Thursday, November 24, 2005

The Calm

Today is Thanksgiving. I have today through Sunday off. It's going to be a long and interesting weekend, I believe. Rob and I "officially" broke up romantically about two weeks ago (even though it really happened long before that). We've finally discovered that we're much better together as friends than as lovers. Every time we try to get involved as lovers, one or both of us are not satisfied and we begin to be mean to each other as a result of the unfulfilled expectations from each other. It's not a bad thing or a good thing... it's just a thing. Others seems to be attaching "meaning" to it more than we are, tho. Whatever, that's their problem... not ours.

His parents are coming today to spend the day with us. They're also spending the night too. It should be interesting to see how all this plays out. I truly hope they can see and understand where we are with this and that we're okay with it. We're being adults about it. Yeah, there were some childish moments like "Well you started it!" and shit like that... but that's a natural reaction. I don't want to lose his friendship or theirs. But I won't tolerate any disrespect or "adult parenting" from them or anyone else for that matter. We can make our own decisions and that's what we've done. Deal with it.

I opened up a couple of entries in my journal that were private before. Felt okay with sharing them now. There are still a few that are way too personal for me to open up at the moment. I may never open them up. But re-reading through a lot of this has helped me follow the progression of my life recently. Heh. I guess sometimes you just gotta look back and say, "How the hell did I get here?"

Tomorrow I may be going to Tampa. Either tomorrow or Saturday. I'm picking up Mouse. He's coming to stay here for a little while until he's able to move up to NC. Why here? He has no where else to go at the moment and I offered. I won't let a friend of mine be homeless. I'm definitely going to Tampa on Sunday. Rob's invited me to go with him to MOSI. Sounds fun, actually. I'm hoping V goes with us. It's her birthday and I know she'd enjoy getting out of the house and doing something "normal" as she puts it. Normalcy is something subjective anyway, so whatever. I love her but my view of normalcy is a tad different I guess. :)

There's rumor of a party this weekend too. I'm hoping there is since we're not going to see Brad Smith on Saturday night now. V can't afford to go/doesn't want to go... Twink doesn't want to hear House music, and I don't want to go without either of them... so... we're looking for something else now. This party would be a good thing because we might be able to get a DJ slot for Laura (Twink's sister). That would be awesome. She's really good and she used to DJ on the radio all the time. Familial responsibilities have taken precedence in her life recently and she just needs a break. I so hope this all goes down and goes down in the right way. That would be freakin' awesome. :)

I'm very VERY proud of Twink. She wrote her first tune the other day. :) While at her house last weekend she asked me to show her what to do in ACID Pro and Soundforge. So I did. And just as I thought, she sat down and put together a track that was unique and very much her. It didn't have all the elements she wanted... but it was definitely the best "first attempt" I've heard from anyone in a long time. Yay! If that's how she gets started... I can't wait to hear what she can come up with with some practice. :)

Well, that's enough for right now. I'll write more later after events unfold. ** poof **

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Just when you think you got it all figured out...

I am one dense bitch sometimes. Okay, maybe most times. I'm pretty sure that at one point in my life... heap many moons ago, I had all this shit figured out. Then I lost it and figured out something else. Losing that, to figure out what I had figured out in the first place is kinda nuts, but I'm giving it a shot. I probably think too much... why else did I get into programming in the first place?

What the fuck am I talking about? Okay, let me bring it into more concrete terms for others who don't live inside my head (yes, that'd be you). Sometimes, I just need to talk. I need to hear myself "think out loud." It helps me see things I hadn't seen before. Of course, when one talks to themselves, it just looks nutty... I've seen people on the side of the road do it and well, it just looks nutty. So I try not to do that.

So the only alternatives are either to not talk about it and suffer the silence in my head (which can be unbearable) or to talk to someone else about it. Now, mind you, I'm not looking for answers from anyone. Well sometimes I am... but if it's something I already know the answer to, sometimes I just need to blab for a bit. The problem is a) making sure you around someone who can tolerate you thinking out loud and b) making sure that person knows that's what you're doing and that you're not asking them for advice, answers or directions. This is one of those things I lost at that one point in my life and am taking back. Think of this as a mental scavenger hunt.

I realize this paints me in the light of "that bitch needs help." And that may be true. Maybe I'm just figuring it all out on my own, though, and getting "help" would do little more than lighten my wallet. This last part makes more sense to me. All I can do is rely on the patience of my friends as I work things out. Thing is, I'm not sure if I've run out of patience and am running on humor alone (being patient with me vs. humoring me). Can insanity truly be that far away? Dunno, don't care. I just want to have a clear mind at some point before I die... that'd be nice.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is this... to anyone who has felt burdened by my ramblings and woes, to those who have felt like they've been chosen by me to fix me or at least attempt repair... I've got it now. I can handle it and it's all good. If I do start to falter, just remind me that I'll figure it out in the end and let me babble a bit. And with that, I'm going to bed... it's late and I'm tired.

