So, Sunday night the dryer died. When we tried to start it, it would just go "click" and nothing more. After looking it up on the net, we found that it was probably the thermal fuse and that the thermal fuse was buried deep within the inner workings of the dryer. So instead of trying to solve it ourselves, we considered getting it repaired... but after talking with a few others we were convinced that a repair place would probably charge more than just getting a new dryer.
So then we started looking at dryers and decided that if we're going to get a new dryer, it'd be better to get both a washer and dryer set so they're both the same age and we won't have to deal with the washer dying on us 3 months after we pick up a new dryer (and they'll match).
Long story short... (too late!) we bought a new washer and dryer. We got a nice high-efficiency set that has much better capacity, takes less soap, less time, less water, etc. But the washer has no agitator. It's got a see-through top so you can see what's going on. Twink told me to come look at it and we looked and thought... uhm... is this working? It seems that it would take more energy to move the big drum around than it would an agitator... but maybe not, I guess. I don't know... but it's weird to watch.
That night I asked Twink to watch some movies with me. I bought some comedies (I was in a damn good mood) and wanted to share some laughs together. I also suggested we do something we hadn't done in a while... whippits. She was hesitant at first, but then chose to do it. WE got four boxes (2 each) and started to watch some movies.
After about 1 box each, Twink decided she didn't want to do anymore. I knew her reasons but didn't understand them fully. I said okay and finshed off the remainders. We continued watching some movies but the night did not take on the "joyous occasion" feel that I'd hoped for and the next day I figured out why... at least for me.
Over the past month, I've been feeling better and better each day. Renewed confidence, renewed motivation, renewed desire to live. In one night, for myself, I managed to kill it all again... well severely wound it to the point where I didn't care and didn't want to do anything the next day. Paranoia began to set in again and life was "not worth living" again, etc. But rather than let these feelings take control of me again, I fought them. I stood up and fought them and ordered them not to take control. It was not easy for me. But nothing good is ever easy.
Here's what I realized. I was becoming Rob. I was avoiding responsibility, changing my lifestyle to reflect an attitude of "me first" and not caring about shit. This is NOT who I am, even though there have been many times in recent past that I have let it become so. Rob did this by getting addicted to internet porn. I did this by getting addicted to a careless feeling of "fuckitall."
What I'm putting at risk, though, is worth WAY more than what I'm getting out of the drugs. And so I made a promise to myself that it stops for good.
As an affirmation of that, I took Taylor to SamAsh with me last night. I went in order to pick up a hum eliminator for Twink's stereo. The PC line-out is carrying a ground-loop hum to her mixer and so we needed something to eliminate that hum so she can move forward with recording records for the website. While we were there, I remembered that Taylor needed a metronome for piano lessons. She's all excited now and I'm really looking forward to seeing her play her first recital (a year or two down the road, but still).
All in all, this week is shaping up to be an important one in my life. What today will bring, I don't know. But I'm determined to face it with confidence, motivation and PLUR.
Peace,
Jenna
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