Thursday, November 10, 2005


So, I'm sitting here waiting on the laundry to finish and thinking about all the directions I'm trying to take with my life. It's not hard to see why I've been so scatterbrained lately. I've been like a kid in a candy store recently... grabbing up everything that interests me and trying to hang on to all of it... but my arms aren't quite big enough and some of the stuff I've grabbed has fallen to the ground and shattered. I still have to pay for it, too... even though now I don't want it anymore. Whee. What I need to do is figure out what I really want and put the rest back.

The rule of KISS ... Keep It Simple, Stupid. It's a simple concept, really. But yet I manage to overwhelm myself pretty easily. It doesn't stop with just activities and goals and things like that either. I get wrapped up in emotions and people too. Problem is, I tend to push people away that way. The fact that I can recognize this ugliness about me is a good thing, I've been told. It's the first step on the way to overcoming it. Being "okay with myself" is the key. I like myself alright when I'm alone... but I'm always feeling the need to get that impression validated by others when I'm not.

One arena that always makes me stumble is whenever there are couples around and Rob isn't with me. I end up feeling awkward. If I *were* single, it wouldn't be such a bad thing... because then I could just mingle with whoever and it wouldn't matter. But when he's not around... it makes me wonder about why we're not together.

Actually (and this is where the post goes completely off topic), I often wonder about how much we actually have in common. We met in an internet chat room for transgendered people. I can't remember us actually having all that much in common, to be honest. Some of the video games and movies I like, he liked. We both enjoyed playing role playing games, but that has started to lose it's flavor. Just growing out of it maybe? Or maybe I'm getting oversaturated.

The more I think about what common interests we have, the more I find that they are fewer and farther between. We have different views in TV, Movies, Politics, Music, lots of things. Hell, we don't even get fucked up together. This would seem to be a relationship built on one thing... my transition. But now that the transition is complete... what do we have in common? Helluva time to find all this out.

I'm marginally more compatible with V. But she also reminds me of a time that is now past. I guess maybe I'm growing past my ties of before. Things that were representative of the past should not necessarily be lost or thrown out tho... but if those you love won't grow with you, what do you do? If you grow apart, you have to follow your own path. You can't follow someone else's path if it's not meant for you. I've known since I was 4 years old that my path was going to lead me to music. I left that path for a long time and took another that was interesting to me. But now it's time to get back on track to where I belong.

I love Rob. I love V. I love them both very much. But my life has changed and continues to do so. If they can't keep up, I can't wait forever for them to catch up. And maybe they don't really want to. That's fine too. Rob and I have "gotten used" to each other I think. Well, I need more. The question is, will I ever have the balls to tell him that to his face and mean it... or did I leave those in Thailand?

No comments: