It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn

I alluded to some changes coming in my life soon, and it's true.  I've been making preparations to return from whence I came.  When the state of Florida began it's assault on LGBTQIA+ people (of all ages), I finally realized that I was being given signs that it was time to leave LONG before now.  This was just the last straw. So I started putting a plan in motion.  That plan involved saving enough money for a down payment on a house, enough money to move the belongings I want to keep and buy new for the ones I want to replace, and getting my credit score in a good healthy place.

I also wanted to make sure there was enough time to so a last hurrah in the sunshine state before I left.  That meant staying through the holidays (since it would be my last set of actual holidays in the state with my extended family here), and planning several events for myself like theme parks, pride events, etc. 

But as we get closer, there are tensions mounting and rising across the board.  Today is a rough day.  It's been a rough weekend, TBQH.  There's a lot of tension on the home front and I'm not really sure what to do.  On the one hand, I want to help ease those tensions and make things better.  One the other hand, I feel like they will be viewed as empty self-serving gestures.  The "why do you care now if you're still bent on leaving in a few months" scenario. 

Part of me says that my life is my life and I should just do whatever I want because we don't get another chance to do what we want.  Another part of me feels responsible for the heartache and the tension, even though I did nothing to perpetrate it.  This mental anguish is just compounded by the fact that friends are coming over today to enjoy in an event of my creation.  The whole house is involved (and has enjoyed the event many times before).  However, the current situation makes me feel so unsure about trying to promote revelry when there are larger forces to combat.  

I know I should press on and try to bring peace to the household.  But I am old and tired now and it takes more of a toll on me now than it ever did.  I find myself looking forward to the peace of mind that solitude will bring, even if it will be accompanied by loneliness.  C'est la vie, eh?

They say it's always darkest before the dawn.  But we're not even close to that dawn yet and it's already feeling pretty dark.  Le sigh.