Tuesday, April 17, 2001

I'll take a window seat please

Editor's Note: This entry is backdated from my old website I had back in 2001.

I went to a support group meeting a few weeks ago. Tonite was another meeting, but I didn't get the chance to go. This week has been brutal since it's a short work week for me. Anyway, while I was there, someone asked me what my biggest "issue" was with my transition. That was easy for me to answer... the feeling of isolation. When I started my transition, I knew several people on the internet and had met a couple of friends in the area in Sarasota. Stacy became my best friend and dear sister to me. But since I have moved to Orlando (December 8, 1998), I've felt this ever-present feeling of isolation. "Does anyone out there actually FEEL like I do!?"

This transition is one of the most daunting transitions one could attempt. Whenever people transition in life (single to married, unemployed to employed, husband/wife to father/mother, etc.) there are always people around them, close to them, to help them through it. During this transition tho, I don't have people helping me through it.... I seem to have spectators. People watching from the outside, commenting on the process and lauding my courage and wherewithal.

It's a lot like being in solitary confinement. I just want a window! A friend to talk to, a sister to journey with, a mother to guide me, a confidant who really knows what I'm going through. Someone who's been there, done that, or IS there and doing that. But, for the most part, I've had to stumble around in the darkness by myself.

I mean no offense or otherwise to any of my friends online. I would probably be going completely stir-crazy without them. But it's just not the same as having someone there who REALLY knows. Rob tries so hard to be that person... but he doesn't walk in my shoes (which is a good thing as I doubt they'd fit). He's a DEAR friend to me, but he can not possibly understand the "innerspace" that I deal with day in and day out.

Why am I writing all of this? To give you some insight into the loneliness that every transsexual goes through. Loved ones like my parents, my family, my friends, my co-workers make life in generable bearable and at times quite enjoyable. But none of them can "see within" like a true sister can. Someday, I hope to find that sister. Whether she be just starting the journey or has traveled on before me matters not. Just someone to hear me scream, weep, laugh, vent, etc. about the things that make t-girls so... "special."

No comments: