Wednesday, May 5, 2010

How is that my problem?

So it's been 5 months since I last wrote... that's a hot minute or two, isn't it? A lot has happened in my life, that's all I can really say... and yet nothing has really changed that much. Typical. It's the inevitable curse of the one who wants to know how all the magician's tricks work. They want to be the magician. Problem is... there's no-one left that wants to be mystified. It's an imbalance, you see.

Okay... this may ramble a bit, sorry... try to keep up (I'm struggling to write it so you should have to struggle to read it... I try to keep things fair).

What happens when all the wonder is gone? When there's nothing but cold hard facts and there's no mystery anymore, what do we have left to wonder about? Well, we can start to wonder why we were so curious in the first place and back track until we figure it out. But then we're right back where we started from... with nothing left to wonder about.

But that's not what I was going to write about... because I actually DO have something to wonder about, still. I wonder why it is that people don't see the obvious. I wonder why it is that people make stories about things rather than take them at face value. It strikes me very odd.

I have a friend who thinks that I think he's the reason for my happiness. He honestly believes that I've pinned all my hopes and dreams on him... yet we are not even in the same county, let alone the same city. I know for a fact that the things that bring me the most joy are the things that I will protect and pursue with great fervor. Like any other human on this planet... whatever it is that gives us that "high-on-life" feeling is what we will defend to the death.

Now I have, in the past, placed my hopes and dreams upon people. But I have also learned (the VERY hard and emotionally damaging way) that people are typically not worthy of my most prized possessions (i.e. my happiness). They'll run off with them. They have been consistent about it. Yet people still believe that I am "hung up" on the idea. Or at least, that's what they say. However, ever since the invention of lying and sarcasm I find it difficult to even believe what anyone says anymore either. True sensory experience is about the only thing that I can 100% believe in, anymore.

It boggles my brain to hear some of the crap I hear flowing from people's mouths day-in and day-out. I am actually quite a simple creature. I do not need a story to explain my existence. I do not have to assume ulterior motives for reasons certain people are in my life. I'm an excellent hunter gatherer. I am also not a half-bad nurturer-provider (if I do say so myself). But the primary reason that people are in my life is simply due to what I can hunt, gather and provide. If I weren't around, they would find someone else to provide for them (or do it themselves). It's simple economics and social patterns.

When people tire of what I provide, or if I place a price upon those provisions that is outside their comfort zone, they leave.

I'm also fairly certain that this same principle is part of what causes people to create the stories they create. My theory is that in order to justify themselves and their stance or position, they must continually point out the perceived inordinate price-tag of my provisions and attempt to invoke guilt within me to compensate and get a better price.

These emotional rapists are everywhere. It makes me wonder if I'll ever find a true equal at all ... and if I do, what would be the point of us showing affection toward each other as we would both consider it to be fake by this point.

My brain hurts. What really hurts is that I have, occasionally, found people with whom I could just let my hair down... and when I do, they run away with the aforementioned prized possessions. It's a catch 22. In order to achieve the peace of mind I so desire, I need to be able to let my guard down and be completely vulnerable with another human being... but the very reason my guard is up is that people always disappoint me when my guard is down... which is what I wanted in the first place. It would seem to follow that all I really want is to get hurt... when I don't... not really.

Eh... I'm tired ... both tired physically and tired of this subject. So, I'm out.



Nikki Dreams said...

vulnerability : The careful art of allowing someone in. Intimacy based in trust.

It's one of the greatest gifts you can give another. Allowing them in hoping they do not run off with the spoils. Most are just afraid of what we keep locked away. Or is it we ourselves that are afraid of what we protect behind these walls?

A subject of intense joy and sorrow depending on how that trust is used.

NickyB (aka the CFG) said...

Hoping you someday beat the odds of that Catch22, and write some more here :-) xx

Anonymous said...

Beauty, unaccompanied by virtue, is as a flower without perfume.