I will do what I can to correct them. I will fall every now and then... but I will get right back up and keep trying until I have it right.

Love Always,

Friday, November 16, 2007


I just got off the phone with Kowboi! :) God, I've missed him. He's seen me at my überhigh points and my really REALLY low points. So yeah... I'm riding pretty high right now having chatted with an old friend. :) He's doin' real well up in NY and sounds to be in really good spirits. I'm so glad for that... I've seen him at some pretty low points too... including the last time I saw him. So yeah, life just keeps getting better and better it seems... for everyone. That makes me happy. It seems that the more we concentrate on our own lives and what we need to do, the better it gets (common sense, yes... I hear a very familiar voice in my head coming from a feisty, pig-tailed young woman saying, "I told you, dumbass.") Muaah! Anyway... just had to post my happiness. :) Peace! --Jennabee

Get Over It

"Act your age!" "Dress your age!" "Be your age!" BAH! Yeah, so I'm wearing some beaded bracelets today and my macrame one. I went outside for a smoke and a co-worker asked if I'd been gettin' into the beads. I said, yeah and pointed out the ones I had made recently and then the macrame one. She said, "Well, if you ask me, the macrame one is more appropriate for your age."


Are there really things that are more appropriate for one age vs another? One gender vs. another? One body type vs. another? One lifestyle vs. another? WTF people?! GET OVER IT! Why on earth would you want to stop doing something you enjoy if you're still able to do it and you still enjoy it? Now, if you're not able to do it... then yeah... I understand. But making and wearing bracelets isn't exactly rocket science or strenuous activity. If you're not enjoying it anymore, then duh... stop... find something you do enjoy and stick with it until you don't anymore.

So how did I handle the situation? I looked at her and said, "That's your opinion." She said, "Yup, you're right." My opinion is different. Perhaps that's just the outlaw in me coming out but hell... I've done enough changing for people. This is just another example of the negativity I experience on a day-to-day basis. It's why I don't hang out with her on a daily basis or go to her house and such.

It's not about fantasy and puffy clouds and rainbows and all that. It's not dwelling in a fantasy land... at least not for me. It's as real as anything else is to me in this life. I understand the realities of this life too. I know what I've given up and what I've done for the sake of having someone else like me, whatever, blah blah. I'm not interested in making someone like me or keeping someone from not liking me. I'm just doin' MY thing. If you like it, hang out with me. If not, piss off... I'm too busy to listen to you kvetch about it.

Whew. Now that I've vented that crap I feel better.


Gristle Day?

So today's Holiday is Gristle Day. Uhm... yeah. I don't make these up... someone else did... I'm just reporting it. Personally, I'd much rather celebrate the one-day anniversary of Birthday Suit Day but... rules are rules. So, here's some nice tasty gristle for ya.

Looks fabulous, doesn't it? Okay, moving right along. 8 days to Sunset 07. It's a week from tomorrow. :) I'm gettin' all excited. :) Jose and Nyssa are coming up on Friday and we're gonna hang out for a while before Jose has to go back to PSL. Then Nyssa, Sadao and I are all headed to St. Pete once Sadao gets off work. Then on Saturday, it's off to Vinoy Park! W00t! I'm really looking forward to this event (yeah, I know... I talk about it all the time so it's obvious). The closer we get to the date, the more excited I get and the less drama I am letting affect me. It's like getting cleansed of all the negativity which dares to pollute my mind.

This, again, is why I'm going. It's why I make the bracelets, play the video games, spin records, write code, etc. etc. It's to experience and enjoy life without the interference of the negativity that comes at me on almost a daily basis. People tell me about their problems with other people, how these others act and how they don't like it, etc. etc. Blah blah blah... just shut up and dance or something fun, for God's sake.

Here's a piece of advice for anyone and everyone out there. Happiness is something that YOU create for yourself. If you find that you're unhappy when you're around someone... you can either try to bring them to the place where you will be happy around them... or you can walk away from that situation. If you find that you're unhappy with your location, your job, your surroundings, etc., then YOU have the power to make those changes. Make it right for you, regardless of what others may think about it.

I know it's hard... especially when someone you REALLY care about is spilling out the negative vibes. In that case, if you really care, let them vent, listen to them and do what you can to help without getting wrapped up in a "pledge of allegiance." As Jesus said, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Treat others the way you want to be treated. If you tend to get treated by people in a way that you don't like... check yourself and your own actions and see if maybe you started that with them. Maybe they're just "returning the favor." Maybe they figure that if you treat others that way, that's the way you want to be treated too. It's worth a shot.

