Okay, this could be a dangerous thing for me to do, given my track record, but I think I'm finally starting to settle in where I'm at. I'm getting more comfortable at work, with the language, the people and the industry. My life in Orlando finally seems to be showing definite signs of death now. I'm starting to take an interest in my personal issues (financial, health, image, etc.) again (specifically with the interest in overcoming them instead of succumbing to them). In short, things are starting to normalize and settle down a bit.
I can start to foresee a future where I have a little money in the bank, bills paid and in decent standing and still have a good job with great potential for improvement, learning and personal growth.
I have no love interest in my life and I often feel the torment of the nubile youths living with me (no, they're not jail-bait). So that can be a bit frustrating at times. But at the same time, I know that the relationship I do have with them is the best it can be without the "icing on the cake" as mom would call it.
It's hard to believe that after years of self-destructive behavior, I might finally be back on the track I once started years and years ago. It's hard to believe but the evidence is clear. I've started getting organized again, I've starting purging myself of things that remind me of times when I "didn't give a shit," and I've started to revive some of my dormant feelings of self again. In short, I think my mid-life crisis is finally coming to an end.
I've hurt a lot of people during this time. They hurt me too, of course. Who started it and who is to blame is pointless to discover now. It's more efficient, productive and healthier to simply acknowledge that act of the play and move on to the next one.
I can be hopeful that the next few acts will see the return of some of the more prominent characters from the previous acts... in a much healthier and happier form of course. Or at least a few cameos. But regardless, I know what to focus on for my future.
At any rate, I need to get back to work now. I'm learning Visual FoxPro 9.0. It's a curious union of OOP and RBase technologies. Yeah, I know it's a bit late to learn these things... but it's important to understand how the billing code is written in order to be prepared to convert it to .NET technologies. I'm looking forward to that project.
Peace,
Jenna
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Truth or Paranoia! (Home Game, 5th Edition)
"You're just being paranoid."
I hate that expression. I really do. To me, that's basically an off-hand dismissal and invalidation of one's feelings. Given what I'm being "paranoid" about, it can sometimes serve to make the feeling worse, actually. "Great... now I'm paranoid about being paranoid... thanks!"
My biggest fear is abandonment. I used to think my biggest fear was being alone. But I've lived alone before and did quite well. Through the process of elimination, I've narrowed it down now to abandonment. If I put my time and energy into something (or even someone), I don't want to be left behind. I'd rather not even have expended the energy in the first place. I know that at it's root, it's a personal security issue. If one is truly secure, it won't matter to them who enters or leaves their lives or what happens to all that they put their time and energy into.
So, just like the rest of the world, I'm a little "paranoid" ... but at least I'm willing to admit it ... even if I don't like the expression.
I've been left behind physically, mentally and emotionally by many different nouns (people, places and things) in this life. So much so that given my remembrances of living alone successfully, it's tempting to recreate that situation rather than allow myself to get too comfortable with someone (or something) too much. Heh... this is also considered a symptom of classic "fear of commitment."
This is not an abnormal or irrational fear. It's quite common. I think there's something intrinsic within us that lets us know when this fear is unfounded vs. times when it is not. In my experience, when it feels like the fear is justified, the general consensus of others, at that point, is to call it "paranoia."
So, okay, others seem to manage to get past this, somehow. I offer my parents as an example of this. They have been together for 55+ years now. Obviously they have overcome the fear of abandonment. Each one knows, intrinsically, that the other will be there for the rest of their lives.
Is it because they didn't take themselves or each other too seriously? After all, if one believes themselves or another to be of more value, then the potential for separation becomes clear. Why would someone stay with someone they consider less valuable than themselves? And why would someone stay with someone who considers themselves as less valuable? Value. That which is said to be priceless is the most precious and the most valuable. So therefore, it has infinite and no value simultaneously.
Maybe it's simply lack of experience. If you were treated well your entire life, you probably would never think anything other than good things. There would be nothing to fear and no reason for the paranoia. Hence the expression "Ignorance is Bliss." But for an explorer, an adventurer, ignorance is kin to stagnation and therefore death. It's almost as if we explorers LOOK for trouble. Now we're control freaks too! "There's trouble here somewhere. I must find it and stop it!"
I know what it is. I just can't explain it. It's like trying to explain color to someone who's been blind since birth. Why is it that there are some people we can look at and intrinsically know that they would never leave us behind? Why is it that for some people, we never get that warm fuzzy feeling? Worse yet, what happens when our wires are crossed and we end up second guessing ourselves? This is the basis of paranoia, in my opinion. It is when we are unable to determine the outcome based on conflicting results from past experiences. What feels good must be bad since it turned out bad in the end and vice versa.
Interestingly enough, given my example in the previous paragraph, do blind people get that intrinsic feeling about people the same as sighted people? Do they just "know" about people from the sound of their voice or the way they feel or smell? Our are senses actively working against us in that by their very nature they provide the potential for observing and perceiving potential threats regardless of whether they exist or not? It's an interesting question... can a paranoid person be cured by sensory deprivation?
Perhaps the very reason for keeping someone entertained appears to be simply to keep them from learning the truth.
Either that or I just don't take rejection or abandonment very well. Yeah, given my diatribe, that's probably closer to Occam's Razor.
Peace,
Jenna
I hate that expression. I really do. To me, that's basically an off-hand dismissal and invalidation of one's feelings. Given what I'm being "paranoid" about, it can sometimes serve to make the feeling worse, actually. "Great... now I'm paranoid about being paranoid... thanks!"
My biggest fear is abandonment. I used to think my biggest fear was being alone. But I've lived alone before and did quite well. Through the process of elimination, I've narrowed it down now to abandonment. If I put my time and energy into something (or even someone), I don't want to be left behind. I'd rather not even have expended the energy in the first place. I know that at it's root, it's a personal security issue. If one is truly secure, it won't matter to them who enters or leaves their lives or what happens to all that they put their time and energy into.
So, just like the rest of the world, I'm a little "paranoid" ... but at least I'm willing to admit it ... even if I don't like the expression.
I've been left behind physically, mentally and emotionally by many different nouns (people, places and things) in this life. So much so that given my remembrances of living alone successfully, it's tempting to recreate that situation rather than allow myself to get too comfortable with someone (or something) too much. Heh... this is also considered a symptom of classic "fear of commitment."
This is not an abnormal or irrational fear. It's quite common. I think there's something intrinsic within us that lets us know when this fear is unfounded vs. times when it is not. In my experience, when it feels like the fear is justified, the general consensus of others, at that point, is to call it "paranoia."
So, okay, others seem to manage to get past this, somehow. I offer my parents as an example of this. They have been together for 55+ years now. Obviously they have overcome the fear of abandonment. Each one knows, intrinsically, that the other will be there for the rest of their lives.
Is it because they didn't take themselves or each other too seriously? After all, if one believes themselves or another to be of more value, then the potential for separation becomes clear. Why would someone stay with someone they consider less valuable than themselves? And why would someone stay with someone who considers themselves as less valuable? Value. That which is said to be priceless is the most precious and the most valuable. So therefore, it has infinite and no value simultaneously.
Maybe it's simply lack of experience. If you were treated well your entire life, you probably would never think anything other than good things. There would be nothing to fear and no reason for the paranoia. Hence the expression "Ignorance is Bliss." But for an explorer, an adventurer, ignorance is kin to stagnation and therefore death. It's almost as if we explorers LOOK for trouble. Now we're control freaks too! "There's trouble here somewhere. I must find it and stop it!"
I know what it is. I just can't explain it. It's like trying to explain color to someone who's been blind since birth. Why is it that there are some people we can look at and intrinsically know that they would never leave us behind? Why is it that for some people, we never get that warm fuzzy feeling? Worse yet, what happens when our wires are crossed and we end up second guessing ourselves? This is the basis of paranoia, in my opinion. It is when we are unable to determine the outcome based on conflicting results from past experiences. What feels good must be bad since it turned out bad in the end and vice versa.
