Monday, March 6, 2006

My Brain... On Drugs

Alright... so... getting a good grip on reality is becoming paramount now. I need stability. I find myself getting lost in my head too much and it's beginning to freak me out a little... actually a lot. The daily metaphors in my life are becoming relentless and I fear insanity can't be far away. Seriously... I see metaphors like... everywhere.

Here comes the rain again... falling on my head like a memory... falling on my head like a new emotion. So baby talk to me.. like lovers do. Walk with me like lovers do.

Okay... I wrote that a day or so ago. I'm still seeing all kinds of weird imagery that I'm trying to focus on and this past weekend and morning was incredible, actually. Literally... credence of this weekend's activities is pretty much in question.

I've been reading more and more about drug usage and it's effects on the brain, how they alter the perception of reality and what doors in our pysche they unlock. Some doors are better left shut and locked... they were done so for a reason, after all.

I'm going to write down the experience and imagery I can remember from this past trip. Hopefully within a few weeks to a few months I'll be able to re-read this and determine what the hell happened.

Okay, so when I started to trip... I began to feel that there were expectations of me to "get the party started." I remember feeling several different ways. Primarily, all of these things have related to the concepts of home, family, children and faith. I've been feeling old a lot lately. I've also been feeling less than human... or rather... not male or female but something in-between. This, manifested itself during the trip in a couple of different ways. One was that my body was somewhere else... specifically in a hospital room somewhere and my brain and body was being manipulated in order to produce a desired effect... that effect... well, it was sexual in nature. I think this is something deep-rooted in my head concerning my sexuality or lack thereof. I can distinctly remember Rabbit being ... impatient with me and perhaps a little freaked out by me and who/what I am. This was revealed when I went to give him a hug and he wigged out... also when I was having problems with my voice changing on me without me being able to control it... I could hear Heather talking about my voice breaking, and there was a lot of concern about how much I smoke. Maybe I really should just quit.

There were also times when I thought the guy from Amsterdam was a doctor... a specialist brought it to help me out... and that his ministrations, along with Twink, worked together to dig deep into my psyche and work out where "I" had gone... and that whoever is here now is not who I am... like I have multiple personalities and the true personality has been "locked up under house arrest" for a long time... feeling like he or she isn't allowed to come out and live with the rest of us. I've been feeling like all those who I've been in touch with are children of mine or are related to me somehow.

I'm not sure what to do at this point because this morning (actually yesterday morning now) I had it out with Rob basically telling him I didn't think he did enough for our relationship and that we should split up physically. Maybe this is the most honest I've been... I don't know... Twink and I were sitting there talking to him about it this morning and he was very irritated and aggravated.

There's another theory here, of course... heh... this is indicative, of course, to the phychotic break from reality, of course. That Twink represents the young kid, Mike, in me. Rabbit represents the man I should have become. Heather represents the woman I desire in my life. Veronica represents the confusion of it all.

I really need stability. I think I need to make this a matter of real prayer. Real meditation and focus. I see why people do this to themselves... to feel a connection, a bond, to everything and everyone on the planet. To feel integrated and not segregated. But that feeling eventually goes away and you're left with the mental imprisonment again. I also see why people focus on the idea of a higher power and that all will be revealed in time... specifically the time of our death.

Sorting this out is not something I can do by sheer will power. It will take time and healing. Pray for me.

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