Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Warning... New Year Approaching... Please Increase Speed!

Note: I started this on Wednesday... ... well, actually on Tuesday and changed some words on Wednesday and am finally finishing it now. Whatever, just read.

So 2008 is almost gone and 2009 is almost here. Considering the fallibility of humans and their inerrant ability to re-write history, disprove history, etc., it's quite possible that 2009 has, actually, already been here and passed... or maybe we're not even close yet, who knows.

At any rate, the greater portion of the population believes that an event worth being cheerful and merry for is quickly approaching and moreso that it signifies the dawn of a new series of events and the close of another series of events. Whatever. I get Thursday off, so I'm happy.

I always end up doing a lot of soul-searching during this time. Funny thing is, everyone I mention that to says the same thing. They also say, "Everyone does that." I know they don't know exactly what everyone does and that it's basically the same thing I experience... that I'm in tune with just about everyone out there. Pointing out the differences and similarities, arguing over the methodologies of obtaining truths or decrying someone else's experience of an emotional state since it wasn't exactly the same methodology we used to experience are common-place.

So what does it all mean, anyway? Who cares? We all do, at some level. We all care what it means even though we sometimes act like we shouldn't care. We each handle our idea of the truth of existence in our own way, seek to find those that think the same way we do so we can side up against those that think differently. Black and white. Up and Down. On and Off. Life and Death.

It's hard for me to say it's one thing or another. Is my family right? Are my friends right? Who cares? Well, I do because I make friends and family with various walks of life and none of them ever agree with one another other than do disagree with one another. It makes me wonder how we're ever supposed to achieve this grand unifying thing in the first place. Maybe the only thing we are truly unified in is division.

It's prevalent in the books we write, movies we make, the music we play and the lives we live. "You never stand up for yourself! You never say anything which makes me think that you have nothing to say and I don't know if I want to be around someone like that." Followed shortly by "Sheese! Why do you always have to go on and on about this or that, why can't we just be?" There are those we seem destined to always be at odds with and it is usually those that we are attracted to the most.

My life is not an easy one... but then not many peoples' are. It seems that when I had the affluence to do just about anything I was hanging around those that were completely ungrateful for it. Now that I am around grateful people, I don't have the means to rub two pennies together half the time. Where's the balance?

I remember a time in my personal life where the satisfaction of what I had was adequately balanced with the determination to achieve more. I was never too satisfied and was never so motivated that I couldn't relax. This is my personal goal for 2009 and beyond. To recapture the balance of a happy life with those around me. To know when to hold on, when to compromise and when to let go. None of these options seem to make those around me happy, though. And for someone who has only ever wanted to please others, that makes life a challenge, to say the least.

Yes, there are some things in life that I enjoy just for myself. I like playing RockBand. I like to write about life from a philosophical viewpoint. I like to watch musicals, travel to new places, do things I've never done before. I like to sing and write music. I like to change my look to whatever suits my fancy at the time.

I don't have the answers. I'm not someone who can write a column that will inspire someone to get off drugs, quit smoking, lead a decent life, lead an indecent life, whatever. I can only manage to keep myself sane enough to stumble through this strange existence until it's inevitable conclusion. But one thing I do know. I am not alone. I have never been alone. I will never be alone. We are all in this together, and that one shining fact can not be disputed.

May your existence, such as it is, bring you peace, love, health and happiness for you and yours in 2009 and beyond.

Peace,
Jenna

Friday, December 5, 2008

Suicidal Tendencies - Institutionalized

Sometimes I try to do things but it just doesn't work out the way I want it to, and I get real frustrated and then like I try hard to do it, and I like, take my time but it just doesn't work out the way I want it to. Its like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out. And everything I do and everything I try, it never turns out. Its like, I need time to figure these things out, but there's always someone there going “hey mike, you know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately, you know? You need to maybe get away. And like, maybe you should talk about it, you'll feel a lot better.” And I'm all like “oh, nah, its ok, you know. I'll figure it out. Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out, you know? I'm just working on it by myself.” And they go “well, you know, if you wanna talk about it, I'll be here, you know? And you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it. So why don't you talk about it?” I go “no, I don't want to! I'm ok. I'll figure it out myself!” But they just keep bugging me, they just keep bugging me, and it builds up inside.

So you're gonna be institutionalized. You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes.
You won't have anything to say. They'll brainwash you until you see their way.

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one that's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help to protect me from the enemy, myself.

I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything, but then again I was thinking about nothing. And then my mom came in, and I didn't even know she was there. She called my name and I didn't hear her and then she started screaming “Mike, Mike!” And I go “what? Whats the matter?” She goes “whats the matter with you?” I go “there's nothing wrong, mom.” Shes all “don't tell me that! You're on drugs!” I go “no mom I'm not on drugs. I'm ok, I'm just thinking, you know? Why don't you get me a Pepsi?” She goes “No! You're on drugs!” I go “mom, I'm ok. I'm just thinking.” She goes “No! You're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't be acting that way!” I go “mom, just get me a Pepsi! Please, all I want is a Pepsi!” And she wouldn't give it to me! All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me! Just a Pepsi!

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves! Tied around your back, you're treated like thieves!
Drug you up because they're lazy! It's too much work to help a crazy!

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help, to protect me from the enemy, myself.

I'm sitting in my room, when my mom and my dad came in. they pulled up a chair and they sat down. They go “mike, we need to talk to you.” And I go “ok, whats the matter?” They go “me and your mom, we've noticed that lately you've been having a lot of problems, and you've been going off for no reason, and we're afraid you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid you're going to hurt yourself. So we decided that it would be in you're best interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need.” And I go “wait, what are you talking about, WE decided? MY best interests? How do you know what MY best interest is? How can you say what MY best interest is? What are you trying to say? I'M crazy? When I went to YOUR schools, I went to YOUR churches, I went to YOUR institutional learning facilities. So how can you say I'M crazy?”

They say they're gonna fix my brain. Alleviate my suffering and my pain.
But by the time they fix my head. Mentally I'll be dead.

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help, to protect me from the enemy, myself.

Doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyways.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Hmmm...

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues
Elton John

Don't wish it away
Don't look at it like it's forever
Between you and me I could honestly say
That things can only get better

And while I'm away
Dust out the demons inside
And it won't be long before you and me run
To the place in our hearts where we hide

And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands could be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Just stare into space
Picture my face in your hands
Live for each second without hesitation
And never forget I'm your man

Wait on me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself

Monday, November 17, 2008

Being God's Clown

I let my imagination wander quite a bit, quite often. I can't help it... it gets bored too quickly if it's not allowed to explore new territory. It always comes back tho, and then tells me what it saw. Sometimes it's quite entertaining, sometimes enlightening, and sometimes downright frightening.

Today it wandered off early this morning and let me work in peace. Just a few minutes ago it came back and began to describe something so deliciously obvious I'm amazed I hadn't thought of it before (then again, maybe I have thought of it before and just conveniently forgot... more on that later).

There's a condition called "Coulrophobia" which is, basically, the fear of clowns. Now, as wikipedia describes it, it is the abnormal and exaggerated fear of clowns. I would have to agree with this description based on what my imagination reported to me. Why? Because based on it's finding, I am one of God's Clowns.

What on earth is more important to a creator than it's creations? The answer is nothing. We were made in the image of the creator so we already know this because what we create is pretty darned important to us too. Us clowns are here to make you laugh and distract you from the monotony of the machine for a while so you don't completely lose it. Here are some definitions for the word clown as a noun as defined by dictionary.com:

  1. a comic performer, as in a circus, theatrical production, or the like, who wears an outlandish costume and makeup and entertains by pantomiming common situations or actions in exaggerated or ridiculous fashion, by juggling or tumbling, etc.
  2. a person who acts like a clown; comedian; joker; buffoon; jester.
  3. a prankster; a practical joker.
  4. Slang. a coarse, ill-bred person; a boor.
  5. a peasant; rustic.

Other than the slang entry, none of these entries really bother me. In fact, they define me quite well, I'm proud to say. My mother has told me on more than one occasion that when I was born she had an overwhelming sense of joy. Well, for goodness sakes, I got started early in my spiritual career, didn't I? Without us clowns, the world would indeed be a very boring place. It would be the machine without the joy, the laughter or anything that makes the machine worth having in the first place.

So how many clowns are there? A LOT actually! I see more and more every day. I admit, I've not been a very good clown on this planet lately. I've felt really down, depressed, unloved and unwanted based on events that have happened over the past few years. However my imagination reminded me that I am giving God a good hearty laugh with how serious I've been trying to be lately. That very fact brought me joy and brought about the realization that it is my life's work to be a clown... even without my knowledge, really. Being a clown is instinctual, apparently.

I read a story recently about a poor man who is a "real clown" by profession. I say poor man because his government is beginning to put restrictions on what he can use to entertain people. No balloons because latex can causes severe reactions in a small minority of people... no bubble machine because it costs to much to insure in the event of someone slipping... no twisting balloons into guns because it might encourage violence. Getting hurt by a trick gone awry or a machine malfunctioning is part of the risk in being a clown, though.

The thing is, no one denies the construction worker, electrician, highway worker, fireman, policeman, etc. of the hazards they face in their jobs. They know the risks of their professions and accept them with gladness for the opportunity to serve in the capacity they want to serve. Every clown accepts their risks too. Including the risk of being hated, feared, banned, limited and generally socially mocked. That last one is pretty much in the job description to begin with.

So why the heck am I writing all this? Well, to make you aware of an inequity that exists that really needs to be corrected ASAP.

If a policeman gets shot ... he's given medical attention.
If a fireman gets burned ... he's given medical attention, too.
If an electrician gets zapped ... he's given medical attention as well!
If a construction worker or highway worker gets hurt ...well gosh-darnit... they get medical attention too!!!

No one worries about their emotional needs. Why is that? Because they don't work with emotions... hello? They work with guns, fire, water, electricity, pavement, steel, mortar... seeing a pattern here? Physical things.

But clowns work with emotions. That's their arena. So what happens if a clown doesn't get a laugh? What happens when a clown is feared, rejected or otherwise kept from doing what they were born to do? Nothing. Clowns have to suck it up and keep smiling, that's their job, after all. Smiling and laughing and making others smile and laugh are what clowns love to do. That's when they are at their best. But the clown needs medical attention at times too... just emotional medicine.

I'm not talking about a shrink. I'm talking about a smile, a hug, even a kiss... something to keep them going that reminds them that what they're doing is appreciated too. Being a clown isn't easy in a world that is becoming increasingly serious. But it certainly give us plenty of work. War, famine, violence, pestilence, disease et. al. create plenty of work for the clowns. We are the doctors of the soul.

Now, to live in this world, we all need food, water, shelter and creature comforts. Clowns are not exempt from this. So we clowns have to take jobs in the physical workforce, too. Sometimes we actually get to make being a clown as our work! That's heaven right there. Not all of us get those opportunities tho. That doesn't change the fact that we were called to be clowns too. That's the soul-calling.

So, please... the next time you see a clown's spirit in the eyes of a friend, a family member, a co-worker or even a total stranger, don't forget to at least smile at them. They just gave you a precious gift and just want a thank you in return.

Peace,
Jenna

Friday, November 7, 2008

How Thin the Veil

There is a danger involved in willingly allowing one's consciousness to expand. Consider it like a two-way mirror. For those on the mirrored side, everything they see is merely a reflection of what they expect to see. There's nothing else behind it. Expanding one's consciousness allows one to see that there IS something behind it and completely not what they expected.

This really isn't the problem, tho. The problem is returning to a more restricted view with the knowledge of the existence of the veil. Once you've seen that there's more to life than the simple reflections of your experiences so far, it's disconcerting to ever look at those reflections in the same way again.

There are many ways that we re-adjust to reality. "It was just a chemical imbalance in your brain and it was simply letting you see all the things you imagined you would see anyway. You can't trust your physical senses when your consciousness is expanded." That's a good one. It's very grounding. But it also feels like an attempt to not really deal with the question of existence beyond the veil. It's more like putting it off or trying to assuage someone's fears so that they don't go crazy, act up, and cause problems for the other "patients in the ward."

Human curiosity drives us to discover and understand that which we don't understand already. A mystery is a wonderful thing and a terrible thing all at the same time. We love to have a mystery solve but we hate not being able to solve it, at the same time. So where does the peace-of-mind come for those of us with TMI about what's on the other side of the mirror? How do we step away from the mirror and start enjoying life again, KNOWING that life could all be a facade, a show, an experiment, a dream, etc.?

By having something more important come in take the place of that desire. Work is good for that. There's 8 hours on each week-day covered. Physical distractions like Food, Drink, Sex and Sleep keep our heads out of the clouds too. A deficit in any of these four physical distractions can lead to thinking about the mirror too. Mental and physical puzzles can also keep our heads busy trying to solve them (car upgrades, crossword puzzles, video games, etc.).

Now I come to emotions. They can completely distract us from all of that too... when they fulfill an emotional need. Love, tenderness, anger, joy, resentment, sadness, pity, mischievousness, etc. all distract us from the mirror while at the same time letting us glance into it now and then as if we were breaking the fourth wall in a movie. I think when one's emotions are real we forget about the mirror altogether. When they're not real, we're VERY aware of the mirror and are trying to put on the best show we can.

The mirror is the veil. We each stand on either side of it and then announce to the world which side we're on. Those still dealing with the fact that it exists are horrified by the idea that it exists and the idea that they were pawns in a game all along. Those who've accepted the mirror's presence have the choice to use it to their advantage in manipulating the lives of others, or to simply acknowledge it's simultaneous existence and non-existence, thereby treating everyone with the same love and respect, regardless.

I know this post has been deep. It was meant to be. Writing down my mental responses to the experiences I've had while trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow has been very healthy for me. I know I don't want to go back to seeing only my reflection in the mirror. Nor can I. I'm just learning to accept the mirror for what it is to me... and then to be able to move on with that knowledge.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

MMV Identified as a HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS Disease!

So what is MMV? It's Micro-Management Virus. This is what happens when someone feels the need to direct another person on tasks to be performed at such a miniscule level as to be aggravating and annoying to the person being directed.

I've classified this as a disease because it appears to be similar to the varicella zoster virus. For your education and amusement, here's the wikipedia summary for zoster; modified ever so slightly to represent my discovery of MMV.

Micro-Managment Virus, commonly known as "detail oriented", is a viral disease characterized by an uncontrollable urge to control others with detail-oriented suggestions for a given task, often in an office environment. The initial infection with micro-management virus (MMV) causes the acute (short-lived) outburst of aggravation, and generally occurs in people who have taken responsibility for other people, projects or other tasks. Once an outburst has been resolved, the virus is not eliminated from the body but can go on to cause detail-orientation —an illness with very different symptoms—often many years after the initial infection.

Micro-managment virus can become latent in the nerve cell bodies without causing any symptoms. In a workflow-compromised individual, perhaps years or decades after an outburst, the virus may break out of nerve cell bodies and travel down nerve axons to cause viral infection of the speech centers in the region of the nerve. Although the infection usually heals within two to four weeks, some sufferers experience residual nerve pain for months or years, a condition called postmanagement neuralgia. Exactly how the virus remains latent in the body, and subsequently re-activates is not understood.

Antiviral relaxation techniqeus can reduce the severity and duration of outbreak, if a seven to ten day course of these techniques is started within 72 hours of the appearance of the characteristic outburst.
It does appear to infect others similarly too. Once exposed to micro-management, we have the potential of becoming infected. Now... if there was only a way to immunize against this, the world would be a much better place, don't you think?

Peace,
Jenna

Monday, November 3, 2008

A Story

Okay, I just started writing this story and couldn't stop. Something told me to write it. It's a little bit "stream-of-consciousness" in some places (most places actually) but I was moved to write it.



I am but a servant of Love. Love has been with me since the beginning and I have felt It's presence for all time, even when I felt It had deserted me.

In the beginning, I was It's favorite, or so it seemed. Bountiful blessings of abundant rain poured down upon me. I was fertile and brought forth sustenance that fed the bounty of life that Love had place in my care.

