Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Keep Learning and Understanding

Letting go isn't the easiest thing to do, it seems.

As Sting would sing, "If you love someone, set them free."

Do I believe that? Yes... but that makes love hurt like all hell. It's never easy to look at someone you love and do what's good for them when it breaks your own heart doing it. Although for some people, it appears to be easier than for others.

For me, it's heart-wrenching. It puts you in that realm where you don't know what the ultimate outcome will be and you have to have faith and trust in something you really believe in.

"Should I stay or should I go?"

There's give and take in any relationship... whether it be with a lover, a family member or a friend. Sometimes I get my wires crossed about which is which. Sometimes the same person can cause my heart to leap for joy and sometimes shatter it into a million and one pieces.

Why do we do it? Why put ourselves through the rollercoaster? Because the good times are just that good, my friend. My mother taught me that not too long ago. Despite some of the personal hurt and heart-wrenching moments she had with my father, the good times with him far outweighed the bad times in quantity and quality.

When others are quarreling, we can see the issue itself without respect to the sides being taken emotionally by those within the "contest." We can see the outside forces affecting each of them and understand why the emotions and sensitivities are so pronounced when they can not. But when we ourselves are under the same pressure, we often can not see it for ourselves and become embroiled within our own needs. It takes someone with great presence to look outside their own self and see themselves through another person's eyes.

Sometimes there are things we simply can not live with. We might try to live with it... perhaps through understanding of situations simply because we ourselves were once in the same situation. However, sometimes seeing another go through that is too much to bear. We all have our breaking points, no matter what we might say.

There have been many times I have looked back and truly admired my friends and loved ones for the restraint they showed in admonishing me or correcting my behavior... simply because they knew that the best way for me to learn was through experience. But there have also been times when I wondered why they weren't firmer with me given the fact that they knew where I was going.

But one can never be truly free until they've been allowed to make their own mistakes in life... sometimes more than once. Figuring out when to hold back and when to put one's foot down is the hard part. But I'll never make it to where I want to be unless I figure it out for myself, accept it and stand by it for better or for worse, without compromise.

Yes, I agonize over forks in the road. I shouldn't have to, really. I've been down some of these roads before and therefore know where they lead. This should make it much easier to pick the OTHER path. I pray for that wisdom and courage every day of my life. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't.

But through it all, I know that I am learning, even if just a little bit each day. I look forward to when life finally speeds up on me and the gray hair flows in the breeze.


Takes a Little TIme

This song really ministered to my spirit this morning. Amy Grant's "Takes a Little Time"

It takes a little time sometimes
To get your feet back on the ground
It takes a little time sometimes
To get the titanic turned back around
It takes a little time sometimes
But baby you're not going down
It takes more than you've got right now
Give it time

What's this walking thru my door
I know I've seen the look before
Sometimes in faces on the street
Sometimes in the mirror looking back at me
You can't fix this pain with money
You can't rush a weary soul
You can't sweep it under the rug, now honey
It dont take a lot to know

Now it may not be over by morning
But rome wasn't built in a day
You can name this thing a thousand times
But it wont make it go away
Let me put my arms around you
And hold you while you weep
We've been talking and talking
I'm sick of this talk
And it's nothing that wont keep

No you cant fix this pain with money
You can't rush a weary soul
You can't sweep it under the rug now honey
It don't take a lot to know

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Thanks Sis

Well, I'm getting ready to leave for church. Yup! I'm gonna check out the MCC Church in Palm Beach Gardens today. I want to see if it's Spirit-filled or just going through the motions.

I want to publicly thank my sister in Christ, Stacy for giving me a TON of music a while back. Most of it was Christian Rock and stuff I listened too when I was in my teens and twenties. We're talkin' Petra. :) Their songs are so uplifting and it's definitely cool water for me after a long dry spell in my life!

So thank you, Stacy. :) I love you and miss you!


Friday, September 26, 2008


Well, I finally worked up the courage to do something. I called someone today who had been a close friend of mine back in my camp counseling days. Unfortunately, he was busy but suggested I call back at around 5:30 ... which I plan to do.

I, briefly, had the chance to tell him who I was now and who I was then... but I could sense the impatience and perhaps a little bit of shock over the phone. I am wondering if he will actually be there to answer the phone when I call back. The reason I say that is because he didn't say goodbye... he said, "Okay, Sir." and hung up.

Sir?? Now, he and I had a falling out, it's true. I want to apologize to him for all that and let him know that I've asked for God's forgiveness... knowing what I was going through at that time in trying to find "acceptance." But even so, I wasn't expecting "Sir." Maybe he was simply trying to display a manner of decorum at work... I don't know... I mean he owns the place so I would think he could do and say whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. But then, what do I know... not much... it's been over 16 years since we spoke last.

If it wasn't important to me... if he wasn't someone important to me in my life, I wouldn't bother. Regardless of the outcome, I will leave it all in God's hands I guess and see where it goes. I could be completely misreading it or I could be right-on-the-money with my estimation. Either way, I can only pray that God's will be done here. Maybe he just needs to yell at me for a bit. And if so, then I'll let him.

Pray for me. Pray for him. Just Pray.

Weekend Preparations

Well, the day to commerate another year on this planet is almost here. Yes, tomorrow is the day celebrating my entrance to this world. So I'm beginning to think about what to do. Alcohol will most certainly be involved.

I think the plan is just to relax and enjoy... maybe go to the beach... probably get dolled up and go out to Rebar in the evening... see if I can get a few free drinks. ;)

Sunday I'm going to check out the MCC church here on the Treasure Coast. It's in Palm Beach Gardens, which takes about an hour to get to. Services aren't until 11 a.m. (thankfully) so I don't have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to get there on time. What am I hoping to find there? The Spirit.

Something I miss terribly in my life is fellowship with others in The Spirit of God. I have met many people that are troubled and lost and desperately need The Spirit in their lives. My trip home to Indiana was an eye-opener... reminding me what it's like to commune with those who are also Spirit-filled. I'm hoping that this church will have the vibrations of Love in it. My own strength and understanding of it is great, however I know now that it's not enough and I need to get refueled every now and then.

Other than that... whatever we do will be on the cheap! Finances are tight right now, thanks to the unexpected trip to Indiana. But it don't take a whole lot of money to have a good time. :) Just need to be in one accord... (if you can all squeeze in one... they're kinda small).


Wednesday, September 24, 2008


I'm freakin' tired today. I think it's mainly from dreaming a LOT last night. I know that perception of "real" time is subjective at that point, but I can tell you I was really active in my dreams last night. I had two that I can recall.

In one, I was in college and the electricity went out while I was trying to wash clothes to be ready for school. By the time the electricity came on, it was too late to get the laundry done and get to class on time. So I went in a towel (and pantyhose for some weird reason).

As you can imagine, it turned into a naked-at-school dream. There were two aspects of this dream that were
interesting to me. First, I was female in the dream. I used to have dreams as a boy being turned into a girl. Then I was having dreams as a girl (this was all pre-transition). After my surgery I started having male dreams again. Now, recently, I'm having dreams as a female again. I think this represents a shift in my thinking (finally!).

Second, I was VERY comfortable with myself being naked in the dream. This was new. Here's what the dream dictionary had to say about that:

"For a small percentage of you, dreaming that you are proud of your nakedness and show no embarrassment or shame, then it symbolizes your unrestricted freedom. You have nothing to hide and are proud of who you are. The dream is about a new sense of honesty, openness, and a carefree nature."

The fact that it was in college:

"To dream that you are in college, indicates that you are going through some social or cultural changes. You may be wanting to expand your knowledge and awareness. It also suggest that now is a good time for you to experiment and try new things."

In my other dream, I was investigating a company that owned a huge skyscraper next to a dilapidated old mansion. They were trying to buy the land to destroy the old landmark. My co-worker, Jose, was in the dream too and was investigating the situation as well. Here are a few things the dream dictionary said about this imagery:


"To see your coworkers in your dream, highlights aspects of your waking relationship with them, including difficulties/support. It signifies your ambition, struggles and competitive nature."


"To see a mansion in your dream, symbolizes your greatest potential and growth. You may feel that your current situation or relationship is in a rut."


"To see a skyscraper in your dream, represents your high ideals, creativity and imagination. You always aim high at whatever you do. It also suggests that you have great foresight."


"To dream that you are a detective, indicates that you are searching for your hidden abilities and talents. It also signifies that you are trying to solve a problem and seek the truth about an issue that is worrying you."
I find all these images to be very encouraging based on recent events in my life. With time, effort, determination and God's direction, I can change the course of my life to something much better for myself and others.


Monday, September 22, 2008

21 hours later

It's 9:29 a.m., Monday morning... Sadao and I have been on the road for 21 hours. I took a break from the driving for most of Georgia, but other than that, I was the one behind the wheel.

I'm friggin' exhausted. Not sleepy exactly, although I know I could sleep right now. It's more just a wore out feeling. But anyway... whoever actually reads this... I'm typing this on my home computer so you know I made it home safely. As far as from here on out... well that's in God's hands.


Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Return of Joy

My father passed away exactly one week ago just after 7 p.m. EST. My brother Richard made the call to me in Florida and through his shaking voice, I felt the odd mixture of sorrow and joy all through my soul.

Since I came out to my parents as transsexual, my father has been my Champion. I've been a daddy's girl since even before I was a girl. The news of his passing was a pain through my heart in the knowledge that I would never again be able to hear his voice... however I felt the same relief that I know he felt when his suffering was finally over.

My father had a bad heart. About 6 years ago he went through a stress test which caused his heart to stop. Three hits from the paddles eventually brought him back to us for a few more years. When he died this year, it was from multiple heart attacks that eventually ended with his heart, literally, exploding in his chest.

I can't imagine the suffering he went through but I know it's because he was a fighter all his life. He fought for his life even up to the end. But he was also a lover, too, harboring the greatest love one can have on this Earth.

This past week has been difficult for me. It would take far too long to explain it all here, too. Over the past few years, several demons have made their home within my soul. The still small voice of God was still there, but I ignored it and listened to those demons that had encouraged my belief that I needed more than what God had to offer me.

Upon coming home, the battle for my father's soul had already been waged and completed. Apparently, my soul was next. I have felt the sorrow, the despair, the negativity, the anger and the hatred that can become attached to one's heart of hearts and had come to accept them as my only companions... even though the Love Eternal has always been there waiting for me to simply call upon It and through that power, bind them and force them out.

This morning, my mother led me in prayer and through her guidance, I found the strength to call on His name and release myself from the grip of the forces of darkness that had laid claim to my soul.

There's an old... I don't know if it's a poem of a story... called Footprints in the Sand. Today, I have looked back to see that there haven't been two sets of footprints in the sand for a very long time. But today, I can announce with unspeakable joy that I can see two sets again.

To my mother and my siblings, my nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles, cousins and relations of all sorts, and to those I call friend and to those I call enemy: I love you... but more importantly God loves you.


Thursday, September 11, 2008

Lost and Found

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a fan of logic. The purest aspects of it dwindling down to two simple constructs... 1 and 0. On and Off. Good and Bad. Start and End.

But I'm also an intense fan of the understanding of how these things are related to each other and that they are in fact, the same thing as each other. Matter and Anti-Matter... both similar particles with the exception of the "spin" put on them.

They are all nothing more than constructs we observed and named. Where did they come from? Where are they going? These are physical questions. These are attempts at understanding the nature of life through flawed perceptions. Nothing exists until we observe it. It simply can not. Why is this true? Because without observation, there is no way to describe it. Without a description, there is no way to prove it's existence. Without proof, existence (in the classical definition) is impossible.

Yet we know things exist. Knowledge is dangerously comfortable. Knowledge is a profound high. It provides comfort at a level that just barely registers on a higher, more spiritual level. It's so surreptitious that we don't even realize how high we are, most of the time. But we are. We must be amazingly comfortable in this life to continue living it as we do.

The great part about all of this, in fact, is that as you are reading this, I am creating knowledge about knowledge. You may, or may not, be accepting of this. You may look at this and begin to wonder about the complexities or you may be there nodding your head in complete understanding of what I am saying.

Life is a series of moments. We go from one to the next, sometimes in search of something to get us to that next level. Sometimes we simply choose to go with the flow and see where it takes us, knowing that nothing really matters anyway. Either way, it is all as we observe (and therefore choose) it to be.

Now, I started this out talking about logic and how it all breaks down to 1s and 0s. But what I did not discuss was the nature of these 1s and 0s. Are they immutable? Can a 1 ever be a 0 or vise versa?

Well that, of course, all depends upon your definitions. But in the broader sense of things, I prefer to look at them as merely adjectives describing the state of things. A bit has the ability to be a 1 or a 0. A light can be on or off. These are the only choices available. In truth, they are the only choices available, period.

"Well, what about colors? " you might ask. All colors have been been, logically, broken down into sets of bits that when combined can produce a broader description. The more bits we add, the more variations of colors we are allowed to describe.

Given that this is the case. I offer the following ray of hope to all those who feel like life, or things in their lives, have got them down. The only option for change is always there. Once a light is on, it can be turned off and vice versa. What was lost, has no other option but to be found. What was bad, can only become good.

It is a binary universe by my reckoning. Flip the bits in the ways that work best for you. Only you know which way that is.


Wednesday, September 3, 2008

All Good Things?

Ever heard the expression "All Good Things Must Come To An End"?

Yeah... ever really thought about that? Wouldn't that logically indicate that all bad things keep going? Hmm... The interesting thing is that there are always new good things starting. Somebody starts something new and thinks it's a good thing and then other people think it's a good thing and before you know it... it IS a good thing. But it's doomed before it ever got started because it's a good thing!


This poses an interesting situation. If God is Good... and All Good Things Must Come To An End... then eventually, God must come to an end. Then again, given that we're throwing definitions and logic and such around in such a haphazard manner here, exactly what is "an end?"

Maybe that's a good thing after all. Or perhaps, good things must become bad things in order to endure? I don't know. The logic of all these sayings and how they contradict each other in logic is beyond me. It seems that they're all just things we use to help us sleep at night. Some people even use that phrase to help them sleep at night. You know... you've pissed someone off either through your actions or your words and they say to you, "Well, I hope that helps you sleep at night."

They've just relieved their own conscience by stating their position and therefore can now sleep at night. I'd really REALLY like to meet someone who literally can't sleep at night... or whatever part of the day their night might be. It's all relative, I suppose.

Anyway, I guess if all good things must come to an end we should enjoy them for what they are while we have them and not mourn their passing but rather extol what we had when we had it, with the knowledge that new good things are ahead.

The only other option is to wallow in the fact that the good times are gone and not bother getting involved in any new good times since we already know they must come to an end, right?

Yeah... up and down, up and down. It is as it is. Shut up and tell me something I don't know, right? Well, most of it's been said and done now... so what's left? I guess I need grandchildren or something.


UPDATE: Actually, after re-reading this post, I realized that there was a flaw in my logic. Just because all good things must come to an end does not necessarily follow that all bad things don't. I can't assume that BadThing.End method doesn't exist. Perhaps GoodThing and BadThing are both instances of the Thing class and perhaps the Thing class has an End method with the "Must Inherit" modifier. This would make sense since I have definitely seen some bad things come to an end too.

This is a perfect example of Platonic Object Oriented Philosophy .... also known as POOP.

So it's not quite as bleak as I put it out there to be. My apologies!!