Okay, now that I've given you two forms of gristle today... here's some news. I managed to make a macrame bracelet that doesn't totally suck! Yay! I'm gonna keep practicing and learning the knots and try to make some fun and interesting pieces.

And with that, I'll close this entry.


Thursday, November 15, 2007

Behold! Raver Pizza Man!!


Peace, Jenna


Oh my.... today's holiday is Birthday Suit Day!! Oh yeah... the day we celebrate that fine set of threads given to us by our creators. Heh... I've been waiting for this day for a long time, let me tell ya. I plan to make sure it's a well commemorated holiday. *evil grin*

So, I've gone back to the hoary netherworld which is Myspace. I finally found a way to incorporate my blog here on Myspace so it's all good. I didn't want to move everything AGAIN. I'm using an RSS widget that gives me the ability to put an abridged version of my blog there. Clicking on an entry there opens a new tab or window and brings you here. Yay!

Moving right along... it's now 10 days til Sunset. I was going to do a video documentary blog of the 10 days before Sunset but I can't find my video camera. I'm not sure what I did with it. I might have left it at the house. I checked through all the boxes in storage about 3 times each, checked my car and checked the apartment. I might go out and get a relatively inexpensive webcam to do the trick, tho.

What else is going on... I think I mentioned my macrame failure. Well, I'm not done trying. I made a ton of beaded bracelets yesterday and a necklace using a charm that a friend at work gave me. It has the chinese symbol for Long Life on it. I also finally used some of the hematite beads that Stacy gave me.

I like the way it turned out and it's something I can wear on an everyday type of day basis. The bracelets I made are more party-wear stuff. Anyway, as I get better with macrame, I'll post some pictures.

At any rate, that's my post for today. Later peeps.


P.S. Good luck with the stress test tomorrow, Mom. Don't forget, it's not a race. :-P

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Happy Weak Day

Today is Weak Day. What does that mean? I dunno, but I sorta feel that way today so I guess it's apropos. Yesterday was a busy day. I got a lot done so I'm pretty happy about that. I'm getting better at recognizing the negativity in others and letting it bounce off of me again. I got it from four different angles yesterday and still managed to keep my spirits up. :)

Keeping clear of negativity is pretty much impossible. Every day, someone out there is going to have something negative to say about something or someone else. And they'll want me to hear all about it if I'm within an appropriate proximity to catch it from them. Filtering and processing that stuff doesn't help my mood usually, though.

Starting new projects (like my first macrame project yesterday) has helped with that. It's given me something else to focus on other than everyone else's gossip, opinions and bullshit. I finished Portal yesterday. It was very fun but I'm sad because now I have nothing new to play and occupy my mind. I got stumped a couple of times, but I eventually worked it out. I highly recommend it.

At any rate, that's my post for the day. More later.


Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Yeah... that's me... big slacker. My mom called me today and since I hadn't called in a while or posted to my journal she got concerned. Well, it was a busy weekend that I really don't feel like talking about, to be honest... glad it's over. At any rate, I *am* still alive and kicking (and screaming from time to time) and here are your holidays for yesterday and today.

Yesterday was Macramé Day!! It's really a shame I didn't pay more attention to this yesterday... I love macramé! I wish I knew how to do it... it looks like it would be fun, interesting, productive, etc. See?

Today is simply known as Festerval!! What is Festerval? I have no clue. The Urban Dictionary has no entry for it so I don't know what to tell you. It sorta sounds like a celebration that is oozing with pus or mucus or something... fester ... festival... but then I'm probably wrong there. Whatever it is, find some and enjoy it would ya? Sheese... what do you need, a written invitation?


Friday, November 9, 2007

My Letter to Santa

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Wednesday "harmonatrix" and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). In October I didn't flush (-1 points). In November I gave change to a homeless guy (19 points). Last week I helped "twink" hide a body (-173 points). Last Tuesday I invaded Orlando, broke it, and couldn't glue it back together before Mom got home (-1012 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-1156 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!


Apparently I've been naughty... hmmm. Well, the spanking doesn't sound too bad tho. ;) And check it out... -1156 points! Fun fun... thanks for the link to the Santa letter generator. :)

Peace, Jenna

Something I forgot to post when it happened...

