What Was I Thinkin'?

I started this blog 23 years ago in April of 2001. It wasn't a blog then, it was little website that I had created called iamjenna.com. It doesn't exist anymore (at least, not the way it was when I owned it) and I used it to talk about what going on in my life, in the hopes that someone out there who was going through the same thing would find it and get some use from my weird life.

I was 32 years old, living in Florida. I had been in Florida since April of 1992 which was 11 years prior to that first entry. Before that, I lived in Indiana. And now, I'm living there again. It's strange really. It's been 32 years since I previously lived here and things have certainly changed. But I have changed too (obviously). I was a young person back then, just trying to figure themselves out. Now, I'm an old(er) person, still trying to figure things out. It seems that part never really changes. I guess I could take some comfort in that. Knowing that I knew as much then about what I'm doing as I do now is oddly comforting and depressing at the same time.

You see, I had goals. Some of those goals were met while others weren't. But that's normal too. Everyone has their story about "the one that got away" ranging from fish to spouses to life goals. So if this is all normal, then why does it feel so weird? I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that. Weird became my new normal. Everyone thought I was crazy for leaving Indiana and going to Florida, at only 22 years old, with no famliy around. Everyone thought I was crazy for suddenyl announcing that I was going to transition from male to female. And everyone thought I was crazy when I chose to move back to Indiana, this year. Crazy seems to be my M.O. I've learned to bask in it and make the crazy, weird and impossible into realities.

But I gotta tell y'all, this one feels weird even for me. I'm not sure what I'm trying to do here. Sure, I know why I left, but I'm not sure why I came back here. I have "reasons" but reasons can be just as easly reasoned away as they are reasoned into being in the first place. My goal this time seems a little obscured. Let's backtrack a little. Set the WayBack Machine, Sherman! (JFC, I'm old).

February, 2023, I have a mental collapse. It was a breakdown, for sure. Florida's legislature was preparing bill after bill targeting people like me, everything from what sports we could play to where we could go to the bathroom. They were talking about rolling back several civil rights and I suddenly felt very seen, but in the worst way possible. It had been a little over 2 years since my mom's passing. At that point, both parents, all grandparents and one sibling had already passed. There were new Ramseys being created though; great-nieces and great-nephews and I was missing everything. It felt strange because I was becoming more of an aunt to my roommate's son than I was to my own great-niblings (yeah, it's a word... look it up). To my own familial tribe, I'm probably seen more as a pibling, gender-neutral term for aunt or uncle, than either one or the other. It's a weird, non-specific place to be.

Anyway, back to the story. I was terrified. At my mom's funeral a couple years earlier, I saw cousins and siblings and niblings that I hadn't seen in years. We began to reminisce and there were several who said how much they missed me and how good it was to see me. It was a stark contrast from what I was getting from friends (and the state) in Florida. That's not to say I didn't have good friends in Florida. I had the best friends anyone could ask for (and I miss them DEARLY). It's just trying to paint a picture of the mental state I was in. So I called my best friend in the world (and her name is LITTERED throughout this blog) and broke down on the phone with her... for something like 5 hours. Later that month, we flew to Indiana to look at a house. She got to see where I grew up, where I went to school, the university I went to... and she got to meet more of the family.

At that point, I realized that the possibility of living here again wasn't that far-fetched. I came back up here again a couple times, once again with Liz this year as we looked for houses again, this time with a realtor. Within a month of that, I had a house and was beginning to move to Indiana. It took so long to get there and then happened so fast that I wasn't prepared for the shock to my social system. I ugly-cried in ways that I can't imagine to do again. I instantly knew how my sister Betty feels every time we part.

So now, here I am in Indiana again. I have an asset finally, and I'm near family again. But there is a weirdness about this that is going to take time to sort out. I have to catch them up on 30 years of living (and they have to do the same for me). Yesterday was Thanksgiving and there were comments around the table of what we're thankful for. We then began to start sharing memories of people who had passed on. I was at a loss for that second part. My memories of those days are scant and few. They've been replace with memories of my life in Florida and how and rich and full it was there. That's not to say that my life wasn't rich and full back before I moved. It is more appropriate to say that it was someone else's life.

These lack of memories lead me to a lot of questions like, "What was I thinkin'?" Maybe I'm just getting older. My mother passed away from dementia and perhaps I'm starting to see the beginnings of something like that for me. Who knows. But at least this stuff is written down for someone to read sometime, somewhere. I think i might start actually blogging again. There's a lot going on again so we'll see.