Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Just keeps getting weirder and weirder

That's probably my favorite line from Johnny Bravo (although "Runaway Weenie Dog!" is pretty funny and somewhat appropo). I've had a couple of fucked up dreams that I want to post here before I forget them. The first one I don't remember all of but I remember how it ended. I was male and facing thousands upon thousands of ants that were forming letters on the ground with their bodies, telling me about my sins. They were saying I had severely hurt "her" but never said who she was and that they were there to seek retribution. That my death would pay the price for the sins I committed against "her."

I've often felt that I'm a monster and it's hard to shake that feeling sometimes. They say it's a guilty conscience talking but guilty about what? Am I doing wrong by my friends? Am I enabling them? Is that a bad thing? Should I be taking responsibility for their own well-being? I can't get over the feeling that this is a lesson they need to learn, though. The lesson is about blame. That's the vibe that I am ALWAYS getting now. Blame. But then, I've seen that thrown out there so many times from them. Blaming everyone else for their own state of mind... and in fact, I managed to fall into that myself. I can feel the blame getting ready to come at me. I think I've discovered the weapon against it though.

Blame creates division, violence, hatred, war and death. Self-blame creates internal conflict and blame against others creates conflict with others. Does it matter who's at fault? Only in that they need to be taught not to do it again and why. What matters more is that the condition that is causing stress and inciting the need to blame be remedied. Why does this feel like my exit?

The weapon against it is forgiveness. That word got me stuck for a moment after I wrote it. Who needs to forgive? Everyone. It's not one person's fault, it's everyone's. There are tasks that need to be done and only those that assist in those tasks should reap the benefits. Trade and barter is fine if the parties agree that the value of the trade is fair and honest. What happens if someone can't forgive though? Then blame continues to exist. There needs to be a resolution.

Ha! I have it. It's a simple concept. Division. It's created by voicing it. Whether in one's mind or by one's words or actions. It permeates and is self-sustaining... but it is easily vanquished once one sees it for what it is. Wow... the tree outside was stunning. :)

I hereby vow to not be responsible for continued division. I will be a proponent for unification, not division. Unification is my target and goal... and I see that all my life has been preparing me for that anyway. :)

Oh... the other dream isn't as important now... but I know what it meant. It was images of a GUI that was intended to reconfigure something... what looked like a person. I guess it is sorta prophetic in that way... but it was just a dream. A depiction of what's happening in my life. I understand it... and I like it now that I understand it. The goal makes so much more sense now. :)


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