Monday, August 28, 2006

Bite Me, Ernesto

So I actually got up on time and got myself out the door and to the office in Port St. Lucie on time. Yay. I was all ready to get the keys to the house I'll be living in, move in , get settled, etc. etc. blah blah blah. Of course, there's this pesky little storm out there named Ernesto that has to go and screw that idea up. By 3:30 today, it was determined that it's heading straight for Port St. Lucie and will more than likely be at least a Cat 1 by the time it gets there. So... my boss comes and tells me that they're leaving early on Tuesday and not even coming on Wednesday since that's when the storm is going to be there. He then continues on saying that if they have no power or if there are other problems, I probably would not be needed until Friday and since that's the last day of the week and Monday's a holiday... that I might as well wait until Tuesday of next week to come back. That's a full week of wages gone. $1800 ... poof. Grrr.

So, I'm back in Orlando waiting to see what this mass of wind and rain is going to do, if anything. If I'm lucky, it won't do anything an I can return to work on Thursday. We'll see, I guess.

My alarm on my phone just went off and so I have to go make a phone call. Guess I'll cut this short. Didn't really have much to say anyway other than express my irritation at the weather. Wasn't that an exciting read? :-P

Sunday, August 27, 2006

The Disease

I've begun to arrive at a deeper understanding about Life. I've begun to achieve some clarity of thought about who I am, what I am, where my existence is going, where it's been, etc. I've been locked in a world of mythology that I never really believe in. The anthropomorphized idea of a Father God figure, stories told that describe ideas of beings in physical forms so that we may try to understand and comprehend. Yet we don't seem to be able to make sense of it, half the time... what does it all mean and all that shit.

I've begun to realize that what my ancestors called God and Satan are, in my opinion, Life and Life's enemy Death. I've come to understand more about how this whole world of ours plays out. That Life is omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent and that Death is final and is the end of Life. I've also come to believe in the potential to transubstantiate past the physical form of Life into a metaphysical form of Life even though our physical form dies. I've come to understand that the agents of Death are disease and they are everywhere... there are new ones popping up all the time to kill the faithful, to weaken them and knock them down and beat them into submission. The most devastating of them all and the one that has had it's grips on me is a disease of the mind. It fights to take control of that which will transubstantiate past the boundaries of this physical world... it does so to make me lose hope and be less concerned about the physical form. This makes it easier for disease to kill my physical form before I'm ready to transubstantiate. It is the nature of Death.

I've come to the understanding and ability to conceptualize these things in such a manner that allows me to see Life and Death as powers at work in this existance without the need to personify and anthropomophize them. This is what has brought me to where I am right now which I know is a stronger person.

There are agents of Life just as there are agents of Death. These agents are part of nature. Water, H2O, is one. It provides Life to all living things. Without it, our bodies would die. I believe that we are also always looking for ways to fight the demons (diseases) that affect us whether they be of the mind or of the body. Some of these have been considered too powerful for mortal man to wield by those that would seek power over others. Those that would choose to "play God" and control us have deemed them illegal or "controlled" in order to regulate the process of growth. Is too much of a good thing bad? It's hard for me to conceptualize that. It may be tiring, it may be "hard" on the physical body... but I believe that is what makes the physical body stronger too. When one works out to improve their muscles, they must rip and tear at the muscles in order to encourage them to be bigger and stronger, thus being able to handle more stress put upon them. Perhaps my mind is being torn asunder to encourage it to get bigger and stronger and not be so weak in the face of the adversity that is attacking it. This is, in fact, exactly what I believe.

There are those that would think I'm nuts here. Well, that's alright I guess... I'll be nuts if that's what it takes to achieve true happiness for myself and not judge those that choose another path.

I've been struggling with my life's choices for a long time now. I've struggled with the concept of changing genders for a long time and have even contemplated trying to "go back" to what I was before. But that would be a step back from my spiritual growth. I keep forgetting that I have choices. That not only do I have choices with what I do with my physical form, but also how my mind perceives those choices. I keep allowing my love for others, my willingness to accept and love them all to backfire into feelings of doubt about myself. THIS is the disease I am trying to identify here.

Okay... so... I show my acceptance and love for someone else and they show me a judgment they have about me and what I've done. The disease then attacks and tells my mind that I was wrong for doing what I believed was right because something else told me something different. I must continue to fight this and find a way to lash back at that disease that affects me and remind myself that I am who I am because I choose that, because it is right for me. That no-one else's determination of who and what I am, what I've done and how I've lived my life has any bearing over it. I have one being to be responsible to.. that's myself. My Life is precious and it's the only one I have. I can't get another one.

Strength of mind is where I must focus... in addition to strength of body. I've been neglecting the body and it shows. It's time for me to pick up from where I left off and rebuild that which I've let the disease steal from me. The disease still has my mind in it's clutches but I can see that it's still alive and well, waiting for me to fight for it and take it back. I will continue to fight and win... no matter what the cost... for it is MY Life ... and no one else can fight that disease but me.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Put the Needle on the Record

You know that movie, "How Stella Got Her Groove Back?" Yeah... well, I think in my case it's more of a situation where the vinyl was in disrepair, the needle was broken (* wink *), the table mat was ripped up, the tone arm out of balance, etc. etc... but I have news....

