Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Just Say How You Feel, Please?

So... the dude broke up with me tonite. The interesting thing about this is that I was about to do the same thing but he beat me to it. I just wasn't feeling it. I wasn't feeling the need, the desire to really REALLY get to know him like that. I just.... didn't feel it between us. I was all prepared to tell him this. But he beat me to it. So... no big deal, right? Well, no... not quite.

I told him last Wednesday about my being post-op TS. He didn't balk at all, or so it seemed... actually, now that I think about it... I did see a fluctuation there but I dismissed it when it truly seemed like it didn't matter to him. He also had something to tell me which was pretty big and something I'd never before had to consider or deal with. It bothered me... but then... I began to think... well, if I really, truly cared for someone... it wouldn't matter at all what was "wrong" with them. I'd share their burdens as they share mine.

So, what happened that has me so irritated? The way he went about it. He didn't say to me, "Ya know, I just don't feel the connection there." No. He told me about his past, how he used to date men and women both, people he genuinely care for, etc... but that he stopped dating men because there was never any passion there. He then continued by saying that he knows that's the way it would always be between us because he would always see me that way. And due to this he could never be faithful, etc.

As Penn & Teller would say... "BULLSHIT!" I have seen, in my travels and my time on this earth, people be able to overcome incredible obstacles because they truly cared for each other. I have seen people deal with some majorly hefty issues because their love for each other was stronger than the obstacles before them. For him to judge how our relationship would be based on what he's experienced in the past is utter and complete hogwash. He can't know what it would be like because he won't try it. Maybe he's afraid. Maybe there's something else behind it... who the fuck knows... I sure as fuck don't care right now. A long time ago, this would bother me. It would make me feel like there was something wrong with me. Fuck that. All I want to know from someone is "how do you feel?" Do you feel happy? Sad? Angry? Awkward? Out of Place? Uncertain? Giddy? Adventurous? Elated? Miserable? Fuck the reasons. The reasons make us think about how to fix them and get us all twisted around and blah blah blah... fuck it. Just tell me how you feel... more than likely I feel the same way. We can figure out what they mean later.

GRRR! I'm not letting it upset me in the sense that I feel broken. I'm upset because he fabricated a reason (whether it was based on fact or not, I don't care) about OUR relationship based on things that had nothing to do with us. So fuck that. I've got bigger fish to fry right now anyway. I hope he finds someone out there that provides him with the intensity he's looking for. But as long as he thinks that people sharing the same physical traits as another will react and act the same as others from his past, he'll never be able to trust. And I've already had my fill of "no trust" in a relationship.

I'm gonna go ass out now.

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