One day I met another like me. It seemed to me at the time that she had not fared so well as I. It seemed as though she had been abandoned by Love. From my vantage point, she appeared dry, cracked, hard and infertile. It seemed as if I had received more than my fair share of the bounty of blessings. I felt the burden to share the abundance that had been given to me and so I offered to share with her. She accepted it with gratitude, grace and responded in kind. We became friends.

As I shared my blessings with her, and she with I, I saw her flourish and dance as she herself had thirsted for the rain for ages. I mused to myself and wondered how it came to be that someone as beautiful as this had been so abandoned by Love. I could not understand how she had come to be a hard, infertile rock; cold and unfeeling. All she needed was a little Love.

She told me great stories of strife and hardship. There were lean times where famine had raged across her own fields and she weathered many a storm. My heart broke with each story and more of the love I had received poured out into her.

I began to understand the joy that Love must feel when It's allowed to give freely to us and fill our lives with the blessings we need to grow and thrive. I began to really enjoy it... but I am not Love... I am but a servant of Love.

I began to believe that I could do things as well as Love could do them. After all, I was created by Love and therefore must have an imprint of that image within me. It was at this point in my life where the seeds of the illness took root within my own soil. For I believed I was greater than I am. The more I gave, the more she seemed to thirst.
As time went by, my own reserves began to run dry and the less I had to give. I noticed my own soil beginning to dry, crack and harden. The bounty of sustenance I once had began to wither and die and become poisonous to those in my own care who would partake of them.

I was stubborn. I was drunk with the idea of being Love itself and could no longer be satisfied with simply being an extension, a conduit or a servant of love. The more I gave, the worse it got. The beauty of the bounty that Love had provided in my life had been replaced with selfishness, vanity and pride sprouting up like weeds, greedily consuming all that Love had provided and choking out the bounty that once grew from within me.

I cried out to Love in my horror and anguish. I wailed and begged for forgiveness. I begged to be made useful again in It's eyes. Love looked upon me and took pity. It knew my heart and understood why. A tear fell from It's cheek for it knew what had to be done. The selfishness, vanity and pride were deeply rooted within me. They were not about to leave quietly. Love knew what had to be done.

The grass and plants that grew within my soil died completely. Those within my care left for greener pastures. The love I continued to receive fed only the poisonous weeds that now covered my once lush landscape. That was when Love could bear it no more. I had heard tales of the Love's wrath against the wicked. I had no understanding of this wrath until now when it's full weight fell upon me.

Like knives piercing my heart, great war began to rage across my plains. Other, darker servants of Love raged across my fields, ripping and tearing at the infection within me. The roots were deep.
As each vine was ripped away, parts of me had to go with it. They too knew of Love and desired it all for themselves. So as each selfish thing was pulled away, it left seeds behind to take root and wait for Love to rain upon me again, that I might continue to thrive.

It was only now that I saw my friend's original condition in a new light. I understood, for the first time, what she had been through. I saw my own scars scattered across my crust and recognized them as the same I had seen upon her. She had shared with me her pain, and in doing so, I contracted it myself! I understood even more what had to take place for Love to return.

I looked into the Heavens and with tears of pain and joy prayed for Love's mercy. In that moment, we touched, my creator and I, and I knew it would be alright. I nodded my head and it was over.

I drifted, cold and hardened after the final onslaught. Love's dark servants dug deep within, not only ripping away every living thing growing on my scarred surface, but then also pounded my once fertile soil into hardened rock, unmoving, uninhabitable... and compared to my previous existence, dead to all who knew me.

Love then began again with me. Now that the illness had fled, the time was right. With painful, pounding hammers deep carving blades, and a fire that burned hotter than hell itself, Love began to crack, till, melt and transform my hardened body into a new one. Throughout time, It filtered and sifted away the impurities that had made me vulnerable to the illness the first time.

The process seemed to take ages upon ages to complete. Then one day, as I laid there broken and still ablaze with fires burning deep within me, Love said, "I am finished. Let's see how we did."

The heavens opened and an abundance of rain fell upon me, seeping into every crack and dousing the flames that licked at my sores. The temperature changes brought about more changes as I felt Love's blessings fill me through and through until I thought I would burst.

Then I looked upon myself and saw what Love had wrought as the first few blades of grass began to sprout again. I understood, once again, the gift that had once again been given to me. Now, with knowledge of the illness and how it spreads, I could be of even more service to those like me, servants of Love. The very thing I desired the most, to be more like my creator, was given to me. But one can not defeat an enemy if one doesn't know it.

I do not bear a grudge against my friend for sharing the disease. For that was her task to do. Without that, I would have remained a child without the ability to defend myself against the enemy of Love. We are well to do all that Love requires of us.

Love will bless you with all you ask for, if you are willing to pay the cost for what you ask. Be therefore careful and wise in what you request... you just might get it.


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Zapp & Roger

On a completely different note... I've got to get the album I'm listening to on Napster right now. It was released in 93 and contains music even older... but I just found it myself looking for something else. I was looking to find who did the song "I want to be your man." It's by an artist simply known as Roger.

On Napster, I found it on an album called "Zapp & Roger: All The Greatest Hits"

So far, every track has had me jamming to the point where I'm bouncing in my seat, throwing my arms up at my desk, and mimicing a chicken with my head... so... that has to tell ya something. :) It's all old-school funk and it just makes me wanna get up and dance in styles I can't dance... LOL. There's nothing quite like music that makes you willingly want to make a fool of yourself even while sober. :)

Peace,
Jenna

New Car on the Horizon

Well, not new... but new to me. I've had the same car for about 10 years now. It's a great car, it has survived so much (10 accidents, multiple parties, several trips to Indiana and back, etc.) and has been a constant companion through thick and thin. She's my baby.

Well, as I've stated in here before, there has been some contention between Sadao and I about the usage of the car. There's something about saying, "Until Forever" that we sometimes forget when it comes to personal effects. Once you're attached-at-the-hip to someone, the lines of "yours" and "mine" sometimes gets blurred. Depending upon what it is, the blurring of those lines can be a traumatic experience! That was the case when it came to sharing the car.

I've sought advice from friends and I've prayed about it too. The one thing that always holds true is that my relationship with Sadao is more important to me than the car. I'd rather get rid of the car than have it be a source of contention. So after much deliberation, I decided that the time is right to get a new car and sell him my old one. He's very good with the car, he's driven it enough to know it's in's and out's so I know my baby will be taken care of ... probably better than I took care of her, to be honest.

Another plus to this is that we will have two cars in the family again. Now if something happens when one of us are out and about, the other can come to the aid. If we both want to do something but separate from each other, we will be able to. So no more fighting over who gets to use the car when, etc. It always amuses me when people say to me, "Well, it's YOUR car so there shouldn't be any fight!" But it's a personal choice as to whether we blur those lines of ownership or not. I know that the quality of our lives has been richer for us being together and given our personal track records, we refuse to let anything get in the way of that anymore.

Since marriage is not on the table, we can't go at this with a typical "joint insurance" thing, which is probably better any way. So he's taking care of the insurance, upkeep and taxes for the Escort. That's all his responsibility and my car will be my responsibility.

Before anyone says something like, "Well, but what you are teaching him is that if he whines enough he can get what he wants." A. I'm not teaching him... he's not my student nor my child. B. I can honestly say that he knows that doesn't work. C. I did a lot of whining myself... it always takes two to tango so you can't just blame one person for a fight. D. He's paying for the car and taking on the responsibility for it.

So it's forward motion for both of us. I like this type of relationship MUCH more than how things have gone in my past relationships. There's the beauty of sharing our lives with each other without the expectations placed upon us by socio-religious stigmas and traditions. It may seem insane... and that's what I think I like about it the most. :)

Anyway, I'm done gushing now. :) One more point to the "teaching/learning" bit tho... if anyone's learning something here... it's me. I'm grateful for it too... with a mind like an empty sponge. :)

Peace,
Jenna


Monday, October 27, 2008

Might as well talk to the wall...

You've said it too, haven't you? "I might as well be talking to a brick wall." "Better to save my breath to cool my broth." Something like that, right? So why do we keep doing it? If trying to communicate with someone is so difficult, what's the benefit? Hrmph... I just heard Twink say "Nothing good is ever easy" in my head. I wish she'd shut up some times.

