Monday, July 23, 2001

Heaven is just a moment in time

Editor's Note: This entry is backdated from my old website I had back in 2001. Blimey... NERD ALERT!

Have you ever wondered what heaven would be like? Ever since I was little I used to have dreams about it. I used to wonder about it... that wide-eyed fantasy idea that children have about things that even adults can't really grasp. Over time, my concept changed. I'm not sure when it started to change, but it did. Today, my concept of heaven is sorta like something out of Star Trek: Generations.. the one where the two captains, Kirk (old generation) and Picard (new generation) meet. They met in a place called "The Nexus." It was a place where time, hate, sorrow and all that could not touch you. You could live in a place, a time, and in circumstances that you've always wanted... or re-live a past memory and change your destiny.

So, for me... heaven is a series of moments in time. Moments that are irreplaceable. Those mnemonic pictures inside your head of times past and goals forward that bring you closer to peace and beauty than what you've ever known. They're so very rare, but that's what makes them so precious. This weekend, this entire weekend, was a slice of heaven for me.

My support group meets twice a month. I love all the girls there dearly and would do anything for them. I sincerely consider them all to be family to me. But at the same time, I never have made that "connection" with any of them... and I've never really had someone I could look to as a "big sister" (of which age means nothing since I'm an old queen). But at this last meeting, I met two new girls that just shook me from toes to nose. I can't explain the feeling... I can't describe it other than an inner voice saying "I really need to get to know them better."

So, this weekend, the three of us got together. Different pairings at different times until Sunday... that's when all three of us got together... and it all just clicked into place... like the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle. One is very fidgety... the type that likes to get out and do things, see the sights, shock the locals, and paint the town pink. The other is reserved but not so reserved that she's withdrawn.. sortof a passive curiosity. And then there was me... probably the most conservative of the bunch... at least outwardly... but inside me is someone dying to jump out and do something... anything.

People in the group have asked me why I go to the group at all. They seem to think I have it all together for some reason. My answer to them and to anyone else is... it's the isolation that this life brings. I have lots of family and friends that love and accept me for who and what I am regardless. But no matter how great their love is for me... they will always be spectators in my life. I needed to find participants in this strange odyssey I've embarked upon. People who not only love and accept... but truly understand. People who are walking this road along with me.

But more than that, more than understanding, there is another level... one which few people ever really are able to match with someone else. It's hard to describe but I'll try. There are those people with whom you are such good friends that you can finish each others' sentences, know what the other person is feeling before they say it, see the pain or joy in their eyes no matter how hard they try to suppress it. It's a kinship that goes beyond friendship and beyond family... something that reaches further... it makes perfect sense and yet is completely senseless all at once. It is a completely irrational but yet very tangible thing. I can't think of anything else to call it but "the spark."

This is a very important time for me and my transition. It's a breakthrough into new ground and new territory in understanding and relationships in general. I have felt like Luis from "Interview with the Vampire," searching throughout time and space to find an answer... to find a kindred soul... someone whom I could connect with... someone ... like me... not just transgendered... but truly like me. However, where Luis failed in his search, I believe I have succeeded. Our backgrounds are so dissimilar it's laughable. But somehow there's a closeness that I can't really put my finger on... it's like... "I've been waiting for you... where have you been?"

We talked throughout the day and into the night about everything and nothing. As I listened to their stories and they to mine... it was as if we were family that had been separated for years, and finally brought back together again. We were able to recount so many things about our lives that were similar... and then watch how our lives grew apart and then back together again. It's truly an amazing experience... it's like taking your mind for a walk.

I simply wanted to share how much more enriched my life is after just spending one day with them. I went into work on Monday feeling like I could conquer the world... and nearly did. To my two new "sisters," if you are reading this at all, let me say "Thank you." Thank you for sharing your lives with me and allowing me to share mine with you. Thank you for being who you are, unabashedly and relentlessly. Your strength of will and character, your fire and zest, and your compassion and love all combine into two beings I am honored to call my sisters. I will always be here for you in anyway that I can just as I know you are there for me when I need.


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