Just Say How You Feel, Please?

So... the dude broke up with me tonite. The interesting thing about this is that I was about to do the same thing but he beat me to it. I just wasn't feeling it. I wasn't feeling the need, the desire to really REALLY get to know him like that. I just.... didn't feel it between us. I was all prepared to tell him this. But he beat me to it. So... no big deal, right? Well, no... not quite.

I told him last Wednesday about my being post-op TS. He didn't balk at all, or so it seemed... actually, now that I think about it... I did see a fluctuation there but I dismissed it when it truly seemed like it didn't matter to him. He also had something to tell me which was pretty big and something I'd never before had to consider or deal with. It bothered me... but then... I began to think... well, if I really, truly cared for someone... it wouldn't matter at all what was "wrong" with them. I'd share their burdens as they share mine.

So, what happened that has me so irritated? The way he went about it. He didn't say to me, "Ya know, I just don't feel the connection there." No. He told me about his past, how he used to date men and women both, people he genuinely care for, etc... but that he stopped dating men because there was never any passion there. He then continued by saying that he knows that's the way it would always be between us because he would always see me that way. And due to this he could never be faithful, etc.

As Penn & Teller would say... "BULLSHIT!" I have seen, in my travels and my time on this earth, people be able to overcome incredible obstacles because they truly cared for each other. I have seen people deal with some majorly hefty issues because their love for each other was stronger than the obstacles before them. For him to judge how our relationship would be based on what he's experienced in the past is utter and complete hogwash. He can't know what it would be like because he won't try it. Maybe he's afraid. Maybe there's something else behind it... who the fuck knows... I sure as fuck don't care right now. A long time ago, this would bother me. It would make me feel like there was something wrong with me. Fuck that. All I want to know from someone is "how do you feel?" Do you feel happy? Sad? Angry? Awkward? Out of Place? Uncertain? Giddy? Adventurous? Elated? Miserable? Fuck the reasons. The reasons make us think about how to fix them and get us all twisted around and blah blah blah... fuck it. Just tell me how you feel... more than likely I feel the same way. We can figure out what they mean later.

GRRR! I'm not letting it upset me in the sense that I feel broken. I'm upset because he fabricated a reason (whether it was based on fact or not, I don't care) about OUR relationship based on things that had nothing to do with us. So fuck that. I've got bigger fish to fry right now anyway. I hope he finds someone out there that provides him with the intensity he's looking for. But as long as he thinks that people sharing the same physical traits as another will react and act the same as others from his past, he'll never be able to trust. And I've already had my fill of "no trust" in a relationship.

I'm gonna go ass out now.

Happy Days Are Here Again

Wow... I'm not sure how I'll make it through today without collapsing... but I'm gonna try. Waking up with BooKoo... let's put it that way. :) So MUCH has happened!! Why haven't I posted about it? Uhm... Because so MUCH has happened I haven't even had the chance to sit down and write about it! Been too busy experiencing it!

I think the last I left off I was getting ready for WMC. So, let's start there. Be prepared for a lengthy post here, folks.

So Twink and I went to the WMC and had a blast. Far too many parties and yet not enough. :) But it was a blast for more than just that. Hanging out with good friends, listening to good music... was just the beginning. I also got my demo listened to at a demo listening workshop and made several good contacts... one of which called me last Saturday! Might be making music with a management company soon! I also got a great gift from Twink that weekend. It was one of those sacrifices... something that hurt her to give and yet something I needed very badly. It shook me up and got me to where I needed to be. But probably best of all... I met someone new.

Rob and I have been emotionally separated now for some time. We've been having issues with figuring out how to separate the house but I think he's finally come to terms with me on that. I hope. I don't need more crap from him about that. I was beginning to feel like the drama would never end. I was also of the mindset that I wouldn't meet anyone new... that my life would be loveless in "that" respect. Well, I was wrong. :)

I'm not saying this guy's the one. I'm not saying it'll all be wine and roses. But so far... so good. Last night we talked about something in my life that's very difficult for most guys to deal with. Something I have to deal with every day which is not a normal thing for people to deal with. I was surprised that he had something big to tell me too. I was nervous to talk to him about it but I knew that since we were getting so close to each other... it was necessary to talk about. And all I can say is that the night went beautifully! Haven't been this happy in a VERY long time!

I'll probably write more about these things as time goes on. Right now I'm dealing with sleep deprivation... so this entry will be rather disjointed... heh. I also, inexplicably, got a raise at work, I'm getting $2600 back in tax refunds, I bought a new MIDI Controller keyboard last night (which should be here in 10 to 14 days) and well hell... how much more can I take right now? I dunno but let the good times roll, biotch!

Alright... anyway... I'm off to get ready for the doctor and work. I have a slight bronchial infection and need to see the doc about it today. More about all this stuff later as time goes on... I'll back fill with story information as things come up.