Saturday, September 4, 2010

Holy Shit... an Entry!?

Well what can I say... I couldn't stay away forever. :)

Life has been pretty busy, actually (obviously). My roommates decided to move out. Originally they had a plan that looked like it was going to work out pretty well for them, but if didn't work out (like most plans) and so they're living with one of the guys' mother. C'est la vie, non?

Now, I'm alone, again. I haven't lived alone in 7 years. It was 2003 when Rob and I got back together and bought a house. 2006, he and I split up for the last time and I moved in with Twink. 2008 I moved to Port St. Lucie with Sadao. He left at the beginning of this year, leaving John and Jeremiah... who left just a week ago tomorrow.

So... since I last posted, things have been busy. Now it's me and my cat Bishop ... and my new bunny, Dargo. I find I'm happy with it... but not... all at the same time. Regardless, there's not much I can do about it at the moment.

Work life is pretty good. It's been BUSY though. I've started making a plan of my own, but I'm keeping the details "loose" so the universe can't completely screw with it. Never put all your eggs in one basket... (unless all you have is one basket).

One bit of good news, I got started on hormones again. I can already feel them starting to do their magic, too. Kinda weird... it's been a few years now. But I'm glad I'm getting MY life back in order now instead of helping every one else. I guess it is time for me for a bit. I'm here until May... after that, I don't know what. I have some ideas, but as I already said... I'm not letting the universe know too much. It fucks with me more often than I would like.

I've been thinking about taking these notes, this journal of mine and committing them to a book for anyone who might want to be the maniacal ramblings of a 40 y/o tranny. I figure that if time is money and I'm spending my time writing it all down... I might as well try to get paid for it.

Yes, things are changing for miss Jenna. I'll probably be writing more. I've got a lot to do to this house before I can vacate. I have work to do on my car (or get a new one) and there are still adventures to be had. Getting there is the hard-work part. I always hate that part. But it does make one appreciate it that much more.

Anyway, this is just a quick note to update and remind anyone who might be paying attention that I'm still here.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Diligence! It's important (yeah, right)

Okay... so every now and then I will click on a link (usually an ad) that piques my interest. This one said "Secret to Rapid Muscle Growth Discovered by Scientists." I was understandably curious. So I clicked on the link. I didn't think it was an ad at first.

I was directed to a site called Men's Best. It began discussing this safe alternative to steroids. It wasn't long before I realized this was an ad disguised as a men's health site. That's fine... as long as the information is credible. It was, in fact, giving a glowing review about a product called Force Factor that purportedly uses Nitric Oxide to boost muscle growth. I was reading with interest but at some point my brain went, "wait a minute... I don't know about that." Here is that point:

Nitric Oxide is produced naturally by your body when you work out, so you know it is safe.

Oh really? What if I replace the subject with Carbon Dioxide?
Really? This is called the soft and sleazy sell. "Oh, well your body produces this for making your muscles work better and harder... so you know it's got to be good for you!"

So, my natural sense of diligence kicked in. Over to Wikipedia I went and guess what I read about Nitric Oxide? Oh stop guessing, here it is:

Nitric oxide (common name) or nitrogen monoxide (systematic name) is a chemical compound with chemical formula NO. This gas is an important signaling molecule in the body of mammals, including humans, and is an extremely important intermediate in the chemical industry. It is also an air pollutant produced by cigarette smoke, automobile engines and power plants.

NO is an important messenger molecule involved in many physiological and pathological processes within the mammalian body both beneficial and detrimental. Appropriate levels of NO production are important in protecting an organ such as the liver from ischemic damage. However sustained levels of NO production result in direct tissue toxicity and contribute to the vascular collapse associated with septic shock, whereas chronic expression of NO is associated with various carcinomas and inflammatory conditions including juvenile diabetes, multiple sclerosis, arthritis and ulcerative colitis.

Force Factor is apparently loaded with this stuff. Still thinking about trying it? But then... who do say is right? Maybe Wikipedia got it wrong. It's not impossible. Maybe there's more to this Nitric Oxide idea than meets the eye. My gut reaction was to the soft-sell, of course... the "Oh you know it's good for you because your body naturally produces it."

Please... stop patronizing us advertisers. Talk to us like people, damnit... not like children. If you're going to talk about something that can easily be researched via the largest collection of information of all time, give us ALL the information yourself... not just part of it. Those who have gone before me weren't afraid to call bullshit on something that didn't sound right... I'm not afraid either.

Really people... diligence is important.


Monday, May 24, 2010


I've not posted here in a while. Most of my internet addiction has been concentrated on Facebook lately... but I think I've finally kicked that habit.

Life has been an emotional roller-coaster ride lately all due to my interactions with one person. It's not been a fun ride, either. I like roller-coasters so perhaps I should give this a more appropriate metaphor... it's been more like torture.

It's important to be careful about who you trust in your life with any real information about you. Gender identity, daily activities, sexual identity don't count, in my opinion. We're sorta past these things and have accepted them about ourselves. Others who can't accept them ... well, that's their problem.

No, I'm talking about things you may have done that could REALLY come back to bite you in the ass. It's not even about trust, really. You can trust someone one minute and completely distrust them the next. The best litmus test, in my opinion, about whether or not someone is trustworthy is to see how they've handled some of their other past friends... and then make the determination as to whether or not they could (at some point) also do that to you.

This is practical advice, honestly. Of course, there's also the question as to why we even tell anyone our dirty little secrets at all. Maybe we secretly want to pay for our past "crimes" and are looking for someone to call us out on something we don't have the strength to bring out into the light ourselves. Regardless, one should be prepared for anything that might come from this.

Basically, right now, all this has left me so emotionally and mentally damaged I'm finding it very hard to trust anyone.... which is kinda shitty since that's all I really want out of life, honestly... someone I can trust with my secrets that won't leave... won't judge... and will stand by me through thick and thin. Someone who will help me find the strength to face my "crimes" and will, without a shadow of doubt, be there with me regardless of the outcome.

So far, still no luck with that. In fact, it keeps getting worse.

So, I have to clean my sheets myself. I have to deal with my past myself... without someone to talk to about them... without someone to encourage me and say, "it's okay, you'll make it ... and I'm not going anywhere."

Kinda sucks... but it's okay, I guess.

I'll write more about this past weekend later. Right now, I just needed to get all that off my chest.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

How is that my problem?

So it's been 5 months since I last wrote... that's a hot minute or two, isn't it? A lot has happened in my life, that's all I can really say... and yet nothing has really changed that much. Typical. It's the inevitable curse of the one who wants to know how all the magician's tricks work. They want to be the magician. Problem is... there's no-one left that wants to be mystified. It's an imbalance, you see.

Okay... this may ramble a bit, sorry... try to keep up (I'm struggling to write it so you should have to struggle to read it... I try to keep things fair).

What happens when all the wonder is gone? When there's nothing but cold hard facts and there's no mystery anymore, what do we have left to wonder about? Well, we can start to wonder why we were so curious in the first place and back track until we figure it out. But then we're right back where we started from... with nothing left to wonder about.

But that's not what I was going to write about... because I actually DO have something to wonder about, still. I wonder why it is that people don't see the obvious. I wonder why it is that people make stories about things rather than take them at face value. It strikes me very odd.

I have a friend who thinks that I think he's the reason for my happiness. He honestly believes that I've pinned all my hopes and dreams on him... yet we are not even in the same county, let alone the same city. I know for a fact that the things that bring me the most joy are the things that I will protect and pursue with great fervor. Like any other human on this planet... whatever it is that gives us that "high-on-life" feeling is what we will defend to the death.

Now I have, in the past, placed my hopes and dreams upon people. But I have also learned (the VERY hard and emotionally damaging way) that people are typically not worthy of my most prized possessions (i.e. my happiness). They'll run off with them. They have been consistent about it. Yet people still believe that I am "hung up" on the idea. Or at least, that's what they say. However, ever since the invention of lying and sarcasm I find it difficult to even believe what anyone says anymore either. True sensory experience is about the only thing that I can 100% believe in, anymore.

It boggles my brain to hear some of the crap I hear flowing from people's mouths day-in and day-out. I am actually quite a simple creature. I do not need a story to explain my existence. I do not have to assume ulterior motives for reasons certain people are in my life. I'm an excellent hunter gatherer. I am also not a half-bad nurturer-provider (if I do say so myself). But the primary reason that people are in my life is simply due to what I can hunt, gather and provide. If I weren't around, they would find someone else to provide for them (or do it themselves). It's simple economics and social patterns.

When people tire of what I provide, or if I place a price upon those provisions that is outside their comfort zone, they leave.

I'm also fairly certain that this same principle is part of what causes people to create the stories they create. My theory is that in order to justify themselves and their stance or position, they must continually point out the perceived inordinate price-tag of my provisions and attempt to invoke guilt within me to compensate and get a better price.

These emotional rapists are everywhere. It makes me wonder if I'll ever find a true equal at all ... and if I do, what would be the point of us showing affection toward each other as we would both consider it to be fake by this point.

My brain hurts. What really hurts is that I have, occasionally, found people with whom I could just let my hair down... and when I do, they run away with the aforementioned prized possessions. It's a catch 22. In order to achieve the peace of mind I so desire, I need to be able to let my guard down and be completely vulnerable with another human being... but the very reason my guard is up is that people always disappoint me when my guard is down... which is what I wanted in the first place. It would seem to follow that all I really want is to get hurt... when I don't... not really.

Eh... I'm tired ... both tired physically and tired of this subject. So, I'm out.