Saturday, July 30, 2005

I don't understand... Oh wait, now I do.

So, say you have a problem. Maybe someone or something created it for you but usually it's one you created for yourself and you know it. There's this still small voice that tells you what you need to do to resolve it. It feels right. It gives you so much peace to think about the solution that it's almost euphoric. But yet you don't listen to it. Why is that?

I think we all do it... I know I do and I know when I'm doing it. How do I know? Because I feel miserable when I don't listen to it and try to find a "more comfortable" solution or one that won't cause "social change." Yes, I guess I'm talking about being selfish here. But.. it's just ish. Just being self....ish. Like when someone says "Are you hungry?" and you say ... "ish." Why do we beat ourselves up for it? Are we that undeserving in life? What horrible sins have we committed that have affected the global, national, state-wide... hell even city-wide communities by being a little selfish? Nothing really, right? I thought so.

I don't understand why we do this. I've been beating myself up for a perceived slight from someone else that I also perceive resulted from them feeling slighted by me... yes... a PERCEIVED slight. There's something to put myself in a week-long funk for... rather than do what the little voice says and talk to the person I think slighted me and feels slighted by me... or so I think, at least.

In this scenario, I can tell you it's because I think so highly of that person that even showing the slightest hint of imperfection scares the living daylights out of me. God forbid I let them know I'm human... heavens no. Why? Because it's hard to show someone I love and care about that I'm not perfect. Not that I think I'm perfect (ha! perfectly batty, perhaps)... but I want to be perfect for the people I care about. I never want to make a mistake with them.

I think people in general don't want to look at ugliness, especially their own. I know I don't. Of course, I'm talking about actions not physical looks and shit. That's one reason why I try to never be ugly to anyone even if I feel they deserve it. The "they may have started it... but I'm not going to perpetuate it" type of thing.

But what I always run into is what do I do when I feel like someone I love and care about has been ugly to me? Regardless of whether it was conscious or not... it still feels that way. One would think that THAT's the person you SHOULD be able to say, "Hey, what's with this? I'm confused, I don't understand your behavior" to.

I admire those that can do that. Sometimes it seems I can deal with the things that don't matter easier than I deal with the things that do matter. Sometimes the things that do matter to me don't matter to someone else... and vice versa.

Ah HAH! Maybe that's it. Say I make a decision to do something based on what matters to me without thinking about whether it matters to someone else... not out of conscious malicious forethought against anyone but simply because it didn't occur to me to think that way. Then I find out that that decision DID matter to someone else. And that someone else is ALSO someone that matters to me. Now I'm in the situation where the other person feels slighted because it occurs for them that way when it was just me being .... self... ish. Language is a terrible way to communicate, isn't it?

Now this compounds within me because the person matters so much to me and I worry about making it worse somehow so I say nothing. I guess it pretty much boils down to cowardice, doesn't it. Grrrrr. I hate being a coward. But... at least now I understand a little better. I guess just writing it all down is enough sometimes, right? Never too old to learn something about yourself, as they say.

I guess the thing to learn here is that just because something doesn't matter to me personally doesn't mean it won't matter to someone who matters to me. The trick is to realize that it DOES matter to the other person and to acknowledge that it matters to them.

Personally, I've never done anything to intentionally hurt anyone that I can ever recall. By my actions, however, people have been hurt despite my best efforts to find a "more comfortable" solution. Where I will absolutely draw the line is anything that affects the health or liberties of myself or those I care about. Some people disagree with where I should set my limits in concern of my OWN health and liberties... but I know what I can take and what I can't.

What I can't take, more than anything else, is someone I care about feeling that I've purposefully slighted or hurt them. If I tell you I love you, you can take that to the bank. If you think otherwise, let me know... because I'm probably unaware of it. I can often times be dense as a brick. I also promise to face my own cowardice from this point on and let you know when I'm feeling hurt. Y'all might need to beat me to get it out of me tho... and yes, I'll probably enjoy it. :)


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