The vinyl's been mostly cleaned up and restored, got a brand new needle, and the table's in working order again. Sure, sometimes it skips a little but I'm getting those grooves back one at a time, biotch. :)

I had a horrible morning after I left the house... dealing with Orlando, I-Drive, Monday Morning traffic... twice... dealing with the Bank of Satan (America) and other BS too. But then, by the time I got on the road and started listening to the set I spun last night... I was feeling better. And then, as I was listening I began to put together some of the pieces of what I'm missing in order to find that golden goose called happiness. :) Yeah... go figure this... a DJ saved my life ... and that DJ was me. Weird, eh? I think subconsciously I've been trying to tell myself a message and I've not been listening... but this time I was a captive audience. I know this sounds sorta crazy but I swear it's the truth. I caught myself grinning like an idiot the entire trip to Port St. Lucie today, singing at the top of my lungs, dancing in my seat, bouncing around, screaming "Yeah!" or "Hell yeah!" along the way at the appropriate moments and finally gettin' what my subconscious is telling me.... in other words... I'm pickin' up what I'M laying down for once. Yeah, it's a little weird... but so am I... deal with it or stop reading. :-P

Anyway... that's all i have to say at the moment... I'm off to find alcohol right now. :)


So the Story Goes

Yeah, the continuing story unfolds. It's not unlike any other boy meets girl story other than it's more like... boy becomes girl, meets wrong boy, dumps boy, meets right girl at wrong time, becomes indifferent about gender, meets other girl becoming boy also at wrong time.

Okay, so it's not like the typical boy meets girl story at all... I lied.


The details of that snaggle will remain within the confines of my unequivocably (thank you Heather) befuddled mind until such a time as life warrants the story to be told... which will probably be just before the last trump (thanks Douglas).

I started a new job last week. It's been interesting... getting back on the horse of life again. Twink often has told me about the time she went off the radar for a time due to personal relationship bullshit and strife... I think I got her time beat by a month but that's not important (so why did I mention it... I know... because I like to see myself type, apparently... it's my blog, let me do my thing).

Working for a new company, living in a new place, re-learning the relationship ropes in a different way ... it's all very oddly freeing and at the same time aggravating (it's disgusting but I friggin' love it). I should be asleep right now but I can't sleep thanks to a great conversation that lasted my entire cell battery plus some... it gave it's life for the event.

I'm getting to know myself again... which is weird since I think I left myself behind about... oh... 12 to 14 years ago. That's a lot of catch up to do to get my groove back... but I'm a quick learner usually so I have faith in my ability to overcome myself (thankfully, I know all my weaknesses and know all my own buttons so I don't stand a chance against myself... HA!)

Once I've unlocked all the doors and regained control of this "out of left field" (thanks Daniel) consciousness of mine, I believe my time will come to shine, prosper, flourish like I've never seen before... I believe I've only lightly tapped the full-extent of my possibility so... be prepared for the grand awakening... Insanity awaits with abated breath.

So yeah... now that I've spent a few paragraphs saying everything and nothing simultaneously... I'm going to bed.


Friday, August 11, 2006

Everybody, Anybody, Somebody and Nobody.

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

I love this story. I remember reading it a long time ago (when I was VERY little) and thinking it was very clever. Nowadays, it's more meaningful, of course. Later on, there was even a song I listened to that echoed the same idea. The chorus went like this:

Everybody said that anybody could do / The important things somebody should do / Everybody knows that anybody could do / All the good things that nobody did

It's hard being nobody. Being somebody is pretty easy, actually. All ya gotta do is complain about what nobody did. Being everybody is even easier. But being nobody... well, that's where things get done and all ya get is shit about it because somebody thinks everybody should be doing what nobody did.

The question I always have to ask myself is which one of these four people am I today? I try to be nobody. It pays off (if you can deal with the shit you get for it) simply by seeing the results of what got done. But how do you share that with somebody when they're just going to complain ... or everybody when you know they could/should have done it themselves and will just end up blaming somebody? Sharing is definitely caring... but sometimes caring hurts too much when there aren't any other nobodys to share it with.

Sometimes my priorities are out of whack. Sometimes I'm forgetful. Sometimes I'm VERY tempted to be somebody or everybody. But I'm happiest when I'm nobody. The only thing that makes me happier is to be a nobody for another nobody. I know a few nobodys. But they all have a somebody (yes... I picked that word specifically). I know a lot of somebodys too, and try to stay clear of them... but they're attracted to nobodys, ya know. I don't know everybody, nor do I want to.

I'd say somebody will get this, but I doubt it since they'll be too busy complaining about the fact that I wrote it... and I know everybody won't get this. Anybody could get it... but nobody will absolutely get it.

So... who are you?