I meant to post this the day the conversation happened, but I forgot. Only certain peeps will get this but I had a good time with it. It's a couple of discussions, one between Heather and myself and one between Jose and I that were both filled with geeky fun. Enjoy (if you're so inclined).

[14:25] ls1grrrl: maybe it's a conspiracy.. they're all out to eff with me
[14:26] pureplurgirl: heh... and whether it is or not, they may or may not be...
[14:26] ls1grrrl: need tin foil
[14:26] pureplurgirl: Schroedinger's Heisenburger with Cheese
[14:27] ls1grrrl: mmm yummy
[14:28] pureplurgirl: LOL... how fabulous would that be? "Hey, what's that you're eating?" "Uhm.... I'm not quite sure, actually."
[14:28] ls1grrrl: it's like a party in my mouth
[14:29] pureplurgirl: wow... my brain just poofed on that one
[14:30] ls1grrrl: (icecream)(balloon)(bunny)
[14:30] ls1grrrl: whee
[14:31] pureplurgirl: "It might taste like oriental food... or possibly Hydrocyanic Acid"
[14:34] pureplurgirl: "I'll have a Schroedinger's Heisenburger, hold the Quantum Decoherence" "Oh, I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid we can't leave off the Quantum Decoherence... if you want that, just order the dead cat. It's less expensive, anyway."
[14:34] ls1grrrl: tasty!

[13:39] jbueno6822: hrm... Schrödinger's Object just doesn't roll off the tounge
[13:42] jbueno6822: trying to describe an object that implements two absofreakinlutely identical interfaces simultaneously, and, until its called, can't know which one is being implemented
[13:43] pureplurgirl: oooh.... the Jenna class
[13:43] jbueno6822: ....
[13:43] jbueno6822: wow
[13:43] pureplurgirl: come on now... THAT was DAMN funny
[13:43] jbueno6822: uh huh....
[13:43] jbueno6822: <-- chortling
[13:44] jbueno6822: <-- still giggling
[13:44] pureplurgirl: hehehe
[13:44] pureplurgirl: you're tempted to call it that now, aren't ya?
[13:45] jbueno6822: soooo tempted.
[13:45] jbueno6822: hmm... heisen-face or Jenna...?
[13:45] jbueno6822: quantum interface ;)

The idea of a Jenna class is so appealing. Maybe I could debug it then. ;-) Well, until next time...


Holidays through the Weekend and Other Notations

Let's start off with the holidays. I missed a couple of days so we'll backtrack first.

Nov 7 - Nostril Day Ah yes, a day devoted to those all-important orifices that actually aid in the sense of taste (not to mention smell). So important are these little boogers (no pun intended)... they provide us with valuable information about the cleanliness of our co-workers, family and friends, the location of tasty consumables, the dangers of brown slippery substances on the ground (ewww!), and so many other wonders. So celebrate these cavernous doorways to our olfactories! Oh wait, the day's already passed... so just blow yours and say a prayer or something. I dunno.

Nov 8 - Unfair Advantage Day Ya know, this was yesterday and I personally know some people that celebrated this day well. I, on the other hand, did not. I was too busy trying to deal with a cold that had an unfair advantage on my sinuses. Figures the day after Nostril Day I would get a cold. Yay!

Nov 9 - Short Bus Day Now THIS is a day to celebrate! Hell yea! How I wanted to ride/drive the short bus. There are many advantages to being retarded, I think. Society treats them like the elite now. They used to be the butt of many jokes but they have overcome and shown that they can be productive members of society too. Now people see the errors of their way and go out of their way to stand up for the retarded. Hmmm... maybe I'm not as smart as a retard developmentally-challenged person after all...

Nov 10 - First day of Cheese Wheel Week!! My ex should be extremely happy about this event. However, I can't imagine a cheese wheel that would keep him busy for any entire week. That would be MASSIVE. :) Regardless, I think I'll just get a bag of Cheetos (the puffy kind) and eat those. I like my cheese processed into powder and used to coat environmentally safe packing peanuts. :) Yeah... moving right along.

Nov 11 - Loss of Innocence Day An entire day to celebrate the loss of innocence, eh? This happened a long time ago for me... and I've spent every day since then trying to find it again... I think I left it in an old pair of pants... well... it wasn't that old... YEAH... moving right along! At any rate... you already know how to celebrate this one (I hope)... if not... then come sit by me and I'll "explain" it to you. :)

As far as other events... Nyssa and I are all-systems go for Sunset '07. W00t! The hotel has been reserved, the tickets have been purchased, and we're ready to go already. Heheh. This will be her first "psuedo-rave" event and I'm so glad to be part of that! It's definitely a fun time to just let go and let the music take over for a few hours. Countdown as of today stands at 2 weeks.