Well, since this is where I like to vent, my poor journal gets the brunt of it all. Basically, things are patched up again at home... but Mr. Cranky is still sick and therefore takes everything I say as if I'm being intentionally confrontational. Now... here's the part that I just don't get. He knows me. He knows me well enough to know that I hate confrontation. Typically, the only real reason someone will use confrontation is when they want to attention. Yes, yes... I can hear naysayers already proclaiming that there are times when confrontation is warranted. Well, it all boils down to attention.

People used to getting attention keep wanting it. It's like a psychoactive drug of the worst degree, if you ask me. Why would someone need that much attention if their life was interesting enough without it? AH hah! Yes, when life gets boring we tend to bore into other people's minds and demand their attention one way or another. Anything is better than nothing, right? And some of us are pretty damned needy. I've been there. Withdrawal isn't fun... but it's not anywhere near as bad as getting an unwanted kind of attention. Ouch. Even worse than that? Getting the kind you want and it changing in a heartbeat to the kind you don't want. It's like eating a fruit that tastes great until it suddenly rots instantly in your mouth. Whee!

Sometimes we just have to accept what life gives us with gladness while other times we will stand up and say, "No no... no more of that, thank you.. I know what that's going to do to me." I've been fortunate to be able to deal with life's sour bits and be thankful for them ... if for no other reason than they make the sweet bits taste all that much sweeter.

"That's how you view life? You feed off of it? That's sick!"

I've heard that many times. I never have a response for it, really. No point in defending something that is the very definition of life in the first place. In fact, if you really think about it... the sweet gratitude that someone gets after saying something like that is beyond measure. Because right after a statement like that usually comes something like "Well, at least I don't stoop that low!" The ironic part is that by uttering that last statement, they've put themselves in the mud right next to you...

Friend: Mr. Pot? I'd like you to meet Ms. Kettle.
Mr. Pot: "But she's black!"
Ms. Kettle: "Hrmph, have you looked in the mirror lately, biotch?"

Bah... I can't really vent these things anywhere else but here.

On another note: I found a REALLY good realtor/investor this weekend. I'm very impressed by him so far and I really think we might get somewhere with the house this time. Also, work is starting to flow a little easier... I'm very happy about that!

Halloween is coming up... not sure what I'm going to be this year... if anything. Maybe I'll go as a man. :-P

Peace,
Jenna

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Hats Off

I want to take a moment and tip my invisible hat to Sarama O'Shae. I had the pleasure of catching up on her blog today. This newfound interest is not hard for me to figure out. Reading through her blog posts is a lot like reading through my own (when they're not laced with OMG... I can't believe... WTF... but those are just blog-vents).

Samara, your column expresses much wisdom, curiosity and wonder. I find myself smiling, laughing out loud and generally having a blast as I read the entries. I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading your column for a long time to come.

On to other events...

I have calmed down quite a bit now. It's one of those disquieted calms (yeah... you figure it out if you want or just let your brain go pffft! I know what I mean). I know it's the calm before a bigger storm yet to rage. It's as if a hurricane is coming through and I've been experiencing the feeder bands ... but the eye-wall is still on it's way.

Ehh... I'm not so crazy about that analogy, but it will have to do for now. I was accused, again, of playing mind-games and holding the accuser back form what they really wanted to do in life. Considering I've never held anyone down, held a gun to anyone's head or done anything physical to stop anyone from doing anything, I find the notion ridiculous. I was accused of acting like a child and wanting it all my way. I guess we all want things our own way, and my way is honesty. Sounds strange coming from somone who's gone to great lengths to disguise their genetics... but given that I publicize my disguise, I feel that I can stand on the ground I'm standing on without fear that it will give way. After all, I know what's underneath it anyway.

I didn't respond to the accusations other than to point out what it was I was truly pissed off about. One of these days, I may learn to not respond at all. Given my mouth, that probably won't be until I've passed on, though.

My love for someone must be tough sometimes. When I agree with myself to love another person, it means that sometimes I must tell them what they need to hear, not just what they want to hear. It sounds pretentious. It sounds like I'm putting myself above others. But I also know that this type of love is not foreign to anyone on the planet. It just is as it is. I don't like doing it tho... but no one said I had to like it.

I will stand behind my words with actions. Sometimes I won't say anything and just act without words.... but I am a rooster (by chinese astrology) and a consumate actor so more often I feel the need to annouce. It gives me something to shoot for for myself, I guess. "Well, I said I was going to and by God I'm gonna do it." Yes, sometimes these things get put on hold. But I know I will not forget all that I have to do, all I must repay, etc. It will all catch up with me eventually and I will hold myself accountable for anything and everything I put myself up to do.

So if I bluster on and on... if I take the moral high-ground from time to time... if I sound like I'm talkin' shit or talkin' out of my ass... take a moment and ask yourself when you might have done the same... or when it might have looked that way to someone else. Then forgive yourself for it and those around you for doing it... and do some real thinking. You'll be surprised what you can come up with once it's completely out of your system.

Peace,
Jenna

Liars

We all do it from time to time for different reasons. We lie. We lie on applications, to bosses (cough, cough... I'm sick), to lovers (no no, I've never felt like this before), etc. We lie. We do it for selfish reasons. I've done it. I'm sure everyone else on this planet has done it too.

I'm tired of it. I was lied to last night. Sadao's been sick the past few days. Yesterday we found out he had a fever. So I went and got him some Gatorade and tried to make sure he was comfortable. He said he needed to stay bundled up and sweat this out. I agreed.

We had some people over as well because it was Travis' birthday. Travis cooked (it's what he wanted to do) and it was really good. So I settled down to watch a movie and chill out before bedtime. After our guests left, Sadao comes out dressed to leave. He said he was going out with Travis to finish celebrating his birthday. I protested that saying that his fever just broke and that he shouldn't be going out. He wouldn't listen to me. Kept saying it was a bunch of nonsense and that he was fine.

He said they were going over to a friend's house (someone they just met online 10 minutes before he was a "friend") and would only be there a couple of hours. Said he wasn't going to spend the night or anything like that. Mind you, he has the car we share for all this. I said, "Well, okay, I think it's a mistake and that you shoudl let yourself get better... but I don't know your body or how you heal so I'll go with whatever you say there."

I was pissed at myself for getting involved again. I put my emotions out there and I was disrespected again. Gave him the benefit of the doubt, tho, and told him to be careful. That was at 11:00 p.m. last night.

This morning, I woke up at 6 a.m. The car is still not home. I sent him a text message saying, "Just a couple of hours, eh? You're a liar and you're fired." I am through with it. I'm through with taking any promise he makes as real. His actions speak volumes and so far they do nothing for me and it is far underweighing what I do for him. Will I still be his friend? Of course. He still makes me laugh and smile. But will I trust him anymore? Nope. Not for a long long time... if ever again. We shall see.

The lies have to stop.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Fun at Work

Yes, you read that right. Here's the setup:

A new developer here, we'll call him Carlos for that is his name, asked to give a presentation on UML and the benefits it would have for us as developers. Being a veteran developer, the concepts presented were nothing really new... it's flowcharts for the object-oriented crowd.

Anyway, the idea is that with UML you can describe and design anything and everything about a system. The first demonstration was about a logger ... not the kind that involves chopping down trees but the kind that logs activity like events, input, output, exceptions, etc. Pretty dry stuff. Almost put me to sleep.

Then they switched to the animal kingdom. Danger Will Robinson. The choices made were a bit too pure and I fell for the whole setup.

They talked about having a dog object that would inherit from a general animal object. Then also on a deeper level to describe the dog object, one would desribe properties like legs. So there would also be a leg object which would also have ties to other objects like cats, etc.

About that time was when Carlos said it... "and using UML we can then describe the natural relationship between a dog and a leg." That was enough for me. I lost it. I couldn't contain myself. I blurted out with laughter in the middle of the conference room, prompting my co-worker Jose to do the same thing. As I looked around the room I saw everyone but my boss got the joke. Later I found out that my boss had gotten the joke but apparently was a little irritated that I blew up in the middle of the conference.

I couldn't help it! The images got the better of me and that's all she wrote!

