Monday, May 24, 2010

Damaged

I've not posted here in a while. Most of my internet addiction has been concentrated on Facebook lately... but I think I've finally kicked that habit.

Life has been an emotional roller-coaster ride lately all due to my interactions with one person. It's not been a fun ride, either. I like roller-coasters so perhaps I should give this a more appropriate metaphor... it's been more like torture.

It's important to be careful about who you trust in your life with any real information about you. Gender identity, daily activities, sexual identity don't count, in my opinion. We're sorta past these things and have accepted them about ourselves. Others who can't accept them ... well, that's their problem.

No, I'm talking about things you may have done that could REALLY come back to bite you in the ass. It's not even about trust, really. You can trust someone one minute and completely distrust them the next. The best litmus test, in my opinion, about whether or not someone is trustworthy is to see how they've handled some of their other past friends... and then make the determination as to whether or not they could (at some point) also do that to you.

This is practical advice, honestly. Of course, there's also the question as to why we even tell anyone our dirty little secrets at all. Maybe we secretly want to pay for our past "crimes" and are looking for someone to call us out on something we don't have the strength to bring out into the light ourselves. Regardless, one should be prepared for anything that might come from this.

Basically, right now, all this has left me so emotionally and mentally damaged I'm finding it very hard to trust anyone.... which is kinda shitty since that's all I really want out of life, honestly... someone I can trust with my secrets that won't leave... won't judge... and will stand by me through thick and thin. Someone who will help me find the strength to face my "crimes" and will, without a shadow of doubt, be there with me regardless of the outcome.

So far, still no luck with that. In fact, it keeps getting worse.

So, I have to clean my sheets myself. I have to deal with my past myself... without someone to talk to about them... without someone to encourage me and say, "it's okay, you'll make it ... and I'm not going anywhere."

Kinda sucks... but it's okay, I guess.

I'll write more about this past weekend later. Right now, I just needed to get all that off my chest.

Peace,
Jenna

2 comments:

Jenna said...

P.S. --- So far today has been a VERY bad day. More later.

Nikki Dreams said...

I'm. So sorry to see you are having some "life's" trials as my mom calls it. Actually that statement Just makes it worse. She is finally getting that. The reality is it sux ass. People really suck. Not all of us do of course. I am feeling your pain now too. Trust. Friends. BS.

Because of these problems you describe, I no longer live openly. I keep that secret close to my heart. Yeah few people my guess who I am. But they will not know for sure. This has changed my life significantly. I found I cannot trust some people I used to trust. I found there are a great many people in the Transfer community that will hate It despise you for living your life outside the TG box.

It all hurts. But we must go on And thrive. If nothing else then to prove them All wrong. To show we are fabulous despite all of life's fucked up trials.
There are people who care and can be trusted out here.

Huggs and happy thoughts.