Monday, November 21, 2005


Blah... so I'm just sitting here doing laundry, monitoring some stupid BS at work, thinking about all the other crap I was trying to get done today... and realizing I'm just fuckin' stretched too thin, basically. One would think that my S.O. would have helped me out with these things... but since he never did and now he's not my S.O. ... it's still all on me. So now, I have to simplify. Condense. Retract. Regroup. Whatever. It's all a matter of priorities, really. Of course, this week is a rough one. We have the holiday coming up and his parents are coming to visit. I'm hoping there won't be too much drama from it. I have about 18,393,207 things to do and about 2.7 minutes a day to do it in. WTF? Eeeyarg.... it drives me nutz.

Okay, enough bitching. Actually, what I wanted to write about is how free I've been feeling lately. Revent events have opened my eyes and ears to things I had not paid attention to before. I've been fucking up and fucking off. And it's past time I stopped. Now that I'm not so wrapped up trying to figure out what's going on with my relationship, I've become much more focused in my own priorities. This is a good thing. It helps me get better, figure out what I want and where I want to go and what I want to do. Anyone that wants to come along for that ride is more than welcome... but it's my show from here on. Maybe someday I'll meet someone that I can relate to enough and who relates to me enough that it can be "our show." I've felt that connection before, and I've met others who have felt that connection to me. But I've yet to find the one where it's reciprocated both ways. Maybe I never will. But I'm okay with that now. And that is freedom. Freedom from fear of the future and what lies ahead. Freedom from fear, period, to be honest.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I don't need anyone else's approval or acceptance about who and what I am. It's empowering. I have a lot of shit to take care of before I can truly spread my wings and fly... but as soon as the mess that's been made is cleaned up... you can bet that I'll be taking flight ASAFP. Just thought I'd share that. Peace, biotches.

Thursday, November 10, 2005


So, I'm sitting here waiting on the laundry to finish and thinking about all the directions I'm trying to take with my life. It's not hard to see why I've been so scatterbrained lately. I've been like a kid in a candy store recently... grabbing up everything that interests me and trying to hang on to all of it... but my arms aren't quite big enough and some of the stuff I've grabbed has fallen to the ground and shattered. I still have to pay for it, too... even though now I don't want it anymore. Whee. What I need to do is figure out what I really want and put the rest back.

The rule of KISS ... Keep It Simple, Stupid. It's a simple concept, really. But yet I manage to overwhelm myself pretty easily. It doesn't stop with just activities and goals and things like that either. I get wrapped up in emotions and people too. Problem is, I tend to push people away that way. The fact that I can recognize this ugliness about me is a good thing, I've been told. It's the first step on the way to overcoming it. Being "okay with myself" is the key. I like myself alright when I'm alone... but I'm always feeling the need to get that impression validated by others when I'm not.

One arena that always makes me stumble is whenever there are couples around and Rob isn't with me. I end up feeling awkward. If I *were* single, it wouldn't be such a bad thing... because then I could just mingle with whoever and it wouldn't matter. But when he's not around... it makes me wonder about why we're not together.

Actually (and this is where the post goes completely off topic), I often wonder about how much we actually have in common. We met in an internet chat room for transgendered people. I can't remember us actually having all that much in common, to be honest. Some of the video games and movies I like, he liked. We both enjoyed playing role playing games, but that has started to lose it's flavor. Just growing out of it maybe? Or maybe I'm getting oversaturated.

The more I think about what common interests we have, the more I find that they are fewer and farther between. We have different views in TV, Movies, Politics, Music, lots of things. Hell, we don't even get fucked up together. This would seem to be a relationship built on one thing... my transition. But now that the transition is complete... what do we have in common? Helluva time to find all this out.

I'm marginally more compatible with V. But she also reminds me of a time that is now past. I guess maybe I'm growing past my ties of before. Things that were representative of the past should not necessarily be lost or thrown out tho... but if those you love won't grow with you, what do you do? If you grow apart, you have to follow your own path. You can't follow someone else's path if it's not meant for you. I've known since I was 4 years old that my path was going to lead me to music. I left that path for a long time and took another that was interesting to me. But now it's time to get back on track to where I belong.

I love Rob. I love V. I love them both very much. But my life has changed and continues to do so. If they can't keep up, I can't wait forever for them to catch up. And maybe they don't really want to. That's fine too. Rob and I have "gotten used" to each other I think. Well, I need more. The question is, will I ever have the balls to tell him that to his face and mean it... or did I leave those in Thailand?