Since my other co-worker informed me of my boss's displeasure, I've had mixed feelings about the event now. I guess I should have "maintained my composure" but good God... no amount of money and no job in the world is worth not being able to laugh.

I really wish the world could lighten up. It would be a much better place, really.

Peace,
Jenna

Confessions

Okay... I have a confession to make. I think girls are hot. There, I said it. I wasn't supposed to, but I did. I don't know what happened, how it happened, or why... but somewhere the swich got flipped. It's strange that when I was 100% male I had little to no interest in the whole guy-girl thing with me in the masculine role. I didn't even have interest in the guy-guy thing with me in a masculine (read TOP) role. Since sometime after my surgery, I've begun to experience genuine attraction for the fairer sex. I'm not talking about sex... although the concept does intrigue me. I'm talking about actually feeling a connection there.

Maybe I just don't like to be at odds with my lover ... and yet apparently we have to be in order to make it work. That just doesn't make sense to me! Well, it does from a binary-polarity-system idea... male, female, black, white, on, off, left, right... one must have the opposing force in order to be complete. Two halves of the same whole, right?

So what the hell? I seriously think a female-to-male transsexual is the right choice for me, somehow. It would make perfect sense, wouldn't it? I dunno. It's just confusing as all hell sometimes. I try not to think about it but I have a lot of time on my hands.

At any rate... here are some famous women that I find attractive and why.

Michelle Clunie - Played Melanie Marcus on Queer as Folk. She's a tough-as-nails lesbian that doesn't take crap from anyone. She's got a beautiful body, smart, beautiful smile... but has that fire in her eyes that just supercharges my interest. *sigh* ... the girl who plays Lindsey, on the other hand, is a total basketcase and wimp... more like me, I'll admit.

Angelina Jolie - It's a recurring theme here, no? Again tough, brilliant, witty, beautiful, charming.

Claudia Black - Played Aeryn Sun on Farscape. How could anyone not love this woman? She'd be a pain in the ass, but in the sack and in the realm of love... a fierce lover, protector and nurturer.

Beth Massi - The only non-actress on my list. I first learned of her through my friend Jose. Beth used to work for the same company I work for now. She got fed up and left before I ever got there. She now works at Microsoft. I've seen videos of her doing interviews with other VB.NET team members at Microsoft and I've read her blog. I've experienced code she's written at GiftRAP. She's absolutely brilliant, funny, fun-loving, and apparently stubborn and hot-headed. Pure magic in her smile, too.

But alas, these are not meant to be for me since they all have their own lives far away from me, etc. most of them married lives. But I can't deny the attraction. I spent the night with a guy two days ago and although it was fun and I definitely got my freak on... I still find it less stimulating than the exchanges Twink and I used to have. (Twink is another one I would put on my list).

I don't understand it. I can't qualify or explain it. The only thing I can think to describe it is that these people bring out facets of my personality that I absolutely adore to express... but don't have the opportunity to in a world where I have to be so damned amenable. Steven put it best... he wanted someone to fight with. It's crazy! But it's true. Someone you can spar with that can take everything you can dish out... and for whom you can take everything they dish out too. Between the two of you, you know that nothing can take the others' place and that in no way would you ever do anything to really harm the other.

But it can't only be like that. There has to be warm and fuzzy, cuddly lovey times too. The perfect balance between these concepts is established between two people who truly love each other. You feel safe enough to trust that they won't throw the punch that kills you and they won't walk away from you in the middle of a good fight... or a good love.

So... I'm not sure what to do now... but wait and see what God has in store for me. I can only say this tho... it'll be someone extraordniary, that's for sure!

Peace,
Jenna

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Previous 24

So, the last 24 hours has been interesting, to say the least. For the first time in a couple years, I had a date last night. Picked me up at about 8:30 and we went to Applebee's for a couple drinks and then out to the beach. I won't go into the details about what happened as it's too personal for an open blog like this (yes Samara, I'll write about it in my private journal), but I think it's sufficient to say that I had a wonderful time! Even if I never see him again, I will hold the memory of last night until I die. :D

Naturally, I was in a pretty good mood at work today. I managed to get two big things resolved at the office today, for which I'm blissfully thankful for! I felt a weird vibe today at the office and had to get my feelings confirmed or denied by my boss. It was the same vibe I had just before I was let go at Radixx. Fortunately I was completely off-base. There's a lot of concern about our next release for some reason.

I'll never understand why we as human beings get all bent out of shape over doing something we love doing, getting paid for it, and then getting paid more to keep doing it even better than before. It's the whole "meeting expectations" thing. But I would think that if people are happy with the product, there's really no need to make such grand expectations and then horsewhip people into doing meeting them. A much better model is to encourage the growth, development and excitement of the application rather than set high expectations that have to be met... OR ELSE.

I'd rather be happy with what I have and then be pleasantly surprised by a new version of a product than deal with "regular releases" that have been forced into production without adequate testing or thought. That leads to bugs and problems and all kinds of stupidity.

Anyway, I was in a pretty good mood when I got home. I went in to chat with Sadao but he's apparently in a mood because when I made a fun-loving comment about what he was doing (browsing a gay website) I got the "mind-yer-own-business" attitude. Well, that always results in the same response from me... which is to shut down and leave him alone.

I really wish I could meet someone that was a) interested in me physically and b) could spar mentally with me without taking it so seriously. It would be so much fun! I guess it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, eh? (then it's friggin' hysterical).

I got two other parties possibly interested in the house this week. I'm going to meet one of them this weekend. Hopefully, with time, money, blood, sweat, tears and patience (LOTS of patience) I can finally get this albatross off my neck.

Anyway, just a quick update since I didn't have time to do that earlier.

Peace,
Jenna

Monday, October 20, 2008

Cooler Head

Okay... I've cooled off a little bit since my last post. After really thinking this through I can see that I'm in the same position with Sadao as Rob was in with me a few years ago.

When Rob and I were together, I had a habit of inviting friends over to party at our house. When problems came up (drama) I was unwilling to tell these people, to whom I had opened our home, to get the hell out. At one point, during the aftermath of one of these parties, I looked to Rob and he ordered the exodus of the party people ... or at least the ones causing the problem.

I understand now what Rob was feeling and thinking at that time. I invited these people. It was my home just as much as it was Rob's. If I had a problem with them, I should have kicked them out myself. It can be done in a nice way. Unfortunately it had to be done in a rather threatening way by that point. Cliques were created and a whole lot of he-said, she-said started going on. This is what I get for paying attention in school and not getting involved in high-school politics in high-school... they eventually caught up with me.

Now, I'm in the same situation but my role has changed. Now I'm the one looking at others taking far too much advantage of our hospitality... but I didn't send out the invitations this time. I'm wondering if history must repeat itself with me in Rob's role. Do I have to step in and lay down the law? It *is* my home too... so from one vantage point it would seem that I should. However, if I do all the work, then Sadao will not learn to do it for himself. Maybe he must learn it the same way I did. If that's the case, I fear that the relationship between Sadao and I will suffer for it. Then again, it might get stronger, who knows.

I'd like to point out that these are not "couple problems." In no way does my personal relationship with Rob bear any resemblance to my relationship with Sadao. Sadao and I are not a couple. These are situational problems that I just got away from... only to see them come knocking at my door again.

I've chosen to no longer expect Sadao or Travis to be able to contribute anything to the household monetarily. I accept that there are things they can and can not do and I've taken to calling them family, so that's that. Now, I would just ask that they help protect what's ours and not leave it open for theives ... even theives who are pretty, nice, funny, and all-around fun people to be around. (wink)

Peace,
Jenna

ARGH!

"You do too much!" "You're not helping!" ARGH!

Why can't people just take care of themselves? WHY?! Why can't they see the world around them and handle their own business? Why do we let depression and self-pity take control of our actions?! It makes me so mad!!

My roommate gets SO cranky and maudlin in the mornings. He's sick right now, so it's double-trouble. Meanwhile, I'm trying to focus on things that will keep my spirits light and my energies focused on what needs to be done. And yet that disgusting little monster called depression always finds it's way to my door through someone I care about. I'm sick of it!

