Wednesday, August 5, 2009

No possessions, damnit.

I have a confession to make. I've been trying to buy love and friendship. It's true. It's not a happy thing for me to relate, but it's true. And it IS a happy thing to get off my chest, finally. I've either been truly blessed to have people in my life that would continue to hang around with me even though I've tried to buy them... or I'm being made a laughing stock since everyone else but me realized that the object of my desire was simply not something that can be bought... and the fact that I wasn't getting that was beyond humorous to those watching... it was preverse and frightening.

Sometimes I lean toward the former idea. It makes me feel a little better about those people. More often, though, I lean toward the latter idea... since someone who really cared for me wouldn't let me keep doing what I was doing... unless they knew I needed to see it for myself, no matter what the cost.

I woke up this morning and suddenly realized that I've NEVER been in that situation myself. I have never felt like someone was trying to own me, buy me, make me love them through gifts and offerings. I've never known what that's like. Apparently I'm not worth the price... no surprise there, eh? Why would someone want to spend that kind of time, money and effort on a self-centered bitch who doesn't really know how to give for the sake of giving? We only try to buy the things we WANT, not the things we don't want (unless that will get us what we want by proxy).

It's truly insidious! And it's nothing that I want to be a part of anymore! I don't care if my "perceived value" is low, anymore. Maybe I'm the diamond in the rough but even if I am, I still don't care. I understand why I love the movies and the TV shows that depict good people going through great odds to do the right thing and the shit-storm of life's events that occur in the process. It's because I've never had that experience myself. I've never been that guy. I've always been "that guy."

Understand, I'm not trying to beat myself up here or say that I am worthless. I am, but I'm not. It's confusing to try to explain. The funny thing is that this potential appears to be in ALL of us. Some of us are just better at seeing it, fighting it and dealing with it than others. You can lead the horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I just didn't realize I was the horse.

I am ready for the test, now. I know it's coming... and I don't know when it's coming or what form it will take. But I'm ready for it, finally. Keep praying though, because although my eyes are open, if it can happen once, it can happen again. The more I keep that in my head, the less prevalent it is to happen. Once we can see the demon, it keeps it's distance because we know it's there... but take our eyes off it long enough, it'll attack again.


1 comment:

Heather said...

I just wanted to let you know that I'm proud of you for coming to realizations about yourself, and being willing to put yourself out there as you have for others to learn from, though I think you're right - many times, one has to learn these lessons for themselves rather than being told.

Self-realization is difficult - if it wasn't, everyone would be Buddha ;-)