Interestingly enough, given my example in the previous paragraph, do blind people get that intrinsic feeling about people the same as sighted people? Do they just "know" about people from the sound of their voice or the way they feel or smell? Our are senses actively working against us in that by their very nature they provide the potential for observing and perceiving potential threats regardless of whether they exist or not? It's an interesting question... can a paranoid person be cured by sensory deprivation?
Perhaps the very reason for keeping someone entertained appears to be simply to keep them from learning the truth.
Either that or I just don't take rejection or abandonment very well. Yeah, given my diatribe, that's probably closer to Occam's Razor.
Peace,
Jenna
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Overstimulated
I think I've cured myself of my RockBand addiction. :) This weekend Jose and Nyssa went to Miami to see family and they let me borrow their XBox 360, RockBand, Guitar Hero II and III. I spent 8 hours yesterday rocking out. It's still a lot of fun, of course, don't get me wrong... but I no longer have the compulsion to go out and get an XBox. This is a good thing since they're quite expensive.
Perhaps this is the very thing that gets us over all our addictions... Overstimulation. Too much of anything can lead to this condition and destroy our desire to do it again. That being the case... anything is, therefore, curable with time. Yes, it will probably result in death... but then again, from one perspective, even life could be considered an addiction.
There's not much of a difference, really. Every addiction has it's price. How we perceive it is what eventually determines whether it's a good thing or a bad thing for us. Ultimately, those that help us to lead happy, healthy and productive lives are the ones we should probably be keeping. Those that produce negativity, sorrow, despair, etc. are best left to those for whom they do not cause those problems. Heh... know your limits.
At any rate, I'm glad that I no longer have the urge to go out and get one of those infernal machines. I can concentrate on things that will produce even greater quality of life now. It's the little things. :)
Peace,
Jenna
Perhaps this is the very thing that gets us over all our addictions... Overstimulation. Too much of anything can lead to this condition and destroy our desire to do it again. That being the case... anything is, therefore, curable with time. Yes, it will probably result in death... but then again, from one perspective, even life could be considered an addiction.
There's not much of a difference, really. Every addiction has it's price. How we perceive it is what eventually determines whether it's a good thing or a bad thing for us. Ultimately, those that help us to lead happy, healthy and productive lives are the ones we should probably be keeping. Those that produce negativity, sorrow, despair, etc. are best left to those for whom they do not cause those problems. Heh... know your limits.
At any rate, I'm glad that I no longer have the urge to go out and get one of those infernal machines. I can concentrate on things that will produce even greater quality of life now. It's the little things. :)
Peace,
Jenna
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I am a consumer whore... and how!
Okay, first, some updates from the last post. Yes... I saw Batman on the big screen... it was... okay. Yeah, yeah, I know. Well, we got there about 10 minutes before the show started and as a result all the best seats were taken (it was a full house). So we ended up second row from the front on the right hand-side of an 80-foot tall screen. My neck is sill bothering me.
But it was awesome to see Rabbit and Heather again. Rabbit has managed to squeeze out some new tracks that are very well mastered (he even shared his mastering secrets with me) and has pushed a couple remixes out there already. Good Job Rabbit!
Bishop seems to be doing better. I found out that he's actually much older than we thought... he's somewhere between 9 and 12 months instead of 6 months as we thought. That means I need to get his reproductive system shut down real soon now.
So I met Sadao's boyfriend, Jose. He's a sweet guy, much older than Sadao, and someone who will be good to Sadao. Whether he will be good for him is yet to be seen. I'm not sure the two can co-exist in one person, though. I know I often have trouble being both and typically lean toward being "good to" people instead of "good for" people. Emotions are tricky things.
It took me some time to adjust to the situation and I find myself saying things that I swore I would never say. I'm still finding it hard to trust after so much broken trust in my life. But I'm re-learning that what's good for someone else's life (even if it doesn't include me) is good for mine as well because then there are only happy times ahead. I just wish that those around me could see that too.
Travis is back... well he was... he's headed back to Melbourne again since his grandfather just passed away. My heart goes out to him and his family. I talked with him a little last night and gave him my perspective. I hope it helped a little.
The billing project is turning out to be quite the project. The GL Export for this system is over 2800 lines of code alone. Most of it is similar functions being repeated in code with minor changes in each section. It desperately needs a rewrite... erm... I mean... "refactoring."
The shit has hit the fan (almost literally) at the house in Orlando. The pump is broken now. With all the requirements to fix up the house and make it livable again, I simply can't afford it and have little to no help in doing so. So, I have to let it go. It reminds me of PLUR Records actually. A two-man job just can't be done the same way with only one-man. I can acknowledge that, tho, and accept it and move on. So, it looks like I'll be losing the house.
I might be getting involved in the game industry again. My neighbor Jose and I are working on an idea that might work. There are some music projects in the works too, of course, and the more interpersonal relationships I have that dwindle, the more time I have to spend on these other pursuits. Perhaps one day I'll meet someone as equally uninterested in interpersonal relationships and we'll find ourselves in the best one ever. Isn't that how it works in the movies?
These are the things going on in my life right now. More complication on one side, more simplification on the other, ultimately remaining balanced one way or another. Reminding myself that it is balanced is the tricky part sometimes. :)
Peace,
Jenna
But it was awesome to see Rabbit and Heather again. Rabbit has managed to squeeze out some new tracks that are very well mastered (he even shared his mastering secrets with me) and has pushed a couple remixes out there already. Good Job Rabbit!
Bishop seems to be doing better. I found out that he's actually much older than we thought... he's somewhere between 9 and 12 months instead of 6 months as we thought. That means I need to get his reproductive system shut down real soon now.
So I met Sadao's boyfriend, Jose. He's a sweet guy, much older than Sadao, and someone who will be good to Sadao. Whether he will be good for him is yet to be seen. I'm not sure the two can co-exist in one person, though. I know I often have trouble being both and typically lean toward being "good to" people instead of "good for" people. Emotions are tricky things.
It took me some time to adjust to the situation and I find myself saying things that I swore I would never say. I'm still finding it hard to trust after so much broken trust in my life. But I'm re-learning that what's good for someone else's life (even if it doesn't include me) is good for mine as well because then there are only happy times ahead. I just wish that those around me could see that too.
Travis is back... well he was... he's headed back to Melbourne again since his grandfather just passed away. My heart goes out to him and his family. I talked with him a little last night and gave him my perspective. I hope it helped a little.
The billing project is turning out to be quite the project. The GL Export for this system is over 2800 lines of code alone. Most of it is similar functions being repeated in code with minor changes in each section. It desperately needs a rewrite... erm... I mean... "refactoring."
The shit has hit the fan (almost literally) at the house in Orlando. The pump is broken now. With all the requirements to fix up the house and make it livable again, I simply can't afford it and have little to no help in doing so. So, I have to let it go. It reminds me of PLUR Records actually. A two-man job just can't be done the same way with only one-man. I can acknowledge that, tho, and accept it and move on. So, it looks like I'll be losing the house.
I might be getting involved in the game industry again. My neighbor Jose and I are working on an idea that might work. There are some music projects in the works too, of course, and the more interpersonal relationships I have that dwindle, the more time I have to spend on these other pursuits. Perhaps one day I'll meet someone as equally uninterested in interpersonal relationships and we'll find ourselves in the best one ever. Isn't that how it works in the movies?
These are the things going on in my life right now. More complication on one side, more simplification on the other, ultimately remaining balanced one way or another. Reminding myself that it is balanced is the tricky part sometimes. :)
Peace,
Jenna
Friday, August 1, 2008
Yay... the weekend!
So... the weekend is upon me. In fact, in 48 minutes, it starts. 47 now. At any rate, tonight I'm going up north to Orlando to see some old friends and go to a kick-ass movie... but even more kick-ass is that I'll be seeing it in the IMAX theatre... oh yeah!
The Dark Knight, the new batman movie, was by far the best superhero movie I've seen yet. They just keep getting better and better. I left with an adrenaline rush that was just too much to ignore. Now I get to see it on the BIG mutha-fuckin' screen!
I had to take Bishop to the vet this morning. Sadao found a worm exiting his puckered little butt-hole... uhm... Bishop's butthole, that is. So, $185 dollars lighter now, I have a happier, healthier kitty.
Speaking of Sadao, his new beau is coming to spend the weekend at the house this weekend. I wish Travis was home. I'm gonna have to find something to occupy myself with because they'll be too occupied with each other. Whee.
I've started learning Visual FoxPro 9.0 in order to support our billing system here at work. It seems pretty straight-forward...-ish. It's not exactly what I would've chosen to write the system with, tho. Thankfully, with my knowledge of invoicing and billing, I will be on the team to convert it to dot net when it's time.
Other than that, not much else is new. I miss Orlando terribly. I miss everyone there. But I guess change is good and is required ... no matter how much I like it or don't.
Y'all have a good weekend and enjoy yourselves (and someone else if you can manage it).
Peace,
Jenna
P.S. My song for today:
The Dark Knight, the new batman movie, was by far the best superhero movie I've seen yet. They just keep getting better and better. I left with an adrenaline rush that was just too much to ignore. Now I get to see it on the BIG mutha-fuckin' screen!
I had to take Bishop to the vet this morning. Sadao found a worm exiting his puckered little butt-hole... uhm... Bishop's butthole, that is. So, $185 dollars lighter now, I have a happier, healthier kitty.
Speaking of Sadao, his new beau is coming to spend the weekend at the house this weekend. I wish Travis was home. I'm gonna have to find something to occupy myself with because they'll be too occupied with each other. Whee.
I've started learning Visual FoxPro 9.0 in order to support our billing system here at work. It seems pretty straight-forward...-ish. It's not exactly what I would've chosen to write the system with, tho. Thankfully, with my knowledge of invoicing and billing, I will be on the team to convert it to dot net when it's time.
Other than that, not much else is new. I miss Orlando terribly. I miss everyone there. But I guess change is good and is required ... no matter how much I like it or don't.
Y'all have a good weekend and enjoy yourselves (and someone else if you can manage it).
Peace,
Jenna
P.S. My song for today:
Love's Been A Little Bit Hard On Me
Juice Newton
I've got nothing to be ashamed of
Love's been a little bit hard on me
If I shy away it's only because
Love's been a little bit hard on me
(Love's been a little)
Oh, love's been a little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)
(Love's been a little)
You know just been a little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)
I can remember when it's been so much
Love's been a little bit hard on me
Now I shy away at the slightest touch
Love's been a little bit hard on me
(Love's been a little)
Oh, you know it's been a little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)
(Love's been a little)
Just a little, little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)
Come out, come out
To the hopeless romance inside
Shout it's all right, it's all right
To stay so dark
So close to the light
[Instrumental Interlude]
Come out, come out
To the hopeless romance inside
Shout it's all right, it's all right
To stay so dark
So close to the light
I'll be back when I calm my fears
Love's been a little bit hard on me
And I'll see you around in a thousand years
Love's been a little bit hard on me
(Love's been a little)
You know it's just been a little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)
Oh, love you know it's just been a little
(Love's been a little bit) hard on me
Juice Newton
I've got nothing to be ashamed of
Love's been a little bit hard on me
If I shy away it's only because
Love's been a little bit hard on me
(Love's been a little)
Oh, love's been a little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)
(Love's been a little)
You know just been a little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)
I can remember when it's been so much
Love's been a little bit hard on me
Now I shy away at the slightest touch
Love's been a little bit hard on me
(Love's been a little)
Oh, you know it's been a little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)
(Love's been a little)
Just a little, little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)
Come out, come out
To the hopeless romance inside
Shout it's all right, it's all right
To stay so dark
So close to the light
[Instrumental Interlude]
Come out, come out
To the hopeless romance inside
Shout it's all right, it's all right
To stay so dark
So close to the light
I'll be back when I calm my fears
Love's been a little bit hard on me
And I'll see you around in a thousand years
Love's been a little bit hard on me
(Love's been a little)
You know it's just been a little
(Love's been a little bit hard on me)
Oh, love you know it's just been a little
(Love's been a little bit) hard on me
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