Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Just when you think you got it all figured out...

I am one dense bitch sometimes. Okay, maybe most times. I'm pretty sure that at one point in my life... heap many moons ago, I had all this shit figured out. Then I lost it and figured out something else. Losing that, to figure out what I had figured out in the first place is kinda nuts, but I'm giving it a shot. I probably think too much... why else did I get into programming in the first place?

What the fuck am I talking about? Okay, let me bring it into more concrete terms for others who don't live inside my head (yes, that'd be you). Sometimes, I just need to talk. I need to hear myself "think out loud." It helps me see things I hadn't seen before. Of course, when one talks to themselves, it just looks nutty... I've seen people on the side of the road do it and well, it just looks nutty. So I try not to do that.

So the only alternatives are either to not talk about it and suffer the silence in my head (which can be unbearable) or to talk to someone else about it. Now, mind you, I'm not looking for answers from anyone. Well sometimes I am... but if it's something I already know the answer to, sometimes I just need to blab for a bit. The problem is a) making sure you around someone who can tolerate you thinking out loud and b) making sure that person knows that's what you're doing and that you're not asking them for advice, answers or directions. This is one of those things I lost at that one point in my life and am taking back. Think of this as a mental scavenger hunt.

I realize this paints me in the light of "that bitch needs help." And that may be true. Maybe I'm just figuring it all out on my own, though, and getting "help" would do little more than lighten my wallet. This last part makes more sense to me. All I can do is rely on the patience of my friends as I work things out. Thing is, I'm not sure if I've run out of patience and am running on humor alone (being patient with me vs. humoring me). Can insanity truly be that far away? Dunno, don't care. I just want to have a clear mind at some point before I die... that'd be nice.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is this... to anyone who has felt burdened by my ramblings and woes, to those who have felt like they've been chosen by me to fix me or at least attempt repair... I've got it now. I can handle it and it's all good. If I do start to falter, just remind me that I'll figure it out in the end and let me babble a bit. And with that, I'm going to bed... it's late and I'm tired.

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