Is the answer to stop caring? Should I just stop giving a shit about other people and mind my own business? That's what Twink would suggest. How much depressing BS can one person take before they just tell everyone to shut the hell up and start doing something about their lives?

Yes... yes, I'm not much of one to talk here. I've been in the grip of the monster too. It's held me back from being all that I can be in the past and it will probably try to find another avenue of attack against me at it's earliest convenience. Before, I would let it rule over me and guide my actions. I would let it strangle me into giving up so much of myself until there was almost nothing left. Now, it's just making me angry and it would seem that all the kindness in the world will not defeat it.

This is a case where Love MUST become tough. It must bear the brunt of the onslaught of negativity and stand stalwart against it. It makes me cringe, though. I never know whether or not the person within the grips of the monster will see for themselves that I am not against THEM... but THAT which HAS them. I can feel the desire to fight welling up within me... and it is not a fight with my friends... it's a fight with the monster itself.

The sins of self. I'm not talking about taking care of one's self and being true to one's self. I'm talking about putting one's self in a position to demand pity or praise for their situation or actions. We do what we do because we are led to do it. Just be sure what's leading you is right for you. If it's not, then take action to change it... and fast... before it sucks the very life out of you.

I know how my roommate felt now when he had to deal with my battle with the monster. I understand his love for me moreso now than I did before. This monster is a tricky little bastard. He can use just about anything to keep us from seeing eye-to-eye and sharing our love with one-another... it goes on around us all the time... all over the world... between people and nations... and it's being doing it for several millennia.

I pray for the strength and endurance to withstand the crap and see past the bullshit into my friend's eyes... and to help him see himself the way I do... the way God sees him. So that he might see that his burden is not so heavy as he thinks... and that he has nothing to fear.

Pray for us, please.

Peace,
Jenna

Friday, October 17, 2008

Secret Agent Super Drag Queen

I'll get to the subject of this entry in a minute. First, I'm gonna talk about this blog.

Well, okay... my "blog" is more like a "journal" or "diary." Let's consider where "blog" comes from. It's a shortened version of Weblog... which is just a conjunctive word made up of web and log. The web is slang for the World Wide Web. Log, in this context, is similar to a chronological list of activities. So, it's a time-dated list of things and the list is stored on the web somewhere. Yay!

Well, to me, a log is something that say... a ship's captain would keep. It might also be a list of activities that are done by someone in their job. Basically, it's action auditing. So, since this is more of a collection of feelings, advice and esoteric notions than it is activities (yes, these things are based on actions) I guess it's more of a journal. I would use LiveJournal for this... but it sucks. Moving on.

There once was an old movie called "Secret Agent Super Dragon" ... it was basically a child's view of what being a super spy must be like ... but played out by obviously adult actors. The worst James Bond movie times ten. Anyway, Joel and the Bots from Mystery Science Theater 3000 took it on and comedy history was made with the line "I'm a naughty little cheesy blintz!" Yeah, you'll have to see it to understand it.

At any rate, this was one of my favorites when the show was on the air. The epitome of ridiculousness and the good sense to make fun of it. Well, I found it out at FYE last night in a collection with 3 other MST3K movies. $60 was the price of my nostalgic happiness. Yes, I could have used that for just about anything else that would further my life. But I really needed a mighty dose of the good stuff last night.

Watching it last night, I realized how really nuts the main character was about his appearance, presence and cockiness. Considering what I know about drag queens (which is a lot, trust me on this one), I can safely say that anyone that would call themselves super dragon could (and probably should) be classifed as a drag queen.

I'm considering remaking that movie shot-for-shot with a drag queen as the main character. It would actually make a lot more sense that way, I think.

Anyway... moving on.

I'm looking forward to working on resurrecting iamjenna.com this weekend. I have ideas for the project now that are burning me up with motivation! Everything on my site was completely original. From the code that ran the site to all the content for the site (videos, pictures, writings and music). Is it posisble that this old queen still has some creativity buried deep within her like a neanderthal trapped in a block of ice? Yes, I think it is. :) For I *am* Secret Agent Super Drag Queen. :)

Peace,
Jenna

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Sally Fields Moments

It's funny how one small thing can motivate me to get moving on something when mountains of other things, usually much larger in size or imperative, will generate nothing more than a staunch resistance to progress.

Shortly after my last post, Samara O'Shea sent me an e-mail thanking me for mentioning her book. I certainly wasn't expecting a thank-you and it shook me up a little. Now, yes, I know, we're all humans on the same planet, our similarities are more abundant than our differences, etc. blah blah blah... so nothing should really surprise me anymore. But the unexpected will never cease to surprise us. I think that's part and parcel to the meaning of "unexpected."

At any rate, she said she was looking forward to following my blog. As odd as this might sound, it struck a little fear in my heart. What on Earth did I really have to be afraid of? Nothing. But still, I found myself digging through my blog looking for things that I wanted to say then but am now not so sure I still want to say that I said them. I felt like a teenager, hastily straightening up my room before a friend arrived. This, in a nutshell, is motivation.

While in the throes of wondering what the hell I've said over the past few months, I re-read what's at the top of my blog:

Here you'll find tales of my journeys through life. Regardless of what they mean to me or anyone else, the facts remain that they occurred and they are hereby recorded for anyone bored enough to read through it. I am a post-operative male-to-female transsexual, a software developer, a musician, a geek of the highest order... but more basic that that... just another lonely, confused human on this planet... and these are my stories.

Had I really talked about any of that stuff in my blog? *shrug* Beats me. But now it seems I've come to a cross-roads again. I recall having a website called iamjenna.com ... one that I really wish ... ... ...

Okay... once again, happy weirdness abounds. I interrupted my own entry here to go check on something and it completely changed where all this is going. I was about to reminisce about my old site and how motivated I was with it, and how I gave it up and then couldn't get it back... ptooey!

I just checked... the domain name is available again. Well... not any more right now! I just snatched it back from the jaws of death. W00t! It was being held up by one of those "This doman name is available for purchase from our stinky company" things and so I figured I'd never see it again. Things are oddly coming together!

Well, before I start affecting the internet and the lives around me too much more (who knows, I might affect time itself soon), I'm going to close this entry and reflect on the miraculousness of this event. More later, apparently!

Note To Self

I picked up a book yesterday which I have the feeling is going to be a fun read. It's by Samara O'Shea and it's called "Note To Self: On Keeping a Journal and Other Dangerous Pursuits." It's basically writings from this woman's journal's accompanyed with how writing in her journal because theraputic and empowering for her. I'm actually considering this book as a gift for a friend of mine. I think she would really enjoy it and identify with some of what the writer has said. I just got through the introducion and already I'm hooked. :)

No further progress on getting the house in Orlando sold yet. I'm not sure when/if that will happen at this point.

I might have a date soon. !!shock!! We'll see... he's a boat captain and ... wow... I just thought about that just now. Well, anyway, he's a boat captain and he tried to jump in the sack with me from day one but I disappointed him there. However, he hasn't run away yet either so I'm just gonna wait and see how this works out. One thing I know for certain... I'll not be one of "those" at "every port" kinda girls.

In other news, my roommates and I continue to irritate, confuse, worry and uplift each other like some strange, eclectic, dysfunctional family. Sadao might have picked up a DJ gig for us in May (MAY!... wtf?!) at a school. Travis is still jobless and I am sleepless.

On the up side... Jay said I'd get a massage today. That's happy since my neck, shoulders and back are killing me today.

Anyway... more later.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A Sense of Perspective

I've been a little down on myself for my job performance. I've been feeling like I've really not been performing well since there are some work items that I just haven't been able to get to and other work items have been taking me longer than predicted.

A thought occurred to me to actually do some metrics tho, just for grins.

I was hired at this company to write in Visual Basic.NET 2008. Up until August 8th, that's what I was doing. On July 25th (or perhaps shortly before) they switched me to start learning and working on a 4 year old application written in Visual FoxPro. I had never touched VFP code in my life... didn't know the language at all.

The work items are all recorded as needing just a few hours to complete. That's been my stumbling block.