I've worked out my financial future for the next two months and it's not exactly happy ... but it's livable. Provided that I don't get fired for posting to my live journal from work, I should be okay. But then again, if that does happen, a whole new set of circumstances comes into play that might be interesting to see in action too. It would certainly help me separate the wheat from the chaff in my life. But for the record (God, are you reading?) ... I am requesting the strength to carry on with the plan I've designed... not asking for another disastrous miracle. I'm good with things the way they are, thank you very much. :)

Romance... yeah... whatever. It's a foreign word these days. I actually had an opportunity to go out on a date not long ago and I passed it up because Sadao was sick. I felt that it was more important to be there for a friend than to indulge myself on a date. (ouch... I think I pulled something while patting myself on the back there). I think it was a good thing anyway. I met the guy on the internet and it was on a "dating" site. So I was feeling that "this is a date" vibe and the awkwardness that comes with that and blah blah blah! I think maybe I should be looking for the guy that's not looking for a date but likes the same stuff I do and likes doing those things with me (and vice versa of course). That sounds more fun to me than dealing with an interpersonal emotional crapfest anyway.

That's about all I have to share at the moment, I guess. More later.


Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Happy Dialectic Day

There's quite a few definitions in the dictionary for dialectic but they all pretty much center around logical argumentation. So, it's the argumentative process... in an attempt to explain, reason and justify a viewpoint.

A couple other definitions:

  • A method of argument or exposition that systematically weighs contradictory facts or ideas with a view to the resolution of their real or apparent contradictions.
  • The contradiction between two conflicting forces viewed as the determining factor in their continuing interaction.
It's odd that this is today's holiday, for me. I've been studying my own arguments along with others' arguments in an attempt to discover why it is that the argumentative process can bring about such feelings of angst, bewilderment, confusion, hurt and loss. To understand one's own viewpoint along with another's viewpoint and then recognize the conflict itself rather than what items are conflicting is the first step to dismantling the conflict to begin with.

Some people like conflict, I think. It gives them a high of sorts. It gives them something to be right about and oooh we know how GOOD it feels to be right. But in truth, everyone is right in their own perspective and that will not change anytime soon. Being told we're wrong never feels good... we tend to seek out others that agree with our standpoint and then firm up our beliefs and enter into the conflict again.

But what if we saw the conflict for what it was... and just agreed not to participate in it. What if we agreed that the conflict was what drove us apart in the first place... regardless of what it was about? Ahh... then we might agree to come together and focus on things that make us laugh and join together rather than things that drive us apart. Self drives us apart and keeps us away from others. Trust brings us together. Trust is a hard thing to do sometimes, tho. Especially with self sitting there telling us all the things that we love to hear... because ... it's right.

Now... take this into every part of your life. Your friends, your family, your work, your play, your beliefs, everything. How much is driven by self? Are you trying to make your friends like you? Are you trying to make your family love you? Are you trying to impress your boss and elevate yourself over your co-workers? Are you trying to be the best at sports and games to elevate yourself? Are you showing off your piety and devotion?

It's SOOOO easy... Lord knows I've slipped up and found myself all wrapped up in myself many times. It's an easy thing to do. We live with ourselves 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... and we're all bombarded by selfish propaganda every day. As Ghandi said when asked what he thought about western civilization.... "I think it would be a very good idea!" Hopefully, y'all got that. :)

Peace Bitches,

Family Found

So last night, Sadao and I went to meet my "daughter," Fallon. It was my first time meeting her. *sigh* ... She's has such a sweet and tender heart and I know right where she's at in life right now... just at the beginning of the adventure. She's getting a head start on me, though... which is good. Hopefully she'll go through her renaissance and dark ages, etc. a lot sooner. We sat and chatted for a while, drank a little, smoked a little and just had a nice visit. It was a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to seeing her again soon.

The road trip was good for Sadao and I, too. I'm learning a lot about myself in the vein of "who I've been" to people that I just didn't realize I was doing. I've been controlling, manipulative, ego-centric, ritualistic, and overall just... not a fun character to be around. Friendship should not come with expectations. If I'm doing something for a friend, it should be because that's what I want to do... not because I expect something from them in return... that's a partnership.

