I miss him. I say it quite often. I miss him. Every time I meet someone else, I miss him. Every time I feel the way I did when I was with him, I miss him. Every time someone makes me feel the way he made me feel, I miss him. Every time someone says something or does something that he would do, I miss him.
I fucking miss him.
Friends tell me to get over it, get through it, get past it... especially since it's been almost a decade. They say that the only one who's hurting from it is me. I know I'm the only one. I know I was the one that caused the whole relationship to begin, continue and end. It was all me. That doesn't change a damn thing. The facts are there and clear as daylight to all, but it doesn't make anything less unbearable.
We all need a reason to live, to keep going, to survive and press on... otherwise we wither and eventually die. My reasons are getting slimmer and slimmer as I see friends accomplishing their goals, starting new paths with life-long partners, and needing me less and less.
I'm not saying that I wouldn't be at the same place I am now if things had been different before. There's no way for me to know what the most recent past would be like if the distant past had been different. I just know that I miss him, and tonight it really hurts... and I just needed to say it.
I've been missing him since before we split up. It never seems to go away. There's a "him-shaped" hole in my life that I'm having a helluva time filling. He took the time to get to know me. He loved me for me and we had a beautiful life together.
Then suddenly it was as if there was a stranger in his place. Same face, same smile, same body... different person. Maybe he felt the same way about me... he never said it if he did.
I wish that spirit, that beautiful person that I met about two decades ago would come back to me. I wish I could be that person for a day to maybe understand where it went and I why it left when it did. I wish I could stop.
I miss him. And I probably always will.