But here's the facts... and they are indisputable:

I've been a VFP developer for just under 12 weeks now (83 days to be precise). I've completed code for 13 work items in that time. I'd say that 13 work items completed by an "entry level developer" in a language they've never seen before on an application with 4 years of history and changes is pretty darned good. Maybe I'm being a little precocious, but I guess I do deserve a little slack, after all.

So.... thhhppptptptptpttpp to those stupid feelings of depression.

:)

Peace,
Jenna

Saturday, October 11, 2008

What are you anyway?

I wrote this as a response to a question on TS Dating where someone had asked what a real TS is since he had found so many "fakers" on the site. There was a lot of "yeah! there ARE a lot of fakers!" going on in response and I had to step in and say something for those whose voices were not being heard. I guess I just can't get rid of the Superman gene no matter how hard I try.



This is going to be a rather lengthy post and I apologize to those out there with short attention spans. Try to stick with it, tho, as you are able.


To answer the question from a grammatical/definitive angle, here's what dictionary.com has to say about it:

noun
1. a person who has undergone a sex change operation [syn: transsexual]
2. a person whose sexual identification is entirely with the opposite sex [syn: transsexual]

I'm not about to go on about what one is supposed to be beyond that other than to say this: Look at women in life. There are ALL kinds. To assume that there is only ONE kind of transexual would be just as heinous as saying there's only one kind of woman or one kind of man.

Looking back, I can see that for me, personally, the physical journey of transition was to make the outer body image match the inner body image. It was so that when I look into the mirror, I don't see a stranger's face. That's me, personally.

I absolutely laud and lift up those who make changes in their lives to bring about their own happiness as long as it does not bring physical harm to another creature on God's Green Earth.

Mental & Emotional harm are definitely nothing to dismiss, however I can personally attest to the ability of a strong mind to only become stronger through this kind of torture.

Before my surgery, I sought division between the gender expressions. I looked down my nose at anyone who was not serious about surgical reassignment and considered them fake, shallow, only about sex, and treated people... human beings... with a holier-than-thou attitude. I was righteous and they were scum. I was goal-oriented, centered, focused and deliriously happy with myself and my friends who all agreed with me.

After my surgery, I went through a period of depression the likes of which I had never before experienced. I sought out a group of friends that were "gender normal" but accepted all humans thinking that I could finally fit in to the society I so desperately wanted to be a part of in the role that I wanted to play.

The problem is, my secret was discovered and became known throughout my group of friends. Suddenly, I was an enemy... not because I had changed my gender, but because I had lied to them. With love and patience, they got over it... but I had a great struggle with it, personally. In the end, I lost my lover of 10 years, my house, my job and eventually all the friends I had made prior to surgery, and those after my surgery.

It has taken me a VERY long time to recuperate from all this. To be able to stand up to ANYONE who asks the questions and say, "Yes, you're right, I didn't *NEED* to change. There was nothing wrong with me before. And there's nothing wrong with me now, either."

Look at us... all of us... Normies, CDs, TVs, TSs, GQs, DQs, whatever the label... take a really GOOD look. We are all those who stand up to a society that says, "You must live like this" and we respond with a healthy, "Hell No, We Won't GO!" attitude. That's incredible! That's something to celebrate! The more division we create, the worse things gets. It requires more legislation, more definition, more and more and more and more ... red tape and bullshit.

Live and Let Live isn't a personal motto. It's a motto for ALL people.

I bring this to you as an honest, loving warning about what hate for love's sake can bring to one's life. Someone else's way may not be your way, but if it's making them happy and not hurting another in the process, let them have their life their way.

Henry David Thoreau said it very poetically:

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears , however measured or far away."

Peace,
Jenna

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The One

So once again, I'm gonna post something that I wrote on a different site first. On the TSDating site, one of the girls decided to start a threat about what we girls looked for in a man. She began to describe her soul-mate's qualities and was told that she'd probably not find that here. I had to chime in, of course, and this is what I wrote. (removed the names tho)

K******,

Yeah, I hear ya. And A******, you might be right. But the topic's pretty valid I think. I think it's different for everyone, too. Some people are comfortable in a cottage while others need a mansion.

So why not keep the thread going anyway. Personally, I'm fairly self-sufficient. I've had to be. I've learned that I can do without a lot more than I thought I do without.

I've had many companions throughout my life so far. In most cases we swore to stick with each other to the end even though it didn't happen. That was usually because the definition of what was required to stick together became different than what the definition was when we got started. Funny how that works.

For me, my life-long companion will be someone who doesn't need me for anything ... and I won't need them for anything either. We will be the best of friends that WANT to be with each other, not need. We will WANT to let each other experience life the way we each need to for ourselves and then WANT to share those experiences with each other, keep each other company, keep each other from having to sleep alone, etc. There will be no expectations and complete trust.

That person will also be someone that will be beyond reproach. If someone tries to tell me something "negative" about my companion, it won't make me wonder or bring me doubt. It will be a ridiculous notion to me because of my love and trust for that person. That person will be my life-long love for I will never be proven otherwise even with insurmountable evidence to the contrary. There will be a reason for any "curious activity" that he or she does which will become evident with time.

I can safely say that because I firmly believe that man can not separate those who are truly brought together in Love.

As far as other things like physicalities and personality... what I look for is written right on my profile. I may be so blessed that my life-long companion fits my physical needs too. But then again, I might not. I might become a paraplegic or become blind or something that takes one or more of the physical joys away from me.

But the life-companion or soul-mate is what I seek. I doubt I'll find them here. I may have already found them and just can't see it for myself yet. Life has a funny way of changing when you least expect it, so do yourself a favor and live it with joy and without regret or concern about "the one" for you. That person is out there somewhere, wondering the same thing right now.

Peace,
Jenna

I think that pretty much sums it up. On a personal/selfish note... I hope I'm right about having already met that person. Because there's someone I miss a lot.

Peace,
Jenna

Friday, October 3, 2008

A Dissertation on Love

God... don't I ever talk about anything else? Well, no, not really.

So, I'm this dating website called TSDating.com. The site's okay... but the people are top-notch. One girl had a question about the phrase "The Best Of Both Worlds" and what it meant. There were LOTS of comments and a great discussion came about from it. I felt compelled to write on it myself and then felt compelled to share it here:
From my own experience... I've been:

1. Attracted to girls as a guy.
2. Attracted to guys as a guy.
3. Attracted to guys as a girl.
4. Attracted to girls as a girl.

5. ... ... so far I've been staying within my own species.

Looking back, the one thing I've seen in common with ALL of these cases was how we felt about each other as people and how we complemented each others' lives so well.

A line from Debbie on Queer As Folk comes to mind... "Gender is just God's way of accessorizing."

Honestly, if you have the chemistry, you can work out the physics involved and then both partners have the best of each others' worlds, in my opinion.

I've often thought that perhaps the "Best of Both Worlds" meant that I was already complete and requiring nothing more. At the time, that felt very lonely to me. It was almost a "write-off" as if to say "Well, you don't really need anything else, you've got the best of both worlds... so just go have fun."

But nobody NEEDS anyone else. We CAN all survive in this world without companionship. So I found it to be a rather irritating statement when spoken from that aspect because it implied exclusion rather than inclusion.

The point is, we can choose to accept comments such as this one as admiration or as sarcasm or as anything we want. I've learned, for myself, to judge the spirit that is present when things are said, rather than what was actually said. If the spirit is good and light-hearted, there is nothing to fear. If the spirit is not, then other reactions will arise.

I guess I didn't answer the question much other than to say that for me, it depends on who said it and how they said it before I can make a judgment call. It's more of a feeling than a knowing.

Peace,
Jenna

I guess what I'm saying here is... Love is. Sometimes it falls apart... sometimes it comes back together. Sometimes it acknowledges boundaries (why... I have NO clue)... and sometimes it just overflows. Anyway, just thought I'd share that.

Peace,
Jenna

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Revelations and Re-Visions

Phew... yesterday was interesting.

Last night I got a call from someone I didn't expect to hear from. She and I have had an interesting past together. She sent me an e-mail that I finally realized was a "Thank You" note. She described how her view on life, enemies, friends, etc. had changed based on the experiences we had shared. They had changed for the better for her. I had been looking at from a very selfish viewpoint up until then. This time, I let God show me what she was saying. It would be an understatement to say that I was moved. I realized that although our experiences had been fraught with despicable actions toward each other, we had both learned so much from the experience that it was beyond our ken at the time to see what the purpose of it was.

I thank God for finally revealing to me the reason for the "shortcut" through the wilderness ... it didn't feel like a shortcut at the time... but I know that based on the direction I was heading before I met her, it would have taken me a MUCH LONGER time to figure it out.

It's hard to know when we're being selfish sometimes. What is taught is not always learned as it was intended to be learned.

On another note, I found that I'm going to have quite the task ahead of me regarding the house in Orlando. Apparently one of the bathrooms is in dire need of cleaning... the fridge still has food in it... and the back door lock has been broken (which means there might have been homeless people in the house at some point... only God knows what I might find there). So I'm leaving for Orlando EARLY on Saturday to get to the house in plenty of time to review it and take care of some things before the realtor gets there. I should also have had the lawn resolved before then, too.

Lastly, I was given a tiny revelation today. Last night I stopped Amadeus (Travis' cat) from killing a mouse in the driveway. But I apparently didn't notice the other mouse. I found it this morning. I know that in the wild, the mouse acts as food for the cat. I know it's nature. But I have a soft spot for all God's creatures great and small.

While I was thinking about this, I was reminded of a passage in Isaiah, chapter 11, verse 6:

"And the wolf will dwell with the lamb, And the leopard will lie down with the young goat, And the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; And a little boy will lead them."

I was thinking last night that this was something we were to achieve here on Earth. Then I remembered Luke 12:51:

"Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division."

I thought about this and realized that the wolf dwelling with the lamb was symbolic for the peace that death provides us... when we are all truly equal again. It is not for us to change the nature that God (in His infinite wisdom) has put in motion. He knew that through conflict we would become stronger and would understand the nature of that strength and when to use it. I never liked conflict, but I understand it's purpose now.

I find it slightly humorous that I took several trips via mind-expanding substances to find the answers to life, existence, behavior, etc. only to come full circle and re-discover the words written years ago as they were meant for me to read. Now I just need to get a Bible again.

Peace,
Jenna

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Beat the Clock

Well, technically, the clock has already beaten me. But I might still have a chance.

Basically, I'm trying to get rid of a house in Orlando (not an easy task these days). My mortgage company is not very pleased with me (to say the least) but they're being a little understanding given some of the crap I've been going through lately.

Anyway... I have a realtor now who specializes in short sales. I've also left messages for a couple of lawn-care companies who can hopefully get the lawn in order. I'm meeting with the realtor on Saturday to discuss what we can do.

If I don't get a sale on the house in 90 days, Countrywide will let me do a deed-in-lieu. But until then, I have to try to get the house sold. Not an easy task by any means. This house has already affected my credit now for the past 7 months (yay!) so I'm gonna be hip-deep in this for a while. But, sometimes healing takes a while (as I mentioned before).

Anyway, hopefully there's still enough time to get out from under
this house without the bank smashing my nads completely. We'll see.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Keep Learning and Understanding

Letting go isn't the easiest thing to do, it seems.

As Sting would sing, "If you love someone, set them free."

Do I believe that? Yes... but that makes love hurt like all hell. It's never easy to look at someone you love and do what's good for them when it breaks your own heart doing it. Although for some people, it appears to be easier than for others.

For me, it's heart-wrenching. It puts you in that realm where you don't know what the ultimate outcome will be and you have to have faith and trust in something you really believe in.

"Should I stay or should I go?"

There's give and take in any relationship... whether it be with a lover, a family member or a friend. Sometimes I get my wires crossed about which is which. Sometimes the same person can cause my heart to leap for joy and sometimes shatter it into a million and one pieces.

Why do we do it? Why put ourselves through the rollercoaster? Because the good times are just that good, my friend. My mother taught me that not too long ago. Despite some of the personal hurt and heart-wrenching moments she had with my father, the good times with him far outweighed the bad times in quantity and quality.

When others are quarreling, we can see the issue itself without respect to the sides being taken emotionally by those within the "contest." We can see the outside forces affecting each of them and understand why the emotions and sensitivities are so pronounced when they can not. But when we ourselves are under the same pressure, we often can not see it for ourselves and become embroiled within our own needs. It takes someone with great presence to look outside their own self and see themselves through another person's eyes.

Sometimes there are things we simply can not live with. We might try to live with it... perhaps through understanding of situations simply because we ourselves were once in the same situation. However, sometimes seeing another go through that is too much to bear. We all have our breaking points, no matter what we might say.

There have been many times I have looked back and truly admired my friends and loved ones for the restraint they showed in admonishing me or correcting my behavior... simply because they knew that the best way for me to learn was through experience. But there have also been times when I wondered why they weren't firmer with me given the fact that they knew where I was going.

But one can never be truly free until they've been allowed to make their own mistakes in life... sometimes more than once. Figuring out when to hold back and when to put one's foot down is the hard part. But I'll never make it to where I want to be unless I figure it out for myself, accept it and stand by it for better or for worse, without compromise.

Yes, I agonize over forks in the road. I shouldn't have to, really. I've been down some of these roads before and therefore know where they lead. This should make it much easier to pick the OTHER path. I pray for that wisdom and courage every day of my life. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't.

But through it all, I know that I am learning, even if just a little bit each day. I look forward to when life finally speeds up on me and the gray hair flows in the breeze.

Peace,
Jenna

Takes a Little TIme

This song really ministered to my spirit this morning. Amy Grant's "Takes a Little Time"

It takes a little time sometimes
To get your feet back on the ground
It takes a little time sometimes
To get the titanic turned back around
It takes a little time sometimes
But baby you're not going down
It takes more than you've got right now
Give it time

What's this walking thru my door
I know I've seen the look before
Sometimes in faces on the street
Sometimes in the mirror looking back at me
You can't fix this pain with money
You can't rush a weary soul
You can't sweep it under the rug, now honey
It dont take a lot to know
(chorus)

Now it may not be over by morning
But rome wasn't built in a day
You can name this thing a thousand times
But it wont make it go away
Let me put my arms around you
And hold you while you weep
We've been talking and talking
I'm sick of this talk
And it's nothing that wont keep
(chorus)

No you cant fix this pain with money
You can't rush a weary soul
You can't sweep it under the rug now honey
It don't take a lot to know
(chorus)

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Thanks Sis

Well, I'm getting ready to leave for church. Yup! I'm gonna check out the MCC Church in Palm Beach Gardens today. I want to see if it's Spirit-filled or just going through the motions.

I want to publicly thank my sister in Christ, Stacy for giving me a TON of music a while back. Most of it was Christian Rock and stuff I listened too when I was in my teens and twenties. We're talkin' Petra. :) Their songs are so uplifting and it's definitely cool water for me after a long dry spell in my life!

So thank you, Stacy. :) I love you and miss you!

Peace,
Jenna

Friday, September 26, 2008

Hmm...

Well, I finally worked up the courage to do something. I called someone today who had been a close friend of mine back in my camp counseling days. Unfortunately, he was busy but suggested I call back at around 5:30 ... which I plan to do.

I, briefly, had the chance to tell him who I was now and who I was then... but I could sense the impatience and perhaps a little bit of shock over the phone. I am wondering if he will actually be there to answer the phone when I call back. The reason I say that is because he didn't say goodbye... he said, "Okay, Sir." and hung up.

Sir?? Now, he and I had a falling out, it's true. I want to apologize to him for all that and let him know that I've asked for God's forgiveness... knowing what I was going through at that time in trying to find "acceptance." But even so, I wasn't expecting "Sir." Maybe he was simply trying to display a manner of decorum at work... I don't know... I mean he owns the place so I would think he could do and say whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. But then, what do I know... not much... it's been over 16 years since we spoke last.

If it wasn't important to me... if he wasn't someone important to me in my life, I wouldn't bother. Regardless of the outcome, I will leave it all in God's hands I guess and see where it goes. I could be completely misreading it or I could be right-on-the-money with my estimation. Either way, I can only pray that God's will be done here. Maybe he just needs to yell at me for a bit. And if so, then I'll let him.

Pray for me. Pray for him. Just Pray.