I'm not learning these things through chastisement, tho... thank heavens... I think I've had enough of that. I'm learning them by comparing how I feel when I'm truly loving and thoughtful as opposed to being self-centered and ego-driven. When I'm the latter, I tend to be very down... always thinking about what I should have and how much I deserve better, etc. But the facts are the facts. I'm just a lump of animated flesh like everyone else on this planet. I've let people's words and actions lift me onto such a high plateau that I've become a power-hungry bitch. And that is totally not me. Coming down off that plateau isn't easy... in fact it's pretty painful (in more ways than one). But I'm dusting myself off, laughing at my scars and beginning to laugh more at life... and that's what's important.

I think with time, I may actually get completely back to where I'm supposed to be. Life is a trip (again, in more ways than one) and the journey is sometimes very rough for all of us. But we will make it if we do it together. I still believe that.

Monday, November 5, 2007

La la la

Nov 2nd - Boy Band Awareness Day - Yes, Friday we were all to be aware of boy-bands. I don't think that's too hard since they're all over the place in Florida. It's almost as if Disney has a big machine somewhere that spits them out once every few years just to keep there from being a vacuum. Nature abhors a vacuum and Disney is so natural you know.

Nov 3rd - Exhibitionism Day - I think I celebrated this early this year. I won't say how or why but I'm pretty sure it was early this year.

Nov 4th - Erection Day - Yes, this usually follows exhibitionism ... however I think this year this particular holiday passed us by without notice. Typical.

Nov 5th - Disposable Applicator Day - Whee! I'm not even doing to talk about this.

So, life is having it's ups and downs again. Just when I think I've got everything balanced within my life, something else comes along and unbalances it. I end up overextending myself and keep the ones I care about from hitting the ground too hard, but then I end up looking like I've been through the Spanish inquisition. Yes, I know the pope apologized for that... big whoop. Moving right along.

I seem to be getting very good at making people uncomfortable. Is this my lot in life? Am I destined not to experience a true, deep and meaningful relationship? Am I only allowed to have a sample, a taste of it and then have it yanked away at the first inkling that I'm interested in it? Seems to be. I guess I should be as I was before, simple-minded, thinking only of myself and not concerned about anything else. Give because I want to give and for no other reasons or expectations. Live my life, get it under control and not let my heart bleed so much.

I think it's time to listen to a song and move on. Here's the song... have a great day folks. Do what you gotta to make things right.

Quarterflash - Harden My Heart

Cryin' on the corner, waitin' in the rain
I swear I'll never, ever wait again
You gave me your word..but words for you are lies

Darlin' in my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd go
But it's time to let you know....oh...

I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn...and...leave you here.....

All of my life I've been waitin' in the rain
I've been waiting for a feeling...that never, ever came
It feels so close, but always disappears....

Darlin', in your wildest dreams, you never had a clue...
But it's time you got the news......oooo....

Repeat Chorus

I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
Harden my heart...harden my heart...
swallow my tears
I'm gonna harden my heart....



This world keeps getting more and more frightening every day. Today's xkcd comic sent my brain through another vortex. There are far too many people out there who are simultaneously experiencing the same emotional state as me. Check it:

*sigh* ... I've been the guy with the hair, I've been the girl... now it seems I'm the bald guy. Hmm... unnecessary overly dramatic sheep dip, you say? Perhaps. Perhaps I should be thankful for what I have even though I know it could be taken away at any moment in time. Argh... this see-saw is getting on my nerves. I'm not sure how I always end up doing it but I seem to always end up treating people exactly the way they don't want to be treated ... through no intentions of doing so, mind you. This is bringing me, full circle, back again to the concept of non-interference.

*sigh^2* ... So I guess the true answer to why I'm going through all this is simple. Everyone is bound to hate me for my actions on one day or another for one reason or another. If I do x ... I neglect y. If I do y... I ignore x. I can't make everyone happy nor will I try to anymore. I'll just make myself happy and those around me can work that out for themselves. If something I'm doing for myself makes them unhappy or make them feel I'm insensitive, that's their insecurities not mine. I'm so tired of being apologetic and wrapped up in tales of misery and woe. Why can't I turn this around? I don't know. But I'm starting to really get tired of it going the direction it's going.

So, with that, I'm going to get on this code and try to get some work done.