Warning... New Year Approaching... Please Increase Speed!

Note: I started this on Wednesday... ... well, actually on Tuesday and changed some words on Wednesday and am finally finishing it now. Whatever, just read.

So 2008 is almost gone and 2009 is almost here. Considering the fallibility of humans and their inerrant ability to re-write history, disprove history, etc., it's quite possible that 2009 has, actually, already been here and passed... or maybe we're not even close yet, who knows.

At any rate, the greater portion of the population believes that an event worth being cheerful and merry for is quickly approaching and moreso that it signifies the dawn of a new series of events and the close of another series of events. Whatever. I get Thursday off, so I'm happy.

I always end up doing a lot of soul-searching during this time. Funny thing is, everyone I mention that to says the same thing. They also say, "Everyone does that." I know they don't know exactly what everyone does and that it's basically the same thing I experience... that I'm in tune with just about everyone out there. Pointing out the differences and similarities, arguing over the methodologies of obtaining truths or decrying someone else's experience of an emotional state since it wasn't exactly the same methodology we used to experience are common-place.

So what does it all mean, anyway? Who cares? We all do, at some level. We all care what it means even though we sometimes act like we shouldn't care. We each handle our idea of the truth of existence in our own way, seek to find those that think the same way we do so we can side up against those that think differently. Black and white. Up and Down. On and Off. Life and Death.

It's hard for me to say it's one thing or another. Is my family right? Are my friends right? Who cares? Well, I do because I make friends and family with various walks of life and none of them ever agree with one another other than do disagree with one another. It makes me wonder how we're ever supposed to achieve this grand unifying thing in the first place. Maybe the only thing we are truly unified in is division.

It's prevalent in the books we write, movies we make, the music we play and the lives we live. "You never stand up for yourself! You never say anything which makes me think that you have nothing to say and I don't know if I want to be around someone like that." Followed shortly by "Sheese! Why do you always have to go on and on about this or that, why can't we just be?" There are those we seem destined to always be at odds with and it is usually those that we are attracted to the most.

My life is not an easy one... but then not many peoples' are. It seems that when I had the affluence to do just about anything I was hanging around those that were completely ungrateful for it. Now that I am around grateful people, I don't have the means to rub two pennies together half the time. Where's the balance?

I remember a time in my personal life where the satisfaction of what I had was adequately balanced with the determination to achieve more. I was never too satisfied and was never so motivated that I couldn't relax. This is my personal goal for 2009 and beyond. To recapture the balance of a happy life with those around me. To know when to hold on, when to compromise and when to let go. None of these options seem to make those around me happy, though. And for someone who has only ever wanted to please others, that makes life a challenge, to say the least.

Yes, there are some things in life that I enjoy just for myself. I like playing RockBand. I like to write about life from a philosophical viewpoint. I like to watch musicals, travel to new places, do things I've never done before. I like to sing and write music. I like to change my look to whatever suits my fancy at the time.

I don't have the answers. I'm not someone who can write a column that will inspire someone to get off drugs, quit smoking, lead a decent life, lead an indecent life, whatever. I can only manage to keep myself sane enough to stumble through this strange existence until it's inevitable conclusion. But one thing I do know. I am not alone. I have never been alone. I will never be alone. We are all in this together, and that one shining fact can not be disputed.

May your existence, such as it is, bring you peace, love, health and happiness for you and yours in 2009 and beyond.

Peace,
Jenna

Suicidal Tendencies - Institutionalized

Sometimes I try to do things but it just doesn't work out the way I want it to, and I get real frustrated and then like I try hard to do it, and I like, take my time but it just doesn't work out the way I want it to. Its like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out. And everything I do and everything I try, it never turns out. Its like, I need time to figure these things out, but there's always someone there going “hey mike, you know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately, you know? You need to maybe get away. And like, maybe you should talk about it, you'll feel a lot better.” And I'm all like “oh, nah, its ok, you know. I'll figure it out. Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out, you know? I'm just working on it by myself.” And they go “well, you know, if you wanna talk about it, I'll be here, you know? And you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it. So why don't you talk about it?” I go “no, I don't want to! I'm ok. I'll figure it out myself!” But they just keep bugging me, they just keep bugging me, and it builds up inside.

So you're gonna be institutionalized. You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes.
You won't have anything to say. They'll brainwash you until you see their way.

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one that's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help to protect me from the enemy, myself.

I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything, but then again I was thinking about nothing. And then my mom came in, and I didn't even know she was there. She called my name and I didn't hear her and then she started screaming “Mike, Mike!” And I go “what? Whats the matter?” She goes “whats the matter with you?” I go “there's nothing wrong, mom.” Shes all “don't tell me that! You're on drugs!” I go “no mom I'm not on drugs. I'm ok, I'm just thinking, you know? Why don't you get me a Pepsi?” She goes “No! You're on drugs!” I go “mom, I'm ok. I'm just thinking.” She goes “No! You're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't be acting that way!” I go “mom, just get me a Pepsi! Please, all I want is a Pepsi!” And she wouldn't give it to me! All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me! Just a Pepsi!

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves! Tied around your back, you're treated like thieves!
Drug you up because they're lazy! It's too much work to help a crazy!

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help, to protect me from the enemy, myself.

I'm sitting in my room, when my mom and my dad came in. they pulled up a chair and they sat down. They go “mike, we need to talk to you.” And I go “ok, whats the matter?” They go “me and your mom, we've noticed that lately you've been having a lot of problems, and you've been going off for no reason, and we're afraid you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid you're going to hurt yourself. So we decided that it would be in you're best interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need.” And I go “wait, what are you talking about, WE decided? MY best interests? How do you know what MY best interest is? How can you say what MY best interest is? What are you trying to say? I'M crazy? When I went to YOUR schools, I went to YOUR churches, I went to YOUR institutional learning facilities. So how can you say I'M crazy?”

They say they're gonna fix my brain. Alleviate my suffering and my pain.
But by the time they fix my head. Mentally I'll be dead.

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help, to protect me from the enemy, myself.

Doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyways.