Getting older? Me?

You know, it's kinda weird... getting older that is.  I don't feel older in my brain... at least not until I try to socialize with younger people.  Then I realize that I'm actually old now.  My body, on the other hand, reminds me of my age all the time.  I expected that.  I also expected the "you don't feel any older mentally" part.  I just didn't think about what it's like to talk with younger people.

I see myself in the mirror.  I know what I look like.  But that's not how I remember myself.  That's not my inner image of myself, I guess. I still see myself with tight skin, bright eyes, long soft hair and skinny.  That's not the case anymore.   I don't think I'm ugly... just... older.  But it's a marvel that I got here.

I've done a lot of crazy things to this body I'm still inhabiting.  Somehow, I simultaneously assumed I would make to my 80s and still also die young.  How weird is that?  I guess I never really believed that my body would age.  Every time I saw someone older than myself (or that looked older than I did), I thought, "Well, I'm still young."  Then one day, people older than me started becoming fewer and farther between.  So, I saw more younger people.  That made me feel old.  

"You're only as young as you feel" is a bit of a misnomer I think.  I think age is now relative.  Celebrities that I looked up to are getting older and passing away.  People in roles that I look up to or admire are getting younger; for example I was on a plane not too long ago and saw the pilot.  He looked so young.  Then I realized that, actually, he looks the same average age as any other pilot I've seen in my life.  The difference is that I've become older and now and the people doing all the work are "staying the same age."

It is even more bizarre being someone who has transitioned.  Many of us just don't make it.  The mortality rate is staggeringly high for transgender folks.  So finding someone who transitioned young and then got old is like finding a unicorn.  I'm used to being a trail blazer... but those other trails were ones that I meant to blaze.  This one wasn't on my agenda.

I don't have many models to follow and socializing with others in this context is confusing.  So, I guess a new chapter starts now.  I started transition in the mid to late 90s.  The time between my birth and starting transition, and the time between then and now is almost equidistant.  So I guess this is the beginning of my "Phase Three" in MCU terms.

At any rate, I'll try to keep things updated here (in case I never get around to writing that book).